DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).
Madness...so this is what it's like to lose it....no!...don't lock me in....Jack...don't leave me here alone...think...why can't I think...only feel...feel afraid...can't they see it's not me....got to make them understand...Jack,,,got to trust me...please let him trust me...why...you left me here alone...alone....
The word reverbated through Jack like a physical blow. He'd always thought he had a good idea of the loneliness and isolation that Daniel had always felt here on Earth, but he could see now that the depth of his friend's sorrow was a tangible thing...soul deep and never ending....A man cut off from the best part of himself...
'Like when Charlie...'
Jack squelched that thought before it could find its way to Daniel and drag him down even further. To Jack it seemed that Daniel was caught up now in an ocean of despair, surrounded and carried along by that cold, hopeless alone-ness.
Not stopping to think about what he was doing, Jack took a deep shuddering breath and 'dove' into Daniel's mind....
'Weird', he thought, 'so this is what it feels like to be Daniel.'
It was, to say the least, an odd sensation. The mind raced far too rapidly, bypassing the routes that Jack found necessary to cognitive function, yet arriving at a solution with a speed and clarity that were almost frightening...
'Too much stuff in here..."
Jack could only wonder how one person could learn so much in such a short time. Languages, modern and long-dead; cultures, more dead than modern; civilizations, long-dead, modern and otherworldly. Dial-up codes, hundreds of them, Daniel must have memorized every working address. The sheer, unyielding will of the man was enough to boggle the mind. Jack felt like nothing could ever distract Daniel from the pursuit of knowledge, except perhaps the pursuit of Sha'uri...
Jack had never felt anything so intense in his life...
Not that he hadn't loved Sara, he always had, maybe always would, but this....
This was something so completely overwhelming that it threatened to drown Jack for simply observing it. It seemed that Daniel gave his heart with the same passionate focus that he gave to everything else he did...
Beyond that shining point came darkness...That place in the mind where child and adult meet; the child clinging to fears and comforts of the past, the adult struggling to rise above them ever aware that, in the great scheme of things, it was a probably a futile battle.
Dark...don't leave me alone in the dark...
Jack 'moved' toward that child-like plea...
Didn't mean to...my fault...always my fault...please...don't lock the door...
Jack felt anger rising and quickly stilled it. Somewhere someone had made Daniel believe that he was to blame for every bad thing that had happened and had punished him by locking him in a darkened room...a closet?
Moving 'onward,' Jack came to a place of ghosts. It was a place all too familiar to him. All the deep regrets lived in this shadowed place. The lives lost, the abiding terror of roads not taken...and roads taken that never should have been...
Jack passed beyond the ghosts into the realm of nightmare. Images of friends and loved ones dead, decaying...crying out in entreaty and accusation. Jack recognized some of these as the source and substance of Daniel's infamous demon-driven dreams...
**At the moment of impact, the child-Daniel saw the stone shatter...saw the blood...bright and sluggishly flowing from beneath the stone...
**Sha'uri, accusing...beseeching, forever beyond his grasp...
**Her...Her face...Her voice...touching him...invading his senses...pushing away the haze of forgetfulness....leaving him raw and sickened by what he'd done...
"Okay, not a fun place to be"Jack thought as he pushed on to a place where every large and small action had been analyzed and categorized by what should or could have been done to make it better, to have seen it sooner... A vicious cycle of self-doubt and recrimination.
Jack knew that Daniel's intuitive nature had often allowed him to act on instinct and resolve situations thought beyond hope. Jack was more than familiar with the power of should haves and could haves...he'd been caught up in it for far too long himself making life miserable for himself and everyone around him.
Daniel, it seemed, kept his demons to himself...