In this episode, [Scully, Mulder, Scully's mom, Skinner, Skinner's secretary, Krycek, some random person] is [abducted, infected, killed, attacked, run over, sent unusual letters, looked at funny, taken out to dinner] by [Krycek, a werewolf, a vampire, Marita, the black oil, CSM, Pendrell, someone else who (surprise!) isn't really dead, some random person, some aliens we've seen before, some entirely new aliens who turn out to be government agents, some entirely new aliens who turn out to be old familiar aliens wearing new hats]. Scully [likes, is extremely irritated by] Mulder. Mulder is [right, wrong] about everything and Scully is [wrong, right] about everything. Mulder [believes in aliens, is trying out his "don't believe anyone and look depressed for no particular reason" mood]. The new character we meet in this episode [dies, ends up okay]. Eventually everything is figured out (except for [most of the episode, one teeny little thing]) by [Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Skinner's secretary, Krycek who tells Mulder but Mulder's too busy beating him up to listen]. This episode is [funny but stupid, funny and enjoyable, exciting, sad, scary, creepy, a waste of everyone's time]. [Shippers, NoRomos] will really enjoy this episode and be sure to call their [NoRomo, Shipper] friends as soon as it is over to say "neener neener neener." This episode [will, will not] be remembered by anyone involved.
[Special note: substitute new guy's name for Mulder for episodes DD is not in. -CC]