How does a discussion list develop a mythology? Well, it started with Flamingo telling everyone new member they had a virtual apartment in VenicePlace, and that every apartment had the perfect view of the boys when they came home from work and evolved from there. Neighbors would refer to having long thread discussions through the "windows" of their apartments. Diana dbost1 somehow became the Head of Security and installed special security cameras all over the place (with Starsky's complicity and Hutch's ignorance, since Starsky believes that every moment of their lives should be recorded) so that tenants could tune into their own special cable channel (channel 69 naturally) and watch everything the boys were doing. While the listmom was away for a short while a group got together, decided the building needed a BAND and installed a lobby (???) so they could practice in it. Unfortunatly for Flamingo, the only tunes they play are ones she hates. Any neighbor can join the band just by announcing what their virtual instrument is. (See Meet the Neighbors.) There are always a lot of kazoo players. Anyway, that's how a mythology starts. The mythology is covered in numerous jokes in the Library. The following letter exchange gives an idea how these things gallop off on legs of their own. It's all for fun.

Subject: [VP] RE; BAND PRACTICE REPORT
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999
From: CrowRow

Well, it's good to see the band up and playing again.

I was really impressed by our blond detective's solo at last night's practice. That comedy act he initiated mid-song was priceless. I think we should incorporate it into every night's performance. Just the sight of that big blond blintz leaping backwards to avoid the snapping guitar string, tripping over my harp, then knocking Diana into Starsk'y lap was enough to hospitalize most of us from laughing. John Cleese couldn't have handed it better. And Glo IRa out-did herself with that shrill whistle blowing. Our accordion player was so flummoxed to find herself knocked into Hutch that she got him stuck in the folds of her instrument. I still don't understand why Starsky became so upset with our accordion player. I believed her when she said that she was only trying to disconnect Hutch from her instrument when she grabbed hold of him in a strategic place. Luckily, our intrepid band-master was able to whip us all into submission with her pretty purple dildo, err... baton. Either that or we were all too stunned from her ceaseless whistle blowing to object. Anybody out there want to try a midnight raid to get the whistle from our power mad leader? I know where she keeps the damn thing and have an agent under deep cover staying in her house.

How bout it, Skippy? You and Rambo Jim Head #6 want to go for broke?

Contact me through the usual means, and use the code this time. The band-master's getting suspicious. LOL

Love to all,
Ro

Subject: Re: [VP] RE; BAND PRACTICE REPORT
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 23:48:46 -0500
From: mzelaine

Ro reported.....

>better. And Glo IRa out-did herself with that shrill whistle blowing. Our
>accordion player was so flummoxed to find herself knocked into Hutch that she
>got him stuck in the folds of her instrument. I still don't understand why
>Starsky became so upset with our accordion player. I believed her when she
>said that she was only trying to disconnect Hutch from her instrument when
>she grabbed hold of him in a strategic place.

sob, sniff, whimper

I just want to know who was playing that accordion!!! I, mzelaine, the original accordion player in this group, was unable to be at the con. I can't stand the thought that somebody might have usurped my place! I'da been there if I coulda! Please tell me it was somebody playing one of those stupid silly little concertina's, and not a real accordion player!!! I mean, any clown can play a concertina, but it takes real talent to play an accordion!

elaine (...devastated at the thought that she's been replaced...)

Subject: [VP] RE: BAND PRACTICE REPORT
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999
From: dbost1

(insert Mission Impossible theme here)

(Ro, witness of Hutch's newest amazing feat of klutziness, said...)
>Well, it's good to see the band up and playing again.

You said it sister - the hills are alive with the sound of...that %@&#& whistle! Yowl! Hey, if anyone's gonna be a whistle blower 'round here, it's gonna be VP Security. This is gotta stop. The RJH's are zonin' big time.

(Ro's assignment, should I accept...)
>Anybody out there want to try a
>midnight raid to get the whistle from our power mad leader? I know where she
>keeps the damn thing and have an agent under deep cover staying in her house.
>How bout it, Skippy? You and Rambo Jim Head #6 want to go for broke?

In the wee hours of the morning is better than midnight - Glo may be an early to bed type, but take it from me, Ira can keep on going all night long! RJH#6 is very intent on dispatching the whistle in question - he is, ummm, shall we say, less than fond of loud shrill noises.

>Contact me through the usual means, and use the code this time. The
>band-master's getting suspicious. LOL

I'm down with that, sister. Let's rock!

Skippy
Evil Twin to...
Diana
Starsky's Lapsitter and Head of VP Security

Subject: RE: [VP] Starsky & Hutch discuss theology
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999
From: dbost1

Memo from VP Security:

So Skippy comes in this morning with one of those kinda grins on her face, and when I tried to find out just how much trouble she's been causing, she throws me a curve...

"Don't worry about me, Sis," she says, "Worry about yourself. People around here are taking advantage of your self-imposed, the-semester's-over-in-two-weeks exile. Big time. Even Flamingo and Mel are in on it. You best get off your butt and catch up on your email."

Well, seeing as how the Great Bird of the Building is involved I figured I needed to check this out.

(Flamingo spins a yarn:)
>>>>> {Starsky says} Like that incredible solo you played last night with the band? That was somethin' else...at least it was until that guitar string broke and nearly cut your nose off. Really threw our interpretive dancer off her stride. When all 6 feet of her got tangled up in her own butterfly wings, and the accordion player laughed so hard I thought she was gonna catch one of her...um...mammaries in the squeeze box, and then when Glo-Ira started blowin' that damned whistle Flamingo gave her-- <<<<<

I'll have you know that Glo-Ira commented later that my ad-lib to the "Dance of the Bell-Bottom Partridge" (you know, the one that goes with the chorus to "Mandy I think I love you") was quite impressive. She especially liked the landing. All 6 ft of me tangled up in Starsky's lap might have to become a permanent part of the routine. Ah, the sacrifices I make for my art.

(Ok, so back to Flamingo's tale:)
>>>>> "Well, as one of the two detectives in the place maybe I should talk to the Head Of Security and check the situation out."
Hutch pointed a warning finger at him. "I have a very strong suspicion that you and HOS get into more than enough trouble around here. It makes me nervous when you two conspire together. Stay off the roof!"
Starsky smirked. "Don't call her HOS!" <<<<<

I'll have you know that Starsky makes a very good deputy, and that unlike some people I could mention (you readin' this, Marcia?) he is very sensitive to the big girl syndrome that I suffer from and NEVER calls me HOS. (or Lurch, or Bigfoot, or Lumbering Oaf, for that matter)

>>>>> (Flamingo spreads rumors about the angel know as Mel)
Starsky smiled, remembering the little mound of chocolate kisses he'd
found near his coffee cup this morning. Right near a set of tell-tale
tire marks and a few strands of Yorkie fur.<<<<<

Mel, as your virtual attorney, I strongly advise you not to comment on these allegations.

Ooops! Too late...

>>>>> (Mel had a few words to say in her defense)
This wasn't me and Emily, I swear! Do we look like the type that would do that? We weren't even there! We were on vacation. My alarm didn't go off. I had a flat tire. It was an accident. The dog ate my homework.... Oops, sorry, I got carried away. <<<<<

Um, my client pleads not guilty. <grumble> Mel, keep quiet would ya? I had the situation under control.

Ahem, yes, where were we? You see, there was a glitch in the security systems right around that time - a ripple in the space-time continuum most likely - and it's impossible to determine who left those highly addictive tasty tidbits next to Starsky's cup.

So, that should about cover it. Remember, VP's Head of Security in on call, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week for Hutch's, um I mean, your personal protection.

Diana
BTW, You moon-ladies need to see me for security clearance before you go traipsing off to play on the roof. (read: Damn! Naked Dancing?! And I don't even have cameras up there...)

Subject: [VP] The case of Mel vs The State of VP California....
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999
From:SandyR

In a message dated 4/16/99 8:31:53 AM EST, dbost1 writes:
> >>>>> (Flamingo spreads rumors about the angel know as Mel)
> Starsky smiled, remembering the little mound of chocolate kisses he'd
> found near his coffee cup this morning. Right near a set of tell-tale
> tire marks and a few strands of Yorkie fur.<<<<<
> Mel, as your virtual attorney, I strongly advise you not to comment on
> these allegations.
> Ooops! Too late...

> >>>>> (Mel had a few words to say in her defense)
> This wasn't me and Emily, I swear! Do we look like the type that
> would do that? We weren't even there! We were on vacation. My
> alarm didn't go off. I had a flat tire. It was an accident. The
> dog ate my homework.... Oops, sorry, I got carried away. <<<<<

> Um, my client pleads not guilty. <grumble> Mel, keep quiet would ya? I
> had the situation under control.

Your Honor, I'd like to cross examine this witness. Thank you.

Now, Ms. Mel...That is your real name, isn't it?

Isn't true that you were seen leaving the apartment of one 'Ken Hutchinson and David M. Starsky on or about the morning of the 15th of April?

Isn't also true that you left a trail of Hersey's Kisses a mile wide in your wake?!

Then how do you explain the evidence of your chocolate covered fingerprints all over the persons of 'K. Hutchinson and D.M. Starsky'?! And what about the dog hairs, hmmm?! Isn't it true that you dragged that innocent little dog of yours into your life of crime?!!! LIAR!!!

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Your witness, Diane.

SandyR

Subject: RE: [VP] The case of Mel vs The State of VP California....
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999
From: Mel

Wait a minute! I can explain everything!

> Isn't true that you were seen leaving the apartment of one 'Ken Hutchinson
> and David M. Starsky on or about the morning of the 15th of April?
<and>
> Isn't it true that you dragged that innocent little dog of yours into
> your life of crime?!!!

Emily, who has been taking Guard Dog lessons from Dief, told me that she thought someone had broken into the guys' apartment!

And, since our esteemed Security Guard was up on the roof installing video cameras and other security items, and had left her Pass Key with me, In Case of Emergencies, and, since I have the Rayl Detective Agency as a sideline - Motto: No One Tails Like a Rayl - I decided that we should investigate. I wouldn't want just anyone breaking into the boys' place, you know.

And, sure enough, someone had broken and entered! There was chocolate all over! Sick, sick, sick. So, being the thoughtful and considerate person I am, I decided I should tidy up. Of course, since I couldn't carry all that loot, er, I mean, deviant items out with me, I had to eat a lot of it, getting it all over my own clean, innocent hands! What a sacrifice! But a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do...

> Isn't also true that you left a trail of Hersey's Kisses a mile wide
> in your wake?!

Only the stuff I couldn't eat!

>Then how do you explain the evidence of your chocolate covered fingerprints >all over the persons of 'K. Hutchinson and D.M. Starsky'?!

Well, they did get a little close to me while I was exiting the apartment...

That's their fault. They should have more respect for the handicapped.

At least I didn't run over their feet.

> And what about the dog hairs, hmmm?!

Emily was just doing her duty, sniffing around for evidence, looking for lurkers, making sure that the guys hadn't dropped any crumbs in the kitchen, popcorn in the living room, or bacon grease in the bedroom...

I think that if Ms. Randant is looking for the true culprit in this affair she should ask the Security Guard to check out the Chocolate Fiends in the building. Hmm, now that I'm thinking about it, do we have anybody living here who isn't a Chocolate Fiend?

Innocent Until Proven Guilty,

Mel and Em

Subject: [VP] Re: BAND PRACTICE REPORT
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999
From: mzelaine

><< Ro reported.....
> >better. And Glo IRa out-did herself with that shrill whistle blowing.
>Our accordion player was so flummoxed to find herself knocked into Hutch that
> she got him stuck in the folds of her instrument.

>To which Elaine sobbed:
> sob, sniff, whimper I just want to know who was playing that
> accordion!!! I, mzelaine, the original accordion player in this group, was
> unable to be at the con. (snip)

And then our glorious (not to mention talented) cabbie said....
> Hey, honey, don't cry. Practice wasn't at the con, it was in the lobby
>at VP on Wednesday night. Don't you remember? I know we hit the vino a
>little hard after we got Hutch untangled from your accordion and pried your
>sweaty little hand off the protrusion by which you were... err... assisting
>him, but surely some of this must be coming back to you? Or did
>bandmistress Glo Ira's incessant whistle blowing melt your brain cells?
>Mine are still ringing from that hideous sound.

sniff, sigh

God, how could I have forgotten. You know what? I don't drink...I mean never. When it comes to "demon rum" (or anything else alcoholic) my lips are virgins. No wonder I don't remember anything...you got me drunk! No wonder Hutch tripped over my foot, and I couldn't seem to help him up. I felt like a big blob of jelly, like I didn't have any bones. I mean, by that time it was a wonder I could even sit up! I don't even remember the whistle...all I remember hearing is that incessant pounding in my head.

Elaine (....hoping she didn't do anything else to embarrass herself...)

Subject: [VP] Re: OUR DEFLOWERED VIRGIN
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999
From: CrowRow

Your confusing cabbie said:
<< > Hey, honey, don't cry. Practice wasn't at the con, it was in the lobby
>at VP on Wednesday night. Don't you remember? I know we hit the vino a
>little hard after we got Hutch untangled from your accordion and pried your
>sweaty little hand off the protrusion by which you were... err... assisting
>him, but surely some of this must be coming back to you? Or did
>bandmistress Glo Ira's incessant whistle blowing melt your brain cells?
>Mine are still ringing from that hideous sound.

To which Elaine replied:
<< sniff, sigh God, how could I have forgotten. You know what? I don't drink...I mean never. When it comes to "demon rum" (or anything else alcoholic) my lips are virgins. No wonder I don't remember anything...you got me drunk! No wonder Hutch tripped over my foot, and I couldn't seem to help him up. I felt like a big blob of jelly, like I didn't have any bones. I mean, by that time it was a wonder I could even sit up! I don't even remember the whistle...all I remember hearing is that incessant pounding in my head.>>

to which the cabbie adds:
>>Oh, dear. Your lips were virgins????? Ah, Hutch was gentle, but... I don't think your lips can make that claim anymore, honey. When you got Hutch unstuck from the folds of your accordion, being the kind-hearted and slightly sloshed human being that you are, you helpfully asked Hutch if you could kiss hiss boo boo to make it better. You were a boo-boo kissing when an incensed Starsky fought his way clear of the enthusiastic Butterfly dancer's wings and charged forward. Not one to pass up the opportunity to view the best looking tush on the planet, Sandy tossed her instrument in front of Starsky's Adidas. The dirt ball went over and over and over, yelping at each band-member's successive attempts to help him up - read groping. Seeing his plight, our intrepid mommabird rushed to Starsky rescue, but she became so fascinated by Starsky's strategically placed fringe that she forgot what she was there for and commenced a little boo-boo kissing herself. By the time we pried the great pink one off Starsky, they were both smoky eyed and breathing heavy. Fortunately, you'd finished kissing Hutch's boo by then, so the formerly incensed Starsky didn't get the goods on you. However, there will be no unicorns chasing after your luscious lips anymore, my girl. Too bad you don't remember it. Believe me, it as memorable. Certainly a band practice that none of us will soon forget.<<

Well, hope this finds everyone sobered up and ready for the next practice session. We must remember to tell Huggy no more hootch.

Love to all,
your cabbie, who almost got the insidious whistle last night!

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999
From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-19 17:28:49 EDT,CrowRow writes:
> Well, hope this finds everyone sobered up and ready for the next practice session. We must remember to tell Huggy no more hootch.

Okay, now hear this all you lushes!

NO MORE BOOZING IT UP DURING BAND PRACTICE!

We've had far too many incidents of late and our distinct sound is beginning to suffer. I want all of you to sober up before tomorrow morning's rehearsal.

Don't make me have to blow my whistle!

> Love to all,
>your cabbie, who almost got the insidious whistle last night!

As for this insidious plot to steal my whistle just forget it! I have it hidden in a safe place. I can't even trust the Head of Security to help me here because she's among those plotting to get their sticky fingers on my whistle. Well it's not going to happen. Now get back to your rehearsing and leave my whistle alone.

Gloira

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999
From: mzelaine

Glo said....
>Okay, now hear this all you lushes!
>NO MORE BOOZING IT UP DURING BAND PRACTICE!

Then Ira complained....
>As for this insidious plot to steal my whistle just forget it!
>I have it hidden in a safe place.

You know what? I, for one, don't think it's fair that you get to have a whistle AND a penis-shaped baton. How come we don't get to have something good, since WE'RE obviously the ones doing all the work!

Elaine (...going off to sulk, and refusing to practice today...)

Subject: Re: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999
From: LCabrillo

Elaine said:
>You know what? I, for one, don't think it's fair that you get to have a
>whistle AND a penis-shaped baton. How come we don't get to have something
>good, since WE'RE obviously the ones doing all the work!

All riiiiight! Whistles and penis-shaped batons all around! Flamingo will LOVE this! :-)

So what's our next song going to be? The Beer Barrel Polka for Bells and Whistles? Judy in Disguise Having My Baby?

Linda

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999
From: dbost1

MEMO from VP SECURITY
I just want to address the concerns of my dear friend, our beloved band leader in regards to the purported attempts at whistle larceny in the building...

(Glo squealed:)
>As for this insidious plot to steal my whistle just forget it!
>I have it hidden in a safe place. I can't even trust the Head of Security to
>help me here because she's among those plotting to get their sticky fingers
>on my whistle.

It wasn't me! I didn't do it! I never touched it, never! It was Skippy, Skippy I tell you... my evil twin step-sister is in cahoots with RJH #6 and your dark side Ira. Maybe you should be looking a wee bit closer to home. eh? Don't be besmirchin' me; this building is a besmirchment free zone.

As the duly elected Head of Security and your ever-faithful servant, I will defend your right to whistle to my dying breath. I swear. No, really. I will.

FFTTTTWWWWEEEEEEEET! 'til you're heart's content Glo!

Diana

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999
From: Caorann

Glo wrote:
> Well it's not going to happen. Now get back to your rehearsing
> and leave my whistle alone.
> Gloira

There's something vaguely naughty about the idea that people won't leave your "whistle" alone...

Caorann, in the gutter

Subject: [VP] rAnDaNt-sOme NoTe
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999
From: dbost1

Yo Bandleader!

SURRENDER the whistle if you ever wanna see this baton again. If I do not hear back from you, I may just have to give this thing to Ira - and I don't mean that in a nice way, either.

Don't believe Sandy's sweet little innocent routine for a second - I have it on good authority that she, too, is an evil twin. Of the RL kind, no less. I'll have you know she's the mastermind behind this dastardly scheme. I'm just the brawn.

Skippy

Subject: [VP] Grand Whistle Larceny
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999
From: SandyR

FFTTTTWWWWEEEEEEEET!

Yep, that's the sound alright. I'd know it anywhere. Loud and piercing enough to be hurt over band practice and not quite loud enough to make your ears bleed. I'd get rid of it but if the plumbing backs up Mamabird would never forgive me.

FFTTTTWWWWEEEEEEEET!

Hey, it's kinda fun. Maybe I'll keep it. Or maybe I'll sneak into to Glo's place and wake her up, nice and proper. Might be fun to see her hit the ceiling after I let go with this bad boy. Tee hee.

GLOW?! Hi, how ya doing? What am I doing? Oh, nothin'. Just hanging around waiting for band practice. Can't wait, don't you know. What have I got in my hand?

Nothing, see? Oh, the other hand. Well, funny you should ask. I was just wondering what it was myself. Yes, it appears to be a whistle of some sort. Yours? Oh, I guess it does look a little like your whistle, doesn't it? How did I get it? Well, that's quite a story, really....

SKIPPY DID IT!! Skippy gave it to me! I didn't even know what it was! I was asleep!

Really! As soon as I realised it was your beloved whistle, I said to myself "Self, I must return this to Glo immediately. Or sooner." Yup, that's what I said. And that's just what I was doing. Returning it to you. So, here you go. There it is. Right back where it belongs. So you can torture, er, hmm, treat us to the sound of it at band practice. Like I said, I can't wait.

Your baton? Gee, I'm not sure...

Okay, okay! Don't use the whistle! I'll talk. Skippy has that, too. Well, the last time I saw her, she was using it to.... Never mind. Just take it from me, you don't want it back. Trust me on this one, okay?

SandyR

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 21:19:17 -0400 (EDT)
From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-21 22:54:11 EDT, Elaine writes:
<< You know what? I, for one, don't think it's fair that you get to have a whistle AND a penis-shaped baton. How come we don't get to have something good, since WE'RE obviously the ones doing all the work!<<

Doing all the WORK?

HA!

I'm the one that has to turn all you ragtag, boozy, Starsky-groping musicians into a band. I'm the one that has to monitor the liquor consumption, keep the fringes stocked, pick out all our great music, get the lazy bunch of you out of bed for practice, keep the earplugs stocked to fend off Flamingo's snoring, keep everyone from oogling Starsky long enough to get any work done, fend off the whistle mongers, keep Ira, Skippy and Rambo Jim Head #6 out of trouble and keep hiding the twister board while no one is looking. I get no appreciation around here.

> Elaine (...going off to sulk, and refusing to practice today...)

Is this the same Elaine who was crying in her beer over the mere thought that we had replaced her with another accordion player? I think you and your accordion better be at practice tomorrow. Rambo Jim Heads # 2 and 5 Claim they can play a mean accordion.

Gloira

Subject: Re: [VP] Grand Whistle Larceny
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 21:19:48 -0400 (EDT)
From: CrowRow

In a message dated 4/22/99 6:49:51 AM Pacific Daylight Time, SandyR writes:
<< Your baton? Gee, I'm not sure... Okay, okay! Don't use the whistle! I'll talk. Skippy has that, too. Well, the last time I saw her, she was using it to.... Nevermind. Just take it from me, you don't want it back. Trust me on this one, okay? >>

Oh, dear. Sandy got caught with the goods. Skippy, if you're reading this, you better get up to Glow's apartment with Rambo Jim Head #6 and create some kind of diversion. Yeah, knock Starsky over again while he's wearing his fringed long johns and pull down his trap door real fast. That'll do it.

Once we get her distracted, I'll make a grab for the insidious whistle and run like hell. Then the three of you clear out down the fireescape, stop by Hutch's apartment and let him know that our slightly crazed bandleader is missing her pretty purple baton and has decided to use Starsky's...er... baton as a replacement. Then we'll all go hide in Marcia closet until the heat cools down. Being a PRo's fan, she'll like that last reference...

Love to all,
Ro-Ira, who's having a fine time in that closet. I think we found the missing baton, Glow.. ahhh, ooohh.. oh, God.....

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999
From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-21 23:21:55 EDT, LCabrillo writes:
> All riiiiight! Whistles and penis-shaped batons all around! Flamingo will LOVE this! :-)

Well, Mamabird is the one that gave me MY whistle and penis shaped baton.

Maybe she can get them wholesale.

Does this mean we have to change our name to The Venice Place Serenade Flamingo Ragtime Rambo Jim Headed Penis Baton Carrying Whistle Blowing Band? Oh man. Not sure all that will fit on my whistle string.

Glo

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 21:30:16 -0400 (EDT)
From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-21 23:38:30 EDT, Moonshine writes:
<< I protest! I must drink prior to band practice in order to be prepared to play my native instrument--the moonshine jug! >>

You're just going to have to empty the contents of your jug into another container until practice is over.

Ira
Writing for Glo who is off hiding her whistle again

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 21:32:51 -0400 (EDT)
From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-22 00:23:00 EDT, Caorann writes:
<< There's something vaguely naughty about the idea that people won't leave your "whistle" alone... Caorann, in the gutter>>

Now it's my whistle they can't keep their hands off. Used to be other parts of me that they were always groping. I'm not sure if this is better or worse.

I'll have to ponder this <g>

Glo

Subject: Re: [VP] Whistle Larceny and Besmirching
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999
From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-22 00:39:13 EDT, Our Security Head writes:
> It wasn't me! I didn't do it! I never touched it, never! It was Skippy, Skippy I tell you... my evil twin step-sister is in cahoots with RJH #6 and your dark side Ira. Maybe you should be looking a wee bit closer to home. eh? Don't be besmirchin' me; this building is a besmirchment free zone.<

Sorry honey. I would NEVER want to commit the sin of besmirchment. No no, not me. Uh uh. I take back all besmirching remarks. Erase my besmirchment from your memory.

> As the duly elected Head of Security and your ever-faithful servant, I will defend your right to whistle to my dying breath. I swear. No, really. I will.<

I find this 'ever-faithful servant' stuff kinda kinky <g>

Let's talk more about this in your office after the next Anti-Twister Meeting

As for my right to whistle, thank you oh great securing one. I feel much better now that I know you will be protecting me and my whistle from any future larceny attempts.

Bat them all with your giant butterfly wings while I whistle away.

> FFTTTTWWWWEEEEEEEET! 'til you're heart's content Glo!

Mmmmm

This FFTTTWWWWEEEEETing sound like fun <g>

Thank you Diana. I will rest easier tonight knowing you are on the job. And also knowing that I have a giant baseball bat waiting for Skippy, RJH #6 and Ira if they try anything again.

Glo

Subject: re:[VP] rAnDaNt-sOme NoTe
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1999 20:40:30 -0400 (EDT)
From: SandyR

In a message dated 4/24/99 9:50:17 PM EST, CrowRow writes:
> Umm, Sandy, my love, it might be much easier to believe you as the sweet
> inocent you're presenting up above if a) I didn't know just how wonderfully
> perverse your mind is :) and b.) if you weren't flaming our poor,
> misunderstood Skippy. I for one am willing to believe you both completely
> innocent. I'm betting that Rambo Jim Head #6 is the guilty party. After
> all, with a kick ass head like that, why wouldn't he take Glow's whistle?
> Besides, Skippy is right here in the closet with me and she swears she ain't
> guilty. Of course, Rambo Jim Head #6 is swearing the same thing on his
> little guppy's curls, so I don't know who's telling the truth anymore.

Well, all I have to say to Skippy and RJH #6 is "Liars, liars, pants and headbands on fire".

I suppose the only way I will be able to clear my name is to tell how the alleged whistle came to be in my possession in the first place. It was all quite innocent, actually. I was out for my usual morning walk. As most of you already know, it is my habit to walk in the morning to help clear the my head and mentally prepare myself for band practice. I had just returned and was standing just outside the door to our humble abode doing my deep breathing exercises when the events in question occurred. I was enjoying deep lungfuls of that heady mixture of sea air and carbon monoxide that so defines Venice, CA when I heard the screeching of tires from the end of the block. Naturally, my first thought was that Starsky was returning home from some vital mission, such as getting breakfast burritos from Jack in the Box. But no, the Torino was parked in its usual place, snuggled up behind the Hutch's clunker right in front of VP. When I looked to see what was going on, I saw a car, deep green in color, possibly a ' 71 (or maybe '72) Buick Rivera barreling down the street at a truly remarkable rate of speed. Although I only got a glimpse of the driver, I did manage to observe that she bore a striking resemblance to Ro-Ira but I couldn't swear it was her. But as to the identity of the person in the passenger seat, I'm afraid there can be no doubt. It pains me to tell you but it was our very own Skippy. I know this for a fact because 1)I would know those beady eyes anywhere and 2)just as they were passing, she rolled down the window and chucked something at my head. Due to my lighting reflexes (or perhaps poor aim on her part), I managed to duck the deadly looking projectile. Of course, I tried to get the license plate number as the car zoomed away but alas, it was obscured by mud(fine, alluvial mud, if I'm any judge) which made it impossible. It was only when I went to retrieve the object that had been hurled at me did I see that it was Glow's whistle and I got some inkling of the reason behind this seemingly senseless attack. It was obvious that the perpetrators of it's theft intended to leave me, an innocent bystander in the whole sordid affair, holding the bag(or in this case, the whistle). I was simply on my way to return the stolen property when I met Glow in the hallway and well, you know the rest.

Now, there you are. That's the truth, the whole truth and nothing(well, almost) but the truth. Now, am I to be held responsible for this despicable act, even though my only guilt lies in actually liking the smell of salty dead fish and car emissions? Or should I be, as I have always maintained, held blameless in the whole affair?

I leave it to you, gentle list-sisters. Am I a thief? Or am I the innocent victim of a crime that has become all too common in this day and age?

It was, after all, a drive-by-fluting. :-)

SandyR
(who thinks that was one hell of a long way to go for that punchline)

From: Glorug

In a message dated 99-04-26 23:30:51 EDT, Diana writes:
> First of all, the Skipster has a highly respected member of our community as a character witness - Ro, the cab driver. As one of the few gainfully employed residents here in virtual Venice, I think Ro's testimony should be beyond reproach.<

Beyond reproach my ass!

Forgive me, madam butterfly. I know how you feel about besmirchment but I must protest here. CrowRow HoRo RoIra is nothing but a low down, diabolical, sneaky whistle stealer. It's been her plot from the start and NOTHING she says on this issue is beyond reproach. Beyond sanity, maybe. But beyond reproach, NO WAY.

If you don't believe me, tap my phone. As Security mistress I know you can do that. Then you'll see the amount of taunting, threatening phone calls she makes to me gloating over her plot to plan the demise of my innocent, beloved whistle that my dear, dear friend MamaBird made for me with her own two hands. (or would that be wings?)

So if Ro is the character witness here, then I'll have to side with Sandy's version of the story. How could I not? It was so believable. I mean here was this innocent girl taking her before band practice morning walk so she could be fresh and clear to play her best, unlike the rest of you lushes who come stumbling down in your dirty bathrobes with hangovers and unbrushed teeth. I can just see that projectile sailing towards her innocent head and hear the devious laughter of Skippy and that deranged cabbie. And I'm sure that 6 head was involved in this as well.

I'm warning all of you. You better stay away from my whistle or this is gonna get ugly.

Glo

Subject: Re: [VP] Band Announcement
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999
From: Flamingo

Geez, my calming influence is gone but a few days and the band goes berserk! I was wondering why the lobby's been so quiet.

> Glo or Ira said.....
> >Doing all the WORK? HA!
> >I'm the one that has to turn all you ragtag, boozy, Starsky-groping
> musicians into a band. (snipped)

Elaine Hauptman (cleverly) wrote:
> Oh, poor thing! Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Flamingo (trying to hide her perpetual smile):
Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, don't you know sarcasm is the last resort of the truly hilarious?

Glo-ira goes on:
> >Is this the same Elaine who was crying in her beer over the mere thought that
> >we had replaced her with another accordion player? I think you and your
> >accordion better be at practice tomorrow. Rambo Jim Heads # 2 and 5 Claim
> >they can play a mean accordion.

Elaine fires back:
> You know what? I think that damn whistle has gone to your head. Or, maybe
> blowing it so much has blown away your good sense. Now you're issuing
> threats, as if that's the only way you can keep us in line. Well, it
> probably is, come to think of it. Consider me quaking in my boots, and
> I'll certainly be on time for practice tomorrow morning. I refuse to be
> replaced by a RJH! This was a pret-ty feeble threat on your part, dear,
> since it's clearly impossible to play an accordion without arms. You'll
> have to come up with better threats than that!
> Elaine (...so pleased to have had the last word!...)

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Can the band be saved or will it dissolve among the pressure of Rambo Jim Heads attempting to play accordions with their noses? (Flamingo imagines countless RJH noses stuck in accordion folds. She can barely continue typing.)

Ladies, ladies, ladies, you know how Hutch hates all this petty arguing. You must be a TEAM, united in a single purpose. I think the terrible music choices you are all forced to play is contributing to all this discord and chaos. But music can soothe the savage Glo-Ira! I suggest three chorus of AC/DC's Big Balls and soon you'll all be smiling again.

Flamingo
Looking forward to hear the band practice for the first time in months.

Subject: [VP] Penis-shaped batons was Band Announcement
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999
From: Flamingo

> In a message dated 99-04-21 23:21:55 EDT, LCabrillo writes:
> > All riiiiight! Whistles and penis-shaped batons all around! Flamingo will
> LOVE this! :-)

Glo wrote:
> Well, Mamabird is the one that gave me MY whistle and penis shaped baton.
> Maybe she can get them wholesale.

Well, Glow, considering that the penis-shaped baton I gave you for your birthday was crafted from specially formulated melted vegetable tallow (no animal testing) and tinted with 2,291,457 specially-ripened stamens from my own purple bougainvilla flowers, formed into a 12" (Hutch-sized) long rod by the incredibly time-consuming drip-method of candle-making, and then, when it had been left to cure for 2 weeks in a hermetically-sealed pyramid-shaped chamber of my own design, was oh-so-carefully hand-carved into a reasonable facsimile of Starsky's manhood (I was working from memory and the damned wax kept melting while I worked and I kept getting distracted and two previous versions completely disintegrated under...uh...stress-testing...) complete with realistic pre-orgasmic drippings, the chances of my "getting them wholesale" is kinda remote --

<tiny piece of paper flutters to the ground -- receipt from Hallmark store for "1 left-over Christmas advent candle 12" purple slightly damaged, $0.57" -- Flamingo frantically snatches receipt and shoves it into her mouth>

That'sff my schtory and I'm schticking to it. <gulp>

Glo asks:
> Does this mean we have to change our name to The Venice Place Seranade
> Flamingo Ragtime Rambo Jim Headed Penis Baton Carrying Whistle Blowing Band?
> Oh man. Not sure all that will fit on my whistle string.

Oh, no!! I am not going back to that bead store and hunting up more initials to put on that thing. You're on your own!!

Flamingo
<who once again has paper-indigestion. urp>