Chapter Text
These were always the hardest cases. Gibbs surveyed his team, sitting quietly, typing up their reports. McGee had thrown up, for once not chastised by Gibbs. He’d been too busy having his hand wrapped by Ducky after he’d punched the tiled bathroom wall in frustration. Ziva, of course, had dealt with the situation with as little emotion as possible, but Gibbs had caught her making a quick call to her brother, the one with the children. These cases were always the worst, and although they affected all of them badly they affected Tony the most.
His face had been white as a sheet when they had found the young girl’s body. Beaten and raped, the abuse clear even before Ducky examined her. Gibbs had sent him to sketch the perimeter immediately. He had learned in his years as Team leader that everyone had a breaking point, everyone had a limit that couldn’t be crossed and for Tony it was cases involving sexual abuse of children. Gibbs had honestly believed his senior agent was going to shoot the girl’s father when they discovered it was him who had committed the disgusting crime. Had sent him to get some results from Abby, not wanting him near the interview when the pitiful excuse for a human being had admitted he had abused his 10-year-old daughter since she was 4 and had killed her because she had threatened to tell her mother.
Now Tony was sitting at his desk, the picture of concentration, when Gibbs knew frustration was simmering just below the surface. Knew Tony was wondering what the hell he should do because he didn’t want to go home alone with those images in his head. Gibbs hoped he decided on a long run, not one of the more destructive outlets Tony had found in the past. He watched Tony pick up a pen, almost drop it because his hands were shaking.
“Tony.” He barked.
“Boss?” Tony continued to look at his screen.
“Report done?”
“Just finished.”
“Good. Email it to me and print a hard copy, then take this to Abby.” Gibbs instructed, holding out a folder that held nothing important. Abby would know why he had sent Tony to her. “What are you waiting for?” He demanded when the file pinged into his email box.
“The hard copy to print.” Tony frowned.
“McGee can collect it from the printer.” Gibbs replied. McGee looked up and nodded at Tony who took the file from Gibbs and disappeared swiftly.
“Tony!” Abby greeted enthusiastically. “How’s it going?”
“Great.” He replied, forcing himself to hand the file to her gently. “We have a ten year old in the morgue who was sexually abused for 6 years and no one did a damn thing about it until she turned up dead.”
“You got the guy who did it.” Abby said gently.
“Fat lot of good it does now!” Tony turned away, he had no right to be angry with Abby, her evidence would help convict the bastard. “And he’s not just a guy. He’s her father. Fathers are not supposed to…to do things like that.”
“I know.” She nodded, touching his back softly and removing her hand when he tensed visibly. Everyone knew these cases were the worst.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Gibbs knocked on Tony’s door softly, not wanting to wake the younger man if he was sleeping. He could hear movement and the audible sigh Tony let out when he realised who was visiting him.
“What are you doing, Boss?” He asked, still opening the door wide enough for Gibbs to step through.
“Checking you’re still here.” Gibbs replied honestly.
“Where else would I be?”
“I have no idea. On the way to another job, another city.” Gibbs shrugged taking a seat without waiting to be offered. This had become something of a ritual, Gibbs visiting Tony when they had a case that affected him badly, and vice versa too. Tony’s itchy feet when it came to his jobs hadn’t escaped Gibbs’ notice, of course, neither had the fact that he had left after a case such as the one they had been dealing with that week. It was almost like they tainted his experience of the job, the city, his life. This wasn’t the first case they had dealt with like this, and Gibbs knew it wouldn’t be the last, but he wasn’t prepared to lose DiNozzo from his team this way. He had some kind of weird pride in the fact that NCIS had managed to hold Tony’s interest and loyalty for five years now.
Tony didn’t deny the fact that he had been considering leaving. His laptop was open to a word document, Gibbs couldn’t see it clearly.
“What’s that?”
“My letter of resignation.” Tony shrugged.
“You’re writing one?”
“I don’t need to write one. I just change the date.” Tony replied. Gibbs sighed.
“Not like this, Tony.” He looked the younger man straight in the face. “No matter where you go this is going to keep happening. Are you really going to have the energy to run forever?” Tony looked at his hands and made no effort to respond. His usual energy gone, Gibbs’ wasn’t sure how many people had seen Tony in moods like this but he guessed not many.
“You want a beer?” Tony asked. Gibbs just nodded, accepting in silence. They sat like that for a while, before Gibbs knew it was time to go. He stood, patting Tony on the shoulder.
“I’ll see you at work, DiNozzo.” He said sternly, leaving before the younger man could reply, although he probably wouldn’t anyway.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Hey, Abs.” Gibbs handed her a CaffPow. The case had been as hard on her as on the rest of the team.
“Hey. Have you seen Tony yet?” She asked anxiously.
“He’s at his desk.” Gibbs promised.
“Good.” Abby nodded distractedly, turning away as one of her machines beeped. Gibbs regarded her form contemplatively. He knew she and Tony were close, they’d always gotten along well. Abby loved Tony’s sense of humour and Tony…well, he just seemed intrigued by the young goth and her outlook on the world.
“You have any idea why these cases affect him so badly?” Gibbs asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Abby whipped round to look at him.
“They affect everyone.” She replied, watching Gibbs carefully.
“Nothing affects him this badly, nothing at all.” Gibbs reminded her.
“Do you know?” She asked. Gibbs realised quickly that she was fishing for information, not trying to decide if they both had the same knowledge so they could discuss it freely. Gibbs shook his head and she sighed. “I have a theory though.” Gibbs started a little at the suddenly tearful tone of her voice.
“Yeah?” He asked.
“Yeah.” She nodded.
“Care to share, Abs?” Gibbs coaxed gently.
“I think he was abused.” She said it quietly. “By his dad. Maybe by his mom too, I don’t really know.”
“Sexually?” Gibbs asked.
“It would explain a lot.” Abby sighed, taking a deep breath straight after and standing up a little taller. “His promiscuity, his complete fear of intimacy or commitment of any kind, the show he puts on so no one can get close to him. I haven’t asked him, even I’m too tactful to approach him about that.” She looked at Gibbs hopefully and he shook his head.
“If I confront him he’ll run.” He warned. “You know he will.”
“He’s going to run soon anyway.” She replied and it was obvious immediately that she knew something Gibbs didn’t. Tony had been his usual self for the most part but Gibbs had noticed that he occasionally seemed withdrawn from the team and it was happening more frequently. “If you don’t give him a reason to stay he’ll leave.”
“How am I supposed to give him a reason?” Gibbs demanded, frustrated. He hadn’t spent this long training Tony to lose him this easily.
“Make him feel safe.” She suggested.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Gibbs found himself outside the door to Tony’s apartment for the second night in a row, raising his hand to knock when the door swung open. Tony gave him an irritated glance.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He told Gibbs.
“Yet.” Gibbs agreed, stepping inside. Tony’s laptop wasn’t turned on and the TV was playing an old basketball game. Gibbs sat down without waiting to be invited.
“Is this going to become a nightly occurrence?” Tony demanded sitting down at the other end of the sofa and eyeing Gibbs cautiously.
“Does it need to be?” Gibbs asked calmly. Tony shrugged looking away. “I want to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“Why this case got to you so badly. Why they always do.”
“I’m supposed to find it easy to see kids abused?”
“No one finds that easy.” Gibbs had known this was a bad idea. Tony had absolutely no reason to tell him, especially if he had chosen not to tell Abby. “Why was this one worse?”
“Because it was her father.” Tony spat. “Ok? Parents are supposed to protect their kids, not destroy them.”
“Your parents protect you, Tony?” Gibbs asked, Tony swallowed thickly and looked away. “Didn’t think so.” Gibbs sighed.
“You knew my parents were lousy.” Tony pointed out. “Not like I’ve ever sat around telling happy stories from my childhood like Abby and McGee.”
“I knew you were neglected.” Gibbs nodded. “Possibly emotionally abused. I didn’t realise there was more to it.”
“I never said there was.” Tony was looking at his hands again.
“You never told anyone?”
“Told anyone what?” Tony asked.
“Tony…”
“Why? Why is this so important to you? I’ve never spoken to anyone about it before, what’s the point in doing it now?!” Tony glared at Gibbs, speaking through gritted teeth. Gibbs knew how dangerous Tony could be, knew he was skating on thin ice but he also knew Abby was correct. To get Tony to stay he needed to give him a reason, or to at least try and banish some of the demons that forced the younger man to run so often. Gibbs waited for Tony’s anger to turn to frustration and then resignation that Gibbs wasn’t going to let this go easily. “It doesn’t matter.” Tony sat back dejectedly.
“It matters to me.”
“What are you going to do? Go and beat him up? He’s an old man now, Gibbs. A lonely old man. Life has its own way of getting revenge.”
“So what are you running from?” Gibbs asked. “If not him.”
“I can’t run from him.” Tony replied bitterly. “He’s in my head. I’m never going to be able to get him out. No matter what I do, what I achieve, I’ll only ever be good for one thing. In his eyes and mine.”
“I know this means nothing Tony but I don’t believe that.”
“It would mean something if I could make myself believe it.”
“Yeah. I get that.” Gibbs nodded. He wanted to reach out somehow, to tell Tony that everything was going to be ok from now on but he couldn’t promise that and he doubted Tony would react well to a physical gesture of comfort just then. “How old were you?”
“When?”
“When it started.” Gibbs clarified. Tony looked at his shoes.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged.
“You don’t remember the first time?” Gibbs tried to keep the incredulity out of his voice but wasn’t sure he had succeeded.
“I was young.” Tony said quietly. “I remember the first time he…” He paused before taking a deep breath to steel himself against the words he was about to utter, confessions he had admitted he had never told anyone before. “The first time he raped me I was 9. But there had been other stuff before that.”
“When was the last time?” Gibbs needed to know.
“Before I let for college.” Tony replied, eyes downcast. “I applied for a sports scholarship without him knowing. Accepted it without him knowing too, he thought I was going to Harvard to study business, he’d pulled some strings to get me in. I was staying with one of my friends for the summer, I guess their parents felt sorry for me because my mom was dead and my dad was always so busy with his wives and mistresses. Anyway, he went crazy and I…I didn’t have the energy to fight him off, I never had. The next day, I was packing up my stuff and he came into my room and I just…I told him if he touched me again I’d snap his neck. I was taller than him but he was bigger and he’d always been stronger than me. He lunged at me and I…somehow I pinned him down. I don’t know how I did it.”
“Desperation creates a lot of strength.” Gibbs offered.
“Yeah. Anyway, I don’t know what stopped me from killing him but I just left him, lying on the floor in my room and walked out of the house with half of my belongings.”
“Have you seen him since?”
“Once. He came to college to see me. I could hardly have him kicked out. We went for dinner and played nice with his new wife. He gave me some money, I donated it to the local children’s refuge. He sends me cards and gifts at Christmas and on my birthday but I usually just donate them.”
“You let him know when you move?”
“No, but he always finds me. He’s not being generous, he’s just letting me know that he knows where I am.”
“Christ, Tony. I can’t believe you never told anyone.”
“Who would I tell?” Tony asked, shivering a little although the apartment was warm. “No one would believe my word over his. He’d say I was crazy and have me locked away.”
“I believe you.”
“Yeah, well, never really met anyone like you before, boss.”
“I don’t know whether that’s a compliment or not.” Gibbs smiled a little.
“Me neither.” Tony admitted, relaxing slightly.
“So why do you run?” Gibbs asked gently. Tony shrugged a little.
“No point getting too comfortable somewhere.” He sighed. “I don’t even know why. I just start feeling trapped after a while, like if I don’t move on I never will be able to.”
“Five years is a pretty long stretch then.”
“I’ve thought about leaving. As soon as I’d been here 2 years I had my letter written.” He indicated his laptop.
“What stopped you?”
“You actually remembered.” Tony shrugged. “I didn’t think you would. Didn’t think it would matter enough.” Gibbs nodded, he’d always known that even the smallest assurances of Tony’s place on the team, of his worth to Gibbs and the rest of them, went a long way. “And Kate was still new.”
“What about after that?” Gibbs asked. He remembered having their first case involving child abuse around that time.
“There were other factors to consider.” Tony replied cagily. Gibbs frowned, wondering why Tony was choosing to be so guarded then after being so open previously. He thought for a second about what might have prompted Tony to want to stay.
“Kate?” He asked, knowing it was wrong when Tony just blinked at him. “Abby?” He offered.
“After Kate died we got really close.” Tony admitted. “I love her to bits, boss, but she’s like a sister to me.” Gibbs wondered what had happened to keep Tony around, realising that it might not necessarily be work related but somehow knowing that it was or Tony wouldn’t let him keep guessing. He thought for a second about the events that had happened after Kate joined the team but before her death.
“McGee.” He realised suddenly. He’d always thought there was something strange about the way Tony teased the younger agent. Tony could be sharp and quick but he was never cruel or vicious, sometimes he was downright gentle in his teasing, something that occurred much more infrequently when he had teased Kate, or the way he teased Ziva. It was almost like the way a small boy pulled the pigtails of the girl he liked. Tony was looking away, not denying anything. “Tony…”
“You’ll have my resignation in the morning.”
“I don’t want your damn resignation!” Gibbs replied immediately, regretting his sharp tone when he saw the way Tony flinched. “I came here to make sure I don’t get it.”
“Even now?” Tony eyed Gibbs warily.
“Even now.” Gibbs nodded. “I’ll have to look up the rules on relationships between agents but we’re a civilian agency and I’ve never worried about the rules before so…”
“Wait a minute.” Tony interrupted. “He doesn’t know and he’s not going to.” He insisted.
“Why?” Gibbs asked, honestly curious. He knew McGee worshipped the ground Tony walked on and it was more than just hero worship. He’d seen the younger agent watching Tony in fascination more than once.
“Because it’s not fair to him.” Tony replied. “He’ll settle down with a nice girl and they’ll have really smart kids…”
“You think he can do better than you.” Gibbs realised.
“I know he can.”
“I think he’d disagree with you.”
“He’s not going to get the chance.” Tony sighed. “I’ve already had this discussion with Abby.” Gibbs had known she knew something she wasn’t telling him.
“Didn’t it bother you when they were…together?”
“They were never ‘together’.” Tony sighed. “I…I care about them both a lot, if they made each other happy that would have made me happy.” Tony replied honestly and Gibbs nodded his understanding. “I stuck around at first because….well, you know why, but now it’s just getting too hard.”
“What is it about him?” Gibbs asked curiously. Tony flushed and shook his head. “No, seriously, I’m interested.”
“He’s so smart.” Tony sighed.
“You’re smart.” Gibbs reminded him.
“No, I’m not. I’m not stupid. I have a lot of street sense that he doesn’t have, and I make connections between things because my mind doesn’t work in a logical way but I’m not smart. I couldn’t have gone to MIT, I couldn’t have gotten a book published.” Gibbs wasn’t sure about the last point, Tony had one of the most vivid imaginations possible.
“You can’t leave because of this.” Gibbs said, as gently as possible, McGee would be devastated and it was just like Abby to tell him and set him on a mission to bring Tony back to DC which would only bring chaos to Gibbs’ team and heartache to its members.
“I can’t stay either.” Tony sighed.
“He might surprise you.” Gibbs tried to nudge gently but he really wasn’t the best person to give Tony advice on this and if Abby had failed the chances he was going to succeed were slim. Maybe he needed to come at it from a different angle.