Pairing: H/Lu
Rating: R
"You need to eat."
She'd startled him, so deeply entrenched was he in his thoughts. It didn't happen often; he'd always looked up first, tracking her movements with his eyes before he'd even hear her approach. It was disconcerting that he'd jumped at her voice, this time.
He pushed the untouched tray of food away. "I can't."
It was the same as it had been for days now, ever since Lando and Chewie had left them to find Han. They hadn't heard any news; always, day after day, the same messages came back to them. No sign of him, no sign of Jabba. They were following faint leads on the bounty hunter that were growing fainter day by day. She didn't even know if she trusted the 'scoundrel' Calrissian to do what he said he would, but she knew that Chewie wouldn't stop until he found Han, one way or the other.
Knowing that gave her some comfort; nothing could seem to do the same for Luke. He was fading in front of her eyes, day by day growing thinner and more silent, and less and less solid in front of her. One day, she expected to come into this room and find only a ghost- print of him there, a holographic projection coming out of Artoo. Even his ever-bright eyes had dimmed. He seemed immeasurably older than the boy that she'd first met on the Death Star.
She tried being strong for him, she tried being comforting, both had little or no effect. Maybe pushing him to do something was the only other option.
"This isn't helping, you know," she said, angrily. "I can't worry about you and him and the Alliance."
"I didn't ask you to stay with me."
"No, you didn't! But I'm here, aren't I?" She sighed. "Luke, you're my friend. I'm concerned about you. This brooding isn't healthy, and it isn't like you. Ever since you got back from - wherever it is that you went, you've changed. And not for the better."
She brushed a hand over his eyes. "There's a darkness inside you that I've never seen before. It frightens me, Luke."
He looked at her, the despair for a moment lifting, and smiled. "Don't worry about me, Leia."
"I can't help it. I can't lose you, too, not now - you're too important to all of this. I can feel that."
He smiled again, this time reaching his eyes. "You can, can't you? It must be strong inside you, too."
She shook her head. "What?"
"The Force."
There had always been something - something more than the power and responsibility of her position that had driven her forward, seeking the help of the Jedi Obi- Wan, perhaps the only one who could ensure the victory of the Rebellion. He had died, but there was still something left of him in the world. Luke felt him, she knew that, but it was more - at times, faint in her mind, or in dreams, she felt him as well.
It wasn't something that she wanted to believe, or even think about; there were too many other tangible things to worry about, without adding this inexplicable shiver that ran through her body at times; at other times a certainty of purpose and outcome at once, even amidst battle. Other people had called it stubbornness, had said that it made her icy and unfeeling and over- confident of herself, but it wasn't the case at all. It was something overwhelming and it made her frightened and feel very small and insignificant at times, and that was why it was easier to just tuck it away.
She had known, instinctively, that there was no-one that she could talk to about it, until she found someone who would know without being told. That was the way it worked. They found you, not the other way around. And so, it had happened. Luke had found her. And still, she didn't want to believe what she'd believed for so long already.
They walked around each other for days, waiting. The inactivity was driving both of them a little mad, and she longed for an end to this shaky peace. She tried to stay away from him but couldn't; she knew that they were hurting each other and didn't know why. Every time they saw each other, something else came out and added another piece to the wall that was simultaneously driving in between them and building their bonds. There were echoes of a sadness that he would not share with her, and she was glad of it, too glad to press him to talk. She wanted to just walk beside him, but eventually, inevitably, one or the other of them would speak. Even his voice was taking on a hollow tone.
"It's my fault that Han is gone, you know. My fault that Vader trapped all of you."
He'd said the same thing before, but she had never allowed him to finish. Beating himself up over what had happened on Bespin wasn't going to do anyone any good.
"Luke - "
"No." He stopped her. "It was me. Somehow, he knew to use you as bait to lure me there. My feelings betrayed you and Han and Chewie to him, and led him straight to you. If it hadn't been for me, you never would have ended up on Bespin, in that trap. I was halfway across the galaxy, and he still felt it."
"It could have been any one of us."
"No. You know it's not true. And it was more than that. I knew going in that I couldn't beat him and I fought him anyway. It was what he wanted, but I didn't understand that and I didn't know what else to do. Yoda, Ben - they both tried to tell me that I wasn't ready to go up against him, but I didn't listen. I followed my heart - "
"But how could they expect you to do anything else?"
"I should have listened to them. I went to them for training, and I didn't learn anything. I almost destroyed myself and all of the people that I care about. I should have listened to them and followed my destiny instead of my feelings."
He held her hands in his own; one flesh-and-blood, one mechanical, it took her less than an instant to remember which was which.
"I'm only now starting to understand what it is that's inside me, Leia. It's more than a feeling like this," he said, squeezing hard, "the Force; it's feeling something without touching it, knowing it without knowing why. It's belief. People, life, the things around you that you can feel with your hands and your heart, they're the voices that shout out at you. The Force is more like - "
" - faint voices, inside your head, all the time," she finished for him.
He smiled at her. "You do know."
She shook her head. "I don't know why I said that."
"No, but you'll learn. Hopefully, you'll learn better than I did."
They walked a little more, always coming back to the same place on the ship.
"Love is what makes it stronger, isn't it?"
He nodded. He knew what she was talking about. They were staring out the viewer, as if their sheer will would bring the 'Falcon back.
"Part of it."
"I can't feel him." She paused. "I want to believe that he's alive, that he's all right and we're going to find him, but I can't feel him anywhere."
"He's all right," Luke said, squeezing her hand.
She looked at him, startled, but he was smiling at her. The certainty was there in his eyes, meant to comfort her, and then she knew with absolute clarity that Han was all right. The realization should have made her far happier than it did. But it was cold comfort; it came at a cost too dear for her to think about right away.
She smiled a smile that she couldn't feel, wondering if he knew it was a lie, and said, "You look tired, Luke. You should lie down. Get some rest."
He smiled. "I am tired." He kissed her on the cheek. "He's going to be all right, you know."
She nodded at him, the smile fading from her face as soon as he turned away from her.
Luke went back to his room to rest, but she stayed there, watching nothing. His voice echoed in her mind. He's all right. over and over again, replaying like a holo-loop on a malfunctioning droid. It wasn't a casual reassurance, or a platitude to mollify her feelings. Wanting it and knowing it were two very different things. She wanted it. He knew. He could feel it.
And she couldn't.
She blinked her eyes and the viewer once again came into focus before her. The force of will had finally worked: the 'Falcon appeared magically before her, with Lando and Chewie aboard. From the looks of the ship, it hadn't been an easy voyage; from the looks on their faces, she knew instantly - they'd found Han.
When they told her what they'd found out she warred with herself a single minute before deciding to go with them, now, leaving them to plan the rescue en route to Jabba's. She told herself that she was letting Luke rest, that he needed more time to rehabilitate before he could use his hand fully, that he would know where to find them anyway, without being told in person. Besides, it would be safer if Luke stayed here, if he was such a threat to them where Vader was concerned; the last thing they needed was to fight the Empire and Jabba together.
She told herself all of these things, over and over again, almost believing them. It was only that little, faint voice that never ceased, the one that wouldn't let her lie to herself anymore, that knew the truth. If Luke came to them, without being told, then it was real, and she wouldn't be able to ignore it. If he didn't - then he'd made the choice for her. He would give up what was his right, his heart - Han. For her.
The idea that they were deciding all of these things without Han even being aware of it struck her as mildly ridiculous; somehow, he was the least of her problems. She knew him well enough to know that he loved them both just as he always had and even more now because it had a name; deciding what to do about it was something that she and Luke had to do, without him.
Before she knew it they were heading again for Tatooine. How ironically appropriate it was that they should go back now to where it had all begun for the three of them. She tried to clear her mind, thinking of nothing. But even when the shouting voices around her silenced, it always came back to that faint voice inside. Luke had said that love made it stronger - no, he said that it was part of it. It was love, in a way. Love, and responsibility, and choice, and belief. Somehow she knew that whatever happened, he would come.