Rated: PG
Warnings: if you like sexual innuendoes... and riddles, try to figure them out
Notes: For Sarah Saint Ives, one of the most courageous authors in ficdom. She brings us such laughter and sweetness and happy endings that we can forget ourselves for awhile. Sarah, you enrich our fandom with your wit and charm.
Simon was very annoyed. Lately the rumors had been flying like vultures that two of his best men were not only partners, but "partners," too. He'd heard Ellison's and Sandburg's names mentioned as the likely suspects.
He thought to himself, "I was promoted to Captain of my department because I'm the best damn detective in Cascade, and never mind Jim's senses or his Cop of the Year Awards."
Simon decided to do a little private investigation and see what he could see and hear what he could hear, and then decide what he should do.
Capt. Banks grabbed an armload of files should anyone question, if they dared, his reasons for intruding on his men's work. He gently eased opened his office door and eyeballed the two men sitting so closely together at Jim's desk.
Softly, as only a big man can sneak, he sidled over until he was slightly behind them. Sure enough, something was going on. Blair was patting Jim's upper thigh.
Simon was distracted by Officer Douglas dropping his cruller, splat, on the floor, and dropping down for his squashed snack, so he only heard half of what Blair had just said to Jim..."if I were on you, I'd be-cumming, too."
Holy Moses! What the heck did Sandburg just say?
The door to the break room was slammed and Simon turned his head to see Officer Douglas returning with a load of paper towels. Damn, and what did Jim just reply to Blair..."I'm not playing hard to get, I AM HARD to get."
And, oh Lord, did Sandburg just answer with, "A hard man is good to find..."?
The files nearly fell out of Simon's grasp. Holy Toledo, has our water supply been spiked with...but he noticed that Jim and Blair both had bottles of Cascade Refreshing Rush on their desk. Damn, the water's okay.
Megan entered the bullpen wearing a T-shirt proclaiming "Female Cops Have Larger Busts!", so of course Simon's eyes popped and wandered over the the filler between the F and the s!..which were stretched all the way across...
Holy Mama, get your mind back to Batman and Robin. He craned his neck to see Jim tracing his fingeers around and around in a circle on Blair's fourth finger, saying..."finger goes in me, you fiddle with it when you're bored..."
Now. God.
He decided to confront Ellison and Sandburg but wanted to think of a way to do so without admitting he'd been eavesdropping on a private conversation.
Megan dropped her handbag on her desk. It promptly fell off the edge, and she bent...over. Simon silently cursed as she str--ettttt--ched her gluteous muscles to retrieve it. Damn, Ellison was talking again. What'd he just say? He was caressing Blair's curls and did he just say..."It's hard, about 6 inches long, has 2 nuts..."
Blair had interrupted him with, "It'll make you fat, Jim."
Now, Simon, now! Only. Megan's bag had overturned with thingies catapulting out and she got on all-fours and crawled on her knees, her backside tilted up, halfway under her desk, so he nearly missed Blair saying, "Yeah, I sure can find it in your pants, it's about yay long--" and he gestured with hands spread about half a foot apart. "It has a head on it. I love it so much sometimes I blow on it."
Simon gulped and began to see red, right before he choked.
Henry Brown sceamed, "Dammit! Come on, Rafe, Bullyweaver says they're at Diddledumps Street already, waiting for the Icepick and his gang to show. Cap'n, we're headin' out!"
Simon remember to nod as Brown and Rafe scurried out, so it was no longer a surprise to him to see Jim and Blair headed for the elevator, deep in conversation.
Simon slowly...rushed to the lift. With the dinging elevator bell and the noise of a busy station, he only heard smidgens..."going in might cause you pain...cause you to spit...not...swallow...fill your hole..."
The doors popped open and Jim steered Blair inside. Why does Jim do that? Simon pondered. Always touching him on the back like Blair's a child who's never been in an elevator and might get scared his first time...and did he say Fill Your Hole?
Simon stepped in next to Jim.
"Hi, Simon."
"Jim. where're you and Sandburg headed?"
"Thought we'd have an early lunch before meeting Horsegabber and Gooberdribbler to iron out some kinks before we go undercover inside Phallus Prophylactics."
Simon's lips tightened, about to bring up the subject searing his brain, when the elevator shivered to a standstill. They hit bottom.
Blair ejaculated out of the lift into the parking garage. Jim hurried behind him, always, with that damn hand patting, caressing, rubbing, petting on Blairback.
He hurried after them, then halted, not sure if he really wanted to know their deep secrets. He reached them just as they'd gotten up into the truck. Jim was rolling down his window and he heard, or misheard Blair telling him, pointing back over Simon's shoulder, "All day long, in me, in and out, in and out...discharging loads from my shaft..."
Simon's boot clung to goo on the pavement. He imprecated a profane oath on the Wrigley family, raised his head to hear Jim reply..."go down on me."
Jim cranked up the Ford, and with a whiff of no-lead, they were gone before Simon could get his mind in warp and his tongue in warp speed.
"Aw, fergit it. I am...I'm not going there. No way! Let them live in their own little world. And you know something Simon Banks, you don't really want to know."
Simon re-entered the shaft.
The end of the riddles. Can you guess the answers?