Title: THE HEART'S WHISPER
Author/pseudonym: Candy Apple
Rating: MAO
Pairings: J/B

Status: NEW, Complete
Date: 2-5-99
Series/Sequel: No

Disclaimers: I don't own the guys, Pet Fly does.  No money changing
hands.  Just working off my frustration with "Sentinel Too", Part 2. 

Notes:   MAJOR SPOILERS FOR SENTINEL TOO, PART TWO.  IF
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED, WAIT TO READ THIS!!!

This is my "fix" for the season opener.  It's my humble attempt to put
what I hope is a positive spin on the events in the episode as they relate
to Jim and Blair's relationship.

Summary: After the dust settles, Jim and Blair cope with the aftermath
of the struggle with Alex, and come to their own revelation about the
meaning of the visions.

Warnings: m/m



THE HEART'S WHISPER

by 

Candy Apple



     Megan thanked the desk clerk and turned back to face her three
equally bedraggled friends.  

     "They had an extra room, so it looks like you boys are on your
own tonight," she declared cheerfully.

     "I should probably get a room too, if they have another.  I could
use some sleep in a real bed," Blair said tiredly, starting toward the
desk.

     "Chief--you're welcome to stay with me.  There's plenty of
room."  Jim looked a little confused at Blair's desire to get other
accommodations.

     "Okay."  Blair let out a long breath and headed for the elevator,
hitting the button.

     "He looks exhausted, Jim," Simon opined.  "Keep an eye on
him, huh?"

     "Sure," Jim said, nodding slightly, as if it were a given that he
would do that.

     The four rode up in the elevator in virtual silence, which was all
the more unnerving for the absence of Blair's usual chatter about how
they were all giving into the social phenomenon of elevator silence, or
whatever the technical term would be for it.  Normally, he would have
teased them all mercilessly for just standing around like four strangers. 
Instead, his eyes were downcast, his shoulders somewhat slumped, his
whole demeanor speaking of fatigue and listlessness.

     "Get a good night's sleep, Blair," Simon suggested gently as
they all got off the elevator.  

     "I'll try," he replied, smiling slightly at Simon's concerned tone.

     Jim unlocked the door to the hotel room and let Blair in, then
followed, locking the door behind them.  

     "Why don't you go ahead and get cleaned up, Chief?  I've got a
couple calls to make, and I want to start getting things packed up so we
can leave tomorrow."

     "Thanks," Blair responded, moving slowly into the bathroom
and closing the door.  Jim heard the shower start, and the sounds of
clothing being discarded.  He turned his attentions to calling for flight
reservations and then gathering the few items he'd had time to unpack
in the first place.  He was interrupted by a knock at the door.

     "Sorry to bother you, but I left my bag in here," Megan said,
looking more than a little bedraggled herself as she stood there in a
white, fluffy hotel robe, obviously ready to step into the shower.

     "No problem."  Jim went back into the room and fetched the
bag, bringing it to Megan, who had stepped partway into the room.

     "How's Sandy doing?"

     "He's showering right now."

     "I gathered," she said, nodding toward the bathroom with a little
smile, the sound of the water audible through the closed door.  "I hope
he's okay.  He checked out of the hospital against the doctor's orders.  I
wouldn't have let him come with me, except that I knew he'd go alone
otherwise.  I was worried about him traveling alone when he wasn't
feeling 100%."

     "I'm sure he'll be okay after he gets some sleep."  Jim smiled
slightly.

     "Jim, he was clinically dead--drowned.  That's more than a head
cold."

     "I'm aware of that, Connor," Jim retorted, his tone icy.  "I was
there."

     "I know.  That's why I find your utter lack of concern a bit
surprising."  She took the back out of Jim's hand and turned on her
heel, striding down the hall.  Jim was still standing in his own open
doorway when he heard her door slam decisively.

     Returning to the interior of the room, Jim set his nearly packed
bag aside, clearing the bed and turning it back.  The water was still
running in the bathroom, and Jim focused his hearing to see just what
was taking Sandburg so long.  Even shampooing his hair shouldn't have
held him up this much.  Intermingled with the sounds of the running
water were small, choked sounds from Blair himself.  He was crying,
vainly hoping the running water would be enough to distract sentinel
ears from picking up the sounds.  

     Jim hesitated, then moved toward the door, tapping on it.

     "Okay in there, Chief?"  he asked.  There was a pause in the
sounds of the crying, a couple of almost audible swallows.

     "I'll be out in a minute, Jim."

     "Take your time.  Just wanted to be sure you were okay in
there," Jim called back, moving away from the door.  

******

     The water stopped shortly thereafter, and the sounds of the
blow drier started.  Once the drying ritual ended, the door opened and
Blair emerged, clad in a pair of pale blue boxer shorts, his hair a wild
mane of curls falling on his shoulders.  What caught Jim's attention,
though, was some faint bruising around his mid section.

     "Hurt yourself, Chief?"  Jim said, nodding toward Blair,
indicating the bruising.

     "You mean before or after being clinically dead?"  Blair shot
back, climbing into the bed, not really caring where Jim slept.  If Jim
wanted him in here instead of in his own room, he damn well wasn't
going to spend another night on a hard surface.  In the silence that
followed his response, Blair finally added.  "The CPR bruised some
ribs.  Nothing serious."

     "Good.  I mean that it isn't serious," Jim added, more than a
little clumsily.

     "Look, I'm really tired.  If you don't mind, I just need sleep."

     "Sure.  I'm going to hit the shower," Jim responded.  Once the
door to the bathroom had closed again, Blair let out a long breath.  He
knew Jim had heard him crying, and hated himself for losing it at all
where Jim could hear it.  He'd been determined to follow this thing
through with his dignity, and then work on starting his new life
somewhere else.  He'd been granted a rare second chance, and when
he'd first gotten a little of his strength back, he hadn't considered
spending on anyone or anything but Jim.  

     Seeing Jim's obvious caring, affection and tenderness for Alex
had changed all that.  That she had murdered him seemed a forgotten
footnote in the whole adventure, and didn't dissuade Jim from
following his instincts and trying to make love to her. //*Make love*,
not mate.  There was tenderness, caring, sensuality...it was more than
an animal coupling, which would have been easier to bear.// Blair
swallowed, angry that new tears were burning his eyes again.  To see
Jim's caring directed toward Alex had cut Blair so deeply that he found
it almost impossible to handle the pain.  

     The bathroom door opened, and Blair quickly brushed at his
eyes and closed them again, pulling the blanket more firmly around
himself.  The air conditioning was chilling him to the bone.

     Jim didn't say anything else.  He got into the other side of the
bed and pulled the covers up, settling on his side, his back to Blair,
with plenty of empty space between them.

     //There's been a lot of that lately,// Blair thought sadly. //Not
much else left anymore.//

     "Blair?"

     "What?"

     "Are you too cold?  I can feel you shivering."

     "Sorry."
     
     "I didn't mean it that way--I can turn the air down."

     "I'm all right," Blair responded.  He heard Jim get up and turn
down the compressor.  Then he felt the weight of an extra cover over
him.  Jim had drawn the bedspread back up on Blair's side.  "Thanks."

     "Feeling all right?"

     "Tired," Blair responded.

     "Okay."  Another long pause.  "Goodnight, Chief."

     "Goodnight, Jim."

******

     Jim opened his eyes, tuning into the little noises coming from
his bed mate.  Blair was moving in his sleep, emitting pained, broken
little sounds from somewhere in the back of his throat.  Jim turned over
and laid a hand on Blair's shoulder.

     "Chief, come on, wake up.  Wake up, Blair," Jim gave the
shoulder a little shake.  Blair jerked awake, his body stiffening as he
regained consciousness.  Jim didn't move his hand.  He kept rubbing
the cool skin of Blair's shoulder.  "Nightmare?"

     "It's okay, Jim.  Sorry I woke you."

     "Talk to me, Chief."

     "Why?"  Blair paused. "Look, Jim, when we get back to
Cascade...I'm leaving.  I'm going to track Naomi down and see if I can
go spend some time with her."

     "Maybe a vacation'll do you good."

     "I'm not talking about a vacation.  I'm talking about a place to
land until I figure out where I'm going.  I did have one job offer a
couple months ago, but I doubt it's still open.  That was in Sacramento. 
Warm climate and everything."

     "What're you saying?"

     "What part of it didn't you get?  I'm leaving, Jim.  Moving on. 
It's time."

     "Time?  Time for what?"  Jim demanded, withdrawing his hand
and sitting up in the bed.

     "Time for me to get a life, okay?!"  Blair shot back, sitting up
and facing his soon-to-be-former partner.  "To quit building everything
around you."

     "Is that what you think you've been doing?"  Jim demanded.

     "Is that what I *think* I've been doing?  Shit, Jim, I'm so
fucking expert at it now that you don't even notice it anymore!  You
fucking *expect* it!"

     "Expect *what*?!"

     "You expect that you can do anything you want, anytime, with
anybody, and I'll always be here.  Goddammit, not anymore!"  Blair
shouted, tears threatening his voice.  

     "Where is this coming from?"

     "That's really amusing, Jim."  Blair got up out of bed and started
pacing.  "Tell me, was it good for you?"  Blair sneered.  "Did it feel
good to satisfy your mating urges with the woman who fucking
murdered me?!"

     "I told you on the beach--it was like I wasn't in control--"

     "She murdered me, Jim.  In cold blood.  I guess I'd hoped that
would cut down on her sex appeal in your eyes."

     "Blair, I wouldn't have let her hurt you."

     "Hurt me?  She already killed me once, Jim.  And on the beach--she 
could have drilled me full of lead before you got around to saying
no to her.  But you know what cuts the deepest, man?"

     "What?"  Jim asked, his voice a little weak.

     "The tenderness in you when you touched her.  When you
looked at her--when you kissed her.  You kissed her like a lover.  You
weren't mating, you were making love.  Making love to someone who
had just finished killing me."  Blair's voice was no longer elevated, and
the tears were slowly dribbling out of his eyes now.  "You could still
love her, after what she did to me.  You still wanted her.  It wasn't just
the mating urge--that's primitive, biological--I don't even know all the
answers about that part of it.  But, Jim, you looked at her with
longing...with...with *love*.  You're never gonna know...what that felt
like."

     "I never meant to hurt you, Chief.  I...I couldn't stop it.  I--"
     
     "And that really says it all, doesn't it, Jim?  You could still
make love to her after what she did to me."

     "I never made love to her, Blair."

     "You wanted to.  After she killed me, you *wanted to*.  That's
all I need to know."  Blair brushed at his eyes and hugged himself
against the coolness of the room on his sleep-warmed skin.

     "Come on, get back in bed--"

     "I never wanted to have this conversation with you," Blair said
quietly.  "I wanted to just go back home and get my stuff and get out. 
This isn't serving any purpose."

     "Blair, I never loved Alex.  I wasn't in love with her.  I'm not in
love with her now."

     "You coulda fooled me."

     "You're the one who studies sentinels.  I would think you of all
people would understand what I was going through."

     "I guess that makes it official then."  Blair sat on the foot of the
bed on his side, his back to Jim.  "I'm a complete failure as your
shaman.  I don't have the answers you need, and in the end, you had to
fight all the battles yourself.  If Incacha granted me the Way of the
Shaman, I must have not been worthy of it."  Blair ran a hand back
through his hair.  "I did my best for you, Jim.  In the end, it wasn't
enough.  Maybe someday I can wax philosophical about your desire for
Alex, but right now it just hurts like hell and I can't get past it. 
Anytime anyone has hurt you, I have felt the worst kind of hate
possible.  I've felt hate that scared me it was so strong.  Almost strong
enough that I could have forgotten all of my humane instincts and...and
just...*attacked*.  I've always thought that was present in you too--that
for whatever else happened in our world, one thing we could rely on
was that...*bond*.  I even started hypothesizing in my dissertation
about this special, mystical bond between Sentinel and Shaman. 
Because, I swear, Jim, I thought I felt it.  But if there ever was one, it
wasn't strong enough."
     
     "You're not a failure, Blair."  Jim got out of bed and moved to
sit next to Blair.  He reached back and pulled the spread up, wrapping
it around Blair's shoulders.  "When Alex had me at the temple, in the
pool, I had another vision."

     "We all know how effective I've been at interpreting those." 
Blair clutched the spread around himself.  He wanted to give into the
tears he felt threatening his tenuous control.  More than anything, he
wanted Jim to find something to say that would make the pain go away. 
Something that could convince him that there was any reason not to
end the relationship now.  

     "I saw Incacha again.  I begged him for help, to guide me."

     "To guide you?"  Blair shook his head.  "You know, Jim, I
*did* get revived.  I *am* still here.  You could have thought of not
shutting me out at some point along the way.  I know I don't have all
the answers, but I...I would have *tried*.  I wouldn't have just stood by
and let her get the upper hand."

     "You mean like I did to you?  Blair, as soon as I realized that
she was going after you, when I realized the meaning of my visions
where you were concerned--I tried to get to you in time."

     "What visions about me?"

     "Before I...asked you to leave the loft--"

     "Now there's a PC phrase for it."

     "Okay."  Jim took a deep breath.  "Before I kicked your ass out
in the street, is that better?"  Jim snapped.  "Do you want me to explain
this or not?"

     "I'm sorry."

     "No, I am."  Jim let the silence hang there, until Blair turned to
look at him.  "I'm sorry, Blair.  I can't give you a bunch of reasons,
because I don't understand a lot of this better than you do.  But I know
that all I've done is hurt you since Alex came into the picture.  I hate
that I've made you so miserable that you want to leave town.  I hate that
I kept hurting you when I was trying so damned hard not to.  And this
thing with Alex...it was a primal urge, and I fell for it.  I never meant
for it to hurt you.  My focus just...turned inward, I guess."

     "That means a lot to me, Jim," Blair said quietly, still studying
Jim's features in the shadows of the room.

     "I...I'm glad."  Jim paused quite a while, then added.  "Because
you mean a lot to me, Chief."  He said it to the carpeting, hoping Blair
would overhear their conversation.  "You're so much a part of me that I
didn't ever consider you wouldn't know that.  And after that vision we
shared, about the panther and the wolf...and I knew you shared it, I just
assumed you understood."

     "You were going to tell me about the vision you had
before...before I left the loft."

     "Now I've got you doing it."  Jim smiled, and Blair chuckled a
little.

     "What did you see?"

     "I told you most of it, but along with the temple, and the
jungle...I saw a wolf.  Only in the vision, I had the crossbow, and I
fired, and the wolf was hit, and then...as it lay there dying...it changed. 
It became...you."

     "Me?"

     "Yeah.  And then I started thinking that maybe I was going to
cause your death somehow.  More and more it seemed like the best
thing for you was to get you away from me.  So many things were
going on in my head...so I just pushed you away.  Figured we'd work it
out later, after whatever this *crisis* was, passed.  But I didn't realize
until after my last run-in with Alex that the vision meant death or
danger for you, but it obviously didn't have to come directly at my
hands."

     "So part of throwing me out had to do with protecting me?"

     "A big part of it."  Jim tried a little smile, but Blair still didn't
return it.  He looked away again.  "When we talked in the bullpen that
day, I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I just took it out on you."

     "You said you needed a partner you could trust," Blair said in a
hushed voice.

     "I do." 

     "Well, maybe Megan'll work out that way.  She knows now."

     "You're not going to make this easy, are you?"  Jim said,
smiling again.  Blair looked at him, puzzled.  "I already have a partner
that I trust.  I guess the big question now is whether or not, after
everything that's happened, he can still trust me."  Jim looked back at
Blair.  "When I was in the pool, and Incacha answered my call for help,
he told me I had to look within myself to find the way, to get out of the
darkness.  When I took his advice...I...I saw you."

     "You saw me?  In what way?"

     "As my guide, my way out of the dark..."  Jim looked away,
staring straight ahead now.  "Blair, I know that after what's
happened...there isn't much reason for you to stick around.  I don't
really have the right to ask that of you anymore."

     "Maybe you oughtta give it a shot," Blair said casually,
shrugging a little.  "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

     "I don't want you to go, Chief.  I didn't really need a vision to
tell me that you're my light.  I know that.  I always knew it."

     "Maybe I just needed to know it," Blair responded.

     "Well...?"  Jim prompted, obviously nervous now that he had
laid the words out there for Blair.

     "I don't want to go anywhere...without you.  I never did," Blair
admitted, looking at Jim and waiting for him to turn so their eyes could
meet.  "You're the other half of my soul, Jim.  Without you..."  Blair let
the words trail off, finally meeting Jim's eyes as the other man looked
at him, "...there's this big, empty place *nothing* could ever fill in
again.  When I saw you with Alex, I thought that meant...I was losing
you for good."

     "Never.  You'll never lose me, Blair."   Jim pulled Blair into his
arms, delving under the folds of the spread to press them together, skin
on skin.  He buried his nose in Blair's hair, wrapped his arms tightly
around his body, catalogued the heartbeat, the scent, the textures, the
very moment of blood coursing through the veins in a way he never had
before.  

     Blair returned the pressure of the embrace, finally giving in to
Jim's insistent pulling and straddling the larger man's lap.  He could
hear Jim's intakes of breath, feel his nose moving about slightly in the
tangled curls, then down to Blair's neck.  Those strong, gentle hands
moved over his skin as if it were the finest silk, and he knew that
sentinel fingers were memorizing every inch of his physical landscape. 
Jim was doing his level best to make Blair physically a part of him as
well as spiritually.

     Indulging in what he thought would probably be a rare
opportunity, Blair ran his hands slowly over the smooth shoulders and
back of the man he loved, feeling the rock solid muscles moving under
their smooth, deceptively soft coating of skin.  The truth he hadn't been
able to tell Jim was that he not only felt unspeakably betrayed by Jim's
lust for Alex, but he had hated her for having the one thing from Jim he
wanted most for himself--Jim's desire.  

     And then the questing hands slid down Blair's back and cupped
his buttocks, moving decisively to slide under the leg openings of the
loose boxers, until warm hands gripped Blair's cool flesh.  He jerked
back from Jim to look in the other man's eyes, and saw a passion and
determination there he'd never seen before.  Not even on the beach, not
even when Jim had kissed Alex in the temple.  This was...conviction.  
The knowledge that everything about this union was meant to be, that a
physical coupling would be the ultimate expression and consummation
of the spiritual bond they had both seen in their shared vision.  Still, at
Blair's startled look, the questing hands froze, their fingertips at the
very edge of the crease between Blair's buttocks.

     "Yes," Blair whispered against Jim's mouth, before devouring it
with the frenzy of emotion that came from finally defeating Alex--taking
 back from her the one thing he wanted most.  First, he'd gotten
his life back, and now, he had Jim back.  He pulled back from the kiss,
gasping a little.

     "I love you," Jim whispered.  Blair felt tears spring to his eyes
at hearing those words, the words that he had needed to hear to feel at
peace with his decision to stay, his decision to be Jim's other half, to
fulfill the destiny outlined in their shared vision.  

     "I love you too," he responded, before they kissed again.

     Jim reclined until he lay on his back with Blair on top of him. 
He slid both hands up Blair's back and into his hair, holding him in
place until he had his fill of the soft, lush mouth he hadn't realized he'd
been coveting for so long.  He reached for the last barrier between
them, tugging at Blair's boxers until they slid over the curve of his ass
and the younger man cooperated in kicking them to the floor.  Within
moments, Jim found himself divested of his underwear just as
efficiently.

     Erections matching and rubbing together, the two men rolled
across the bed, kissing, caressing, licking and tasting as much of each
other as they could reach.  Jim fastened his mouth on a soft patch of
skin on Blair's throat, sucking hard and drawing a gasp out of his lover. 
When he drew back, and met the smouldering eyes of his other half, he
had little time to prepare for the return attack.  Blair's mouth found
almost the precise same spot on Jim's throat and left his own bright
mark there.  

     "You're mine now," Blair growled, going for Jim's mouth again. 


     They picked up the pace of the movement of their bodies, the
stimulation to their overheated groins driving them both to the edge. 
As the shared climax ripped through them, a bright gold light shone
above the bed, expanding and bathing the lovers in its glow.

******

     Jim slowly came back to earth, clinging tightly to the damp,
warm body in his arms.  He tugged the covers up over them, holding
Blair impossibly closer, shielding him from any risk of chill.

     "Did you see it?"  Blair whispered.

     "You know I did, Chief," Jim whispered back against Blair's
lips, then kissed him.  

     "Maybe this is what Incacha was trying to tell us?"  Blair said,
still whispering.  

     "Maybe.  Or maybe I just finally listened to the whispers of my
own heart," Jim said softly, pressing Blair's head against his shoulder. 
"Sleep now, Chief.  You need your rest."  Jim smiled as he heard the
even breathing coming from his lover.  Blair's exhausted body had
finally demanded what it needed, even when the overactive brain it
carried around was still trying to wrap itself around their newfound
status as lovers.  "Sleep well, my love," Jim whispered to the sleeping
man, kissing the soft curls and settling in to sleep himself.

******

     Simon stole another look at Blair, then at Jim, and then
exchanged a look with Megan, who had been guilty of giving the other
two men a similar once-over.  Both dressed in short sleeve, open neck
shirts, Jim and Blair each sported a nice, vibrant, technicolor passion
mark that defied anyone who glanced their way not to look at them.

     "Something wrong, sir?"  Jim asked innocently, picking up his
orange juice glass with one hand, holding hands under the table with
Blair with the other.

     "No, not at all," Simon protested, going back to his eggs.

     "All right, I'll say it.  What exactly is going on with you two
now?"  Megan asked, as if exasperated to have found out one secret
and obviously missed another one.  

     Jim looked at Blair's puzzled, slightly uncertain expression, and
thought again about how blessed he felt to have his other half alive,
healthy and with him.  He pulled their joined hands out from under the
table, startling Blair by pulling the younger man's hand up to his mouth
and kissing the back of it.

     "Let's just say that I found a lot more on this trip than a couple
tanks of nerve gas."  Jim smiled at Blair, who returned it.  Then,
casually, smiling easily, Jim asked Simon and Megan,  "So, you guys
happen to know what the laws are down here for same sex marriages?"

     Both Jim and Blair would have given any amount of money to
have had a camera on hand to capture their companions' expressions.

******
The End ;-)

(I feel better now. <g>)