Series: Moments Sacred and Profane

Title: MSP10: The Orpheus Box

Author: Mice

Email: just_us_mice@yahoo.com

Category: Stargate: Atlantis, McKay/Beckett

Warnings: slash, angst

Spoilers: The Storm, The Eye, Poisoning the Well

Rating: NC17

Summary: After the storm, Rodney and Carson have some issues. An Ancient device complicates matters for some of our favorite Atlantis residents.

Archive: If it's on your list, you can archive it. If it isn't and you'd like it, just let me know were you're putting it.

Feedback: Feed me, Seymour.

Website: Mice's Hole in the Wall http://www.squidge.org/mice

Mirror: http://mice.inkpress.org

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to many other people. But if they were mine, they'd be having very interesting adventures.

Author's Notes: This story takes place about six weeks after A Remote Important Region. Shep has to be back in action after his owies in the last story for the events in The Storm and The Eye. As always, copious thanks to my betas Jenji and Abylity for their work above and beyond the call of duty. Abylity has an uncanny knack of saving me from myself.

~~~

The Orpheus Box

Lovers, if they knew how, might utter strange, marvelous

words in the night air.

~~Rainier Maria Rilke, from Duino Elegies, The Second Elegy trans. Stephen Mitchell~~

Stepping in front of a loaded gun had never been Rodney's intention, but he found himself staring down the barrel, talking desperately, trying to convince a lunatic Genii officer not to shoot Dr. Weir or himself. Panic -- yes, that was definitely where he was at right now.

***

Carson could hardly think with Ford pushing at him to take off and fly through the storm. He'd hardly had any piloting lessons yet, and though he did well in the calm of a clear day, the storm terrified him. Much as he was desperate to get back to Atlantis, back to help Rodney and Dr. Weir and Major Sheppard trapped there with the Genii, they would be no good to anyone if they were dead. And dead was what they'd be if he was forced to fly in this.

He hated that he was a coward. He hated not being able to do anything to help Rodney or the others. The situation had sounded desperate when they'd spoken to the Major, but what could he do? His luck with Ancient technology was questionable at best.

There were moments when he wished he had Rodney's bravery, unwilling as it often was. Tragically, he was only himself, and so they waited in the howling wind with trees falling around them.

***

He was a lousy bluffer, but he could lie when he had to. He'd never needed to more in his life.

Elizabeth kept Kolya off balance enough that Rodney could do what was necessary without undue supervision. She read his cues and played off his unspoken thoughts with a skill that astonished him. It was fortunate the Genii didn't understand Ancient technology or he'd be screwed even worse than he already was.

In truth, he was exceedingly screwed. So was the city. If Sheppard couldn't save them, they couldn't save the city, and Rodney wasn't sure he'd be able to pull his plan off alone. There was this slight problem of being only one of him. Even he wasn't that arrogant.

His arm ached like a blaze of lightning.

***

His hands were sweaty on the Jumper controls. The wind was ferocious, and lightning flashed all around them. Their craft was battered and rocked by the force of the storm despite the inertial dampening, and he held the controls more tightly, knuckles white with the strain. He did his best to stay on a steady heading but Ford's constant, angry 'encouragement' only served to unnerve Carson even more. He was terrified.

There were five lives in his hands, and the Jumper was no scalpel.

***

Automatic weapons fire rang over the radio, and Rodney's heart nearly stopped. The report that Sheppard had just killed three Genii soldiers gave him a small -- very small -- amount of hope.

***

Flying was a lunatic occupation to begin with. Flying in a hurricane was a task only a suicidal madman would undertake, but here he was. Ford was getting more strident by the moment, shouting at him, no longer even attempting civility. Carson tried to block it out, to focus on flying, but the wind was terrible.

He wished he were safe somewhere with Rodney -- that Rodney was safe and not a bloody hostage to heavily armed would-be nuclear bombers. It was all madness. He wanted to help, but he didn't want anyone to die from his incompetence or the enemy's stupidity.

Landing. That would be the trick of it.

***

Rodney thought the rain would drive him nuts, if the pain in his arm didn't first. Weir was sitting with him, tucked under his arm as they huddled together, trying to stay marginally warm. He was going to catch his death of cold out here, if he didn't catch a bullet from Kolya first.

He'd stepped in front of a gun for her. It was insane, but it had been his only option. He hoped Carson was safe, wherever he was in the storm. He tightened his arm around Elizabeth and she huddled closer.

***

Landing had been just as awful as he'd thought, what with the wind blowing so hard. He'd barely made it in through the landing bay doors without scraping holes in the Jumper's hull. He'd grudgingly agreed to this taking orders thing as a temporary measure. He knew he couldn't keep it up for long.

The Lieutenant had no interest in anything he said and kept asking him things he had no reason to know -- like which naquadah generators ran what parts of the city. He was a medical doctor, not an engineer. Rodney was the one he should have been asking, but Rodney wasn't here. That left a cold knot in Carson's stomach. What was worse, Ford kept blaming him when he guessed wrong, and telling him to shut up.

If he were a fighting man, he'd have taken a swing at Ford out of sheer frustration. Of course, it looked like Aiden was about to do the same to him. He hoped they didn't kill each other before the Genii got to them.

***

He was finally at the control console, the Genii invaders defeated. Rodney had always known he was a cold bastard. Everyone said so. And now he was going to fry his lover and one of his teammates to save the city.

Sheppard had told him to give them two minutes. He wasn't sure the city would survive it, and it would mean no second chance if it failed the first time, but he'd wait. He prayed to gods he didn't believe in; prayed that Carson and Teyla would make it to the control room in time.

***

Carson's head pounded like drums as Teyla and the Genii woman dragged him into the control room.

"Carson," Rodney said.

"Rodney."

"Just in time to see how this ends, huh?"

He leaned on the console to keep himself from falling as his head spun. Rodney hit some buttons and shouted "now!" and the tsunami passed around the city without so much as a slosh.

It was over.

Carson figured he could pass out now.

***

Shel Tuchman woke Carson gently.

The Genii woman, Sora, had hit him in the face with the butt of her pistol and left him with a mild concussion. McKay hadn't been able to do much, but he'd at least made sure Carson got to the infirmary and had insisted that the incoming medical crew treat him first.

McKay had wrapped his own arm, doing a truly lousy job of it, but he wouldn't let anyone touch him until after he was certain Carson would be all right. He'd given himself some pain medication, which was probably why he didn't seem to care about his own injury. He'd been high as a kite and wandered off to find food.

The man was changing since he and Carson had gotten together. She found she liked the changes. He was almost tolerable these days, at least when what he was doing involved Carson. She was pleased that McKay cared enough about him to try to take care of him.

"Doctor Beckett." Carson groaned softly, his eyes fluttering. "Wake up, Doctor." She put a hand on his arm.

"Shel."

She smiled at him. "How are you feeling?"

Another muffled groan. "I've been better." He looked around. "Where's Rodney? He had blood all over his arm--"

"He'll be fine. We patched him up yesterday, after we saw to you."

"Yesterday?" He looked confused.

She nodded. "You had a minor concussion."

"Oh, right, right." He nodded, putting a hand to his face. "I remember now. Rodney managed to save the city. The shield worked."

"Everyone's home again, but it's still pretty chaotic," she told him. He sat carefully.

"Where's Rodney now? What happened to his arm?" There was a look of concern on Carson's face. She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

"I believe he's in the morning briefing with Dr. Weir and Major Sheppard."

"Och, I should be there as well." He started to get up from the bed.

Shel handed him his clothes. "Here, Carson. I'll leave you to get dressed."

"Thank you, luv." He took his clothes and she closed the privacy curtains for him.

***

Rodney wasn't actually avoiding him, but he was... avoiding him. It was strange and more than a little uncomfortable. He wanted to see Rodney's arm, but every time he got near, Rodney would say he had something to do, or somewhere to be. Elizabeth had said he'd been tortured by one of the Genii, but she wasn't certain what had been done to him. Rodney held his arm as though it ached badly, but kept insisting he was fine.

There was something in Rodney's eyes that bothered Carson. A strange uneasiness haunted them that ate at the back of his mind. It wasn't just physical pain he saw there, though that was part of it. This seemed something deeper. Rodney was probably avoiding him because of what had been done, and that gave him pause.

It took him most of the day to corner his lover. He finally got him alone in the corridor near Rodney's quarters. "Now," he said, "I want you to let me see your arm."

"It's not important," Rodney said, not looking at him. Carson touched it and Rodney jerked it away with a pained grunt.

"Not important? It seems like you need it checked again, and probably some pain meds as well from the sound of it. You don't want to be getting it infected, do you?"

"What part of not important don't you understand? Just leave me alone!" Rodney turned and tried to storm off, but Carson grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Just you wait, now. Elizabeth told me the Genii tortured you. I want to see your arm and I want to know you're going to be all right."

Rodney turned a shocked look on him. "Just -- just leave me alone, Carson." He jerked his shoulder away and hurried for his room.

Carson followed him, rushing to catch up. "Come on, Rodney, let me see you."

Rodney turned as he reached his door, leaning on it with his good arm. He radiated anger, and his face was a pinched combination of frustration and something else Carson couldn't read. "You are an exceedingly stubborn man."

"You've noticed." He stood before Rodney, arms crossed over his chest.

"You're not going to leave, are you?" Rodney sounded exhausted suddenly. Carson shook his head no. Rodney gave him a bleak look, opened the door and gestured, letting Carson enter first. He followed Carson in and let the door close.

"Now let me--"

Rodney grabbed him by the shoulder with his good hand and shoved him back against the door. "I love you, god damn it!" Rodney's voice was rough and angry, more intense than he'd heard it before, and Carson had no idea what was going through the man's head. The kiss was hot and fierce and Carson was breathless in it.

It was a bloody strange way to greet him, since Rodney had been avoiding him all day. Not that he minded the passionate kiss. He started to wrap his arms around his lover, but Rodney pulled back, a wild, angry look on his face. Carson stood staring at him, confused and panting.

"I can't do this," Rodney said, his voice choked and harsh.

Carson shook his head, trying to sort the seriously mixed messages he was getting. "Can't do what?"

"This!" Rodney waved his hand between them. "You and me. I can't do it."

Carson blinked. "What?"

"You understood English last time I looked," Rodney snapped.

"I don't understand, Rodney. What's going on?" He reached out to Rodney, who backed away from his touch.

"Do you understand what happened yesterday?" Rodney turned away from him and crossed his arms, wincing when he touched his injured forearm.

Carson stepped toward Rodney. "The Genii tortured you, but you saved the city."

Rodney refused to look at him. "Carson, I was going to *kill* you." He choked. "You and Teyla. Sheppard ordered me to give you two more minutes. I was going to start the sequence before you got there. Hell, I *had* started it, but he stopped me."

Carson stood, silent, letting that wash over him.

"I'm a cold fucking bastard, Carson. I wanted those two minutes in case I had to reset the system. If it failed..." He took a deep breath and collapsed on the couch, face in his hands. "As it was, if we'd waited five seconds longer we would have lost everything. We'd all have been dead anyway. You should get the hell away from me while you're still alive to do it. And now that you know what I did, you won't want to be around me anyway. It's best if we just end this now."

Carson was so shocked at the idea of ending their barely-started relationship that he couldn't make a sound. His mouth moved but nothing came out. Rodney looked up at him, devastated. "You see? Now you're not even willing to speak to me. Just go."

He shook his head and sat down next to Rodney, one arm around his shoulders. "Rodney..."

"Get out of here!" Rodney shrugged Carson's arm off and shoved, but he used his injured arm and yelped at the pain of using it, cradling it with his other arm.

"Please," Carson said softly. "Let me look at that." Rodney was hurt. He needed to see for himself.

"You're still here. Leave." Rodney was quieter this time, but looked like he'd been beaten about the head and shoulders.

He wanted to avoid thinking that Rodney had been willing to kill him, that Sheppard had ordered Rodney to give them more time. It was for the city, and if he were still in the halls when the time came he would have died whether the plan succeeded or failed -- he knew that in his head, but his heart ached. Despite that, he wasn't going to abandon the man he loved.

"What did they do to your arm, Rodney?" He reached out gently, taking Rodney's hand.

Rodney slumped back into his couch. "It's not important," he whispered.

"It's causing you pain, so I'd say it is." Carson carefully rolled up Rodney's sleeve and removed the bandages to look. There were three wounds, red and swollen and ugly, and he could feel Rodney's skin around them was too warm. "It looks like it's getting infected. You'll be feverish soon if this isn't treated again. Come down to the infirmary with me. You need to have some antibiotics, and we may need to clean this out."

Rodney shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"That's rubbish!" Carson snapped back at him, disturbed by the situation and fed up with Rodney's dismissals. "What happened?"

Rodney's face went pale. "They wanted to know how I was going to save the city. The guy went after me like a rabid weasel." His voice was soft and miserable and he shook when he spoke. "I failed, okay? I fucked up and they almost won. I almost killed you. Elizabeth almost got killed and the only reason she didn't was because I stepped in front of a gun for her."

Carson sat for a moment, stunned. "Oh my god." It was no wonder Rodney sounded irrational. "Oh my god, Rodney." His hand slid up Rodney's shoulder. Cupping the back of his neck, he pulled his lover to him and folded him into his arms.

"Carson--" Rodney tried to pull back.

"I'm not letting go, Rodney. Not over this." He held Rodney tightly. "We need to talk, indeed, but you'll not be rid of me so easily. I'm not letting you run at the first sign of trouble."

Rodney shuddered and finally put his arms around Carson. "I can't do this," he whispered. "I can't hurt you like that. You can't trust me. You shouldn't." Broad hands caressed Carson's back.

"Don't say that." Carson pressed his cheek to Rodney's, heart thundering. "What's happened has happened, and we're both still here. Elizabeth is still here. Atlantis is still here. We'll get through this. I love you and I'm not letting you go."

***

X rays showed the Genii's knife had nicked the bone in Rodney's arm. Carson told him this had increased the chance of infection, and in fact his arm had been throbbing like a son of a bitch since he'd come down from the pain medication late the night before.

When everyone had been coming back through the Gate and he'd had a chance to eat, he'd been completely looped on codeine. He'd felt the pain but really didn't give a shit. Hell, he'd been downright cheerful with Sheppard and Weir after Carson had been seen for his concussion.

They went through an excruciating process of reopening the wounds to get at and drain the growing infection and he'd nearly passed out from it. He'd let everyone know about his pain and displeasure, loudly and at great length. By the time Carson had stitched and wrapped them again, Rodney was ready to swear off anything involving sharp, pointy objects for the rest of his natural life. Part of him wondered if it was Carson's revenge for Rodney being willing to kill him.

He'd been remarkably stubborn when Rodney tried to break off their relationship. Carson wasn't having any of it, though Rodney couldn't understand why not. It wasn't like Rodney was any good at this whole love thing. Being willing to kill your lover, even if it was to save a city, didn't seem like the sort of thing people were supposed to do.

Maybe Carson was right. Maybe he really did need to talk to Heightmeyer. Sane people didn't act the way he had yesterday. Sane people tried to do everything they could to save people they loved. Psychopaths were willing to kill their lovers. Maybe he was psychotic and didn't know it.

When Carson was done with his arm, he'd said something about needing to talk to Teyla for a little while. Rodney wasn't sure if Carson was coming back afterward, but he didn't want to go back to his quarters. Nothing really felt right, and if he went there he'd just stew in his gloom and doom.

He found himself in the room by hydroponics where people sometimes went for impromptu music. The acoustics were really quite good. It was usually quiet there as well, the ambient sound of the room being conducive to just sitting quietly. He wasn't sure how the Ancients had managed that. It was something he meant to study one of these days when he had less pressing things on his mind than Wraith invasions and the impending destruction of Atlantis by the crisis of the day.

Rodney curled himself up into a chair in one corner of the room without bothering to turn on any lights. There was some ambient light coming in from one of the planet's moons through the Frank Lloyd Wright-ish windows, and it seemed to fit his mood.

Half an hour or so later, someone else entered. He looked up, but didn't say anything. To his surprise, it was Erin Siwicki. She didn't turn on any lights either, but sat by one of the windows. Something in her hand glowed, and music started.

It had to be the device he'd given her. He'd finally found a brief reference to it in an inventory. The Ancients had simply referred to it as 'the Musician.'

The music didn't sound like any of the Ancient compositions he'd heard when he and Carson had been messing with it, or like any of the other things Siwicki had gotten it to play the times she'd demonstrated new things to them. These were more mood pieces, he thought, than any kind of formal composition. There were four, and each was unique and filled with a different wash of deep emotions.

"What was that?" he asked.

She startled, then looked over at him. "McKay? I'm sorry. I had no idea you were in here."

"Didn't mean to startle you." He gestured toward her. "I've never heard those before."

She pulled the light in the room up just a little, but not enough to shock their dark-adjusted eyes. "It's something new," she said. "The Orpheus Box does more than just record and make music. I think it was meant for more than that."

"Orpheus Box?" He snorted, moving over to join her. "Leave it to an anthropologist. Don't tell Sheppard what you called it. He won't let you name things either."

"I think it's fitting," she said. "This thing is all about music and emotion. It's very 'Sonnets for Orpheus', really -- erecting a temple within their hearing, and all that."

He shook his head. "Rilke. Figures." She raised an eyebrow at him but he ignored it.

"You know Rilke?" There was surprise in her voice and the angle of her body.

"I know a lot of things. For instance, I always knew you were weird. So what's this new thing you've discovered that it does?" New things fascinated him, unless they seemed immediately dangerous. Even then, they could still be interesting if seen from a safe distance -- preferably with plenty of armed men and a flack vest between him and 'interesting.'

She looked at him. "It's... I guess the closest thing I could say is that it... expresses something about an individual's personality through music when they sit with it. I'm not sure how long you were here, but the pieces I was listening to were from four different people. I know you're going to laugh at the concept, but it's almost like listening to their souls."

Rodney didn't laugh. Actually the idea intrigued him. "You can figure out what a person's like from the music they make?"

"I think so, yeah. Actually, that time I had you try to compose with it gave me the idea. What came out, that just seemed so... so you. I mean, not the face you show everybody, but what's hiding underneath. The order and... um... the sadness. The complexity. I would never have accused you of being a simple man, McKay, but I think I understood you better after I heard that."

A shiver of goosebumps ran up his arms at that. "I doubt it would have told you what a cold motherfucker I am," he said. He had no idea why he said it. Siwicki was sort of a friend, or getting to be, but not somebody he'd ever wanted to confide in. She knew about the music though.

She gave him a confused look. "What do you mean? You can be a total ass sometimes Rodney, but I wouldn't use those words to describe you."

"No, you're too polite." He looked at the Orpheus Box.

She laughed. "Fat lot you know. I'm an ex-sailor remember? George Carlin's seven words you can't say on the radio have nothing on me. I can curse people out roundly in at least a dozen obscure languages."

He looked up at her and twitched an eyebrow. "I'll keep that in mind next time I want to light a fire under the troops."

"I have some choice words for the bastards who beat up Radek," she said.

"I'm sure." He could imagine more than a few himself.

"So why were you hiding out here by yourself? This hour of the night, I thought you'd be somewhere sane, like with Carson. Shouldn't you be celebrating saving the city and keeping a roof over all our heads?"

He flinched. "No," he said quietly, "I shouldn't." He stood to leave. She reached out and tugged on the leg of his pants.

"What's wrong?" The question sounded sincere. "I mean, first you give me this shit about being a cold motherfucker, then you're not gloating about your current act of science-geek heroism. That's not like you at all. What gives?"

Rodney was torn. He hated talking to people about how he felt, but she was Carson's friend and maybe she could talk some sense into him, get him to stay away so he'd be safe. He took a deep breath.

"I almost killed Carson yesterday," he said. "Deliberately."

Her eyes widened. "You what?" There was utter disbelief in her voice.

He nodded. "At the height of the storm, after Major Sheppard and Lieutenant Ford routed the Genii, there was a tidal surge heading for the city. It... I swear it was taller than the outlying towers."

Siwicki shuddered. "My gods."

"We had two and a half minutes to get the shield powered up and operational. The amount of power from the lighting strikes was unpredictable. The halls, they're conduits--"

She nodded. "Yeah, Radek was telling me about the general idea while we were on Manara."

"Carson and Teyla, they hadn't made it back to Stargate Control yet. I-I didn't know if it was going to work, or if I'd have to reset the system for a second try. I was starting to load the sequence. Sheppard had to stop me. He told me to give them..." His voice softened to a whisper. "He ordered me to give them two minutes to get to safety. We... when they finally got to us, I got the shield up with less than two seconds to spare before the wave hit the city. I was going to kill him. Both of them."

She wrapped her arms around herself. "Oh man. Rodney, that's... that's awful, having to make a decision like that. Gods, I never want to be there, to have to make a choice between someone I love and a whole city."

He'd been waiting for condemnation, but he heard none in her voice. She reached out tentatively and took his hand. He started to pull away but she didn't let him. "I'm so sorry. Are Carson and Teyla okay? After that... just... wow." She looked him in the eyes. "I was going to ask if you're okay, but that's a really stupid question right about now. It's pretty obvious you're not."

She shuffled a little closer and put her arms around him, just holding him. He stiffened, but she didn't move. After a few seconds, he realized she wasn't just going to give him a brief squeeze and let go. It wasn't any kind of a come-on, just warmth, and he hesitantly returned the embrace. Eventually, it was even comfortable. He relaxed into it. A moment later, he started shaking.

Before he knew it, silent tears were running down his face. He was embarrassed and ashamed of himself. If Siwicki was aware, she didn't say anything. All she did was sit with him and hold him, rubbing his back gently.

"He shouldn't trust me," Rodney finally whispered. He hated the weakness of letting her see this, but there was no one else around. She'd seen him in similar awkward straits before when she'd had him use the Orpheus Box, but hadn't betrayed that trust.

She tightened her arms around him. "Bullshit," she replied. "You got fucked by circumstances. The fact is, he's alive, Teyla's alive, the city's safe, and we're all home again. Without you, none of it would have been possible." She let him go and looked him in the eye. "And if you don't start telling me what a goddamned genius you are sometime in the next ten seconds, I'm gonna haul your ass off to Heightmeyer."

"Oh no you don't!"

She grinned. "Well, that sounds a little more familiar, at least. I'm shocked you haven't commissioned posters telling everyone how you saved the day yet again."

"How many languages will I need to print them in?" He smiled back at her. He still wasn't convinced that he was safe for Carson to be around, but at least he felt vaguely better.

She laughed. "Eight at least."

"They speak more than eight languages here?"

She gave him an askance look. "You don't even want to know." She patted his back. "Go find Carson, Rodney. Talk to him. But don't give him this song and dance about not trusting you. Shit happens, man. Most of us survived to tell the tale. You *didn't* hurt him. That's what counts, right?"

He wasn't so sure about that. "Siwicki -- Erin. I don't think he should stay with me. If I could do that, if I could make that kind of decision, how do I know I'm not going to hurt him or kill him the next time there's some kind of crisis?"

Her face wrinkled into a pained expression. "Rodney, what happened yesterday, it was extreme. Even out here, we're not likely to run into a lot of situations where you have to decide between killing your lover and saving the city. It's not like you're a psychopath. You're not going to turn on him tomorrow with a screwdriver and gut him like a trout because of this, okay? That's just not going to happen. You're a complete and utter asshole some days, but you're not usually *dangerous* to your friends. Thinking like that is seriously fucked up."

"I'm seriously fucked up."

She snorted. "Well yeah, everyone knows that. Most geniuses are. Join the club; there are a lot of us here. It's like a Mensa meeting gone horribly wrong."

That made him laugh despite the seriousness of the situation. He leaned back against the window. "I don't know. Maybe you're right." He tapped the Orpheus Box. "I'd like to hear more about this later. When are you heading back to the mainland?"

"Probably a week or so. Weir wants to keep me around until everything here is back to normal. That'll be a while." She shrugged. "I'd just as soon go tomorrow, help the Athosians get things put back together again. The settlement's likely to be a mess, if anything's still standing at all. They'll need all the hands they can get."

"Yeah, but we need hands here, too," he said. "There's a lot of territory to be checked for structural integrity and other kinds of damage."

Siwicki sighed. "Yeah, yeah. So I'd rather be somewhere with trees. I mean, Ancient architecture has its charms, but when I got out of the Navy I kind of hoped my days at sea were behind me."

***

"He would not have done so if he did not think it necessary," Teyla said. She sounded quite reasonable, really. "And he did wait."

"Aye," Carson said with a sigh. "He did, didn't he?"

"The Wraith are a terrible enemy. The City of the Ancestors would seem to be our only hope against them. As such, it is of far greater importance than any of us. To risk it, even on the strength of love, is a fool's decision." She looked him in the eye. "I would have done the same, no matter who was left in the halls. I believe, under the circumstances, you would as well."

"Sheppard ordered him to give us more time." He tried to reconcile it with his knowledge that, in fact, Rodney had done the right thing.

Teyla nodded. "He did, and we are fortunate. But Major Sheppard acted against the best interests of the city and your mission. We also, when we were stranded on the mainland, acted against the best interests of the city and the mission. Like Major Sheppard, our act was motivated by concern for others -- his for us, and ours for the lives of the hunters."

She was more generous about his doubts and fears than he was. Much of his fear had been for himself, and for Ford and Teyla. "You are a somewhat more able pilot than you believe. It is possible that we could have gotten to Atlantis if you had been willing to attempt the flight as soon as the hunters arrived."

There was no judgment in her voice, but he felt the weight of guilt no less. It was vaguely possible he could have piloted through the storm at that point, though even coming in through the chaos over Atlantis after he'd gone over most of it through the eye had been harrowing.

"I'm not so sure, Teyla," he said. "Landing was a near thing. You know as well as I that I almost put the Jumper down into the landing bay door. That could easily have killed all six of us." Just thinking about it, his hands were shaking. "I have trouble controlling the Ancients' things. I'm not like the Major. It's like some instinct for him. Me, I've got to struggle and concentrate for every moment of all but the simplest things."

Teyla shook her head and leaned against the railing. She looked out over the moonlit water. "You do not have enough faith in yourself, Dr. Beckett. I suspect it is your lack of confidence that inhibits you, not a lack of ability."

"I really only do well with medical things. I'm not much of a hand with the rest of what we do here. And I'm certainly no pilot. Sometimes I think if I hadn't got that bloody gene I discovered, I'd not be here at all, and maybe the mission would be better for it." He leaned on the railing with her.

The light on the water was almost familiar now, though it was eerily unlike moonlight on Earth. The planet's satellite was smaller, and it was one of two. Right now, he didn't think he'd ever felt further from home. He wondered what his mum was doing, and how she was.

Teyla turned to him. "You are denying your own worth. You have saved many lives since you have been here, among both your people and mine."

"And half a planet is dead because of me." It didn't matter what he did, he couldn't put Hoff behind him.

She laid a hand on his arm, warm and comforting. "As I have heard McKay say to you many times, you are not responsible for the decision of the entire Hoffan population. You tried to help the Hoffans. You urged caution and they did not listen. You cannot carry a burden that is not yours."

"I did that work, lass. I made that possible." His voice faded, roughening. "It's something I'll have with me until the day I die. I think I'll always be seeing Perna, lying in that bed, telling me how proud she was of that horrible disaster."

"You did not force her to inject herself." Her hand tightened on his arm, connecting him to the here and now. He put his own over it.

"No," he said softly. "You're right, I didn't. But it doesn't change anything, now, does it?"

She smiled at him. It was incongruous in the moonlight. "No. Nor does McKay's guilt." He stood and stared at her. "It is easy to see he cares for you very much, but he is afraid and does not seem to know how to express that caring. By attempting to push you away, I believe he is trying to shield himself from his guilt. It will only harm him if you allow that to happen."

"I know." Carson sighed and lowered his face, staring out at the moving waves. Rodney had already admitted that he always walked away before anyone could abandon him. "I'm not about to let him leave me. Not like this."

"It is good that you care for him. He has a great deal more strength and courage than he realizes, but at the same time, there is something in him that is... broken, I think. Be cautious and gentle with him, Dr. Beckett. He does not understand how much he needs you."

He'd always thought Teyla an insightful lass. She'd have to be, to lead her people in a place as dangerous as this. He'd seen Rodney's brokenness first hand and knew she was right, and that it went deeper than anyone suspected.

"Nor," she continued, "do I believe you understand how much you need him."

He looked up at her, surprised. "What, me?"

"Yes. You." With that, she took his face in her hands and touched her forehead gently to his in the Athosian gesture that seemed some odd, formalized equivalent of a hug. "Go safely, Dr. Beckett. I will see you tomorrow."

***

Carson came to his quarters that evening. Rodney almost wished he hadn't. Siwicki's words followed him: 'you didn't hurt him.' He kept telling himself that.

"Come on in." He watched as Carson sat on the couch. He was safe. He might be mildly concussed, but he wasn't dead. Rodney told himself to hang on to that.

Carson looked up at him expectantly and held out a hand. "Come sit with me, mo leannan." He was still saying it, still loved him. Rodney sat next to him.

"So you're not going to cut your losses and go." It was half a joke, but only half.

One arm slid around his shoulders. "No Rodney. You'll not be rid of me as easy as that." He settled against Rodney's side and Rodney put an arm around him. It felt good. "You need to forgive yourself. You did what you had to, and it turned out well."

"I could have--"

"You didn't. Teyla and I are just fine. The city's fine. You're fine. If you really want something to fret over, you can rail about how I wouldn't fly the Jumper through the storm to come to you early enough to prevent you being hurt."

Rodney was surprised at that. "Carson, you're not a pilot yet. Flying through that storm would have been stupidly, uselessly suicidal."

"Aye." Carson sighed. "But convince Aiden of that. He was on me like a night hag the entire time we were on the ground. There were trees falling around us, Rodney -- great ones as big around as the Jumper. Flying was dangerous, but staying was as well. I didn't know what to do. Major Sheppard, he told us to stay until it was safer. I was relieved, but I wish I'd been braver. I wish I'd been here in time to be of real help."

Rodney had seen the size of some of the trees on the mainland near the Athosian settlement. It would be like a house coming down on one of the Jumpers. "Those trees are immense. You could have been killed." He pulled Carson a little closer, not liking that idea one bit. "Besides, you were here in time to save Elizabeth's life. Sheppard told me what happened when you found him."

"I almost put the Jumper down partway over the landing bay door because of the winds. Nearly got us all killed anyway." Carson's eyes were far away now, his fingers tapping nervously on one knee.

"But you did it," Rodney said. "You landed." He hadn't really thought yesterday about how much danger Carson had been in from the storm itself. He only remembered hoping he'd been safe. Now he realized neither of them had been.

Carson closed his eyes. "It was a near thing."

"So was the tidal wave." Rodney let one hand move slowly down Carson's side. Carson turned to him and they held each other, each lost in his own inadequacies and guilt. "We're both still here."

He felt Carson nod against his shoulder. "That we are."

They were silent together for a while. He let himself feel how warm Carson was in his arms and listen to the rhythm of his breathing. It felt good.

"I don't really want to make you leave," Rodney admitted.

"I know." Carson's stubble was scratchy on his neck and then there was the softness of lips moving on his skin. He closed his eyes and leaned into it with a sigh.

"I just... I thought you'd be safer without me. I fuck everything up."

"No, Rodney." Carson's voice was quiet and deep in his ear. "Nothing here is safe. It's better we're together. At least that way we can take care of each other."

"Better," Rodney agreed. He wanted to hold on for weeks, wanted to never let go. It was stupid, but he didn't care. He'd come too damned close to losing the man yet again.

Carson shifted in his arms and made a soft sound. "You okay?" Rodney asked.

"My head's still throbbing from the clout that Genii woman gave me." He could hear the edge of pain in Carson's voice.

"Well, here." He let go of Carson and urged him to move until his head was resting in Rodney's lap, feet propped on the arm of the couch. "Let me do something for it." He let his hands move through Carson's hair, stroking and massaging gently. It had helped after the fire, when Carson had terrible headaches from his much more serious concussion.

Eventually Carson relaxed, the lines in his face easing. Rodney hadn't realized how tightly he had been wound. He smiled when he heard Carson snore.

***

Carson woke with a cramp in his neck. His nose was pressed into Rodney's thigh. That was a remarkably pleasant discovery despite the pain in his neck. Rodney was snoring manfully away above him. He wondered what time it was.

He rubbed at his aching muscles and noted that his headache was considerably diminished. The last thing he remembered was Rodney's hands in his hair, rubbing gently. They must have been asleep a good while. Rodney had a damp trace of drool at one corner of his mouth. Carson chuckled. He wasn't really awake enough to go back to his room, but staying on the couch like this wasn't likely to be restful for either of them.

"Rodney." There was no response. He considered nuzzling at Rodney's crotch, which was temptingly close, but realized that wouldn't be such a good idea what with Rodney's past. He sat up. "Rodney." He brushed a hand against Rodney's stubbly face.

Rodney startled awake. "Huh? Oh, Carson."

"We really ought to get to bed, luv. I've a cramp in my neck from lying here."

Rodney blinked in the dim light. "Bed. Right." He rubbed his face with both hands and stared blearily at Carson. "Stay."

"I was planning to. Too tired for a walk back home." He yawned. "Almost too tired to get to the bed," he muttered.

Rodney smiled. "I'll make it worth your while." He didn't sound quite so much asleep now.

"Mmm. I like the sound of that." He smiled back and leaned in, kissing Rodney. Rodney's tongue slipped into his mouth and he moaned softly, waking a bit. Other parts of him were waking as well. Rodney's arms closed around him and he let himself fall into the warm sensuality of it.

"Bed," Rodney whispered, lips moving against his. Carson hated the thought of getting up, being warm and happy and still sleepy in Rodney's lap, but the bed was a far better idea than the couch. Rodney's hand found one cheek when he rose, caressing along the curve to his thigh, and Carson smiled.

They tossed their clothes aside and he watched as Rodney got into bed before him. He really did enjoy looking at his lover naked; Rodney was hard and the look in his eyes was pure seduction. A gesture from him and Carson slipped in beside him.

Rodney rolled on top of him, slow and deliberate, kissing him deeply. Carson moaned softly, wrapping his arms around his lover, twining their legs together.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney said, his voice quiet and muffled in Carson's mouth. "Love you. Want you." He sucked Carson's tongue, his mouth hot and devastating.

Their hands moved lazily, exploring each other's bodies. The hard heat of Rodney's cock lay against his own, silk and burning steel pressed against him. It was so good, just letting his hands slip across Rodney's skin. Carson could never get enough of touching his lover like this.

His head still ached, though not as badly as before. If they were careful he'd be able to make love. Rodney's fingers played in the hair on his chest, delicately tracing the roundness of his nipple. Carson let out a soft groan. "So good, mo leannan."

"I want to be inside you," Rodney said, intense.

Carson looked up at him. He'd offered before, but Rodney had always refused, saying he preferred to have Carson in him. He wondered what had changed, but welcomed it. "Mmm. Sounds perfect, love." He'd not have to worry so much about his head, as Rodney could do most of the work.

Rodney grinned and kissed him hard. Carson gave himself up to it, gave himself completely to Rodney, loving how it felt to have fingers moving inside him. It had been a long time since he'd had a man in him, and Rodney's cock was thick and long. He was trembling by the time the head of it pierced him, opening him with a gentleness he hadn't expected.

"Oh, god, Rodney." The slow slide of Rodney's hardness into his body was intense and wonderful, and Rodney looked near ready to come just from that initial thrust. They panted together, moving slow and careful.

"God, Carson, love you..."

Carson moaned and moved with Rodney, wrapping his legs around Rodney's back. It was so sweet. "Yes, more," he begged, his back arching as Rodney moved inside him. "Deeper, love." He felt so full, Rodney's slick cock thrusting into him slow and hard. He'd wanted this for a long time, glad to finally have him like this.

It was wonderful and he closed his eyes as Rodney's hot mouth devoured his throat. Rodney moaned and hummed against him, one big hand stroking his hard shaft as they moved together. "Mine," Rodney whispered, possessive and insistent, "oh, god, Carson, you're mine."

"Aye, yours." His heart sped, pounding so hard he could feel it in his head. Carson's cock throbbed in time as Rodney stroked him, thrusting harder and deeper. "Oh, Rodney." He felt Rodney's balls moving against his cheeks, fine hair soft and tickling. It was deep, exquisite pleasure.

"Need you," Rodney gasped, "god, I almost lost you." He could feel Rodney shudder as he thrust faster, losing control. "Can't lose you, just can't--" Rodney's voice broke and he moaned.

Carson held Rodney tight against him, moving with him in counterpoint. He needed this, needed Rodney. Gasping, he whispered, "I'm here, mo leannan, mo chridhe, oh god fuck me." Rodney's movements intensified, thrusting passionately, and Carson could feel how close they both were. "Love you," he groaned, barely able to speak, and Rodney bucked and shuddered and came in him.

"Carson!" There was so much love in Rodney's voice, so much need.

He shouted as he came, wordless, shooting in Rodney's strong hand. He loved how Rodney felt in him, moving in him. Their movements slowed, deep and intense, and Rodney held him, sweat-slicked and moaning.

"I love you, Carson. I love you so much it fucking hurts." Rodney was panting now, his voice rough with emotion. He kissed Carson with blinding passion, fingers digging into Carson's muscles, and Carson held on with all his strength.

They gasped together, sweating, fighting for breath as they kissed and came down slowly from their lovemaking. Carson ran his fingers through Rodney's damp hair, caressing his lover. "I'm here, love," he whispered. "I need you too."

Rodney lifted his face and looked into Carson's eyes, nose to nose with him. "I never want to lose you," he said, soft and serious. He raised a hand, still wet and sticky with come, to cup Carson's cheek. "This is insane, how you make me feel. I can't believe I can say these things to you."

Carson's hands found Rodney's face, framing it in the dark. He caressed Rodney's cheek with one thumb. "I'll not leave you, mo leannan. You're too close to the heart of me." Pulling Rodney's face to him, he kissed him gently.

Rodney shifted, starting to pull out of him, but Carson stopped him. "Please, love, stay inside me a while. It feels so good. I don't want you to move."

"I'm heavy. I should get off of you." He nuzzled Carson's ear.

"Lie on me," Carson said. "It's good. I want to sleep like this." He relaxed his legs, letting them slip down onto the bed, and Rodney lay there between them.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah, okay." He settled and let his weight rest on Carson again. It felt good to have him there, solid and comforting. He drifted into sleep, Rodney still warm and half-hard inside him.

***

Rodney ran into Siwicki again at lunch that day. She was sitting with Zelenka and Osbourne.

"Hey guys." He set his tray down next to them.

"Rodney," Osbourne said. Zelenka and Siwicki were both distracted, looking off toward one side of the room.

"Hi Geoff." He looked over to see what had their attention. Rodney grinned when he saw it was Carrie Madsen, one of the maintenance workers. He'd spent more than a few minutes ogling her himself, even though she wasn't blonde. She was, in fact, a statuesque brunette with short hair and dark brown eyes and lips he could swear would cause heart attacks if used properly.

"Nice," Rodney said. Siwicki just sighed and nodded. "She's not one of us, is she?"

"More's the pity," Siwicki said.

Rodney shook his head. "I thought you had plenty of people to choose from?"

She snorted. "I haven't been laid since before Antarctica, man. Gods, I miss Goth girls in leather and velvet and lace."

"Mmm. Leather," Geoff muttered.

"You've been listening to Njal Tryggveson, haven't you?" Zelenka asked.

Siwicki looked at Rodney. "That man is such a pain in the ass. I tell him no, and suddenly I'm the whore of Atlantis." She looked back over at Madsen, a gleam of definite interest in her eyes.

"I wondered how that rumor got started," Rodney said.

She shrugged. "He saw that I'm an affectionate person and that I like hugs, and I've never hidden the fact that I'm bi. He assumed it meant I would fuck anything that moved." She gave Rodney a lopsided grin. "Well, there are days when I might, but Njal's not actually sentient, so that's right out. A woman's gotta have standards." Geoff chuckled. She eyed him. "Don't laugh, you're adorable. I'd do you in a hot second if you had the least interest in women."

"I can't blame you," Radek said, grinning. "Geoff is very good."

She gave Zelenka a look that would have started Rodney's blood steaming if she'd turned it on him. "You're pretty damned cute yourself, Radek."

"You want to borrow him?" Geoff asked.

"Oooh. Tempting." Her grin was positively evil.

Rodney was surprised. "You're joking, right?" He couldn't imagine that somebody in a close relationship like theirs would be serious about voluntarily letting a lover be with anyone else.

"No. Radek tells me if he's with anybody. He's careful, and he comes home when he's done." Geoff looked smug. "Besides, I know Erin. I'm not worried she's going to try to make off with him."

Zelenka smiled. "I know where the best man lives."

"Hmmm." Siwicki sidled closer to Radek. "Any interest, my dear?" She smiled sweetly. "Carson turned me down." Zelenka grinned and ran a hand down her back. She nearly purred.

Rodney stared at her, upset. "You propositioned him when you knew he was with me?"

She looked at him, appalled. "Oh, fuck no, Rodney. I don't do that to my friends. I don't do that at all unless everybody knows what's happening and it's okay. This was before you started seeing him. He turned everyone down. Well, everyone but you. Lucky bastard."

Geoff nodded. "Yep. You can say that again." He sighed, getting a far-away look in his eyes. Rodney realized that his earlier suspicions had been correct -- Osbourne *was* interested in Carson. He wasn't sure how to deal with that. Then again, everyone seemed to be interested in Carson.

Rodney actually did feel lucky, when he got right to it. Carson was the best damn thing that had ever happened to him. He found himself feeling more than a little jealous and territorial, though, with Geoff and Erin making comments about his lover.

"How did he get to be so popular?" Rodney asked. "I didn't notice anybody trying to make time with me."

Siwicki put a hand on his uninjured arm. "Let's face it Rodney, you've never exactly been Mr. Approachable, even if you've had your appealing moments."

He was surprised she thought he *had* appealing moments. Rodney had no illusions that he was a nice person most of the time.

"You have been known to be quite unpleasant on a regular basis," Zelenka added. "It does rather discourage attempts at getting to know you."

"People wanted to get to know me?" He sipped at his coffee. Curiosity was getting the better of him now. "Like whom?"

"You weren't so bad when we did," Geoff said. "You're actually a decent man under the ego and the defenses. But I think Carson's been good for you."

Erin squeezed his arm. "You actually can be likeable, you know. If you tried it a little more often, I think people would surprise you. I like you."

"Right." Rodney snorted. "You just want a chance at Carson."

She looked at him. "Insecure much?" Erin leaned back against Zelenka and he put his arms around her waist. She sighed happily and Radek smiled. "Geoff, did you want to try the Orpheus Box tonight?"

Rodney looked at her. "You're going to have him play with it?'

Geoff nodded. "It sounds like fun."

"It sounds like voodoo," Rodney said. Still, he was curious. He'd asked to talk with her about it last night.

She pulled it out of her jacket pocket and set it on the table. "Everything the Ancients do is PFM, Rodney."

"PFM?" Geoff asked.

"Pure Fuckin' Magic," Erin said. "It's what we always said in the Navy when we couldn't explain something."

Rodney shook his head. "Except that we can explain how a lot of Ancient tech works."

"Maybe *you* can. Math makes me dizzy, and not in a good way."

"I could help with that," Zelenka said, a hint of seduction in his voice.

She snorted. "Sorry Radek, even with that kind of help I'm hopeless. I have to count on my fingers to balance my checkbook." Zelenka gave her a horrified look. "It's true. I'm hopeless with numbers over four digits. It's all 'one, two, three, many' for me."

Rodney grinned at her. "That's why I'm God and you're not."

"I thought that was because I was an expert in obscure languages, weird music, and strange plants, and you're an astrophysicist gate travel wormhole expert." She smiled.

He laughed. "Okay, that too. But anyway, about the Box--"

"Think of it as a glorified personality test," she said. "Fun and harmless, and maybe your friends can learn a little something about you too."

"Do I get to try this?" Rodney asked.

"Well, you sort of already have," Erin said. "But if you want to come along this evening, you're welcome. You think maybe Carson would want to give it a try?"

"I'll ask him."

Radek nodded. "That could be fascinating. I wish that I could do this as well, but the gene therapy never took."

"Still only people with the ATA, huh?" Rodney fingered the little device.

"Yep, as far as I can determine. But it doesn't have to be a natural gene, as you know."

"We should get some statistics on it," Geoff said.

Erin shuddered. "More numbers. You boys go for it. I'll play with the happy music thingies."

Rodney picked the Box up. "Happy music thingies. That's what I like about you, Erin; your scientific precision."

"Hey, you're the one who's always on my ass about 'squishy science' McKay." She giggled when Zelenka nibbled her ear.

"Get a room, you two." Geoff poked Radek's shoulder.

"I love it when he's being studly," Erin said, grinning.

"You think *you* do?" Radek said with a wicked grin. "You have no idea what you're missing."

"I would if he liked girls."

Geoff screwed up his face. "Eww."

Rodney watched the byplay, amused. "I like girls." He couldn't believe he was flirting with her, but she seemed to approach it as a social activity rather than a serious attempt to find a sexual partner.

"You like dumb blondes." Erin shook her head. "As if Carter was dumb. Gods, Rodney, I can't believe you said that to her."

He rolled his eyes. "I am so never going to live that down, am I?"

"No," Radek said.

"Not even," Geoff agreed. "Hell, I heard about it in Antarctica within a day of the event."

Erin looked surprised. "Damn, the SGC has one hell of a gossip network."

"Best on the planet," Geoff said. "Espe