Caveat Rabbit
"Boromir!"
"You don't need to scare the birds, Aragorn. I'm right here. What is it?"
"What is this?"
Boromir blushed. "It's a bunny."
"Your bunny?"
"Er...no. Got it from Eomer, right. Eomer. You know, nephew of the king of
Rohan? Big horse? Floppy pony-tail?"
"Never met him. So it's his bunny? Then what's it doing here?"
"Spying?"
Aragorn threw his hands up in exasperation (coincidentally sending Mr. Bunny
flying gracefully into the air, where he performed a perfect triple
somersault, eliciting high marks from all but the French judge). "Spying? On
what?"
"Um...us."
"WHAT?!"
Boromir was almost as pink as the bunny. "Well, you know rumors?"
"You mean how infernal gossip is spread? Yes."
"It's almost like that. But not quite."
"Boromir..."
"What would you say if I told you that in an alternate universe, a few Ages
down the line, sex-deprived women were writing all about our escapades?"
"Frankly, dear, that you're insane."
"Quite possible. But these sex-deprived women don't just limit themselves to
writing about our legitimate escapades, oh no. They have to go and write
about our sex life. As if they can't just get ones of their own."
Aragorn wondered which of the hobbits had slipped his lover pipeweed.
Everyone knew Boromir had no tolerance for it. "And so the pink rabbit?"
"Hey, if they're going to write it, they might as well write what really
happened, not some made up version. If I let them, they'd have us speaking
in some odd archaic fashion, going around challenging people to duels for
not giving us proper respect when crossing borders."
"It was only once!" Aragorn wondered how Boromir had found out about that.
Legolas had been sworn to secrecy and no self-respecting elf would spill
secrets to a Gondorian.
"That's why the bunny is here. So the writers don't write about embarrassing
things like that."
"Instead they simply write about how I like to undress you and ride you like
a horse?"
"Yep. They like it; they think it's erotic."
"Erotic? It's nothing but perverted. I only do it to humiliate you." Aragorn
bit his tongue, too late.
Boromir burst into tears and ran to grab the rabbit from the bush in which
it was stuck. "He doesn't mean that, bunny-wunny! He really loves us, he
does! He's just trying to push us away, but we won't lets him! No no,
precious, we won't!"
"Umm...Boromir..."
"Oh, leave us alone, You-Of-Many-Names! You spurns our love!"
"Oh, Boromir, it's not that I don't love you—"
"It's that you wants to humiliate us for every time Father did you in?"
Aragorn knelt down and tried to pry the rabbit away from Boromir. Boromir
held tight, tears streaming down his face. If Aragorn hadn't know better, he
could have sworn he was still in Minas Tirith, having been convinced into
babysitting the young brat. There had been a reason he had taken his leave
of Ecthelion when he had. "Honey, it's not like that." 'Honey'? Aragorn
wondered how gullible these writers were. Could they actually believe that
big manly men spoke that way? Well, some people would believe anything. But
damned if it wasn't true. "I love only you. And if I'm a bit of a sadist at
times, it's only because I've spent most of my life wandering along in the
wilderness."
"And Arwen?"
"She's just a plot device so we can have some angst issues. Don't worry
about her. She's plenty happy with the twins to keep her company. They can
be quite imaginative."
Boromir sniffed and surrendered the stuffed toy reluctantly. "Are you
sure, 'gorn?"
"Positive, my love." Suddenly forty years seemed a huge age gap. Strange,
but wasn't Boromir the same age as Denethor had been when Aragorn had known
him? "So why don't we put the bunny away, preferably somewhere where it can
have a nice good view, and then go at it?"
Boromir wiped his nose on his chainmail and let Aragorn help him to his
feet. Boromir clung to his lover tightly, as if finally finding a
replacement for the rabbit. "How do I know this isn't just a plot to
humiliate me?"
"Because I love you."
"Good reason." Boromir decided and then leaned backwards far enough so that
he could stare his king in the eye. "So why were you in my pack in the first
place, 'gorny?"
Aragorn reddened. "If you must know, I was looking for your pink trousers."
Boromir gaped and then doubled over in laughter. "By the Valar, those
neurotic women will never believe this one!"
-Finis-
somehow I get the feeling I should apologize for that. :p
Hope you enjoyed!
~Lanna
by Lanna Michaels
ragorn liked to consider himself a fairly open-minded individual. After
all, it wasn't he that hadn't had dealing with dwarves since the dark times
(unlike some elves he could mention), and he knew the width and breath of
middle-earth. But that didn't prepare him for what he found in Boromir's
pack. A bunny. A large *pink* bunny. With ruffles.
