Starsky & Flamingo Talk Dogs
15 Sep 1999
from Flamingo

Ever since Flamingo and Starsky's disagreement during the plumbing incident, their relationship had been on the cool side. If that wasn't bad enough, it seemed to Starsky that conditions in VenicePlace had seriously deteriorated since that moment. The Cabbie from the Twilight Zone was still trying to sell that rank manure in front of the building, the place had been taken over by some very strange livestock (some of it from another dimension yet), and some of the newer neighbors were downright scary. Starsky got nervous goosebumps just thinking about his last run in with the whip lady. And between the orgy schedule and the band practices and the crazy hours of their job, there was hardly any time left over for him and Hutch to have fun. Realizing that having a poor relationship with the superintendent of his building could end up being disastrous to both his health and his social life, Starsky decided to be big about it and try to mend fences with Flamingo.

So it was with some serious trepidation that he found himself using the flamingo-headed door knocker on Flamingo's apartment door. As usual, there was a furious chorus of dog-barking as she opened the door.

Starsky pasted on his most disarming smile -- the one guaranteed to charm stewardesses right out of their inhibitions -- and greeted her. "Hey, Flamingo, how's them feathers floatin'?" He sauntered in the way he'd always been able to do before as Flamingo's two little mini-dogs bounced maniacally around his feet, barking with glee. The super's two huge Dobermans, sleeping in the bedroom, lifted their heads, saw it was Starsky, and went back to sleep. He scooped up the little tan mini-terrier and scratched her ears.

Flamingo crossed her arms. She wasn't buying it. "Something wrong with Hutch's place again? Another backed-up drain? Refrigerator not working? Leak around the bedroom mirror -- uh, never mind."

"No, no...I just wanted to come by and say hi...."

"I told you, you've got to see Val about the unicorn. But you have no one to blame but yourself. I've told you before that trying to con the women of VenicePlace will only get you in trouble. It only works for a little while, but then you always get caught. And besides, since you don't pay any rent I don't see why you can't buy your own ice cream--"

"That's not why I'm here!" Starsky said, getting exasperated. Damn, this woman could be annoying. "I just came to, uh, you know, be social."

"Uh-huh," said Flamingo, clearly disbelieving.

Now, Starsky was getting mad. He'd come here waving the white flag, but she just wasn't going to let him off the hook. He looked at the little dog in his arms. "Y'know, Flamingo, sometimes I think it's better to be friends with a dog than a woman. For one thing, the later you show up, the happier a dog is to see you."

Flamingo raised an eyebrow. "Is that right? Have you ever wondered why I have so many dogs? Because I've always known that you can have a better relationship with a dog than with a man. At least dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong!"

That sounded like a challenge to Starsky. "Oh, yeah? Well, unlike a woman, a dog's parents will never visit you. Dogs like it when you leave your clothes on the floor. And dogs limit their time in the bathroom to a quick drink!"

Flamingo narrowed her eyes and picked up the gauntlet. "Really? Unlike men, dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public!"

The little mini-terrier chose that moment to give Starsky a sloppy lick.

"Dogs miss you when you're gone," Flamingo continued. "They don't send out for a keg and a stripper and have a party!"

"It was only half a keg!" Starsky had always wondered who it was who had ratted him out to Hutch. "At least a dog never expects you to phone them the next day. I've never had a dog get mad at me for forgetting her birthday. And you know what? A dog does not care about the other dogs you knew before her!"

Flamingo nodded and got that little smirk she always wore when the fight was getting good. Just then, the mini-poodle that Starsky was ignoring let out a fierce bark. "See?" she said. "Unlike men, dogs will admit when they're jealous! And dogs are honest about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch -- and they never laugh at how you throw!"

That was when Starsky realized Flamingo still wasn't over that softball game in the park. But he wasn't ready to back down. "Uh-huh, well, a dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog!" He realized his mistake as soon as the poodle barked again so that he was forced to pick her up, too. Now both mini-dogs kissed his cheeks. It wasn't a very macho position to be in, he realized.

"You can train a dog," Flamingo sneered. "Even housebreak them!"

"Yeah, well, I never had to buy a dog flowers on Valentine's Day."

"Dogs are easy to buy for!" Flamingo countered.

So, she was still mad about his exchanging that watch she got him for Christmas. Starsky realized things weren't looking good for him. And he could tell that Flamingo knew he was in retreat.

"The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas," she reminded him. He started to protest and she interrupted. "Well, okay, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gave it to you."

Starsky flinched. And she was still mad about that food poisoning from the last pot-luck supper they had. How was he to know she was allergic to avocados? But he wasn't about to take this lying down. "A dog," he declared, "does not shop!" He nodded his head victoriously.

"A dog understand what 'no' means." She stared at him pointedly.

He sighed. So, she was still mad about his "borrowing" her copy of "Turned To Fire." How did he know that he and Hutch would decide to try out that position on page 86 and that they'd get so carried away they'd forget about the zine in the bed and they'd actually.... Well, he'd said he was sorry. The mini-terrier gave him another lick to console him.

"Oh, and before I forget," Flamingo said, "dogs mean it when they kiss you."

That was a low blow!

There was a soft groan from the bedroom and both of them turned to see the big male Doberman sprawled across Flamingo's bed, right across her soft, pink, flamingo-down comforter. "Which reminds me," she said, "of all the ways that dogs and men are the same." She jabbed a thumb toward the Doberman-infested bed. "Both take up too much space in bed! Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning."

"Hey!" said Starsky, taking offense. "I vacuum! I can prove it! We've got it on film! Check the episode 'Blindfold'!"

"That was then. The only time you vacuum now is when you can't con one of the new neighbors into doing it," she said. "Both men and dogs have the need to mark their territory. Or was that not a hickey I saw on Hutch earlier today?"

Starsky felt himself blushing. Hutch was pissed, too.

"Neither men nor dogs will tell you what's bothering them!" Flamingo insisted.

Clearly, she didn't heard Hutch yelling about that hickey this morning, Starsky thought.

She peered over her pink-rimmed glasses at him. "The smaller ones tend to be more nervous."

Starsky straightened up immediately. At least he was taller than she was.

By this time Flamingo was counting off points on her fingers. "Both have an inordinate fascination with crotches."

Starsky decided he was above this and just gazed around the room.

"Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly."

He made a mental note to talk to the Head of Security about cranking down the volume on those cameras.

"Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman."

"Yeah," Starsky interjected, determined to get in the last word. "And neither of us can understand what it is you see in cats!"

Just then Hutch appeared in the doorway. The Dobermans never noticed and just kept on sleeping. The two mini-dogs squirmed to get out of Starsky's arms and greeted Hutch as enthusiastically as they had his partner. Starsky was about to comment on the comparisons between their faithlessness and a woman's when Hutch intervened. "Are you two at it again? You should be ashamed. You used to be such good friends! You're not going to let a little philosophy get in the way of that are you?"

Starsky started to feel bad and was just about to apologize to Flamingo when she glanced at him snidely and said, "Little warm out for a turtleneck today, Hutch."

That caused Starsky's partner to turn a bright red and glower at him as he tugged the turtleneck up to cover the edge of the hickey Starsky had given him. He knew he was going to hear about that again as soon as Hutch got him alone upstairs. He glared at the Big Pink.

Hutch scooped up the poodle, mindless of how fey it made him look. "You know, you two could learn some real life lessons from these dogs!" He approached Flamingo who was still frowning at Starsky. "For example, a dog knows that if you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want!"

Flamingo blushed pinker and dropped her gaze.

Hutch turned to Starsky and jingled the poodle's tags. "And a dog knows to never go out without ID!"

Starsky remembered what a hard time he had talking that uniformed cop out of that speeding ticket the day he forgot his badge. He patted his pockets nervously until Hutch handed the badge to him.

"You left it on the table," Hutch said. "Another good dog lesson is: be direct with people. Let them know exactly how you feel."

"By piddling on their shoes?" Starsky asked.

Hutch scowled. "Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it."

As the mini-poodle let out a jealous bark, all three turned to look at the somnambulant, silent Dobermans. "Never mind," said Hutch.

Flamingo jerked a thumb towards the Dobermans. "Their main life lesson is: leave room in your schedule for a good nap."

Hutch smiled. "A dog would tell you to always give people a friendly greeting." He turned to his lover, grinned, and pinched his nose. "A cold nose in the crotch is effective! But the most effective lesson is: when you do something wrong, always take responsibility for it."

"That's right," Flamingo agreed, "as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed!"

"You guys have forgotten the most important lesson," Starsky insisted, covering his defenseless nose. He knew the perfect way to get back on Flamingo's good side.

"I shudder to think," Hutch said.

He snuggled close to Hutch so that the mini-poodle would give him a quick lick on the chin. Grinning at Flamingo, he said, "If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss." And before Hutch could stop him he laid a big wet one right on target.