This Moment In Time

By Jolee Patkai

Story: Completely in my own words, and told through the mind of
Scully.  Her feelings as I imagine they must have been when Mulder
returned.  My own imagination working overtime.  All characters
property of FOX and 1013.
  
.......
          I had never been so scared in my life.  Not when my life was
threatened, not when Mulder's life hung in the balance, not when he was
abducted, nor when he died.  But those seconds upon his first waking from
coma, when he looked into my eyes, and had whispered "Who are
you?"......this was the most terrifying moment, for me.

     My whole world started shattering when he spoke.  How could life
be so cruel, how could God play such a trick on us?  To have taken him
away from me, to have returned him, only for his memory of me to be
gone?  This would have been too much for this woman to live through. 
Touching him and feeling his blue eyes on me, had made my heart swell
with love and promise.  Had he really not known me, had it been true, then
my life would surely have ended.  Even with this child growing inside me, I
would have been only a shell, empty and barren.

     But then he smiled...he smiled and joy seared my heart.  My eyes
overflowed and my breath left my body.  My head fell and then I looked
into his eyes and begged him not to do that to me.  Didn't he
know..couldn't he sense how much I have needed him alive and
whole...body and mind?  He is my life, my reason for living.  Without him,
these past months have been black, lacking any resemblance of the here and
now.  I lived in limbo, afraid to remember our past, and completely terrified
to even think of the world without him in it.  

__________

     Mulder has returned and each and every day, he is getting stronger. 
He is healing in body, but I fear, not in mind.  I try to feel him out, trying to
share his pain and fear, but he resists me.  I know it will take time, and to
this end, I handle him gently.  Still, it is so hard not to touch him...to love
him.  He seems unsure of his place in the world, of his place in my world. 
How could he ever doubt this?  That day I took him home from the
hospital.  As we walked into his apartment, I could feel tension building. 
He seemed occupied with trivial things.  How clean the apartment was, the
death of his fish.  He sat on his desk and looked everywhere but at me.

     I felt lost..as lost as I had ever been.   My body was one enormous
ache, just wanting so much to feel his arms around me and his mouth
covering mine.  But he was not going to touch me, or even look at me.  I
just stood there, across the coffee table from him, my arms hanging limply
at me sides.  My swollen stomach seeming to throb with the life growing
inside me, a life wanting to be recognized by him, as I wanted to be.  I tried
to explain to him how hard it had been after learning of his abduction, then
searching for him and finally finding him dead.   Burying him had been such
an unreal experience and soul crushing for me.  And yet, he sat there
staring blankly, and had uttered those words.   "I don't mean to sound
cold, but....".   God, don't do this to me again.  Don't close me out...I
wanted to shout.  I need you, Mulder, and you need me!  But I said
nothing...only stood there meeting his gaze.  Then I left him there, alone.  I
needed to be alone and keep myself from falling apart.  He will change...he
will want me!  This I had to believe!
                         
_______________

     Well, here I stand.  In my silk PJ's staring at the man again.  Only
this time, he seems more like the Mulder I knew.  He is joking with me,
teasing me, and his eyes are full of warmth.  I try to seem uncaring, almost,
but I don't quite pull it off.  I have felt unwell most of the day.  During the
past weeks, I have been remaining at home more and more often.  This
pregnancy has been strange, and being a doctor I recognize things are not
as they should be.  But I am uncertain of the cause of my unease.  When
the first pains swept my abdomen, I thought labor had begun, but soon I
realized this was not the case.  Something was wrong.  Mulder was there
for me, and has continued to be by my side through the weeks in the
hospital.  I struggle not to let my happiness make me vulnerable.  Knowing
how this man can break my heart, scares the hell out of me.  I can't help
but feel that as he is feeling his way back to life, so to is he feeling his way
back into my heart.

     My apartment has never felt more homey, nor more welcoming.  I
love the feel of comfort that just being here, snuggled on my couch, brings
me.  Mulder brought me home, and insisted I eat pizza with him, but I
really have no appetite for it.  All I really want to do is drink in the sight of
him.  He looks wonderful, his scars all but faded.  His eyes are not haunted
now, and he is reaching out to me more and more these days.  He sits
down beside me, a whole cushion away, but I feel him close.  He is like a
little boy, wanting approval for the gift he has given me, and although I
wonder at his choice of gift, a hand made doll belonging to his sister, I
sense how much it means to him for me to have it.  My heart feels like it
will burst, as I hold this treasure in my hands.  I try to express to him how
much I cherish this, how much I cherish him, but all I can do is stroke the
beautiful dress and laugh softly.  As I look at him, my heart in my eyes, I
reach out to touch his face.  Such a beautiful face, such a wonderful man. 
And then I do what I have wanted to do for six long months.  I pull his face
close to mine and breathe his name, grazing my lips over his.   My whole
body is shaking, and I realize he is trembling.  He tastes so good, and his
mouth turns hard on mine.  Careful not to hurt me...he thinks I will
break...he pulls me into his arms.  Not an easy thing to do, with my belly in
the way.  But he manages quite nicely.  

     I am dizzy with emotion and sensation.  His mouth is driving me
crazy with wanting and knowing that at this time, what we desire is not
possible.  I must be very careful now, the baby will soon come.  But still,
he carries me to my bed, and undresses me...oh so slowly.  My body has
changed so much, it seems he cannot get enough of  it.  Touching and
tasting, he rediscovers me, and in doing so, sends me over the edge.  I cry
out when the first waves of pleasure wash over me, and I beg him not to
stop.   He doesn't disappoint me, like he ever would.  I have never felt so
alive.  Being with him like this is a revelation.  Still dizzy, I begin my own
journey of rediscovery.  I kiss my way down his chest, stopping at the scars
still visible.  I cry for the pain he has suffered and with my hands and mouth
I cleanse him.  He quivers and shudders as he finds his pleasure and I hold
him tightly, holding him in place with my legs entwined in his.  We are both
so breathless, talking is impossible.  But the feeling flowing between us, as
we snuggle in my bed, is such, that talking is not necessary.  My blue eyes
meet his blue eyes, and our hands cling to each other.  We have never been
so close, never felt so complete as we do at this moment .  In this precious
moment in time.
                      The End