Hell Hath No
Fury Like An Elf Scorned
by Jim Morrison
It had been the famous day of the famous council and Legolas Greenleaf was,
for a lack of a better term, royally fucken ticked off. Not at the world, since
he held no grudge against the actual populace of Middle Earth, mammal or
otherwise. Nor was he pissed off at the P.O.S. rug that he had skidded on as he
walked around Rivendell, which had niftily done a good job of throwing his pale,
blonde ass into a wall and given him a mild concussion.
The only person he was actually pissed at was Estel, Aragorn, Strider,
Dunedain, Thorongil, whatever the fuck he was calling himself this week.
Although Legolas could respect people having one, maybe two names, he often got
irritated with said human for having at least fifty names in his bloody
collection. That was just sheer bloody overkill in his opinion.
Actually, even though he would have never said this out loud (Well, maybe
when he was drunk. And only to Haldir perhaps. Or Glorfindel) to anyone else, he
privately thought that Aragorn had multiple-personalities and that was the
reason why he had so many freaking names at his disposal. Although he would
never say it, he often thought that it would explain many of the said person's
quirks, one of them was the lack of washing and the other was a fondness for
Manchester United and David Beckham, which he was fairly sure alarmed many of
the elves and not just him, since they all preferred West Ham themselves and
were fairly worried over this lunacy.
Well, he was pissed off at Aragorn. Big time. And it wasn't just because of
his alarming lack of regard to hygiene or taste in teams. It really hadn't been
his intention to spill the knowledge of Aragorn's parentage to the slightly
scruffy, if somewhat cleaner upstart human. But the said human, who had been
introduced as Boromir, the son of the replacement for the divine right of kings
in Gondor; was really pissing him off with his attitude.
Even though he personally agreed with the man's questioning of the divine
rights of kings, which, in his opinion, was like playing a round of Russian
roulette with a bloody Uzi. IF one stepped back and thought about it logically,
it really was no way to rule a bleeding country.
It was a fairly well-known fact that if you got a good king, the one that
followed him would usually turn out to be some mad idiot that could very
possibly flush the entire dynasty down the freaking toilet. Look at Charles I as
a prime example.
It was, to put it mildly, as feasable as Arthur being given Excalibur and
told to have a go at governing the bloody place. To quote the peasant from Monty
Python, "A watery tart throwing daggers at people is no sound basis for
establishing a government."
Anyways, he took offence at his ranger being insulted at the council and
told the Gondorian where to stuff it. Politely, of course. But was the little
bastard thank-ful? Oh nooo. He actually had the nerve to get all huffy at him
and whine about how that was classified information and all that crap.
When Legolas tried to explain that it had all been the fault of the mild
concussion he had received from the little rugs that sadistic bastard Elrond
kept all over the place, the little Ranger got all huffy and ran to Arwen, no
doubt to be consoled and told he was still good enough to be better than his
ancestor and all that crap, blah, blah, blah.
So after this snub, Legolas did the only sensible thing that an elf in his
position could do. He went to the forest to hunt large prey and vent his anger
on, since he couldn't really vent it on the damned heir of Ilsidur. Divine right
of kings and all that crap.
He spent several hours outside, managing to squash a wombat, strangle a
wolverine, and kick the complete shit out of several bears in that short span of
time and getting the forest rangers and the SPCA on his trail.
After dodging them easily, due to his superior elven skills, he then went to
the kitchen and pilfered several bottles of Cherry Coke. He had a soft spot for
them, since the only place that they could be bought was in Rivendell and his
cousins were too cheap to send him a case out in mirkwood once in awhile. So he
decided to take the opportunity and stock up on them while he was at Rivendell.
Ten minutes later he decided that drinking two bottles of pop at once wasn't
really a good idea after all. Especially not when he had forgotten exactly where
the freaking bathroom was located.
So there he was running around frantically, trying to locate the bathroom
when he ran into a bawling and cursing Arwen. Literally. Which got him his
second concussion of the day, and nearly made him piss himself right there and
then.
But luckily, after several minutes of disentangling themselves, Legolas
taking a piss behind one of the statues of Elrond's crazy great-uncles (Uncle
Viggo the Weirdo, in case you wanna know) and Arwen making sure no one saw their
little unintended bit of slapstick (and thus keeping their reputation for
grace).
Finally getting all of that settled, Legolas sat Arwen down and began to
extract the reason for her running around and making such a spectacle of herself
in broad daylight.
"That dirty, sleazy, perverted, Manchester united-loving son of a freaking
two-bit whore was bloody cheating on me!" She wailed, burying her head into his
shirt and getting tears and snot all over it as she did so.
"Huh?" Was the only intelligent thing that Legolas could come up with, since
his ears were still smarting over the language that had poured out of Arwen's
mouth.
"He was cheating on me!" She wailed again.
"With who? My cousin? Your cousin? Your brothers' girls?" Arwen shook her
head and Legolas breathed a sigh of relief.
"Worse! It was Boromir!"
Legolas swallowed. Yep. It was worse.
He would have laughed if he hadn't been so bloody shocked. It was funny. In a
sick and twisted, end of the world way. It was damned funny. Considering that
Aragorn had spent a whole lot of time out in the forest waiting for Arwen and
would probably end up taking a hell of while longer in getting into her
knickers, it was funny.
Legolas and Arwen look at the author Get bloody on with it! We, the
other people here and the audience have established that already! Get on with
it!
So anyways, Legolas spent about half an hour getting lurid descriptions of
what exactly Arwen had encountered when she had walked into the library and
found Boromir and Aragorn doing things with a each other, chains, string, Olive
oil and a couple of the shards of Narsil that made him want to wince and cry out
"AAAUGH! My virgin ears!" But sheer politeness made him sit still and comfort
the Elven princess while occasionally giving her a kleenex.
"Gee, I'm really sorry." He managed to get out after Arwen had sworn a couple
of blistering curses that made him wonder what kind of education she had gotten
when she was younger.
Arwen smiled a terribly vicious smile at the statement, making Legolas very
glad that he hadn't ever done anything to get on her shit list.
"Not as sorry as those two bastards are going to be!" She replied ominously,
making Legolas gulp. Even though he was really pissed at Aragorn and had a score
to settle, he was feeling, very, very sorry for him and Boromir. Hell Hath no
fury like an Elf scorned. Nope. Uh uh. Hell no.
"Well, gee, look at the time. Um, the Fellowship football game's about to
start and if I don't get there on time I'm going to end up on the team with the
hobbits and the dwarf. So see you." Legolas decided to make his exit at that
moment lest he got ensnared into any plans Arwen was making.
"Legolas." Arwen purred sweetly, making him freeze in his tracks with his
heart in his mouth. He knew that tone. It was the elfish she-demon voice hat
signalled the upcoming doom of anyone dumb enough to piss a female elf. Oh yes,
he decided. Aragorn was dead.
"Uh yeah?" He squeaked, not really caring if he sounded like a 1,400 year old
elf. He was scared, dammit! Really scared!
"I know that you have a bone to pick with the little grease-ball as well, so
I want to make a proposition of sorts to you." Arwen whispered in a honeyed tone
that told Legolas he should have left, um... about half an hour before.
"Yeah?" He asked, sort of inching away from her slightly.
"I want revenge on Aragorn. And I want it bad."
"What are you planning?" He asked, glad that he had at least managed to keep
his voice steady in the face of naked evil in front of him.
Arwen got an evil smile on her face that made the hair on the back of the
blond elf's neck to stand straight up.
"Daddy has some stuff in his chamber and I want for you to..." Arwen confided
her plan to him and Legolas could only nod dumbly and agree with all she said
since he would be a real idiot to back out now. All the exits were closed and he
had to hold on and take the ride.
Later that evening...
Legolas knocked on the door of Aragorn's chamber and wished for the
thousandth time that he had memorized the floor map of Rivendell. If only he
hadn't drank so much pop...
His lamentations were broken by the sounds of someone shifting around in a
bed and bed-clothes being pulled up to cover something. (He's got elven hearing,
okay?)
"Yes?" Aragorn called, sounding slightly out of breath as he did so
"It's Legolas" He would have laughed at the frantic mutterings and shiftings
he heard coming through the door before the door opened a crack to reveal a
fairly clean, if somewhat sweaty Aragorn that was wrapped up in a bed-sheet to
hide his nakedness.
"What can I do for you?" Legolas fights the urge to smirk at the sentence and
instead presents him with a bottle of very expensive Beaujolais.
"Look, Aragorn, I just wanted to apologize for what happened at the council
earlier, so I thought I would just swing by and give you this and proclaim it's
all in the past and let bygones be bygones, deal?"
Aragorn looked at Legolas suspiciously. The elf was talking really fast and
seemed to be looking around nervously. Normally, he would have gotten to the
bottom of the problem, but his libido was set on high and this was the last
night that he would have to "get his" If you know what I mean.
So he grabbed the bottle, gave Legolas some mumbled response before shutting
the door and jumping back into bed.
Shrugging, Legolas ran off as fast as he possibly could in search of a tree
that he could possibly crouch into and hide from Arwen and her schemes. He had
done his part, he wanted no more of it.
Meanwhile, in the chamber...
"Who was that?" Boromir asked, peering over the edge of the bedclothes at
Aragorn, who jumped into bed and showed Boromir the bottle of Beaujolais.
"Whoah! Beaujolais!" He exclaimed, grabbing the bottle and reading the label
on it."Jeez! Do you know how expensive this stuff is?" He asked his lover, who
only nodded indulgently before taking the bottle back and taking a good swig of
the stuff.
"It's good!" He exclaimed before he handed the bottle back to Boromir, who
also took a drink.
"Whoah!' Was all Boromir could say as he clumsily handed the bottle back to
his lover. The stories he had heard about that stuff were true, he discovered to
his fuzzy delight. That stuff had a kick and then some.
Aragorn smiled and leaned over to lick the drops of wine from Boromir's lips.
The innocent action turned into a full-blown his when Aragorn's libido suddenly
went through the fucken roof.
Boromir only groaned and opened his mouth wider to let the ranger have easier
access. He didn't know what was happening, only that his brain had gone south
and he needed to have Aragorn ride him like there was no freaking tomorrow...
In another part of the house...
Elrond frowned at the bottles in the cabinet. He was positive that he hadn't
left the bottles in that particular order. He really should talk to Arwen about
sneaking into his study and disturbing his potions.
"The neutering potion doesn't go there..." He muttered before replacing it
in its proper place.
His frown deepened when he noticed that one bottle was missing. One bottle he
had a good reason to not want his daughter to get her hands on while she was
seeing the scruffy ranger.
"Oh Hell." He whispered, paling visibly.
In yet another part of the house...
Arwen cackled evilly as she ran into her chamber. Slamming the door shut, she
flopped on her bed and pulled the little bottle out of her pocket.
Oh, Aragorn was going to regret ever cheating on her. Oh he certainly would.
She had made sure of it.
Giggling to herself, she then pulled the bottle out of her pocket and looked
at it. Her smile faded though, when she read the label.
She shook her head. It couldn't be. She read the label again. Yep, it was
right.
She sat on her bed, thoroughly stunned.
"Arwen? Arwen, open up." Her eyes widened in horror when she heard her dad's
voice. She was in trouble now.
We now go on to the Fellowship...
"What the hell's wrong with him?" Merry asked no one in particular as they
sat around the morning fire and were treated to yet another performance of
Boromir retching his guts out. Performances that were becoming more or less the
norm the farther they got away from Rivendell.
"Food poisoning?" Pippin suggested. The others shrugged.
"For two months now?" Gimli asked. Legolas gulped and pretended he really
needed to polish his bow more carefully.
Aragorn frowned. Gimli was right. Boromir possibly couldn't have food
poisoning for that long. Exchanging a look with a thoughtful Gandalf, he stood
up.
"I'll check on him." He said, completely missing the knowing looks on the
rest of the Fellowship.
"He's got it bad." Pippin noted, his voice low enough so that Aragorn
wouldn't hear him.
The others nodded, with the exception of Legolas, who wanted to be far, far,
far away and Gandalf, who was giving Legolas a long, contemplative look.
"I gotta go for a walk." Legolas abruptly announced before stalking off in
the forest.
Gandalf said nothing. The others shrugged. After several minutes, Gandalf
stood up and headed in the same direction as the elf.
"Weird." Sam muttered. The others just shrugged. What could one expect from
other races?
The elf hadn't gotten too far when Gandalf came and poked him in the back,
making him yelp and trip over his own feet.
"Out with it, Legolas." Gandalf said, his eyes glowing a scary bright green
that made Arwen look nice and sweet. `What do you know of this?"
Legolas was about to open his mouth and deny it all when Gandalf's eyes
glowed purple.
Seeing this made whatever valour Legolas had to run yipping to the hills and
in five minutes, he was singing like canary and Gandalf rolling around on the
forest floor laughing his bloody head off.
Ten minutes later...
Boromir sat huddled in his cloak, his face showing exactly how miserable he
was actually feeling. Aragorn was eyeing him sort of oddly, since he hadn't
gotten over the wild mood-swings that Boromir had experienced ever since they
got back to the camp.
In the span of ten minutes, Boromir had laughed, cried and called him and
unfeeling bastard, making the others give each other weird looks and move a
little further away from them, since Lunacy could be catching.
Gandalf was snickering to himself, making the hobbits and Gimli wonder if he
had already gone senile and Legolas had the look of an elf who has seen the face
of evil squared and lived to tell the tale. And was grateful for surviving.
"We have good news." Gandalf announced, getting everyone's attention. Once he
had it, he turned to the fairly pale Boromir and spoke.
"With the help of Legolas, we have discovered what exactly is wrong with you,
Boromir."
Boromir perked up slightly, but he still looked like death warmed over.
"Is it food-poisoning?" Merry asked worriedly, casting sideways glance at
Sam, who glared at him.
"Nope. And it's not the flu either." Gandalf explained, trying is best to
look serious.
"I'm not dying, am I?" Boromir asked, beginning to look nervous.
Gandalf shook his head. "Nothing of the sort, actually."
"Well, then what is it?"Aragorn asked impatiently.
Gandalf turned and looked Boromir right in the eye.
"You're pregnant."
Boromir stood up, laughed in a slightly unhinged way that suggested he had
somehow lost touch with reality and looked at Aragorn.
"You're dead." He announced quite calmly before pulling out his sword and
going after the heir of the throne.
Aragorn paused for a moment, gave a strangled yelp like a little girl and ran
for the hills while the others laughed hysterically and Boromir chased him while
yelling curses in several languages that had yet to be created.
And now, we return to your regularly scheduled program. Stay tuned for the
next part. Which may or may not come.
Part De Deux
"Aragorn, come down! Come on, Aragorn!" Legolas yelled up into the dense foliage of the tree where Aragorn, their oh-so-manly ranger, heir of Isildur had been hiding for the last two hours after Boromir had decided to either relieve him of his head or his dick after he had gotten over the shock of being told he was going to be a mommy in seven month's time.
That shock had quickly turned to an anger that made Arwen in all her fury look as innocent as a Girl Scout. The look on Boromir's face would have been enough to kill a marauding troop of Orcs in their tracks. Hell, even Sauron would have been running for the hills if he knew what was good for him. Especially if said man was hell-bent on either making him a corpse or making him eligible to join the ranks of the Castrati. Or hell, even mutilating him within an inch of his life.
Either one would suit the man of Gondor perfectly fine. So the rest of the fellowship had been treated to the sight of Boromir chasing Aragorn all around the forest as he tried to accomplish his goal.
They would have jumped in to help the ranger. They really would have. But the idea of being on the shit list of a hormonal Boromir made them reconsider this notion. Especially when Gandalf had attempted to stop him and had gotten the Glare of death (TM to Gundam Wing) that had literally frozen him to his very marrow.
Seeing the wizard go a couple of shades paler made the rest of the fellowship decide that discretion was the better part of valour and had left them to their sport.
And so they had whiled away the better part of an afternoon watching the drama unfold in front of them and hiding their sniggers in their handkerchiefs lest they concur the wrath of horomonal man.
"Trust me, you said!" Boromir had screamed, swinging his sword at Aragorn's head and nicking his ear, making the heir of Isildur scream like a strangled cat as he ran like the wind with an irate and glowing-eyed Gondorian right on his heels.
"Nothing's gonna happen, he said! Trust me, we don't have to use protection, he said! You bastard! I knew I should have listened when my dad warned me about rangers! You asshole! How could you?! Now I'm going to have a bastard's bastard and my dad's going to throw me out for being bad example to my brother! I HAAATEEEE YOU!" And so on, but the theme was pretty much the same as that one.
The yelling had stopped after an hour, but the chasing had continued for another hour until Boromir had managed to get Aragorn up the tree and have yet another mood-swing, which left him crying.
"You ill-conceived, thought-less wretch, greasy, son of Satan!" Boromir had shrieked up into the tree at such a pitch that Legolas swore had killed several of the pigeons he and hobbits found at the edge of the campsite later that night.
After he had shrieked that, he then ponced off to a log by the campsite and proceeded to cry, wail and carry-on in such a matter that alarmed the rest of the fellowship and made them realize that they needed to take prompt action to solve this problem, never mind the origins of it.
Destroying a nasty, evil ring of power was a heavy enough responsibility. Dealing with Aragorn the unneutered and Boromir the Hormonal was a different matter all together, and in the minds of Gandalf and the others, a scarier and even more dangerous undertaking than destroying an evil ring of power. Yep. Scarier than facing a dragon with a toothpick. Or facing Elrond after drinking his Mountain Dew. Or even facing Galadriel and Arwen when they are having that time of the month or even...
Cast looks up at the author GET ON WITH IT! WE GET THE POINT ALREADY!
Yeah. Well, it was scary. Cast rolls their eyes And they needed to get it fixed and fast since it wouldn't do for Boromir to go into labour while a battle was going on or for said person to decapitate or castrate the future king of Gondor.
So a council was held and Pippin was forcefully volunteered as the one that would lure Boromir away from the campsite while Legolas got Aragorn out of the tree he had been crouching in like a rabid Koala with a nasty hangover while the rest of the band put their minds together to come up with a game plan of sorts.
And so Pippin had led Boromir away to look for strawberries, since he had developed an intense craving for them in the past little while and had now shifted moods, so he was happy and complaisant as he followed the nervous hobbit around into the woods.
So that had left Legolas, Sam, Frodo, Gimli and Gandalf to cobble something up. After Aragorn was taken out of the tree.
Even though Legolas had wanted to use a stick and poke the recalcitrant ranger until he fell out of the tree, Frodo had put his foot down and made Legolas yell at Aragorn to get down on his own. He felt that this would be more humane since he felt that the ranger had suffered enough for one day. Legolas had agreed, even though it would a be a more difficult method and had proceeded to do just that.
"Is he still there?" A not very manly voice called down. No, make that a very girly voice. The kind that fourteen-year-old boys have when they are trying to be really manly, but the effect is spoiled by the lack of testosterone in their bloodstream.
"No! Pippin took him berry hunting." Was the somewhat muffled reply from the ground. "I swear it's safe!"
There was loud shuffling noise as the leaves on the tree rustled before Aragorn's head popped out of the foliage. After casting suspicious glances around the area to make sure that HE (cue ominous music here) was truly gone, his head disappeared back into the foliage.
Less than two minutes later, Aragorn emerged from the foliage. And promptly landed on his head at the feet of Legolas.
He later claimed that a squirrel leapt into his hair and bit his ear at that inopportune moment, but the rest of the fellowship chalked it up as an excuse cooked up for him to save face. But they felt somewhat sorry for the poor wretch and let him believe that his ruse had worked.
So after he had gotten some tylenol and a cherry coke from Legolas' hoard, the meeting began.
"You know, I should feel sorry for you. But you had it coming man." Sam was the first one that spoke up. And got the stinging glare of DOOM (TM) from a still wincing Aragorn.
"Don't look at him like that!" Frodo yelled at the scruffy ranger. "He's only calling the shots as he sees them! It's not his fault that you need a lock on your breeches!"
"It was only one night! I couldn't resist! He looked so manly at the council!" Aragorn cried as he made an effort to defend himself, but ended up digging himself deeper into his grave.
At this comment, Legolas and the others looked blankly at each other. Sure, the other human was good looking. But he wasn't someone to go nuts over. Although Legolas found his social anarchist views refreshing and thought inspiring for someone who had "No Logo" and a poster of Che Guevara in his room, he really didn't think that would be enough to warrant a night in the sack with him.
So nope, he really couldn't figure out the reason why the ranger would sleep with someone that was young enough to be his son. Maybe the frustration of Arwen putting out to anyone but him finally made him snap and sleep with the first person he cast that smouldering gaze on.
That would explain the jail-bait temptation of Boromir then. Or maybe it was one of his bloody personalities coming out into the forefront again. Maybe it was Thorongil this time. After all, he had been around when Boromir was young...
Legolas shook his head at this thought. "Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts! Don't think about sexual preferences! Think happy thoughts!"
"And what about the Lady Arwen?" Merry asked angrily. "Did you think of her when you were embarking on this liaison?"
Aragorn raised an eyebrow. "No. Not really." He admitted sheepishly. "You don't understand. He was just so manly at the council! The axe of love felled me there and finished me off when he was examining the shards of Narsil in the library..."
Here the narrative trailed off as Aragorn got a goofily dreamy look on his face as he recalled that magical afternoon poor Legolas had gotten a very vivid description of that still made him shudder every time he looked at either men. Or string. Or chains. Or swords.
When he realized how many of these house-hold objects made him cringe, he made a mental note to see a shrink once they got back from the ques. Wouldn't do for him to be running and screaming like a git every time he looked at those items.
"You're such a wanker, you know that?" Merry growled, his eyes narrowing as he spoke.
"Actually, if he was one, he wouldn't have gotten Boromir knocked up!" Gimli snickered, making the others look at him strangely and move away from him as possible.
"Yeah." Sam said. "How the hell did you manage that? I mean, I don't know much about you big people, but aren't the males of any species the ones that do the `knocking up' rather than getting knocked up?"
"Hey, he's the heir of Isildur. He could probably manage it if no other man could." Frodo replied.
At this particular comment, Gandalf, who had been looking decidedly more and more amused at everything that had been going on, had suddenly decided to fall onto the floor and laugh like he had suddenly found the secret of the universe.
The others looked at each other as if the person next to them would have the answer for this disturbing behaviour. They had all that they could handle right now. A Loony wizard would be just a bit too much at this time.
"Allright. Merry, did you forget to give him his rabies medicine again?" Frodo asked the younger hobbit, who shook his head.
"Nu-uh. Gave it to him at lunch I did." Merry replied quickly. "I'm not Pippin, you know."
Everyone nodded at that remark, since it was true. Even though they liked the younger hobbit, the poor kid was so out of it that most of the time, he couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.
"I'm not rabid you demented eejits!" Gandalf roared, getting to his feet in such a flash that his robes flew every which way, giving the fellowship a grand view of the skanky grey gonch he was wearing and sending Merry into a crying fit and Gimli into a seizure while Frodo and Sam ran in circles screaming"I HAVE SEEN THE APOCALYPSE! OH GOD! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" Aragorn snorted coke into his nose and Legolas seemed as if he was turned to stone.
"What's going on?" The sound of Boromir's voice made the entire mad tableau dissipate as the others nimbly jumped away from him and began looking for cover. Even though the man looked terribly content at the moment, no one was sure when he would explode. And they certainly didn't want to be there when it happened, since it would be as foolish as playing soccer with a grenade.
"N-nothing." Legolas replied, suddenly melting back into an elf. Boromir's eyes narrowed in suspicion at the girly squeak of Legolas' voice as he said that.
"Are you guys trying to ditch me somewhere because I'm pregnant?"
The woods suddenly became so silent at that statement that later, Legolas could have sworn he could hear the clouds rushing past.
"No." Frodo spoke up quickly. But the silence had drawn out too long for his save to work
Boromir didn't say anything, but the glowing blue eyes were a dead giveaway that someone, no make that a whole lot of someones where going to die a slow, painful death.
But instead of anyone being pulverized by the glare, which suddenly disappeared, Boromir burst into tears, making the fellowship fall into various disarrayed poses as they all sported sweat-drops.
"You all hate me!" He cried before running off into the woods. Not before running over poor Pippin and leaving him twitching like a lighting-struck cat. Or Kenshin when he gets hit on the head. (You know the look, all sprawled out and swirly eyed, while moaning "Orooo.")
Merry went to help Pippin up and the others began making furious plans, some of them which included running away as soon as possible, disguising themselves as a travelling brothel, giving Gandalf the ring, opening up a worm hole into the View Askew universe (an idea Gimli liked very much, since he was a huge fan of Jay and Silent Bob), Or the Gundam Wing universe (Mobile suit warfare sounded less dangerous than their current situation).
Finally, after not really coming up with anything good, they grimly decided to continue on with Boromir. After all, they could probably finish the quest off in several months. Of course, he may be a little slower at the end of it all, but something could be worked out. They would just cross that bridge when they came to it, since after all, they had plenty of time before he showed.
Besides, they were the good guys. They couldn't lose. They could do it under several months. Hell, the place where they were at right now, it had only taken them six weeks to get to. Mordor and the destroying of the ring would only take two months, three at the most. Besides, they could probably get Gandalf to drug Boromir if he got too loopy.
Also, they were men. And not just any men, but the men that were charged with saving the world. Even though they had been faint of heart before, they figured that they could easily defeat the challenge posed to them right now. And because they were men, they assumed that it could all be fixed with a little sweet-talking and maybe another romp in the hay. Or in this case, bush. Just like they thought that a leaky faucet could be fixed with duct-tape.
So having gotten this idea in their heads, which a woman could have told them was bound to fail in about three hours if she had been there, but Tolkien didn't think of that since he was a class-snob and misogynist, so the poor, deluded fools were blissfully unaware of the trap they were falling into. Not even when the sky turning ominously dark with heavy thunderclouds and lighting. Or the large flock of evil misshapen ravens flying by were enough to tell the blood idiots what a big mistake they were making. They just assumed that it was Saruman doing weird things with the weather to let them know he was spying on them. So they ran into the shrubbery, where they hid until it all passed.
So with the strange logic that men possess, they then voted on climbing the freaking, huge mountain called Cahadras. After they got shit-faced drunk for courage before they went after Boromir. But halfway through the drinking, they realized it was Aragorn's fault this was all happening, so they took his booze and gave him a swift kick in the pants to encourage him to find his lover.
Which goes to show you that a bunch of men stuck in the wilderness without either a map or common sense between them are truly lost. And the scary thing is that they are the hope for bringing a sense of order to middle earth. Scary, ain't it?
So after it was all said and done, Aragorn found himself wandering through the forest in search of Boromir a large bunch of daisies in his hand and one of Legolas' cherry Cokes in the other. He would have gotten something else, like Belgian Chocolate perhaps, but things like that were scarce in the middle of nowhere, where things like this always seemed to take place.
So cherry coke and daisies it was and attempt to make amends over an incident which had somehow knocked the temporal loop way out of whack. Which was the equivalent of the gods getting piss-ass drunk and screwing around with everyone's mind. Which was how the incident was later explained to anyone that asked. Eru and Valar getting shit-faced and playing a prank.
It was about a day later when Aragorn finally found Boromir, who was pulling his own version of the rabid Koala with a nasty hangover in an Ash tree a little ways away from the forest. But his version was more like the intoxicated Lemur that was nearly falling off the damn tree.
And that was how Aragorn found him, clinging onto a tree and eyeing the forest floor with trepidation, making Aragorn wish that he hadn't let his libido over-rule his mind that night.
"Why me?" He moaned to no one in particular as he raced towards the other man.
"Let go and I'll catch you." He instructed. Boromir gave him a disgusted glare and continued to cling onto the tree, despite the fact that it was obvious to the both of them that he was going to fall on his ass pretty soon.
"No. And piss off, you bastard!" Boromir growled through clenched teeth.
"No! I won't! What the hell do you think you're doing up there in your condition? Are you mad?"
"What the hell do you care? I figure you'd be happier if you didn't have an illegitimate child to worry over, since you're Isildur's heir and all that!" Boromir yelled back. He was also about to say more, but his grip slipped and whatever he was gonna say was cut off by a high, girly shriek.
"Dammit man! You're going to kill my son just to spite me?" Aragorn shouted. "That's real mature, Boromir! Real mature!"
"Oh? So now it's your SON?" Boromir shouted back. "You mean you're actually going to be a man and take responsibility for your actions?" The sentiment was nice. But the weight of the words was marred by yet another girly scream.
"Yeah! Yeah! Dammit! I love you! I'll take care of you and the kid. Now GET DOWN!"
He didn't have to shout it out, since at that moment, Boromir fell right on top of him, crushing the daisies. Even though Aragorn had the wind knocked out of him, he was glad that Boromir wasn't hurt.
"You mean it?" Boromir asked afterwards, when everything had been resolved and promises had been extracted from both sides that no murder, castration or marginalization was to occur.
Although Aragorn had been lying through his teeth when he had been talking to the not so rational Boromir, he knew that he was trapped as surely as if someone had put his fucken balls in a vice-grip. Even though Arwen was scary when she was pissed, Boromir was hormonal and could use a sword almost as well as he did. And he was the mother? Father? Of his heir. There was certainly no contest there.
Knowing that he was locking the door to his own prison and signing his own death warrant, Aragorn smiled as sincerely as he possibly could under the circumstances and nodded.
"Shibby!" Boromir squealed and proceeded to give Aragorn a bone-cracking hug. Which in turn made the ranger wince and make a mental note of using condoms next time he fucked around with anyone, be it male or female.
"I love you, you know." Boromir's words though, and the way he was looking at him through his long lashes made him throw that resolution out the window as his libido suddenly took over and he was reminded of why he had gotten himself into that mess in the first place.
"You know... we do have some time before we..." The last of that statement was cut off by Boromir clamping down on his mouth before he could say anything else, telling the ranger that his idea was well received. In minutes, clothes had been strewn around the clearing.
"What the hell was that?" Legolas slurred after a strange cry was heard reverbrating through the forest.
"I dunno." Gandalf slurred back. The others just shrugged.
"Whatever. Pass the pipe, will ya?"
Meanwhile...
"What?" Arwen cried after her father had handed her a mop, bucket and other cleaning supplies.
"You heard me." Elrond replied testily. "Or do you need a re-cap?"
"B-b-but DADDY!" Arwen whined. "I'm a PRINCESS! I can't be expected to do that!"
"Oh yes you will!" Her irate father whined back. "You messed up, you have to pay the price. Now go and clean up the washrooms, princess"
"Prolly some wild animal. Now shut up and pass the weed, you boggarting hobbit."
In the mines of Moria... A few months later.
"Aragorn?" A quiet voice was heard in the shadowy depths of the mine.
"Hgrhrgrl?" Aragorn replied, not quite awake just yet.
"Aragorn?" The question was punctuated by a sharp jab in the ribs which made the future king of Gondor yelp and jump about a foot in the air.
"Shaddup!" Gimli yelled at them. "Can't you see some of us are trying to get to sleep here?"
"You shaddup, you overgrown midget!" Legolas yelled at the dwarf, since he was still sore that the mines of Moria were nothing more than a dump. And he had been soo looking forward to a nice bath too! And maybe a chance to replenish his dwindling coke stash.
But Noo! They had nearly gotten blown off a fucken mountain because Saruman had been laughing at them so hard he lost control of his powers, so the dwarf made Frodo choose the damn caves (Boromir, Legolas and Aragorn were positive that they had seen a stun gun in sneakily make it's way back into the dwarf's cloak after the decision had been made) and they had ended up getting manhandled by some weird water monster while the senile wizard tried (Tried is the operative word here) to recall the password.
After Frodo had guessed it right, they then ad to face that weird octopus thing that was trying to make them into sushi. Prolly in revenge for them eating calamari the night before in order to appease Boromir's intense food-cravings, which had gotten worse as his pregnancy progressed.
Luckily Boromir had had a seriously freaky mood-swing (Aragorn, Legolas and the hobbits had later agreed that his eyes had been glowing an unholy orange-green and horns were sticking out of his head at that time too) and sent the beast running for the fucken hills. (Complete with the high-pitched yip, yip sounds)
Unfortunately, the stupid thing caused the entrance to collapse, which trapped them in the dark caves with no freaking way of getting out. The rest of the trip pretty much blew goats, since they got lost in the dark, had to wait until Gandalf got his bearings, since he refused to ask for directions or look at a map.
Which left them stranded in the dark. With Gollum on one side and an achy Boromir on the other. And stoned hobbits everywhere else.
Even though the others tried to not tease Boromir (with the exception of Aragorn, who knew very well what would happen if he even thought about it), it was getting pretty hard for them not to. Considering the physical changes that the Gondorian man had gone through in the time-span of their travels, which had true to form, taken a left turn at Albuquerque, gone East at Santa Fe and was currently going to Stockholm by way of Helsinki.
In his seventh or so month now since that night in the forest, Boromir had, to put it nicely, Filled out quite a bit. Not only had he gotten very, um, voluptuous, he had also gained a... nice set of headlights, if you get my drift. Although they hadn't really been apparent when they had been going through the snowdrifts, they had become quite noticeable when Aragorn had been groping for his pipe and had grabbed a hold of one by mistake.
The others hadn't stopped sniggering about that incident for days, despite the liberal use of the DEATH GLARE (TM) that Aragorn and Boromir combined where giving them. The others ignored them, since they really lost their effectiveness when they were given by a pregnant guy and a guy with an eye swollen to the size of a golf-ball. It also didn't help matters that Boromir's mood swings had disappeared and he was now getting into the "Nesting stage" and couldn't really chase after the hobbits or anyone, since he was now waddling about the speed of a wallaby on E.
So he had been forced to endure the taunts until Aragorn could see out of his eye again and was now giving everyone else a run for their money if they even so much as dared to smile at Boromir.
So now, they had settled for the night after yet another fruitless night and Boromir wanted something. Something that Aragorn hoped could easily be remedied, since they didn't have anymore chocolate spread or pickled head-cheese.
"What?" He finally answered after rubbing his sore ribs and settling down beside Boromir.
"I was thinking about the baby." Boromir whispered as he cuddled up to Aragorn, who obliged him by putting his arms around the other man.
"Yeah?" Aragorn asked, stroking the gold hair in an effort to soothe the tense Gondorian.
"How am I gonna give birth to it? I'm not a woman. I don't have the proper... umm. You know."
Aragorn blinked. Shit. They had never thought about that in all the months they had been running around like gits. How the hell was Boromir gonna have this kid?
"And what about if I die? Who's gonna take care of it while you go on your quest?"
Aragorn stiffened at these words and instantly regretted the whole incident. He was an ass! He really was! If only he had been more careful, Boromir wouldn't be fretting over his life or the well-being of his unborn child.
The truly worse thing was that he had no comforting words to offer. Which was the utterly ironic thing. He had a tongue of honey, but that tongue failed him when it came to important matters like now. Oh yes, he was definitely fucked six ways from Saturday.
"Don't trouble yourself, Lord Boromir." Gandalf said as he came close to the couple.
"Although I may act like senile retard at most times, I do know a few things about male-pregnancy, since there have been several cases of it in the past. The one I recall most was Isildur's own." Gandalf then puffed on his pipe and nodded to himself.
"Isildur?" Both men gasped. Gandalf nodded.
"Yep. He pissed off Elrond over something or other before the war and Elrond got his revenge by having him get pregnant with his child."
Aragorn felt his face turning white at this information. Gandalf laughed softly.
"The child wasn't the one your line is descended from. As far as I recall, she's in Lothlorien with Galadriel." He then nodded to Boromir. "I suspect that Arwen may have gotten her revenge the same way. Takes after her father in being terribly vindictive, she sure does."
Boromir groaned. "Great. Just great. I knew I should have said no."
"Well, there's no sense in worrying about it lad. It's done. And don't worry about the baby. I will be there to take care of everything. Leave it all to me."
It was about that time that Gandalf remembered the way out and they hurried to get the hell out of that freaking dark place.
Unfortunately, things didn't go as well as Gandalf had planned. As always. First, the orcs and the troll had come. They had been vanquished easily enough after Aragorn had gone on a rampage after one of the bastards had tried to attack Boromir.
The second thing they hadn't counted on was Gandalf being his incompetent self and going bye-bye with both the bridge and the Balrog.
They didn't have time to do anything else, since they had to bugger out of there really fast and could only stop to take a small break where they wept, smoked some dope and got slightly buzzed for the long trek ahead.
"Up at them." Aragorn had said after ten minutes of weeping and slurred swearing had been exhausted. All the hobbits, Gimli and Legolas had risen and shut up, but Boromir stayed on the ground, his face a mask of pain as he clutched at his swollen belly.
"Come on, Boromir. I know that you're sad about Gandalf, but we have to get a move on. Orcs will be coming soon."
In response, he got a sharp cry of pain from Boromir, but no movement.
"Boromir! Come on!" Aragorn urged impatiently. Legolas frowned and went up to the groaning man. Putting his hands on his belly, he felt a sharp movement. And visibly paled.
"Boromir, you can weep later, come on now." Aragorn urged nervously.
"You idiot!" Legolas yelled at Aragorn, who looked puzzled at the insult.
"He can't go anywhere! He's gone into labour!" Everyone looked at each other, and with the exception of Legolas and Boromir, began to run around in strangely choreographed panic.
"HOW?" Aragorn yelled after he had calmed down enough and was now kneeling in front of Boromir, one had tightly holding the Gondorian's as he moaned in pain.
`The shock of the battle! Why else?" Legolas yelled.
"What are we going to do then?" Frodo asked. "He just can't have it here!"
"What about the Lady of the Lake? Wouldn't she be able to help?" Sam asked.
"Lady of the WOOD! WOOD you moron! We aren't in some Arthurian legend ya Eejit!"
"Whatever!" Legolas interrupted. "Sam's got a point. Galadriel should be able to do something. And if not, Frodo can come onto her while we figure something out!"
"HEY!" Frodo yelled out, but no one paid attention to his squawking.
"Can you walk?" Aragorn asked Boromir tenderly. Boromir shook his head, his teeth nearly through his lip as he did so.
"I can carry him." Legolas offered. Aragorn was about to object, since he thought that Legolas was too fey for such an undertaking, but quickly shut his mouth when he saw how easily the elf lifted Boromir and proceeded to follow him as he sprinted down the mountain-side.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! WHEN THIS KID IS BORN I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU!"
"How's it going so far?" Merry asked Aragorn as he ran away from the far edge of the clearing where Celeborn, Legolas and Pippin were busy working on getting Boromir to give birth.
"Uh... Good?" Aragorn guessed, massaging his sore hand and wincing at the ringing in his ears.
Merry raised his head. "Yep. I would say so. My mam always said they scream the loudest and the worst swears when the babe's about to be born." He said as he passed a pipe to Aragorn, who took it gratefully. Anything to make the ordeal easier, he thought as he took a large hoot.
Boromir had been in labour for about six hours now, and even though the elves had figured out a way for Boromir to give birth, they were no closer to actually having it happen than they had been when they had arrived at the forest.
Boromir hadn't calmed down in all that time and had gravitated between clinging to Aragorn and calling him and his ancestors every insult in every language known to man at that time and ones that would be known to him in a few thousand years.
"I just hope it's over soon." Aragorn said through a haze of smoke. "I don't think he can handle that much pain. Not to mention the fact that Galadriel's tiring poor Frodo out."
Merry was about to reply when a cry of "AAAAGH! GOOD!" Followed by a "I see the head! PUSH! PUSH!" Interrupted him and sent him flying to the vomit bucket and Aragorn to Boromir's side despite being threatened to be castrated with a rusty and dull exacto knife if ever came near him again.
"Aragorn!" Boromir cried before letting out a violent scream and falling back bonelessly onto the forest floor, making Aragorn's heart jump into his throat. He was then surprised to hear the angry squalling of a child and Pippin thumping his back in congratulations.
"It's a boy!" Legolas announced as Celeborn swiftly cleaned up the little squirming child, wrapped it up and handed it to a recovered Boromir, who had a really silly grin on his face as he reached out for his son.
"Congratulations! Aragorn! Boromir!" Aragorn barely heard them, since he was so entranced with the tiny piece of humanity that was now crying softly in his mother's arms.
"I think he's hungry." Boromir whispered as he pulled out a breast and offered it to the child, who immediately clamped on it and began to nurse enthusiastically.
"Whoah." Aragorn exclaimed softly as he watched his son nurse. His son and Boromir's, a small voice in his mind corrected. He was utterly amazed at the dark gold hair on the small skull and the wide, aquamarine colour of his eyes, a perfect blend of his and Boromir's eye colour.
"Isn't he beautiful?" Boromir asked, completely unaware that all the remaining members of the fellowship had gathered around to have a peek at the child.
"Yes." Aragorn replied, feeling like a jerk for all the times he had wished the kid out of existence.
"So what are you going to name him?" Sam asked.
Boromir and Aragorn looked at each other.
"Arathorn." Aragorn said at the same time Boromir replied "Faramir"
The two fathers looked at each other before they broke out into a full-scale argument.
"I thought we had agreed we were going to name him after my father!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"No! YOU agreed! I always said I was going to name him after my little brother!"
"Hey no way! You can't change your mind like that! You promised!"
"Did not! You wouldn't let me go to sleep until I said yeah!"
"You liar!"
Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas and Celeborn all looked at Sam with a glare that could have killed a dozen Elephants in their tracks.
"What?" Sam asked, backing away slightly. He really didn't like the looks on their faces...
"GET HIM!"
Ye OLDE MERRY END!
egolas Greenleaf, to his last day,
often looked back on the incident with mingled amusement and irritation. Even
though he didn't regret what came out of it, he still often wondered what had
possessed him to actually listen to Arwen. Or if he back-pedalled even further,
why he had to go the long way to look for the toilet that day.
"Okay WHAT the hell was that?" Frodo asked after another scream, this one of rage echoed through the forest.
