Part 12

(Please visit https://www.squidge.org/~candy_a/13-main.htm for warnings, disclaimers and author's notes)

 * * *

EPILOGUE

Blair had awakened a few minutes earlier, but he was just enjoying the peace and tranquility of the late night airline trip. Jim was snoring softly in the seat next to him, their hands still joined, fingers twined. His hand was warm and a little stiff, but the last thing he wanted to do was let go. They'd joined hands when the plane took off, and then started dozing, and never released their hold.

I never want to release my hold on you, love, Blair thought, soaking up the connection to the man he loved more than life.

Their "wedding" had been perfect--a dinner party with friends in a private room of the Cascade Hilton, where they had exchanged vows--and rings. Blair finally surrendered the dark peace of closed eyes to look at the plain gold band on his left hand. They'd looked at all sorts of rings, and finally settled on something very traditional, something that couldn't be mistaken for anything but a wedding band. He turned his head and looked out the window into the blackness of the night.

Getting someone to cover the last two months of the semester hadn't been as difficult as he'd expected. In the aftermath of the kidnapping and rape, no one really expected he would return to full-time teaching and studying at Rainier immediately. Another teaching fellow had agreed to take over most of his classes, and a faculty member had offered to take on the one she couldn't cover. They had suspended his stipend until he returned, but Jim had made it clear that he not only didn't mind, but liked taking care of Blair until he got back on his feet. In light of that, Blair relaxed into his prolonged vacation, planning to use the time to spend with Jim, and to meditate on his newfound powers as a shaman.

Incacha had taught him one very important distinction--his "power" didn't come in having some bizarre abilities to make the elements do his bidding, but rather in his ability to communicate with the spirits who controlled them. Blair imagined that could be translated into almost any religion--that the shaman communicated with the spiritual powers that be, and brought about changes that way, rather than "waving his magic wand" and making things happen.

That he'd been able to provide the impetus for an incident such as the one that took place at the Redding estate still shocked Blair. It was something that bore further self-exploration, and hopefully, their vacation spot would allow him some good meditation time. A friend of Stephen's owned a house on Waikiki Beach in Hawaii. For a glorious month, it was all theirs. Letting his head droop over to his sleeping lover's shoulder, Blair smiled, contemplating the promise of this time together. And hoping that the physical healing he'd finally achieved would translate into a healthy sex life again. Even the night of their exchanged vows, they'd done a little kissing and then curled up together and slept. The last time they'd made love was when Blair was afraid of the entity inside him and had felt the desperate need to connect with Jim. Only that fear would have propelled him to seek out a sexual experience, and even then, it had been difficult for him to respond.

Jim never pushed. He held Blair while they slept, spoiled him with kisses and cuddles and love names...and refrained from carrying the contact any further without a signal from Blair. Blair had sent no such signals, but then, he really hadn't felt a blip on the old monitor yet when it came to desire. He loved being close to Jim, loved kissing and holding and sleeping all wrapped up together...but the sexual response just wasn't there. Or maybe it was, and he'd been tamping it down for fear of what it would lead to.

He felt good now. Physically, the doctor said he was healed. A part of him still couldn't envision wanting something stretching him and entering him ever again. The terror he'd felt during the rape had been unspeakable, and the pain had been excruciating.

"What's wrong, honey?" Jim whispered. He always said "honey" when he knew Blair was really hurting, and something was really wrong.

"Just some dark thoughts," Blair whispered back. Jim moved to put his arm around Blair and pulled his lover against him.

"You want to talk?" he asked.

"Not about that," Blair answered flatly.

"Okay." Jim checked his watch. "We ought to be landing in a half hour or so."

"Jim?"

"Hm?"

"I didn't mean to cut you off about talking. It's just...hard."

"I know. It's okay." Jim hesitated a minute. "I want you to be clear on something, Chief. Our exchanging vows, and going on this trip--there's no pressure on you to do anything you're not ready for. I wanted us to make a commitment to each other, and to have a nice trip together to celebrate that, and to rest up from all the...crap we went through. If we don't have sex at any point during this vacation, I'm not going to go home mad. Okay? I just want you to understand that."

"I love you so much...I can't even say it right," Blair whispered back, rubbing his cheek slightly on Jim's shoulder. Jim's hand came up to caress the side of his face.

"You say it just fine, baby." Turning, he kissed the top of Blair's head.

 * * *

 The house was a one-floor contemporary with high ceilings and a wall of windows in the living room and master bedroom that overlooked the ocean. There was a deck that ran the full length of the back of the house, and the whole structure was shaded by numerous trees, though it still had a clear view of the sand and water.

"Great house," Blair said, wandering into the master bedroom. "Look at that view."

"It's terrific, Chief." Jim smiled, joining his lover at the window. "Not quite as good as the view in here, but it'll have to do." He slid his arms around Blair and rested his chin on the smaller man's shoulder. "Hungry?"

"Yeah. Let's check the fridge."

Together, they headed to the kitchen, which was a light, airy room with more large windows and a mostly white decor. Jim was delighted to find the refrigerator stocked with fresh foods, just as the owner's housekeeper had promised to do.

"Sandwiches?" he suggested.

"Sure." Blair opened the bread box and took out some fresh bread.

They made sandwiches and found a couple of cold beers to go with them, taking their meal out on the deck. It was a mild night, with a light breeze that carried the fresh scent of the ocean to where they sat at a small picnic table. After they finished eating, both agreed that a shower and bed were next on the agenda.

The shower stall was a large area with three shower heads and a hand-held shower massage.

"So how many people do you think usually take showers in here, Chief?" Jim joked, figuring the homeowner was probably a glutton for luxury, and the habit of excess had followed him into the shower. It did, however, make for a nice environment for sharing, allowing both of them to bathe and enjoy the warm spray at the same time.

"Maybe we should get another shower head installed."

"Sure we should. Where, exactly, would you mount it?"

"Too bad the plumbing wouldn't work to put it at the opposite end of the tub from the other one. Or would it?" Blair pondered, shampooing his hair while they talked. These "asexual" shared showers had been a bit of a challenge for Jim at first, but he was slowly training his cock to stop springing to attention at every brush of wet skin against wet skin. Thinking about what Blair had been through, and all the reasons why rushing him was unthinkable, was usually enough to deflate anything his traitorous cock had in mind.

"Then we'd be showering back to back. I don't think I like that arrangement," Jim said, batting Blair's hands out of the way and finishing the shampoo job himself.

"Don't forget--"

"The conditioner. I won't." Jim was becoming a pro at Blair's hair, having helped him care for it during his recovery, and now just because he liked to do it.

With the hair job finished, Blair happily soaped up and washed Jim's back, then turned while he returned the favor. As they were rinsing off and getting ready to turn off the water, Blair put a hand on Jim's chest.

"I really am trying, Jim. I want us to be together again. I...I know it's hard. I'm really trying."

"I know you are, sweetheart. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."

"This isn't much of a honeymoon, huh? Taking a trip with somebody who can't even--"

"Stop it. Right now." Jim pulled the other wet body against his and held Blair in a tight embrace.

"I want to get better, Jim. I really, really mean it. I'm trying so hard," Blair said, his voice shaking. "But I just... Nothing happens, and I'm scared, and I know that's dumb. The doctor said I was fine now that way, that it wouldn't hurt me for us to go back to normal. I want us to be normal."

"You know what? While we were on that flight, I watched the other couples there. Most of them were bickering or not really communicating much at all. I hear other guys at work bitching and griping about their wives or their home lives. Blair, we've got it so much better than normal right now, the way we are. The rest will work itself out. We didn't come on this trip to have sex, okay?"

"It's a honeymoon."

"We had sex first, then went on the trip. We never have done things in the right order, Chief." Jim smiled as Blair chuckled a little at that. "Come on. Let's get dried off and turn in, huh?"

"Okay. Sounds good," Blair agreed.

 * * *

 Jim came awake with a start, heart pounding, a bit disoriented at first by the new surroundings and by being jump-started out of such a deep sleep. Blair was next to him in the bed, writhing, letting out screams that were pure anguish. Chilled by their resemblance to the cries Jim had heard during Blair's attack, he turned over quickly and went to work at calming his distressed lover.

Gentle touches and soft words did nothing but agitate Blair more until he lashed out, elbowing Jim in the stomach once, and getting in a few good kicks to the larger man's shins before Jim managed to straddle and pin the flailing man in place.

"Sandburg! Wake up! Now!" Jim shouted into Blair's face in his best drill sergeant voice. Blair's eyes shot open, his chest heaving with labored breath. "Blair, look at me!"

"Nooo!" Blair renewed his struggle now, his vehement effort to get free nearly toppling Jim off the bed. "Please! No more! Oh, God, help me, it hurts!" Blair sobbed the last words, a little of the struggle leaving his limbs. "It hurts," he said again through his tears, most of the fight gone from him now as he lay there limply, sobbing, his head turned sideways on the pillow.

Jim released his iron grip on the formerly wild arms and moved off Blair's body, lying back down beside him.

"You were having a nightmare, honey," he said gently, stroking Blair's cheek with the back of his hand.

"It hurts, Jim. Make it stop hurting," he sobbed into the pillow, shifting to his side and curling into a ball. "Make it stop."

"It's over, baby. It's all over." Jim slid in close, holding Blair as best he could given the other man's coiled position.

"In my nightmares, it hurts...like it did then," Blair muttered, finally relaxing enough to fully accept the offered embrace. "I have to feel that pain again."

"I'm so sorry, Chief." Jim kissed Blair's hair, rubbing his back slowly. "I hate that you have to relive that."

"I've been so busy...worrying about us not doing it--"

"Blair, I told you, I don't--"

"I know you aren't putting any pressure on me." Blair pulled back, his eyes still puffy and damp from the tears of the dream. "But maybe it's time that I make myself move forward. You know, I'm getting to a point where I think that I'm trapped in this nightmare, that I can't escape from it, because it's got this power over me, and it's gonna have that power until I... well, until I exorcise it out of my system."

"You mean by us making love again?" Jim asked carefully.

"Sounds crazy, huh?" Blair sat up now, and leaned against the headboard. "Man, that view's really something with the moon on the water, huh?" he observed, looking through the full length windows across from the foot of the bed. "It's so perfect here."

"It doesn't sound crazy at all." Jim pulled himself up to sit next to Blair, but didn't move to touch or embrace him right away. This conversation was better had with clear heads.

"I might chicken out at a crucial moment," Blair said, still staring out at the water. "I don't know if I have the courage to go through with it. I'm really, really afraid, man."

"I know. You have a right to be." Jim was quiet a minute. "You know I'd take 'no' for an answer, no matter when you said it, right?"

"I know that. Doesn't make it fair to you."

"This trip is as much about your recovery as it is about our honeymoon. If this is something you want to try, we should try it, when it feels right for you. If it doesn't work, we'll just figure the timing wasn't right." Jim took Blair's hand now, lacing their fingers. "Your getting hurt wasn't fair. You didn't deserve to suffer that way. As for me, I'm just grateful you're here, alive, sane, healthy and mine. As long as I've got that, I'm not feeling cheated."

"I don't think I'm ready yet."

"We're both tired, it's late, you just had a hell of a lousy nightmare. Let's just take it under advisement, and if the timing feels like it might be right, we'll test the waters a little. It can be tomorrow, next week or next year."

"It's gotta be soon, Jim. I can't take another one of these dreams. I really can't stand to go through that again, even in my head."

"I've got an idea. Come on." Jim got up and held out a hand to Blair, who took hold and followed him. Jim gathered up an armload of bedding and headed out onto the deck. He tossed the sheet over the large chaise lounger, and then stretched out in it, and arranged the blanket over himself so it would accommodate two comfortably. He held it up and Blair grinned, happily fitting himself into the space Jim made for him. Tucked under the blanket, wrapped up tightly in those incredibly strong, gentle arms, Blair rested his head against Jim's chest and listened to the sounds of palm leaves rustling and the gentle lapping of the waves on the sand. The air was just cool enough in the darkness of night to make their little cocoon cozy.

"This is nice," Blair said, sighing and smiling.

"Listen to the water and the trees, and try to relax," Jim said softly. "You're a world away from all that hurt, baby. Let go of it and rest."

"I love you," Blair said.

"I love you, too, Chief. Sleep tight.

"Soon, Jim."

"I know, soon, sweetheart." Jim smiled, knowing what the promise was, knowing the first time they made love was going to be complicated at best. But it would also be beautiful, and special, and the sure sign that Blair was recovering. With his fingers plunged into the mass of soft curls, Blair's warm weight against his side where it belonged, Jim drifted into a deep sleep.

 * * *

 The next few days were lazy days of swimming, relaxing on the beach and taking leisurely trips into town for dinner or to pick up supplies. Blair had been blessedly free of the horrific nightmares for these nights, and overall, his spirits seemed better than they'd been in ages. Jim reveled in the return of the "old Blair" as he taught his partner a few of the fundamentals of surfing or they captured a perfect Waikiki sunset on camera.

It was during one of their many walks along the beach, while Jim was checking how much film was left in the camera they'd just used on the sunset, that Blair broached another difficult subject.

"You never told me what happened...before I came to get you. When you were on the other plane. In Hell." Blair's voice was quiet, and he was looking down at the sand where he was walking, not at Jim.

"That's not something I want to revisit, Chief. It's over."

"I know about the vision of me, of my death--I shared that vision with you. But I don't know what else you saw, and I know that...I can tell that it's still on your mind--or something is. You seem...sadder somehow."

"It's been a rough case."

"Yeah, but it's more than that. I know you, Jim. And I know something is eating away at you and you're not telling me about it."

"It brought up a lot of...stuff I deal with every day of my life on some level. It just brought it back up in a way that...haunts me when I think about it. So I try not to think about it too much."

"What kind of stuff?" Blair persisted gently.

"Jack, Emily, Bud, Peru...all of it," Jim said tightly, his words cold and clipped off.

"How did it bring it up?" Blair laid a hand on Jim's arm, stopping and standing in the sand, near the water that rolled lazily up to the shore.

"Look, Chief, I know you think that talking about this is going to do me some good, but--"

"I know it is. Jim, holding something like this inside..." Blair shook his head. "I told you all the awful details of what happened to me, and at the time, it seemed harder, but when I was done, I felt better. And you comforted me and helped me get through it. I just want to do the same for you."

"I know you do, Chief." Jim's face softened at that and he took Blair's face between his hands. "And I love you with all my heart for that. But you have to understand that what comforts one person isn't comforting to another. Talking about things...it dredges them up again. That doesn't comfort me."

"You actually saw Jack again, and Bud, and the men from your mission," Blair said simply, looking deeply into Jim's eyes. Startled, Jim let go of Blair and stepped back. "I...I'm sorry. I just...somehow, I just...knew. I shouldn't have said anything."

"How did you know?" Jim persisted.

"It was as if, like, all of a sudden I didn't need to ask. It was all just there." Blair looked away for a moment, then looked back at Jim. "I'm sorry, love. I guess I'm your Shaman and you're my Sentinel, and I just know what's hurting you."

"Don't apologize, sweetheart." Jim stepped forward and pulled Blair into his arms. "It's just not something I want to think about." He squeezed Blair tightly and rested his cheek against the wind-blown curls. "I don't want to think about how many people are dead because of me."

"Jim, no--"

"It's true. Jack would still be alive if I hadn't been..." Jim's voice was shaky now, but he added, "And the people who died after Bud...people Aaron killed, an innocent man who died wrongfully accused...and of all the people to survive the chopper crash... Dammit," Jim said, his voice shaking with the tears that were coming now. "Some of those men had kids, wives...and the one who comes home is the one nobody needs. I should have died there, and one of them--"

"No." Blair tightened his hold. "It isn't your fault that they're dead. You can blame Oliver, or the chopper, or whatever--but it is not your fault. And it's not true that nobody needed you. You're a Sentinel, Jim." Blair pulled back, taking his lover's pained face in his hands. "You're part of a very rare breed. This world needs its Sentinels, its watchmen. And I need you so much, every day, with every breath, that it scares me."

"Men left children behind without parents. I came home to nothing. Nobody would have cared back then if--"

"You didn't choose who survived. You can credit that to fate or God or nature or the spirits--but it wasn't you. You didn't choose to have them die so you could live. And as for what happened after Bud's death... Jim, you were a traumatized child. Things are better with your dad now, and he's even trying to accept us, but back then...you were a traumatized child who got no support and no counseling and who was ordered to stay quiet. You're lucky to be sane now, let alone responsible for what you did back then."

"But you can't explain away Jack." Jim started walking again, and Blair feel into step with him. "I was an adult. And an asshole. I had no right to be with Jack's girl."

"His ex-girl."

"Still."

"Jim, it was over between them. And, sure, it wasn't ideal that you were with her, but it wasn't really cheating, either. She wasn't going back to Jack if you didn't sleep with her. And you couldn't have known what was going down with the Brackley case. Besides, you can't be held responsible for your answering machine not working."

"It's not about the machine, Chief. That was one tiny part of it. Considering where I was and what I was doing when he called, even if the machine had worked, I probably wouldn't have heard Jack leaving the message. He paid for that with his life."

"You know, Jim, you might not like what I'm going to say here, and you can feel free to tell me to shut up or fuck off or whatever, but Jack chose to go solo, without backup. You were his partner, but you weren't the only good cop on the force who could have helped him. When he couldn't reach you, he could have called someone else. It was his choice to go it alone. If you had been out for the evening with someone else other than Emily, would you still think it was your fault that he was killed?"

"I was his partner. I should have been there."

"You were his partner. You're my partner and the love of my life--but you're not Superman, Jim. You can't be everywhere at once. You may be a Sentinel, but you're not omniscient and omnipotent--you can't always know where you're needed, and you're still human--still capable of making a mistake like the rest of us mere mortals. I don't blame you for what happened to me with Redding and his goons, and if the truth be told, Jack probably wouldn't blame you for what happened to him."

"But he does. I saw him, Blair. He told me--"

"He told you some ugly things in your version of Hell, Jim. We know that Hell is a place of illusions--look at the whole vision with the funeral home. You were led to believe that if you chose to accept your bond to me that the end result would be death. It was an evil illusion to make you choose the wrong path. Jack showing up and blaming you was the same thing--it was an evil illusion. Besides, do you really think Jack's spirit is in Hell, anyway? Hanging around in the netherworld waiting to exact some sort of revenge on you? Is that the kind of man Jack was?"

"He was a good man. No, I don't think he'd be in Hell, but I also think that what he said when I saw him there was accurate."

"It was a demon in your own head, not a demon who really existed. We don't know all there is to know about the next world--even though we know more than most after traveling there. But the things you faced in that time were things that torment your own mind every day of your life. Only exaggerated and horrific. What worse eternal torment would there be than to spend forever dwelling on the dark shadows in your own psyche?"

"So, you don't think that it had anything to do with atoning for those things?"

"If I knew the answer to that, it would make me the Supreme Being. I don't know, Jim. But my honest feeling, everything in my soul, tells me that it was torment you didn't deserve, that Hell is a place that traps you with your own demons--your own worst fears and nightmares--and that it's a place of illusions and lies. I would never put my faith in something I encountered there. Besides, you've taken more than your share of responsibility for all of those situations." Blair took hold of Jim's shoulders. "You're a good man, Jim. You have a good soul. You're human, and you've made mistakes, and some bad things have happened to you and to people you care for. But that doesn't make those things your fault. And it surely doesn't mean that what you saw is what's waiting for you on the other side."

Jim stared at Blair, again stunned at how the other man had somehow read his thoughts. The terror that had dogged his steps, aside from the residual misery and guilt that had been stirred up by the experience, was that somehow that would be his fate someday when he took his last breath. That he would spend eternity moving among those nightmare worst moments of his life.

"That's what you thought?" Blair asked, pain flaring in his eyes at the thought of the fear Jim had been living with. "You let a demon lead you to Hell to save my life and my soul. You suffered to save me, and you chose our bond when you thought it would mean death. That is not the behavior of a Hell-bound man--unless everything we've ever been taught about right and wrong is a lie."

"I went after you because I can't live without you."

"How evil can you be if you can love another person more than you love yourself? Come on, Jim. You do guilt and self-loathing better than anyone I've ever met, but give it a rest. You didn't deserve to experience what you did, and you didn't deserve to be there. You were there for me--to rescue me. And together, we managed to make it back. If you really belonged there, or deserved the torment you were getting, why would I be allowed to lead you out of there?"

"You probably wouldn't have," Jim admitted, sighing and looking past Blair out at the ocean. "But that doesn't change the past."

"No, it doesn't. And you can't. But you can be sorry for it, for whatever part you had in things going wrong, and then you can move on and live a positive life. That's all any of us can do."

"Whether or not you can make spirit journeys and communicate with the other side, I know you have to be a shaman, sweetheart. You have a wisdom that amazes me."

"I don't think that's any special wisdom, Jim. I just know what kind of man you are, and someone like you could never deserve Hell."

"I love you," Jim said softly, pulling Blair into his arms. After a tight hug, Blair stepped back.

"When you got home from Peru, what happened?"

"I got a couple medals, a few magazine reporters followed me around for a couple of days until they got bored with the story. I couldn't tell them everything about the mission, about my work with Covert Ops, the cases I was involved with when I was military liaison to the CIA..." Jim shrugged. "There was so much I couldn't say that there didn't seem to be much point in talking to them at all. Plus, you know how much I love reporters."

"Yeah, I noticed." Blair chuckled. "But there was some kind of party or...something?"

"There was a reception following the presentation of the medals."

"Was your dad there?"

"We weren't speaking at the time, Chief."

"Carolyn?"

"I met her through the PD, remember?"

"Anybody?"

"Blair, it's in the past. It wasn't a big deal--just a stuffed shirt meet-and-greet with some wine and cheese."

Blair stared at Jim for a long moment, his eyes filling, the vision of a man coming home after eighteen months in the jungle, to be decorated by his country...and nobody really gave a damn that he came back at all. His father and brother probably did, but the estrangement kept them away. All Jim saw were the grieving families of the men who didn't come back. In other words--the people someone would have missed. Swallowing hard, Blair looked Jim in the eyes.

"Welcome home, Jim," he said simply, then grinned broadly, throwing his arms around Jim's neck as Jim encircled his waist and lifted him off the sand, spinning them around a few times before letting Blair touch ground again. When they parted, arms still loosely around each other, both men were wet-eyed, but smiling.

"Thank you for coming home safely so you could make my life so beautiful," Blair said, just before his mouth was claimed in a breath-stealing kiss.

 * * *

 Strangely enough, sex was the furthest thing from Jim's mind as he sat in the chaise lounger in a tank shirt and shorts, Blair resting against his side, sharing a single bottle of beer. Their day had been perfect, solitary and intimate, just the two of them. They'd been swimming, Blair had made his first, somewhat clumsy attempt at standing up on a surfboard, they'd cooked hotdogs out on the grill for a light supper, and now they were just enjoying the sounds of their little corner of paradise as day gave way to night and the water lazily lapped the shore. No, just being here with Blair was enough, and after the heart to heart they'd had about the horrors Jim had been wrestling with on his own, he felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His good humor was irrepressible.

"Can we go inside?" Blair asked quietly.

"Getting too cool out here?" Jim responded, noticing that the night air was getting a little chilly for tank shirts and shorts.

"No." Blair was quiet for a moment. "I want to try."

Jim knew what the words meant, and he cuddled Blair closer.

"So do I, baby. You feel ready?"

"No...but I want to try. I need to try, to see if there's any hope, if I can..."

"We can stop any time."

"I know. I trust you."

"Good." Jim pulled back long enough to plant a long kiss on those inviting lips. "We can do as much or as little as you want."

"Maybe we should get washed up."

"Okay. Why don't you go in and get the shower started and I'll pick things up out here?"

"All right." Blair kissed Jim's cheek and got up, pausing briefly before going the rest of the way into the house.

Jim busied himself with picking up the remnants of their snacks and beverages, sliding the patio door closed and locking it for the night. The shower was running now, and once he heard Blair step under the spray, he hastened to toss out the debris and hurried into the bedroom, shedding his own clothes and going to join his lover.

"Shower feels good," Blair said as he started soaping himself up.

"That's my job, remember?" Jim said against Blair's ear before kissing it, then taking the soap out of the other man's hand.

"And a fine job you do of it," Blair responded, leaning back into Jim, relaxing as the capable hands washed him.

Jim let the touch of his hands against the warm, slick skin infiltrate his senses now, allowing himself to feel aroused and excited by the contact in a way he'd been tamping down since the rape. Blair knew Jim would never push him until he was ready, but Jim also knew that if he was walking around sporting a giant boner every time Blair was naked in his space, it would have been an unspoken pressure to move forward. So he'd used his dials almost frantically, shutting out the scent and feel of Blair's body enough to behave himself. When that failed, he forced himself to remember what Blair's screams had sounded like that night--the fastest way to kill his arousal, his appetite, and his general decent humor for several days following.

"Jim?"

"Hm?" Jim started a little, looking down at Blair. With his arms still around the smaller body, his chest against Blair's back, he'd apparently been just standing there. "I was just enjoying being close to you, Chief." Jim smiled at the troubled face, which broke into a smile.

"I always enjoy that." Blair turned around to face Jim, starting in on his own wash job. "You know, even right after... I never wanted to not touch you, or to keep my distance. It was like I needed to be close to you to be okay."

"We're part of each other, sweetheart. More so than we ever knew before." Jim framed the damp face with his wet hands. "I always knew I couldn't live without you. I never dreamed it would be physical--but it is. That's a rare bond."

"I'm glad we have it. It makes life...nice, you know? I don't have to worry about losing you someday, and I know you'll be careful now."

"I'll try," Jim responded, and Blair laughed.

"No guarantees, huh?"

"Every now and then, I just feel compelled to jump on something in motion. I'll try to do better..."

"Tell you what--you stay off the moving buses, boats and airplanes, and I promise to run around the bed a few times and make you jump for it, okay?"

"Smart ass," Jim chided, laughing. "You do that, anyway."

"You're going to pay for that one, Ellison. It could be a long, cold winter in Cascade."

"You never stay mad at me," Jim replied arrogantly, groaning a little as Blair squeezed his left buttcheek in a soapy hand.

"Not for too long, anyway."

"Time to dry off?"

"Yeah. Our work is done here," Blair announced, noticing that Jim's cock was already at half mast. His own, however, still hung lax and uninterested.

"Blair--"

"It's going to take some patience, Jim," he said softly. "The reaction...just isn't there the way it used to be."

"But you want this?"

"I want to make love with you. I need to be close to you. I don't know how much I can do, or what my responses are going to be, but I need to do this."

"Patience isn't an issue, sweetheart. I'd wait forever for you, you know that. I just don't want to rush you."

"You mean because you're getting excited and I'm not yet? I'm a little rusty, Jim. And there's a lot of stuff going on inside my head that I have to deal with. But I still want to make love." Blair turned off the water. "I'll understand if you'd rather wait until it's a little more of a team effort," Blair said sadly, gesturing at his own lack of response.

"I want to do what's best for you, because I love you. Being with you...it's always going to be beautiful, Chief. No matter how far we go."

"Let's go to bed, huh?" Blair suggested, and Jim leaned forward and kissed him soundly.

"Let's dry your hair first so you don't feel like a wet dog."

"Thanks, Jim. Now I really feel sexy."

 * * *

 Jim turned on the CD player in the bedroom, and the soft sounds of something instrumental began wafting through the room. Blair had to laugh at Jim's suggestion that they dance first--only Jim would suggest standing there, stark naked, dancing together. Still, he happily went into Jim's waiting arms and swayed to the music. He knew Jim could probably feel the tautness in every muscle, and the elevation in his vital signs that betrayed how afraid of this he really was.

Jim continuously assured him there was no pressure, and while Blair was immensely grateful for that sensitivity and patience, he wondered if a little pressure might be a good thing for his recovery. This way, it was too easy to retreat into what was safe, what was comfortable --being held and cuddled and comforted by Jim, with nothing expected in return. Bathing together, moving around naked in each other's space--all without any sexual activity. Geez, Jim, you must be walking around with all the dials on zero or you're hanging invisible weights on your cock to hold it down. Sentinels aren't exactly known for having dull tactile responses.

A part of Blair dreaded feeling anything invading his body ever again. Another part felt the need to face it, and to conquer it--as though the demon who had infiltrated his body and soul would not be completely conquered until Blair took possession of both again fully.

With that thought in mind, he turned his head and darted his tongue out to tease Jim's nipple. The response was immediate as the little peak hardened at the attention, and Jim groaned low in his throat. Determined not to turn back now, Blair latched onto the pert little bud and began to suck in earnest. Jim's fingers were sliding into his hair, holding him there until he broke away and moved to the other side.

"Blair..." It was a breathy moan of pleasure, and judging by the surge in Jim's already straining cock, he was too close to the edge to prolong the torture. Kissing his way all the way down, Blair ended up on his knees on the plush carpeting, nuzzling the velvety sacs, finally sucking one, then the other, into his mouth.

"God, baby...so good..." Jim groaned, arching into the stimulation. Blair shifted his attention from Jim's balls to his cock, engulfing the hard shaft in the wet heat of his mouth, sucking intently.

Jim let out a low, almost animal growl and then a shout of Blair's name as he came, Blair working hard to take it all, every drop, until Jim dropped on his butt on the side of the bed, limp, spent and sated.

"Blair...baby, I wanted to do something for you," he said, taking a hold of Blair's shoulders, guiding him until he straddled Jim's lap. Blair loosely wrapped his arms around Jim's neck, claiming his mouth, sharing with Jim the taste of his own completion.

"You will. But you were too close to play a lot of games now, and you've waited so long for me," Blair said, smiling softly. "And I love you so much."

"It's going to take me a while to get going again," Jim said, kissing Blair's neck, running his hands up and down the expanse of bare back.

"That's okay. It's going to take me a while to get going at all, so we should be all set."

"You're not even hard, sweetheart. If you're not turned on--"

"It's going to take some effort, Jim. That day we made love, right after it happened...I was terrified that if we didn't re-make our connection, that my soul was going to be lost. And my body was healing because of a force that wasn't supposed to be there." Blair paused. "Since everything was...resolved, and since I've been recovering, I haven't felt anything. Not even a stirring. Nothing arouses me. That's not normal."

"Then we shouldn't be doing anything--"

"But maybe that's part of the problem. I feel like there's still something wrong with me. I feel torn between wanting to make love and wanting to tape my asshole shut so nothing ever goes in there again."

"But you still want to make love tonight?"

"I want to try. I love touching you, and being touched by you. We had something really amazing in bed before all this happened. I trust you, Jim. Maybe I just need to venture out on that limb a little and try it."

"Let's work on making you feel good, then, sweetheart." Jim hugged Blair tightly once before standing up, then picked his lover up in his arms and kissed him passionately. When they were both breathless, he gently laid Blair on the bed and straddled him on all fours. "I'm going to make love to every inch of you, angel. Just relax and enjoy it."

"Wait." Blair put his hands on Jim's shoulders, pushing back a little. "I can't do it this way."

"What way, honey?" Jim asked, moving back as if scalded.

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, Jim. But I can't be on the bottom like this, on my back. I can't do it. I feel like I can't breathe." Blair felt the beginnings of a panic attack, and the threat of tears at the thought of messing up this chance to be with Jim.

"Come on, sit up, Chief." Jim sat next to him in the bed, urging him to sit, sliding an arm around his shoulders. "Breathe, honey. Come on," he coaxed, pushing a few stray strands of hair out of Blair's face.

"Is it getting better?" he asked, a few seconds later.

"Yeah," Blair replied honestly. He could feel himself breathing easier, a little of the panic draining away. "I'm okay."

"You want to call it a night?"

"No!" Blair thought wildly a moment. "Can I straddle you instead? Put me on top?"

Jim kissed Blair's temple. "You can be on top all the way if you want, baby."

"I want that, but I don't know if I can do it yet. I need to get past this. I need to feel you in me, and feel good about it again. And I need to have my head together before I can be sure I could make your first time that way good. The first time is hard, and I don't want to hurt you or freak out or something and mess it up so you have a bad experience."

"You want to try, uh, sitting on it?" Jim asked, smiling. And Blair actually had to laugh at that.

"Man, I'll never watch 'Happy Days' with a straight face again," he responded, still chortling. Jim flopped back on the bed.

"Sit on it, Sandburg."

Still laughing, Blair climbed into position, his butt resting somewhere near Jim's still-behaving cock. His face becoming serious, Jim ran his hands up and down Blair's sides, pulling him forward until he could suck a taut nipple into his mouth. Blair braced himself on either side of Jim's head, closing his eyes and letting the delicious sensations of having his nipples licked and sucked travel straight to his languid cock. It stirred a bit, and for the first time, he could feel some interest mounting.

Jim pulled him up further, licking a trail from Blair's chest down to his navel, darting his tongue into the little valley, nipping and sucking at the edges before working on leaving a prominent passion mark on the tender skin beneath it.

"Straddle my face, baby," Jim commanded huskily. His formerly obstinate cock now filling to half-mast, Blair eagerly obeyed, shimmying his way up the bed until he could hold onto the headboard, his most sensitive areas in easy reach of his lover's mouth. He let out his first real groan of pleasure as Jim licked his balls, then took the first oval into his mouth, sucking gently. Strong but gentle hands slid under him and cupped his buttocks, kneading the flesh there. The second oval was then treated to the same suction, and Blair felt his cock surge, filling more, hardening.

Jim ran his tongue up the underside of the engorging cock, licking it over and over again as if it were a popsicle until he sucked the end of it into his mouth.

"Oh, God, Jim...yeah..." Blair's knuckles turned white on the headboard as he attempted not to thrust too hard into the talented mouth. Groaning as Jim tore his mouth away, Blair felt his buttocks being gently separated. He barely had time to think before a hot tongue began teasing the little pucker there, then licking the sensitive skin ardently.

Then just the tip poked inside, and there was a moment when both men froze. Blair took a deep breath and concentrated on the sensation, and found nothing but pleasure in the hot, wet devil that was teasing his delicate tissue. Sensing Blair's relaxation, Jim persisted, using his tongue to moisten and stretch the little ring of muscle.

With Jim's hands kneading his buttocks, his tongue giving a vigorous rimming, Blair cried out in pleasure, feeling his cock surge, at full hardness now. Just as he thought the sensations would carry him over the edge, he felt a pair of firm hands on his hips, moving him downward until he straddled Jim's midsection.

"You're getting close, Chief," Jim said gently.

"Did you bring lube?" Blair asked, tensing up a little.

"We don't have to do it that way, baby," Jim said, stroking Blair's thigh.

"I know, but I want to."

"I got it out of the travel bag and stashed it under the pillow."

"Good thinking." Blair found the tube and handed it to Jim. "Get me ready?"

"Love to, baby." With Blair still straddling him, his butt near Jim's stomach, he was in a good place for Jim to reach under him and start lubricating him. "Relax. Just one finger, okay?"

"I'm ready."

"Don't brace yourself, sweetheart. You're tensing up." Jim paused. "I've got an idea. Stretch out on top of me, huh?"

"But what about--"

"Bear with me on this."

"Okay." Blair stretched out as directed, tucking his head in the cozy spot between Jim's neck and shoulder.

"Keep your legs apart for me, okay?"

"Yeah, I can do that." Blair did feel more relaxed this way, and when the cool, slippery digit slid inside his moist passage, he sighed with pleasure, enjoying the stimulation.

"You're so beautiful, baby. Love you so much," Jim muttered into Blair's hair, picking up the pace with his stretching. When Blair had relaxed into the feeling, the finger was removed, and a moment later, returned with a companion. Blair tensed a little at the stretching, and Jim froze.

"I don't want to be scared of this," he said, feeling more than a little helpless to stop the fear that seemed to bubble up as soon as he felt the stretching begin.

"I don't want you to be scared, honey. We can finish up another way--"

"No, don't give up. I'm trying."

"I know you are." Jim used his free hand to rub up and down Blair's back soothingly. "There's no hurry. We've got all night."

"You're probably going to need it," Blair responded, a little self-consciously. He'd opened up faster for Jim their first time together. Now, his muscles seemed rigid and resistant, protecting him from the invasion even if he didn't want protecting.

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself," Jim chided gently. "Worrying about it is just going to tense you up. Relax your muscles as much as you can. You know, we've already come a long way, sweetheart. You like how this feels, you're responding to me... We don't have to make it all the way tonight. We're already doing great."

"It's now or never," Blair said, looking Jim in the eyes. "It's never gonna get any better for me the first time, lover. I know that now. Make love to me?"

"Whatever you want, baby." Jim carefully withdrew his fingers and Blair moved back far enough to retrieve the lube and coat Jim's erection. Moving forward again, he crouched there as Jim lined himself up with the slick opening. Jim must have realized he had a better vantage point than Blair, because he gently guided Blair's hip downward until Blair's center just touched the tip of Jim's cock.

Willing himself to relax, and looking into Jim's eyes, seeing the love--and the desire--in their depths, Blair moved down slightly, feeling the slick invader stretching him now, sliding inside the initial resistance.

"Easy, baby. A little at a time," Jim managed, his voice a bit strained with his own need, partially encased in the tight channel of Blair's body.

"Oh, man...it feels...big," Blair said honestly, grabbing hold of both of Jim's hands and lacing their fingers, his grip almost painfully tight. This felt right, and it felt good, but a part of him was still waiting for the pain, and he felt himself tensing up again. "I can't..." Tears burned behind his now closed eyelids, the pain of failure washing over him. His body was tensing up, he could feel his breathing getting labored, and he was frozen in the worst possible way.

"Blair, look at me, angel. Come on. Open your eyes."

Where Jim was getting his voice, Blair had no clue. The poor man had his cock partially squeezed in wet heat while his lover was frozen there, on the edge of a major panic attack. Nonetheless, Blair followed the directive.

"Breathe nice and deep. There's no pain, honey. It's not going to tear you. I'm not going to tear you. You're in charge. We don't move unless you want to, and we only move as fast or as deep as you want to. Breathe, baby. Try to relax," Jim's voice was a bit uneven, but it was reassuring, and despite their uncomfortable state, Jim had managed to put his concentration on coaching Blair through the worst of the fear. Feeling his body relaxing a bit, Blair took in a deep breath and moved again, engulfing Jim completely inside of him, his buttocks resting against Jim's body.

"We did it, baby. We made it," Jim said, a couple of tears springing to his eyes and Blair felt his own spilling. Carefully, he leaned down and snuggled into Jim's embrace. A few tears came then, both the relief of getting past what was an enormous milestone and the impact of what they had achieved together, washing over Blair in a wave. He felt the tremor of tears mirrored in the strong chest beneath him.

"We did it," Blair echoed in a whisper, holding onto Jim tightly.

"So good to be with you like this, baby. God, I love you so much, Blair. You feel so good."

Blair rose up a little then, bracing his hands on Jim's shoulders, Jim's hands coming up and caressing his sides and back. Tentatively, he moved a little and, liking the sensation, he tried it again, dragging a ragged groan out of Jim.

"Move with me, lover. I trust you. Come on, Jim. Make love with me."

The invitation was all Jim needed. He started a gentle answering undulation to each of Blair's downward movements, and before long, they were rocking together, their pace still cautious. Then Blair shifted positions a little, bringing Jim's cock into contact with his prostate. With a shout of pleasure, both men concentrated on rubbing that sweet spot, Jim's hand wrapping around Blair's cock and pumping at the same time.

Blair threw his head back, letting out a cry of pure ecstasy, riding the cock that was impaling him, unsure which sensation he wanted more--the slick hand pumping him or the pressure on his prostate that was making him moan and shiver with the intensity of it.

Then Jim let a hand stray up and pinch and roll his lover's nipples, first one, then the other, then back again. With a scream that came from the pit of his soul, Blair rode the waves of his climax, his muscles clamping around Jim's cock, until he slumped forward, braced on his arms, content to let Jim finish taking his pleasure, which came close on the heels of the intense massage Blair's orgasm had given his shaft. Filling Blair's body, Jim finally relaxed. Blair let his equally spent body drape over Jim then, as they remained joined.

"Everything okay?" Jim whispered in Blair's ear, running his hand up and down the damp back.

"Way better than that," Blair responded, smiling. Then he raised up and looked down into Jim's eyes. "I can't believe how much you love me," he said quietly, running a finger along the strong jawline. Jim reached up and captured the hand and kissed it.

"I can't believe how amazingly beautiful it is to be inside you. To get this close again. You're my heart and soul, sweetheart."

"And you're mine," Blair said, then grinned. "All mine," he added, claiming Jim's mouth in a prolonged kiss. Both men lost themselves in kissing, exploring each other's mouths and trailing kisses over faces, necks and shoulders until Jim paused.

"We should probably move," he said, inclining his head toward the point where their bodies were still joined.

"Maybe I'm not going to let you have it back," Blair teased.

"I promise to share it anytime," Jim countered.

"In that case," Blair amended, moving slowly to release Jim, then settling back down in his arms again. "I feel like it's mine again."

"What, sweetheart?"

"My body, my life...as long as I couldn't have control over myself, as long as I couldn't handle something that meant the most to me--us--it was like that thing still controlled me. It was still in charge, not me. I feel like my life, my body, my future...I feel like they belong to me again." Blair smiled. "No, that's not right. They belong to us again."

 * * *

 When Jim opened his eyes, he was disappointed not to find Blair beside him. Sitting up in bed, he looked out the window and let his Sentinel eyesight travel down to a shape on the beach. In the first rays of morning sunlight, Blair sat on a blanket, nude, in a lotus position, perfectly still. Transfixed by the perfect beauty of that sight, Jim got out of bed and walked out onto the deck, heedless of his own nudity, relishing the privacy of their setting. He started a little when Blair jerked a bit, then his head fell back and he seemed to be swaying to some internal rhythm. Jim walked down the steps off the deck into the sand, and walked toward his lover.

He tried to convince himself the slight golden aura surrounding the oblivious man was a reflection of the morning sunlight, but it was fast becoming obvious that Blair was something more than just a man; that his spiritual side had a stunning power to it, and that within him was the ability to walk in another world.

Jim sat on the edge of the blanket and watched the beautiful face in this state of total serenity, total detachment from all things worldly. Then Blair lurched slightly again, his head coming up straight. He opened his eyes and smiled before turning to look at Jim. When their eyes met, he reached out and caressed Jim's cheek.

"Where were you, sweetheart?" Jim asked, capturing the hand and kissing the palm. "With Incacha," he said simply. "He teaches me."

"Teaches you?" Jim prodded.

"To talk to the spirits--but most importantly, he teaches me how to listen."

"With all due respect to Incacha, sweetheart, you've always known how to do that. You listen with your heart, and that's the best way."

Smiling at the compliment, Blair moved into Jim's arms, and the two men made love there on the beach, in the golden glow of the morning sun.