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Notes: Well, here's another short piece, a companion for
'Daring'. I'm skipping several years after the battle of Endor.
Pairing: H/Lu
Rating: R
Summary: Han's thoughts about life, flying, and Luke.
Well, yeah, I used to think that freedom means being alive, and when all's said and done, nothing else is worth having. And it's true, because it's the only way to own your life. Take what life throws at ya, and take it to the limit. But living from day to day can mean a whole lot of different things, and the same goes for freedom.
For one thing, it's a way of setting yourself up for letting go. You live by the fire in every moment and don't take anything for granted. Except light and radiation and the g-forces that hold the universe together. That's how you get to skim the edges of all that naked light and power out there. That's how you get to feel the fraction of a millisecond that makes the difference between life and death, and the speeds at which the mind can work -- and when you're riding that high, it's like the very edge of time's rippin' right through your body. Let go, each moment, every breath, your blood up and your head swimmin'. Call it suicidal or hells-bent, but the truth is, you're so full of life, you can feel it right down to the last atom of your body.
That's why I never needed any theories about mystical energy fields controlling my destiny. All the energy's just...there, and it won't tell us what to do with it.
That's the real mystery of living. Infinity around us, intersections of coincidence and the patterns of chaos that make us who we are. And every single choice you make's going to affect those patterns. True, I never used to put it into words like this, and that I'm doing it now just goes to show how much things have changed, I guess.
'Cause there comes a day when there's something you just don't wanna lose anymore, you'd rather lose yourself. Giving it all, having it all, for one perfect moment.
But the question is, what's gonna make you feel that way?
And then, freedom can be just another word for running away, and I've done my share of that, sure enough. But there's a difference between wanting to keep moving and staying unattached. Took me way too long to see that.
All those years ago, I promised myself to stay out of it all. No close involvements, and all that. Yeah, I've had lots of opportunities to study the ugly side of humanity and a couple other species. Comes with the profession that I never would've bet any credits on the inborn goodness of sentient creatures. People are pretty much a product of their survival instincts and drives and circumstances, and I used to think that anything beyond that -- like sky-high ideals -- means blinding yourself to the sordid truth. Or hoping against the odds, at least.
There's people who'll sell their souls to some grand philosophy, and that still gives me the creeps. Independence means you can always turn around and spot the flaws in your own reasoning. I never wanted to depend on any Cause to predict my choices for me. But to rely on people, that's something else. Hitting if off with Chewie got me on track for that lesson long ago. And then I met Luke, and I got myself entangled in his Cause... but more than that, I watched him grow, not just grow up.
He made a difference for a whole lot of people, not just for me, though if you listen to him talk, he can still make it sound like he shouldn't take any credit for it.
Sure, life pushed him into a certain position and he got badly hurt in the process. But each time he gets to that point, Luke will push himself to the limit and reach beyond the limits of reason with nothing except absolute trust. Or maybe I should say faith.
To turn his father back from the Dark Side and liberate a major portion of the galaxy as a side effect. To get me out of the carbon freeze and rescue nothing but my battered old hide. And the point is, it means the same to him, 'cause it's the person that counts, and that person's freedom.
That's how I know he'll never abuse any of the power he's got.
But now Luke's been gone for two months, and I can't blame him. His whole situation's become impossible. The new Senate wants him in a dozen places at once, and they keep looking to him for answers without giving him any time to think.
Half the public treats him like he's bound to grow wings and proclaim himself god. The other half takes him for some kind of impostor who's just using his privileges to meddle with their affairs and tell them how to run their lives. And then there's a small group of us who know he's going to do neither. That he's searching, and that he's never gonna stop looking for the kind of truth most everybody else would run from. It doesn't make him restless -- he's that focused. It just makes him lonely.
Hell, yeah, and it really gets me all steamed up, to see him treated that way. Like he's public property. Besides everything else, he's a man with his own needs and dreams and doubts, but no one really bothers to look at who he is. Like he doesn't deserve that simple recognition. Yeah, freedom. That's what they use it for.
If breaking a couple necks would help... but it won't. And one or two years ago, I might've rushed out after him, just to make sure he doesn't invent another ground-breaking way of getting himself in trouble. Instead, I let him go.
Time for me to make some decisions of my own and think about myself. Maybe that's what he hoped would happen.
Okay, so I've tried to do respectable for a change, and that couldn't last very long. I simply went from one extreme to the other and took it as a challenge, but life doesn't work that way. Part of it was thinking I owed some people, big time. And that it makes sense to fight for somebody else's freedom. Well, it does.
So here I am, hoping against the odds. But once you've got all that freedom, what do you do with it? I can't do politics, and I can't just hit the road and pretend that nothing matters except going at high speeds and testing all the limits. That's no longer enough. Yeah, I can add my share to making things happen -- all the things Luke and Leia have been working for. And watch for the danger signs as this New Republic grows, shelling out promises of freedom and throwing up new rules and barricades at the same time. But that ain't enough either.
I miss him. It's not like I feel empty, more the opposite... like there's too much building up inside me, and I gotta do something about it. Never mind the odds. Take that final step that will make things feel... complete.
And what's it take to make me feel that way?
The truth is, I don't think I'll find all the answers without him.
I've been dead once.
And freedom has taken on a whole new meaning since then.
I used to think you're dead when you wake up in the morning and you know exactly what's gonna happen every moment of the day 'til you bunk down again -- but that doesn't mean the reverse is true. Hunting after the wildest thrills every single day won't make you feel more alive in the long run. Well, life had to hit me over the head pretty hard to bring that message home.
I'm talking about a purpose. Not some abstract idea, but the kind of thing you grow into. Like Luke did. And when I'm looking back on it now, I can see all the decisions I've made, sometimes on a mere hunch, and how they set me on a new track and finally got me to this point.
What it all comes down to is freedom of choice. When you wake up in the morning, free to leave, and you choose to stay and make every moment count. Get the newness, the unexpected out of the life you've chosen instead of chasing it across the galaxy. Grow and move on, with your eyes wide open.
That's why I'm here. Exactly in the middle of nowhere, on a world that beats even Tatooine for desolation. Nothing but a white sun hammering down on stony wastes and wind gnawing accidental faces into the rocks. Cracks in the dry soil, where time's been tracing its own patterns.
Luke will know that I've come to see him. No point in getting impatient now. But yeah, I want to look at him, touch him, tell him I'm ready. For everything.
It's been growing on me over a long time. One feeling after the other, and some of them didn't mesh all that well. Some of it came and went and changed behind my back. Wanting him came easy... All it takes is a closer look at the way he moves, all the effortless balance and power in him, and the passion he radiates like a blazing energy field sometimes. It's like a natural response, something that sparks in my gut and my head at the same time, and I can almost feel his skin under my hands and feel him burn.
We finally got to the point where it almost happened... And the irony is, I got in the way of myself. Right when I'm about to reach out, my own mind starts turning out warnings and holds me back. 'Cause I know Luke. And loving someone like him means a whole lot more than sharing good times and waiting to see how it works. I need to know there's something I can give him, instead of messing him up and making things more com-plicated when he's vulnerable. More than anybody realizes.
He's out here somewhere, to face himself and the future and decide how to make it happen. Nobody's gonna tell him what to do, and that makes the responsibility that much heavier. I can't pretend that I get everything he tells me about the Force, but it's real enough, and I can see how it takes him far and high and then again grinds him down. It's like he's reaching up to that vast, empty sky up there, and he'll never stop, even if it pulls him apart.
There's just one thing I know. He needs to feel himself in all this. He needs to fly again sometime and let go. To be free of himself for a while, and just... be.
I said I owe him one. Yeah, my life, simple as that.
One freedom for another, to make the most of it.
Is he still waiting, and is it me he's waiting for?
No, my hands aren't shaking. But I can feel the blood beating in my veins, all the particles of light and energy dancing in the air, and everything's part of this one moment.
It's going to be his choice now, not mine.
He turns to look at me, his hair bleached by the sun and the whole damn sky in his eyes, and for a moment he looks so much older and incredibly young at the same time. Something's hanging in a weightless balance between us, and nothing at all needs to be said.
He knows how I feel.
Of course he does.