This story first appeared in "Blue Eyes and Blue Jeans" published by the Idiot Triplets Press in 1995. This zine is still in print and can be obtained by contacting: LCabrillo@aol.com. Thanks go to Belladonna for typing and SHaron for proof-reading.  Comments about this story can be sent to: VenicePlaceAngel@aol.com

Starsky and Hutchinson Are Dead
by
Constance Collins

Cast:
Starsky
Hutchinson
Capt. Dobey
Vanessa Hutchinson
Nicky Starsky
Police Commissioner

Props:
Two guns
Table
Three chairs
Coffee mug
Half a candy bar
Sheaf of papers
Red and white checked tablecloth
Cap gun (for off-stage shots)
Telephone
Pen
Two badges and I.D. Folders
Rope
Gag
Two plane tickers
Pinwheel
And a beach. I don't care how you get it, but i need a beach.

Act One: COMMITTED

Scene 1

(The stage is empty, except for a table with papers on it, and two chairs. Starsky and Hutch each sit in one, across from each other as if they are sharing a desk. They both wear leather jackets, shoulder holsters and guns, and jeans [all other clothing should be characteristic of each man].)

(Starsky tosses a coin in the air, catches it - there is no coin.)

S: Call it.
H: Tails.

(Starsky looks at coin - there is no coin.)

S: You get the coffee.

(Hutch rises, picks up the cup, exits, returns with cup.)

H: Okay, what's the assignment?
S: (picks up a piece of paper, reads from it): One of us hasta get kidnapped and addicted to heroin. (Again Starsky flips the non-existent coin.) Heads or tails?
H: Tails.
S: (looks): You lose.
H: (nods): What're you gonna be doing?
S: You know, the usual: talkin' to Huggy, trackin' down leads, saving you in the nick of time.
H: Okay. See you.

(Hutch stands. They clasp hands, look meaningfully into each other's eyes, then Hutch exits. Starsky watches him go.)

D: (comes out of office): Hutchinson, where's your partner?
S: He's not here cap'n. He's on a case.
D: What case? I didn't assign you two to anything.
S: He's with a girl.
D: Well, you go find him and bring him in here; I've got something for you.

(Starsky stands and exits.)

Scene 2

(Hutch is slumped against a wall, disheveled, jacket gone. Starsky enters, looks panic-stricken. He is also not wearing his jacket. Catches sight of Hutch, goes to him, kneels down to hold him. Hutch puts his arms around Starsky, shaking.)

S: Babe, are you okay?
H: Starsk. They strung me out on heroin and beat me up.
S: Hey, it's okay, I'm here. You want a candy bar? (digs half a candy bar out of his pocket) well, I ate some of it, but you can have the rest.
H: No, thanks.
S: Dobey wants to see us. You up to it?
H: Yeah, sure.

(Starsky helps Hutch to his feet and they exit.)

Scene 3

(Starsky and Hutch are again sitting at their desks, going through papers.)

H: You hungry?
S: Yeah. Where you wanna go?
H: Doesn't matter to me.
S: Italian?
H: Sure, why not?
S: Flip for who gets shot?
H: Sure.

(Hutch takes a non-existent coin out of his pocket, tosses it into the air, catches it, holds it on the back of his hand.)

H: Call it.
S: Tails.

(Hutch looks.)

H: Heads.
S: (sighing): Okay, what'll you be doing?
H: Looking after you, worrying about you . . . you know, the usual.

(They stand, clasp hands, look meaningfully into each other's eyes, then exit.)

Scene 4

(Starsky sits on the floor, a red and white checked table cloth wrapped around his arm like a sling, sounds of shots come from off-stage, then Hutch enters, kneels next to him, holds him.)

H: How ya feeling?
S: Not so good. Starsky, did somebody shoot me?
H: I'm Hutch; you're Starsky.
S: Oh. Right. Hutch, did somebody shoot me?
H: Yeah, babe, somebody shot you.
S: Where?
H: In the shoulder.
S: That's not so bad. Right? Did you get the bad guys?
H: Yeah, I got 'em.
S: (closes his eyes, leans his head against Hutch's shoulder) Can you get me outta here? 'Cause I don't feel so good . . .

(they continue clinging to each other)

(end of act 1)

Act Two: HALF-US

Scene 1

(Starsky and Hutch are again sitting at their desks. Phone rings.)

S: (picks up receiver): Hutchinson. (Hutch touches his arm, shakes his head.) Uh . . . Starsky here. (listens, making notes) Uh-huh, nine o'clock. Yeah, I'll be there. (hangs up)
H: Who was it?
S: My ex-wife. She wants to meet you at the Pits at nine o'clock.
H: She wants to meet me?
S: Me, she wants to meet me, at the Pits, at nine o'clock. (shrugs) One of us.
H: Wanna flip for it? (Starsky nods. Hutch takes out a non-existent coin, flips it in the air, catches it, looks at it.) Tails? (Starsky nods. Hutch looks at the non-coin.) You go.

(Starsky nods. They go back to their paperwork.)

S: Hutch? (Hutch, busy with papers on the desk, does not respond) Starsky? (Hutch looks up puzzled.)
H: Were you talking to me?
S: Yeah, I . . .

(He stops, puzzled. They look at each other for a long moment, then without a word Starsky stands, walks around to Hutch's side of the table. They take out their badges and I.D.s, compare them, then exchange them.)

S: I'll call you in the morning.
H: Take care of yourself.
S: Right.

(They clasp hands, look meaningfully into each others' eyes, then Starsky exits, Hutch watching him.)

H: God, he's got a beautiful ass.

(Phone rings. Hutch picks it up.)

H: Starsky. (listens) Uh-huh, I'll pick you up at the airport in a half an hour. 'Bye. (takes pen from pocket, writes a note for Starsky, reading it aloud as he does so): "Hutch, my brother called. He's here in town, I've gone to the airport to pick him up. Starsk." (puts note down, picks it up, looks at it) I don't know what it is, but that just doesn't sound right. (He puts the note back down, exits.)

Scene 2

(split-screen effect - on one half of the stage Starsky is crouched down, examining Vanessa's dead body in front of him. On the other, Hutch is standing in front of Nicky, who is gagged and tied to a chair. Both of them look quite distraught.)

Scene 3

(Dobey's office - the table is Dobey's desk, two chairs on one side, and one for Dobey behind the desk. Dobey sits at his desk, the police commissioner stands next to him. Starsky and Hutch enter.)

D: Commissioner, these are my two best detectives, Starsky and Hutchinson.
C: (holding his hand out to Hutch): Detective Hutchinson.
H: (as they shake hands): I'm Starsky, he's Hutch.
C: (holding his hand out to Starsky): Detective Hutchinson.
S: (as they shake hands): I'm Starsky, he's Hutch.

(They sit down. Starsky props his feet on the desk.)

C: This week you two are going undercover on an island owned by a rich old man in a wheelchair. You'll be shot at, have voodoo spells put on you, and you'll find dead animals hanging outside your window.
D: Here are your plane tickets.

(Starsky and Hutch take their tickets, leave Dobey's office.)

Scene 4

(Starsky and Hutch stagger back to their desks, arms around each other for support. They take their seats, lean exhaustedly against the desk.)

S: Alligators. I don't remember anybody mentioning alligators when they told us about this assignment . . .
H: Or you throwing me off a cliff.
S: Yeah, they told us about that, that was part of the voodoo.
H: They could've told me you were going to try to kill me.
S: (shrugs, holds his hand out across the desk): You lost the toss and I said I was sorry.
H: (takes his hand): I know. It's okay.

(End of act 2)

Act Three: NO ANSWERS

Scene 1

(Hutch stands on the beach, holding a pinwheel. Starsky enters, coming up behind him. He puts his arm around Hutch's shoulder.)

S: Whatcha doin', Starsk?
H: Hutch.
S: Hutch. Whatcha doin'?
H: Starsk, I just don't think I can go on like this. I've been shot, I've been poisoned . . .
S: I was poisoned; you had botulism, and some plague with no name.
H: Well, whatever it was, I was sick. I've been stabbed, I've had my apartment ransacked, my girl friends beaten up or killed, I had amnesia . . .
S: You were faking.
H: People have tried to set me on fire . . .
S: When was that?
H: In the barn, remember? You got shot in the leg?
S: Oh, right.
H: My car's been blown up, I've been trapped under my car . . . I just don't think i can take any more.
S: What're you complaining about? I've been shot how many times? Three? Four? And had my car blown up, and two girlfriends killed, and my ex-wife . . .
H: She was my ex-wife.
S: Oh yeah. Well, I found out my brother's a crook, and I was attacked by a snake in a refrigerator, and kidnapped by weirdos, and I've been sea-sick . . .
H: When were you sea-sick?
S: Murder At Sea, during the commercials. And every time I turn around someone's dragging me off to the old zoo to try to kill me.
H: You're right, Starsk.
S: Hutch.
H: Hutch. No, I'm Hutch. Anyway, you see I'm right, this is no way to live . . .
S: Assuming they let us live.
H: Right. Not to mention having to pretend we're more interested in the women around us then we are in each other.
S: Yeah, so what've you got in mind?
H: (takes his badge from his pocket): Throwing my badge into the ocean.
S: Why would you wanna do that?
H: I'm gonna quit being a cop.
S: (sighs): Then I'll have to quit too. We've been partners for seven years, and you're the best partner I've ever had. Besides, we look so good together.
H: (nods): I guess you'll have to throw your badge away too.
S: But then what'll we do? Starsky, the only thing we're good at is being cops . . .
H: Hutch. I'm Hutch.
S: Whatever. Without out badges we're just a couple of sexy jerks. We're not qualified to be anything but TV cops.
H: That's a good point. (Hutch looks at Starsky meaningfully.) There's only one other course of action.
S: (doesn't like this one bit): Couldn't we just go to a movie, or something?
H: Hutch!
S: You know you'll feel better after a good night's sleep.
H: Starsky! By morning who knows what could have happened to us . . . someone could have left a bomb under our bed, or be waiting to amputate my legs, because we once gave them a parking ticket, or asked them to move along! This is no way to live!

(Resigned, Starsky gets his badge, looks at badge and I.D., nudges Hutch. Hutch looks at his badge and I.D. They look at each other, exchange badges. Then they drop their badges onto the sand, then, hand-in-hand, they walk into the ocean.

The end