A bouquet of roses and lots of thanks to Solo and SHaron for all their help scanning and proofing these classic stories of Constance Collins! This story originally appeared in the zine The Fix no. 15 which can still be obtained from In Person Press.
Comments about this story can be sent to: VenicePlaceAngel@aol.com
I can't sleep. I've tried pacing and eating and drinking and watching TV, and now I've got an upset stomach and a headache.
When he got shot, I just kind of numbed out; it didn't seem real. But watching him collapse after he ran to my rescue when I was fighting with that kid, that was real, maybe because I couldn't get to him.
But he's gonna be okay. That's what the doctors say, and I believe them, but my heart's still not so sure.
I dunno why I freeze up when something happens to H -- it's always been like that, and I just don't seem to be able to get over it... I tried to talk to the cop shrink about it one time, but all the guy wanted to do was talk about my childhood. Talk about dumb! I didn't even know H when I was a kid. Oh, well, that's shrinks for you. I could never see how they did a person any good anyhow .
I remember my pop saying one time that finding out what caused the problem wasn't the same as solving it. I wonder if the shrinks know that? And anyhow, I had a terrific childhood, right up to the end.
God, you know, that never seems to go away, or even subside; that day my uncle Maxy came in and told us Pop was dead coulda been his morning.
It wasn't real unexpected -- Joey Durniak'd been saying for months that Pop was gonna get himself killed if he didn't watch out, but Pop... well, Pop was Pop, and he just couldn't knuckle under and pay those guys protection money, no matter what the consequences might be. Things were different when Joey ran the neighborhood; Pop even called him a crook right to his face and threw him outta the store, but nobody ever expected anything different. Pop may've loved Joey, but there was no way in hell he'd let anybody shake him down for protection money. An' nobody expected Joey to do anything to Pop, because the feeling was mutual. There was no matter of honor involved -- there wasn't any honor standing between them, they loved each other. Joey did what he did, Pop did what he did, and that was that.
Joey tried, not just talking to Pop but to the guys in charge. But since they'd been on Joey's back about it for a long time, there was nothing he could do .
I didn't know any of this at the time -- I mean, I was a kid. When Joey said they'd kill Pop I didn't think he meant it literally -- it was just one of those things you say, like, if Ma finds out, she'll kill you. So even when I heard it, I didn't take it seriously, I didn't worry. All I knew was that suddenly my folks were fighting all the time, Ma was mad at him and he kept bringing her stuff -- flowers, strawberry ice cream, and once a gold locket. She told him she'd put his picture in it, and then when he was gone she'd have something to remember him by. It scared me -- I didn't know what was going on, I only got bits and pieces of their conversations, and I couldn't understand why she was acting like -- well, like such a bitch. (I can't believe I wrote that. Pop would knock me senseless if he ever heard me say something like that about Ma, but it's the truth and I think he'd admit it.)
I never knew it before now, but that's what scared me the most, my mother acting so different . I thought she was going to leave or something . He was being so nice to her and she was always either screaming at him and crying or giving him the cold shoulder. It didn't make any sense to me at all.
And then she told Nicky and me we couldn't go to the shop anymore. It was like we were being punished for something, but she wouldn't tell us what. Nicky whined a lot, but I got mad and gave her the silent treatment. I went to Pop, but he backed her up, though he didn't seem too happy about it. I think Ma was using us to get Pop to change his mind.
I wish it had worked.
Anyway, finally one day I ditched Nick and went to the store. Pop seemed kinda edgy, but he didn't send me home. I was in the back with Uncle Maxy when they came in. I heard the fight, and I wanted to go out, but Maxy wouldn't let me. Then the shots -- 2 of 'em, but the echoes made it seem like a million . Maxy shoved me out the backdoor and locked it behind me -- I pounded and yelled and finally I thought of running around to the front. There was a big crowd when I got there, Mrs. Pavelich grabbed me and held on like a doberman -- I wouldn't've believed a little old lady like her could hold on so tight, but I never got near the door. Eventually the ambulance came and the cops showed up and an officer took me home. I can still remember him so clear, a young Italian guy, Mike Eruzione.
Uncle Maxy went to the hospital with Pop, but there wasn't any point -- he was DOA.
All the family came, of course. The house was full of people for days, till finally Ma just went nuts. She threw a jello mold at Aunt Sadie and yelled that if she heard one more person say what a great guy Mike Starsky was, she'd kill them with her bare hands, that he wasn't a hero, he was a putz, a dead putz. Then she kicked everyone out and locked herself in her room.
A month later when the insurance check came in she bought a car -- a flamingo Studebaker -- packed up our stuff and we headed for California. Ma said if she had to listen to Pop's family lionize him anymore, she'd lose her mind. She taught me how to drive out west on Route 66. We stayed with Aunt Rosie and Uncle Leo. That's where I met John and Maggie Blaine; that's where my life started over again.
Ma and Nicky stayed for almost 2 years. I guess she missed the family back home, because she took Nicky and went back, but she left me here. I was in high school, doing okay; I had my driver's license and a girl friend, I didn't need my mother so much anymore...
It hurt when she left. But I was okay. I loved LA and I wanted to be a cop and ...
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H called from the hospital; they were releasing him and I had to go get him. I've got him tucked in my bed where I can keep an eye on him.
end