Failed Villains Support Group
A Safe House Retreat(TM) fic for Lizzi
Multi-fandom including BtVS, X-Files, Smallville, Hercules\Xena, and maybe Brimstone.
No characters were hurt in the making of this fic. They also don't belong to me, except for Kyp. He's my pretty.
Lizzi (great and wonderful) beta'd this, but I can't remember if I edited it after...
anyway, if it's right, it's all Lizzi and if it's wrong it's all my fault.
"Okay," the pretty redhead in the center of the group consulted the list on
his clipboard, "Mr. The Bloody, maybe we should start with you." Spike
growled at him. "Oh, honey, like that will scare me. You'll have to do
much better than that. Now, want to stand up and tell us all why you're
"But you're going to anyway, aren't you?" Kyp smiled coquettishly. "Don't
make me make you." His eyes narrowed dangerously.
Spike jumped to his feet. "Uh, yes, well then. 'lo. My name is Spike and
I'm a villain."
"Spike..." Kyp warned.
"Alright, keep yer knickers on, I'm a (mumble) villain. There, happy?"
"Not really. Everyone? I don't hear you." Grumbles of 'Hi, Spike,'
'Whatever,' and 'Fuck off,' circulated the room. There was a telltale
giggle. Kyp frowned, but let it pass.
"Right, then, I'm here because I could never give that self-righteous bitch
of a slayer what was coming to her. And, man, did she deserve it. Wham!"
Spike slammed his fist into his palm. "I wanted it so bad. I had this
plan to take her apart piece-by-piece, one bloody bit at a time. That
would have been so sweet." Staring off into space, he licked his lips.
"Tell me more about the blood and carnage," a spiky haired godling called
from across the circle.
"That Slayer was always getting in the way of everything," an older
"You need to introduce yourself before you can talk," Kyp warned.
"You didn't make Strife introduce himself," the other man whined.
"Strife is a punk. You can follow the rules."
Strife giggled. Spike plopped back down in his chair and pulled out a
cigarette, gratefully yielding the floor to his Buffy-hating compatriot.
Wearily, said compatriot climbed to his feet. "Hello, I'm Ethan, and I'm a
not as successful as I'd hoped to be villain."
"Hi, Ethan," Strife chirped, bouncing around in his chair as he started to
get into the spirit of the event. Kyp whapped him over the head with his
clipboard. "Hey, that wasn't nice."
"Who said I was nice?" Kyp turned his attention back to Ethan. "Go ahead,
"That Slayer... She corrupted my Ripper. Even after he became a high and
mighty watcher, he never truly gave up our relationship." He smiled. "We
used to have wonderful debates about the merits of chaos between bouts of
hot, dirty sex."
"Ewww," Spike complained. "Don't want to think about the watcher that
"Sex," Ethan hissed.
Spike covered his ears.
Laughing Ethan continued. "Anyway, then _she_ came along, the almighty
Slayer, Bitchy the Bimbo Slut. You know she would spread her legs for
anything with a... Correction, she would spread her legs for anything.
Anything. It was quite sickening. And she corrupted my Rupert, convinced
him that all chaos is bad, shut me out of his life, and she hit me in the
"This Slayer sounds like she needs professional correction," a bald headed
man commented mildly.
"We've tried that," Spike, who had finally removed his hands from his ears,
commented. "Sent the very best against her and she defeated them. It's
insane. She's like Superman or something, only a girl."
"Superman can be a real problem," the bald headed man agreed.
"That's my story," Ethan growled, and sat down.
"Okay, who's next?" Kyp looked expectantly around the circle. There were
no volunteers. "Lex, you were talking. Why don't you go next?"
With a much put upon sigh, the bald man climbed to his feet. "Hi, my name
is Lex Luthor and I'm here because my father believes I'm a failure."
"You aren't a failure?" Kyp asked.
"Not unless you think that I should be a villain, that being a villain is
my destiny simply because my last name is Luthor. You can think that. You
wouldn't be alone." He piercing gaze traveled around the circle. "Most of
Metropolis, Smallville, Luthor Corps, all of it, they all think it. The
rest are old ladies with Alzheimer's. My father thinks it. He's
constantly telling me, you need to live up to the family name, Lex. You
need to be more like me, Lex. I would love you if you were worth anything,
Lex. Is this getting too personal?"
Several people around the circle nodded. Kyp hissed at them to stop. "Go
on, hun. You're doing great," he encouraged.
"My father hates me because I'll never be what he is. I met this boy,
Clark. Clark Kent." Lex blushed. "Clark has taught me what it is to
really care about people. I could never treat them the way my father does,
"Who is your father?" Ethan asked.
"As in that Satan bloke?" Spike asked. Lex nodded. "Well, you're alright
then. All in favor of making Lex an honorary villain say 'aye.'" 'Aye'
everyone around the circle chorused.
"Thank you anyway. I just want to get back to Clark." Lex sat. "You
know, there's a lot to be said for group therapy. I feel much better and
I'll be able to blackmail you all after this."
"And you say you're not a villain," a brunette with a bad haircut scoffed.
"I guess I'll go next." Heaving himself to his feet, he began, "Hi, I'm
Alex Krycek. I'm a failed villain."
"Hi, Alex," Strife chirped, giggling.
"It's not the doing of evil things that's the problem. I was really
successful at that. Helped forge an international conspiracy to help
extra-terrestrials take over the earth." Everyone applauded. "Thank you."
"Did they have tentacles?" Strife asked.
"Tentacles? No, no tentacles. They were kind of short and gray skinned."
"Any alien worth its salt has got tentacles."
"Okay, moving on. So, the real problem lay in double-crossing my boss. I
mean, the betraying part, which was easy. It was the guy I chose to do the
betraying with that drove me up the fuckin' wall. Every time I went to his
apartment, he beat me up. What kind of welcome is that?" Alex leaned in
conspiratorially. "I think he did it, because secretly he wanted to have
sex with me."
"They always do," Ethan told him.
"And I bet you wanted to have sex with him too." Spike smirked.
"Fuck yeah. Those lips? Fox Mulder was created to suck dick. Someday he
will suck mine. I promise you."
"On that note," Kyp looked around the circle. "Lindsay, you haven't said
anything yet. Why don't you tell us about yourself?"
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, you have to."
Lindsay didn't even bother to stand, preferring to slouch comfortably in
his folding chair, his hands resting on his crotch. "My name is Lindsay.
I'm not going to say that other shit. I used to work for a law firm called
Wolfram and Hart."
"You worked for my father," Lex told him.
"Yes, Wolfram and Hart is the official law firm of Hell. We have an enemy.
You'll know him, Spike. One, Angel, the goody-two-shoes vampire."
"I hate Angel with every breath I breathe. I lived to revenge myself on
him. He cut off my hand, you know. But whatever I did, he always wiggled
his way out of it. It was luck. It must have been, because he's a big,
Spike nodded. "And you want to fuck him."
"As if!" Lindsay sat up, spittin' mad, his breath coming in little pants.
"Wesley, I want my Wesley back. But, oh, no, Mr. Bad Man, you can't have
Wesley. He's a good guy. See, I'm going to be a Neanderthal vampire and
stand right here so you two can't be together. In fact, I'm going to fuck
your lover and you can hear all about it on the morning news. That's what
Angel is, the obstacle between Wesley and I. I will have him back. No one
deserves to cuddle Wesley more than I do."
"He's here now, isn't he?" Ethan asked.
"Yes. We're taking it slow. Angel has hurt us both pretty badly, but
there are plans for a moonlit walk and then curling up by the fire tonight,
so long as no ape-like vampires interrupt us."
"Buffy and Angel aren't allowed here," Kyp assured them. "They're the ones
who have hurt you. We certainly aren't going to allow them in to
traumatize you even more."
"Although traumatizing them a bit might be just the thing." Spike gave a
good stretch. "We about done here? This chair is gonna bloody kill me."
"All right, sure." Kyp stood, trying to keep their attention before his
entire group scrambled off. "Same time next week, people. Try to think
about what you could do to make yourself a better villain. You too, Lex."
"What about me?" Strife whined.
"Well, we had to leave somebody out. We wouldn't be villains if we
"Don't do that, honey. Hey, do you want me to do your hair? Will that
make you feel better? Because I've got to tell you, the whole world is so
over Sid Vicious." Frightened, Strife scrambled away and made a run for
it. "Come back next week! Be on time!" Kyp called after him cheerfully.
Looking at his clipboard, Kyp made a big check mark next to the first item.
"Step one of inter-dimensional domination complete."