Journal, 1995

Wednesday 25^th January 1995

This is the first of this year's entries. Pa bought me a cockatiel some time ago—it is a pale yellow/white. A fortnight ago (or thereabouts) I went to the secondhand bookstores and bought a heap books! Tomorrow is Australia Day, so Monday next week I will be going back to school.

Saturday 11^th February 1995

Last Sunday I fell in the pool while cleaning it—fully clothed! And there was a little frog in there—I played with it a little while then let it go.

Saturday 25^th March 1995

Yesterday it was my birthday! From Damien I got a cactus, ma and pa a watch, 3 china vases and a rocking chair with a rabbit in it. From Siphay a glass dolphin, Saysamone fake roses and Meas a rabbit doll. Some weeks ago I went out and bought a pile of clothing. I got the 2 books from Ashton Scholastic on Tuesday. Today I cut my hair short, just below my shoulders.

Friday 15^th April 1995

On Monday I had my English oral symposium. I did Bob Ewell, and had to be an obnoxious man, full of anger, racist and interrupt all the time. I got a VHA for it—the highest mark I have ever gotten for an oral! 4 ticks in the 'A' section! On Wednesday at 7pm I went to the disco -- my first ever! I had heaps of fun. I danced one of the slow dances with Tim Layet—ick. My legs are still aching from around 3 hours of dancing! Yesterday I received my interim report. For everything I have gotten Cs, except for IPT and English. For them I got Bs. School holidays from today until the week after next.

Sunday 30^th April 1995

I have lice. I have had an itchy scalp for ages, suspected it, but now I have proof. I, five minutes ago (it's 11:08pm) was scratching my scalp when I caught one. Looks big to me. I wonder how I caught them. We're going to have the kitchen renovated. Cool designs. Yesterday I knitted a bit. Peter was here. Yesterday Damien broke into the school and stole some chips out of the tuckshop.

Tuesday 16^th May 1995

On Friday (night) Damien got drunk, and so did Ben, but D & W think he was faking it. Damien was crying for more vodka and cigarettes, so we (W & me) took him downstairs. W kept threatening to leave if he didn't keep quiet, so he stopped being noisy. I made Ben sleep—he kept feeling my arse and breasts.

We are getting the new kitchen in—yesterday one side, tomorrow, the other. I am having more fun now for some reason—probably because I am beginning to understand myself. I have been cleaning out and throwing things away for the last couple of days—things I have kept for years. Damien flogged this fisherman's lovebird from a pet store—can you imagine? Have I mentioned this?—we have a guinea pig! It's rather cute, although it stinks. Damien stole me a book on Thursday—You Belong to Me, by Johanna Lindsey. It is a really thick book, but he owed me and did it. Isn't that a first!

Thursday 18^th May 1995

Today Billy stole my apple—and he threw it away (at Lunch 1). So, Saysamone gave me a piece of her salad roll that she had bought at the tuckshop. It must have been bad, because not half-hour later I was feeling really sick. (I'm still feeling sick, some 11 hours later at 10.30pm). An archipelo [a capella] group performed at school today. Unfortunately, I was feeling extremely ill at the time, and the loud singing (noise) made me even worse. The kitchen is done—looks rather good, really. Elizabeth's cousin, Scott, the one fresh out of boy's home, has about 50% of the girls drooling over him (me a little—for the first day). He has not even been at school the week, and he is already going out with Lisa Lovett—how puking! Yesterday, I went to the Logan Library—and apparently someone has used ma's library card number to borrow out a book! I complained about it (nicer to say informed them), and Kelvin saw to it and filed out a claimed return form. Can't do much more than that, can I?

Tuesday 26^th September 1995

You know what Damien did yesterday? He SPANKED me! He flipped me over the armchair and paddled my backside! Of all things. I must admit I was being annoying, but … spank his older sister! Today he was a veritable devil, annoying me all day. He must take some perverse delight in me yelling at him. I know I don't often do let myself yell, but today I even nearly hit Ma, which is saying something. A lady came today who was advertising some "number plates" or suchlike, when Ma found out she went on and on, trying to find out what she wanted to sell. I didn't tell her, knowing she would tell her tall stories afterwards about her manic "network" beliefs. She went violent, tried to take my book away and started punching—real hard, so I had to forcibly grip her—and started throwing in my face my inability to fight with Pech. What a bitch. I really should control my temper, especially at "this time of the month", when it usually flares. Most recently I have been more ready to throw punches, though if I did they would be pathetic, as it isn't something I can do—hurt people emotionally or physically without feeling guilt and/or saying sorry. Practically grovelling, especially if not family (Ma or Damien). The holidays are so boring. Today I was meant to go to the city with Saysamone and all them, including a pile of guys, but I didn't go, feeling not up to it. I did some housework instead.

In this home I have no respect. Dad put the cat out, and when I protested, he laughed, and waved it away as if it were no concern, as if all of the flea bites I have all over my body are of no concern. I have scratched until I nearly bled, and he only laughs. Damien treats me with derision and scorn. Just then I was washing my face when he began to forcibly shove me out of the way. He then jeered at me. I also have feelings, and it hurts when my family does not take my wishes seriously and treat me like dirt. I have never treated Damien as badly as he is treating me. I hurt. I suppose it is my own fault. I don't stand up for myself anymore. I have to try to be harder, more assertive, or everyone will continue to trample over me forever.

Saturday 3^rd June 1995

Yesterday I went over to Elizabeth's and we went to a biker's club. We ate some food and then we came back and I slept over at her place. I slept on Victoria's bed. I think that they are lucky not to have gone mad with Tom—man, he is one hell of a rude man. Swearing and all! I'm doing a puzzle at the moment for mummy. Tests all next week.

Monday 3^rd July 1995

On the 17th June I went to Tarryn's birthday sleepover. We drank port and coke—Tarryn became slightly drunk. We watched Interview with the Vampire, which was really excellent. Cindy, Diane and Tarryn were continually smoking. I offered Cindy for her to live with us—I must have addled my wits. Oh! Damien got caught breaking and entering on Sunday—the day before. Megan was at the party also, as well as Laura. Last week Tuesday I had my teeth filled. Man, the drilling hurt! I also had my hair trimmed. That whole week Ma and I went out and bought me piles and piles of clothing. It's amazing! Today we went out again—and bought me a pair of shoes—moccasins. I bought myself the 6th book in the Wheel of Time series of books—Lord of Chaos—by Robert Jordan. I need to get the two previous, The Shadow Rising and Fires of Heaven.

Tomorrow I go back to school. End of the holidays. A new semester. All my teachers told me that I passed all my subjects last semester, so I hope to have it proved.

Saturday 8^th July 1995

On Thursday I went to the City and bought The Shadow Rising and Fires of Heaven. On the way there I didn't pay anything. I also saw Casper. Real good movie, that. I didn't tell ma where I was going, so she cried. It was raining—pouring down. Last night I went to Elizabeth's house and slept over. We went to the club again. I had fun although I was a tad bit cold.

Saturday 22^nd July 1995

I have just come home from seeing "Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. It was excellent! (for a school production) Saysamone was supposed to drop me off back home, but we became separated and so I walked home. Pech, Kim, Meas, Siphay, Saysamone and I sat next to each other.

Sunday 2 weeks ago the family went to Mt Tambourine for the day, then Damien and I went to the movies—we paid to see Congo then snuck into Batman Forever. We were so nervous! Even Dami, which is very rare! On my Australians Schools Science Competition I got 23 out of 45.

I have passed all my subjects—4 B's and 2 C's ! I will do my utmost (not!) to improve, but I don't think that I will receive As this year or next year.

Saturday 29^th July 1995

On Wednesday Mr. Cox said something I never did remember; he said that when I was in grade nine, maybe after being here a month, he shaved off his beard and I pointed and laughed. I don't remember doing this! Thursday was even odder. I went to Logan Central Library, and, upon entering, I must have looked sad, as an old man said to me, "don't look so sad, he'll come back", or something to that effect. I mean, how surprising! On Tuesday after school, Wayde and Dami wagged school and we went out to the library. After that we went to the Art Gallery, where there was this book you put your name in. Damien put Sex Horny and such words in there. After that we went to the sandpit, where we mucked about. My arms hurt from hauling myself about for the next two days!

Wednesday 20^th September 1995

Man, it's been ages! I am now in the school holidays. I went to leadership camp last week at Koonjewarre (?) at Springbrook, right on the NSW border. The place is lovely, very green, and as it is in the mountains, the air is clean. We walked for miles (literally) to see the views. Unfortunately, I didn't take a camera. I shared a unit with Laura, Tarryn, Cindy, Sharna, Tanya VDR and Alison. Boys paraded through it day and night, though. Each morning, as I came out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around me, there was a boy (1st, Billy, 2nd, Raymond). All the others screamed for the door to be shut if they were changing jumpers, and I had the door AND the window wide open stark naked! Laura and I wrestled (needless to say, she always won, and then with Tarryn (I won), then with Vincent W., with whom I tied. Freezing it was there. When we came back to Woodridge, all cheered.

Sunday 24^th September 1995

Yesterday Dami and I watched Waterworld—rather a good movie—at the cinemas. Luckily this time I didn't rush to the toilet 3 times like last week! Today I practiced the traditional dancing at the Ky house -- we also had a barbecue. Siphay and Saysamone were there also. Kim didn't turn up. I had loads of fun and couldn't stop laughing—some of what happened was just hilarious. They invited me to go to the City with them on Tuesday—I'll probably be going. I'm trying to tidy up and throw things I don't use away, but I just simply can't. I will donate the magazines, though. I've been tearing out what I want to keep. I own so much rubbish! You know, I should lose some weight. I mean, I'm a size 14 right now! I'll be wearing 16s soon.

Monday 9^th October 1995

Damien is 14 now; last Wednesday it was his birthday. On Friday in HRE out class was doing problem solving, and Megan said that once, upon a comment I made that I wouldn't hit anyone, that Pech and I looked to come near to blows. Saturday was boring. On Sunday it rained all day and I crocheted for many hours outside on the verandah. Today at school there was a band that nearly gave me a headache. Laura pested me some—you know how one rubs their knuckles on your head? Well, she did that. Maybe going to Peru for the holidays.

Wednesday 18^th October 1995

On Monday I went to the book exchange and bought 6 books. One was by Terry Brooks. Yesterday I played a joke on mum. Holding a pile of paper to put in the bin, wearing raggedy clothes and barefoot, I announced that I was going out, and would be back soon. Saying so, I went downstairs, dumped the paper in the bin, and opened and shut the front gates. Coming back up the stairs, ma was at the door peering down. It was SO funny! She actually thought that I was going out! She thought it funny too—she laughed and called me cagona.

After, I was trying to sit on Damien on his top bunk, when I fell off. I started crying and put my arms up for a hug. I got hauled to my feet, and he kissed my cheek and hugged me, telling me not to cry. He then went and got me an icepack for my ankle, which I hurt on the way down (okay, so I exaggerated).

Today Megan A. made me so mad—she was throwing dirt at me, which made me want to smash her. My temper being high, I came home to a whining, angry mother, so I swore at her when she turned the music down, and got thumped for it. I bashed her back and we started in. Wayde had to pull us apart.

Friday 27^th October 1995

On Saturday last week, Saysamone invited me to a Laos party. So I went. First they took me to Siphay's house to put makeup on me and change my clothes. I took off my glasses, too (blind as a bat afterwards). Anthony took a liking to me—he made Siphay take me outside to talk to me. Out there, he was almost incomprehensible—what I did make out was an offer of beer, which I took up, and his pointing out various ex-girlfriends. He then asked me if I was a whore, if I was a slut like [name taken out in case of slander]! Surprise of the year! I walked away with Saysamone when she came for me, and went back inside. I drank rum—it didn't get to me. Anthony asked me to dance, and I accepted (stupidly), then he asked if I wanted a "fuck". I said no thanks and tried to ignore him after that. I came home 1am Sunday, and was locked out. I had to climb in through Dami's window. What I found amazing is that Saysamone and Edyta kept saying I looked so pretty! (Their words, not mine)

On Wednesday I stayed home as it was uniform-free and I didn't feel like going. Monday my periods came and it was painful, so I was in a bad mood—everyone noticed and stayed out of my way. Neat, huh!

Sunday 5^th November 1995

Wednesday Laura and I spent the day at the Logan West School Support Centre scanning photos—Friday also, though that day we went back to do and English oral. Yesterday I didn't do much, although I slept through a thunderstorm. Last night there was another one and I couldn't go to sleep—I kept thinking I was on the boat and practically shit myself. Today it rained again in the evening, and everyone was out. When the power went out, I was so frightened I nearly started crying. Ran outside and got wet—pretty dumb of me.

Friday 17^th November 1995

On Monday morning I went to the Awards night—I received two merits for IPT and Biology. It became sooo boring so we left at 10pm, and those who stayed said that they left at 11pm. It was supposed to have finished at 9.30pm! Megan received all her subject awards and another HUGE award (Zonta)—$200! Today we had an English test—though next week I am riddled with tests. We finish in 2 weeks time. Isn't that great? Damien says that I am fat, that I should go to Jenny Craig's. My vow is to lose most of my weight by the end of the Christmas holidays. I really think that I will. (I hope).

Thursday 30^th November 1995

Today is the last day of school! Yippee! I've finished Year 11! Tomorrow we'll all go to Dreamworld. During the holidays I will undergo TIP training. I received an A for Chemistry. Saysamone gave me a stuffed puppy for X-mas, so I gave her my Marilyn figurine. As far as I know, I have passed all of my subjects. Oh, well, Nadia is leaving for Italy in January. We all got our (Year 11's) school mag today. Looks kinda good. Corey's birthday today.

Saturday 2^nd December 1995

Yesterday at Dreamworld I had fun with Meas—originally we were in a group of 7, but Chris H. was there so we left. We went on the Thunderbolt, and on the Graviton—I felt sick. I bought a really, really tiny bible—it's so cute! I also bought a keyring from Tiger Island—man, everything is a rip-off! We had tons of fun—just us two—and we meandered all over the place. There was no taps on fountains so I had to buy a Coke—what prices! Today I am a little blue—I hope it goes.

Tomorrow I might go to the Sunday markets in the City.

Friday 22^nd December 1995

On Monday Damien went to work with Dad at a church and he stole a pile of pendants and things. He gave me most of them, though I still feel a little leery of accepting them. Yesterday I entered a pile of songs into 'Pianoman' and also made them into a program. Three days until Christmas, and for some reason, I am beginning to despise this season. Damien is going to buy a Mega Drive with 6 games. He bought it. He also got me The Lion King video. I met an old man named Ron at the library today. We spoke on and on—we met when he asked, "What country are you from?" (yeah, okay, so not original). He kept telling me I was pretty and suchlike.

Tuesday 26^th December 1995

On Sunday ma and I sent to Big W and bought a tapestry for me (cross-stitch) and an embroidery hoop. I have started it. Yesterday for Christmas we went to Tom's. For a gift I received a set of bath things. When we were there I became bored and so I did some cross-stitch. Damien is sleeping over at Ben's now. I have the Mega Drive all to myself. Yippee!