Author's Notes: This started running in my head last night and wouldn't let go, so y'all are the victims. It's my first attempt at SG-1 humour.
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline, and the actual story are the property of the author.
"Where are they?" Jack O'Neill paced the parking lot, checking his watch for the fifth time in as many minutes. "I mean, they were supposed to be back at two."
"Relax, Jack, they probably got tied up in traffic."
"Yeah, but where are the parents?"
"Parents?"
"Yeah, Danny-boy, the mom-and-dad things that arrive in church parking lots after weekend outings to collect small, very dirty children."
"Oh, them."
"The parents are missing, O'Neill?"
"Yes, well, no, well, I don't know Teal'c. They're just not here and that's weird. We are in the right place, aren't we, Daniel?"
"Yes, Jack. Janet said ... what's that noise?"
"Oh, God."
"Your deity approaches, O'Neill?"
"No, Teal'c. It's the bus. Carter's gonna be in a fine mood."
As another verse of 'Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall' began, Daniel grinned broadly. "Ya think?"
Five minutes later the church bus pulled into the parking lot. A diminutive blond, no more than five feet tall, opened the door, and climbed stiffly to the ground. She was followed by a tall brunette, eyes lined with exhaustion, and relief. The blond turned, and yelled into the bus. "No one moves. Sit, Stay." Turning to her companion, she spoke. "I'll go call Susan."
"Right." The brunette slumped to the steps of the bus as the men of SG-1 approached.
"Only one more time."
Jack, Daniel and Teal'c glanced at each other in confusion, before Jack braved the question. "What?"
She lifted her head out of her hands and stared at the men. "Oh, hello. Which de... girl is yours?"
"Uh, none actually, well, Cassandra Frasier, sort of."
"You're the military dudes. My name's Mary. The lady who just went in search of a phone is Maureen, Mo for short."
Daniel spoke up. "Where are Janet and Sam?"
Mary tossed her head toward the bus. "In there ... with them."
"I see." Daniel winced as the song started again. "Are they all right?"
"Don't know. Haven't seen them in about seven hundred verses."
"Of that?" Daniel gulped.
"Oh, yeah!"
Mo appeared suddenly around the front of the bus. "Susan's doing the calling now. Shall we unload the thundering herd?"
"Do we have to?"
"Well, I really think we ought to rescue Sam and Janet."
The brunette sighed as she stood up. "They're military. They should be used to roughing it. Oh, and these guys came for Janet, Sam and Cassandra. Military, you know."
"We were a little concerned. It's almost three." Daniel smiled at the tired woman.
Mo frowned. "You didn't get called?"
"Called?"
"Yeah, the telephone mom's supposed to call all the parents ... oh, you're with Janet and Sam. Ooops. Sorry."
Jack nodded. "No problem. What happened?"
"Bus broke down. Got hold of Susan to let the parents know we'd be late, but the cell phone died before we could call Triple A. Thank God Sam knew how to fix the belt. Never knew panty hose had a good use. Well, Mary, are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be. Only one more time."
Daniel couldn't stand it. "What do you mean?"
"Sorry, been counting kids all weekend. I don't count sheep jumping fences to get to sleep anymore. Now, I count little girls bobbing up and down in the swimming pool. Unfortunately that image doesn't put me to sleep."
Jack and Daniel suppressed grins, while Teal'c looked confused. "What is bob?"
"I'll explain later, Teal'c, right now, I think we'd better back up."
Mo tossed a set of keys to Jack. "Make yourself useful. Open the luggage bays ... please. But don't unload it. That's Blue Squad's job."
"Yes, ma'am." Jack moved toward the side of the bus, followed by Daniel and Teal'c.
"Blue squad, Jack?"
"Don't ask me, but I'm not doing the lug..." A loud whistle startled all three men. "What the he..., uh, heck?"
"Whoa. Jack, look at this." Daniel's eyes were like saucers in his head. Even Teal'c looked impressed.
Jack lifted the luggage bays and rose in time to see the first of the girls leap from the top steps of the bus.
"Walk down. NO jumping." Mo was screaming to make herself heard as the excited voices filled the parking lot.
Beside her, Mary stood still. "Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one..."
Daniel stared at the wild-eyed children. "How many are there?"
Jack replied, awe in his voice. "I don't know, she's up to twenty-eight now."
"Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three. All present and accounted for, Mo." The other woman nodded as she herded the girls toward the fenced in play-ground.
A familiar voice emerged from inside the bus. "Is it safe?"
The men of SG-1 turned to stare at the bus. Sam Carter stood at the top of the steps, looking around cautiously as she came down, obviously stiff. Janet Frasier also moved slowly down the steps, joining Sam where she sat. "Do Mo and Mary have them?"
"Are we supposed to care?"
"Sam..."
"Yes, they have them under control. They do this every week?"
"Camp?"
"No, meet. Girl Scout meetings."
"Yes. Every Thursday night for two hours."
"Geez. They should get medals. Janet?"
"Yeah, Sam?"
"Never again."
"Right."
Jack finally spoke up. "Welcome back Doctor, Major. I see all present and accounted for."
Sam peered through weary eyes. "Oh, hello Colonel. Do not even think about me saluting right now. Nothing works."
"I see. What now?"
"We sit ... and wait on parents."
A whirlwind suddenly assaulted Jack from the rear. "Uncle JACK!"
"Whoa, hi sweetheart. Did you have a good time?"
"Oh, YESSS, it was WONDERFUL. We got to swim and climb the mountain, and play on the swing-set, and on the slides, and they had a museum, with old stuff in it, you'd have liked it Uncle Daniel, and we got to swim. And there was a tennis court, but they didn't have any balls so we just jumped the net."
The confused men could only nod as the words fell from the child's mouth. Finally Jack spoke up. "So do you want to go again?"
Cassandra's enthusiastic "YES" was barely heard over Sam's and Janet's emphatic "NO's".
Suddenly Jack realized that five little girls were flanking Cassandra. "Who're your friends?"
"Oh, this is Amanda, and Heather, and Julie, and Debbie, and Tiffany. We're Blue Squad. We get to unload the luggage." She then turned to her friends. "This is my Uncle Jack, Uncle Daniel, and my Uncle Teal'c. Only Uncle Jack's in the Air Force." The girls giggled loudly with the introductions, and with the exception of Heather, dove for the luggage.
Heather stared at Jack for a long moment, making the Colonel wonder if he'd suddenly grown two heads. "Yes, Heather?"
"Miss Sam's in the Air Force, too. And she's not even a nurse." There was awe in the child's voice.
Jack barely suppressed a smile. "Yes, I know."
"And," the child continued, "some people hafta salute her, cause she's a minor."
Before Jack could respond, Cassandra's scornful voice could be heard. "That's major, dum-dum."
"Major, Minor, what's the difference?"
"Two letters." A little red-head interjected as she tossed a large canvas bag to the ground.
Jack ducked his head, as Daniel and Teal'c turned away. The two women just sat on the steps, too drained to care what Sam was. Jack smiled. "Actually, Major is a rank in the Air Force. Minor isn't."
The little red-head grunted an "Oh" as she tossed yet another bag to the ground. "HEATHER, come and help!"
Heather obediently grabbed a bag, and tugged, sending three suitcases and a sleeping bag to the ground. As the other five girls shrieked "HEATHER!", Jack turned his attention back to Sam and Janet.
"You two look, uh, tired."
Sam growled an irritated, "Ya think?" as Janet just groaned, then brightened. "Look Sam, cars, cars pulling into the parking lot. Cars with parents. Parents who want their children back."
Sam stared at the increasing number of vehicles, showing more life than she had all day. "There is a God. Never again."
To which Janet, once again, replied. "Right."
Guilt was the only thing that got Sam and Janet to their feet as Mo and Mary directed the children through the chaotic process of collecting their luggage, and rejoining their parents. 'It looks like boot camp, in reverse.' Jack thought. He was also amused to note that suddenly not a single child had the energy left to carry her belongings to the car.
In less time than they would have thought possible, all the children were gone, with the exception of the three that belonging to Mo, Mary, and Janet. The church handyman had appeared from nowhere - Jack strongly suspected the man had remained in hiding while the children ran rampant on the grounds - to reclaim the church bus. Mo and Mary quickly herded their girls to their own cars, still enforcing the camp rules of everyone carries their own belongings.
Cassandra hugged Sam enthusiastically as the two scout leaders drove away, then turned to share the hug with her mother. "This was the best weekend of my whole life, Momma, Sam."
Sam grinned, the tired lines easing on her face somewhat. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, baby."
"And," the child continued, "Miss Mo and Miss Mary said you and Mom can go with us on our next trip, next month."
Janet paled, and Sam turned a little green. "Sweetie, that's nice of them but we may have to work. Yeah, work."
"Oh, I don't know, Carter, I think the General would understand..."
"Sir..."
"...if you wanted to..."
"Colonel..."
"...do this again."
"YIPEEE!"
Sam stared at the child's delighted face. "Oh, yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir." Her voice promised retribution.
"And, Uncle Jack?"
"Yes, Sunshine?"
"Miss Mo says she's really happy that you and Uncle Daniel and Uncle Teal'c can come too."
Janet and Sam broke into wide grins as the faces of the three men stayed carefully neutral.
Jack gulped. "She, uh, is?"
"Ah ha. We're planning on going rafting, and there's got to be an adult on every raft, but none of the other parents really wanted to go so I said you guys would."
"That's, that's nice, Cassandra, but I'm not sure..."
"Oh, sir. I'm sure General Hammond won't mind." Sam grinned broadly at the Colonel.
"Ya think?" Jack knew when he'd been had.
As the group headed toward Janet's mini-van, a childish voice asked. "Momma, do you suppose General Hammond would want to go?"
The chorus of "NO's" could be heard three blocks away as the van left the church parking lot.