Starsky Learns from a Woman's Random Thoughts
24 Aug 1999
"Hutch! Huuuuutch!" Starsky slammed the door behind him and locked it tight. Chuckling like a demon, he ran into the apartment he shared with his lover. "HUUUUUTCH!"
Emerging dripping wet from the bathroom with nothing but an orange towel around his waist, Hutch glared at his partner. "Will you stop yelling my name! The whole neighborhood can hear you! There'll be 30 women leaning on the door in fifteen minutes!"
Starsky shrugged off Hutch's concerns. "Nah, they'll just turn on the tv--" Remembering that Hutch didn't know about the secret cameras over their bed, he shut his mouth with a snap.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Hutch demanded.
Starsky decided to change the subject quickly. "Hutch, you gotta see what I found! You're not gonna believe this! Hee-hee!"
Hutch approached his partner warily. "Why do I always get nervous when you make that sound? What are you up to?"
"Flamingo thinks she's so smart! Thinks she got the last word in our battle of wits! That'll be the day!"
Hutch raised his eyebrows. "Starsk, when Flamingo gets into a battle of wits with you, she's fighting a one-arm man."
"Very funny! Well, I'll show her! Now that I've got the perfect ammunition." He pulled out from inside his battered leather jacket a small notebook.
"You know, you two used to get along so well. In fact, I used to think you got along too well. I hate to admit it, but it bothers me to see your relationship take this turn."
"It'll turn right around now. I'll win the next one and we can be buddies again. And this is the key."
"What is that anyway? Where'd you get it?"
"I stopped in to tell her the drain was okay again, thought I'd, you know, send up a peace flag, but she was in one of those moods she gets in..."
Hutch rolled his eyes, "And you said, 'What's the matter, Flamingo, is it--'"
"'That time again?' I thought I was bein' real sensitive! Showin' that I cared. Man, you can't say nothin' to women anymore. Did she get pissed! She stormed around rantin' and ravin' about how men never think women can have a single honest emotion without lookin' at the calendar, and while she was carrying on and on, I happened to notice Conner -- you know, her big male brainless Doberman -- chewing on this note book. So I took it away from him and--"
"Took it with you?" Hutch's eyes widened. "You stole written material from Flamingo's place? You have lost your mind!"
Starsky sidled up to Hutch and ran a finger around the top of his towel. "I just borrowed it for a little while. You know she's real inventive with sex scenes, and I thought...you and I...well, maybe if we could read ahead...."
"I am not getting involved in this petty larceny. Oh, no! You're on your own. If you're really lucky you can slip it back up there and maybe Conner will chew it up some more and get you off the hook."
"Not before I look inside! There's gotta be some clues in here to help me figure out why she's so damned cranky alla time!" Ignoring Hutch's warning looks, Starsky flipped through the notebook. "Here's something -- A woman's random thoughts...." Starsky snorted. "Isn't that about all they have?"
Hutch sighed. "Mr. Sensitivity, you live with 150 of them day in and day out. They feed you, take care of you, lovingly clothe you--"
"And UNclothe me!"
"And get you some of the best sex any human being has ever had, and you still don't understand a single thing about them."
"So you say. Well, maybe this book will tell me what I need to know. Let's see: 'Number One. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.' Well, we know Flamingo wrote this for sure. 'Number two: Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.'" Starsky laughed. "That's cute. 'Number three: Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.'"
That made Hutch laugh, though he looked guilty doing it.
"'Number four: One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.'" Starsky looked thoughtful. "Why is that Hutch?"
Hutch just shook his head. "Some things man was never meant to know."
"'Number five: My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.' Especially when she has to clean out the drains. 'Number six: The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.' I don't get that, Hutch. I hate wearing tight shoes."
"You're not a woman, Starsk. Don't even try to figure that one out."
"'Number seven: The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.'"
"If she's talking about VenicePlace, truer words were never spoken," Hutch agreed.
"'Number eight: The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.'" Starsky frowned. "Heeeey, she's got this little 's' 'h' written next to that one."
Hutch covered his mouth to hide a smile.
"'Number nine: Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Number ten: Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.' Sounds like a typical day at work for us, Hutch. 'Number eleven: I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.'" Starsky paused and conspicuously stared at his partner's thighs.
"That's. Not. Funny," Hutch said irritably.
"'Number twelve: Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!' Hey, Hutch, isn't that what you said the other--?"
"That's. Not. Funny. Either."
"Sheesh. 'Number thirteen: Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.' Hmmm. Me neither!"
Hutch mumbled grumpily, "Now if we could only figure out where you put it...."
"'Number fourteen: A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.'" Both men had to giggle that time.
"'Number fifteen: They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen you silly pink bitch...do it and die.' Y'know, Hutch, you gotta worry about a person who argues with herself and loses."
"Good point, buddy."
"'Number sixteen: The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.'" Starsky frowned, working that one out in his head.
As he did, Hutch mumbled, "Or they invite him to move into VenicePlace."
"What was that?" Starsky said suspiciously.
Hutch struggled to look innocent. "Nothing, buddy!"
"Number seventeen: I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!' Hey! Mine, too!"
"How nice you two have so much in common!" Hutch said with a smirk.
"'Number eighteen: I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 15 can fit into their stuff.'" Starsky started flipping through the book, looking for more.
"Well, are you satisfied, nosy?" Hutch admonished. "Are those enough secrets to help you win the next argument with Flamingo? You better come up with a pretty good scheme for sneaking that back into her place."
"Wait, there's one more here...'Number nineteen: If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? Even Conner is smarter than that!'"
The two men looked at one another smugly. "Well, at least we don't wear neckties to work!" Hutch consoled his partner.
Starsky didn't look appeased. "Somehow, I don't think these mottoes are gonna help me much. And there's something else scrawled here..." Starsky squinted at some tiny print at the bottom of the page. "'Next story idea: something radically different. Hutch has suffered impotency in 2 diff. slash stories.'"
"Does she have to talk about that?" Hutch groaned. "Man, I hated that! And it went on forever!"
Starsky's voice broke on the next sentence. "'It's only fair that Starsky have a turn. Next story: Starsky becomes impotent 25 years before the invention of Viagra....'" His face went white.
"What?" Hutch yelped and grabbed the book out of his partner's hand. "Now you've done it! Doesn't she know that punishes both of us? And I'm innocent!" Frantically, he searched the tiny scrawl. "'...Viagra...or at least until...' can barely make this out, '...until S. finally learns how to properly clean out a bathtub drain....'"