The BLTS Archive - Sex, Faith, and Questing after Visions
by C.Zdroj (czb@comcast.net)

---

DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek: Deep Space Nine characters are the property
of  Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and  property of C. Zdroj and are copyright (c) 1998 by C.
Zdroj. This story is Rated  NC-17.

Chronology Note: This story is set immediately after the ST:DS9
episode  "Covenant."

Author's Notes: When I began writing this piece, shortly after the
first airing  of "Covenant" in 1998, I fully intended it to be a PWP.
But as usual, Odo and  Kira started telling me about their personal
issues, so what could I do? An  earlier, slightly different edit of
this story appears in the fanzine Fragments  of Amber (2002).

---
"Time is the great gift.
Sex is the great equalizer.
Love is the great mystery."

--Mary-Chapin Carpenter, Time, Sex, Love
---

She had agreed, reluctantly, to a complete medical examination as soon
as they  returned to DS9. It was all too easy to believe that Dukat
might have slipped  her some drug or disease or Prophets knew what
else during her imprisonment on  Terok Nor. Bashir had found nothing
amiss, however, and had certified her fit  for duty. But Julian hadn't
been able to look at her pagh, Kira thought grimly.  If he had, he
might have reached a very different conclusion indeed.

Still, she was all too used to the routine of shouldering her troubles
in  silence and getting on with duty. It had now been three days since
Vedek Fala  had died in her arms, passing from this life to whatever
might await the  devotees of the pagh-wraiths in the next. For three
days, she had not slept for  thinking about all that had happened
during her brief stay with the wraith  cultists. She knew that her
fatigue was affecting her performance, but no one  else seemed to have
noticed it yet.

Odo notices, said the voice of her better judgement. That's why you're
avoiding  him. He always notices. Kira shoved that voice to the back
of her awareness and  went on with her work.

It was now past o-two-hundred hours. Still in her uniform, Kira was
prowling her  quarters like a restless hara-cat. This simply could not
go on, and she knew it.  Sleep was essential to the functioning of any
soldier, and she was beginning to  show all the signs of going without
it for too long. She laid a shaking hand on  her prayer mandala and as
quickly drew it back. She could not bear to look into  the light of
the shrine. It shamed her somehow, and frightened her at the same
time. She thought about heading out to the promenade, to Quark's
little dive of  a bar--anywhere to get away from that light. And she
heard Vedek Fala speaking,  almost as clearly as if he had been
standing behind her: "It's no good, Nerys.  You can't run from the
Prophets. They see all of us wherever we go."

"I didn't do anything wrong," she told the silence around her. "Fala
chose his  fate. I couldn't help him." The icon continued to glow
serenely in the dimness  of the room, unresponsive to her words. Kira
chose to hide from it in the  adjoining bedroom, where she could look
out at the stars through the viewport.  She went to the replicator and
ordered a drink--the strongest Klingon blood wine  that the computer
could conjure up. It was foul stuff, the kind Jadzia had used  to
drink with so much relish. But it had one advantage: it made one quite
drunk  very fast. Kira made herself down the entire contents of the
glass, almost  gagging on the thick dark fluid.

She didn't remember smashing her glass against the window. She didn't
remember  passing out on her bed.

She opened her eyes to dimness and a raging headache, and for a moment
she  imagined that she could see Dukat's face leering down at her in
the faint light,  like some toothy predatory reptile getting ready to
strike. Twisting, she raised  a hand to smash that smug face and
tumbled off the bed onto the hard floor.

"Get off me!" she snarled at the hands and arms that materialized from
nowhere  to lift her up. "Go to hell, Dukat!" Her hands froze into
claws as she tried to  swipe at the hated face.

"Nerys?"

Startled into full wakefulness, Kira looked up, finding no Cardassian
attacker,  but instead a pair of anxious blue eyes. Her fumbling hand
reached out to touch  the contours of a smooth, familiar face. "Odo?"

He lifted her back onto the bed, and Kira, reassured by the welcome
strength of  his arms, allowed herself to relax. For several moments,
she lay back on the  mattress, numbed and staring at the ceiling.
Odo's fingers trailed gently  through her sweat-soaked hair as he sat
beside her on the bed.  "What are you  doing here?" she asked,
drained.

His voice rumbled softly above her. "I can leave if you like ..."

"No--don't." She reached out blindly for his hand and squeezed it
hard, then  closed her eyes, letting her breath out in a long sigh.

"What's going on, Nerys?"

Gentle as the question was, Kira was in no mood to be interrogated by
her own  chief of security--even if they had been sleeping together
for the last few  months.

"It's too hot in here," she grumbled, trying to change the subject.
"How did I  let myself fall asleep in this damned uniform?"

"One of the many hazards of too much blood wine," said Odo dryly.

"How did you--?"

"Call it an educated guess."

"Figures," Kira grumbled softly.

"I did take your boots off," Odo said. There was a faint touch of
amusement in  his voice.

Kira smiled tiredly. "Well now you can take off the rest." She
squeezed Odo's  fingers again. His free hand traveled carefully to the
back of her neck, and her  exhausted body found enough energy to arch
upward and allow him to undo the  zipper. He peeled the uniform away
from her gently, with lingering slowness. She  closed her eyes again
and pressed his hand between her now bare breasts, over  her heart,
grateful for his presence as she had not been in a long time.

He seemed hesitant. "Nerys ... are you sure that you ...?"

She cut him off by reaching out and wrapping him in a fierce embrace,
pulling  him down to her until their lips were crushed together. Odo
relinquished himself  with a sigh to the hunger of her kiss and the
eagerness of her searching mouth.  Kira's fingers slid possessively up
over his back and between his shoulder  blades as he morphed
gracefully out of the semblance of his Bajoran uniform and  into the
slim unclothed humanoid shape that she had come to know so intimately.
Her hands traveled downward along his spine and to his thighs and
hips. She  kissed him almost compulsively, delighting in the
smoothness of his skin, the  warmth of his body. In that moment she
felt as though she would never get enough  of either. There was a
brief instant when he forced her to slow down, gently  pushing her
deeper into the bedding, pressing his forehead against hers while  the
two of them caught their breath.

Odo kissed Kira's forehead and her cheeks. From there his lips
traveled  downward, along the side of her neck and the satiny expanse
of her upper chest.  He kissed her breasts, rubbing his cheeks against
the smooth flesh, letting his  tongue pass over the firm, rosy
nipples. Kira moaned, making soft, passionate  sounds deep in her
throat.

Then, abruptly, her whole body tensed and she gasped his name. "Odo
..."

The sound was like a half-suppressed groan, more suggestive of pain
than of  pleasure. Odo drew back in alarm and looked down at her. Kira
had twisted so  that one side of her face was pressed into the pillow.
Her lips and jaw were  clenched tight, her eyes squeezed shut.

"Nerys?"

For a moment she lay still, gasping softly. "It's nothing, Odo ... I
just --"

"You thought I was Dukat earlier, while you were tossing in your
sleep," he  reminded her.

Kira turned fully onto her side, drawing up her knees and clutching
the pillow.  "I don't want to talk about it."

"As you wish." Odo's voice was sober and sad. Kira knew that she'd
hurt him.

She sat up in bed and took him by the shoulders, forcing him to look
at her.  "It's not you." She bit her lip, glancing down at the
crumpled bedclothes. "It's  not your fault. It's me. I--" She ground
her teeth, unable to continue.

"Dukat," said Odo sharply. "Did he--?"

"No!" Kira almost shouted. Then, aware of the harshness of her tone,
she lowered  her voice. "No," she repeated, quietly vehement.

Odo's face was shadowed. Kira knew that his memories of the former
Cardassian  prefect went back much further than her own. She decided
to leave out the detail  of waking up half-dressed on Terok Nor to
find Dukat hovering over her. "He  never touched me," she said. "But
somehow I still feel ... contaminated." Her  voice was low with
disgust. "Just the way he was looking at me ..."

"I'm sorry," Odo said.

"There's no need for you to be sorry."

"Yes, there is." Odo's voice was bitter. "I'm the chief of security
here. People  aren't just supposed to vanish from this station--let
alone the senior staff.  Let alone ..." he paused, brushing her cheek
with the side of his hand. "Let  alone ... you." His voice fell to a
whisper. "That transporter had a Dominion  signature, you know."

"Actually, I didn't," she said. She'd been too distracted to even read
the  reports that had been filed on her own abduction. She studied
Odo's face with  concern. "You thought it was the Founders."

He nodded.

"Odo, you can't hold yourself responsible every time something happens
to me."

"I know. But I do anyway."

She leaned forward to rub her lips along the bridge of his nose. "I've
always  known that about you," she told him. Odo accepted her touch,
along with the  comment, in silence, his hands resting in hers.

"You take so much on yourself," Kira said quietly.

Her lips brushed along his cheek. Her voice sank to a low whisper.
"Odo, I need  you. I need you to touch me." Her eyes locked with his.
"After listening to  Dukat spew all that poison--listening to him try
to convince me that he ...  loved me ..." Her voice was heavy with
sarcasm, and yet she could not suppress a  shudder. She leaned her
head on Odo's shoulder and sighed. "I suppose he  believed it in his
own twisted way."

"No doubt," said Odo.

"I know it sounds crazy, but--after all that happened, I need you to
make me  feel ... clean again." Her dark eyes were direct and serious.
"Only you can do  that, Odo--make me feel whole again ... like I'm
me."

Odo inclined his head, clearly surprised by this choice of words. "It
sounds  like you want a blessing," he said quietly. "I'm no Vedek, you
know."

Kira leaned up and forward, placed an almost ceremonial kiss on his
forehead. "I  know," she whispered, "but this ... us, together--" She
clasped his shoulders  again, drawing him to her. "This is ... a
sacred act."

He said nothing. He only kissed her and caressed her bare shoulders.

Odo felt Kira's muscles become softer as she relaxed into his embrace.
He  gathered her close and they sighed together, holding each other in
the  stillness. Kira let her head tip back as Odo kissed her throat,
and she let out  a gasp of relief as he drew her hips snugly against
his own and simply let  himself flow inside her. They groaned
together. Odo allowed himself a moment to  look at her--his Nerys, so
strong and so trusting--to see the passion that his  touch aroused in
her. Her body arched so that her nipples brushed his chest,  tiny,
erect little nubs. He let his thumbs caress them, teasing them into
even  harder peaks. Kira growled softly with approval. Her hips moved
eagerly as her  body embraced him.

Odo held Kira while her body shuddered, moments later, into its
climax. He kept  on holding her while she caught her breath and her
heartbeat slowed to normal.  Her fingers traveled gently over his
shoulders, and he felt her breath, warm  against his cheek. Only then
did he permit a release of his own pent up tension.  "I love you," he
breathed. A soft whisper, carrying raw hurt with it. She kissed  him
fiercely, his forehead, his cheeks, his mouth. She ran her fingers
through  his hair.

"I know," she whispered. "I love you too."

Anything else that she might have said was obliterated by another
ferocious  kiss. She sensed his need and opened her body, letting him
seize and cover her  with kisses. She was sure that the entire station
must have heard her screams of  passion as Odo covered her with
himself, caressing every inch of her. Time was  blotted out, and she
did not know whether the pleasure lasted for hours or  merely seconds.
She only knew that she seemed to come back to herself very  slowly
some time later, even as Odo painstakingly reformed himself in her
arms.  She rolled him over on his back and sat perched astride his
hips, for several  moments gazing down at him thoughtfully while she
stroked his chest.

Odo lay with his eyes closed. Kira went on stroking him until she
sensed him at  peace again.

She sighed. "I suppose I should take my own advice," she said at last.

"You blame yourself for the death of your friend," he said. It was not
a  question.

Kira nodded. "I just keep thinking there must have been something I
could have  done."

"You're only one person, Nerys."

"So are you," she replied.

They digested this in silence as they lay together.

"You know," said Kira slowly, "I kept being surprised that the wraith
cultists  were such ... ordinary people. From what I could see, they
weren't especially  bad people, and most of them weren't crazy. But
they were desperate. They felt  as if the Prophets had abandoned
them." She hesitated. "In a way ... they  reminded me of you."

Odo seemed surprised, and not entirely pleased. "In what way?"

"You were abandoned as a child. The Bajorans you met never gave you
much reason  to believe in the Prophets." Her gaze had that earnest,
piercing quality that  somehow he could never turn away from. Odo
raised Kira's hand in his own,  rubbing her fingers thoughtfully.

Finally he let himself break the silence, choosing his words with
care. "I was  never able to put my trust in anything but myself, until
now--until you. But I  know only too well how fallible I am, Nerys."

"That's why Weyoun's devotion bothered you so much," said Kira, half
to herself.

"He gave his life for me. I never asked that. I never wanted to be
anyone's  god."

Kira stroked his cheek thoughtfully. "The Vorta can't help what they
are ..."  she whispered. "It was a kind thing that you did--giving
Weyoun your blessing."

"Was it?" Odo sounded doubtful. "I perpetuated a myth about the
Founders."

"You gave a dying man his dearest wish," she swallowed hard. "It was
more than I  could do for Fala."

They lapsed into silence again. After a while, Kira said: "Odo ... You
may not  be a god in your own eyes, but you are a blessing. My
blessing." She leaned down  and kissed his temple. "And awfully good
in bed too," she added with a soft  laugh.

"You know," Odo said, kissing her back, "When I'm here with
you--sometimes I  imagine I could believe in the Prophets." His voice
was so soft it was as if he  feared his own words.

Kira grinned broadly. "All part of my evil scheme--didn't you know?"

"Ah, now it all makes sense."

He kissed her again, and the shadows of memory receded away for them
both, for  the moment, into the eternity of the present.

---

The End