Title: Next Step (1/3)
Classification: SRA - lots of A
Keywords: Scully/Other, MSR/UST, AU
Rating: R, for language and sex - and not just S/O, either!
Spoilers: every episode until "Je Souhaite," but the latest
          one specifically is "Hollywood AD."
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, they belong to
            Mr. Chris Carter, lucky bastard.
Feedback: Pretty please to lil_gusty@hotmail.com
Distribution: anywhere, just let me know.
Notes: This is the forth part of my little heretofore unnamed
       series.  You will need to read "The Longest Time,"
       "Practice," and "Signs From God" before reading this, and
       they can be found at Ephemeral or Gossamer.
Thanks: at the end.

Summary: Scully makes some decision about her future.



<><><><><><>

"You know, we always had each other, baby.  I guess that wasn't
enough."
                    ~ The Eagles

<><><><><><>

"So, have you talked to Ethan lately?"

The question that, to anyone else, would sound like passing
interest about a cousin, maybe, plunged a knife into my heart.
Who did she think she was kidding, anyway.  The look of quiet
contempt, of disappointment that we should be having a
conversation about this person in this context, was enough to
make me regurgitate the meager amount of food I had happened to
choke down during our stilted lunch together.

"Yes, mom, I have,"  I say sharply, giving her that look that
says, "I'm not a child anymore."

Her face brightens and she smiles like my reunion with Ethan was
all her idea.  "Well, when?  What did he say?"  She asks a moment
later when I don't offer any details.

"I talked to him last week."

"And...?"

Oh, Mother, please.  "And, he says everything is fine."

She rolls her eyes and leans over the table to whisper her words.
"Well, are you going to see him again?"

"Mom!"  I sit back in my seat and exhale in annoyance.  How dare
she.

"I'm concerned, Dana.  He's a nice boy."

What, am I twenty again?  A nice boy?  What the hell is she
talking about?

I nod, too afraid to say anything for fear that I'll yell at her,
and take a sip of my diet coke.  If aliens were going to invade
the planet, now would be a wonderful time to do so.

"He is.  Your father and I always loved him.  And you two were so
happy together."

I can't take it anymore.  "No, Mom, actually we weren't.  He was
overbearing and controlling and I...didn't want someone like
that."

"He was just doing what was best for you - "

"What was best for me?  What does that mean?"

"It means that he didn't want you spending your life doing
something that didn't make you happy."

"He didn't give a damn about my happiness."

"Dana," she takes that warning tone.  I cursed; oh horrors!

"He didn't.  He wanted to move to Atlanta and I was just supposed
to follow him and be the dutiful fiancee."

"That's what a woman is supposed to do, Dana.  Follow her
husband."

"This isn't the fifties, Mom, and I want a life outside my kids
and husband."

She looks at me angrily; I've touched a nerve.  Before she and
Ahab married, she taught elementary school and loved it.  It was
truly her passion to guide young children.  But when she married,
my father (not believing in birth control, of course) wanted
children right away.  As soon as she learned she was pregnant
with Bill, my father asked her to quit her job and she agreed
immediately.  I'd always wondered if she was ever bitter about
him taking away her independence and forcing her to be a
housewife.  I guess not.

"And look where that's gotten you.  You're almost forty years old
and still single.  That job of yours takes up more and more of
your time; when are you supposed to have time to meet someone and
settle down?  When are you going to move beyond this...phase?"

"Phase?"  I ask incredulously.  "You think this is just a phase?"

"I always told your father that this FBI thing was just a phase
and that you would go back to medicine.  I always hoped Ethan
would be there as well, and you and he could have a nice life
together."

I stand up, ready to leave.  "This is NOT just a phase, Mom.
This is a career!  A career that I love!"

She grabs my wrist and looks around embarrassingly at the other
people in the restaurant who have taken to staring at us.  "Dana,
sit down."

I do; I don't know why.  "I thought you understood how important
this was to me,"  I whisper.

"I know how important it is to Fox, and how important he is to
you, yes."

"That's not...Mom, that's..." I pause and take a deep breath.
"Mulder is not the reason that I've stayed at the Bureau."

"Then what is the reason?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out.  What do I say, that I'm
afraid that I won't have a life at all without my job?  That I
have to stay on the X-Files and see justice served to all the men
who have hurt me and my family?

I say nothing and my mother takes my hand, holding it gently in
hers.  "Dana, I only want what's best for you.  I want you to be
happy.  But I don't see that you're happy with your life.  And I
don't think this is the best thing for you."

I'm staring at the table and feel tears threaten in my eyes.  She
continues, "Ethan still loves you and whatever disagreement you
had, it's in the past.  He's here and wants to try again.
Shouldn't you at least try too?"

I shake my head slightly, then change my mind and nod.  I feel
like a child who's just received a scolding and one of those
obligatory "this hurt me more than it hurt you" phrases
afterwards.  I always hated it when I got in trouble, when my
parents were angry and disappointed in me.  "He wants to bring
his daughter here to meet me," I whisper.

She smiles.  "He has a daughter?"  I nod.  "How old is she?"

"Five."

By her voice, I can tell that she's trying not to cry, too.  "I
think that's a wonderful idea, Dana."

"He wants her to see DC, and I told him that we could take her
around the Mall."  I hesitate, then quietly add, "Mulder's coming
too."

My mother drops my hand and her face and voice harden.  "Why?"

I look up at her with large, child-like eyes.  "He knows so much
about the history, so..."

"That's not a good idea, Dana," she says harshly.

"What?  Why?"

She looks at me, confused.  "It just isn't."

I'm confused too, but she picks up the check and turns towards
her purse: conversation over, time to go.

The car ride back to her house is silent, and just before I leave
to go back to Georgetown, she looks me straight in the eyes and
says, "Be careful, Dana.  Don't make any mistakes this time.
This could be your last chance."

Last chance?  Mistakes?  This time?  I nod, though I don't
understand and drive back home, trying to figure out what I need
to be careful about.

<><><><><><>

May ended and June began, both without much fanfare.  Mulder and
I stayed close to home, investigating things at the back of our
filing cabinets instead of in the field.  A few years ago, Mulder
would've been filling out 302's non-stop until we finally pulled
an assignment.  He'd always been stir crazy and absolutely hated
sitting in our claustrophobic office pushing papers.  He'd pace
and ask me mundane questions, finding any excuse to go up and bug
Skinner for a case.  He'd get anxious and irritable, raving about
how the Bureau is out to get him and how they're wasting two
valuable investigators, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I'd try to tune him
out when he'd start rambling like that.

I hardly recognize my partner now, though.  We haven't had a
field assignment since returning from Vermont and he hasn't
started to file one 302.  He sits quietly at his desk, politely
asks me questions, and not once has he been up to Skinner's
office to raise hell.  It's eerie, seeing this more reserved side
of Mulder, and I wonder if there's a reason that he's not
pursuing any cases.  Maybe he just doesn't want to.

He also doesn't stare at me like he used to.  He would say that,
when he got bored, studying people was a technique he'd perfected
in college.  He said he could tell you anything about anyone just
by studying them for a few minutes.  He'd told me once that I was
his favorite subject because I was his most difficult one, and on
boring, sweltering, sticky days in our unair-conditioned office,
I would notice him staring at me, lost in thought.  But not
today, and not lately.

I wonder if something's wrong, if he's upset or depressed about
something.  When did this start?  Was there any event that I can
trace these attitudes back to?

I think that last month has been boring, uneventful as far as
work goes, and I trust that, if something had happened to him
personally, I would've been the first to know.

I guess it started about the time we came back from Vermont,
though I have no idea why that run-of-the-mill case would've
caused such a dramatic change in him.  Maybe I should just ask
him.

"Mulder?"

He keeps his head down, reading a file from 1996.

"Mulder?"

Still no response.  I rise from my chair and walk over to him,
touching his shoulder lightly.  "Mulder?"  I ask quietly.

He looks up, slight shock written on his face, like he'd
forgotten that I was even here.  "Hmm?"

"I want to talk to you."  He nods and swivels his chair around to
face me, but doesn't say anything.  "You've been kinda...quiet
lately.  Is everything okay?"

He nods that it is, but his eyes tell a different story.  Gray -
I knew it, he's depressed.

"Are you sure?"  He nods again, looking down.  "You know you can
talk to me about anything."  Another nod, and his head sinks
lower.  "Okay.  I'm gonna go get something to drink.  You want
anything?"  He shakes his head and I hesitate before turning away
from him to get some money from the drawer in my un-desk.  I
glance back at him before I walk out the door and see him in the
exact same position: head bowed, starting at the floor.  Yes,
something is definitely wrong.  Why won't he talk to me?

When I come back, diet coke in hand, he's still sitting in the
same position, and doesn't look up as I walk in.  I walk back to
my desk, sit down, and open the can with a loud "pop."  Still no
movement.  Not knowing what else to do, I pull my chair closer to
my table and begin going over an expense report.

In a minute, I hear him softly say, "Scully?"

I immediately turn my head towards him and, in my softest, most
compassionate voice, say, "What?"

"I've been thinking."  He's still sitting in his same position,
talking to the floor.  I can hardly hear him, so I wheel my chair
over to sit right in front of his, our knees almost touching.
"About what you said about there being an end..."

I nod.  He puts his hands over his face, his elbows on his knees.
"I never really thought about it until you asked me...what I want
to do with the rest of my life."

I nod again, though he's not looking at me.  He continues, "I
honestly never thought I'd find my sister.  I wanted to, but as
the years went by, I came to realize that I wanted my eight year
old, bratty little sister back, not a grown woman who probably
wouldn't even remember me...I think I almost wanted to find her
dead, just so I wouldn't have to live with the fact that she had
forgotten about me."  He looks up then, tears in his eyes.  "How
selfish is that?" he whispers.

I scoot a little closer to him so that my knees rest between his.
I pull his hands away from his face and hold them in mine.  "It's
not selfish.  If she had lived, she would've been in so much
pain.  At least, in death, she was peaceful."

"But she wouldn't have remembered me, and that's what bothers
me," he says, quietly but vehemently.

"But she did.  She remembered that she had a brother.  You read
it in her diary."  He shakes his head and looks to the side,
grimacing slightly.

"But she wasn't looking for me.  I spent my whole life looking
for her and she wouldn't have cared."  His tears are falling
freely now, and I keep a tight hold of his hands so he can't wipe
them away.

"She was just a child, Mulder.  She couldn't even if she wanted
to."

He closes his eyes and nods.  "I know," he whispers miserably.
He squeezes my hands tightly and I squeeze back, letting him know
that I'm here.

"I'm so tired of this..."  he whispers after a few minutes.  "I'm
tired of failing at everything, of looking for things that aren't
there to be found."

"You haven't failed at everything, Mulder.  In fact, I can't
think of anything that you have failed at."

"When I first started working here, my mother asked me to promise
her that I'd find Samantha, and I didn't keep that promise.  I
never got to tell her - " he breaks down then, shoulders hunching
and sobs rising from deep within him.  I scoot closer and pull
him towards me, wrapping my arms around him as best as I can.  He
rests his head on my shoulder and sobs as quietly as possible,
squeezing me tightly.  I don't say anything; I just rock him
slightly, massage my hands up and down his spine, and wait for
his sobs to pass.

After the worst is over, he rests, spent, in my arms, tears still
streaming down his cheeks.  He raises his head and presses his
mouth against the base of my neck as he heaves in a deep breath.
His closed eyes are wet against my pulse, and his soft breath
against my skin causes a slight tremor to course through me.  He
sniffs twice and settles contentedly into his little niche
between my head and shoulder, still holding me tightly.

"Do you ever regret staying with me?" he asks softly against my
neck.

Even if I could think,  I would give him the same answer.  "No."

"Not even after everything that's happened to you?  Everything
you've lost?"

"No.  Never."

He readjusts himself and his parted lips brush against my
pounding pulse.  "Why not?"

I take a deep breath.  "I may have lost many things, but I've
gained a lot, too."  I move one hand to his hair and thread my
fingers through it.  Slowly, I turn my head and press my lips to
his forehead.  He sniffs again, but his tears have stopped.

"Thank you," he says quietly into my neck.

"For what?"

"For being here.  For saying that you don't regret this."

I smile and kiss his forehead once more, lingering longer this
time.  He squeezes me for a second then starts to disentangle
himself from me.  He rubs at his eyes and cheeks, then looks at
me.  "I got your jacket wet," he says, touching my shoulder
lightly.

"It's okay."

He nods and pulls his chair back so that my legs are no longer
between his and stands, stretching.  "I'll be right back."  He
peaks his head into the hall after opening then door then,
assured no one is out there, steps out and closes it behind him.

Not knowing what else to do, I wheel my chair back to my area and
start working again.

<><><><><><>

"All right, our flight gets in to National at 11:05 am."

"On the 19th?"

"Yup.  Delta flight 146, Atlanta to Washington National."

I smile and write down Ethan's flight plans.

"Emma is so excited she can hardly stand it," he says, laughing.

My smile gets bigger.  "And would her father share those
sentiments?"  I ask playfully.

"Maybe just a little."

"Mmmhmm..."  He laughs again and I remember a question that I'd
meaning to ask him.  "So, are you staying at a hotel or...?"

He hesitates.  "Uh, yeah.  I don't want Emma to get the wrong
idea."  I frown slightly, but I know he's right.  He doesn't want
Emma to know that we're sleeping together - I understand that.
"Did you talk to whomever about getting the day off Monday?"

I sigh.  As much as I had wanted to meet them at the airport,
fate wouldn't allow it.  Mulder and I had to turn in our
quarterly report to Skinner first thing Monday morning, and the
meeting would likely last all day with only a half-hour break for
lunch.  I would have just enough time to call Ethan and make sure
that they had arrived safely before I would be whisked back into
our meeting.  "No, I told you.  I have to be at this meeting."

"You sure do have a lot of meetings," he says with a tinge of
suspicion in his voice.

I sigh.  "Yeah, we do.  I'm sorry."  I don't know what I'm
apologizing for; it's not my fault.

"I know...I just wanted to see you."

"I wanted to see you too, but we're spending the whole week
together."

"Yeah...Tuesday we're spending the day around the Mall?" he asks
quickly.

"Yeah, but I don't think we should try and do everything in one
day.  Some of the lines can get kinda long..."

"Well, we'll see how much we can do in one day."

"Oh, I invited Mulder to come with us."  He doesn't say anything
for a minute.  "Is that okay?"

"Why?"

"Because...Mulder loves this kind of stuff, and he'd be a much
better tour guide than me."

"I thought this week was for us," he whines.

"It is, but I want you to meet him.  It'll only be for Tuesday;
we'll have plenty of time to spend together."  I had assumed that
having Mulder come with us would be okay and had neglected to
mention it in any of our other conversations about this vacation.
But I can't really go back and uninvite him now anyway.

He sighs and says, "Okay, if it's just for one day."

"Good."

"But after that, it's just the three of us...unless he's agreed
to baby-sit..."

"I didn't ask him, but I promise - after Tuesday, it'll just be
the three of us."

<><><><><><>

I was excited - more excited than I could ever remember being
about anything, except maybe for moving into a dorm at the
University of Maryland for the first time.  Freedom was all I
could think of then: from my father, my brothers, my
mother...from being the perfect little daughter all the time.
Now, it was a myriad of emotions: anxiety, companionship...love.

I all but skip into the office on Friday, three days before Ethan
and Emma are due to arrive.  I've been cleaning my apartment,
even though I know we won't spend much time there.  I've been
shopping for new summer clothes, even though I know I won't wear
half of them during the week that they're staying.  But I can't
help it.  I'm too excited and nervous to sit and do nothing.

If I have a polar opposite in the world today, it's Mulder.  I
notice it as soon as I walk in: his shoulders are slumped and
there are dark circles under his eyes.  The faint lines around
his mouth and eyes are stronger, more predominant now, and his
forehead seems perpetually creased in what looks like worry and
loneliness.  After his breakdown last week, we'd spent a lot of
time together, both at work and afterwards, though we rarely did
anything other than sit in silence.  We either went out to dinner
or ate pizza or Chinese at each other's apartments almost every
night last week and all but twice this week.  I had slept at his
place three times, and he had slept at mine four.  We said we
were too tired to go home, and the other had agreed - it was too
late to be driving home anyway.

It struck me as odd that, at our closest moments, we often did
little more than just be with each other.

Last night, Mulder decided to leave early, saying that his couch
was infinitely more comfortable than mine.  He had been happy,
smiling and boyish - his usual self.  I wondered what had changed
in just twelve hours.

He looks up as I enter and continues to stare at me as I deposit
my laptop at my table, then smooth my skirt to sit.  I take my
computer out of its snug little case and turn it on, fumbling to
plug it in to conserve the battery.  I glance at him, saying
"Morning," quickly, and I go about checking my mail.

He doesn't respond immediately, but continues to stare at me.
Then, he drops a bombshell.  "I don't want to go with you on
Tuesday."

I slowly turn my head towards him.  "What?"  I ask, unable to
believe his confession.  This was all planned and arranged.  He
can't back out now.

"I don't want to go," he says again, more plaintively.  His brows
are drawn up towards his hairline like he's afraid I'm about to
yell at him and he's trying to make me feel sorry for him.

It's not working.  "Why not?"

"I just...I don't want to."  He looks at the top of his desk and
shifts some papers around, trying to distract me.

"But, I want you to come,"  I say, sounding like a twelve-year-
old girl.

"Why?"  He keeps shuffling papers, even picks up a pen, feigning
attention to them.

"Because...I told you...you - "

"You want me to be your personal tour guide?" he interrupts.

I nod.  "I can count on one hand the number of times I've even
noticed these places in passing.  I don't know anything about
them, and you seem to, so I though you could help me."  I sound
whiny, and I don't mean to, but I thought we had a deal.  He had
agreed to this.  He couldn't just change his mind.

He puts down his pen, puts his palms flat on his desk, still
staring at the papers.  "Did you ever ask Ethan if this was okay
with him?"

I hesitate.  Technically, I didn't ask.  "Yes.  He said it was
fine."

"You're a terrible liar, Scully,"  he says flatly.  He gets up
and heads towards the filing cabinet, yanking it open and rifling
through it, looking for nothing in particular.

"Mulder...why didn't you tell me sooner?"  I ask quietly.

"Forget it," he says, slamming the cabinet shut and returning to
his chair empty handed.  I gape at him for a moment before he
continues, "I've already been approved for the day off.  What
else am I gonna do?"

He picks up his pen again and starts scratching away on one of
the papers in front of him.  Not knowing what else to do, I turn
back to my computer and finish checking my mail.

When I walked in and saw Mulder's countenance, I told myself his
bad mood wouldn't ruin my day.  My good day would improve his, I
told myself.  I guess I really am a horrible liar.

<><><><><><>

Mulder meets me outside Skinner's office Monday morning, files
tucked under his arm, one cup of Starbucks coffee in each hand.
He's clearly exhausted and I wonder how much sleep he's gotten in
the past week.  Not much, I'll bet.  I'll have to watch him
closely to make sure he doesn't fall asleep during our meeting.

"Coffee," he says, handing me the cup in his left hand.  "You're
favorite, with whipped cream on top."  No smile accompanies his
greeting.

"Thanks," I say extra sweetly.  "How much?"

He waves my question away.  "Don't worry about it."  He takes a
long sip of his coffee, and I see my opening.

"Mulder, how much did you sleep last night?"

"I didn't," he softly tells his shoes.

I sigh and prepare to launch into a tirade about how unhealthy it
is for him not to sleep, especially when we'll be on our feet in
the hot sun all day tomorrow, but Kimberly interrupts with,
"Agents, the Assistant Director is ready to begin."

Mulder nods to her and starts towards Skinner's door without
looking at me.  Mulder's always been a gentleman, opening and
holding doors for me, abiding by the "ladies first" rule, but
today, he brushes by me and opens Skinner's door, quickly passing
through it and leaving me open-mouthed, staring at the space he
used to occupy in front of me.

I silently follow, keeping my head down so as not to draw any
unwanted questions from Kimberly.  When I enter, Mulder is
already seated in front of Skinner's desk.  Skinner looks at me
as I pause in the doorway.  He approaches me, closes the door,
and says, "Thank you for joining us, Agent Scully.  Please have
seat."

I close my mouth and have a seat.

<><><><><><>

At lunch, Mulder was out the door and standing in front of the
vending machines before I could even gather up our files.
Skinner, noting my unusual disorganization, sternly asks, "Agent
Scully, is everything all right?"

I glance up at him and attempt to close the folder without
creasing any of its contents.  "Yes, sir," I answer crisply.

"There's nothing going on between you and Agent Mulder that I
should know about?"

I try to stifle my sigh a frustration.  Damned if I know.
"No, sir, not that I'm aware of."

"He doesn't look well.  Are you sure he's okay?"

I'm a horrible liar, remember, and I really don't like to lie,
especially to my boss.  "He told me that he's been having
difficulty sleeping," I answer, hoping that he will let it drop.

Skinner takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose,
a sign of his own frustration.  He replaces his glasses and says,
"I expect you back here in twenty-five minutes, Agent."

"Yes, sir," I say dutifully as I walk out of his door.

Mulder is no where to be found in the hallway, elevator, or
office, so I seize the moment and call Ethan's cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey!  It's me."

"Hey, me, how's your meeting?"

I smile.  "Boring, but we're taking a lunch break."

"How convenient.  I'm trying to fight my way through traffic to
get to our hotel and you're relaxing over lunch."

"Actually, I'm neither relaxing or eating."

He laughs.  "Well, at least you know where you're going."

"Are you lost?"

"No...uh, I don't think so..."

"You're getting old.  Your memory's failing."

"I never knew my way around Crystal City."

"Then why are you staying there instead of Georgetown?"

"Because it's much cheaper in Crystal City."

We're silent for a minute.  "So, your flight was okay?"

"Yeah, Emma loved it."

"Was this her first flight?"

"Yup.  She did well."

"Good."  I hear feet shuffling and see Mulder standing in the
door way, looking like he's about to cry.  "I'm glad you got here
okay, but I have to go," I say quickly.

Ethan noticed my change in tone and asks, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, I just have to go."

"Okay, I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah."

"I love you."

I look down at my lap.  "I love you, too," I whisper.  I hang up
the phone and, when I look back towards the doorway, Mulder's not
standing there anymore.

<><><><><><>

He shows every sign of ditching me again after our meeting is
finally over - at 6:30 - and I run to catch up with him in the
nearly empty hallway.

"Mulder?  Mulder!"  I call as he disappears into the stairwell.
I follow him.

"Mulder?  Would you slow down?"

He keeps jogging down the stairs, two at a time, and I fall
further behind him.

When I finally reach our office, he's gathering up some files to
take home and digging his keys out of his pocket.  "Mulder?"  I
say pitifully from the doorway, panting to try and control my
breathing.

"What?"  he snaps, glaring at me with a "leave me the hell alone"
look.

"I just...what's wrong?  Why won't you talk to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about," he says as he tries to push past
me and into the hallway.  I block the doorway, spreading my feet
and putting my arms up to brace myself on the door frame.

"You told me you weren't sleeping well.  There has to be a reason
for that.  Now what is it?"  He looks at the floor and doesn't
say anything.  "I can't help you if you won't talk to me," I say
softly, trying to peer up at his eyes.

"Maybe I don't want your help," he says as he forces me out of
his way, nearly knocking me down in the process.  I say nothing
more, instead just watching him walk down the hallway and into
the parking garage.

I hope he's better by tomorrow.

<><><><><><>

I can't stop thinking about Mulder.  All the way home, I tried to
determine what his problem is.  He said he hasn't been sleeping
well which is common for him, but his insomnia is usually brought
on by something.  I can't figure out what that could be, and its
depressing me.  I can't stand to see him like this.

What he said is also depressing me.  He said that he didn't want
my help.  Friday, he sobbed in my arms after pouring his heart
out to me, and now he won't even talk to me.  If I've done
something, I have no idea what it is, and if he won't tell me,
then I truly can't help him.

By the time I get home, it's almost eight o'clock - Georgetown
traffic after six is a nightmare and, against my better judgment,
I had chosen to drive to work today instead of taking the Metro.
I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to curl up with a nice
Lean Cuisine and crawl in bed extra early.

Of course I can't though.  Ethan is in town - with Emma - and,
although we didn't discuss it, I'm sure he'll want to go out to
dinner.  For some reason, now that they're here, I'm not as
excited as I was about their visit.  Maybe I was anticipating
something fun to do instead of actually doing something fun with
these specific people.  Or maybe Mulder's depression has affected
me, too.

But I just don't feel like entertaining tonight, and I certainly
don't feel like meeting my lover's daughter.

There's no message from Ethan when I get home and I decide to
wait for him to call me.  I know that Mulder and I are meeting
him and Emma at the Smithsonian Metro Station at ten o'clock
tomorrow morning.  That's enough for now.

When he hasn't called by nine, I figure that Emma was tired by
her day of travel and excitement and Ethan wanted to stay in.  It
would've been nice of him to call, though.

I go to bed at nine thirty, feeling lonely and sad.  I want to
call Mulder to see if he's feeling any better, to make sure that
he's still going to pick me up at nine fifteen tomorrow morning,
but decide against it and turn over to face my windows and stare
out at the darkness until I finally fall asleep.

<><><><><><>

Before I decided on a new pair of shorts and a new pale blue tank
top and new sandals, I tried on every item in my wardrobe at
least three times.  I've blow dried my hair straight, pulled it
up into a pony-tail, brushed it out, braided it, took it down and
put barrettes in it, and brushed it out one more time before
deciding on a simple headband - the one I wore to our movie
premiere.  I smile as I remember the fun that Mulder and I had
that night, holding hands and walking down the streets of LA,
getting drunk at the Bureau's expense, Mulder gazing at me,
telling me over and over how beautiful I looked...

Mulder arrives at ten after nine, looking very much like my
average partner on casual days.  Jeans, gray T-shirt, and tennis
shoes, adorable smile and soft, tired eyes.

"You're going to burn up today.  It's supposed to be ninety," I
chide as I pour him a cup of coffee.

"I'll be all right," he says quietly.

"Did you sleep any last night?"

He pauses, spoon in mid stir.  "Yeah...I took one of those pills
you gave me."

"You did?"  After his mother's death, his nightmares became so
horrible that he couldn't sleep at all, and I had prescribed him
a mild sedative to help him sleep, much to his dismay.  I didn't
even know he had gotten the prescription filled.

He nods and goes back to stirring.

I leave him in the kitchen and make my way around my living room,
opening my blinds, when he says softly, "You look pretty today."

I turn around and stare at him.  "Thank you."

H nods again and takes a sip of his coffee.  "Are you nervous?"
he asks with more confidence.

"Yes," I answer, rejoining him in the kitchen and taking a sip of
my orange juice.  "But I'll be more nervous when we get there.
Have you eaten anything?"  He shakes his head.  "Neither have I.
Will you split a bagel with me?"

He nods, and I fix our bagel while he watches me in silence.

<><><><><><>

We're early.  Mulder's casually standing at the top of the
escalator at the Smithsonian Metro Station, watching me as I
furiously pace back and forth in front of him.  My bagel is
threatening to make a return appearance and my heart is about to
pound its way out of my chest, but I can't stop pacing.

"Scully," Mulder says, gently taking my arm.  "Do you want to sit
down?"

I shake my head and go back to pacing.  "What if she doesn't like
me, Mulder?"

"She's five; she likes anyone."

"But, what if she doesn't like me?  I don't have much experience
around kids, Mulder, what if I screw this up?"

"Just be nice to her, ask her open ended questions.  You won't
screw this up, Scully."  He takes my arm again and halts my
pacing.  "Look at me," he says softly.

I do, and he puts his finger under my chin, tilting my face
towards his a little more.  I feel tears in my eyes as he says
very earnestly, "Scully, she'll love you.  Just calm down."

I close my eyes tightly for a moment, squeezing out two tears in
the process.  Mulder places his hands on either side of my face
and, with his thumbs, wipes them away tenderly.  When I open my
eyes, I see tears threatening in his eyes too.

We stare at each other for a minute as another wave of people
begins streaming up and out of the underground tunnel.  I put my
hands on Mulder's forearms and gently but firmly push his hands
down, away from my face, and move in front of the escalator,
trying to see Ethan.

I don't have to wait long.  I see only the top of his head as he
leans down to a small girl with wavy blond hair cascading down
her back from a high pony tail.  She's dressed remarkably like
me, in shorts and a blue tank top, and I smile,  noting that at
least we have one thing in common.  She looks excited but a
little scared, and she holds tightly to Ethan's hand as they
ascend the escalator.  She's asking him a question, and Ethan
nods, then stands up to his full height and catches a glimpse of
me.  I smile a little wider and stand frozen.  The closer they
get, the more I'm sure that I'll faint from nervousness.  From
the corner of my eye, I see Mulder notice my wide smile and
follow my gaze, trying not to move his head in the process.

When Ethan finally reaches the top of the escalator, he almost
drags the little girl behind him in his haste to approach me.
His strides get wider and wider until he's standing right in
front of me.  Then, he, too, becomes frozen.

The little girl at his side swings her hand in his to snap him
back to attention.  He glances down at her and they exchange
secretive smiles, then he drops her hand and steps forward,
taking me into his arms.

I sag into him and bury my head in his shoulder, tightening my
arms around his waste.  He strokes my back and whispers in my
ear, "It's so good to see you again."

I pull back and nod slightly, feeling tears threaten again.  He
leans down and chastely kisses my cheek, then glances back to the
little girl at his side who is still smiling.  "Dana," he says
proudly, taking the girl's hand, "this is Emma.  Emma," he
glances at her again, "this is Dana."

Emma becomes shy suddenly and inspects her pink tennis shoes.
"Hi Emma," I say in my best kid-friendly voice, not too stern,
not too placating.

Ethan shakes Emma's arm and she says, barely audible, "Hi."

"It's nice to meet you.  Your daddy's told me a lot about you."

She giggles and looks up at her daddy, smiling.

We stand there for a moment, basking in our togetherness when
Ethan asks, "So, where's Mulder?"

Huh?  Oh, yeah.  I turn around and spot Mulder, doing his best to
either blend into his surroundings or sink into the ground, arms
crossed over his chest, scuffing one shoe against the pavement,
trying to look casual.  "Mulder!"  I say, and he looks at me like
he's constipated.  "Come here!"

He slowly ambles over and appraises the three of us already
standing there.  When he finally arrives, I being my
introductions.  "Ethan, this is Fox Mulder.  Mulder, this is
Ethan Minette."

Mulder looks Ethan over head to toe, as if trying to figure out
the best way to take him down.  Ethan extends a friendly hand
and, after a brief hesitation, Mulder takes it and they shake.
"Mulder?"  Ethan asks, just to be sure.  Mulder nods.  "This is
my daughter, Emma."  He gestures to Emma, who's eyeing Mulder
warily.  Ethan bends down to her and says, "Emma, this is Mr.
Mulder, one of Dana's friends."

She nods and looks at both of us again before looking back at her
father and smiling.  She whispers something in his ear and he
laughs, then stands up and addresses us.  "It's good to finally
meet you, Mulder.  Dana talks about you constantly."

Mulder nods and looks at the ground again.  "It's good to meet
you too, Ethan," he says, still looking down.

Well, this is going well.  Maybe Mulder should start carrying a
cave around on his back like a turtle and then he'd never have to
see or talk to anyone new.  I give him an annoyed look which he
doesn't see and then ask everyone, "So, what's do we want to do
first?"

<><><><><><>

In two hours, we managed to cover two Smithsonians.  Ethan and I
talked almost constantly about anything that came to mind,
reacquainting ourselves with each other, holding hands like
teenagers and sneaking a kiss when we were sure Emma wasn't
looking.  As I figured, Emma was immediately drawn to Mulder.
From what little of their conversation I heard, she asked him
silly, pointless questions and he gave her sillier, more
pointless answers.  They got along well, and I even saw Mulder
smile a few times as he hoisted Emma onto his shoulders to get a
better look at something.

At twelve, Emma began to complain of being hungry, so we decided
to take a break and eat lunch.  As we were walking to Ethan's
favorite all-you-can-eat for $2.99 pizza buffet, Emma pointed to
a hot dog vendor and asked Mulder what it was.  Mulder answered
that the man behind the little rolling cart was selling the best
hot dogs in the world and that at night, when he stops selling
hot dogs, he goes to sleep inside the cart where it's warm and
yummy smelling.  Emma gave Mulder a look that I said "I don't
believe you," but laughed anyway and said she wanted a hot dog.
Ethan said so, absolutely not, that "those things" were
unhealthy, and Emma looked so disappointed I thought she might
cry.  Mulder just stared at Ethan, so I intervened and told Ethan
that at least once a week, Mulder and I eat one of those hot
dogs, and we're still alive and healthy.  Emma turned on her best
pouty look, and so the four of us bought hot dogs and chips and
sat on a bench across from the Jefferson Memorial and ate.

After we had finished eating, Mulder walked with Emma down to an
ice cream vendor to buy dessert.  Ethan watched them walk away
and, when they were out of earshot, said, "Emma seems to really
like Mulder."

I nod, "Yeah...he's great with kids."

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

"Mulder?  No."

"Is he, uh...?" he hesitates.

I turn towards him.  "What?"

"Gay?"  he asks quietly.

"Ethan!"  I slap him playfully on the arm.

"Well, I had to ask."

"No, he's not gay.  He's just...shy...hard to get to know."

He nods.  "I noticed."

I sigh and make my plaintive face.  "Ethan, please be patient
with him.  This is a new situation for us - "

"What do you mean?"

"Neither of us have ever dated before - while we've been friends
- and Mulder's very...possessive of me sometimes.  He doesn't
have any other friends, really, or family.  I'm all he has - "

"You make it sound like you're the couple here, not us."

I look down at my hands and fiddle with the hem of my tank top.
"That's not what I meant, I just...if he seems a little distant,
it's just because he doesn't know how to act in this kind of
situation, and he's not really a people-person anyway.  Please,
be patient."

Ethan nods.  "Okay."

I nod back.  "Thank you.  It really means a lot to me that you
two get along."

"I'll try my best," he says as he leans in to kiss me.

I push him away suddenly when I see Mulder and Emma coming back.
Whether its embarrassment at being seen by Mulder or Emma, I'm
not sure.

Emma runs up, ice cream cone in hand, and jumps up on Ethan's
lap.  "Want some?"  she asks.

"No, thanks," he tells her, kissing her temple lightly.

"Sorry, Scully, they didn't have any non-fat tofutti rice
dreamcicles.  I guess it's regular ice cream for you," Mulder
says, handing me my cone.

"You didn't get one?"  I ask, noticing his now empty hands.

"No.  I thought maybe you'd share."  He grabs my wrist and pulls
it towards him, taking a healthy bite out of my chocolate ice
cream.

"Mulder!"  I laugh as melted ice cream drips down his chin and I
reach up to wipe it off, licking my thumb and finger afterwards.
He's smiling at me for the first time today and, for a minute, I
forget where I am and who I'm with as I lose myself in his eyes.

Ethan clears his throat angrily and asks, "So, what's next on our
agenda?"

Mulder's smile falls and I look back at Ethan, my cheeks burning.

"I want to go to see the fishies," Emma says excitedly, bouncing
up and down on Ethan lap.

"Well, let's go," Ethan says, standing up suddenly and taking
Emma's hand.  "Mulder, you know how to get there?"

Mulder nods and turns around, walking towards the nearest
intersection.  Emma drops her fathers hand and runs after Mulder,
tugging on his fingers until Mulder notices her.  She smiles up
at him and jumps up and down some more, too excited to stand
herself.

"I never should have let her have that ice cream," Ethan sighs.
"She'll be hyper the rest of the day."

"Oh, let her have fun," I say, struggling to catch up to Mulder
and Emma already across the street.

Inside the aquarium, Emma stands amazed at the exotic fish
species around her.  Mulder asks her if she knows how to make a
fish-face and she says no.  Mulder glances at me, still lagging
behind with Ethan, and then looks back down at Emma, sucks in his
cheeks and opens and closes his mouth as much as possible.  Emma
laughs and so do I, despite myself.  Ethan looks at me like I'm
crazy, not seeing the humor in his daughter imitating Mulder's
silly face.

Mulder stops making the face and rubs his sore cheeks, smiling
shyly at me.  I return his smile and Ethan clears his throat,
urging us to continue our tour of the aquarium.

Ethan wanted Emma to see the White House, but she was less than
interested in it, seeing it as just another white house.  She
quickly became bored with Ethan's stories of the opulent mansion
and found it infinitely more fun to talk to Mulder, who never
failed to amuse her, even in the most unexciting of situations.

By dinner time, Emma was exhausted and Ethan had to carry her
everywhere.  "I figured all this walking and the heat would get
to her," he says as we stood in front of the Metro station where
we had met.

"Maybe she'll feel better tomorrow," I say.

"Thanks for entertaining her, Mulder."  Mulder nodded and studied
his shoes.  "Do you think you might be interested in watching her
for a few hours while Dana and I go out to dinner one night?"

I look at Ethan, eyes wide.  We hadn't talked about having an
intimate dinner alone, and I know Ethan real intentions aren't to
eat out at a restaurant.

Mulder looks up at us briefly and I think he's about to cry.
"Sure, I guess," he says, and quickly looks away.

Ethan smiles and leans in to kiss me.  Before he pulls away, he
whispers, "I love you," then, with a quick, spiteful glance at
Mulder, disappears underground.

I watch him and Emma until I can't see them anymore, then turn
around and find Mulder watching me warily.

I walk towards him slowly, looking up at the rapidly setting sun.
When I'm a few steps in front of him, I close my eyes and stretch
my arms up over my head, feeling energized and happy.  "Now, that
wasn't so bad, was it?"  I ask him playfully.

Mulder obviously doesn't feel like playing.  He shakes his head
and looks at the ground again, the same as he's done every time
anyone spoke to him today.  "We should probably be headed home,
too," he mumbles sadly.

"No.  Let's walk," I say decisively.  He opens his mouth to
object but I stick my hand out towards him in invitation.  "It'll
be fun, I promise."  I give him my biggest, most sincere smile
and reach for one of his hands, stuck in the pocket of his jeans.

He looks at my face, at my eyes, and I can see him trying to
fight the smile tugging at his own lips.  He reluctantly takes my
hand and shyly asks "Where're we going?"

I lace our fingers together, putting my other hand on his forearm
to draw him closer.  "Where ever we end up," I reply.

We walk in silence for a minute before I finally ask, "Did you
have fun today?"

He hesitates and stares off into the distance.  "Yeah.  Emma's
great...she's a lot of fun."

I smile again and look up at him.  "She seemed to really like
you."  He shrugs.  "She did.  I think Ethan was a little jealous
of it, actually."

"Yeah, he barely seemed to notice her at all," he says, glancing
down at me before quickly looking up and away again.

"I guess he was...preoccupied," I say, feeling a blush creep into
my cheeks.

"You could say that," he says angrily.

I glance over his anger and giddily ask, "So, what'd you think of
Ethan?"

I feel him startle and he looks over at me.  He opens his mouth
but hesitates before saying, "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does, Mulder.  I want to know what you thought of him."

"Why?"

"Because.  It matters to me."

He looks away and takes a deep breath.  "Scully, I honestly
didn't talk to him that much.  You were with him and I was with
Emma."

"What are you general impressions of him, from what time you did
spend with him?"  I feel Mulder try and pull his hand away, but I
tighten my grip and stop walking, standing in front of him.
"Mulder...what's the matter?"

He shrugs again.  "Nothing."

"Don't tell me that.  I know that something's bothering you, but
you won't talk to me.  I'm worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me, Scully," he says solemnly.

"I know I don't have to.  You're my best friend and I care about
you, so I want to worry about you, especially when I think there
really is something wrong and you just won't tell me."  I can
feel exasperation creeping into my voice and try and chase it
away.  I'm not angry with him, I'm just...concerned.

He looks down again and chews his bottom lip, calculating his
next words.  Then he looks up, tears in his eyes.  "Is that all I
am to you, Scully?"

I cock my head.  "What do you mean?"

He shakes his head in frustration and looks away again.  A tear
slips down his cheek and he violently wipes it away, turning away
from me.  He again tries to reclaim his hand from mine, but I
hold tightly to it, squeezing.  "Mulder...please talk to me," I
whisper with as much vehemence as I can muster.  He shakes his
head again.  I let out a deep breath.  "All right.  You don't
have to talk to me."

He squeezes my hand and looks at me suddenly, but doesn't say
anything.

Around us, the street lights are staring to come on as it gets
increasingly darker.  "You're right.  We should be heading home,"
I say before dropping his hand and turning around towards the
Metro station.  Mulder hesitates and I look back at him.  He
looks lost and pathetic, but I don't know what else to do to help
him.  "You coming?"  I ask, and he catches up to me.

The Metro ride back to Foggy Bottom and the short walk to my
place are made in silence, and right before we approach the
building, Mulder stops beside his car and announces, "I'm gonna
go."

"You're not coming up?"  He shakes his head.  "Not even for a few
minutes?"  Another shake.  "Okay."  I walk back towards him and
he crosses his arms over his chest in his classic "stay away from
me" posture.

"Thank you for coming with me today.  I don't know how I would've
done this without you."

He nods and I place my hands on his forearms, trying to pull them
away from his body.  He doesn't budge, so I just rest my hands
there.  I stand on my tip-toes and brush a kiss over his cheek.
When I pull away, I notice tears in his eyes again.  "Thank you,"
I say again.  "I'll see you next week."

He nods and slowly pulls himself away from me, climbs in his car,
and leaves without making sure I'm safely in my building - an
oddity from him.  I stand in the parking lot for a minute,
watching his tail lights disappear into the darkness then turn
around and head up to my apartment.

<><><><><><>

Mulder never did offer to watch Emma for a few hours and I wasn't
about to ask him.  I hadn't spoken to him since our parting on
Tuesday afternoon, three days ago.  That has to be some kind of
record of us not speaking to each other.  I decided that I'm not
going to call him, that he'll have to call me.  I told him he
didn't have to talk to me, which is usually a good way to get him
to talk to me, but the reverse psychology obviously didn't work
this time.  Although I know he is hurting, his mini-confession
last week in his office was only scratching the surface, or maybe
a diversion from the real problem.  But Mulder knows that I'm
here if and when he needs me, that I'll always be here, and all
he has to do is call or come over.  He's yet to do either.

Friday afternoon, I asked Ethan to come over to my place and said
that I would cook dinner for him and Emma.  I had a bit of an
ulterior motive, too.  Ethan and I hadn't been alone since they
had arrived and my libido was in full overdrive.  If I was lucky,
I thought, Emma would fall asleep on the couch and let Ethan and
me have a few minutes to ourselves.

I asked Ethan what Emma's favorite food was and he said anything
Italian, so I made spaghetti.  If she liked it, she didn't give
much of an indication.  She played with it, mostly, but did
manage to eat a few noodles every now and then.  There was ice
cream for dessert, which she loved, but other than that and the
obligatory "please" and "thank you," she didn't say a word to me
the entire time.  Ethan alternated between trying to get a
conversation going between Emma and me and praising me for my
cooking, both of which were futile.  Emma wasn't interested in me
or my food, and I felt like a complete failure.

Surprisingly, as I'm loading the dishwasher, Emma comes and
stands on the other side of the open door, looking at the dishes.
I don't know what to say, so I don't say a word, instead making
sure not to get water on her.

"Where's Mulder?"  she asks quietly.

I close my eyes for a moment.  Damned if I know.  "He's at home,
I guess,"  I say with false cheeriness.

"Where does he live?"

"He lives in Alexandria.  That's not far from here."

"Oh."  She goes back to staring at the dishes and I'm ready to
close the door, but afraid that if I do, she'll run off.

"Did you have fun with Mulder the other day?"  I finally ask.

She nods happily.  "He said he has fishies."

"Yeah, he does.  He has two little fishies."

She smiles and, after a minute of staring at me, runs off to sit
beside her father on the couch in the living room.

Well, that was odd.

I follow her after a minute, handing Ethan a glass of white wine
as I pass him and sitting on the other side of Emma.

"Why don't we see if we can find some cartoons on TV, Em?"  Ethan
asks, nodding at me conspiratorially.

In about thirty minutes, Emma is peacefully sleeping on the couch
and Ethan and I are trying our best to be quiet as we fumble our
way to my bed half dressed.

He tells me that he loves me right before he comes, and I smile
in contentment.  Tonight wasn't quite perfect, but it was
definitely better than Tuesday.

Afterwards, I lay on my stomach, my head on his chest, listening
to his heart beat.  He rubs my back and pulls the covers over me
against the chill of the sweat cooling on my skin and says,
"Thank you."

I giggle into his shoulder.  "For what?"

"For trying so hard.  With Emma, I mean."

"I failed miserably.  I would suck at being a mother."

"No, you wouldn't," he whispers.  "What do you mean, 'would?'"

Huh?  My lazily closed eyes snap open.  "What?"

"You said you would suck at being a mother."

"Yeah...?"

"I thought you said you had a daughter."

Oh.  I burrow my face into his shoulder, trying to disappear.
"Yeah...but it was...different."

"How?"

"Ethan," I sigh in exasperation.  I do NOT want to get into this
right now or ever.  "Even if I explained it to you, you wouldn't
understand."

"I bet I would.  I could try, anyway."

"No," I say angrily.

"Then will you at least answer one question for me?"  I don't say
anything, tears stinging my eyes.  "Who was her father?"

I take a deep breath.  "I don't know," I whisper.  What was that
noise?  The shit hitting the fan?  My relationship crumbling to
the ground?

Ethan holds his breath for a minute, then asks softly, "You don't
know?"

"Like I said, you wouldn't understand."  I roll away from him and
curl myself into a tiny ball, pulling the covers tightly around
me.

He hesitates for a moment, then curls himself around me, pulling
me close to his body, resting his arms over mine.  "Try to
explain it, Dana, please.  I want to know."

He kisses my temple lightly and I whimper, fighting back my
tears.  Another kiss down my cheek, then a series from my neck to
my shoulder and collar bone and I start talking, very slowly and
softly.  "A few years ago I was abducted..."  His hair tickles my
neck as he nods, kissing down to my breast.  "The men that
abducted me did tests on me...some kind of experiments...they
removed my ova and - "  My breath hitches as he lightly teases my
nipple.  "They used the ova to create a child...my
child...without my permission or knowledge.  I have no idea who
her father is or if she even has a father."

Ethan pauses and looks up at me.  He pushes himself up and braces
his arms around me, gently coaxing me onto my back, then settles
down to continue his ministrations.  "Another woman gave birth to
her and raised her as a daughter.  Then I found her.  Her mother
and father were killed by the same men who abducted me, but she
was so sick.  I only knew her for a few days and then she died."
Tears are streaming silently down my cheeks now, and Ethan's
tongue and hands have stopped feeling good.

"Ethan..."  I say pitifully, pushing him away as he settles
himself between my legs.

"What?" he asks in surprise.

"Were you even listening to me?"

"Yes," he whispers, laying his body over mine, kissing away my
tears.  "You're right.  I don't understand," is all he says
before he starts his journey downwards again.

I wiggle, trying to get out from under him.  I don't feel like
sex now.  I just poured my heart out to him and he didn't even
acknowledge it.  All I want to do is drowned myself in a bubble
bath and sob for a few hours - alone.

He puts his hands on my hips to keep me still; he probably thinks
I'm just playing around, not actually trying to get away.  He's
reached my stomach again and he pauses, looking up at me.

"We're leaving tomorrow," he whispers.

"I know," I whisper back.

"Dana?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't want to leave you."

I don't answer.

"I love you," he whispers, resuming his task.

"Ethan, I don't want to do this right now," I say a little too
loudly.

He sits up and rests on his calves, studying me in the dim light
slanting through the blinds.  "What's the matter?"

I shake my head and turn over, resuming my fetal position, not
answering.

He sits for a minute, then the mattress jumps as he stands up.
He searches for his clothes, then dresses, and opens the door.
"I'll call you before we leave tomorrow," he says, then closes
the door behind him.

I hear him open and close the front door, too, then silence as he
leaves me blessedly alone.  I look at the clock - 10:17 - then
turn my head into my pillow and sob.

<><><>End Part 1<><><>

Feedback now!  Lil_gusty@hotmail.com



Next Step (2/3)
Headers in Part 1

<><><><><><>

I can't sleep.  I've been laying here for three hours,
alternately crying in loneliness and anger.  Loneliness because
I've pushed Ethan away from me, either by telling him a story
which I knew he wouldn't understand or believe, or by turning him
out of my bed.  I'd tried so hard to be good for him in every way
imaginable: I'd tried to coax his daughter into liking me, I'd
tried to gloss over and creatively edit the facts of the past few
years of my life, I'd tried to act like the happy, tenacious Dana
that he knew - that he left - for him, and everything had back
fired.  I was right back where I started, before he ever came to
visit me one lonely Friday night, only slightly more depressed
about the state of my life than I was then.

If someone had asked me before he came back if I was happy, I
would've hesitated, but answered that yes, I was.  Maybe not
every minute of every day, but overall, in general, I was
basically happy.  I had a nice apartment, enough money to pay my
bills and live comfortably, a good friend and partner, and a
reasonably exciting and challenging job.  It wasn't the life I
had imagined for myself when I was twenty-five, but it wasn't too
bad.  It could have been a lot worse.

Now, though, if someone asked me if I was happy, as Ethan had a
few weeks ago, I would honestly say that I didn't know.  All I
can see now is that life that I could've had if I'd married Ethan
eight years ago, and all I see are positive things.  Somewhere in
the back of my mind, I know I'm idealizing my life-that-wasn't,
but the negative doesn't register right now.

All this week, where ever Ethan and I would go with Emma, I would
try my best to treat Emma like she was my daughter.  I thought it
would help me erase my anxiousness about being with her, but it
hadn't.  It had only deepened my depression and emptiness.  I
kept thinking of all the people around us, the strangers, who
thought that we were a happy little family, maybe on vacation,
maybe just going out to eat together.  They didn't know that she
wasn't my daughter; that my daughter had turned to sand before we
buried her in San Diego, next to an aunt and a memorial for a
grandfather she never knew.  They didn't know that I couldn't
have any more children.

Not being able to have children never really bothered me.  As I
was told when I tried to adopt Emily, I wasn't a very good
candidate for parenthood.  My job had become my life, and what
tiny cracks it didn't fill, Mulder was there to complete the
take-over.  I never had time to think about having a family and
therefore never missed the fact that I couldn't.  I never thought
about it and it never bothered me.

Ethan's resurfacing has brought up those long-repressed emotions.
I told Ethan that I thought it was God's way of punishing me.
Maybe I was being a little over dramatic, but it wouldn't
surprise me that the same God who has taken from me and taken
from me, and has showed me no mercy or support over these last
few years when I've needed Him the most, would see that, because
of my abortion of one deformed innocent, I would never be allowed
the chance to have a healthy child.

Mulder said he was tired of chasing after things that weren't
there to be found when the chase ended; maybe I'm tired too.  I
never intended to be consumed by his quest, and while I don't
regret my decision to stay with him, sometimes I wonder if it's
been worth all the sacrifices I've had to make.

If Mulder were happy with his closure from Samantha, it would be
worth it.  But Mulder's not happy, so was it worth it?

I told Mulder that I wanted an end.  Maybe Ethan is that end.  My
life has always seemed to move in circles, and I have a tattoo on
my back to prove it.  Maybe my circle is completing itself and
I'm supposed to return to Ethan after my trials and tribulations.

Maybe God sent him to show me that.

I sit up in bed, the sheet and comforter falling to my waist and
exposing my bare chest to the darkness.  If Ethan is that end, I
may have just ruined my chance of accepting it.  He said he would
find a way to make this work - this thing between us - so that it
would last forever.  I want that forever.

But I can't leave without my closure.

I rise from the bed and dress in the dark, putting my black dress
pants and sleeveless cream-colored blouse back on from earlier,
slip into my black sandals, and hastily leave my apartment.

The night had gotten colder, and chill bumps rise on my bare arms
and make me nervous, edgy, as I climb into my car and start the
short drive to Alexandria.

When I arrive at Mulder's building, I notice his car parked out
front.  It's almost two o'clock.  I don't know where he would be
at this time of night, but I'm glad he's here instead.  He's
always here when I need him.  There's a faint, bluish-white light
flickering inside his window.  He must be awake, too.

When I get to his door, I hesitate, listening to the muffled
sounds of the television coming from the other side.  He's not
watching one of those tapes that aren't his, thank God, but he's
exercising a method of breaking his insomnia.  He told me once
that, all through college, he would sleep with either the TV or
radio on to chase away his nightmares.  After the nightmares
tapered off, he'd never thought to get used to sleeping in the
silence again.

I knock softly on his door, not wanting to wake his neighbors or,
if he is asleep, wake him.  In a moment, I hear his footsteps
crossing the foyer and pause in front of the door, wondering who
could be visiting him at this time of night.

Slowly, I hear the lock disengage and the door creak open a
crack.  I peak through it into the quasi-darkness, but I don't
see him.

"Mulder?"  I whisper as loud as I can.

I hear a sigh of relief, then the door swings open and Mulder
emerges from behind it.  He's bare-chested and wearing a pair of
flannel pajama pants hanging low on his hips, ready for bed - or
couch.  I see the light from the TV reflecting off something in
his hand and, looking down, I realize that he's holding his gun,
ready to shoot whoever was at the door.

He sees me eyeing the gun and tucks it behind his back.  "What're
you doing here?" he sleepily asks.

"I wanted to talk to you.  Were you asleep?"

He shakes his head and steps back, letting me enter.  He closes
the door softly behind him and locks it, clicking the safety of
his gun on.

I walk into the living room and plop down on his couch heavily.
The cushions are molded to his body and warm from where he was
laying.  A thin blanket and pillow adorn opposite ends of the
couch, and I impulsively pull the blanket over me in a belated
attempt at warmth, then curl up into the pillow like a large
house cat.

He watches me warily for a minute and I realize that he lied to
me.  There are crease on his face from the pillow and his
movements are sluggish, his eyes hooded: he was asleep.  He sits
down on the middle cushion and mutes the TV, then stares at me.

"I did wake you.  I'm sorry," I whisper miserably.

"It's okay.  I shouldn't be sleeping out here anyway."

I give him a questioning look.

"I'm gettin' old.  If I sleep out here, I wake up sore the next
morning."  He smiles slightly and looks at the floor between his
knees.

"You're going to be thirty-nine on your birthday," I say,
laughing.

"Don't remind me."  He shakes his head and looks back at me with
wide, sad eyes.

"I wanted to talk to you," I repeat and he leans back into the
couch.  "Get comfortable.  I'm on a rant and this could take a
while."

He tugs the bottom of the blanket over his legs and I snatch it
back.  He smiles again and scoots closer to me, pulling a corner
of the blanket over his lap, then slides my sandals off my feet
and tucks the rest of the blanket around my freezing toes.

"Ethan and Emma are going back home tomorrow," I start, and he
looks away, fiddling with the blanket.  "I was thinking about
that end we keep discussing.  And I've come to the conclusion
that my end is with him."

Mulder looks at me then, eyes wide and shocked.

"You know this tattoo I have?"  He nods.  "At the time, it
represented the way that I lived my life.  In circles."  He nods
again, trying to follow my tangled diatribe.  "Maybe Ethan
returning to my life is another of those circles...maybe he
symbolizes where this stage of my life is supposed to end and the
next phase is supposed to begin."

"The next phase with Ethan?"  Mulder asks quietly, sadly.

"Yeah."  I look at him, but he's studying a spot on the ground
between his knees again.  "What'd you think?"

He shakes his head, pondering, but not saying anything.

I sit up and touch his shoulder lightly, but he still doesn't
look at me.  "If I quit the Bureau and went with Ethan, what
would you do?"

He looks up and stares straight ahead, at the people on TV,
silently talking to no one.

"Mulder?"

"I don't know," he says quickly.

I nod and rub his shoulder, right over the scar where I shot him
all those years ago.  "Would you stay at the Bureau?"

"I don't know!"  He repeats loudly.

I sigh and he looks sharply at me.  "Is that what you wanted to
talk to me about?  Did he ask you to marry him?" he asks
seriously.

"No.  Not yet.  I don't even know if he wants to, but if he
does -"

He stands abruptly, slowly pacing behind his coffee table.
"You'll say yes?  Just like that?  He leaves you eight years ago,
then mysteriously pops back into your life with a little girl
that reminds you of Emily and you just concede to marry him?  You
don't even know him anymore, Scully!"

"I do know him, Mulder, I've known him for years," I interrupt.

"But he's changed, Scully, and so have you.  The relationship
that you had with him may not work now."

I sigh in annoyance.  He's treating me like a child, someone
who's not competent to make her own decisions, just because he
doesn't agree with them.  He's always done that, belittled me
because I'd disagree with him.  Even if he does have a good point
this time.

"Okay...okay, maybe you're right.  But it's still something to
think about."  He stops pacing, looks at me for a second, then
bows his head in seeming defeat.  "But I want to know what you'd
do if I left."

He nods sadly.  "I don't know, Scully."  He looks at me very
solemnly and my heart unconsciously speed up a little.  He sighs
tiredly and sits back down beside me.  "Why do you want to know?
I mean, what does it matter what I would do?"

"Why wouldn't it matter?"  He shrugs.  "For so long, it's just
been you and me, and I want to make sure that you understand why
I'm doing this.  I'm not running away from you, I'm just...I just
want to know what you'll do without me."

He sighs again and closes his eyes.  "I've never really thought
about it.  I guess I never thought I'd have to worry about it -
not having you in my life -"

"I'd still be a part of your life, Mulder, just not to the degree
that I am now," I sternly interrupt.

"And how would Ethan feel about that?"

"It's not up for discussion.  He accepts every part of my life,
or he doesn't accept me at all."

We're silent for a minute, both staring at the flashing
television in front of us.  "Scully?" he quietly asks, not moving
his eyes from the screen.

"Yeah?"

"After everything that's happened to you because of me, you
deserve some happiness.  If he makes you happy, that's all that
matters to me."

I blink back tears at his sentiments, then say to him very
softly, "Thank you, Mulder."

"I'm just not convinced that he can make you happy, Scully."

He looks at me then, honesty and seriousness in his eyes.  I nod,
not knowing how to respond to that.  He looks away again, the
conversation officially declared closed.

I stand up, feeling fatigue and ache in my joints.  "Do you mind
if I sleep here tonight?"  I ask in a tiny voice.

He shakes his head and looks away, towards his empty window.

"Do you have a reasonably clean T-shirt I can sleep in?"

He nods and quickly disappears into his bedroom, not looking at
me as he passes me.

He emerges after a few seconds with a white undershirt and asks,
"This okay?"

I smile and take it from him.  "I'll sleep out here.  Don't want
you to be sore in the morning, old man," I tease.

He smiles shyly and shakes his head.  "No, that's okay.  One more
night won't kill me."

"You sure?  We've shared a bed before; I don't mind."

He pauses, thinking.  "No.  It's okay."

I nod and reach up to his neck, curling my fingers around the
base of it and pull him down, brushing a kiss over his cheekbone.
"Goodnight," I whisper.  "Thank you for talking to me, for
listening to me.  You've always been a good listener."

He nods, blushing slightly, and picks up his remote, turning off
the TV.

I stand in front of him, in the dark, and listen as he whispers,
"'Night."

I turn and walk into his bedroom, close the door, hastily change
into his T-shirt, and climb into his bed.  In just a few minutes,
I fall asleep, surrounded by his scent like a second skin.

<><><><><><>

I'm dreaming again.  It's one of those dreams where you're awake
enough to still be dreaming, yet not able to control what
happens.  You're watching it like you watch a movie, shouting at
yourself and the other players to do what you want them to do,
not what your subconscious wants them to do.  It's futile, but it
makes you feel a little better to at least try and control the
situation.

It's about that night that Mulder came back from England, the
night that I fell asleep on his couch while we were discussing
destiny, fate, and how to throw a curve ball.  Mulder gingerly
covered me with his scratchy Indian blanket, then went into his
bedroom, I assume to get ready for bed.  A few minutes later, he
emerged in his pajama pants and bare-chested, and came to tower
over me, hands on hips, a distressed look on his face.

He appeared to be thinking and, in the end, decided against
whatever it was he was thinking about.  He re-tucked the blanket
around me, turned out the lights, and went back into his bedroom,
partially closing the door behind him.

After about an hour, I woke up and realized where I was.  Already
a little stiff from sleeping in the awkward position, I quietly
stood up and started slipping on my shoes.  I saw light spilling
into the living room from Mulder's bedroom, and I peaked into the
room, seeing if he was asleep.  He wasn't - instead, he was
propped up against his headboard, reading a book by lamplight -
and noticed me standing there immediately.

I smiled shyly and walked into his room, sitting on the side of
his bed.  "Sorry I fell asleep," I said softly.

"It's okay.  You were exhausted," he'd said, looking at me with
sleepy eyes.

"Well...I'm gonna...go home, I guess."

He sat up straight, then, and quickly, nervously, said "You don't
have to."  I cocked my head, silently asking why I didn't.  "It's
too late for you to be driving home now, and you're still tired.
You might fall asleep on the way."

I nodded, looking at the floor.  "You're right."

He nodded, too, then shyly asked, "Do you want to sleep in here?"

I looked back at him.  His eyes were pleading, begging me to
stay, watching me carefully in case I didn't.

I grinned at his nervousness.  We'd shared a bed before - when we
hadn't had a choice - and I didn't find it awkward to sleep with
him.  I crawled over to the other side of the bed, turned away
from him, and stripped down to my panties and camisole, crawling
into bed and piling the covers on top of me against the slight
chill in the spring air.  When I'd gotten settled and
comfortable, I looked back at Mulder, still staring at me, wide
eyed.  I smiled again and said, "'Night," before turning away
from him and closing my eyes.

He took a deep breath, held it, and then asked, "Do you want me
to turn off the light?  I can, if it's keeping you awake."

"No, it's fine," I'd said.

The next thing I remember, I woke up at 5:30 with a heavy, lazy
arm draped across my stomach.  Mulder had curled around me
sometime during the night seeking warmth and I, apparently, had
snuggled back into his body.  I'd shifted myself in his embrace
and discovered that he'd shed his pajama pants at some point
during the night and was pressed against me in only a thin pair
of boxer-briefs and that underneath those boxer-briefs was a very
impressive erection.  As I'd inadvertently rubbed against it,
he'd groaned slightly and rubbed back, pulling me tighter against
him.  His open mouth settled itself over my collar bone and the
moist puffs of air had made me shiver.  That's when I knew it was
time to go.

I untangled myself from his warm, heavy limbs and walked softly
into the bathroom, rinsed my mouth with mouthwash, washed my
face, and redressed in my clothes from the previous day.  After a
lingering glance at my sleeping partner, I'd left his apartment
and returned to my own before the sun had come up.

I never mentioned that morning to him and either he didn't
remember it or he did remember it, but was too afraid to
acknowledge it, but he never mentioned it either.

That was how it had really happened, but my dream had different
ideas.

In my dream, I wake up and realize that I've fallen asleep on
Mulder's couch.  I slip on my shoes and, as I pass his firmly
closed bedroom door, I hesitate, staring at it like I could see
through it.  I turn the knob and gently push the door open,
seeing Mulder asleep in the big bed, the street lights outside
painting him in golden-orange color.  I step towards the bed,
expecting him to wake up at any minute, but he doesn't.

I tell my dream self to turn around and walk out the door, to go
home, to leave Mulder sleeping, but she doesn't listen.

I keep approaching the bed, trying not to wake him.  When I get
even with his head, I slowly divest myself of my clothes,
including the panties and camisole.  Then I slowly draw the
covers back, exposing a delightfully nude Ethan, not Mulder,
sporting that same impressive erection.

Why Ethan is in Mulder's bed, why he's nude, I have no idea, but
my dream self isn't inclined to try and figure it out.

I put one knee on the bed, then straddle him, my hips poised
above his, though not touching, my hands fisting the pillow on
either side of his head.  I lean down and kiss the tender spot
behind his ear, then trail my open mouth down to his throat.  He
wakes, but doesn't seem to find it odd that we're both nude, in a
strange bed, and inches away from having sex in this strange bed,
instead placing his hands on the curve of my waist, then sliding
them up to cup and caress my breaths before sliding back down to
my hips, pulling me closer to him.

"Mul...der..."  I moan against his neck.

Our mouths, which had before now been panting and gulping breaths
against each other's skin, join in a harsh, bruising kiss.  As my
tongue dips between his open lips and finds his, he tugs my hips
one last time and I slide down on to him, shuttering in pleasure.
I moan Mulder's name again, louder, and I know Ethan heard it.
He doesn't appear to be phased, though.

Yeah, that's definitely a dream, and I'd stopped screaming at my
dream self to stop, instead watching her, seeing how far this
would go.

As he penetrates me, I wake up, still shuddering.  I open my eyes
and see darkness surrounding me, though I know I'm in Mulder's
bed.  Sweat coats my face and chest in a fine layer, and I kick
the thick covers off, desperate to cool myself down.

I roll to my back, tucking my damp hair behind my ears.  Looking
at the clock, I realize that it's almost seven am, and that the
sun will be rising at any moment and remembering that, on
weekends, Mulder rises with the sun to go jogging.

I sigh and pull the covers back over my now-chilled body, close
my eyes, and burrow deeply into my cocoon of soft.

I'm almost asleep again when I hear the bedroom door creak open.
My dream, still fresh in my memory and body, began similar to
this.

I wonder what that dream could mean.  Ethan in Mulder's bed, my
moaning Mulder's name instead of Ethan's.  Ethan not caring.
Maybe it doesn't mean anything.

He walks in and I clamp my eyes shut tightly, feigning sleep.  He
quietly steps towards the foot of the bed, pausing and watching
me silently.  After a few seconds, he walks to his closet and I
hear him changing clothes.  A few minutes more and he leaves his
bedroom, closing the door behind him.  Then, another door closes
as he leaves for his jog.

I'll wait until I'm sure he's gone, I tell myself as I mentally
prepare my departure.  After a dream such as the one I'd had, I
don't want to face him.  I'd had dreams about him in the past
and, although I hadn't had one quite so graphic in a long time,
I'd always felt that somehow, he knew.  He could read it in my
face or body language, and I'd always spent the next few days
avoiding him as much as possible, until I was sure he could no
longer see it.

My eye lids get heavy again and I remember how exhausted I am.
Sex with Ethan, crying, and pornographic dreams are taxing on my
body, and I struggle not to fall asleep in Mulder's soft,
yielding, warm, luxurious bed.

Ethan - he's leaving today.  He'd said earlier that he wanted me
to go with him to the airport, to be with me as long as possible.
He'd said that Thursday - I wonder if he feels the same way now.

I take a deep breath and pull the covers more tightly around me,
letting my body lose its battle with sleep.

<><><><><><>

The next thing I know, I'm smelling coffee and hearing a shower
run.  Mulder was back and I had fallen asleep.  I sigh, then
snuggle deeply into the covers, savoring the warmth for a moment
more before I throw them off of me and stand up.  It cold, and I
hurriedly dress and follow the scent of fresh caffeine to the
kitchen.

Mulder had bought us Starbucks coffee - again - plus gooey,
yummy, cinnamon rolls.  I consider waiting for him to finish his
shower before I start eating, but the smells and sights are
making me famished, so I dainty dig in to my share of the
breakfast, chewing slowly in an effort to wait for him.

A few minutes later, the shower cuts off and the bathroom door
opens.  Mulder sticks his head out and, seeing the empty bed,
calls "Scully?" into the apartment.

"I'm in here...I found breakfast," I call back, mouth full.

"Oh...I'll be out in a few minutes."

Before I can swallow and answer, the door's closed again as
Mulder continues his morning routine.

In the silence, I consider my dream again.  What a weird dream to
have.  Maybe it says something about how stressed I am about
dividing my time between Mulder and Ethan.

I look at the clock on the microwave.  Assuming it's right, it's
a little after nine.  Ethan hasn't called me on my cell phone to
see if I'm still going to the airport with him yet and a part of
me thinks that he won't.  That he'll just leave without saying
goodbye again and disappear from my life.

I'm suddenly not hungry anymore and shove my half-eaten cinnamon
roll away, swallowing bile with my last sip of coffee.

Well, Mom, I'd screwed up again.  My last chance and I blew it.

I hear the bathroom door open again and Mulder emerges.  He
ambles into the kitchen, smiling slightly, and asking, "Sleep
well?"

Yeah, except for this pornographic dream I kinda had about you
but not really, I slept just fine.  "Yeah."

"I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No."

He nods.  "We hadn't had a cinnamon roll in a while so..." he
gestures at my half-eaten one and opens his, picking up the fork
that I'd laid out for him.

"It was good; thank you."

"You done?" he looks back and forth between me and the pastry and
I nod, swallowing more bile.

He nods back, slightly confused.  Usually, when we buy these
cinnamon rolls, he ends up sharing half of his with me after I've
finished my own.  But I'm just not hungry anymore.

I take a deep breath.  "Mulder, I -"

He puts his fork down, devoting all of his attention to me.

"I'm sorry I bothered you last night, but I needed to talk to
someone who understands, someone who believes me. "

"It's not a bother Scully," he says seriously, tilting his head
in silent encouragement for me to elaborate and leaning heavily
on the counter beside me.  "I told you - anytime you want to
talk."

I nod and swallow again.  "Last night...Ethan and Emma came over
for dinner and I told Ethan about Emily."  My voice is flatter
than necessary, but I don't want to start sobbing again.  As I
look down at the floor, Mulder stands up and puts his hands on my
shoulders, taking a step closer towards me.

"What'd he say?" he asks quietly.

"Nothing.  He said absolutely nothing," I answer pitifully,
sniffing once despite myself.

He gently massages my shoulders and takes another step towards me
until his nose is almost touching my hair.  "I'm sorry, Scully."

"I knew it, though.  I knew he wouldn't understand, but I thought
he should know...what he was getting into."

Mulder nods and tugs on my shoulders, trying to pull me into his
chest for a comforting hug.  I don't let him, though, pushing him
away and taking a few steps back.

He doesn't look up from where his head was bent, talking softly
to me, and I manage to say, "I have to go.  Ethan's leaving
today..."

He looks up at me, then, and opens his mouth to say something.  I
cut him off, though.  "I have to go," I whisper again, turning
and opening his door, not hesitating as I step out and close the
door harder than necessary.

I pull my keys out of my pocket and navigate my way to my car
through a film of tears, wondering if Ethan's awake yet.

I drive home on auto-pilot, coming close to at least one serious
accident when I tried to change lanes without checking my blind
spot.  When I get to my apartment, I close my eyes and walk to my
answering machine, praying that there'll be a message from Ethan
there.  Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and a red, blinking
"1" greets me.  I punch the button and curse at the machine
telling me "You have one new message."  Well, obviously.  Get on
with it!

"Dana, it's me."  I close my eyes again and a tear falls onto the
talking plastic against my will.  His voice is sad, tired, like I
feel.  "I, uh, I was wondering if you were still gonna meet us at
the airport."  A pause.  "I'm sorry for the way I acted last
night.  You were obviously upset and I shouldn't have left you
like that, but..."  Deep breath.  "I want to talk to you before
we leave.  If you don't want to come to the airport, please call
me.  I love you."

The machine tells me he called at eight thirty, while I was still
asleep at Mulder's.  I pick up the phone and, holding my breath,
dial his hotel room.

On the fifth ring, just when I'm about to hang up, he answers.

"Ethan," I whisper, relief flooding my body.

"Dana, thank God.  I was afraid you wouldn't call."

"I was afraid you wouldn't call.  I'm sorry...I was - wasn't
here."

He doesn't say anything for a minute, expecting me to elaborate.

"You shouldn't be apologizing to me.  I'm the one who ruined our
night last night," I finally say, breaking the silence.

"Well, we both agree that we're sorry for the way we handled it,"
he says diplomatically.

I nod.  "I need to talk to you, too, and I still want to come to
the airport if you want me to."

"Yeah, absolutely."

I smile.  "Okay.  I'll meet you there at 12:30?"  I ask,
remembering our plans.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Dana, I do love you."

I close my eyes again, and no tears fall this time.  "I know.  I
love you, too."

I hear a 'click' as he hangs up, not saying goodbye.

Yet, anyway.

<><><><><><>

Ethan and Emma ate lunch at the airport, but I couldn't stand the
thought of food and sipped my over-carbonated diet coke, watching
Emma watch the minions of people bustling around her.

When we return to the gate, Ethan asks Emma to sit down in one of
the seats, explaining that he and I are going to stand by the
window, and for her not get up.  She dutifully nods and Ethan
takes me by the hand, walking to our place in the drama.

"Dana..." he abruptly starts, turning so he can watch Emma over
my shoulder.  "What you told me last night, about Emily...that's
not true, is it?"

"Yes, it is," I strongly answer, a little annoyed that he would
think I'd lie to him about something as important as this.

He nods, though I can tell he's not convinced.  "Well, that's a
hell of a story."  I stare blankly out the window, watching the
planes and people below.

"You said you wanted to talk to me," he prompts.

I don't take my eyes away from the outside, not wanting to look
at him as I say this.  "I wanted to apologize for not being fair
to you and Emma.  I looked so forward to your visit, but I
just...I was preoccupied with work, " I hedge - Mulder qualifies
as work.  "I couldn't enjoy it like I wanted to, and Emma
probably hates me and I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I ruined
everything."

"Dana, you didn't ruin everything," he softly says, stroking my
cheek with his knuckles.

"I've made some decisions.  I've decided that I want this.  I
want you and Emma...and that life that I chose not to have.  I
want to make this last forever, too, and I'm willing to change to
do that.  What ever I have to do, I'm ready," I finish, tears in
my eyes and voice.

I'm still looking away, but from the corner of my eye, I see
Ethan take a deep breath, hold it, close his eyes, and exhale
slowly.  "That's a big decision," he murmurs, gently turning my
face towards his.

I finally, hesitantly meet his eyes, which are welled with tears
as well.  "I'm ready, too, Dana," comes out as barely a whisper.

I nod and smile, feeling it stretch my taunt, dry skin.

"Does this mean that you're finally ready to get married?" he
asks, seriousness in his eyes.

I nod again, though less confidently than before.  "I think so."

He beams, then, and cheerily says, "Then let's go tell Emma."

<><><><><><>

Telling Emma proved to be less than exhilarating.  Ethan and I
walked over to where she was sitting - holding hands - and Ethan
bent down and simply said, "How would you like it if Dana came to
live with us?"

Emma kept kicking her feet in the plastic seat, making little
drumming noises as the heels of her tennis shoes hit underneath,
and blinked up at her father, then at me, then back to her
father.

I smiled and tried to show my enthusiasm, but Emma didn't seem to
notice.  Maybe she didn't understand what Ethan was trying to
tell her or maybe she just really doesn't like me, but Emma gave
no reaction, positive or negative.  The only thing she did was
shrug halfheartedly, then tell Ethan she was thirsty.

Ethan said later that he had discussed the possibility of me
living with them before they arrived in DC and that Emma seemed
receptive.  Ethan said that Emma was probably just tired and
ready to get back home.  I kept smiling, brushing away renegade
tears as they sporadically fell, and agreed with him; she was
tired and homesick.

Before they boarded the plane, Ethan asked me when I would tell
my mother and I replied that I didn't know.  I hadn't actually
thought about it.  In a way, I felt that telling my mother would
be admitting that she had been right, that I was supposed to
marry Ethan all those years ago and now he and God were giving me
another chance.  It would be admitting that working for the
Bureau had really just been a phase left over from my rebellious
youth and that now, I had come to my senses, realized where my
place in life was, and decided to grasp it with both hands before
it escaped again.

It would be admitting that Ethan was right, too.  That God had
brought us together again for a reason - to be together after all
of our trial, tribulations, and tragedies we had suffered while
apart.

I hate it when other people are right.

Thinking of all this on the drive back to my apartment,
rehearsing what I would say to my mother when I called, how I
would deflect her questions about when and how much money, I
realized that this was a huge blow to my pride and independence.
I was admitting to my mother and to myself that loneliness had
finally gotten the better of me and that I needed companionship.
I needed someone.

For so long, I had convinced myself that needing someone was weak
and that I would never, ever sacrifice my pride, my life, my
sovereignty, just to have someone to share my life with.  But I
was doing those things now, and while it sickened me to think of
how I was admitting dependence and conceding defeat, it excited
me to know that I would finally be settled, have someone to sleep
beside me at night, someone to expect me home in the evenings,
someone who cared whether I lived or died.

Maybe that isn't the same as admitting dependency.

I put off calling my mother, though, as long as possible.  On
most Saturday's, we have lunch together or, at the very least,
talk on the phone, but I had called her earlier in the week
telling her that Ethan and Emma were leaving on Saturday and that
I wouldn't be able to make our lunch date, and wouldn't be near a
phone until later that day.  She said she understood, then asked
how things were going.  "Fine," I had told her.  She asked if
Ethan and I wanted to spend an evening alone together, if we
wanted her to watch Emma, and I automatically responded no.
After a beat of tense, misunderstanding silence, she said that
her offer would be open if we changed our minds.  I never
mentioned the offer to Ethan, and I hadn't changed my mind.

My giddiness and initial excitement over Ethan's proposal had
worn off by the time I'd gotten home, and my thoughts were now
filled with the practical things: would I have to move to Atlanta
or would they move here?  Ethan would probably insist that Emma
stay in Atlanta, if only to be close to her mother and his
parents.  If I did move, where would I work?  I still had no
interest in working in an FBI field office, so I would have to
find an entirely new career.  Maybe teaching at a college - Emory
University was in Atlanta, and it had a medical school.  Or maybe
the CDC - I was offered a job there when I graduated from med
school and when I turned it down to go to the Bureau, they
periodically sent me job offers, claiming they would double my
salary, buy me a car, pay my relocation expenses.  But I was
happy at Quantico and later, happy on the X-Files, so I remained
adamant in my refusals.  But maybe the offers are still open.
How would I feel about leaving my mother all alone?  Bill and
Charles moved so often and were hardly ever available to visit
Mom, but at least I was only an hour away if she needed me in an
emergency, but if I moved to Atlanta, she'd be up here all alone.

And what about Mulder?  He'd be up here all alone, too.  He
doesn't have any family, no real friends.  How would he react to
my moving a thousand miles away?

I hadn't even thought about telling Mulder about my engagement.
He thinks that Ethan and I are moving too fast and, in many ways,
I think it makes him angry that I finally have a life, that I'm
no longer lonely, and he still is.

I think that it's always been a comfort to Mulder that he has
company in his solitary lifestyle.  He's an extremely possessive
person, especially of me, and maybe he's a little jealous of my
relationship with Ethan as well.  Jealous that I have someone to
love and that loves me and he doesn't, the same sort of jealousy
I felt towards him when he dated Alicia.

It is a comfort to know that someone as socially isolated as
yourself has a counterpart that's just as socially isolated.  And
I can't imagine how I would feel if Mulder approached me and
suddenly announced that he was getting married to someone that I
barely knew, that he barely knew.  I would be jealous of that
relationship and I would be angry that he was leaving me in my
solitude while he went off and lived the American dream.  After
all, it wouldn't be fair.  I'm the one that suffered because of
his quest, and now he abandons me for someone else?  If either
one of us should be marrying or abandoning the other, it should
be me marrying and abandoning him.  It's only fair.

Something occurs to me then, smacking me upside the head like a
slap across the face: Mulder's weird moods, his depression and
irritability, his distance from me - all of these things started
when I mentioned that Ethan was coming to visit and bringing his
five-year-old daughter named Emma.  He'd started avoiding me
then, and acted awkward whenever I brought up something about
Ethan, like him living in Roswell.  He'd started not sleeping and
his eyes had been perpetually bloodshot after I'd asked him to
come with us to the Mall.  Maybe Mulder was jealous that I had a
relationship with someone and he didn't.  Maybe he was afraid
that I would abandon him, and depressed because I had already
appeared to be doing so.

Or maybe it was all a huge coincidence.  Mulder could have a
relationship with someone if he wanted to, and he chooses to
alienate anyone who is interested in him - like Alicia.  His
loneliness is his fault.

But whose fault was his depression and jealousy?

Maybe Mulder was right: maybe I am moving way too fast.  Could I
really abandon him and leave him all alone to sink further and
further into his depression and self-loathing.  Could I really
marry a man whom I haven't had any contact with in eight years,
who'd abandoned me when I'd needed him the most?

Maybe I should've told Ethan that I needed to think about this
before I gave him an answer.  Maybe I shouldn't have rushed into
this.  Maybe I should've thought about all the practicalities of
this before I'd committed myself to it.

Then, if I'd told Ethan to wait, that I'd needed to think,
chances are he would've gotten on that plane and I never would've
seen or spoken to him again.  I hurt him once by making him wait
on me, he probably wouldn't allow me to do so again.

My apartment seems darker, emptier when I get home.  I wonder
what kind of house Ethan lives in - I know he makes a lot more
money than I do.  Certainly, it's bigger than my moderately sized
apartment and I'm sure it exudes that "homey" feeling that my
home never did.  Ethan's home would never seem dark and empty, it
would always be filled with light and comfort.

I decide that, even though it's only a little after three, I'm
taking a long, hot, relaxing bath and sipping white wine.
Carrying the phone into the bathroom with me, I slip beneath the
vanilla scented bubbles and just-hot-enough water, emitting a
huge, echoing, sigh of relief as I get comfortable.

I hadn't allowed myself to realize how stressful this past week
had been on me and while it hadn't been quite as successful as I
had intended, the end product had been surprising and
stimulating.  For the first time in a long, long while, I felt
that I had a goal, a purpose in my life, and a reason to achieve
it.  I just wonder if that goal is attainable, or if I've set
myself up for failure.

I wonder idly if Ethan's master bathroom has a large enough
bathtub for both of us, then giggle quietly as I imagine what a
dual bath would consist of.

After the bath water gets cold and the bubbles disappear, I wrap
myself in my thin, summer robe and lay down on my couch,
determined to find something boring on TV to vegetate in front
of.  I'm almost asleep when, at 5:30, my mother calls.

"So, did Ethan make his plane okay?"

"Yeah.  They should be home by now."

"He hasn't called?"  She asks in surprise.

"No, not yet."

"Oh, well..."

Silence.

"Mom?"  I ask in a tiny, childish voice.  "Can I ask you
something?"

"Of course, Dana, you know you can ask me anything," she says
sweetly, like mothers are supposed to do.

"Okay."  I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and begin.  "Last
night, I told Ethan about Emily."

"Why?"  My mother sternly interrupts.

I'm surprised by her tone.  "Because, he needed to know.  She was
a part of me, and I don't think it's right to keep her a secret.
I don't think I should keep any secrets from him."

My mother sighs heavily, disappointedly, and says in a low, angry
voice, "Ethan doesn't need to know everything, Dana.  Some things
should remain in the past."

I gape at the phone.  "Are you saying that you're ashamed of
her?"

"No, Dana of course -"

"She was my daughter!  The only daughter I'll ever have!  Your
granddaughter!  How can you possibly be ashamed of her?"  I
scream.

"Dana, I am not ashamed of her, but she was an abomination of
nature.  She was never meant to be!  She wasn't even human!"

I hear my mother's mouth snap shut after those words, regretting
them as soon as they left her lips.  Tears sting my eyes and
nothing comes out of my open mouth, no words are there to express
what I feel to her.

After a long, uncomfortable silence, she finally speaks again.
"What did he say, Dana?"

"He said that he didn't understand," I rasp into the phone.

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

Neither of us says anything else for a few tense minutes and I
wonder if she's hung up on me.

"Dana, what did you want to ask me?"

I'd forgotten I'd had anything to ask her.  "Ethan asked me to
marry him today and I said yes."  There's no reaction from the
other end of the line, so I continue.  "But I'm wondering if my
decision was too hasty."

"Why?"  She asks, totally perplexed.

"Well," I inhale deeply, then slowly exhale through my nose.  "I
didn't think about some things.  That I'd be leaving you all
alone up here -"

"Oh, I'll be fine, Dana," she says in exasperation.

"And that I'd be leaving Mulder all alone."  No response.  "He's
been so depressed lately, and I just realized today that it may
be because of Ethan, because of our relationship.  I think Mulder
feels like I'm abandoning him, and I'm not, but how can I
convince him of that?  I don't want to hurt him..."  I finish in
a whisper.

"Dana, don't worry about Fox.  He's a grown man and he can take
care of himself."

"But he's all alone.  He doesn't have any family or friends.  I'm
all he has -"

"Don't worry about him, Dana.  Its his own fault that he doesn't
have anyone else."

I hang my head, like I'm ten and being scolded for fighting with
Missy or sixteen and being lectured about breaking curfew.  "I
can't help it," I tell her, hoping she can hear the sincerity in
my voice.

"Dana, I know that you care about him very much, but you can't
live your life around him."

"I know," I say thickly, even though I really don't know.

"You have to remember everything that's happened to you because
of him.  Your abduction, your infertility, your cancer, Melissa's
death...what am I leaving out?"

"Emily," I say softly.

"Yes, Emily.  All of those things were Fox's fault.  I know he
didn't have any control over them, but indirectly, he was
responsible for them."  When I don't respond, she finishes.
"You've given enough of your life to him, Dana.  It's time that
you start living for yourself."

I want to tell her that I have been living for myself every since
I left medicine to work at the Bureau, but she has a point.  I've
been dedicated to my work, but for more important reasons than
just myself.  It was always Mulder that kept me in the basement
year after year, tragedy after tragedy.

"Do you understand, Dana?  I just want you to be happy and safe,
and I don't think that you can be with Fox.  You'll never be
completely safe, and you'll never have the kind of life that
Ethan can give you.  I love you.  I only want what's best for
you."

I sniff and my head pounds at my overflowing sinuses.  I wince
and weakly say, "I understand, Mom."

"I think that you made the right decision.  Ethan loves you, too,
and he only wants what's best for you just like I do."

I can argue with my mother.  I may not always win - she
frequently tells me that I'm being disrespectful or stubborn -
but I can always find a flaw in her logic or a loop hole in her
argument.  I can't argue with what she says next, though.

"Maybe God brought Ethan back to you to show you that it's time
to settle down, time to leave Fox and the FBI."

When we finally hang up, I'm more unsure than I was about my
decision.  And I'm more nervous than ever about telling Mulder.

<><><><><><>

Monday morning when I arrive at work, Mulder is already seated
behind his desk, drowning under stacks of new files, pictures,
and theories.  He raises his head slightly as I enter, but is too
engrossed in what he's looking at to look at me (thankfully) and
I slide behind my table-not-a-desk and start up my computer,
pushing my hair behind my ears, trying to act nonchalant.

All of Saturday night and Sunday morning, I planned how I would
tell him about the latest development in my and Ethan's
relationship.  I even had a dream about it: Ethan and I were
sitting on a plush, obviously expensive couch in a large,
brightly lit room in our house, sipping tea or coffee.  We're
laughing and smiling, and Ethan's touching my hands, my face and
hair.  When I look up, away from Ethan, I see a dim corner of the
room.  I get up to investigate and notice that the closer I get
to the corner, the colder I get.  Ethan calls me to come back and
when I ignore him, he gets up and grabs my wrist, trying to pull
me back to the couch, away from the darkness.  I twist my way out
of his grasp and approach the corner warily.  When I finally get
there, I can't see anything or anyone in the corner, so I drop to
my hands and knees, feeling blindly for something, anything.  I
find a small, cloth heart tucked in a plastic evidence bag,
sitting in the very corner of the darkness.  As I delicately pick
it up, turning it over in my hands, I feel a hand on my shoulder
and, turning around, I realize it is Mulder, not Ethan.  He says,
tears in his eyes, "You found her.  Scully, you found her for me!
You finally found her!"  He reaches for the bag and I pull it
away from him, hugging it to my chest.  A look of confusion and
intense pain flits across his face, then everything goes black.

I woke up.

Maybe Mulder has some sort of dream interpretation book he'll let
me borrow; these dreams keeping getting more and more strange.

My fingers clicking on the keyboard finally arouses Mulder's
attention.  He looks at me and nods, starts to speak, clears his
throat, then says, "Morning," before casting his eyes back
towards his mounds of paper and photographs.

"Morning," I repeat after he's not paying attention anymore.

At barely 9:03, the phone on Mulder's desk rings.  He stares at
it for a minute like he's forgotten what it is, then answers it
tonelessly.  A tense, "She'll be right there," later, and he
replaces the receiver, swiveling his chair towards me, a cocky
grin on his face.

"You're in the doghouse now, Scully.  Skinner wants you in his
office ASAP."

I blink at him and ask, "Just me?"

"Yup, just you.  Good luck, partner."

I open my mouth in confusion, the snap it shut again, feeling
suspiciously like a fish who's just realized there's no water on
land.  I get up, smooth my jacket over my skirt, then say, "I'll
be back," as I breeze out the office door and into the elevator.

When I walk into Skinner's outer office, Kimberly's standing at
the partially closed door.  She sees me and says, "The Assistant
Director is ready for you, Agent Scully," then steps away,
allowing me to enter.  The tight smile she gives me as I walk
past her isn't one of recrimination, it looks like one of pride.

Skinner's seated at his desk, talking merrily with another man,
someone I don't know, as I walk in.  Both men stand and Skinner
walks towards me, closing the door and guiding me towards the
stranger with a light hand on my back.

"Agent Scully, thank you for coming so quickly.  This is Doctor
Richard Clifton from Quantico.  Dr. Clifton - Dana Scully."

The man extends his hand towards me, smiling.  "Dr. Scully, it's
a pleasure to finally meet you," he says, sounding flustered.

I take his hand and shake briefly, then look back at Skinner,
silently asking if I should know this man.

"Agent, have a seat, please," Skinner says tersely, both he and
Dr. Clifton going back to theirs.

I sit down in my chair, the one that Mulder usually occupies when
we're in Skinner's office together, and primly cross my legs,
waiting for the punch line.

"Agent Scully," Skinner begins, "Were you aware of a serious car
accident this weekend in Roslyn?"

"No, sir.  Should I be?"

"Not necessarily, no.  But this particular car accident killed
Dr. David Kohl.  You do know who that is?"

"Yes, sir.  He was the Head Pathologist at Quantico."

Skinner glances at the man beside me and nods, allowing the man
to take over the conversation.

"Dr. Scully, I've been working on and off at Quantico for a
number of years, at times very closely with Dr. Kohl, and I know
that he was a big admirer of yours.  Of your medical expertise,
that is, and that he desperately wanted you back at Quantico."

"I didn't know that," I say, wondering where the hell this
conversation is going.

"Well, as you can figure, Quantico will need a new Head
Pathologist, and it's my belief that Dr. Kohl would want you to
have that position."

I stare at him for a minute, processing what he's just said to
me.  I'm being offered a job that will put me in charge of the
best medical investigative facility in the world because someone
was killed in a random car wreck - that can't be right.

He takes my silence as a bad sign and quickly adds, "Assistant
Director Skinner has informed me of your serious dedication to
your current position as a field agent - and I admire that - but
this is a very coveted position.  It's an honor to even be
considered for it, and we're basically giving you the job, if you
want it."

"I know that," I finally answer after finding my voice again.  "I
just...this is such a shock.  I had no idea Dr. Kohl thought so
highly of me."

"We very much hope that you'll take this position, Dr. Scully,"
he finishes, smiling proudly.

I nod absently, and Skinner stands, asking the man if he would
excuse us for a moment.  "Of course," the man says, rising and
walking into Skinner's outer office.

When he walks back to his desk, Skinner sits beside me, in the
chair the man just vacated, and turns towards me, removing his
glasses.

"He's right, you know.  This is a wonderful opportunity for you,
Agent Scully."

I nod - you don't have to tell me twice.

"And I did tell Dr. Clifton that he was probably wasting his
time, that you were very dedicated to the X-Files."

I nod again.

"Scully, off the record...Violent Crimes is begging for Mulder
back and it's getting harder and harder to put them off.  Since
this LaPierre case, you two haven't been doing much except
sitting in that office and I imagine that's Mulder's doing.  He
just doesn't seem...interested in anything anymore, and I can
tell that his heart's no longer in those files.  When you turn in
your budget at the end of this fiscal year, in all likelihood,
the Bureau will see that it's putting money in and not getting
anything out, and God knows they've been looking for excuses to
shut you down.  Are you following me, Agent?"

I look at my hands, neatly folded in my lap.  He's right:
Mulder's heart isn't in his work anymore and we hadn't been out
in the field much in the past few months, since Mulder found
Samantha.  If Skinner's noticed it, then all the wrong people
have noticed, too.  It was just a matter of time.

"I like to see my agents succeed, Scully, and with your
intelligence and your background, you could go so far - farther
than some banal job they'd put you in after the X-Files are shut
down.  I'm telling you all this because I want you to at least
think about accepting this job."  He replaces his glasses on his
nose, then adds, "It offers you more of a future than the Bureau
does."

I nod again, maintaining my silence, as Skinner gets up and lets
Dr. Clifton back in.  The men stand just inside the door, talking
softly, and Clifton asks perfunctorily, "So, Dr. Scully.  Can I
tell the Board you're considering our offer?"

I inhale deeply, slowly, then stand and smooth my skirt, walking
towards the men.  "Yes, I'll consider it.  Thank you, Dr.
Clifton."

"Thank you, Dr. Scully."

I look at Skinner, who opens the door and, actually smiling
slightly, says, "That'll be all, Agent."  I dip my head towards
my chest, then walk out of the office and hail the elevator.

I amble slowly down the dark, empty hallway that leads to our
office, thinking hazily about the first time I made this walk.  I
never thought this would turn into a career, or have the dramatic
impact of my life - every aspect of it - as it has.  Being forced
out of this job and into another one was one thing, but
voluntarily leaving it for another was completely different, and
I didn't know if I could do the latter.

When I approach the half-open door, I pause before pushing it
open, knowing that I'll have to tell Mulder about this,
momentarily forgetting the other important thing I had to tell
him.

When I finally manage to heave the door open, he looks up at me
and playfully asks, "So, forty lashes?  Thumb screws?  Water
torture?"

I shake my head and slowly walk up to his desk, sitting heavily
in the chair in front of him.

His grin fades and he asks me, playfulness gone, "What's up,
Scully?"

I become interested in my hands again, pushing back a cuticle
with a nail.  "Nothing bad," I answer vaguely.

"It looks bad."

I shake my head again.  "Did you know that the Head Pathologist
at Quantico was killed this weekend?"

"No, no I didn't.  Did you know him?"

"Not well."  I sigh and finally look up, but behind him.  "I
worked with him a few times, but I didn't know him personally."
Mulder nods, urging me to continue.  "They're offering me the
job,"  I say hurriedly.

He gapes, then asks, "As Head Pathologist?"

I nod, looking straight at him for the first time.

"What'd you say?"

I hesitate.  "That I'd have to think about it."

Mulder nods again, looking slightly dejected and confused.  I sit
up straighter in my chair and lean towards him over his desk.
"Mulder, Skinner says that they're trying to close us down."

"They're always trying to close us down, Scully."

"But this time they're serious.  Skinner says that we're over
budget and basically a waste of man-power."

"And?"  Mulder asks in annoyance.

"And...what are they gonna do with us then?  They'll send you
back to the VCS, but what about me?"

His eyes open a little wider and his brows creep towards his hair
line.

"I don't want to be in some mundane job - like background checks
again.  And I can't think of anything outside of this," I gesture
towards the stacks of files on his desk, "that holds any interest
for me."

He sits back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest
defiantly.

"Mulder...when I first got my job at Quantico, the only thing I
wanted was to be Head Path.  That was my dream, and I thought
that they were testing me by sending me here, to see how high I
would jump when they said to.  I never thought I'd make a career
out of this."

His jaw clenches, and I can tell I'm not doing this right.

"My point is that they're finally offering me this job.  You
know, they've never had a woman as Head Path.  And I'm pretty
sure I'd be the youngest, too.  This is a big honor, Mulder, and
if they weren't going to shut us down, I wouldn't even consider
it, but -"

"You don't know that they will!"  He explodes, leaping out of his
chair and pacing back and forth behind his desk.  "How do you
know that they're not offering you this job because they know
you'll take it and then they can shut us down?  How do you know
it's not a part of their plan?"

"And they just killed Dr. Kohl as part of that plan?  That's a
long way to go."  I'm trying to stay calm, hoping that it will
infect Mulder, but I'm apparently not contagious enough.

"They've gone further before, Scully."

"Mulder," I exhale an exaggerated breath.  "I'm not definitely
taking the position.  I told them I'd consider it, and I am, but
I thought I should tell you."

I sigh and admit defeat - there is no way in hell I will ever win
this argument, so I might as well save my breath.  When I just
sit silently, inspecting my nails again, Mulder stops his furious
pacing and looks at me, hands on his hips.  He takes a deep
breath and closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them and sits
down at his desk.  In an emotionless voice, he quietly says,
"There's been a report of people disappearing near Little Rock,
Arkansas.  Apparently, each of the missing had reported a dream
they'd had about being abducted to their families."  As he's
speaking, he picks up a file and throws it at the edge of his
desk, towards me, and it slides over the side and onto the floor,
spilling its contents at my feet.

I stare at the papers and photographs, not saying a word.

<><><><><><>

I've heard a lot of weird words and phrases come out of Mulder's
mouth in the past, but one that I've never gotten used to -
probably because I hear it so rarely - is "You were right,
Scully."  It takes me a moment to process what he's said and,
when I look up at him, I see defeat evidenced in his weary facial
expression, in the sag of his shoulders.

He replaces the phone receiver, then slowly stands, places his
hands on his hips, and paces over to my little table, not taking
his eyes off of the floor.

"What, Mulder?"  I ask softly.

"Tuesday, eight a.m.  You and me and OPC.  They're shutting us
down."

He brings his hands up to cover his face, scrubbing tiredly at
his eyes, bending slightly at the waist.

"So soon?"

"Apparently.  I asked them to hold off until we got back from
this case," he says, gesturing at the papers and photographs
littering the table-top in front of me.

"What'd they say?"

"They agreed.  I guess a couple more weeks doesn't make much
difference."  He slowly walks back to his desk, gazing at the
newspaper clippings and pictures attached to the wall behind it
before sitting down.

He leans his elbows on his knees, fisting his hands between them,
bowing his head.  He doesn't say anything more and neither do I,
at a loss for words.

I neatly put the papers back in their folder, closing it and
setting it to the side of my table, then turn my chair towards
his, looking at him while he refuses to look at me.

"Scully," he says suddenly, loudly, looking up and slightly above
me.  "Take that job at Quantico."

"What -"

"Take it and get out.  Get away from here.  Go get your dream job
and live your perfect life.  Don't let me drag you down anymore."

"Mulder -"

He's already out of his seat, tugging on his suit coat and headed
for the door.  I know that anything I say will go unanswered,
most likely unheard, so I silently watch him walk away, listening
as his footsteps fade down the hallway towards the elevator, out
of my life for a few hours, at the least.

<><><>End Part 2<><><>

Go feedback!  Lil_gusty@hotmail.com



Next Step (3/3)
Headers in Part 1

<><><><><><>

I know what he's doing.  He's pulling away, thinking that if he
detaches from me, it won't hurt him as much.  He initiates the
leaving so he can say he left, not that he was left.  I've done
the same thing.

When my cancer was methodically eating away at my body, and I was
so weak that, in order to vomit, I had to crawl on my hands and
knees to the toilet, when the headaches made me see red and black
spots before my eyes, when the restless hum of silence made my
sinuses throb, I did the same thing.  I pushed away the people
that cared for me - my mother, my brothers, my faith, my friends
- thinking that if I left them, if I pushed them away, if I hurt
them so deeply that they wouldn't come back, it would hurt them a
little less when I died.  If I made them angry, they wouldn't
miss me when I was gone.

And it didn't work.  Not on my mother, not on my brothers, not on
my faith, and most certainly not on Mulder.

I think he knew what I was doing - trying to spare him the pain
of losing me to a mindless disease by him losing me to myself -
and he wouldn't allow it.  He knew that if he didn't return one
day, that I would mope and sob and miss him.  And he would miss
me.  So he just never left.

One night, right before the end that I was sure was near, he came
back late at night.  I was trying to sleep.  I was exhausted, as
I always was, so much so that sleep was impossible.  And I had
one of my headaches.  The doctors had maxed out my pain
medication, and I had sent the gentle, cooing nurse away.  A cool
wash cloth on my forehead did nothing to ease the pain.

He came and, assuming I was asleep, knelt by my bed.  He touched
my arm, my hair, reverently, then put his face into my palm and
wept.  Soundlessly.  He was afraid of waking me.

I wanted to comfort him, to whisper to him how much I hurt
physically, how much I wanted to cry and someone to silently
absorb my tears like I was doing for him.  I wanted to share, but
Mulder took up all of his emotional space and most of mine -
there was no room for my pain to exist.

So I let him cry out his despair, his loneliness, his sadness,
while I suffered alone with mine.

After a few hours, he left, and I cried.  I cried because I was
selfish, because I couldn't even comfort my best friend when he
needed it, because I had wanted him, for once, to hold me while I
cried.

I was the one dying, after all.

Mulder has always had the ability to make everyone else's pain
and suffering seem inferior to his, like he owns stock and
property in the land of hurt and loss.  No matter what I was
feeling, why I was feeling it, he could always top me, make me
feel that I didn't deserve to acknowledge myself when he was so
much more forlorn than me.

When I was younger and depressed over something frivolous, I
would think 'what right do I have to be sad when I have so much,
when there are people in dire circumstances - starvation,
repression, sickness - who aren't.'  Those people always seem to
love life the most, those who realize its preciousness.  I envied
them.  And that would make my depression even deeper, knowing
that I envied strife.

But even when I was diseased, I didn't recognize the beauty of
life.  I was still trying to make life beautiful for Mulder,
ignoring my own ugliness.

I thought at one time that if my death could lead him closer to
his truth, to his sister, that it would be worth it.

But after so many lives sacrificed, what difference would mine
have made to him?

He thinks that the world owes him something for all of the pain
that he'd had to endure.  He wears his pain arrogantly and uses
it as an excuse to exempt him from life.

Despite all my weary trials, I couldn't bring him happiness or
beauty, and it drained those qualities from my life until there
was nothing left except emptiness and ugliness.

He's depended on me for comfort, for extra space for his pain
when he didn't have room enough in himself.  He comes to me in
the middle of the night, the middle of the day, and weeps.  I
hold him and whisper to him, and he leaves, no longer weeping.

Yet he's never stayed to see if I wept for him, for myself.  I've
always played the strong one because I had to - for him.  He's
come to depend on me for comfort and companionship through his
darkest nights and days, so much so that he's convinced himself
that he can't live without me, can't bear for me to live without
him.  It would hurt him too much, and where would that hurt go?

So he pushes me away, making me feel inferior and unneeded.
Making me want to leave him even more.

But it hurts me and it hurts him, which hurts me even more.

And I keep letting him push.

<><><><><><>

It would happen that the entire time we were in Little Rock, it
rained like Noah and the flood.  The rain was constant, sometimes
only drizzle, sometimes blinding torrents.  We didn't accomplish
much of anything while we were there and spent most of the eight
days in our hotel rooms going over police reports and conducting
interviews by phone.

Skinner was right. Mulder's heart just wasn't in it anymore.

As a child, I was never afraid of thunderstorms like Missy.  We
always shared a room and, on nights when thunder shook our tiny
house and lightening illuminated our room like sunlight, she
would climb into bed beside me, curl up to my back, and sleep
peacefully, knowing that she was somehow safer with me in my bed
than alone in hers.

Sometimes, though, seeing lightening now brings back fragmented
memories of events that I don't think I've actually lived.  They
seem like bits of a movie I saw long ago or perhaps read in a
novel and envisioned vividly in my mind.  Regardless, they come
to me, whether asleep or awake, when the darkness is shattered by
lightening and thunder rumbles, vibrating the ground.

My mother used to tell me that, when it rained, the angels were
doing their laundry, and when it thundered, God was bowling.  She
never had an explanation for the lightening, though.

In the fragments, the lightening is blue and flickers on and off
intermittently, not yellow and random like in reality.  I'm
laying on a table and there are white and blue patterns of light
on my forearms.  Sometimes, I see a pump attached to my stomach
and can almost feel the air being forced into my expanding belly.
Sometimes I see a drill, hear it softly whirring in the
background.

Lightening reminds me of these things, though I can't place their
origin.  They frighten me and, at 2:14 in the morning, with the
angels doing the laundry for all of Heaven and God bowling a
three-hundred game, I'm sweating, trembling, and huddled in the
corner of my motel room, clutching my gun in my hand and begging
Mulder to hear my soft whimpers through the thin, plaster walls.

When the rain slacks off so that the sound of it hitting the roof
isn't deafening, I slowly stand up, wavering as the movement
shocks my joints.  I still can't hear my feet as they stalk
quietly across the floor, nor does the door seem to make the
slightest creak as I open it into Mulder's room.

I feel childish, but I also feel exhausted.  I need sleep.  I
need safety.

He's asleep, laying on his left side, facing his bed-side table
and digital clock.  The covers are pushed down to his hips, a
concession to July's sticky humidity, exposing his bare chest,
colored golden by the sparse light streaming through a gap in the
drapes.  His chest softly, steadily rises and falls as he
breathes, soft snores oozing from between his lips, declaring him
fast, soundly, deeply asleep.

I tip-toe to the opposite side of the bed and pull back the
covers.  The lightening flashes and paints the room in white
light for a split second and I close my eyes, pushing back the
shards of memories that threaten to dance before my eyes again.

Slowly, gently, I lower myself onto the mattress, hugging the
empty side of the bed in a fetal ball, squeezing my eyes shut
tightly.  Despite the thick covers on top of me, I shiver at the
cold of the air conditioner and accidentally whimper aloud in
desperation.

Mulder stirs, adjusts his long legs under the sheet, then relaxes
again.

Another lightening flash, this one accompanied by another of
God's strikes, and I whimper again, louder, more desperate.

He doesn't stir this time.

I take a deep breath and don't exhale, moving one half of my body
at a time, turning towards his back.  When both halves are facing
the same direction again, I slowly scoot across the mattress
until I'm against his back.  Warm, heavy, soft, Mulderskin.

I tiredly rest my forehead against him, comforted in the steady
rise and fall, rise and fall of his back as he breathes.  I fold
my arms in front of my chest, then push them between me and him,
seeking more contact, more proof that I'm not alone.  I mold my
legs to his, and finally exhale, finally safe.

Lightening flashes again, but through my eye lids and under the
cover of Mulder, I barely see the eerie shadows it casts.  My eye
lids grow heavier and I sink deeper and deeper into sleep,
cradled against him until finally, I can no longer stay afloat
and drown in softness, safety, warmth, Mulder.

<><><><><><>

"Scully?" washes over me as a whisper and I murmur an
unintelligible response, still below the waves of consciousness.

My cocoon shifts, then a strong, heavy arm drapes around my
shoulders, pulling me closer.  I mumble something else, and sigh
as I adjust and get comfortable again.

Fingers stroking my hair, then another soft "Scully" right above
my ear and I slowly open my eyes, seeing nothing around me except
darkness.

"You okay?"

I close my eyes and finally manage an understandable grunt in the
affirmative.

"What are you doing in here?" he whispers, still stroking my
hair, still holding me tightly against him.

I say nothing, feigning sleep, tightly cradled against his chest.

"Lonely?" he asks teasingly.

"Lightening..." I sigh against his shoulder.

His forehead dips and rests against mine, his lips touching my
eyelids softly.  "Bad dreams?"  His voice more serious.

I shake my head slightly, feeling sleep tug at me once again.

"What about the lightening, then?  I didn't know you were afraid
of thunderstorms."

"Not," I weakly manage.

His forehead shifts on mine; he's nodding, not believing, but not
probing either.

"Then what?  It's not every night I awake to find a little
furnace with ice-cold feet pressed against my back."  I feel him
smile above me, and I rise through a few more layers of black,
back to consciousness.

"Bad dreams," I finally, reluctantly confirm.

His head raises and his warm lips touch the skin between my eyes
brows, holding their position for long seconds before releasing.

"Tell my about your dreams, Scully," he pleads so softly, I
wonder if I heard it at all.

"Mulder...I'm fine now."  Another slash of lightening illuminates
the room and my once opened eyes slam shut, squeezing tightly, my
face aching with effort.  I dip my head lower, towards the center
of his chest, blocking out the light.

"You're not fine, Scully."

I shake my head vehemently as the lightening fades.  I didn't
come here to talk about these things.

"Why won't you talk to me?" he whispers, pain lacing his voice.

"Blue lightening...drill...pump in my stomach..." I say louder
than is necessary, slight anger touching my words.  My breath
hitches and I stop, admitting defeat to these fragmented
memories, then feel his lips on my cheek, just under my eye.

"From your abduction?"

I sniff and burrow further into his chest, his arm tightening
around me, his legs locking around my own.

"What else?"

I shake my head again and turn my head into the pillow.  A tear
escapes my eye and trickles slowly down my cheek, stopped by
Mulder's soft, warm tongue, kissed away by his lips.

"I'm so sorry, Scully," he says softly against my skin and I turn
my eyes towards his, opening them again, staring at his in the
darkness.

"You think a story would help you sleep?"  I close my eyes and
smile slightly.  "They always helped Samantha."

"Okay," I sigh as his arms tighten around me again, both of us
getting comfortable.

"While you were missing, your mother had me go with her to pick
up your tombstone.  She insisted I go, even though I told her I
didn't want to.  She was ready to give up on you, and I told her
it was too soon, that we had to keep looking, and she told me a
story."  Another gentle kiss against my tear tracked cheek.
"About when your brothers were teaching you to shoot a BB gun,
and Bill found a snake and you were all shooting at it.  Then the
snake started to bleed and you went and picked it up and held it
as it died.  You remember?"

I nod, my head buzzing from sleep and Mulder's lips.

"Your mother said that you kept saying that you had taken
something that wasn't yours to take - you weren't supposed to
kill that snake.  Then your mother looked at me so hard, so
hatefully, and said that she knew how that felt, to have
something taken from her by someone that wasn't supposed to take
it.  She was talking about me, Scully.  I took you away from her
and she hated me for it.  I hated myself for it."

I sigh heavily.  No matter how many times I tell him this, he
never seems to believe it.  "Mulder, my disappearance was not
your fault.  You couldn't have known that Duane Barry would come
after me and that chip.  It wasn't your fault."

He slowly shakes his head from side to side as I speak.  "I
should have run you off years ago, Scully.  After that first
case, I should have made you leave, forced you go back to
Quantico."

"You couldn't have forced me to do anything, Mulder."

"And now you're afraid of lightening because of what They did to
you because of me.  You could've died a thousand times over
because of me Scully, and you never would've known..."  He kisses
me again and again, breathing ragged - cheeks, eyes, forehead,
chin, temple, neck, anywhere he can reach.

"Known what?"  I quietly ask.

He ignores it.  "At least then I could look for you.  I knew you
wanted to be found.  I thought I could rescue you and keep you
safe after that.  I could do something about it."

More kisses, harder, more insistent.  Closer to my lips.

"Mulder -"

He's not talking to me now.  He's talking and I just happen to be
in the room, in bed with him, held tightly against him.  "I can't
rescue you now, Scully.  You don't want to be rescued.  If I lose
you this time, if you marry Ethan...Scully, what will I do?  I
can't look for you, go crazy trying to find you.  I can't do
anything about it, Scully...what will I do?"

The hollow of my throat is bathed with his tongue, then he raises
his head, looks me in my eyes, and softly whispers, "You can't
leave me, Scully.  I can't let you.  I can't lose you again."

I open my mouth, protest ready, when his lips suddenly cover
mine, hard but yielding, demanding but gentle.  His tongue pushes
against mine, teasing, tasting, testing.  His hand moves to cup
my head, threading his long fingers through my hair, crushing my
mouth against his.

My hands, held loosely in front of me, come up against his chest
meaning to push him away, but only pull him closer, snaking
around his shoulders and into his short, soft hair.  His legs
shift and then I'm under him and he's everywhere, kissing me,
touching me, and I can't breathe.

I pull my mouth away from his, turning my head to the side, the
stifled protest from before still on the tip of my dazzled
tongue, when his mouth slides down my throat and latches on to my
pulse, beating quickly, heavily against my skin.

Hands on my waist, now, pulling my hips closer to his.  I moan
unconsciously and another bolt of lightening crashes as God makes
another strike.

My moan causes Mulder to become more desperate and, through the
four layers of material separating us, I feel his erection
pressed firmly, rubbing, against my thigh.

He must've had a dream, too, about me being abducted again.  He
must be afraid of the lightening, too.  He's starved for contact
with me - he needs to know that I'm here, that I'm real, that I'm
alive.  And he'll go as far as I let him for that contact.

His mouth slides over my chin and back to my lips, bruising my
mouth as his attaches to it.  His tongue and his arousal are
making me just as desperate as he is and, for a second, as his
tongue twines around mine, I wonder what would happen if I let
him go as far as he wanted for one night.

Then I abruptly tear my lips away from his, turning my head
towards the window as another flash of lightening strikes.  I
don't cower this time or shut my eyes - I'm no longer afraid of
the storm outside.  It's the storm inside that scares me now.

His lips are back at my neck now, sucking at my pulse, causing my
arousal to become unbearable.  "Mulder," I pant hoarsely.  His
hands, which had been braced on the mattress forming a cage
around me, find their way to my waist again and slide under my
pajama top.  He quietly moans as his hands touch the skin of my
back, then creep towards my shoulders, still pinning me against
him.  "Mulder," I try again, desperate for his attention.

"He asked me, Mulder...he asked me to marry him..."  I finally
get out in a huff of breaths and moans.

His lips pause above the top button of my pajama top and his head
raises, his eyes searching for mine in the darkness.

"I said yes, Mulder.  I'm getting married.  We're getting
married."

He's still and silent for a moment, then he catapults himself up
my body until his face is mi