Starsky & Flamingo Have a Fight
13 Aug 1999
It was a rare event when Flamingo didn't get along with her favorite tenant, Starsky, but no relationship is perfect. On this day, Starsky was a bit annoyed with her since he'd had to call her twice about the slow bathtub drain he and Hutch had been dealing with. When she finally arrived with her pink flamingo plunger and a bottle of Drano, she was harried and late. Her two mini-dogs following her pink flamingo slippers faithfully. But Starsky was in quite a cranky mood.
"It's about time you got here!" Starsky complained. "Considering the rent we place for this dump the least we could get is some decent service! Do you have any idea how nasty it is to take a shower with dirty soapy water collecting around your ankles."
Flamingo was clearly in no mood to humor her tenant. "Starsky, you don't pay rent. You live here at Hutch's largesse!"
"Let's leave the size of Hutch's privates outta this!"
Flamingo sighed wearily and marched into the bathroom. "If the two of you weren't playing water sports in the bathroom every day you wouldn't have this problem. My other renters don't."
"Don't give me that! Women spend forever in the bathroom and everybody knows it. Hutch and I are in and out in five minutes..."
Flamingo raised an eyebrow. "Let's leave your sexual stamina out of this, shall we?"
Starsky glowered. "Okay. Okay. You're right. Me and Hutch, we should just be more like the rest'a you here in VenicePlace. We should be more like you ladies when it comes to our bathroom habits. You wanna know what that would involve? Lemme tell ya!"
Before she could interrupt, Starsky started ticking off points on his fingers.
"Lemme tell you How To Take A Shower Like a Woman. 1. Take off your clothes and place them in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
"2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom." He demonstrated by doing an exaggerated mincing run to the door of the bathroom. The mini-dogs thought this was an invitation to play and ran barking around his feet. He ignored them. "3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat."
It was Flamingo's turn to glower. But that only made Starsky grin.
"Tell me I'm lyin', go on! 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes."
Flamingo grinned nastily and pulled a bottle of the previously named product off the bathroom shelf. "You mean this stuff?"
Starsky snatched it away from her. "Hey, don't mess with Hutch's hair stuff. You know how sensitive he is about his bald spot. Where was I? Oh, yeah, 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead." He narrowed his eyes and grinned back at her. "12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. Is that what you think me and Hutch should start doing? Shower just like a woman? Huh?"
Well, Flamingo was pissed now. She stabbed a finger into his breast bone. "Playing on the internet again, Starsky? Considering how many women you two have slept with over the years you'd think you wouldn't fall for all that stereotypical crap. You think that's what women do when they shower? Okay. Equal time. Let me tell you How To Shower Like A Man. Pay attention. You might need this information! 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor." She peered around him at the growing mound of indistinguishable blue jeans beside Hutch's brass bed. "The only reason there's no underwear over there is because you don't wear any! 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife/lover along the way, flash her making the 'woo' sound."
Starsky got defensive. "Hey. Hutch thinks I'm cute when I do that."
Flamingo could only roll her eyes. "3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no)."
"I most certainly do--"
Flamingo cut him off. "Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower."
Flamingo laughed. "Give it up, Starsky, we can hear you all over the building. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar."
He pouted. "I can't help it if I've got more body hair than blondie does. Y'know, guys can be sensitive about that stuff, too!"
Flamingo snorted. "11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower)."
Starsky started paying a lot of attention to the mini-dogs. They licked him frantically.
Flamingo did not relent. "15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size."
"If you've got it, babe, flaunt it!" Starsky said boldly.
Flamingo continued without a pause. "18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom and fan light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife/lover, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her/him. I bet that really float's Hutchinson's boat, doesn't it?"
Starsky stuck his tongue out.
"21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. One and a half if you're not wearing underwear."
Before Starsky could fire back a response, Hutch showed up and stared at the two combatants. "Glad to see you here, Flamingo. Have you fixed the drain yet?" He noticed Starsky holding on to the bottle of shampoo and took it from him. "Don't play with that. You know I need it."
"I'll have it cleaned out in a minute," Flamingo promised, moving finally to her task.
"Yeah, well," Starsky sputtered, not ready to give up the battle, "why don't you just admit the only reason we've got trouble with the drain is because every single woman in this building has their long hair going down the drain clogging it up?"
"Come on, Starsky, you know that's not the problem," Hutch interjected. He looked at Flamingo apologetically. "It was his turn to clean the tub last week. You know how he's forever putting these things off. Normally, we treat the drains ourselves." He looked meaningfully at Starsky. "Especially since a week's worth of Starsky shedding some of that mop, his wealth of body hair, and the whisker clippings from his beard clogs it up regularly. I keep telling him shaving in the shower is just adding insult to injury, but will he listen to me? No. So, since he didn't clean the drains when it was his turn, we've got to do something more drastic. Tell him to be more conscientious, will you, Flamingo. Either that, or to get electrolysis!" Hutch grinned at his lover and patted his cheek. "You know how it grosses me out when you leave butt hairs on the soap."
As Hutch walked away from the two, Flamingo just grinned at her favorite renter and, waggling her pelvis, said softly so only Starsky could hear, "Woo-woo!"