Chapter Nineteen:

“Gibbs, wake up!”

Gibbs felt someone shaking his shoulder as he slowly returned to consciousness.

“Come on! Gibbs, you have to wake up now. I need you.”

Gibbs opened his eyes and found himself face to face with Karen.

“It’s Tony. He’s having another nightmare and I can’t wake him up. I need you to try,” she said urgently.

Gibbs shot to his feet, suddenly wide awake. Karen had headed for the door, not looking to see if he was following. When they got to Tony’s room the alarms were sounding. Gibbs saw that Tony was once again thrashing on the bed. Bert was on the floor beside the bed and Tony’s covers were askew. Disconnected electrodes lay limply around his bare chest. He had pulled the IV’s out of his hand and blood was pooling on the sheets below it. His fists were clinched so tightly that the knuckles had turned white. His eyes were moving rapidly under his closed lids, and his head was swinging from side to side. Gibbs rushed over to his side, already speaking.

“Tony, wake up. Tony, its Gibbs. You need to wake up.”

Tony felt the blows raining down on him. He tried to roll away from them but was stopped by something; he was held in place, completely unable to protect himself. The man was screaming incoherently at him. He felt a sharp pain in his chest and everything started to fade slightly. Suddenly Tony was on a dock, staring down at Gibbs unmoving body. Tony realized he was all wet and he lifted up his hand to brush the water off his face. When he withdrew his hand he looked at it. It was red. He reached back up with both hands and pressed them to his cheeks. He then held them out to examine them. They were covered in blood. He looked back down at Gibbs, and saw that blood was dripping from his body onto Gibbs. He jerked to his right and was surprised when he felt something. Looking down, he saw Kate’s body, a bullet hole in her forehead. She was staring at him. When he screamed she sat up and laughed at him. “You’ll end up in the gutter” she started to say over and over.

“You’re okay Tony. It’s just a dream. Calm down. I’ve got you,” Gibbs said, as he slid a hand under Tony’s neck, cradling the back of his head. With the other hand he softly caressed the top of Tony’s head. “Wake up Tony. Come on, you can do it.”

Tony was now desperately applying CPR to Gibbs, trying to get him to breathe. He bent down to blow air in Gibbs’ non-breathing mouth. He sat up to compress Gibbs’ chest, and then lowered his head again towards Gibbs’ mouth. Just before he sealed it with his own, Gibbs’ face morphed and Tony found his lips touching Jeffery White’s. Jeffery smiled at him and stuck out his tongue, licking blood off Tony’s face. Tony tried to scream again but discovered he could make no sound.

“Tony, you’re dreaming. It’s not real. Tony? Come on back Tony.”

Tony stared at the leering face below him. Jeffery was using his tongue to make obscene facial expressions. Tony felt the pain in his chest again. It blotted out Jeffery’s face, and Tony could suddenly hear someone calling him.

“You’re having a nightmare Tony. You just need to wake up. Come on Tony. You can do it,” Gibbs encouraged.

Tony’s eyes flew open. Gibbs’ face swam back into his vision.

“That’s it Tony. It was just a dream. You’re fine now,” Gibbs was saying soothingly.

Tony felt fingers running through his hair. He blinked a couple of times, trying to reconnect with reality. He could feel a hand gently holding his head. Real, this was real he told himself. He was awake and Gibbs was holding his head. His body involuntarily shivered with pleasure. His eyes sought out Gibbs’.

“Are you with me now, Tony?” Gibbs asked quietly.

Tony saw the concern on Gibbs’ face. He noted how tired Gibbs looked. He slowly nodded his head in answer to the question. He felt Gibbs slide his hand out from under his head and Tony reached up, capturing Gibbs’ retreating hand with his own.

“It’s okay Tony. I’m not going anywhere. I just need to move out of the way so that Nurse Karen can get you fixed up again. I’m going to move to the other side of the bed,” and Gibbs gently disengaged Tony’s hand, and nodded towards the woman who had come to stand by his side.

“Hi there Tony. That was quite a dream you were having. It must have been pretty frightening because you even managed to scare me and Gibbs,” she said, smiling as she reached over to reattach the electrodes that had been pulled from his body during the dream. She looked familiar, although he couldn’t place her. She had a kind face; the few lines on it were the type of creases only smiles gave a person. Tony was surprised when he immediately felt at ease with her. “I’m just going to get you fixed back up; a few things got knocked off while you were dreaming. Don’t pay any attention to me.”

Tony became aware of his left hand being lowered back down by his side. He felt a rough but warm hand encircle it and give a small squeeze. Tony turned his head to the left and saw Gibbs watching him closely, with an expression that Tony couldn’t interpret. That surprised him; he had thought that over the years he had catalogued and defined every one of Gibbs’ looks. Even as Tony watched, the expression disappeared, replaced by a warm yet direct look.

“Tony, I need you to listen closely to me. Can you do that?” Gibbs asked him, holding his eyes with his own, not continuing until Tony nodded his agreement. “You’re safe in the hospital right now. The doctors are all very happy with how you’re doing. Do you get that Tony?” Gibbs asked.

Once again Tony nodded his understanding and was rewarded with a smile from Gibbs.

“That’s real good Tony. You’ve been having bad dreams and slight panic attacks; which is completely understandable,” Gibbs added the last quickly. He stopped and watched to see how Tony would react to this. He wasn’t surprised when Tony looked confused.

“Gibbs,” Karen cautioned from the other side of the bed. Her voice sounded worried. She was looking at him with concern, not wanting him to inadvertently scare Tony again.

Gibbs looked up at her, and said, “Let me do this Karen. I think it will help.” Gibbs hoped he sounded surer than he felt. He knew that something had to be done, and straight talk had always worked for him before.

Gibbs gave Tony’s hand another squeeze to make sure he had his full attention. “I need you to remember that you’re safe now. No one is going to hurt you. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. We got the bad guys anyway. They sure as hell aren’t getting near you again. You got that Tony?”

When Gibbs told him they had the perps, Tony remembered that he had needed to tell Gibbs something. He wiggled his hand to let Gibbs know. He tried to convey the need through his eyes.

“Easy Tony,” said Gibbs, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake when he saw Tony’s eyes get big and wild looking. “We got the guys that did this to you; John David Lynch and Matthew Nichols. They’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”

Hearing the name Nichols, Tony started to settle down. That was what he had to tell Gibbs, he remembered; one of the perps was named Nichols. He immediately relaxed. He nodded and gave Gibbs’ hand an answering squeeze.

“You have to work at staying calm. They’ve been sedating you so that you don’t hurt yourself by becoming too agitated. Can you promise to do that, Tony? Can you stay calm?” Gibbs asked in a soothing voice, and was relieved when Tony nodded his head. Gibbs was worried that he was beginning to sound like a broken record. He looked over at Karen, who was watching the interaction with a slight, but knowing smile on her face.

“I need to clean up this hand and reconnect the IV’s. It’s likely to hurt a little,” she said to Gibbs.

Gibbs looked down at Tony, who was still completely focused on him. “Tony, Nurse Karen is going to do a few things to your right hand. She has to insert an IV. I need you to hold still while she does it because you need the medicine to keep getting better. Can you do that?” and he was rewarded with another nod from Tony.

Gibbs decided it was time to change the subject. He bent down and retrieved Bert from the hospital floor, placing him at Tony’s side. “Do you remember Abby coming to visit this morning?” he asked. He didn’t wait for a response, but continued, “She had on quite the get up. I think she freaked out the nurse on duty. It must have been the fairy wings. She had me come in with Abby so you wouldn’t be alone with her. Don’t know what she thought Abby was going to do to you. That’s when Bert arrived,” he said, gesturing to the stuffed hippo now resting against Tony’s side. “Everyone wants to come visit. I’ve been putting them off until you’re a little better. Can’t imagine you having a whole stream of guests when you can’t talk. I know that would just about kill you,” he said with a smile. As he spoke, he watched Tony’s eyes get heavier. “Go ahead and sleep Tony. Just remember that you’re safe.”

Gibbs’ thumb was rubbing reassuring little circles on his hand, and Tony felt himself being lulled into slumber. He linked his fingers through Gibbs’ and, burrowing his head into the pillow, he tilted his head until it completely faced the side that Gibbs was standing on. As he started to drift off, he could hear Gibbs still talking softly to him. His last conscious thought was the realization that he felt truly safe for the first time in a long while. With that knowledge, he tumbled back into sleep.

“Gibbs, I’ve got to get some supplies for fixing this IV. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Karen said, interrupting Gibbs’ rather mindless murmurs of reassurance. She was privately amused when he gave a small start at the sound of her voice, apparently having forgotten that she was still there. He acknowledged her statement and she hurried out of the room.

Gibbs glanced at the clock on the wall and was surprised to discover that it was only 10:50. He reached his free hand up to Tony’s face and placed the back of his fingers along Tony’s jaw and cheek. He was surprised when Tony responded by rubbing his face against the fingers, much like the way a cat does when they’re seeking affection. Gibbs face softened and he obliged Tony, gently running his hand slowly up and down the cheek for a moment. Then he lowered the hand, and laid it over the top of Tony’s hand, which was still laced through the fingers of Gibb’s his other hand. “God, what a fine mess,” he breathed to himself, not sure if he was referring to the nightmare or his overpowering need to touch Tony.

Karen came back into the room carrying several things, after being gone for what seemed like a long time to Gibbs. “That took awhile,” he said.

“I needed to talk to the doctors about what happened and then get these supplies. Gibbs, the doctors and I agree that Tony seems to do much better when you are in the room. For some reason you work better than a sedative.”

“I’m not sure that’s a compliment, Karen,” Gibbs smiled wryly.

Karen laughed at his answer and then continued, “Well, some people wouldn’t complain about being another’s drug of choice. Anyway, the doctors and I think it might be better if we suspend the visitor rules and let you stay in here with him for a while. He can’t keep having these dream episodes. Eventually he’s going to do damage that will need to be repaired. It was harder to pull him out of this last one. Maybe if you’re here, you can stop it before he gets too far into the dream. I know this is asking a lot . . .”

“Of course I’ll stay in here. It’s not like I’ve been doing anything more useful out in the visitor’s lounge.” Gibbs interrupted her before she could finish.

“Okay then. I’m going to insert this new IV catheter. Just talk to him while I do it. I’d rather he not wake up,” she said.

Gibbs resumed his soft, one sided conversation with Tony while Karen worked. He was running out of ideas to use for the endless monologue so he started to tell Tony about the progress he was making on his boat. He started by talking about the woods he was going to use for the interior portions and why he had selected them. He had just gotten around to describing the ebony he has special ordered from the lumber store when Karen said, “All finished. Why don’t you move back around to this side? I’ll put the chair back and you can get comfortable. If you’re good I’ll even find you a blanket,” she teased. “Don’t feel like you have to talk to him all night. He needs to sleep. If he starts another nightmare you should know because the pulse rate monitor will trigger the alarm. Once that happens you know what to do. Maria is covering the night shift again. I’ll make sure she knows what’s going on.”

“I don’t think she’s overly fond of me,” Gibbs told her.

“She’s a good lady. She just got shook up when Tony had that panic attack. She’s like a watch dog with her patients. Surely you can relate to that.” Karen said, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah,” Gibbs answered.

“Well, I’ll be back with the blanket before I go off duty. I need to write up my reports. Gibbs, you really should trust the machines and try to get some sleep. It’s going to be a long night, and Tony may well sleep through it just fine. He seemed better, more peaceful, when he fell asleep this time. Knowing you’re here may hold off the nightmares.”

“He knows I’ve always got his six,” Gibbs said gruffly, slightly embarrassed by the way the conversation was headed.

“Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to be reminded,” Karen said as she prepared to leave.

And while Tony slept, the night dragged on. Gibbs alternated between talking to Tony and dozing fitfully. Throughout it all, he maintained physical contact with Tony, whether holding his hand or merely resting his own hand on Tony’s arm. Nurses came and went, checking on Tony. Karen said her good byes, and Maria, her hellos. Around four in the morning, Gibbs was sitting up; holding the coffee Maria had gifted him with moments before. As he sipped, he stared unseeing at the displays on the machines monitoring Tony, tired enough to let his defenses down, allowing his mind to wander. Tony was an enigma to him. He usually seemed so confident and assured, but Gibbs knew there was a darkness lurking underneath the shiny surface Tony displayed to the world. He had seen it in his eyes on rare occasions. It manifested itself in Tony’s desire for verbal approval. Tony seemed to talk incessantly, joking, teasing or spewing movie quotes at random; but for all his talk, he rarely said anything substantive about himself.

“What do I really know about you Tony?” Gibbs asked, not even aware he was speaking out loud.

“I know you’re loyal and brave. I know you’re smart and competent. I know you’re easy on the eye. I know that despite your antics, you take the job seriously. I know you’d protect any member of the team with your life. I know you like nice things. I know you loved Jeanne.” He paused, rubbing at his tired eyes, that last statement having changed the direction of his ramble. “I know things didn’t go real well for you when you were growing up, but I don’t know the details. I know you blame yourself for Jenny’s death, but I don’t know how to help you with that. I know you’ve been working yourself into the ground, but I don’t know why. I know you’ve had a string of girlfriends, but I don’t know if guys fit into the equation, too. I know you can’t seem to commit to a relationship, but I don’t know if that’s because you’re afraid or just disinterested. I know I’d break Rule Number Twelve for you,” and Gibbs instantly stopped talking. That was way more than he had intended to say, and that last bit was an admission he wasn’t sure he was ready to face, let alone say out loud, even if it was to a sleeping body. Suddenly he felt pressure on his hand that was linked to Tony’s. Looking up, he was horrified to find Tony’s eyes open and locked on him.

He tried to pull his hand away, but Tony held firm. “Look DiNozzo, that was totally out of line on my part. I’m just tired and talking out of my ass. I don’t even know what I’m really saying.”

Tony pressed harder with his fingers, squeezing Gibbs hand until it almost hurt.

“Christ, we can’t be having this discussion now. You’re in a hospital bed, half dead. We’ll talk about this when you’re better,” Gibbs said desperately.

Tony nodded, and squeezed again.

“Maybe you won’t even remember this in the morning,” Gibbs added hopefully, under his breath.

Tony’s eyebrows shot up, and he shook his head. Gibbs felt Tony’s fingers pull away from his hand, and then reposition themselves as they wrapped completely around Gibbs’ hand.

Gibbs sighed. “And I know you are one of the most stubborn people I have ever met,” he said, as he brought his other hand up to wrap around Tony’s.