DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
"No – you gotta listen to this one! Seriously! How many System Lords does it take to change a light bulb?"
Daniel sighed, reluctantly took his eyes away from the monitor screen and glared narrowly at the man who was slouched up against the table beside him, grinning from ear to ear. Jack, hanging around with his personality high beams on. That meant he was bored. Which inevitably meant HE could kiss his peace of mind good-bye…
"I dunno – JACK, how many System Lords DOES it take to change a light bulb?" Might as well play along. In some cases resistance was not only futile, it only led to even worse jokes….
"Who CARES! Shoot first, ask questions later! Eh?- eh?"
Jack elbowed him so enthusiastically he almost pushed him off his chair. "Do yourself a favour," Daniel grumbled as he resettled himself. "Don’t quit your day job. And speaking of day jobs – I am working here – in case you hadn’t noticed. Would you mind terribly toddling off and finding someone else to play with? Huh?"
Jack affected a look of deep concern and shook his head. "Daniel, Daniel, I’m only here because I’m worried about you. You work far too much, you know that. It’s just not – healthy. You know, all work and no play…"
"Jack, why is it that when you have nothing to do I suddenly work too much?"
Jack shrugged sheepishly and grinned. "Serendipity?"
Daniel snorted and turned his attention back to the monitor screen. "Well any other time and I might actually be tempted to play hooky, but you’re completely out of luck today. I really have to come up with something – on these – articles SG-10 brought back with them from P5N-912. This is a bit of a poser…"
Jack spent a couple of seconds looking over Daniel’s shoulder at the video footage of the site on P5N-912. Another empty crumbly building. Wow – like they hadn’t seen any of THOSE before… He looked about, trying to come up with another way of coming at Daniel, his eyes falling on a collection of small statues sitting on the table to his left. //Hei-io – what’s this… //
He reached for the largest – and ugliest one. Some little gnarly guy with big googly eyes, his thumbs stuck in his ears, palms splayed open, an oversized O-shaped mouth. He turned it over in his hands, dimly aware that Daniel was still talking.
"…the site itself is fairly curious. The nature of the artifacts found and their diversity suggest that it was actually some kind or – repository or museum. At least that was the initial assessment. Most of the artifacts have already been forwarded to Area 51 and they sent me these to see if I could shed some light….but something just don’t make sense. They found so many of the same kind of artifact and each one was identical which would suggest that they were mass-produced…"
Jack found himself examining the back of the statue. There was something there – on the back. Like a little button or whatzit. He pressed his thumb to it, felt it move inward beneath the pressure, heard a soft click.
"#@&!!&&@@#$!!!%%%!!!"
Geez he didn’t even know Danny knew so many bad words. In English, that is!
Startled, Jack looked up. To be greeted by the extraordinary sight of a Daniel Jackson covered from head to toe in a thick layer of white, powdery dust. Like someone with an enormous powder puff had just – sneezed – all over him.
"For crying out loud Danny, what the hell happened to you?"
"Evidently – YOU did!" Daniel cried, springing to his feet, hopping frantically up and down, trying unsuccessfully to shake off his unwanted covering. "That – thing in your hand I don’t know what you did, but it – just shot this stuff out all over me – ohhh my…"
He stopped suddenly, eyes behind his smeared glasses suddenly widening with considerable alarm. "Feel really funny, Jack – don’t like this – ahhhh – SONOFABITCH!!!"
Howling and cursing Daniel began chaffing his arms vigorously, trying to rub off the white coating. "Burns like CRAZY!" he yelled. "Get it OFF!"
Oops! This wasn’t funny. Daniel was in some trouble. Jack hovered uncertainly, watching Daniel’s distress helplessly, uncertain what to do.
"Ah, take it easy, Daniel, maybe we should get you down to the infirmary…"
Daniel wasn’t listening. He was gone. "Off off off – get it OFF!" he screamed. Frantically he clawed at his T-shirt and then ripped off over his head. Geez look at that – the white stuff was all over his skin, even under the shirt. Wonder if that meant….
Daniel was beginning to fumble with his belt. Oh boy.
Jack quickly stripped off his jacket, wrapped it around Daniel and started to hustle him out the door and down the hall. "Showers," he said grimly. Daniel’s response wasn’t particularly articulate but it was loud and colourful.
"So, how’s our boy?" Jack addressed the man in the bed in a benevolent voice, trying his damndest – not to laugh.
"Well for someone who looks like an enormous SMURF not too bad, thanks for asking!" Daniel’s tone was very low and very, very dangerous.
Also completely wasted on him. "I really wish you hadn’t said that," Jack felt himself starting to shake. "Look on the bright side. It doesn’t burn anymore and at least – you go with your eyes…"
"Oh, that’s so comforting," Daniel snarled. "Nice to know I’m colour-coordinated. Wouldn’t want to – clash…"
That was it. He was done. Daniel might hate him from now until doomsday but if he didn’t let this out he was going to explode. He collapsed on the bed, racked with laughter, aware of Daniel’s angry eyes on him but completely unable to – give a damn.
"Something I can do for you, Lieutenant?" Daniel snapped. Jack turned to see a man he vaguely recognized as an admin type standing there staring at Daniel – mouth and eyes wide. What was he doing down here?
"Wow…." The man breathed. "They weren’t kidding. Holy shit! You’re – BLUE!"
"You don’t say!" Daniel yelled at him. "You’ve had your peek – now why don’t you get the hell out of here and go tell the rest of the base so they can come in here and STARE at me TOO!"
As the lieutenant beat a hasty retreat Daniel jabbed an angry finger after him. "You see that! You see! See! He wasn’t the first and he sure won’t be the last. Take a PICTURE, it lasts LONGER!" he yelled at no one in particular.
Sam entered the room at that moment, crossing to the bedside with a bright, fixed smile on her face. She gave the laughing man a non-too-gentle whack on the head as she scolded. "Sir! Stop that! How are you doing, Daniel?"
Daniel smiled gratefully at her. "Okay, all things considered. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Janet doesn’t know how long I am going to be like this. Technically I can leave if I want to – but…"
Carter nodded sympathetically. "I can see why you wouldn’t be too anxious to be wandering around at the moment."
"Did you contact Area 51?"
"Yup, and that batch of stuff they collected from P5N-912? Well, if it makes you feel any better, you have a lot of company. Those things were going off all over the place. Every single artifact was loaded – with something. Nothing harmful. Just caused a variety of inconvenient physical effects like this one. Almost as if all the artifacts were the alien version of – squirting flowers and joy buzzers."
Jack had recovered himself a bit and joined in the conversation. "So what you are saying is they think what SG-10 discovered on P5N-912 was somebody’s collection of – gags and practical jokes?"
"Something like that," Carter grinned, a sudden wicked glint in her eye. "Ah Daniel, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I was just wondering. Nice shade of blue – is it – everywhere? That is to say, is EVERYTHING – blue?"
Jack could feel Sam’s hand clutching his arm tightly as she awaited Daniel’s answer.
"Yes!" he snapped angrily! "Everything! Happy now?"
"I can vouch for that!" Nurse Clark interjected as she bustled past. "Hi Daniel. See you later,"
"Oh, Woad is me!" Daniel groaned as he fell back in the bed and pulled the sheet over his head. Sam collapsed onto the floor in a helpless pool of laughter.
"Aw come on, Daniel," Jack said in a placating voice to the man in the bed. He was actually starting to feel pretty bad about all of this. "It was an accident. You know I didn’t mean…"
"Go away!" came the petulant response from beneath the sheet.
At that moment Teal’c entered the room. Jack had been wondering where the Jaffa had been. Well, he was pretty sure he could count on Teal’c not to laugh at Daniel. "Teal’c" Jack began happily. "Good to see you. Wanna help me cheer up little boy blue here?"
"I believe I can be of considerable assistance in that regard," Teal’c replied as he reached Jack’s side. "DanielJackson," he said, a little loudly. "I have returned."
Daniel threw back the sheet and hurriedly sat back up. "Teal’c!" he said brightly. "Great! How did it go?"
"It went very well," Teal’c replied, never taking his eyes off Jack. "Your request has been successfully carried out. You will be happy to know that you WILL be avenged."
Teal’c continued to stare at Jack, holding his eyes. Slowly, his face began to change. An enormous grin evolved across his features, spreading them wide into an uncharacteristic, and entirely ominous - smile. HUGE smile! He held it there as he backed away from Jack, coming to rest at the head of the bed beside Daniel, where he took up a position with his arms crossed across his chest, that big smile still firmly in place.
Daniel looked pretty happy himself. Why did that suddenly make him feel – really nervous?
Sam? A little backup here? He looked down to see that she was now lying on the floor, arms wrapped around herself, laughing helplessly. Great. Big help YOU are, Major.
"Perhaps you should go and get the doctor," Teal’c boomed. "Major Carter looks as if she needs assistance."
"Ah, maybe I’ll just…" Jack started to back away, starting to feel decidedly – menaced.
"Oh Jack," Daniel said quietly, a satisfied smile on his face. "When you least expect it – "
"Expect it," Teal’c finished, in a voice that sounded like the last trump of judgement.
Jack continued to stammer as he backed out of the room. "Think I hear my mommy calling..."
He turned – and fled, looking back over his shoulder as he exited stage right.
Teal’c turned to Daniel and nodded. "You were correct, DanielJackson. That was very enjoyable. I did not have to do anything at all, just say that I did."
"Yeah." Daniel grinned back at him. "You know that and I know that – but he’ll go nuts waiting for something that is never going to happen. Until we tell him. Whenever. No rush. Let him stew for awhile. We’ll just see who gets the last laugh…."