by HollyIlex
A party?
Skinner's idea. He and I... well, we've discovered we have quite a lot in
common. Working together to defeat the Consortium gave us time to work past
our differences and our history to find the common ground.
We became friends. If I'd like more... well, I'm a realist. I'll take
friendship, it's more than I ever hoped for.
Hence my presence at this party in Skinner's apartment.
I suppose I should've been grateful it wasn't held in Mulder's basement
office.
I felt, well, perhaps not as bad as a fish out of water, but certainly like
a rat out of his sewer.
Scully kept glaring at me.
Even when we were all working together, she never once as much as smiled
when I was in the room. Never addressed me as anything except 'Krycek' and
always managed to say those two syllables in freezing tones of absolute
contempt.
Which made the decision I was currently wrestling with all the harder.
Mulder looked like he wanted to hit me—no change there, then.
Those three kooks Mulder called friends were huddled in a corner as if I
might attack them any minute.
The handful of others who were there—all Fibbies, of course—carefully
ignored me as if their shining little careers would be tarnished if they
spoke to me.
Hah! Without me they'd have had no careers, shining, tarnished or otherwise.
Skinner couldn't stay by my side all evening.
And my arm was hurting.
Mulder finally gave up glaring at me and strolled across the room.
"So," he said, his voice a parody of friendly, "What's next for you,
Krycek?"
The room went quiet, waiting for my answer. What? Did they think I was going
to admit to having plans to smuggle heroin for a living? Or anything else
illegal? With a room full of Fibbies?
"Me?"
"You. We've all been discussing our future plans. Scully's going to teach at
Quantico for a while, I'm resigning from the Bureau to do a post-grad in
Psychology... Masters, Phillips, Adamson and Fournell over there are set for
a great career with the F.B.I. What about you? Got something good lined up?"
I shrugged.
"I'll survive, Mulder," I said. smirking.
I had a better pension plan than he did, after all. I had the numbers of the
Consortium's Swiss bank accounts—and there was no-one else left to spend
the money.
"Don't bet on it," he hissed. "You still have enemies."
I smirked again, then saw Skinner looking concerned and switched to a more
socially acceptable expression—bland politeness.
"What about Skinner?" I asked, for something to say. "You didn't mention
him."
Skinner joined us. I should've known he would. He seems to think I need
protection.
"I'm retiring," he said. "Resting for a while and then I'll think about what
to do. Maybe travel."
I glanced up at him but as usual his face betrayed nothing.
I shrugged again, hoping my face hid my fear for my future.
Mulder wandered over to talk to his funny friends, presumably they are more
entertaining than I am.
I felt Walter's hand on my arm.
The right arm.
"What about you?" he asked, softly.
I hesitated, almost tempted to tell him the truth.
Old habits die hard.
"I don't know," I said. "I've enough money... I've travelled enough... I'll
just find somewhere nice and put down roots."
Yeah, right. Pretty little house, white picket fence and a dog.
Does that sound like me?
I thought I'd fooled him but I was wrong.
"Stay and help me clear up?" he asked.
I couldn't refuse when he looked at me with those eyes. They remind me of
Hershey Kisses. Chocolate brown, sweet... I can't resist Kisses either.
"Yeah, sure," I said.
Casual. I can do casual.
"You can crash here afterwards if you like."
"Thanks."
Skinner's couch beats sleeping rough.
Okay, so I can get money. I just don't have any on me. I've had other things
to do besides transfer funds into my bank account. So his couch is my best
offer. Better than sleeping rough in the cold and the wet.
Even his balcony beats sleeping rough—yeah, been there, done that, and it
was cold.
Skinner's mellowed towards me since the day he hit me and cuffed me to his
balcony railing.
There's been a lot happened since then.
He's read the files.
The ones which outlined the nanocyte testing plans.
I suggested Skinner as an alternative to the original plan, a large high
school in Washington State. I said the leverage we'd get would benefit us
more and Skinner was in just as good position to test whether
person-to-person nanocyte transmission was a problem.
They were only planning on infecting about ten or fifteen pupils of course,
not the whole school... one Skinner against about a dozen sixteen year old
girls and boys. It was overkill, we only needed one good test subject, I
knew it and they knew it. My alternative was both more reasonable and had
fringe benefits.
Even Skinner admitted he preferred my solution.
Of course, only I had the skills to get close enough to infect him... I
hated doing it but I knew Walter Skinner well enough to understand that he
would die for those kids...
And he did.
Bringing him back was my idea.
Lost in thoughts of our shared past, I missed the break-up of the party.
No-one said good-bye to me.
I helped Skinner with the clean-up although with only one arm I was of
limited use, but he seemed to like my company.
Then he poured us both a drink and sat next to me on the couch.
"Suppose you tell me about it," he said, concern in his brown eyes.
"What's to tell?" I said. "It's over and I'm free."
"Free to do what though? Free to starve? Free to beg on the streets?"
"Yeah." I said, thinking this would be an easy get-out.
"Balls," he said, grinning at me. "You'd never be in that position. Anyway,
you've already told me you've enough money to live."
Shit! I cast my mind back over the evening and sure enough, I had said I'd
enough money to live. I shook my head slowly. I was losing my edge.
A warm hand on my back made me jump, almost spilling my drink.
"Sorry," he said, stilling but not removing his hand.
I smiled.
"S'okay," I said, "I guess I'm a little jumpy."
"I guess you are," he said, smiling back at me as that huge hand started
drawing slow circles on my back.
I tried not to enjoy the feeling too much, tried not to relax back into what
felt like a caress but... no-one had caressed me for so long, how would i
know what was or wasn't one?
So I relaxed. I enjoyed.
Skinner took the drink from my hand and put it on the table.
I felt myself tugged gently sideways. The hand on my back never stopped but
now my head was resting on Skinner's shoulder.
I should've freaked at this point. Made my apologies, and got out of there.
Suddenly remembered I had to go and see a man about a dog.
Yeah, the dog to go with the house and the white picket fence. Why not add a
wrap-around porch?
But I didn't. I relaxed. I enjoyed.
I laid my head on that broad shoulder and I felt that big hand stroking my
back and I loved every minute of it.
When Skinner's other hand gently cupped my face, turning it, when I felt him
shift... I opened my eyes, I didn't remember closing them but I must have
done as I had to open them to see what Skinner was doing.
I was just in time to see his face getting close to mine and I closed my
eyes again before I was undone by the tenderness in Skinner's eyes as his
face moved closer to mine.
His lips brushed mine.
I moaned softly.
His lips returned to brush gently across my lips, then along my jaw. As if
of its own accord, my head tilted, inviting further exploration.
I felt his mouth curve into a smile against my face, his breath warm as he
whispered my name as if praying.
"Alex."
My arm curved around him, my hand fluttering up the sweep of his broad back,
finally resting on the fringe of hair around his skull.
I wanted my other hand. I wanted to be able to bring my other hand up, to
cup his face, to hold his head and stroke his cock, to wrap him up in my
arms and make him mine.
I wanted it so badly it hurt.
I knew then what I would have to do and terror blasted through me.
Skinner noticed. He stopped his gentle caressing of my face and neck
although the large hand on my back still stroked me.
"Alex?"
My throat closed and I couldn't speak.
I felt him pull back and look at me.
"Is it something I've done?"
He sounded distressed at the thought. I wanted to reassure him but the words
wouldn't come so I shook my head.
"Alex, whatever it is, you can tell me. Please."
I was horrified when I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I could not let anyone see me cry. I don't do tears. I've seen and done
things that would give you nightmares for the rest of your life. I've been
on the receiving end more often than I care to remember and still, even when
I lost my arm, I may have cursed and screamed but I didn't cry.
Yet there I was, in Skinner's apartment, in Skinner's arms, undone by a
little caring.
"Alex," he said, pulling me closed, resting his head on mine. "It's okay,
let it all out and we'll talk about it later."
I should have been terrified at the thought.
Skinner wanted me to cry on his shoulder and then he expected me to talk.
I was Alex Krycek, assassin, tough guy, bad boy of the Consortium, the one
you called in for the difficult jobs, the messy jobs, the ones that needed a
man with no conscience, no feelings...
I curled myself as close as I could get, buried my face in the curve of his
neck and cried.
He seemed unfazed. He stroked me, murmured things, none of which I could
remember afterwards, and held me tightly.
I wanted to be able to hold him like that.
The reminder made me cry some more.
He just held me as I calmed down, didn't badger me with questions, didn't
demand to know why I was upset. It was strangely reassuring.
Finally I felt I could trust my voice to work.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to lose it like that."
"This whole thing has been hard on us all," he said gently. "Now it's
over... some reaction is inevitable. Healthy. I happen to know both Mulder
and Scully have indulged in a few tears, and my Mom came for a visit last
week..."
"Must've come as a shock to her," I ventured.
"No," Skinner said. "She's the one I've always turned to. I should've
realised... I never felt I could trust Sharon with my tears."
"Bad sign," I said, to fill the silence.
"Yes," he agreed equably.
"It... it wasn't that."
Some demon of honesty seemed to have perched on my shoulder to encourage me
to get myself into more difficulty. More intimacy.
"No?"
"No."
He waited patiently for me to speak.
"My arm," I said.
"Yes," he said softly, not quite a question, more an encouragement to say
more.
"They... the aliens... they've given me details and the necessary..."
I paused, not sure of the right word.
"Necessary?" he prompted gently.
"I don't know what you'd call it," I confessed. "It's some sort of
accelerator, to regenerate..."
"That's good news, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I guess. It's coded for me but they seemed to think that once a few
competent doctors got their hands on it, saw how the thing worked...
prostheses could be a thing of the past."
"But?"
He was right, there was a but. A great big BUT. Part of me was impressed by
his insight, part of me annoyed because he was not being fooled by my
apparent calm
"They don't have any concept of anaesthesia."
I heard him gasp and his arms tightened around me.
"I know... after what I've done I have no right to complain... I know it's
my chance to atone in some way for what I've done... I know three days isn't
so long."
"Three days?"
"That's what they estimate."
"Alex, this shouldn't be about atonement. You have nothing to atone for. The
future of the human race was at stake and you did what had to be done, with
far more excuse than... "
I looked at him and saw the rest of the answer in his face.
"Vietnam," I said softly.
He nodded.
I said we have a lot in common, Skinner and I. Including scarred souls.
"I want my arm back," I said, "I just don't think I can stand having anyone
touch it... "
"What's the procedure?"
"The skin has to be removed and the stump taken back to healthy bone. Then
it's coated with accelerator and grows back. It's fairly simple except that
it takes about three days and we have no idea whether any sort of pain
relief will interfere with the procedure."
I shuddered.
"Ssh, it's okay," he murmured. "We'll get you through this. Pain relief may
not interfere, it may be okay..."
"For three days?"
"Look, we need an expert opinion. Preferably more than one. I have a
friend... may I contact him? He specialises in cases such as yours, where
the amputation involved trauma."
I nodded, too tired to fight, too worn out to want to retain my independence
and, for once, honest enough to admit to myself that if I had to make the
first move, it would never happen.
We went to bed then.
I don't know how it happened, but I found myself curled up in bed with
Skinner, wrapped in his arms, feeling safe and secure...
I slept and no nightmares dared disturb me.
Part Two
I woke up to the feel of Skinner's lips ghosting over my body, covering my
neck, my chest, my stomach, my thighs with little kisses.
I sighed.
I felt Skinner move beside me.
"Awake?" he asked softly.
I opened my eyes. He was looking down at me, his eyes amused and his smile
gentle.
I smiled back.
"Yes," I said. "What a lovely way to wake up."
His smile grew wider.
"Good," he said, and he bent down and kissed me gently.
My arm snaked up to hold his head as I deepened the kiss until we were both
panting, needing air but reluctant to break the connection between us.
The need for air won—just.
Then we were grinning at one another as if we had just invented kissing.
Maybe we had. I couldn't remember a kiss being like that before.
Just to make sure the first one wasn't some sort of accidental discovery
that we couldn't repeat, we kissed again.
And again.
Skinner's hands were roaming freely over my body by this time, stroking me,
caressing me...
I tensed when his hand stroked my left shoulder.
"Sssh," he said, "It's okay, it's just me, Alex."
I nodded and felt his fingertips caress my shoulder, moving slowly down what
was left of my arm.
My cock lost interest in proceedings.
I stayed tense and he kept stroking me before moving in for another
soul-deep kiss. Slowly, he relaxed me enough that I could stand feeling his
fingers touch the scars.
Then his lips followed his fingers.
It was not unpleasant.
As a means of starting me on the long road to being desensitised, it was the
most pleasurable therapy I've ever had.
But I stayed tense.
"Good, Alex," he whispered, after his lips finally stopped kissing my
truncated arm.
I felt good at that. It's amazing what a little praise can do.
Then he kissed me again.
It took a few kisses before my cock decided it was safe to participate
again.
"I won't touch it again," Skinner murmured. "Tell me if there is anything
else I should know."
I shook my head.
"Nothing," I said.
"Relax, then, let me make this good for you."
I sensed his need to take care of me and acquiesced. It would be a new
experience for me.
I bet he used to try to nurse injured animals when he was a boy... now he
had an injured Rat to look after.
I wondered why he was doing this... but pushed the thought away as I felt
Skinner's mouth on my nipple.
I arched into the sensation, gasping as spears of pleasure lanced through me
from that one point.
"What do you like?" he asked. "What do you want?"
My brain must have been short-circuited at that moment. there were so many
things I could have said, to be jacked off, to be sucked and fucked, to suck
and fuck... and I said none of them.
"Gentleness," I said.
His eyes darkened as he looked at me.
"I can do that," he said, smiling at me.
And he did.
He drove me to heights of sexual pleasure with his large hands and his
talented mouth, touching me everywhere with a gentleness that would be hard
to believe for anyone who had seen the A.D. tear into a recalcitrant agent.
His hand wrapped around my cock and I arched into his touch, desperate for
more.
His tongue lapped at my balls and I screamed his name, "Skinner!" as I came
hard.
I felt a warm cloth wiping me clean.
I felt like crying again.
His arms enfolded me in their warmth and security.
"It's okay," he said. "An intense physical release like that may make you
feel more emotional than usual. It's okay, I've got you, it's safe to cry."
I felt like the weakest of the weak, crying in his arms for the second time
in less than 24 hours.
But I did it anyway.
He held me and made reassuring noises until I was calm again. It didn't take
long this time.
Then I sought his lips for a kiss.
I love kissing Skinner.
This time I took control. I touched him and licked him and kissed him, I
enjoyed the sounds he made as I made love to him, the needy little whimpers,
the moans that seemed to come from deep within him, the gasps... and in the
end, my mouth over his cock, the sound of my name as he came.
"Alex," he cried.
I cleaned him up, just as he had cleaned me, and then crawled into his arms.
I felt safe there.
"Alex," he said, after a long comfortable silence, "I'm going to phone my
friend today. When are you available to see him?"
"Anytime," I said. "Skinner -"
"Walter," he said, interrupting me. "I've been calling you Alex. Please."
"Okay. Walter."
It felt strange, calling him Walter but I can adapt. It's one of the things
I do best.
"I think Dana Scully should be involved somewhere along the line," I said.
"She has more experience of working with alien medical technology than
anyone."
He nodded.
"If you're sure."
I laughed mirthlessly.
"If there is to be any hope of making this procedure available to more than
just me, she has to be involved. She has the experience, she has a brilliant
medical mind... I'd just feel happier if she didn't hate me quite so much."
"More atonement?"
I cuddled closer and nodded.
"I suppose so."
"Maybe I'll tell her that."
There was a grin in his voice so I assumed he was joking.
I hoped he was joking.
We stayed there, cuddling quietly, for a long time.
Then Walter fetched us breakfast in bed before he made the phone call.
I felt a little reassured as I listened to his half of the call.
"Hi, Mike, it's Rabbit."
Rabbit? I choked on my coffee and nearly fell out of the bed.
He laughed at something the other man said, then said "Yeah, you're right. I
should call more often, not just when I want something."
"No, not this time. It's a possible case for you."
"Not over the phone."
"A Nobel prize."
"Yeah, I'm serious."
"You can handle trauma cases better than anyone else I know."
"Yeah, bad. Much worse than I was."
"Okay, pick you up in a few."
"Thanks, Mike."
He put the phone down.
"He's flying up straight away. Said that waiting will only make it worse if
you're as nervous about this as I say you are."
I nodded. He was right about that. I felt sick already.
"And he's intrigued. But don't worry, whether or not he decides to take you
on, he'll keep his mouth shut."
"Rabbit?" I asked, to keep my mind off other things.
Walter laughed.
"A nickname. When I first went into the Marines, I was shy. And with a name
like Skinner, well, I was going to get some animal name. Hence rabbit."
"Is that when you met Mike?"
"What? Oh, no, I met him at the hospital after... 'Nam."
I nodded and let the subject drop.
"So, when's he arriving?"
"Oh, not for a while yet," he grinned. "We have six hours or so before we
need to leave for the airport. Any ideas on what we could do... ?"
I grinned back.
"Yeah," I said.
We kissed.
Part Three
To say I was nervous would be like saying the Grand Canyon is a crack in the
ground.
Walter was hampered by the fact he couldn't very well kiss me senseless in
the middle of the airport. He talked to me instead.
"Mike has a secure facility and trusted medical staff. And a cabin which
I've borrowed a few times. It's beautiful there, Alex, ideal for
recuperation. Quiet. Peaceful. There's a river for fishing. Trails for
hiking or running. He has an indoor pool, not big, but big enough for
physical therapy. A small gym. We'll have a marvellous time up there."
He smiled at me and I felt reassured. He'd said "we" after all. He must be
planning on coming with me.
I don't know what I expected but Mike, when he appeared, wasn't it. Walter
pointed him out.
He was smaller than me, although not by much. Slender. Dark hair pulled back
in a pony tail. Jeans and some sort of ethnic shirt with beads and feathers.
Striking. Dark eyes which seemed to size me up pretty quickly. No carry-on
bag in the conventional sense, but a back pack. He grinned as soon as he saw
Walter.
"Rabbit!" he yelled, making heads turn.
Walter seemed unsurprised by this, simply grinning and waving.
They hugged and Walter made the introductions.
I felt awkward. Embarrassed by being such a wuss that this man had to fly in
especially to see me.
He waited until we were in the car before asking.
"I can see you have lost most of your left arm," he said. "Care to tell me
what happened?"
'I was asleep," I said. "Some mad Russian peasants had a thing about arms,
they all had amputated left arms... "
I took a deep breath. I hated remembering being woken up, my terror when I
realised what they were going to do, my helplessness....
"They did it. With a hot knife."
"Shit!" Mike said. "What therapy have you had?"
"None. I had an operation to tidy things up and got fitted for a prosthetic.
My lifestyle didn't allow me time for anything else."
He went up in my estimation when he neither argued with me or asked about my
lifestyle, just accepted what I said.
"Okay. Well, here's what's going to happen. I need to know what you want me
to do for you. I get the impression it's not a straightforward job... people
don't get Nobel Prizes for simple stuff. If I think it's a possibility, then
I'll need to look at the arm. If I can't help, I'll try to make some helpful
suggestions, we'll have a few beers and I'll go home tomorrow."
I felt better. He was so matter-of-fact about it all.
"Oh, and Alex," he said.
"Yeah?"
"The ball is in your court with this. You say stop, I stop. You want Walter
with you, he stays. You want him gone, he goes. Even if I have to throw him
out myself."
I smiled at the thought of the slender Mike throwing the larger man
anywhere.
"Don't think he can't do it," Walter said. "He can. But I'll go quietly, if
you want me to."
I nodded. I felt reassured, knowing I had some control. Maybe this hippy guy
knew what he was doing...
"So," I said, grinning. "What can you tell me about Walter's young days?"
Mike grinned.
"Doctor-patient confidentiality forbids me to mention much... he usually
only gets in touch when he wants to use my cabin. Never invites me up there
with him..."
I tutted loudly.
Walter sighed.
"I can see you two are going to gang up on me."
We laughed.
I'd not thought it possible.
The journey to Walter's apartment passed easily after that.
The banter stopped as we parked. I felt cold and shivered, even though the
car was warm.
Walter killed the engine and touched my right arm.
"Come on," he said gently. "Let's go upstairs."
"Alex?" Mike said, "Remember you have control. You are not committed to
anything."
I nodded, feeling better both for the reminder and because Mike seemed to
know how I felt.
We went upstairs in silence, Walter with his arm slung around my shoulders,
his fingers resting on my left shoulder.
I knew why he was doing it... but I was tense and unhappy by the time we got
to Walter's apartment.
"So," Mike said, "How long have you two been lovers?"
Walter had just opened his front door. He was caught off-balance by the
unexpected question and stumbled—he nearly measured his length on the hall
carpet. Despite my fears, I cracked up laughing.
"Since yesterday," Walter said, trying to glare at Mike.
Walter headed for the kitchen to make coffee.
"You'll want to know about the procedure," I said.
Mike nodded.
"Well, I can explain it in layman's terms but this Zip Disk should contain
all the information you need. You'll see why there's a Nobel Prize in it for
you and your collaborators."
"Collaborators?"
"I think you would find the assistance of Doctor Dana Scully useful. Not for
the procedure itself, she's a pathologist, has the bedside manner to match,
but for the theoretical work that will be needed to roll this out for the
rest of humanity."
He nodded.
"Why don't you give me the 'pop' version first." he suggested.
So I did. He listened carefully. Walter brought the coffee in while I was
talking.
"If I'd heard that from anyone not recommended by Rabbit, I'd've dismissed
it out of hand," he said when I'd finished. "Aliens, starfish,
biotechnology... it sounds far-fetched, you must admit."
I nodded.
Mike drained his coffee and picked up the disk.
"Go cuddle or something, I'll call you when I'm ready."
Walter seemed unembarrassed by this instruction, he simply tugged me into
the bedroom and closed the door.
I was efficiently stripped of all my clothing and placed carefully on the
bed, then Walter looked at me as he stripped and I watched.
My cock was erect before he ever touched me with anything more substantial
than his eyes.
I opened my legs shamelessly for his gaze, hoping for more.
I heard his intake of breath as I exposed myself to him.
"Beautiful," he murmured.
Then he was on me, kissing me and stroking me and rubbing his body over mine
and I was on fire for him, no thoughts in my head beyond his body, his
mouth, his hands and his cock.
He paused before sliding his slickened finger into me, checking that I was
okay with this action. I pushed myself onto his finger enthusiastically and
was rewarded by a low moan from him as his finger slid into my body.
"More," I begged, laying on my back, my legs up and apart.
So he gave me more.
He stretched me carefully, driving me wild in the process, and then thrust
his condom-covered cock into me in one stroke.
I yelled with pleasure, forgetting Mike, forgetting my arm, forgetting
everything except the pleasure of being taken by a hard cock.
Walter seemed to realise what I needed as he pounded into me hard and fast
and it was wonderful.
I came hard, shrieking wordlessly as I spasmed around the hardness still
filling me.
Then I felt him thrusting again, taking me, taking his pleasure from me, and
it felt good too.
He was quieter when he came, saying my name as he pumped his release into
the latex sheath surrounding his cock.
Walter disposed of the condom and cleaned me up. I felt like my brain had
been fried and my bones replaced by soggy spaghetti.
Walter pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me, and that is how
we were when Mike knocked on the bedroom door.
Looking back, I think Walter planned it that way. That Mike would find us
already cuddling. That I would already be undressed.
It was less awkward for me. I needed Walter's arms around me but if we had
been sitting on the couch I am sure I could never have climbed into his lap
as if I was a child... I am not sure that I could have removed my shirt...
As it was, neither was necessary.
Walter made it clear that he was not letting go of me. He turned me slightly
so that Mike could see my stump.
"Okay, Alex, I've read all the material you've given me and I think it can
work, although part of me thinks it sounds more like something out of
Amazing Stories. But we need to take this one step at a time."
I nodded, my heart thumping.
"You know the first step is to take the arm back to the bone?"
I swallowed and nodded.
"I need to assess how far that might be and what effect it would have on you
if this procedure didn't work. Okay?"
I nodded again, my mouth dry. I felt an idiot, like a nodding dog, but I
couldn't speak.
Walter stroked my right arm reassuringly.
"Now, I can see it looks a mess. And this is after surgery to tidy it up?"
I nodded.
"Okay, I'm going to need to touch it. Is that a problem?"
I nodded again, feeling stupid because I couldn't speak.
"You don't like it to be touched?"
"No," I croaked.
"Okay. Can you scoot around here?"
He indicated what he wanted and as I moved, so Walter moved with me.
"Is Walter making you feel restrained at all, Alex?"
"No, he's fine," I said.
"Just remember, you're in control here. Not me and not Walter."
I nodded.
"Now," he said. "Here are my hands. I want you to shift and place your arm
in my hands."
I swallowed and tried to move.
"Take your time," he said. "We have as long as you need."
"There speaks someone who's paid by the hour," Walter growled, and I
sniggered and relaxed enough that I could shift as requested. It felt funny,
having someone's hands on my arm in this way. He didn't attempt to move his
hands or examine my arm, just let it rest on his hands.
I realised why Walter had contacted this man.
He really did know what he was doing.
I could trust him.
"It's okay," I said, huskily. "You can carry on."
He did. He moved the arm and ran his fingers over the scars, checking them
out. Then he pressed the flesh. I tensed, remembering other hands on my arm
and he stopped immediately.
"It's okay," Walter said. "You're here with us, not there. You're safe."
I nodded to Mike to carry on and this time Walter kept up a soothing litany
of words, making sure I knew where I was and who I was with. I concentrated
on the sound of his voice and on not shaking as Mike gently probed my arm.
Finally it was over. It hadn't taken long but I was sweating and unhappy,
despite their combined efforts to make it easy on me.
"Get a shower and get dressed," Mike said to both of us. "I'll call for a
take-out. Any preferences?"
"Not Indian," I said.
He nodded and left.
I turned to the shelter of Walter's arms, feeling like a child and a fool
and all sorts of other things, but I needed him.
"You did good," he said.
I snorted.
"You did good," he repeated. "You got through it."
I let myself relax. He was right, I realised. I had got through it. Of
course, there was much worse to come.
"Come on," Walter said. "Let's go shower."
Reluctantly, I rolled out of his arms and padded to the bathroom. Walter's
hands soaped me tenderly, and I did my best to return the favour, although
more clumsily.
I really need this procedure.
Mike was waiting for us.
"Alex," he said. "The good news is, I think we can do this. The bad news is
that if this does not work, you will have almost no arm left."
I was glad he had given it to me directly. I felt such a wuss from my
performance in the bedroom that if he'd tried sugar-coating the bad news, I
think I would have crawled into a hole.
"I ... I want to go ahead."
"Why?"
I looked at him, astounded.
"You've read the files," I said. "I'm the test subject. After you've tried
this on me you're set up to research the procedure further."
"So you're doing it for the sake of humanity?"
I dropped my eyes.
"Not entirely."
"Good."
I looked up again, startled.
"Alex, 'the good of humanity' is not going to keep you going through the bad
times. This is an unpleasant procedure and while I have some ideas for
making it easier, the fact remains that you will find it very difficult. You
need to be doing this for you. What made you decide to go ahead?"
I hesitated. I wasn't sure I wanted to be admitting this.
"Alex? You have to convince me that you have a good reason. Something I can
use to keep you going when the going gets tough. Whether it's eating a steak
or making model steam engines or whatever."
I smiled at his examples.
"It happened yesterday," I admitted. "Walter... "
"Would you rather I went?" Walter asked gently.
I shook my head.
"I was still trying to make up my mind," I said. "I knew I wanted it or at
least, I knew I should want it, but three days... Anyway, Walter hugged
me... and I can't hug him back."
I felt Walter bury his face in the back of my neck as his arms snaked around
my waist and he held me. Mike smiled.
"That's excellent," he said. "Even immediately after the procedure, you
should be able to hug Walter. You'll probably need intensive physiotherapy
before you can do a lot of other things but hugging Walter—I don't see any
problems with that."
The back of my neck was feeling a little damp but I ignored that, I didn't
want to embarrass Walter.
"That's it for now," Mike said. "I'll need to get together with your Doctor
Scully, can we do that here?"
"Yes," Walter said, huskily.
"I've a few other things to do, some questions to ask, but I'll be in touch
in about a week. I'd like you to brief Doctor Scully in the meantime. I
think we'll perform the procedure at my facility, and you can recuperate at
my cabin. We'll aim for about ten days time. No point in you suffering for
longer than necessary."
The doorbell cut off any reply I might have made.
"Ah," Mike said. "The Chinese Feast. I hope you're both hungry."
Suddenly, I was.
Part Four
I spent the next day reorganising my life.
Walter suggested that I give up my apartment and store my stuff at his
place. It made sense. I hated that apartment anyway and if this procedure
went ahead I'd be away for months... but I insisted on paying Walter for the
space I was using.
I also transferred generous amounts of money into my bank accounts so that I
had the funds to pay Mike and meet my needs.
Walter and I spent the evening talking about books. He'd noticed I had a
couple of boxes of books and asked if he could take a look... I had no
objections. I tend to look at people's books, it's not so much curiosity as
a compulsion. Anyone who has no books... well, shall we say Spender never
read a book in his life, neither did Bill Mulder, and leave it at that.
We fell asleep wrapped up together.
The second day Walter phoned Scully.
I listened to his side of the conversation. He seemed determined to make
sure I knew what was going on at all times.
"Scully? Skinner."
"I need to discuss something with you."
"No. Just you. It's medical."
"No. Ditch him. Call it revenge."
"I can't say."
"Ten fifteen is fine. I'll have the coffee on."
Walter fed me Hershey's Kisses while we waited.
While we kissed.
It took my mind off what lay ahead.
Scully was on time and had her medical bag with her.
I cringed inwardly. There was no way she was getting her dainty paws on me.
Walter rubbed my neck reassuringly.
We went through the explanations again.
She read the files.
"Why are you telling me?" she asked.
I told her.
"So you don't want me to oversee the procedure?"
I'll swear until my dying day that she was disappointed. I knew she'd enjoy
seeing me in screaming agony for three days. Bitch!
"No," Walter said. "I have a friend who specialises in trauma cases, Doctor
Mike Goode, he's already assessed Alex's condition and is willing to take
him on."
"I see. I've heard of him, of course. Do I get to meet him?"
"Yes. He's calling a few friends, getting his team together, then we'll all
meet here. In a few days time. I don't know when exactly."
She pursed her lips disapprovingly.
"Scully," Walter said firmly. "You don't have to be a part of this. Mike is
leading the team, if you don't like the way he works then we'll understand
if you want no part of it."
"No," she said. "Count me in."
She asked a few more questions about the arrangements and the procedure
before she left, throwing another "look" my way on her way out.
When he came back into the room, Walter sighed.
"I don't know whether involving her is a good idea," he said.
"She certainly doesn't like me," I responded. "Maybe I should change my
aftershave."
That made him chuckle and he hugged me.
"We'll get through this," he said.
Mike rang that evening to set up a meeting for the next day.
He felt it was important to progress as fast as possible, he said, so as to
minimise the stress for me.
I hoped Scully would agree.
Whether she agreed or not, she was back the next day. Mike was there too,
and three new faces.
Mike made the introductions.
"This is Paul Grant," he said. "He's my regular surgical nurse."
Paul grinned at us.
"Hi, Alex," he said.
He was nothing like Mike. He was older than Mike for a start, probably in
his late fifties, about the same height, but heavier, and with really short
blonde hair. His eyes were a startling blue.
"This is Anne Harris," Mike said, "I believe you and Dr Scully are already
acquainted?"
Scully nodded.
I got the impression they were not happy to see one another again.
"Anne is my anaesthetist," Mike said to me.
I smiled at her. Always stay on the good side of the one with the
anaesthetic.
"This is Janey Harris, Anne's younger sister" Mike said, introducing the
other new face. "She is a hypnotherapist."
I could see the resemblance. They were both plump, forty-ish, with straight
brown hair and brown eyes. Janey was a little taller, her hair was a little
shorter and she looked very slightly younger. But there was not much in it.
Janey nodded at Scully.
"Your reputation precedes you," she said softly.
Somehow, I didn't think it was a good reputation. I wondered if the obvious
tension between Scully and the sisters would erupt into open warfare. I just
hoped I'd be feeling well enough to enjoy it if it did—or, even better, to
join in.
Then Janey smiled at me and I tried to return the smile. My enemy's enemy is
my friend and all that... but still—hypnotism.
I didn't like the sound of that.
Scully obviously agreed with me—I heard her soft snort of derision.
Mike glanced at her and Walter hastily made the introductions.
"I have briefed Paul, Anne and Janey," Mike said, "So if you're also briefed
Doctor Scully... ?"
"Yes, I am."
"Good. Now as I see it, Alex is facing several problems with this procedure.
I propose to discuss them in turn. First, Alex, I think it's fair to say
that your dislike of having your arm touched is bordering on being a
phobia."
I nodded, ashamed of my weakness.
"Janey can help you with that, if you let her."
"It's fairly simple, Alex," Janey said. "It will take about twenty minutes
and Walter can stay with you. At no time will I need to touch you."
I felt a little better then, and I could see that having an operation on my
arm when I hated even Walter's gentle touch would be traumatic for me...
surely, anything that might make it easier had to be worth a try.
"Okay," I said. "I'll think about that. What else?"
"The first part of the procedure, taking your arm back to bone and removing
all the scar tissue, can be done under general anaesthetic. We think you'll
find that a lot less distressing than any of the alternatives," Mike said.
I nodded and flashed a grin at Anne.
"The rest of the procedure is more problematic. I don't think you can
survive three days of the sort of pain you will be in." Mike said, bluntly.
"I've had pain before."
"Not like this."
I had to agree. Three days of the sort of pain I'd endured when the arm was
removed...
"Okay," I said, "What are the options?"
There followed an involved discussion about neuro-transmitters, anaesthesia
and the effect on the regeneration, in particular the effect on the
regrowing nerves and their connection to the rest of me.
At least, I think that's what they meant. You know doctors, it isn't just
their handwriting that's incomprehensible.
Even though I couldn't follow the discussion very well, I did notice that
Anne and Scully seemed to disagree a lot. But they all agreed on the
conclusion. I was out of options.
Except one.
Hypnosis.
I was deeply sceptical about this but Walter was encouraging.
"I've heard it works, Alex," he said. "And what have you got to lose?"
He was right, of course.
"Okay," I sighed. "What else?"
"You'll have to be in restraints while the arm is regenerating."
I felt myself go pale. I was sure there was no blood in my head and my head
was pounding and everything was threatening to go black.
I felt a familiar hand on my back, pushing me forward.
"Head down, Alex," Walter's voice said.
Mike was there, crouching in front of me, in no time at all.
"Breathe, Alex," he said quietly, "It's okay, we'll talk about it in a
minute."
I felt such a wuss.
"I know it's an unpleasant idea," he said. "I'd hate it too. In fact, I'm
not sure if I could do it. But think of what you want to achieve, here.
Focus on the goal."
I felt Walter's two arms snake round me, one across my back and one around
my front, like a reminder.
I sat up again, slowly.
"Sorry," I said.
"No problem," Mike assured me. "You're not the first patient I've had who's
panicked over some part of the treatment. And if you think three days in
restraints sounds bad, wait until you see the physio regimen you'll be on.
And I have this tough ex-Marine to make sure you stick to it."
I mock-shuddered.
"Not an ex-Marine," I said, grinning weakly. "Spare me that at least."
A growl from beside me made me laugh.
"Alex, I know there is no way to make it easy, but Walter can be in the room
with you virtually all the time. He'll need comfort breaks and showers but
other than that... "
"We can share a bottle," Walter said, grinning.
"Is that a new form of male bonding?" Anne asked, smiling.
"If it is, you won't be there to witness it," Walter growled. "I have my
limits."
"But I might," Janey said. "I won't be leaving you alone much and I shall
always be in the building in case you need me."
"And I'll be popping in and out," Paul added.
"Okay," I sighed. "Restraints it is. What next?"
"You'll be on a drip and not eating much, if anything."
I nodded.
"And I'll be around," Scully added. "I'd like to set up a video camera to
record the regeneration. It'll only show your arm, nothing else. And I'd
like blood samples and tissue samples."
I nodded again. I was not at all happy at the idea of Scully coming anywhere
near me with a needle but I'd expected it.
"Alex," Mike said. "You are still in control here. If there is anything
we've suggested that you're not happy about or that you want to discuss
further, say so. Now or at any time."
I felt better then, which was odd because I hadn't noticed how tense I was
feeling. Mike had. Knowing that made me feel even better.
"What actually happens," I said, "When the arm regrows? I mean, is it like a
raw end with blood pouring out for three days?"
I heard Scully laugh and Mike's team all glared at her.
"Perhaps you'd like to explain Doctor Scully," Mike said, icily polite. "As
the theoretical side is very much your domain."
"The formula works by stimulating your cells to regenerate. It carries
biochemical messages for cell specialisation so that you end up with bone
cells, nerve cells and so on. It will also stimulate a special type of cell,
something quite new to humans, which forms a sort of covering over the end
of your arm. This layer will permit the circulation of blood, by exactly
what mechanism I am not sure, and will slough off when the regeneration is
finished."
"And how does it know how long my arm should be?"
"I've no idea," Scully said, "Although it does seem that this has been taken
into account. We don't expect you to end up with arms of radically different
lengths. The exact mechanism by which arm length is kept matched in the
developing foetus is not fully understood but we think it is under genetic
control."
"The formula is made specifically for your DNA," Mike added. "So it seems
likely there is some input from your genetic code."
"One other thing, I know we've been joking about a Nobel Prize-"
"I wasn't joking," Walter said.
I ignored him and carried on.
"But I'd really rather my part in this stayed strictly under wraps. There
are still people out there who don't like me."
"No problem," Mike said, grinning. "I hate to think how many articles of the
professional code of conduct we'll be breaking by performing this
procedure... and I'm not even going to consider the legal position. It's
in all our interests to keep this very quiet."
"Have you any questions, Walter?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"Not about the procedure. Only one, are you sure you want to do this?"
I looked him in the eye.
"Yes," I said.
"In that case," Walter said, turning to Mike. "When do we leave?"
"Have you anything pressing you need to do this week," Mike asked.
I shook my head.
"In that case, pack a small bag with what you need for a few nights at the
centre and a larger bag with clothes for a couple of months at the cabin.
We'll leave as soon as you are ready."
"What happened to ten days time?" I said, annoyed at the panic that was
threading my voice.
"Do you need more time to worry?" Mike asked me, grinning.
Despite my barely controlled panic, I found myself grinning back.
"No," I admitted. "I'll go pack."
I was shaking when Walter joined me in our bedroom a couple of minutes
later.
"I haven't even unpacked most of my clothes," I said.
"Sssh," Walter said softly, enfolding me in his arms.
Gently he turned me so that my head lay on his shoulder.
"I know," he said, "There's no place more lonely than where you are now."
I clutched him as hard as I could with my one arm as he soothed me.
"You're in charge," he said, "You can pull out any any time."
"No," I said. "Just keep reminding me what bad hugs I give... "
I managed a smile which Walter returned. I hope mine was more convincing
than his, otherwise neither of us had better play poker anytime soon.
"I like your hugs," Walter said.
Reluctantly, we let go of each other and started packing.
"Alex?" Mike called through the door.
"Come in, Mike," I yelled.
He did, grinning when he saw the chaos we were creating.
"Don't forget to bring tapes, CDs, videos and so on. The cabin is fully
equipped and you can have music on during the procedure if you like. Oh, and
bring books if you like reading. There are some books at the cabin but you
may prefer your own favourites."
"I'll see to that," Walter said. "You finish packing."
"Need any help?" Mike offered.
"Yeah," I sighed. "Clothes seem to take on a life of their own when I try to
fold them."
He laughed.
"Not a problem you'll have for much longer."
I looked at him in surprise.
"Mike, I have always had a problem folding clothes. But it will be nice to
be able to play the guitar again. When I get one."
"Did you play much before?"
"Yeah, but just for fun. Folk, country, a bit of classical stuff. Not much
pop. I never wanted to be a rock star."
'Or an assassin," I added mentally.
"Better pack your guitar then."
"I sold it," I said. "After I lost my arm."
Mike just nodded and concentrated on zipping my bag closed.
"That's the lot." he said.
I grabbed my faithful leather jacket.
"Let's go," I said, wondering what on earth I was getting into.
I soon found out.
Part Five
"I think this is as good a time as any to try hypnotising you."
Janey grinned at me and her grin got wider when she saw my total lack of
enthusiasm for this suggestion.
"Let's go into the rear compartment," she suggested. "Do you want anyone
else with you?"
"I'd like to come," Scully said.
I shook my head.
"Sorry, Doctor Scully," Janey said, not sounding at all sorry. "Another time
maybe."
"Walter?" I asked.
He smiled.
"Any time," he said.
So the three of us made our way to the rear of the private jet.
Trauma victims must pay very well.
"Now, Alex, I want you to get comfortable. Anyway you like, as long as you
feel safe and comfortable."
I settled Walter in the soft easy chair and curled myself up on his lap.
"This okay?" I asked, grinning.
She grinned back.
"Whatever makes you comfortable," she said. "Walter?"
"I'm fine," he said, wrapping his arms round me as if to remind me why we
were there.
"There's nothing to worry about, Alex. Contrary to popular belief, I cannot
make you do something that goes against your nature. So I couldn't, for
instance, make you kill Walter here."
"Been there, done that," I muttered.
Walter shushed me and smiled at Janey, shaking his head slightly to tell her
not to ask.
She led me through what seemed like a simple mental exercise. Picture
somewhere you are safe.
Walter's bed. Walter's arms.
It was plain sailing after that.
But it was nothing like I imagined.
I thought I'd be asleep and have no memory of what happened while I was
'under'. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I was fully aware.
More than just aware, I felt so alive, so 'in the moment'. I can remember
struggling to concentrate as I just wanted to float off, explore this new
experience. I felt as if I could understand all the mysteries of the
universe.
I felt fantastic.
But I did as Janey told me, I thought about everything that frightened me
when anyone touched my arm and I sent all the fears away.
All of them.
When she brought me out of the trance, she was smiling.
"Well done," she said. "You seemed to take to that very well."
I stretched. I had been so relaxed I had folded up on myself and my muscles
were protesting now.
"That was quite a head trip," I said, grinning. "Walter, you have got to
try that!"
"You've changed your tune," he said, obviously relieved that i was happy.
"Yeah," I said. "Thanks, Janey."
"We're only half done here," she said. "Now I want you to identify the
behaviour you have learned in order to handle your phobia."
I nodded.
"Good. Push that behaviour away. You don't need it any more. Concentrate
instead on how you actually feel, not on how you are accustomed to feeling.
Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Alex, if I was to suggest that Walter place his hand on your left shoulder,
how do you feel?"
I thought about it. No panic. No fear.
"Fine," I said, surprised.
"And if I were to tell you to imagine he is running his hand down your left
arm?"
I imagined it.
"Fine," I said. "But he'd better not be too gentle... "
She looked startled and then caught on.
"It's okay," she said. "I'll leave you two back here to experiment. Call if
you need any help."
I managed a pretty good leer as I said "Not very likely," but she didn't bat
an eye, just grinned and said "Pity!" which made me blush.
I never blush.
Walter pulled me closer and stroked his hand down the side of my face,
smiling into my neck when I shivered.
"Like that?" he murmured.
"Yeah," I whispered.
I felt his fingers trail over my chest and slide up underneath my t-shirt. I
gasped as his fingers found my nipple.
"Walter! They'll hear us!"
"And they won't care," he responded. "Don't you think Mike knew what we were
doing the first day he came over?"
"But... but... Scully's out there," I spluttered.
He chuckled, his hand still doing wonderful things to my nipple.
"And?"
"Walter Skinner," I said, "I never had you pegged for an exhibitionist."
"I'm not," he said, "If I was, I'd open the door. Sell tickets."
His hand travelled up towards my left shoulder.
I stayed relaxed.
A finger trailed a line along my shoulder.
I reminded myself not to get tense from habit. I felt no fear, no panic,
just my lover's finger trailing a line over my skin.
The finger stroked down my arm, touched scar tissue.
I wriggled as it found my arm-pit. What can I say? I'm ticklish.
Then the finger became a hand, stroking back down, cupping the stump,
fingers exploring the scars then moving up to my shoulder.
"Well done," Walter breathed into my ear.
"It worked," I said, surprised.
A tongue traced around my ear and I moaned softly.
I felt Walter shift and two hands removed my t-shirt, then stroked my stump,
cupping it and massaging it, while Walter's lips met mine.
I surrendered to the kiss.
When Walter was quite convinced that he had thoroughly tested my responses
to having my arm touched, his hands slid across my chest to the waistband of
my jeans.
I felt them being undone, heard the slight hiss of the zipper and then
Walter shifted again.
I moaned as his lips left mine, only to moan more loudly when his mouth
engulfed my cock.
"Oh, yeah," I muttered, arching into the warm wetness.
It didn't take long. Maybe it was a reaction to the knowledge that there
were people so close, no lock on the door... but I was very soon coming into
Walter's mouth, calling his name none-too-quietly as I did so.
He grinned as he released my softening cock from his mouth and tucked it
back into the safety of my clothes.
"I think that should've alerted the rest of the people on the plane to
exactly what we were doing, if they hadn't already guessed."
I groaned.
He laughed.
"Scully will have something to tell Mulder," he said, smirking. "I'm sure
those two think I'm some sort of machine."
I reached for him, wanting to reciprocate.
"No," he said, "Not now. Later. For now, I think you should sleep.
Besides..."
He paused and I could hear the grin in his words.
"Besides?" I prompted.
"We don't want to make a mess and you're on 'Nil by Mouth'."
I snorted at that and gave in. He was right, I could do without the
embarrassment of semen stains on this nice chair.
He shifted me and wriggled back into the chair, settling me comfortably on
his lap.
"Mmm," he said. "This is nice."
I had to agree, it was nice. And I was tired. I lay my head on his shoulder
and slept.
Part Six
Walter woke me as we were making our final approach.
"Time to go get strapped in," he said.
Mike grinned as we rejoined the others.
"Have a nice flight?" he asked, one eyebrow quirking.
I snorted.
"I slept," I said.
"Really?" Anne asked, an evil grin on her face. "Calling for Walter in your
sleep, then, were you?"
I blushed and concentrated on buckling my lap belt.
As we came in to land, I couldn't help but think about what lay ahead and my
hand snaked out towards Walter.
He turned to me and smiled, taking my hand between both of his.
"I know," he said softly.
We stayed like that until the plane landed.
The transfer from the plane to the facility was far easier and quicker than
I'd expected—the plane landed on a private airstrip adjacent to Mike's
clinic.
I had expected more time to prepare myself but as it was, it was less than
an hour between the plane landing and Anne approaching me with the
anti-nausea medications and a pre-med injection.
Walter was scrubbed up and there with me. Janey had already done her stuff
so that she could trigger the hypnotic suggestion as soon as I came round.
Scully was there too, as an observer.
Mike had sat with me while Walter got himself ready.
"Alex," he'd said, "Is there anything you'd like to say? Anything you need
to ask? Anything worrying you?"
I thought about lying but what's the point? He's the professional, I have to
trust him—and he's shown me over and over that I can trust him, he knows
his stuff and he's on my side.
"Doctor Scully," I said. "It's a long story... she and I have a lot of
history, most of it bad. No, all of it bad. I know she's a professional
and I know she needs to get samples... "
"She's here as an observer, Alex. I'll make sure it stays that way. And
after this stage, when she wants samples, either Paul or I will take them.
Okay?"
I nodded, feeling unreasonably relieved. I mean, I know Scully takes her
oath as a doctor seriously. She'd never actually harm me while I was her
patient... but I preferred Mike's manner.
So here we were. Walter took my hand and squeezed it.
Mike stopped Anne as she came towards me.
"Alex, it's okay to stop us now but once we've started, you're committed to
going through with this. You are in control here. Are you sure you want
this?"
I looked up at Walter, saw his Hershey Kiss eyes, and smiled at him. I
gripped his hand and said "Yes. I'm sure."
Mike nodded and Anne gave me the first injection.
As I slipped into unconsciousness, all I could think was that I had
committed myself to who knew what...
I woke slowly.
Janey was there.
"Alex?" she was saying, over and over.
"Hmm?"
I was aware of a pain in my arm.
"Hurts," I muttered.
I felt a familiar hand stroke my hair.
"Dulce et decorum est," Janey said.
It was our prearranged "trigger" phrase.
The pain receded and I smiled as I slipped into sleep.
I woke up screaming.
I could hear Walter's voice talking to me but I could not understand what he
was saying.
I was in agony, my arm, it was being cut off, I was held down—I thrashed
against the straps holding me in place. I could hear someone screaming.
Hands held my face. I opened my eyes, thrashed about, tried to break my head
free of the hands.
Someone was still screaming.
Then I saw Walter, His familiar hands cupped my face, his face swam into my
field of view. His mouth was moving but I couldn't hear anything because of
the screaming.
Then I heard him over the noise.
"ALEX! Listen to Janey."
Janey.
The procedure.
I bit my lip to stop myself screaming.
"Try to take deep breaths," Walter said. "Hang on, listen to Janey."
I wanted to tell him about the pain but I saw it in his eyes... he knew
already.
"Dulce et decorum est," Janey said.
I flexed my hand and felt Walter hold it. Anchored like that, I dared to
turn my gaze away from my lover to find Janey.
She was looking at me, concern written all over her face.
"Dulce et decorum est," she repeated.
The pain faded.
I relaxed.
"What happened?" Walter asked.
"I'd like to know that too," I said weakly.
"I think you went to sleep," Janey said. "I was afraid of this. We really
don't understand much about how the brain works. But in REM sleep we dream,
and dreams do seem to be some sort of management system for the brain,
something to do with the subconscious. Hypnosis also works on the
subconscious. Maybe something short-circuited and cut out the hypnotic
suggestion that was keeping you from feeling the pain."
"Were you dreaming?" Walter asked.
"Yeah, usual one. I... I'm woken up by people holding me down who then cut
my arm off with a hot knife."
"Okay, people, report," Mike said, as he strode into the room.
Janey quickly explained the situation.
"So I can't sleep?" I asked.
"Well... I'll consult with a few colleagues and surf the Net, see if I can
find anything that might help. I might try hypnosis to keep the dream away."
"It's only three days," I said, trying to smile.
"Maybe less," Mike added, "Your arm is making excellent progress."
"Good," I said.
I tried to wriggle but the straps held me down.
"Alex?"
"I need... I need a bottle."
Walter fetched it. Mike stayed with me until Walter got back, then he and
Janey left us in peace.
"Umm... Walter..." I said, embarrassed.
"What?" he asked, "You don't like me holding your cock?"
"Umm, no, it's not that... "
"You'd rather Paul held it? Sorry, that isn't an option. This may be
attached to you but it's mine. I let you hold it sometimes because I can
share my toys ... but not with all and sundry."
I laughed and forced myself to relax. I'd have my revenge, and I had three
days to plan it.
That day passed slowly. Walter never left my side unless Mike was there.
Scully popped in for samples but Mike took them for her.
She didn't like that but she had to accept it. I was Mike's patient.
Paul kept checking on us, to make sure we were okay. He fixed up a drip to
keep my fluid levels up, he explained, and promised to wash me later.
Walter growled softly at that. Paul laughed.
"Or I can show Walter what to do," he said.
"I think you'd better do that," I said. "He seems to get possessive about my
body."
"You don't seem to mind," Paul said, grinning.
I grinned back.
"It's sheer hell," I sighed. "But he's so good in bed... "
Walter growled again and Paul laughed.
"We could tell," he said. "You're very vocal."
Now Walter laughed as I blushed.
Again.
What's the matter with me? I don't blush. Maybe it's a side-effect of the
regeneration stuff.
Janey checked on me a few times.
Anne visited once.
It helped to pass the time.
They all seemed to know when Mike was there and left us alone.
The first time Walter had to leave me, he carefully explained where he was
going and how long he'd be gone.
Then Mike came in and Walter kissed my forehead and left.
"Okay, Alex, this is a good time for a talk. Don't worry, I'm not going to
touch you until Walter's back. Then I've a few checks to make."
I nodded.
He asked me about the incident earlier, when I'd woken up screaming.
I tried to answer his questions honestly. They needed this information to
try to get this procedure ready for more people. Anne had already told me
that keeping someone anaesthetised for three days was not an option.
"Thanks, Alex," Mike smiled. "Now, can I ask about something more personal?"
I nodded.
"What is the story behind you and Doctor Scully? She's been dropping hints
to all of us but when anyone challenges her to come right out and say what
she means, she hides behind national security."
"Whatever she's hinted, it's probably not far from the truth," I said. "Ask
Walter."
"No," Mike said firmly. "I'm asking you. And this conversation is bound by
patient confidentiality, which I can assure you is a lot more secure than
any military secrecy."
"You won't believe me."
"Try me."
So I did. I told him the whole sordid story. The Consortium, Colonisation,
the killings, the beatings, the lying, the secrecy... the whole thing.
"I even killed Walter," I said.
Mike's eyebrow rose.
"And than I brought him back. I paid for that... "
I remembered that beating all too well... Mike brought me back to the
present.
"But you won in the end?"
"Humanity won in the end," I said. "I feel too beaten and tired to believe
I've won anything, even a free bottle of Coke."
"And Walter?"
"He's not a prize, he's a gift," I said. "A gift from gods I no longer
believe in."
Mike smiled.
"Try and remember that he sees you the same way," he said. "Oh, and Alex?"
"Yes?"
"You should try to remember that Walter has also done things he deeply
regrets. In Vietnam. One day he might tell you about them. Meanwhile... I
think he sees himself as far more... 'dirty'... then you could ever be."
My face must have shown my amazement as Mike chuckled.
"Now," he said, "Do you want me to read to you?"
"Please," I said. "Anne started reading Mansfield Park... "
"You like that?"
I nodded.
"It's a world away from everything... "
He picked up the book and I let myself be transported to another place,
another time...
"How much have I missed?"
I grinned at Walter. He had showered, shaved and looked rested.
"Not as much as you missed earlier," I teased. "When you fell asleep."
"I was checking the inside of my eyelids for light leaks," Walter said,
grinning. He moved to my right side and took my hand.
Mike put the book down.
"Now you're back," he said, "I'll make a few checks."
He'd erected a screen between me and my arm so that I couldn't see what was
happening.
He'd told me privately that it was for Walter's benefit, that Walter was
anxious about seeing the operation or anything of the regeneration
procedure. I wasn't sure I believed him but I let it pass. One thing I had
noticed, Walter stayed to my right and avoided the left of my body as if it
was infectious.
I felt a needle go in but there was no pain. Then a scrape.
Mike smiled at me.
"It's going very well," he said.
"Good," I said.
"You can have a treat."
"Lying here?" I said.
Mike nodded to Walter who let go of my hand and produced a Hershey's Kiss.
I opened my mouth.
Walter laughed.
"You're so easy," he said. "Show you a Kiss... "
But he unwrapped it and popped it in.
I closed my eyes and sucked that Kiss slowly, savouring every chocolate
moment.
I felt Walter take my hand again.
When I opened my eyes, Mike was still there.
They were both grinning at me.
"What?" I demanded, mildly irritated.
"Hedonist." Mike said. "I'll leave you two alone for a bit, I've some rounds
to make."
Walter shifted as if he was uncomfortable.
"Walter?"
He looked embarrassed.
"I... I..."
"What?"
"Have you any idea how sexy you look when you eat a Kiss?"
I burst out laughing, I couldn't help it.
Paul came in while I was still laughing.
"Care to share the joke?" he said.
This made me laugh even harder while Walter growled "No," and blushed.
His blush extended all over his bald head. I was fascinated.
It was me blushing next—it was time for my bath.
I'll not bore you with the details, suffice to say that while I love
Walter's hands on any part of my body, having him wash my penis is not quite
the same... especially not with an audience.
But at least I was out of the restraints for a bit.
Part Seven
The rest of my time there passed in much the same way as those first hours.
I had trouble sleeping and nothing Janey could do seemed to alleviate the
problem.
The time passed slowly but it did pass. I hated being restrained but having
Walter with me so much helped.
I listened to music and tried to decide what I would play first when I got
myself a guitar.
Something fairly simple, I thought. And sappy.
Why not? I like sappy love songs.
I couldn't really watch TV but sometimes Walter would have it on for a game.
Anne, Janey, Paul and Mike were frequent visitors. They'd read to me or chat
about news of the outside world.
Every so often I would get irritable or despondent and Mike would remind me
how much I want to hug Walter—he was right, 'the good of humanity' would
never have helped me through the bad times—or Walter would feed me a Kiss.
Sometimes kiss me as well. Just a gentle, affectionate kiss. Nothing else
was allowed.
I had a couple more bad bouts of pain but I never forgot where I was again
and Janey always sorted it out.
I lost all sense of time. Because of my sleeping problems, I had no
'night-time'. I was encouraged to sleep whenever I felt like it and to stay
awake the rest of the time.
I didn't know that it was the early hours of Day Three when I had a bad
panic attack because of the restraints.
Walter was on his wash and brush up break. Mike was with me when he got an
emergency call. He called Janey to sit with me and seemed inclined to wait
for her to arrive. I told him to go, I'd be fine for a few minutes.
Only Scully came in before Janey got there.
"Where's Mike?" she asked.
"Emergency," I said tersely, already feeling uneasy.
"Oh. Paul?"
"Same."
"Oh. In that case, I'll take some blood, it won't take a minute."
I think that was her idea of reassurance.
"No," I said.
"Don't be silly," she responded, briskly. "I am a doctor, I know how to
take blood."
"I don't want you to," I insisted.
She got a nasty gleam in her eye.
"You've done a lot of things I didn't want you to do," she said. "And they
hurt me more than this will hurt you. Now I need this sample."
I felt her paws on my arm, my new arm. I tried to breathe, to stay calm but
all I could think was "one air bubble is all it takes," and then I was
twisting in the restraints and yelling, I couldn't get my breath, I was sure
the bitch had done something to me, I was dying, I couldn't breathe...
Walter told me later that Anne was first on the scene, Janey a quick second.
Anne hustled Scully out of the room and according to Walter, who had the
story from Anne, she was none too gentle either. Janey tried to calm me.
He told me when he got there I was still panicking, not responding to
Janey's calm reassurances.
I don't remember much about any of that. I don't remember Janey and Anne
being there.
I remember the solidity and safety of Walter's body as he laid down on the
bed next to me. I remember his hands caressing me. I remember turning my
face to the warmth and security of him, needing to be kissed, needing his
taste.
Walter told me that Janey and Anne left then, to wait outside my room while
Walter slowly loved me back with his hands and his lips and his voice.
I remember hearing him reassure me that I was okay, it was just a panic
attack, nothing to worry about.
"Scully," I said.
"She's not in here."
He hadn't been told what had happened.
"Better now?" he asked, after what felt like a long time.
"Yeah," I said, hating how shaky I sounded.
"You up to having Mike take a look at you, make sure you haven't done any
damage to yourself with all the thrashing about?"
"Yeah," I said. "Sorry."
"You can tell me what happened when Mike's here."
I nodded.
I felt him get off the bed and tensed. His hand stroked me.
"I'm just going to the door, I'll be in the room the whole time," he said.
"Okay," I said. "Talk to me. What were you doing...?"
"I was on the toilet," he said primly, "When Anne burst into the bathroom."
I had to laugh. Primness from the man who informed me we'd be sharing a
bottle... and the idea of Anne bursting in and finding him... I knew it was
childish of me to laugh at such a basic thing and I knew it was partly
relief because he was back with me... I laughed.
I heard him murmur a few words and then return to my side, where his hand
wrapped itself carefully around mine.
"Hi, Alex."
It was Mike.
"How's the emergency?" I asked.
"Sedated," he replied. "Now, how about you? Can I check you out while you
tell me what happened?"
"Yeah, go ahead," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak about nothing."
"Just tell me what happened," Mike said.
So I told him about Scully coming in... the whole thing.
"And you said 'No'?" Mike asked.
"Yes," I said, "I said it twice I think. But she said she needed the sample
and I want her to have this... Then I lost it when she touched me."
"Well, I can understand her eagerness to get the sample," Mike said. "You're
getting fingers, Alex. I'll take a couple of samples, okay?"
"Fingers?" I asked, grinning like an idiot.
"Yes, fingers. Your arm is about a couple of inches shorter but your new
hand looks very similar to the old one and you seem to be growing the right
number of fingers."
I grinned up at Walter.
"Does that mean I'm nearly ready to get out of here?"
"Well, I think we can release the restraints soon. Then I'll keep you under
observation for a while and then, yes, the hard work starts."
Walter's grin was probably no more foolish than mine.
So I tried to settle down to waiting patiently but now I had an end in sight
and the time seemed to drag.
Walter read to me and talked to me about Mike's cabin and fishing and what
we could do when we were there.
When I told Walter I'd never been fishing before his face lit up and he
started to talk about the pleasures ahead of me.
I fell into a light doze somewhere around the middle of 'how to cast'.
Not a good omen but maybe doing it is more interesting than talking about
it.
The lights were dim when I woke up. Both Walter and Mike were there. I
shifted and to my joy found I could move. The restraints were gone.
Mike and Walter were by the bed in no time.
They were both grinning like Cheshire cats.
Big grins.
"Okay, Alex," Mike said. "I've just a couple of tests for you and then I'll
leave you alone with Walter."
Walter increased the light level so that we could see what was going on.
"You've been asleep for about nine hours. The regeneration is complete. I'm
going to remove the screen."
I nodded.
Mike took away the green shield that had concealed my new arm and I looked
at it.
It looked pale, almost dead. It didn't feel like mine.
"Now, Alex," I don't think you will be able to move it very much yet. We
have to train the muscles and nerves. Can you wiggle your fingers?"
I tried very hard and managed a very faint flutter of my new thumb.
"That's very good, Alex," Mike said, beaming proudly at me. "More than I
expected."
I felt Walter pat my right arm and guessed he was pleased with me too.
"Now, can you move the arm itself at all."
I tried but the elbow wouldn't work at all. My shoulder worked but the arm
flopped about like a dead thing.
"That's okay," Mike said. "By the time you've finished the physio. I think
you'll have full movement. We'd like to take an X-ray, if you don't mind.
For Scully's records."
"And a scan?" I asked.
"If you don't mind."
"No, whatever you or Scully need," I said, looking at my arm and grinning.
"I'll leave you and Walter alone for a bit. Then we'll do the routine stuff
and transfer you to my cabin."
I nodded but I hardly heard his words.
I was focused on one thing alone.
I struggled to sit up and Walter was there, his arms wrapping around me to
lift me up.
I held him in place with my right arm and concentrated.
The dead thing that was my left arm flopped up and over Walter's back.
I think it was more by luck than judgement that I got it anywhere near the
target area, although Walter's back is a big enough target...
I moved my right hand until it found my left hand and then I grasped my new
fingers firmly.
It felt good, Walter held in my arms but it wasn't enough. It wasn't a hug.
I concentrated again. Nothing. I was determined though and finally managed
to exert a small amount of pressure. A hug.
A real hug.
"I felt that," Walter whispered, his voice husky.
"Yeah," I said.
We were still like that when Mike returned.
He ignored the damp patches on our shoulders and the redness about our eyes.
He's a good man.
The End of Story One
Part One
knew it was a bad idea.
