Archive: SWAL if applicable; anywhere else, please ask
Archive Date: April 24, 2000
Author's Website: http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/theglobe
Category: POV, angst
Disclaimer: Lucas owns it all, and I'm not getting anything but creative satisfaction in return for this
Feedback: Please! I'm not an experienced slash writer, so suggestions are welcome :-)
Notes: This idea is unfolding in my head as more like a slow developing series rather than a quick story, so it may take a while to get started with the slashy stuff. I kinda like to let anticipation build anyway. ;-) My goal is to work on it and post a bit daily, kind of like a slash soap. I hope that's okay. ::g::
I've decided there's a line from the Santana song "Smooth" that should be an introductory quote for this series: "Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it."
Pairing: O/Maul
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Obi-Wan meets up with a face from his past

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It's been six months, and the pain is still with me every waking moment just as sharp as it was the day it happened.

I got called before the Council today, not officially or anything. They just wanted to tell me they'd noticed the difference in my behavior lately, that I seemed "unlike myself."

Thank you for that brilliant observation, O revered Jedi Masters.

I don't FEEL like myself. How can I? Part of me is gone, torn away in the crimson flash of a 'saber blade. Only my wound wasn't cauterized, it's still bleeding, and I don't know what to do to get it to stop.

I'm trying to focus on training Ani like he wanted me to, and I guess I'm probably running the boy too hard just so I'll have an excuse to keep myself busy. While I've got something to occupy my mind and exhaust my body, I can forget for a while, you know? I can drive myself to exhaustion, but that's not an answer. And it's not like it stops me from thinking and feeling when I'm alone. In the privacy of my own head, the loneliness is still there. The memories still rise up, playing over and over again and I keep thinking, "If only I'd been faster, if only I hadn't let myself get knocked off the catwalk, if only he had waited for me so we could face that thing together."

That's a lot of ifs, and they do no damn good.

So I'm still not myself. They're calling me withdrawn and I know Ani is half-scared of me, this child who's not afraid to hop in the cockpit of a strange ship and blow up space stations. He's afraid to question me about anything, he just does what I tell him to do even if I can feel the fatigue or resentment or despair rolling off him like a wave.

So much for a close Master-Padawan bond. I won't even drop my shields for him half the time.

Withdrawn? Yes, I think that's a pretty fair assessment. But I don't even care anymore. He's gone, and my life is empty.

I don't ever want to care so much for another person again.

Maul's Personal Log:

Success.

I have found the Jedi.

He was where I thought he would be: the Temple on Coruscant.

It is the last place I should be. If my Master learns of my presence here, I will die. It is a risk I am prepared to take. The prize is worth any price if I can obtain it.

I have shielded myself carefully. My Master will not be able to sense me unless he searches for me deliberately. I have remained in hiding all these months and planted rumors of my own death in hopes that he has abandoned the search by now.

His plan failed in more ways than one.

We revealed ourselves to the Jedi. The master was killed.

Now I will reveal myself to the apprentice. I do not know how it will end this time.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Master Windu called me into his office for a little "friendly chat" today.

Hah!

The voice-piece of the Council speaks!

He's "concerned" about me, and he wants me to visit the Healers. In fact, he's already set up an appointment for me. How convenient.

Translation: They're afraid I'm going to terminally screw up the kid.

They don't understand. The Healers aren't going to do me a damned bit of good. There's nothing wrong with my body or my mind. It's my heart that's been shattered.

No amount of Bacta or Force-healing can fix that.

Maul's Personal Log:

The Jedi has not left the Temple in the two months since my arrival on Coruscant.

He remains safely hidden behind those ancient walls. I remain outside, unable to breach them without betraying myself to the Council and to my former Master.

This is problematic.

He must come out eventually, however. When he does, I will be waiting.

I have learned the value of patience.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I was called before the Council again today. I'm beginning to feel like him, always being summoned and made to account for myself.

"Eight months is too long to indulge in excessive grief," they said. Like I can turn my emotions on and off for their convenience? I think not.

So...I've been relieved of duty.

Master Windu and Master Yoda will take over Anakin's training for a while, I'm to leave the Temple for an entire month--they don't care where I go, they're just kicking me out--and while I'm gone, they're going to move my quarters.

They're going to pack up all his things and get rid of them for me because obviously the task is too great for me to handle myself. Did they ask if I want to leave our quarters? No. They simply decided it was the best thing for me, that being surrounded by ghosts and memories is hindering my grieving process.

All right, no. I haven't moved any of his things. His bedroom is exactly the way he left it the morning we left for Naboo. It's not because I expect him to walk through the door any minute. I know better than that. It's just...

It's comforting. I can go in there and touch his belongings, breathe in the scent of him that still lingers in the folds of his clothes, and for a while, he's with me again. I feel whole again.

It doesn't last, of course, but still...I need that little bit of contact with him. He was taken from me so suddenly, I never had a chance to adjust. Just RIIIIP! and he was gone from my life, from my mind, from my soul...and now they want to take everything else from me as well.

I won't let them.

When I pack to leave on my enforced R&R time, I'll take a few of his things with me to keep them safe. I can't let them dispose of everything; there's little enough left behind other than memories. He was so unattached to material things, he didn't have much to begin with. I can't just let them erase his life.

They're giving me an order, and I will obey.

I'll go. But I'm taking him with me.

Maul's Personal Log:

The Jedi has changed.

Finally he has left the Temple. I do not know why. His apprentice is not with him, and he does not appear to be on a mission. He does not appear to be leaving the planet at this time.

I have followed him closely, determined not to lose him if he goes off-planet. However, he has done nothing for the past two days but wander around Coruscant. If I did not know how focused and purposeful the Jedi are, I would say he seems adrift.

When last I saw him on Naboo, he was filled with energy and emotion. It radiated from him in an almost visible glow.

That light is dimmed.

I almost did not recognize the shell of a man who left the Temple. Did the loss of his Master extinguish his inner light as well? Perhaps their bond was greater than I imagined.

This is problematic.

It is not an insurmountable problem, however.

I am patient. I will continue to wait.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Gods...

Gods, no...

How could this be happening?

It died! I killed it! I saw it fall into the shaft!

How could that monster be here on Coruscant? But I saw it--that face that's haunted my nightmares for nearly a year--that horrible, evil thing is here, and it's stalking me. It wants to finish the job it started on Naboo, but I'll kill it. If it comes anywhere near me again, I won't hesitate this time, I'll kill it where it stands, no matter that Jedi are only supposed to defend, not attack. It's trying to kill me again, and that's reason enough.

I don't care what the Council ordered--I have to go back to the Temple, I have to tell them that the Sith creature has returned.

Gods...Why didn't I strike it down again when I had the chance?

Maul's Personal Log:

Our first meeting did not go well.

I confronted the Jedi while he was walking in a topiary park in the Garden District. We were alone. He turned around, alerted by the Force of my presence. His face drained of all color. He drew his lightsaber and ignited it.

I unclipped my own lightsaber and tossed it at his feet. I spread my hands away from my body to show him I was unarmed and did not intend an attack.

He did not lower his weapon. I did not move. I looked at him.

Up close, I was better able to see the changes. He is thinner. Gaunt. His eyes are haunted. I can imagine by what. I saw the loathing in his face when he looked at me. I could feel his hatred roiling against me. Once I would have savored it. Reveled it in. No longer.

"You're dead!" he snarled.

"No."

I remained still. I did not want to provoke him into acting in haste. That would have proven unpleasant for both of us.

"How is this possible?" he demanded. "I killed you! I saw you die!"

His anger was directed at me, but I was pleased to see it. The spark of life I saw within him on Naboo is not extinguished. Merely dimmed. There is hope of rekindling it once more.

"I will explain," I told him, but he waved me silent.

"I don't care! I don't want to hear it! I just want you dead, you monster!"

One mis-step on my part, one uncertain word. That is all it would have taken. He would have cut me down where I stood. Further discussion was pointless. I turned and began to walk away.

"What about this?" he called out.

When I looked back, he kicked my lightsaber viciously. He probably wished it was me.

"I have no further use for it."

I left him.

He will return to the Temple and inform the Council of my presence. Once they know, my former Master will know. I must reach them first.

Going to the Jedi Temple, approaching the Council... this is not what I planned, nor is it what I wish to do. I no longer have a choice, however.

I can only hope they will be more willing to listen to me than he was.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

"Your focus determines your reality," my ass.

If that was true, none of this would be happening.

It's a nightmare. It's got to be. This is a nightmare, and I just have to wake up.

Pauses. Rakes his fingers through his hair, sighs audibly and looks away.

Gods...

I can't believe they did this to me. This is just...

Breaks off and covers his face with both hands.

It's too much to ask. They have to know that. I don't care what it said! I don't believe it! I don't want that thing anywhere near me! I want to kill it! I want to look it right in the eyes and run it through just like it did...I want it dead. I want it to stay dead this time. I want it to die slowly and painfully by my hands. I want it to know just how much I hate it as it dies.

I can't...I can't possibly...

Shakes his head, beginning to tremble visibly

It's too much. It's just too damn much to ask...

Maul's Personal Log:

Our second meeting did not go well either.

As soon as I entered the Jedi Temple, I was detained and taken before the Council. This is what I wanted.

I was searched for weapons and mentally probed before I was allowed to enter the Council Chambers. They found nothing. I did not plan to attack anyone.

When I entered the Chamber, I looked around, assessing each member. I did not know their names or their ranks. However, I could sense which Jedi among them was the strongest and most venerable.

I knelt in the center of the circular room, facing the small, wizened Jedi who I learned during my audience was Master Yoda, a name I had heard mentioned with contempt many times before by my former Master.

"What do you want here?" A dark-skinned man sitting next to Master Yoda demanded. He appeared calm, yet I could sense anger and distrust beneath his surface tranquility.

I was the focal point of negative emotion for all of them. They knew me. They knew what they thought I had done: killed their best warrior.

I was not welcome.

"Sanctuary," I replied, meeting the man's eyes and seeing the accusation deep within them.

"You're a Sith!" Another Jedi--a female--exclaimed. "You killed Qui-Gon Jinn. Why should we give you sanctuary now?"

"I was Sith." I turned my gaze to Master Yoda, speaking to the room but focusing on him. "No longer. Nor am I the murderer of Qui-Gon Jinn."

There were cries of "What?" and "Impossible!" throughout the circle. I ignored them and continued to look at Master Yoda, who gazed back at me steadily, his green eyes giving away nothing.

"You're lying," the dark-skinned man declared. "We have a witness. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi saw you kill his Master."

Obi-Wan Kenobi...At last a name. Obi-Wan...

He stops speaking for a minute or two, staring off to one side as if deep in thought. Abruptly he collects himself and begins speaking again as calmly as if no interruption had occurred.

I repeated the fact: I did not kill the Jedi.

They demanded an explanation. I was willing to give it, but Master Yoda silenced them.

"Summon Jedi Kenobi."

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It sickened me to see that creature kneeling in front of Master Yoda and the rest of the Council. Like it was some kind of penitent waiting for absolution.

And they believed it! They believed its lies!

Breaks off, draws in several deep breaths and continues.

I was on my way to seek an audience with the Council myself when one of the attendants found me and said I'd been summoned. I couldn't imagine why, until I saw that thing in the room, and then I knew. I wondered if it had been captured or if it had come of its own accord. I couldn't imagine it would do that, however, so I was sure someone else had seen it and brought it here.

Then they said it had come alone and unarmed (only because I have its weapon, but I didn't tell them that) and

curls his fists, his breath rapid and shallow, the next words ground out through clenched teeth

it claimed it didn't kill him.

I saw what happened! I know it killed him, there's no way it can deny that! I don't care what kind of stupid lie it came up with to "explain" what happened. I know! I don't believe it. I'll never believe it! Never!

Maul's Personal Log:

I am beginning to realize what kind of challenge I face.

Obi-Wan's resistance to the truth is astounding. I understand his loyalty to his Master and his desire for revenge. What I do not understand is this deep denial. What I sense from him goes beyond loyalty to something much deeper.

Love?

Puzzled look and tone

Were they lovers?

A slight nod

That would explain much.

It does not, however, help my situation in the least.

Breaks off, laces his fingers together tightly and resumes speaking in a calmer, more even tone

I did not mind that they summoned Obi-Wan before they allowed me to tell my tale. I wanted him to hear the truth from me.

When he arrived, he appeared shocked and then appalled to see me. It astonishes me to see how open his young face is. Despite his training, his emotions are right there, bubbling at the surface. No calm, stoic manner for him. I remember watching as he waited behind the laser barrier to join the duel. Unlike his Master, who knelt to ground and center himself before entering the battle, Obi-Wan danced impatiently, eager for his chance to join in.

The anguish in his voice, on his face a few moments later...I do not think I shall ever forget it.

Falls silent again

Finally I was given permission to speak. I explained what they did not know.

My former Master considered me too valuable to risk in combat with two of the best warriors from the Jedi Temple. He wanted to strike at the Jedi, yes, but he did not wish to lose one of his most formidable and valuable weapons in doing so.

Thus when the final confrontation occured on Naboo, I was relegated to the role of observer. The actual participant was a clone.

My Master had created the clone in preparation for this battle which he knew would come. It possessed my strength, speed and skills, but it had been created with the capacity only to hate and the desire to kill. It was utterly without mercy, compassion or love.

I cannot claim that I was entirely possessed of those qualities. My Master's training sought to eradicate them in me entirely. But the human heart is a resiliant thing. It cannot be forever denied.

Another pause

I was ordered to allow the clone to attack the Jedi. I was to step in only if the clone were defeated. It killed the Master, but its hatred and arrogance were its undoing. It paused to gloat over a fallen enemy who seemed to be in a deadly situation.

One should never underestimate an opponant who has the Force on his side, whether it be the Light or the Dark.

Obi-Wan summoned his strength and his power, and he killed the clone. At that point, I should have revealed myself and killed him. Obviously, I did not.

My Master demanded a reckoning. He did not want either of the Jedi alive to tell what they knew. Because of me, he said, the Jedi knew of a certainty that the Sith were rising to power again. I had betrayed the Sith, betrayed him. I had ruined his plans. I was unworthy.

He tried to kill me. He almost succeeded.

Between the events of Naboo and my Master's attempted murder, I realized many things. I escaped with my life, barely, and when I had recovered enough, I arranged for rumors of my death to reach my Master. I severed our Master-Apprentice bond. Not only would this corroborate the story of my "death," but I no longer wish to have any tie to him.

I am no longer of the Dark. I am not yet of the Light. I do not know what I am. I only know that I belong here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I still don't understand why the Council believe him. Master Yoda said they performed deep mind probes on him to show whether he was lying or not, and they said he was telling the truth, but I can't accept that!

"Hard to see, the Dark Side is."

How many times has Master Yoda said this? Yet he's so willing to accept that this creature isn't hiding something? That it's not capable of shielding itself and its true intentions?

As if that wasn't bad enough, then Master Yoda ordered me to be the one to help it find the path to the Light as it said it wanted. Anakin's training will be taken over by Masters Yoda and Windu, and I'm supposed to consider that...that...

look and tone of complete disgust

MONSTER my Padawan learner!

They want me to establish a bond with it!

No.

I will obey the Council. I will teach it as best I can. But I will not bond with it. That would be a betrayal not only of him but of my own soul.

I'm to bring it back before the Council in three months for an evaluation. If it has made enough progress in that time, they'll allow it to stay permanently. If not...Well, they were unclear on that. I hope it fails their tests and they kill it. I wish I could make sure it would fail, but that would be dishonorable, and I can't go against all he taught me like that even though I don't trust that thing not to murder me in my sleep.

My only consolation is that the decision wasn't unanimous. Some of the Council share my doubts. I just hope they don't realize I was right only when it's too late.

Maul's Personal Log:

After we were dismissed by the Council, Obi-Wan was informed that he had been assigned new quarters. He appeared unsurprised but displeased by this.

We were led to his...our...quarters. Once there, we were left alone. He said nothing for a very long time. He would not even turn to look at me when he did speak.

"You'll take the bedroom on the right," he informed me.

"As you wish."

There was another long silence.

I stood near the entrance, waiting. I wanted to sit down. It had been an unexpectedly draining day. The almost palpable hostility radiating from Obi-Wan kept me still, however. I did not know how he would react to anything I did, and I do not entirely trust him not to cut me down at the slightest provocation.

"I'm supposed to train you now." I could not see his face, but I could hear the sneer in his voice. "You'll need this."

Abruptly, he whirled and tossed my lightsaber at me. He must have had it concealed in his robes.

Instinctively I caught it. I then dropped it again.

"This is a Sith weapon," I said.

"Then you should use it," he all but spat at me.

"I am no longer of the Sith. I do not wish to use this weapon."

I was careful to remain calm, but I will not bend on this point. He cannot force me to use that weapon. I will not ever use that weapon again.

He shrugged and started to walk away, leaving the weapon where it lay on the floor. It will stay there until he removes it. I will not touch it.

"You'll have to build another, then."

A reply burned on my tongue. I knew I should not say it, yet there are times when I cannot completely censor what passes from my mind to my mouth.

"Will my Master assist me in constructing it?"

He froze, every line of his body growing stiff with tension. I should not have said it. I knew it before the words passed my lips. However, it appears that shocking him is the only method I can successfully use to get any sort of response from him.

His hands clenched into fists at his sides. I folded my arms and waited calmly.

Again the perverse imp living inside my head took over.

"It is your duty." I paused, then added, "Master."

If he had killed me then and there, I do not supposed I would have been very surprised.

He controlled his anger, however.

A very, very slight smile

My first lesson, he informed me, will be on the Jedi method of lightsaber construction.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

This morning I found the creature's 'saber on the floor right where it dropped the weapon last night.

Pause. Shakes his head

I guess he wasn't kidding about not using it again. That...surprises me.

Another pause. His expression turns stern, almost angry.

I don't care. That proves nothing. Just that it's trying to lull me into a state of false security so I'll drop my guard and it can strike.

I wish I could petition the Council for separate quarters. It's uncomfortable living with that thing. Not only am I concerned for my life, but I hate breathing its air. I don't want it around any more than I have to, which is too much considering I have to give the creature lessons.

Today we started with building it a new lightsaber. I got all the tools and parts needed and dumped them on the table in front of the creature.

"Here." I pointed to the jumble of parts. "Start working."

It looked up at me, and if I didn't know better, I would swear the thing was mocking me...or teasing me.

"You are my Master," it said in that maddeningly calm tone it always has. "You are supposed to show me the proper way."

"All right, fine," I snapped and sat down as far away from it as I could and still be within reach to assist it. "I assume you know what the tools are for. I don't have to explain those, do I?"

I was taunting it. I admit it. I wanted to provoke it. Maybe if I could goad it enough, it would attack, and then I could show the Council I was right all along.

But it didn't fall for my trap. It just picked up and named each tool, describing the function of each one as well.

"Fine." I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair. "So get started. You might want to take off the gloves first, though. This is delicate work."

For the first time, it appeared uncertain, but then it nodded and pulled off the black gloves it wore. I expected to see the familiar red and black tattoo symbols covering his hands, but they were normal. He's shorter than me, but not by much, and he has very strong-looking hands. Long, slender fingers...

His voice trails off for a moment, then he abruptly snaps back to attention

I'll admit I wondered how far down the tattoos go. Obviously they don't cover his entire body, but...

Another pause, this time there is a faint but distinct flush in his cheeks

Anyway, it started working on a new, single-blade 'saber. Its method of constructing a 'saber wasn't that different from what I was taught, so I only had to help a couple of times.

I've done my duty for today. I think that's definitely enough. I have no idea what to do tomorrow.

Maul's Personal Log:

Today, Obi-Wan assisted me in constructing a new lightsaber. This one will have a single blade.

He asked me what color I intended to make it, and for a while, I did not know how to answer. If I had a choice, I would have said green. It is the color of life, and I am weary of death and darkness.

But Obi-Wan's lightsaber is green. Rather, the lightsaber he uses now is green. I remember his was blue. The weapon he uses now belonged to his Master. I would not insult him by choosing either of those colors. No matter what my intent, he would take offense. I know him well enough to realize that.

In the end, I decided to make it red. It is the color of anger and of blood, it is true. It is also a reminder of my past. But red is also the color of heat, which gives all growing things the warmth needed to live and grow. I choose to see the color in that more positive aspect.

According to Obi-Wan, the Sith method of weapon construction is not all that different from the Jedi method. He only corrected me twice. The first time, he avoided touching me completely. The second time...

Pause. He gazes off to one side for a moment as if reliving the memory

The second time he could not explain the configuration he meant, and so he moved to stand next to my chair as I worked, directing me over my shoulder. Exasperated by my ineptness, he finally leaned over and showed me exactly what to do, then disassembled it and made me do it myself.

I could feel his warmth.

His red-gold hair is long now, reaching his collar, and when he bent, a lock of it fell across his face. I had to pretend to scratch my cheek to resist brushing it back.

Yet still I feel nothing but animosity from him. I am patient. I will wait.

But it grows more difficult with every moment spent in his presence.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I didn't know what else to do with the creature, so I decided to start him off like the children: history lessons. The Masters drilled it into our heads when we were scarcely old enough to talk that we would never know where we were going if we didn't know where we were coming from.

Besides that, I figured all the dusty old stuff would bore the thing, and maybe it'd give up and go away.

grimace

No such luck.

Noooo, the thing liked it. The older the junk, the happier it was. It did everything but press its nose up against the glass cases to get a good look at some of the stuff we've got in the Halls of Monuments.

And questions! It was worse than a two-year-old! Wanting to know how old this was, what was that used for, how did they make this or that. Finally, I just snapped.

"How in the name of the little gods should I know? I never paid attention in history class," I told it.

It looked at me like I'd just said I wanted to drop-kick a baby.

I shrugged. "All I wanted was for it to be over so I could get to my gymnastics or pre-lightsaber training class--anything was more interesting as far as I was concerned."

"But this is your history," it said, gesturing to encompass the whole room we were standing in at the time, one that had a whole lot of early versions of current technology, commlinks, holo-display units, stuff like that.

"So? It's history. It's over. There are more important things going on in the present."

"You cannot understand the present without understanding the past," it said.

I shook my head. "You sound like some of my teachers."

"It is the truth," it insisted. "At the very least, you should honor the archives and artifacts housed here. They are the representatives of thousands of years of progress and learning. They are the foundation upon which your present is built. You are the foundation upon which the future is built. It is a never-ending chain, linking one generation from the next. To forget is to dishonor those who struggled to bring you to this point now."

All right, I admit it. I was surprised. I never expected such eloquence from him, and even though he never raised his voice above its usual quiet tone, his words were so empassioned, I understood what he meant far better than I had ever understood what my teachers had been trying to say.

Maul's Personal Log:

"Oh."

That was the only response I got. Verbally, at least. His expression, however, was worth any number of words. He gaped at me in astonishment as if he could not believe I was capable of higher speech, much less higher thought.

History has always been an interest of mine, perhaps because I have so little of my own.

"Don't you have an archive like this?" he asked.

I just looked at him. I knew what he meant. I did not intend to acknowledge it.

"The Sith," he repeated. "Isn't there something like this for you?"

"I am not a Sith."

I will say this as many times as it takes for him to get it through that thick skull of his.

He sighed, exasperated with me for the hundredth time that day, and rolled his eyes. "All right, fine. Do the Sith--a group with which you have no further discourse--have a place like this?"

"No."

I turned my gaze to a display of early proto-type hologrammatic display units, huge bulky things completely unlike the small, elegant hand-held models we have now.

"The Sith have been in hiding for these many centuries," I continued. "If they had marked their presence anywhere at any time, they would have risked discovery. My former Master possesses a small archive, one which is concise and portable. That is all."

There was a long silence between us as I continued to study the artifacts, and he apparently lost himself in thought. I was too engrossed in what I was seeing to pay attention to him, thus his next line of questioning caught me completely unawares.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It struck me that the reason it was so interested in the Temple history might be because it was spying for its Master, so I decided to put it to a test to see where its loyalty lay.

"Speaking of your former Master," I began, and it whirled to face me. Even through the tattoos, I could tell it was surprised. "Would you give us information about him?"

I expected it to say no.

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan asked me if I would give the Jedi information about my former Master.

Of course I would. I would give him anything he asked for. He did not know this and would be appalled by the idea if he did, but it is true nonetheless.

"Yes. You may ask me anything. I will answer truthfully," I told him.

"Would you allow a mind probe?" The viciousness underlying his tone said he did not believe me.

"I have already done so. I would agree to it again if it is necessary to prove my honesty," I replied. "I will answer any question you like. I will provide as much information as you want about my former Master. It will do you no good, but you may have it."

"Why?" he demanded fiercely. "Why wouldn't it help us?"

"Because he is not a stupid man. He considers me a traitor because I did not kill you on Naboo and will assume that I can and will provide information to his enemies. I can tell you where he was when I left him, but he will no longer be there, and any trace of him will be gone."

He nodded, appearing to accept this. I was close enough to see the color of his eyes, to watch them change color as he sorted through different reactions. For one aching moment, I wished those chameleon eyes would look on me with something other than hatred and contempt.

Then he narrowed those eyes in a shrewd, steady gaze leveled at me.

"Why didn't you kill me on Naboo?"

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I thought it was a simple enough question, but I still don't understand the answer.

The creature just looked at me for a long time, those yellow, reptillian eyes of his totally unreadable. Then he shook his head slowly.

"I will tell you anything you want to know, Obi-Wan. All you have to do is ask me. But I would advise you to make certain you are ready to hear the answer first."

And then he just turned and walked off.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It's been two weeks, and we haven't killed each other yet. I think I'm shocked.

We've kind of gotten into a routine, which is good because I've got no idea what to do with an adult Padawan.

pause, slight frown

Not that it is my Padawan! I'm not going to create a training bond with that thing, I don't care what the Council says!

But he...it's already been through a training period that qualifies it to be equal of a Jedi Knight. It's got the Force skills and development already. What it doesn't know is the background, the philosophy, the conceptual differences between the Sith and Jedi. So that's what we've been focusing on.

Every day for the past two weeks, we've gone to the archives, and I've let it study the records and teach itself the history of the Temple since we've already had the discussion about my expertise in that area. I heard from one of the historians that it's been coming here, asking questions on its own. At first, they were suspicious, but they didn't see how telling it about history could do any harm, so they started talking to it. Now they practically fawn all over it whenever we see them. Personally, I think they just can't believe they found someone who actually cares.

I asked him about that one day. I don't know why. It's not like I'm actually interested in its personal life, but...Anyway, I asked it why it liked history so much.

Maul's Personal Log:

"And don't give me all this 'foundation for the future' stuff either," Obi-Wan added. "That's the idealist answer. I want the real answer."

I watched him silently for a moment. I did not understand why he was asking. He had never exhibited any interest in me, my thoughts or my life before.

I put aside the datapad I had been reading, still thinking and choosing my words carefully.

"I have no personal history," I said at last. Hopefully, that would satisfy him.

But no.

"So what does that mean?" He dropped into the chair across from mine with his usual negligant grace.

"It means..." I hesitated. If I was not careful, he would suspect me of playing for sympathy when all I was doing was telling the simple truth. "When my former Master took me from my parents, he changed my name and my appearance, and he never revealed any information about my life. I know nothing about my parents or my home world. All I know is him and the training I underwent."

Obi-Wan scrunched up his face in that way I have grown to learn means that he does not fully understand or accept something I have said. "What do you mean, he changed your appearance?"

I gave him a steady look. "I was not born looking like this. I appear to be of a race I am not. These horns, these eyes--they are mine by the power of the Dark Side, not genetics."

"And the tattoos?"

It was a bold question. Unexpected.

"I acquired them when I completed my training and became a Sith Lord."

Pause. He falls silent, his expression very close to regret

"Why did he do that to you?"

I shrugged. "I do not know. Perhaps to hide my true identity. Perhaps to see if he could. If he was strong enough to affect another living being in such a way. I did not learn the truth myself until I was an adult. He chose to boast of his 'success' to me."

"Oh."

I get that response from Obi-Wan quite often.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I get the feeling it didn't have an easy life.

pauses, gnaws on his lower lip

It doesn't say much unless I ask direct questions, but some of the answers...Could anyone really have lived like that? It sounds so harsh, so completely opposite of the life I've known. Growing up in the Temple was hard at times, but it was nothing like what he... it... describes.

It doesn't even sound like he had a chance to choose to serve his Master or not. I could have left the Temple at any time, and they would have let me go. Regretfully, yes, but I wouldn't have been punished. From what I can tell, he would have been tracked down and killed if he had tried to leave. And he was abducted from his parents as a baby...

resolute look

Still, he could have left when he was an adult. He had the ability to choose then.

pause, wavering

He did choose to leave...

No.

No, I still think it's got an ulterior motive. It's spying or trying to kill me.

I can't let myself believe anything else.

Maul's Personal Log:

As much as I have enjoyed living the life of a scholar rather than a warrior, I can no longer afford to let my training lapse. I wish to serve the Jedi. If I am to do so, I must retain my skills. Now that I have a new lightsaber, there is no reason why I cannot practice.

I do not think I should ask Obi-Wan to practice with me. It would no doubt bring up too many unpleasant memories, and I have no wish to cause him any pain.

For now, I will practice by myself.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Master Yoda summoned me to a private meeting today. He informed me that the creature had requested permission to resume weapons practice--alone. It didn't mention wanting to to me. Is it going behind my back already?

frown

I don't think it's a good idea to let the thing practice, but Master Yoda said he'd given permission and assigned it a private room. I was about to protest when he added that it had a monitoring system installed, and the creature would be under careful observation at all times. That made me feel a little better.

And then he said he wanted me to go watch it in action. Right then.

I reluctantly followed Master Yoda to the observation room; the large-screen monitor gave a clear picture of the practice room and of the creature. I sat down and folded my arms, watching as I'd been ordered, but I wasn't interested in the least. I'd already seen enough of this thing's fighting manuevers to last me a lifetime.

I don't know how long the creature had been practicing, but obviously long enough to work up a sweat. It had taken off its outer robe and tunic, going through its moves wearing only its black leggings and boots. At least I got my question about the tattoos answered. They covered his neck and shoulders, then gradually diminished to a V on his chest that appeared to be pointing...down...

pauses, swallows hard, a faint pink stain appearing on his cheeks

It may not be a very tall creature, but it's in good shape. Strong arms. It moves well, too. More gracefully than I thought...

Another pause, he shakes his head as if to clear it

But he's got problems. Obviously he's used that double-bladed 'saber of his so long that using a single blade now is causing him trouble. His balance is a little off, and he's leaving himself open to blows that would be blocked with the double-blade but won't be with the single--and he's just practicing alone! I don't think he's even realized it yet, and he won't until he faces an opponant.

When the creature finally finished and left, Master Yoda turned to me.

"Train him you will."

It wasn't a request.

"Master, I--"

"A threat to you Maul is not," Master Yoda interrupted. "A threat to the Temple he is not. Wish him trained as a Jedi, I do. Practice with him you will. Tomorrow. Teach him you will. Give you a few days to adjust I will. And then a training bond you will form."

"Master, no!" I tried to protest, but he wouldn't hear it. It was like my opinion, my feelings in the matter didn't count at all. "Master, please--I can't!" I was pleading now, begging if I had to.

Master Yoda just looked at me. "Fear is of the Dark Side. Afraid Maul is not. Who should the Council worry about now?"

I stared at him, stunned. How could he possible compare the two of us?

"Meditate on your fear you should. Find the reason, remove the fear."

"I know why I'm afraid," I snarled. "It plans to kill me--to finish what it started on Naboo!"

"No," Master Yoda said calmly before leaving me there alone to puzzle over his cryptic words. "Wish to kill you he does not. Fear death at his hands you do not. Search deeper. You will learn."

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

He leans back in his chair, slumping down in the seat a little, a towel draped around his neck. He pulls up the end of the towel and wipes off his face, then shakes his head.

I'm losing it. I really am.

He slides the towel from around his neck and wipes down his neck and bare chest.

I practiced with the creature today like I was ordered. He's good--very good. I knew that already, but facing him like this...

It's different. On Naboo, I was trying to survive, then I was trying to kill. It was hard to forget all that at first, but...

shrug

I don't know. I guess being here in the Temple, it was a safe environment, and I didn't feel the threat from him...it...like I did then. We were both trying to win, but it was a competition, not a life-or-death struggle.

As he speaks, he begins running his fingers up and down his chest in a slow, langourous motion as if he doesn't quite realize what he's doing

I didn't get angry. I thought I would, but I didn't, I just wanted to win again, and I would have, but even trying to adjust to a new weapon, he's good.

quiet chuckle

And sneaky. I need to remember to think outside the lines because he certainly does.

So the practice went well enough, and I thought I had it beaten when it surprised me, and I ended up disarmed and pinned, and...

puzzled little frown

I imagined it. I'm sure I did. But for a moment, I swear I felt like he was going to kiss me...

Maul's Personal Log:

He sits ramrod straight. His gloves are off, and his fingers are so tightly clenched together that his knuckles are white.

I nearly lost control today.

That cannot happen.

I nearly kissed him. To do so now would ruin everything. He is not ready. He would be repulsed. I cannot risk giving in to my impulses. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

I do not know if I will ever be able to overcome the antipathy he bears me. If I must remain silent forever, then I will do so. I would rather keep the truth hidden from him and in doing so remain near him than reveal all and risk being sent away.

And if I can have moments...Fleeting moments such as today...

Obi-Wan was all but in my arms. By sheer luck, I managed to disarm and pin him against a wall, and there we stood.

I could feel the heat of his body. The scent of his skin rising like a heated musk reached my nose. I breathed it deeply.

He was breathing hard, almost panting. His lips were parted. All I had to do was lean forward, and his mouth would have been mine. I could have tasted him. I could have closed my mouth over his chin and made love to the cleft with my tongue as I have long wanted to do.

I could have. I did not.

I felt myself stirring with arousal. I backed away and let him go before he realized how my body was reacting to his.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

The creature is gone.

shakes his head, looking incredulous

It just...left. No word, no message. I got up this morning, and it was gone.

I checked its room, but it was hard to tell if it had taken all its belongings because it didn't have anything to begin with. At first I thought that was because it had been on the run from its Master, but even after a whole month of being settled here at the Temple, it still hadn't accumulated any...well, stuff. It had clothes, some datapads, and that's about it.

Everything was still there, and when I told Master Yoda it had gone, probably to report back to its Master all it had learned, he said knew where it was, and it would be back. He didn't say when, though.

With any luck...never.

Maul's Personal Log:

I had thought things were going more smoothly between myself and Obi-Wan.

I was wrong.

We had developed a routine. A tolerable if not comfortable pattern for cohabitating. I had learned what sort of behavior was expected from a Padawan towards his or her Master, and I adopted it. I provided the first meal of the day. I kept our quarters neat...

Pauses, shakes his head

Although that I would have done even if it were not among the duties of a Padawan. I did not realize my Obi was such a...untidy man. I do not clean his room, however. Out of respect for his privacy, I stay away from it. I also stay away to protect myself as I would most likely go mad with the desire to clear it out. He has a habit of accumulating...stuff.

I do not. I was taught not to cling to material things. Power. Hatred. Anger. Those mattered. The cluttery detritus of a human life was not supposed to matter. Even now it is difficult for me to break the habit of not taking any possessions.

Another pause

I thought this routine meant he was becoming more accepting of my presence. I thought the fact I sensed no surge of hostility when we sparred together was a positive sign.

The fault is mine. I pushed when I should have remained silent. Still...he needs something to shock him out of his self-imposed prison.

He spends a great deal of time in meditation. I think now it was more of an excuse to avoid being in the same room with me than any real desire to regain his balance. Last night I asked him why Jedi meditate.

"To gain inner peace," he answered. After a moment, he had a question of his own. "Why do Sith meditate?"

"To gain control," I replied. And then I made my mistake. "You meditate so often. Where, then, is your peace?"

"I have peace!" He was all but snarling at me, and I almost laughed.

"I sense no such thing from you," I told him with blunt honesty. "Your spirit is not tranquil. Your mind is not at rest."

"You think so?" He took a step towards me, his hands clenched into fists. "Then it's your doing! I haven't had any peace since--"

He broke off then, but I heard what he did not say. In his mind, I had destroyed his peace on Naboo when I killed his Master. He still believed that. Nothing had convinced him, not even the words of the Council. There was one way to prove my innocence, but I knew he would not hear of it.

"That is not my fault," I replied. "In two ways. I did not kill Qui-Gon--"

I believe what he did then is commonly called a "sucker punch." I saw the blow coming. I could have avoided it. I did not. I allowed the blow to land. I did not sway or stumble.

I admit I was angry.

"Don't you say that name!" he shouted, his face red with fury. "Don't you dare taint his memory by speaking of him!"

"Why?" I sneered. "Because you will not? I have never heard you utter your Master's name since I have been here. Why is that, little Jedi?"

I stalked him. I closed in. He did not flinch or move. I grabbed the braid that fell over his shoulder and wound it around my fist.

"Why have you not removed this?" I demanded. "You are a Knight, not a Padawan."

"That is none of your concern," he ground out through clenched teeth.

Our gazes were locked. We were fighting a battle of wills.

"Do you feel unworthy?" I asked, and he shook his head violently but did not speak. "Is that it? You failed to save his life, so you must do penance for the rest of yours?"

I yanked the braid, forcing him to come close to me. He was furious. He grabbed double handfuls of my tunic at the throat.

"Let go of me," he snarled, and I did laugh then.

"Or what? You will kill me?" I gave his braid another yank--hard--yet he still did not flinch.

We were both angry. Both breathing hard. So close I could all but feel the beating of his heart. I wanted to throw him to the floor. To take him. To hear him moan and see him writhe beneath me. To make him forget his rage and despair. Despite my anger at his continued stubbornness, I wanted him, and the wanting was a steady rhythm pounding in my blood as we stared intently at each other.

"No." He curled his lip with disdain. "I will make you wish you were dead."

"Like you."

"Stop it, damn you!" He began struggling to free himself, and I relented. I let go of his braid, and he pushed himself away from me, stepping backwards and looking at me as if there were no greater pleasure for him at that moment than seeing me dead on the floor. Preferably by his hands.

"If I have no peace now," he said, drawing himself up with as much dignity and calm as he could muster, "it is your doing. How can I know peace when every day I must look at the face of the monster that killed the person who meant most to me?"

He was right.

This is not my face. Not anymore. This is not the face I was born with. It is not the face that reflects who I am now.

But there is an answer.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

All right, I admit it. It's my fault the creature's gone. I was...

grimace

I was unfair. I said some things, and if the thing really is trying to change... Well, what I said probably didn't help.

He sits up straight, his expression indignant

Damn it, I just can't believe all that "he's not a threat" nonsense Master Yoda keeps telling me! It's a Sith! It killed him! It tried to kill me! And now all of a sudden, it wants to walk away from everything it ever knew and start over on the other side? It just doesn't make sense. Why would it do that? What could possibly motivate such a drastic change?

He slumps again, looking weary

I don't know. It's all so jumbled up in my head. I can't meditate anymore, and my balance is gone. I've tried looking along the Force to the future, but I can't see anything. It's all gray and misty, like there's too many choices for one clear path to stand out. Sometimes I get a feeling... an image of someone near me, but I can't see it clearly. It's not that thing, though. It can't be, because this person feels...

Well, it's just different, that's all.

Master Yoda insists that the creature hasn't gone back to its Master. He knows a lot more than he's telling me, and I'm getting tired of not knowing what's going on. There's not much I can do about it, though.

Long pause...He appears to be struggling with something; conflicting emotions flit across his face

The thing I hate most... The thing I hate to admit... I'd gotten used to having that creature around. It was quiet, but it was there, and it tried to help. It made the first meal every day, it kept the common area clean, and I kind of got used to preparing lessons for it... It was a challenge to see what I could come up with, to discuss the differences between his training and mine...

Gods above and below--what is wrong with me that I accepted companionship from that thing on any level? How could I betray him like that? It's like I'm making a mockery of him, his life, everything he taught me.

But Anakin is a child. He couldn't talk to me, and Sith-creature it may be, it's also an adult. It's got a clever mind, and it seems to enjoy learning. The few times I relaxed enough to talk it, I... enjoyed the conversation.

And... if it really is trying to break away from the Dark side, then... then I shouldn't have been so harsh. Not that it held its tongue with me either. Far from it.

What annoys me most of all is the damned thing was right. It can see inside me. It understands me. No one, not even Master Yoda, has said anything like that to me before, but this creature cut right to my heart and laid it open.

Is that some sort of Sith trick? Did it probe my mind? Or did it just make a lucky guess? That's one question I'll never know the answer to because I'm not giving it the satisfaction of knowing it shook me.

If it returns, that is.

I wonder when that will be.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have returned.

From Obi-Wan's reaction, one would think I am more of an oddity now than I was before I left.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

stands, fists clenching, almost shaking with anger

This is an OUTRAGE!

How could they allow this to happen?

That--that--thing must not have told the Council what it was going to do. It sneaked around to make this happen. I know it. And I'm going to report this! They'll have to face its treachery now!

Maul's Personal Log:

I believe Obi-Wan was surprised by the change.

I arrived at our quarters during the time he is normally gone to the training arena for practice. This is what I wanted.

When he returned, I was waiting for him. He looked at me with confusion at first. Then realization sank in. He turned white. Then red. Then he stormed off without a word.

I heard him talking to Master Windu. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Master Windu talked, and Obi-Wan yelled.

He has done nothing to regain his peace, I see.

I did not intend to eavesdrop. However, I could not help but hear his side of the conversation at least, consisting mostly of insults and demands for my permanent removal. He seemed to think that I had not consulted anyone before making this change. He was wrong.

I made tea.

When he finally emerged from his room, he was still scowling. He threw himself on the couch and sat there, his arms crossed and his expression belligerant.

I offered him a cup of tea. He refused. I shrugged and began drinking the tea myself before addressing a matter which needed to be resolved.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

All right, so I made a mistake.

Master Windu said that the creature petitioned the Council about this, and they gave it permission. So they knew. They just didn't see fit to tell me about it.

So I walked in my quarters today to see some stranger in a Padawan uniform standing there. It took me a moment to realize who it was--and then I was furious.

The Sith-creature has had its horns and tattoos removed. It looks just like any other human! Appearances are definitely deceiving in this case.

I can hardly stand looking at it. I barely paid attention to what it looks like now. Dark hair that's very short. That's all I know. And his hands... When I finished talking to Master Windu and the creature offered me tea... I didn't look at it when it approached. Not even when it held out the cup.

"Tea, Master?"

Yes, it was the creature, all right. There was no mistaking the voice.

"No." I tried not to look, but still I could see his hands, holdng the cup, offering it to me. Those long fingers, calloused from years of training...

The next thing I knew, it was sitting across from me, drinking the tea I'd refused, and then it said, "I have a name."

I glanced up at it, then quickly looked away again. "What?"

It kept on sitting there and drinking the tea calmly, never raising its voice above its usual volume. "I am not 'it' or 'thing' or 'that Sith-creature'. I have a name. Maul. M. A. U. L. I am weary of being dehumanized because of your irrational refusal to accept the truth."

Unfortunately, I didn't have a reply to that.

Maul's Personal Log:

This face pleases me.

It is not beautiful, like Obi-Wan's, but it pleases me. I look in the mirror now, and I see the man I should have been. Not the monster I became.

My past is behind me. All ties are severed.

I will recreate my life as the Healers recreated the face I should have had all along. I will be worthy of the Jedi. I will be worthy of Obi-Wan.

This face pleases me. I wonder if it will ever please him.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I really wish he hadn't made this change.

It's harder to remember that Maul's not just another Jedi. He looks normal, he acts normal... Well, pretty much, anyway. The constant reminder of what he was... is... is gone. I can't see him as a Sith now. Not enough to keep my walls up as I could before.

It doesn't help that he's...

flushes slightly and squirms

Well, he's so damn good-looking!

I tried to ignore him, but you can't live with someone and not notice how they look no matter how hard you try. And now...now I find I can't stop looking.

He's got dark hair, and he's working it into the Padawan style. He really is taking this whole thing seriously. He's got a ponytail started in the back and even a short skein of hair just behind his ear that he's letting grow. But he's not braiding it. I know what he's doing. He's waiting for me to braid it for him. To... accept him, I guess. But I just can't do that.

And that mouth. A thin upper lip, but that lower lip... I find myself staring and wanting to find out what it tastes like, to suck it... I haven't had feelings like this since... since...

He breaks off with what sounds like a muffled sob

It's not right! I shouldn't feel these things--not for him! Not for the man who killed my Master!

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan and I are engaged in an uneasy dance.

I sense his confusion. I notice him watching me. These things give me hope. Yet I know he is still unwilling to admit the truth about me, about his emotions. About anything. He wishes to hide. To stay safe. I cannot allow that to continue. He is a Jedi Knight. I sense a greatness about him that will never reach its fullest potential unless he releases the anger and fear that are holding him back.

I cannot rush him, however. He must be led slowly, or he will run. I must be careful.

Right now, I am playing the role of Dutiful Padawan. I prepare meals. I serve him tea. We have discussions. That is all. More and more I feel his blue-green eyes on me, but he will not touch me voluntarily. The only contact we have is during lightsaber practice, and that is by accident. He uses my name now, but that is the only concession to my humanity he appears to have made.

At the moment, I do not know how to go about breaking down the walls he has surrounded himself with.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Something happened tonight... something unexpected... I'm not sure how I feel about it yet...

He pauses, looking thoughtful

One year ago today, my Master died on Naboo.

At first, I was deliberately cold to Maul. It was his doing, after all, and I felt such a cold, sick anger inside just thinking about it, but he didn't even seem to notice. Maybe it's the kind of behavior he expects from me, and today wasn't any different, just a little more intense.

shakes his head

Anyway...I was angry and looking for a target--any target. When we sparred today, I went after him--I kept advancing, kept hammering him, giving him no room to maneuver or breathe. I just kept on attacking and attacking, and he just let me.

Finally I realized what I was doing--turning a practice session into a real fight--and I stopped. We'd both stripped out of our tunics, and I looked at him standing there, panting, and the sun filtered through the window fell across his bare chest. I could see drops of sweat dappling his skin. And in that moment, I felt my anger drain away. I knew what he was doing: giving me a release by allowing himself to be the target I needed and wanted. For just that instant, it was perfectly clear in my head, and I knew he wasn't angry, that he didn't blame me for taking out my negative emotions on him, that he was in some way trying to help me.

What I don't understand is why. Unless it's out of guilt. He wants to atone for what he's done.

For a moment, I was grateful--and then I remembered who he was. A Sith. A murderer. He probably had ulterior motives for what he'd done.

I turned away from him, trying to calm down. And then suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, sliding over to rest against the back of my neck beneath my hair. I felt my entire body go tense, but it was divided on the reason. Part of me was tense because I didn't want him touching me. The other part of me was tense because I did.

Maul's Personal Log:

I do not know how long we stood there like that. I had not planned on taking such an action. It was an impulse. One that I cannot say I regret. The memory of his hot, damp skin still lingers in my hand, and I will not soon forget it.

One touch. But I wanted so much more. I wanted to run both hands all over his back. To touch the well-defined muscle. To trace the indentation of his spine. I wanted to slide my arms around him. I wanted to brush aside his hair and give the back of his neck a hundred little nipping kisses just to watch him shiver.

Instead, I dropped my hand away when I felt him tense.

"Do you wish to continue, Master?" I asked, trying to sound polite and distant. Years of practice at controlling my reactions serve me well now. I do not think he realizes how much I desire him.

He shook his head.

"You need release," I said quietly. "Let me give it to you."

"I..." He fell silent for a long time. When he spoke again, it was with reluctance. "You already have. Today has been...difficult."

"Yes." A strange boldness overcame me, and I stepped close behind him. Close enough to feel the heat emanating from his body, and my own breathing quickened. I reached out and rested my hand on his hip, squeezing it gently. We are so close in height, so well-matched. I wanted to mold myself against him. "You must let go before you can heal."

To my surprise, he did not pull away from me. When he spoke, his voice was ragged.

"I know. It's just so difficult... I feel responsible... I could have done something..."

I took advantage of the moment. I realize this. It could end up being a mistake, but I do not regret it.

I placed my other hand on his other hip and tugged him backwards just enough that his back grazed my chest. He did not lean against me, but he did not resist either. I gave in to the temptation to rest my cheek on his shoulder.

"Anything you could have done differently would have resulted in your death as well," I told him. "The Force meant for you to survive. You have a destiny. I sense it. Qui-Gon's task was finished. Yours has not yet begun."

At the mention of his Master's name, a sob hitched his chest, and I tightened my grasp on his hips, pulling him closer. It was not an embrace, but it would suffice for now.

"I want him back..." His voice was barely audible, but the words reached me. Sliced into me. "I love him..."

Now I know. I am battling not one but two ghosts: that of the clone who killed his Master and that of his lover.

I have to wonder if I can possibly win when Obi-Wan is determined to dwell among the dead rather than join the dance of the living.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I've been waiting for this. I thought it would come sooner, but I suppose with all the changes Maul has been through, they put it off a little longer.

But today it happened: we were summoned in front of the Council so they could assess Maul's progress.

I have to admit... I was of two minds about it. Part of me hoped they'd find some hidden darkness lurking in him, some concealed piece of planned treachery, and then they'd banish him. Or kill him, but I don't want... Well, if that's going to happen, let it be by my hands.

The other part of me was afraid of failure. Not his but mine. I'm supposed to be his Master, but I haven't taken the task seriously, and if he's made any progress, it's probably because of his own desire to change and learn, not because of any help I've given him. I won't even bond with him even though Master Yoda has said he would order me to if necessary.

They let me stay in the Council Chamber while they mentally probed and interrogated him. Each of the twelve Council members had their chance, and then some of them had another go at him in pairs or groups of three or four. Not a word was spoken aloud, and they locked me out of the proceedings, but I could feel the crackle of energy in the air. The entire room was bursting with Force-energy, so much that it was almost oppressive at times, and I was glad it wasn't me who was the focus of all that intense energy.

When it was over, Maul was pale, sweating and shaking, but he still managed to stand up and bow to the Council. Then he wavered, looking like he was going to stumble backwards, and without even thinking, I went to his side and put my hand on the center of his back, steadying him. I don't know why, not even now, hours later. I just... did it.

The look he gave me contained unspoken gratitude, but I ignored it. I just wanted to hear what the Council had to say about him.

"You have done well, Maul." Master Windu was the first to speak. "Even the most skeptical among us agree that we sense no lingering trace of the Dark in you. You still have much to learn before you can truly claim to be of the Light, but you are on the path."

Maul nodded but didn't speak.

"Taught you well your Master has," Master Yoda said, giving me one of those piercing looks that always makes me feel like I'm two years old again. "But bonded you have not. Time it is."

I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could say a word, Maul cut me off.

"No."

Master Yoda turned That Look on him, but he didn't flinch or look away. He's either braver than I thought... or more stupid.

"I will not accept a bond unless my Master is willing. If the bond is created out of obligation, then it is useless. The point of having it is entirely undermined."

"You don't want a Master-Padawan bond with your Master?" Master Windu asked, narrowing his eyes as he stared at Maul, adding his no-nonsense look to Master Yoda's.

"I do not want it if my Master does not want it." Maul was calm and matter-of-fact. I knew that tone. It meant he had made up his mind, and as far as he was concerned, that was how matters would be.

"What say you?" Master Yoda was back to me now, and I had to repress the urge to fidget.

"I'm... not ready," I admitted. "I'm sorry, Master, but I can't do that now. I need more time."

Master Yoda nodded slowly. There was a moment of silence and another hum along the Force as if a buzz of communication was going on around us.

Finally Master Windu spoke again. "Then time you will have. By the order of the Council, you are solely responsible for Padawan Maul's training until such time as he is ready to face his Trials and become a Jedi Knight. You're his Master now, Jedi Kenobi. Permanently."

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan asked me to meditate with him tonight.

It is the first time he has ever asked such a thing of me. I do not know why he decided to ask now. Perhaps the meeting with the Council and being appointed my permanent Master has caused him to take his assigned duty more seriously.

Whatever the reason, he asked. I accepted.

"Sit." He barely glanced at me as he ordered me to take a seat on the floor of the common area. It was the safest place. Normally he meditated in the privacy of his room, but going to his room or mine would have been too... intimate for him to tolerate at this point, I imagine.

I sat as he instructed and waited. He sat down across from me and moved close enough so that our knees just barely touched.

"I haven't been doing well with this by myself," he admitted, less grudgingly than I thought he would. "You're grounded. I can feel that, and I want your help in regaining my own balance."

"As you wish, Master." The polite words did nothing to convey the pleasure I felt at that moment. Not only because he had asked my help but also because he was taking a necessary first step towards healing.

He grunted an acknowledgment, then closed his eyes. I did the same. As we were not bonded, I did not expect any sort of mental connection with him. I simply worked on grounding and centering myself as I always did.

Being near him made that easier. I was content having him so close. Voluntarily at that. I was... pleased.

My mind slowly cleared of all extraneous thoughts. They drifted away, and I let them go until all was clear and peaceful. I felt Obi-Wan's presence along the Force, but I was too immersed in my own state of mental emptiness to reach out.

Then I realized that something was coiling around my mind, twining inextricably with it--and that it was none of my doing. I expanded my awareness, and with a shock I felt Obi-Wan in my mind. And myself in his.

The Force was swirling around us, an almost palpable presence. I could feel it humming between us. It was linking us. Obi-Wan had not reached for this bond that was forming anymore than had I. The Force was letting us know its will in no uncertain terms.

I relaxed and let the Force work through me. I had not chosen this, but as it was the will of the Force, I would not hinder it either. I felt Force-tendrils in my mind, winding a thread between myself and Obi-Wan. I felt the utter peace of its presence. I felt Obi-Wan's outrage and frustration. He was fighting it.

I felt the Force like a gentle touch. It sang to me of peace and hope. I have never felt it in such a way before. The Dark Side was always rough and chaotic. This was... There are no words. Serenity does not begin to cover the all-encompassing harmony I felt, not only within myself but with everything around me.

This is what I have missed. This is what my former Master kept me from finding. This is what I have craved my entire life.

I think I may have smiled.

I wanted to laugh.

And through it all, my Obi-Wan struggled. He could not accept the gift. He saw it as a burden.

He cried out. His outburst brought me out of myself.

"We're bonded!" he snarled.

I nodded. "Yes."

"What did you do?" he demanded. "Damn you, tell me! How did you do that?"

I knew he was stubborn. I did not think he was stupid.

I rose to my feet. "Are you so cut off from the Force that you can no longer feel it working within you? This was none of my doing. I have neither the strength nor the skill to force a bond."

I was angry. I was frustrated. I wanted to shake him until he finally stopped acting like the fool I knew he was not.

"Will you now go to the Council to accuse me of mind rape?" I stared down at him where he sat on the floor, looking stunned. Perhaps because of what had happened. Perhaps because of what I was saying. Perhaps both. "Add it to the ever-growing list of my alleged crimes? We are bonded. The Force created the link between us. You are lying to yourself, to me and to the Force itself if you say otherwise."

I left him. I retreated to my room, and I have been here ever since. I am not eager to face him again.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

He sits looking off to one side, covers his face with both hands and then runs them through his hair. When he speaks, his voice is shaky.

We're bonded. He's in my head, and I'm in his, and I can't do a damn thing about it because I didn't do it, I didn't ask for it, it just happened, and if I sever it... If I sever the bond and the Council, especially Master Yoda, ever found out, they'd demand answers, and somehow I just don't think "because I didn't want it" would be good enough.

I've clamped down my shields as tight as possible, but I can still feel him, and I know he must feel me. We're joined. The Force has bound us together until... when? Until he faces his Trials? Will it allow me to be free of him then?

He break off, looking stricken

It's too much... I don't know how much more of this I can take. I already feel on the verge of exploding, and now this... I need a break.

I need a break.

Maul's Personal Log:

I did not know Jedi allow themselves to become intoxicated.

Obi-Wan left not long after our meditation session. I felt his agitation along our new bond. I also felt shields being woven tightly around himself. To protect himself from me, no doubt.

Hours passed. I assumed he had gone to lament his fate to the Council. Perhaps to meditate. When I felt the mental shields between us begin to slip and strange emotions began leaking through to me, I knew he had done neither.

I could sense his alcohol-induced good humor along our bond. I did not initially realize he was intoxicated, and I was curious enough to want to know what had prompted such a vast change in his attitude. Therefore, I ventured into the common area and waited until he arrived home.

In the early morning hours, he stumbled in.

His eyes were glassy, he was disheveled. But he exuded a sense of relaxation such as I had never witnessed from him before. He wove in place where he stood. I approached him and caught scent of the alcohol fumes. I then realized the cause of his present attitude. It was not real. It would wear off as soon as he was sober.

He staggered to the couch and flung himself down. I sat down on the other end of the couch.

"Perhaps you should go to bed," I suggested.

"Nah...s'too early..." He smiled at me then. An open, friendly smile unlike anything I had ever seen directed at me before. So charming. So enticing. Why could he not smile like that when sober as well?

While I was silently wishing to be the recipient of such a look, Obi-Wan made an unexpected move, and I found myself the recipient of something entirely different.

He dragged himself over to my end of the couch and draped his arm across my shoulders, staring intently at me. I stared back. I did not know what to expect. Certainly not what happened.

"You've got a beautiful mouth. Didja know that?" As he spoke, he reached out and touched my lower lip.

I froze.

"No. I have not been told that." I sounded calm. I did not feel calm.

"Well, you do..." He leaned forward, still stroking my lips. "I wanna... I wanna do stuff to it..."

Images of the sort of "stuff" he might wish to do rose up in my mind. I swallowed hard and tried to ease away from him before he realized that aspects of my person were rising other than just my thoughts.

He clamped his arm tighter around me and would not allow me to leave.

No. That is untrue. He was in a weakened condition. Had I truly wished to free myself, I could have done so. I did not.

"Wouldja let me?" He leaned closer. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek. I could feel the first stirrings of desire, not only in myself but along our bond as well. His shields were down. I could sense his emotions almost as strongly as my own.

I should have said no. I should have gotten up and left him there. I should have resisted him.

I could not.

The moment his lips touched mine, I gave up rational thought. I did not care that he was intoxicated. I did not care that he would probably not remember this, and if he did, he would be displeased.

His passion flared up bright and strong. I reached for it. I answered it with my own. I kissed him. I ran my tongue over his lips, tasting him. I probed gently in his mouth, wanting to taste him deeper and growing more aroused than I thought possible when he let me. Our tongues twined and mated. He moaned into my mouth, and I swallowed the sound, reveling in it.

A feverish heat claimed me. All I wanted was to touch him. To taste him. At that moment, he was willing. I gave no thought to the future or to regret. I gave myself over to the longing, the burning ache that had been nestled within me ever since the moment I saw him.

A simple application of the Force, and his belt slithered to the floor. I pushed his tunics aside, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses down his neck to his torso. I flicked my tongue over his nipple until it was hard. Until I heard him gasping. I blew lightly on it. He arched against me. He grabbed me and held me against him.

He wanted me. I was pleasing him, and he desired me as much as I desired him. In that transcendant moment, I was joyous. For the first time in my life, I knew pure happiness.

I closed my mouth over his nipple, sucking and teasing it. He squirmed beneath me, and when I ran my hand down his body, I felt his erection. I cupped it through the fabric of his trousers. I stroked it gently. He threw his head back and moaned, lifting his hips to reach my touch.

I could resist no longer.

I unfastened his trousers and pushed them down his hips enough for me to free his shaft. I closed my hand around it, and he gripped my shoulder tightly.

"Yes... Gods, yes... please..."

It was all the invitation I needed.

I knelt between his legs and took a moment to look at him. I had thought about this moment often. It was not quite the way I had hoped it would be, but the rational part of my brain had fled. I only thought of exploring him as I had longed to do, of pleasing him, of worshipping his beauty with my body instead of only with my thoughts.

I nuzzled him with my lips. I mouthed his sac. And all the while, I left my hand stroke up and down in a slow, lazy rhythm. I wanted him mad with need. He was panting. He clutched the cushions. He began moving his hips, thrusting against my hand.

When I replaced my hand with my mouth, he cried out. I thought he would come right then, but he did not. I drew him in deep, tasting him completely and savoring it. I withdrew, wriggling my tongue along the underside as I did, and he bucked hard. His moment was drawing near, and I confess... I was eager as well. My own desires had been held in check for too long for me to be slow and easy now.

I stroked him with my mouth and tongue, faster and harder. I grasped his hips, stilling his thrusts, silently urging him along our bond, adding my pleasure and desire to his until I felt the tension bringing his body to the breaking point.

As he shook with release, as his seed spurted in my throat, as I felt the satisfaction of thinking I had pleased my lover, he shouted.

"Yes! Oh, yes, Qui-Gon! Yes!"

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I woke up this morning feeling sicker than I ever have before in my life. I was stupid to have gone out and gotten drunk like that. It was running away from my problems, not facing them, and I know better. He taught me better. The only good thing about last night was the dream I had about...

He closes his eyes, obviously forcing himself to say the words

About my...my Master.

It was incredible--so vivid! Even now, if I close my eyes, I can still feel him, feel his mouth on me, all over me...

It was a dream of what I wish had occurred in the waking world when I still had the chance.

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan does not appear to remember the events of last night.

Good.

I have no intention of reminding him. I do not know if I could face him with complete composure if he remembered everything. The humiliation would be great indeed.

As it is, I do not know what to do now. Whether I should keep trying to ease into his affections or abandon it as a lost cause. I must consider this further.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I really hope that was a dream last night.

His tone is calm, but rising panic is in his eyes

When I was in the bathing room this morning, I noticed a strange mark on my chest, and there are bruises on my left hip that look like they could've been formed by someone holding me there too hard.

No, it was a dream. It had to be because otherwise, who--?

He breaks off, looking pensive

Maul's been quiet today.

Well... he's always quiet, but I mean moreso than usual.

It's strange, but in some ways he reminds me of--

a brief hesitation

--of my Master. He doesn't talk a whole lot unless he's got something to say, unless you get him started on some abstract philosophical idea.

He snorts and rolls his eyes

In that, they're just alike. Maul's serious, too. I've never seen him laugh or even smile. It's not because of his teeth anymore either because he got those fixed too. My Master didn't smile or laugh easily either, but at least he did on occasion. But I guess Maul doesn't have too much of a reason to smile around me. I don't know.

He's also calm in the same way. I get the same feeling from him, like he's grounded and centered and not a whole lot can shake him. Whatever happens, he'll just deal with it calmly and quietly.

But today is different. It's like he's withdrawn inside himself. Outwardly, everything seems normal. When I finally felt alive enough to get up, he had tea and a light meal prepared for me, and his attitude was the usual deferential Padawan role he adopts when it pleases him. He certainly doesn't hesitate to drop it and argue with me whenever he wants!

He didn't say anything, and there's nothing unusual with that, but his silence was different. He wouldn't even look at me. I felt like he was avoiding me or something, and I thought it was because he disapproved of what I'd done last night, but after seeing these marks, I have to wonder...

No, it can't be. I probably just got in a drunken scuffle, that's all. I just can't see Maul loosening up enough to seduce anybody, much less me. Why would he do that? He knows I hate him, and if he feels anything for me, it seems to be impatience at what he thinks is my continued stubborness about believing the so-called truth about him.

That's it. That's the answer. It has to be. Anything else is... unthinkable.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have decided.

I was prepared to give up because Obi-Wan called out his former lover's name in the heat of passion, but I must focus on what happened at first.

He initiated the encounter. I choose to believe he was not so intoxicated that he was looking at me and seeing someone else. Perhaps reality became skewed for him later, but in the beginning, I believe he knew he was with me.

Not Qui-Gon.

That being the case, there is hope. He must have some feelings for me which he does not want to admit to, not even to himself, much less to me. Even if those feelings are only attraction and lust. Those can be the seeds which bloom into something more.

I must be patient. Until this point, I have not pursued him. I have not tried to overcome his reluctance except in a few isolated moments which he has conveniently ignored. From now on, he will no longer be able to ignore me.

I will not let him.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I know I said it seemed like Maul had withdrawn from me, but I think I must have been imagining things. If anything, he's making himself more present than usual. I can feel him inside my head stronger than ever even though my shields are up at full-strength, which means he must have his end of the bond open.

He smiles slightly

He's giving me an invitation, I guess. Maybe he's trying to prove that he doesn't have anything to hide or that he really has changed... I don't know. I'm not going to open up enough to find out.

His brows knit in a puzzled little frown

I know what he said happened, and I still don't believe it, but it's not really fair of me to assume he hasn't changed since then. It's possible... Maybe he really is different now. Maybe he really has embraced the Light. If he has, then I'm not helping his progress any by refusing to accept that. Maybe... Maybe I should try to start letting go of the past.

Maybe I should start talking to him instead of trying to pretend he doesn't exist.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have deliberately lowered my shields to the point that only a thin barrier exists between my mind and Obi-Wan's. Any time he wishes to search my memory or perform a mental probe, he is free to do so. I intend it to be a show of trust. I am not certain if he is even aware of this. Or if he cares.

No matter. I refuse to slink into the shadows any longer. I have been accepted into the Temple. He is my erstwhile Master. I will continue to respect his wish for silence on certain matters, but I will no longer stay out of his path. This is my home too. I have a right to be here as much as he does.

If he does not like it, he will have to solve the problem himself. It is not my problem.

>From now on, I am going to do as I please. We will see how he reacts.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

What a night...

I went to visit Anakin, and when I got home, I found dinner waiting for me. Not just food on the table, either! The lights had been dimmed, and there were candles lit everywhere. Between the smell of the food and the candles and the atmosphere, I found myself relaxing without even thinking about it. It was an unexpectedly pleasant scene to walk in on.

And then there was Maul in the back of my head, practically radiating contentment. He was putting a bowl on the table when I came in, and he looked up and nodded, but he didn't smile.

He pauses, looking thoughtful

I'd like to see that. Just once. I'd like to see him smile or even laugh.

Startled look

I don't know why, I just... do.

Shakes his head

Anyway. I asked him what all this was for, and he said, "I spent most of my life in sterile, empty surroundings. From now on, I wish to have aesthetically pleasing surroundings. That includes taking my meals in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere."

"This is just for you, then?" I asked, startled. Usually he didn't leave me out, but it sounded like he was going to from now on.

But he gestured to the table and I noticed there were two place settings. I don't know why I was relieved by that...

"Does my Master wish to eat now?"

I nodded and sat down, and he served us both. It was a very good meal, and I had to ask, "Did you make this?"

He gave me one of those long, steady looks of his. "You are surprised?"

"Well..." I leaned back in my chair and smiled at him to let him know I was joking. "I didn't think the culinary arts were part of Sith training."

He snorted. "Even Sith have to eat. However, I have developed my skills since being here."

"What do you mean?"

There was a pause during which he paid careful attention to his food. "My former Master did not approve of...luxury. Meals were to be eaten for their nutrition content alone. Portions were to be no larger than necessary to survive."

"Oh..."

I didn't really know what to say after that, so we spent the rest of our meal in silence. It wasn't awkward though. I didn't feel like I had to say anything. Being around Maul is rather like... rather like being around my Master. We can be quiet together without feeling obliged to speak.

After dinner, he poured us both a glass of wine, and after drinking about half, I decided to ask about something that had been a source of curiosity for me for a while now.

"How is it that you're so..." I paused, searching for the right words. "You're so blasted content all the time? You're an ex-Sith among Jedi, half the Council doesn't trust you, a lot of the rest of us don't trust you, the children are scared to death of you, and you know how I feel about you, so how are you managing this?"

"How do you know I am?" he asked, watching me intently.

I dropped my gaze to the floor and shrugged. "I can feel it. You're keeping the link open, and hard as I try, you still leak through. You always feel at peace, like you're content with your life exactly the way it is."

He just watched me for a moment, and then he turned and walked out onto the balcony. I followed, of course. Setting his glass on the ledge, he leaned on both hands, looking out over the Coruscant horizon. It was full dark, but the landscape was dotted with millions of glittering lights.

"First," he said quietly, "I am not an ex-Sith. I am a Jedi in training."

I scowled, wanting to argue, but when I thought about it, I knew I shouldn't. He was right. If we wanted him to successfully turn to the Light, then none of us should constantly remind him what he was. Labeling people defines them. We had to let go of the past and give him a chance to start over if that's what he wanted.

I have to do that. To keep holding his past over his head is unfair.

"Secondly," he continued. "What you, the Council or any other person thinks of me does not matter. What matters is what I think of myself."

Suddenly he stood up straight and looked at me, his dark blue eyes locking with mine so I couldn't look away if I wanted to.

"For the first time in my life, I am not filled with restless discontent, hatred and anger. For the first time in my life, my spirit is tranquil. I have been given a chance to learn how to use my gifts to help instead of harm. I have known peace here. Yes, I am content."

I didn't say anything. What could I say? I'm beginning to wonder who is the Master here and who is the apprentice.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It looks like we've developed an after-dinner ritual without even meaning to. Instead of jumping up to clear things away like he used to, Maul serves us both a glass of wine, and then we end up talking for a while. Most of the time, we go out on the balcony because the nights have finally begun turning warm again, and the evening breezes are pleasant. Sometimes we sit on the couch, but Maul doesn't seem as comfortable there for some reason.

Rarely does he volunteer information--I get the feeling he's not comfortable talking about himself--but if I ask, he'll answer.

Tonight I asked him about his former life.

He told me.

Gods...

Breaks off, shaking his head with a look of amazement in his eyes

I don't know how he managed to survive to adulthood. I can't imagine growing up like that. I can't imagine having a Master like that. Mine was... He wasn't one for emotional displays, but I knew he cared about me. I never feared him or thought he would ever harm me.

It started when I asked him why he chose to be a Sith in the first place.

"I did not choose," he informed me bluntly.

We were outside then, and he was leaning with his back against the ledge so he could look at me while we talked.

"I chose to leave the Dark behind me," he continued, his voice even softer than usual. "I chose to embrace the Light."

"Then how--?" I was puzzled. I thought you became a Sith the same way you became a Jedi: you were chosen by your Master before you were thirteen.

"I was taken from my family as an infant. I was raised by my former Master. I was given no alternative but to serve the Dark or die. I knew no other way of life."

"Oh..."

I didn't know what else to say. The very idea was completely foreign to me. I'd been surrounded by peace my entire life and always treated with affection. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of the kind of life he was talking about. That he could walk away from everything he had known and make such a complete change... As much as I hate to admit it, he's deserving of respect for that much, if nothing else.

"Why did you turn away from the Darl Side?" I asked. "What made you leave?"

He fell silent then and drained his glass before answering.

"When I failed to follow orders on Naboo, my Master attempted to kill me for what he perceived as my betrayal of him. I nearly died by his hands. That... and one other important factor... was the catalyst that led me to seek the Light."

"But you didn't come to the Temple right away," I reminded him, still dubious.

"No." He shook his head, his expression somber. "I could not. I needed over a month to heal and regain my strength completely. After that, I spent many months concealing my existence from my former Master and arranging reports of my death to reach him. Even when there was no longer any way for him to sense my presence, I did not dare return to Coruscant immediately in case he had left spies."

"Why did you want to abandon the Dark Side?" I persisted. "Why didn't you just try to get revenge and take his place? Isn't that how it works with the Sith?"

The look he gave me was one of intense weariness, and for a moment I thought I'd pushed too far, but he merely shook his head.

"I had no wish to take his place. The Dark Side was thrust upon me at a young age. I did not embrace it completely of my own volition. When I began to explore the galaxy and see there were other options... I began to question." He broke off and turned away from me then, staring out at the setting sun. "That is why Sideous was convinced I betrayed him. He knew of my growing doubts. He knew I was not fully committed to the Dark Side as I had once been."

Without really thinking about it, I moved to stand beside him, close enough for our shoulders to almost touch. I had the strangest impulse to reach out and put my hand on his shoulder or do something to offer comfort, but I didn't.

He glanced at me, but I don't think he was really seeing me. His eyes were distant and unfocused even when he began talking again.

"For nearly two decades, he kept me mostly isolated from all interaction with other people. Occasionally I came in very brief contact with his spies and servants. That was all. It was not until I was close to taking the last test that he allowed me to serve on missions. It was then that I saw forces other than hatred and anger at work in the universe. I saw they too had power, and I began to wonder."

"Wonder what?" I asked, whispering even though I didn't know why.

He looked at me fully then, skewering me with his eyes again, and for a minute I felt like I was drowning. His eyes are so blue... so intense. He can hold me captive with a single look, and I'm powerless. I felt something surge in my chest, some strange emotion that I didn't want to face, so I squelched it, focusing on his words instead.

"If they were more powerful than the Dark Side."

"If what was more powerful?" I felt breathless, and I wanted to touch him so badly, and I didn't know why, only that it was a need more powerful than anything I could remember feeling in a long time.

"Love and hope," he said.

And instead of commenting on the profoundness of that answer or congratulating him on his progress, all I could think of was how much I wanted to seal my mouth over his and see if his voice tastes as much like warm melted butter as it sounds.

Maul's Personal Log:

I saw longing in my Obi-Wan's eyes tonight.

I do not know if he realized it himself. But it was there. I saw it burning in those blue-green depths as he looked at me.

I do not think he understood the meaning behind my words. The meaning that applies only to him. He is not ready to hear. He is only beginning to accept that there is a bond between us far deeper than that of the Force-formed Master-Padawan bond.

I accept it. I welcome it. I want it. I want him.

Tonight has given me hope that one day he will want me too.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I want him.

There. I've admitted it.

grimly determined look

Now I have to figure out how to get rid of this feeling.

It's wrong! He represents everything I hate!

Well... he did. He doesn't anymore, I know that now. I've talked to him enough and felt his sincerity along our bond that I know he's telling the truth. Whatever he did in the past, he wants to put it behind him.

I can't do that. I will never be able to do that. He took away the person I loved most, and I can never forgive him for that. I can certainly never entertain the idea of letting him be my lover!

So... I have to find a way to purge these feelings. This awful desire I feel when I look at him.

He sparred with Master Windu today, and I just watched, thinking there was no harm in it, but he enthralled me with every move. He is fluid grace. Every motion is poetry of the body. His movements are clean and elegant and so beautiful, I ache at seeing them. It's a feast for my eyes, and a torture for my soul.

I watched him practicing with Master Windu, and my treacherous mind whispered to me, making me wonder what it would be like to hold that lithe body, to feel it against mine, to feel him inside me...

No. I can't let myself think these things. I can't. It's a betrayal of myself and of my Master.

I will never give in to this.

Never.

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan was not feeling well this evening. He seemed more weary than usual. During dinner, he had little appetite, and he touched his forehead often. Finally he admitted he had a headache. After further questioning and no little irritation at me for "badgering" him, he admitted that Anakin had been unwell when he visited and he suspected he had contracted the illness himself.

I did not ask permission to do what I did next. Had I asked, the answer would have been no.

I left my place at the table and stood behind his chair. When he tried to turn around to look at me and likely ask me what I was doing, I put my hands on either side of his head and made him look straight forward again.

It was indicative of how unwell he must have felt that he did not argue or leave.

Concentrating the Force around my hands to assist in soothing and healing him, I placed my fingers at his temples and began to rub there. Small, gentle circles. He sat very tense at first, holding himself carefully away from me, but I felt him gradually relax. Soon he slumped in his chair. Against me.

He leaned back. He rested against my chest.

Slowly I moved my fingers away from his temples and began massaging his scalp. I had good intentions. I wished to soothe away his headache. That I was finally able to sift through his hair as I have long wished to do was an added benefit. I stroked it. It was silken beneath my hands. I leaned over and breathed in the scent of his hair, the scent of him.

He sighed and did not move. I eased my hands lower, rubbing the back of his neck. His skin was soft and warm. I wanted to nuzzle it. To explore it with my lips and teeth and tongue. Instead of pulling away, he bent his head to give me better access.

I pressed firmly with my thumbs, easing away the knots of tension I felt coiled in his muscles. I had no doubt that his entire back would feel the same way. I wanted to help. I wanted to touch him.

"You are tense, my Master." I leaned over and spoke softly against his ear. "Let me help you."

"How?" He cast an uncertain look over his shoulder at me.

I gestured for him to stand up. Still appearing dubious, he did.

"I will massage your back. Do you wish to remain in here on the couch, or will you allow me into your room?" I asked.

/On the bed./ Neither of us spoke the words, but they hung between us.

He hesitated. I could see the doubt in his eyes. Reluctantly he nodded and led me into his bedroom. I did not look around once we were inside even though I had not been in there before. My eyes were riveted on him. My chest was constricted. I could scarcely believe he was allowing this.

He stopped next to his bed and stood there awkwardly for a moment as if he did not know what to do. I Force-raised the lights just enough so that I could see him. I approached him slowly, catching his gaze and holding it, hoping to reassure him without words.

I reached out and ran the neckline of his tunic between my thumb and forefinger. "On? Or off?"

He swallowed hard. His breathing accelerated. Whether from anxiety or anticipation, I do not know.

"Off."

I nodded and moved close enough to unfasten his belt. I did not look at him as I removed it from his slender waist, put it aside and began unwinding his sash. I focused on what I was doing in case the desire I felt rising within me showed in my eyes. His tunics fell open. I slid my hands beneath the light fabric and pushed them off his shoulders. Down his arms. It took all my control not to caress him. To run my hands over every inch of newly exposed skin. To explore it thoroughly.

My hands shook as I folded his tunics and put them aside. I could see Obi-Wan's chest rising and falling rapidly. My eyes were drawn to his naked torso. I greedily drank in the sight of him, memorizing each hard plane of muscle, the flat stomach, the dusky nipples I had barely had the chance to taste. The memory of them beading beneath my tongue rose up unbidden, and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to give in to temptation as I had done before. He was sober. He was not the aggressor this time.

"Sit down," I commanded him, careful to keep my voice quiet and unthreatening.

He obeyed. I knelt and pulled off his boots. Then I directed him to lie down on his stomach. He did so hesitantly. He did not relax. I could see the tension in his body. When I sat down beside him and touched his back, I could feel it coiled beneath the surface of his skin.

"Rest easy, my Master." I sent a wave of reassurance along our bond in case he could sense it even through his shields.

I began massaging his shoulders, digging my thumbs firmly into his muscles, working out the knots I felt there. Focusing my attention on that helped me dampen all thoughts of how smooth and warm his body was and how much I wished I could touch him in different ways than a simple massage.

I worked my way slowly down his back, taking time to knead each muscle until it felt loose and pliant. By the time I reached the middle of his back, he released a shuddery sigh and began to go limp beneath my hands.

By the time I reached his lower back, he was asleep.

I stopped, resting my hands on his hips, just looking at him for a moment. He lay with his head turned to one side. I could see half of his face. In repose, he looked very young. Very vulnerable.

I bent over and kissed the base of his spine. I nuzzled the fine, downy hair in that spot. I ran my hands slowly up along his sides, down his arms and back again. These were touches he would never allow me if he were awake. I felt like a thief, stealing them now. But I could not resist the tempting sight he presented.

I longed to slip into bed with him. To gather him in my arms and curl around him, to sleep that way all night.

Instead I am in my own room. In my own bed. Alone.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I woke up alone, and for some reason, that surprised me. My sleep-blurred mind insisted that there ought to be someone else there, but when I reached out, the other side of the bed was empty and cold. I cracked open my eyes to look, but the other pillow was as plump as ever. No indention to show that someone had rested their head there.

I'm getting depressed again just thinking about it, but there's no logical reason for me to have thought that in the first place.

There's an illogical one, though. When I'd woken up another couple of levels, I remembered the night before. I'd been feeling out of sorts and had a headache, and somehow I let Maul talk me into letting him massage my back.

Well, actually, he started off massaging my temples, and I could tell by the heat and the tingle in his hands that he was Force-healing my headache. It worked, too, and it felt so good...

We ended up in my room, and for a minute, we just stared at each other. The lights were dim, and I couldn't see his expression that clearly--not that it would have done much good anyway. He never gives anything away, not with his face or his eyes. And for once, I couldn't feel anything from him along our bond. It was like he'd shielded too for some reason.

I thought maybe he knew, that he'd guessed I have these... feelings for him. Maybe something had leaked out, or I showed it, and he was disgusted, but then he sauntered to me. That's the only way to describe it. The way he carried himself, the way he moved--he was in control, and he knew it. The roll of his hips as he walked held me enthralled, and all I could do was stare, trying not to pant visibly.

Then amid the total silence of the darkened room, that low, mesmerizing voice: "On? Or off?"

He meant my tunic. He could have meant every stitch of clothing I had on, and I still would have said "yes."

He must have sensed my tension because he leaned over at one point and whispered, "rest easy." It didn't help at all--the sound of that voice brushing against my ear like velvet only aroused me even more, and it was all I could do not to start thrusting against the mattress.

Thank all the listening gods that he'd asked me to lie on my stomach.

And when he touched me... I never thought the hands of a warrior like him could be so gentle. He was slow and methodical, working on each muscle in my back until I felt myself relaxing at last.

I wanted him so much, and I was so ashamed. I still am. I should not feel this way. Not for him, of all people. But I do. Now the question is, what do I do about it? How do I get him out of my mind?

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan is confused. Conflicted. I can sense it.

I am doing nothing to help ease his mind. On the contrary, I have begun taking steps to ensure he cannot possibly forget that I am here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

If I weren't so blasted certain that Maul has no idea I desire him and that there's no way he could possibly feel the same way about me, I would swear he's trying to drive me out of my mind on purpose.

The day before yesterday, he walked out of the bathing room to his bed room wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. And of course he had to take a detour to the kitchen area first to get a snack. He leaned on his hip against the table, calmly eating a piece of fruit while I could scarcely stop gaping at him.

Did he have any idea how delectable he looked? His skin was still damp from the shower, glowing with heat and health, and his hair was still wet, touseled and sticking up because he's determined to keep it in a Padawan cut. The skein of loose hair behind his ear that should be a braid fell over his shoulder, clinging to his skin and sending rivulets of water down his chest. I followed the course of one down, watching it maneuver through the light dusting of hair, down his firm stomach, down to the edge of the towel that was riding indecently low on his hips, down...

My mouth went dry, and I felt like I was starting to shake.

"Would you like a bite?"

Gods, but that was a loaded question if ever I'd heard one, but he meant the piece of fruit, which he was holding out to me. I shook my head, not trusting my voice.

Finally he left, and I retreated to take a very cold shower, silently cursing him for being so oblivious. I have no idea what his... intimate life was like before. I don't even know if he's ever had sex. From what I can tell, his life was completely devoted to training, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. He probably doesn't even realize the effect he's having on me.

Maul's Personal Log:

My Obi-Wan is on the verge of exploding.

Yesterday, I found him in the kitchen, preparing a mid-day meal for himself.

I stood very close behind him and closed my hand over his. He nearly dropped the knife he was holding.

"Let me do that for you, my Master." I spoke in his ear. I have noticed this makes him shiver, and this time was no different.

"No, that's all right. I can do this for myself." He hesitated, then added, "Thank you."

He did not look at me. He concentrated very hard on what he was doing. I did not move.

"Are you certain?" I shifted my stance just enough so that our bodies touched from shoulder to hip. I felt his sharp intake of breath.

"Yes." He was tense. His voice was tight and controlled. "I'm certain."

"As you wish."

I left him. Slowly.

There is desire between us. Now if only I can coax him into admitting it. And acting on it.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

All right, maybe I was wrong. Maybe Maul does realize how I feel.

Today, he stumbled during hand-to-hand practice.

Maul does not stumble.

This is a man who does not walk--he glides. Unless he's headed for me, in which case it seems more like he stalks. He appears to have his body under his total control at all times, and every movement he makes is controlled, elegant and graceful.

But today...

He breaks off, closes his eyes and shivers

Today, he stumbled while we grappled bare-handed, and it just happened to send us both sprawling to the floor--me conveniently pinned beneath him. At first we were both breathing hard from exertion, but he looked at me, our gazes locked, and something passed between us.

For me, everything froze. There was nothing and no one in the world except him, and all I could do was lie there, savoring the delicious weight of his body pressed against the entire length of mine. I wanted to wrap my legs around his hips, grab his face and pull him into a kiss that would make him react. I wanted to see him out of control with passion, I wanted to make him lose that calm composure.

There was no way he could miss the fact that I was aroused; he had to feel my erection. Just like I could feel his. The rest of him might not give anything away, but that was one thing that was beyond his control and that he couldn't hide, not in the vulnerable position we were in. No matter what he thought or felt before that moment, right then, he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

I could see blue embers smoldering in the depths of his eyes, and I wanted to make them erupt into flame. He'd been torturing me for days whether deliberately or not, and it was time for me to get a little revenge, so I tilted my hips up, pressing against him. In that moment, I didn't care about guilt or shame, I was drowning in lust.

He lowered his head, and I knew he was going to kiss me. We had tumbled to the floor with our hands clasped together in a fighting hold as we struggled to win the match, but now he twined his fingers with mine, pinning my arms over my head as he bent closer--

--and my commlink sounded.

I had promised to help Ani with lightsaber practice, and I was late.

At the time, frustration coursed through me as Maul quickly jumped up and extended his hand to help me up, but now I realize it was the best thing that could have happened. If we hadn't been interrupted, he would have kissed me. If he had kissed me... I don't know where it would have led. We might have ended up having sex right there on the practice room floor.

He shivers

I've got to be more careful. I've got to keep my distance until I figure out what to do and how to get rid of this desire I feel for the one man who ought to be my worst enemy. Not my lover.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

For the first time since Naboo, I had a vision while I was meditating. Before Naboo, I had them, not regularly, but often enough to know this was part of my Force-gift. I used to work with Master Yoda a lot to develop the skill because my Master's talent lay in the Living Force. I don't think he ever had a vision or experienced a feeling of premonition like I did. He was too grounded in the moment to heed such warnings.

Since Naboo, I haven't seen or felt anything. I've tried to see my future path, but it's still cloudy. But today--today I saw something without even trying. Today a vision came to me like they used to. Be careful what you ask for indeed!

He pauses, and when he speaks again, his voice is very low and deliberate, almost toneless.

In my vision, I saw myself standing over Maul. I think he was dead. He was sprawled at my feet, not moving. I was in a defense posture, and my lightsaber was activated. At first I thought it was a vision showing me that one day I would have my revenge: I will kill Maul. But then I saw something that makes me doubt that.

Another Maul. Only this one still had the horns and the tattoos, and I could feel the hate and anger rolling off him as he closed in to attack me just like I felt from Maul on Naboo... Just like I've never felt from Maul since he's been here. He's changed all right. Feeling this made me remember, and the difference in him between then and now is staggering.

Now that I think about it, it has to be symbolic. Maybe it's giving me a warning that the Dark Side still has a hold on Maul, and if we're not careful, he'll succumb to it again. It has to be symbolic, because if it isn't, that means there's a clone of Maul out there. And if there's a clone of Maul now or in the future, that means there could have been one on Naboo just like he said, and I'm just not ready to believe that.

Breaks off and reflects a moment

Anyway, the vision shook me up enough that I didn't even think twice, I just got up and ran off to find Maul. I found him in one of the practice rooms with Master Gaelyr and his Padawan, Ettis.

Ettis was slowly walking through a series of moves with a long staff, his face scrunched up as he concentrated on keeping his balance and mobility while handing the unusual weapon. Gaelyr appeared to be just watching the exercise, while Maul seemed to be the one actually directing it. I could hear him giving instructions in a low, steady tone: "Now step forward. One, two...Yes. Watch your wrist...Now back and extend."

Dipping the front end of the staff down in a blocking maneuver, Ettis let the back end come up too fast, and it hit him on the shoulder. Immediately, he stopped and grinned at Maul, who gave him a somber look in return.

"You have just cut off your own arm," he said. "Again."

"What does that make it? Three times?" Ettis asked cheerfully.

"Four. But you are doing well."

Ettis bounded over to Maul and handed him the staff, and I was amazed to see what looked like genuine liking and good humor in the boy's face when he looked at Maul.

"Thanks, Maul. You ought to hold a class on this technique. You're a good teacher," Ettis told him, and I sensed nothing from him but sincerity--he meant it.

Maul further added to my amazement by reaching out and tugging on Ettis' braid. "It helps having a quick learner."

"And so you go from the young and quick to the old and slow," Gaelyr spoke up as he went to retrieve another staff that was leaned against the wall. "Time to watch your Master get beaten black-and-blue," he added with a wink to Ettis, who had retreated to a nearby bench.

As I watched, the two began sparring, and I gradually realized what was going on: Maul was teaching Ettis and Gaelyr how to fight with a double-bladed lightsaber. They were using plain staves now, but I quickly noticed that all blows were struck and parried with the ends, not the center of each staff.

Maul was holding back--I could tell. He was allowing Gaelyr time to learn the moves, teaching through example, rather than just going after him full-strength and leaving the Jedi Master to cope as best he could. The session would have lasted all of thirty seconds if Maul hadn't been pulling back, but instead he let it continue, not pressing the advantage when he could have in order to keep Gaelyr learning and practicing what he was learning.

It was the first time I'd seen Maul use anything resembling his former weapon, and suddenly, images of my vision--the Dark Maul had possessed a double-bladed weapon--came flooding back, and I gasped, a wave of fear sweeping over me. Was this the beginning of his fall into darkness?

I don't know whether he heard my gasp or if he felt my sudden rush of emotion, but somehow, Maul was alerted to my presence. He turned to look--just as Gaelyr aimed a blow to his head, and he fell, knocked over by the force of the blow.

Without thinking, I ran over, pulling up short before I could do anything stupid like fling myself to the floor beside him.

"Oh, hells!" Gaelyr tossed aside his staff and knelt beside Maul, who was struggling to sit up, one hand pressed against the side of his head. "I'm sorry, Maul."

"It is my own fault." Maul removed his hand and looked at it, and there was blood on his palm. "I allowed myself to be distracted."

"Ettis, go get a towel," Gaelyr instructed the boy, who had joined our little group, wide-eyed.

He was gone and back in a matter of seconds, and both Master and Padawan attended to him. I was surprised by their behavior, not only because they were taking lessons from Maul, but they also appeared to be genuinely concerned and wanted to help. Ettis cleaned the wound with the towel while Gaelyr performed enough Force-healing to stop the blood flow. Both of them wanted him to visit the Healers immediately, and Maul appeared slightly embarrassed by all of the attention.

Eventually, they remembered I was there, and Maul was turned over to me with the strict instructions that I take him to the Healers to make certain he hadn't gotten a concussion from the blow.

As soon as we were out of the practice room, I turned and looked at him.

"Well?"

He didn't have to ask what I meant, which means either he was sensing my intent along our bond.... or we understand each other too well.

"I am fine. No healers."

"All right, but if you start feeling any symptoms--"

"I have had concussions before. I know the signs. I am fine," he stated bluntly, and I shrugged.

"As you wish," I said, turning words he often used with me back on him. We walked along in silence for a while, but then curiosity got the better of me. "Why were you teaching Gaelyr and Ettis how to fight like that?"

He remained quiet for a moment, then he said, "The Council believes it is a good idea to include such training techniques in case such a weapon is encountered again. They wished me to work with a Master and Padawan first to assess my teaching ability before expanding to work with an entire class as I am the only person qualified to teach these skills at this time."

"You think it could be encountered again?" I asked softly, feeling a clench of nerves in my stomach as I remembered my vision.

"Yes." Maul looked straight ahead, his expression grim. "I think it is very likely."

Maul's Personal Log:

I have had unsettling premonitions lately.

I sense a disturbance in the Force. When I seek the source in meditation, it invariably leads me to one image: my former Master. He is the cause. I believe that if he is not already here on Coruscant, he will be soon. I do not know why. Perhaps he suspects I am still alive. Perhaps he knows I am. I learned many years ago not to underestimate him. I did not expect to fool him forever, if indeed I fooled him in the first place. He could easily have been lying in wait, setting a trap and letting me wander into it unawares as he did when I was a child.

I will not return to him. I will not allow him to bring harm to the Jedi Temple. I will kill him or die myself before I allow him to harm Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

He stares, wide-eyed and silent

Gods... I can't believe what I did...

If anything happens, it's my fault. I have no one else to blame for my own stupidity and selfishness.

We were on the balcony after dinner talking, just talking, and I'd asked him exactly how he'd managed to escape his former Master since the man had tried to kill him.

"He underestimated me," was the answer. "And he did not burn the body."

I shuddered, feeling my mind recoil as it had so often when Maul talked about his past. There are things so horrific that I can scarcely believe they're real, but he lived them. And he talks about them so calmly, so matter-of-fact.

"I retained enough strength and presence of mind to sever our Master-Apprentice bond," he added. "He taught me that pain was to be conquered and used to fuel my anger and hatred. I used it to fuel my desire for escape."

"How did you free yourself from the Dark Side?" I asked. For some reason, his story fascinates me. I find it amazing that he managed to reinvent himself so completely after years of indoctrination. I don't know if I could have done it. I would like to think I could, but I really don't know. He's strong, I have to give him that.

"Meditation," he said. "Searching deep within myself, seeking out the shadows and bringing them to the Light so that they might wither and die. It was difficult."

If there's one thing I've learned about Maul, it's that he's a master of understatement. If he says "it was difficult," the translation is something along the lines of 'it was about a hundred times worse than the most excrutiating and painful situation you can imagine, a trauma that would probably have broken the mind and soul of a lesser man.'

"I often felt like a battleground between the Dark and the Light. It did not want to relinquish me. I struggled to set myself free."

Just enough feeling and imagery seeped through our bond for me to get a vague hint of what he meant. I felt echoes of his agony as the Darkness tore at him, of the physical and mental torment he suffered as he fought to purge himself of the Dark Side, of the screams that ripped from his throat, leaving it as raw as his flayed soul. I shivered again, grateful that I had never had to experience anything like that.

He's very strong-willed and determined. The more I realize what he had to go through to get to the point he is now, the more I realize he's worthy of respect. I'm not training him. All I'm doing is teaching him the Jedi way of life. He did the hard part himself. Alone. Without any help at all.

This hasn't been easy for him. It's still not easy for him, and... my attitude probably hasn't made things any easier.

Suddenly he lifted his glass to me as if in salute, one corner of his mouth quirking up as if in a very slight smile.

"But I am here now. I would far rather be here completely alone than still bonded with my former Master."

I blinked at him, startled. Alone? Here at the Temple where there were countless people around all the time?

"You're not alone now," I said, but he just gave me a look that said he thought I was being more dense than usual.

"Yes, I am." He set his glass down and moved to stand in front of me. "As you pointed out yourself, most people here do not trust me. Master Gaelyr and Ettis are exceptions. If I am not ignored as I walk the halls, I am pointed at a