Author's Notes: Hello to the Neves!
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
“Thank you, Samantha.”
“Oh please. You can’t blame me, Sir! It the government on this planet that’s flawed.”
“Jack, who really cares who’s fault it is? All that matters now is that we have to get out of here.”
“At least Teal’c escaped.”
“We think.”
“So this is just great. I’m stuck here, on some stupid planet where the natives speak probably the only language you don’t know, Daniel, in prison, because certain people here who shall go nameless, tried to stop the selling of a hot chick to some ugly guy. Might I add, both people in prison with me are scientists who both can babble nonstop.”
“Sir, I had to try to stop it! It’s not right! And look who’s babbling now.”
“Yeah, yeah. I remember when you got sold to that tribe-”
“I remember, Sir, but let’s not get into that right now. Or preferably, never.”
“Hah! You two sound like an old married couple.”
::Sam and Jack glare at Daniel::
“What?! You do!”
“Ahem, new subject, please. So Sir, isn’t this a nice place?”
“Peachy. Just peachy. A little paint, a fireplace in the corner...”
“...It’ll be just like home.”
“Sam, Jack, you are really scaring me.”
“Why, just because we finish each-”
“-Other’s sentences?”
“Yes! I swear it!”
“Well. Carter, you’ve got the brains. How are we going to get outta here?”
“Excuse me, Jack? Did you not see me? In the corner? Anthropologist, speaks 23 languages? Daniel Jackson? Recognize me? First mission?”
“Gosh, Daniel, don’t be so touchy. In this situation, Carter will most likely get us out.”
“Oh, what an honor to be so regarded, Sir.”
“So any ideas, Sam?”
“Well let’s see. The walls are brick and stone. The door is some metal that I don’t recognize. There is no window, and the floor looks to be granite. Our weapons were confiscated, and we have no cell phone to call AAA or 911 with.”
“So any ideas, Sam?”
“Sir, there is no way out. Do I have to spell it out for you? We are stuck.”
“May I voice my opinion?”
“You will anyway.”
“Jack, come on. It won’t be so bad. I can probably learn the language... Might be a case like on Abydos, only needing to know the vowels. These people are human, they must have come from Earth or a planet whose habitants were. The language they speak must have originated on Earth.”
“Fine, Daniel. Who’s going to teach you the language? I don’t think the chief here wants to marry his daughter off to some foreigner, like Kasuf did.”
“...the chief has a daughter, Sir?”
“No! Sam, just... go with it.”
“All right.”
“Daniel, reality check. Our only hope for escape is if Teal’c got away. Teal’c could be dead or dying now.”
“Aren’t we just being Mr. The-Glass-is-Half-Empty now?”
“I’d prefer to be called anything other than that, actually.”
“If I can call you anything other than that, can I call you Mr. Clean?”
“...Daniel? Where did that come from?”
“I don’t know, Sam. I guess I just looked at the floor and saw how dingy it looked. This place sure could use a Mr. Clean right about now.”
“Danny, if it makes you happy, you can call me Mr. Clean. Are you sure you didn’t get bonked on the head while the natives were dragging us here?”
“Oh ha ha. If you’re Mr. Clean, then who are you, Sam?”
“Oh please. Just Sam, Daniel. Just Sam.”
“No, I have to side with Daniel on this one. If I’m Mr. Clean, you really have to be someone... the Dairy Queen?”
“Nah... Pick something more unusual. How about Mrs. Butterworth?”
“No way! Daniel, pick someone nice. I’m not even married!”
“I can’t think of anything with a title. Can we just call you Windex and go with the cleaning theme?”
“So I’m Windex?”
“Yeah.”
“Well... Okay, but only if you’re something.”
“I’ll be Lime-Away.”
“You know, it’s too damn bad Teal’c isn’t here.”
“Why is that, Sir?”
“Well, wouldn’t he be the perfect Mr. Clean?”
“Ha! I see the resemblance now.”
“Sir, I think you have gotten carried away.”
“Ya think? Well what else are we going to do, Sam?”
“It’s Mr. Clean, Lime-Away, and Windex to the rescue!”
“Oh great.”
“What... fun.”
“Hey, guys, look on the bright side... We all get to bond!”
“Oh joy! Sam, no offense, but this isn’t the way I want to spend my last day on Ear- I, um, of life.”
“We are not going to die! I said that once before and it worked.”
“So...”
“Yeah...”
“We have nothing to say to each other, do we guys?”
“Make something up, campers. That’s an order. Pick a topic.”
“So, uh, Jack, if you had to pick one piece of music that would describe you, what would it be?”
“Daniel, what kind of no-good question is that?! Let me do the asking. Sam, if you had to choose one planet in which to live out the rest of your life, which one would it be?”
“Oh, that’s a better question indeed.”
“What was that, Daniel?”
“I said...ah... The horses need some feed.”
“Whatever. Carter?”
“Umm... The Nox world, I’d have to say.”
“Nareem?”
“Yeah. You, sir?”
“Nox or Argos.”
“Kynthia?”
“Yeah. Damn, why are all the good people on other planets?”
“Jack! Watch your mouth! You’re hurting my virgin ears.”
“Phh! Your ears ain’t virgin, Daniel.”
“Sir, you’re wrong. We are good people.”
“Um... Sam?”
“Oooh, that did come out wrong, didn’t it? Forget I said that.”
“Said what? Said what?!”
“Thank you, Daniel.”
“You didn’t answer the question, Daniel.”
“You didn’t ask me. It would be Abydos. It’s my home. Sha’re or no Sha’re.”
“Yeah.”
“I know.”
“I hope Teal’c escaped.”
“Ya think?”
“No, I mean, really.”
“We all do.”
“Yeah.”
“Great. Our conversation is so intriguing.”
“We have nothing in common, none of us.”
“Sam, you and I do. We both care about cultures.”
“I don’t have half as much as you do. I could give or take Minoan culture any day.”
“What about me? I don’t give a rip about culture.”
“Trust me, Jack, I know.”
“So... what are we going to talk about. Daniel, Sir, any ideas?”
“Are Ally McBeal’s skirts too short?”
“You watch Ally McBeal, Sir?”
“Every week. I love it!”
“I don’t think they’re too short, let the girl wear what she likes. Freedom of expression.”
“Carter, it’s good to know we agree on something.”
“You like her short skirts, Sir?”
“Oh yeah!”
“Um, Sam, Jack, I hate to sound like Teal’c here, but what’s Ally McBeal?”
“Oh Daniel, while you were off studying ancient Abydonian/Egyptian culture, you could have been home studying Earth culture.”
“TV show?”
“The greatest.”
“Ah.”
“Well, here’s another lull in the conversation.”
“Isn’t this nice.”
“Peachy.”
“Jack, what did you want to be when you were a kid?”
“Like when I grew up? I wanted to be a rock star.”
“You’re kidding, right, Sir?”
“No! Really. A few of my friends and I actually recorded a single.”
“What was it called, Jack?”
“Not a chance. It was really stupid. I think there were only fifty copies made, and I’ve personally destroyed twenty of them.”
“Sing it, Sir.”
“Not a chance in Hell. Well what did you want to be, Carter?”
“A mechanic. I wanted to fix cars.”
“Hah! I can just see you doing that! At least I always knew what I wanted to be.”
“And you became it?”
“Yeah. Easily. I became handsome.”
“Psshhhhhh. Yeah, Daniel. Right.”
“You mean you don’t think he’s handsome, Sam?”
“No way! He’s too cute to be handsome.”
“...You think I’m cute?”
“Like a baby brother.”
“Oh. Well, that’s better than nothing.”
“Am I cute, Sam?”
“Ah... No comment, Sir.”
“Come on, Carter. I’ll make it a direct order.”
“And then I’ll say I won’t do anything to hurt my commanding officer’s feelings.”
“Ouch!”
“Sam, I never understood why girls always used the word ‘cute’.”
“Well, Daniel, I think it was because... Well... I don’t really know, exactly.”
“Can we change the subject?”
“Still sore from that hit, Jack?”
“No comment.”
“Ooh, that means yes. Sam, you pick the topic now.”
“Let’s do something else.”
“Like what, Carter? Tag? Hide and seek?”
“No, like Daniel will ask you a question, and I’ll answer it from your perspective.”
“Only if I ask the questions, okay Carter?”
“Whatever, Sir.”
“Sam, if Daniel could hear one person’s voice right now, who’s would it be?”
“I know that one, Sir. He’d want to hear Sha’re.”
“Nope.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“I’d want to hear Teal’c. Under normal circumstances you would be right, though.”
“Hah! The score is zero the zero.”
“Wouldn’t I get that point?”
“No, coz otherwise you might pick weird things on purpose.”
“Oh.”
“Daniel, if Sam had to marry one person on SG-1, who would it be?”
“Objection! Sir, I can’t marry anyone on SG-1!”
“Well, you’re being forced.”
“Um, Sam would marry Jack.”
“Sam? Is that true?”
“I would marry no one.”
“Would you marry me? Sam, you have to cooperate.”
“Why?”
“Fine. The score is zero to one, Daniel in the lead because Carter won’t play right.”
“Well, not only am I not allowed, I wouldn’t want to.”
“Fine, Sam. We’ll do something else. Daniel wins.”
“Oh yipee. I am the ruler of the universe.”
“Up for a game of charades, Carter?”
“Are you kidding? After the last game I’m not sure I’d ever want to play a game with you again.”
“Okay, let’s do something productive. Daniel, you pound on the door. Carter, scream bloody murder.”
“No! Jack, if I pound on the door, they might take it as a threat and kill us.”
“...Sooner.”
“What, Sir?”
“Nothing.”
“I won’t scream, Sir. They will get the impression we’re a violent race.”
“Gee, Carter, where would they get that idea? You attack the biggest guy in town and try to kidnap his daughter?”
“I was saving her.”
“Not from their perspective.”
“I think I should start an SG team made up of women for women.”
“Huh?”
“We’d go to all the planets just to make sure the women were being treated like regular citizens.”
“Sam, no offense, but they would never authorize that. It was tough getting me on SG-1, and I am very useful person.”
“Are saying that a woman SG team wouldn’t be useful?”
“No, Sam, no! Just that... It won’t do Earth any good right now. Fighting the Goa’uld will, and getting allies.”
“Yeah... but still.”
“Jack, are you okay?”
“Just thinking.”
“About what, Sir? Hey do you hear something?”
“O’Neill! Captain Carter! Daniel Jackson!”
“Teal’c! We’re in here!”
“It is all right. There, you are now free. The people thought that Captain Carter was a Goa’uld choosing a new host. I was able to communicate with them using pictures, and they understand now.”
“That’s great Teal’c. Now let’s go home, I’m pooped.”
“But Sir, we should reinterpret their laws so women are free!”
“Carter, much as I’d love to stay, we’ll save that for another trip.”
“Really Sir? We’ll come back? You would?”
“Heh. I’m not as indecent as I seem, Carter. You’d be surprised.”
“Okay... But I still wouldn’t marry you!”