The BLTS Archive - Say Goodbye
Points of View universe: Jean-Luc Picard
by wolfen (wolfen@together.net)

---

A few words from the authors:

Those of you who know me know how obsessive I am about canon. Veering
from canon in my writing is something I have a hard time
rationalizing. Well, wolfen came to me with a song and a proposition.
The song was "Say Goodbye" by the Dave Mathews Band, and the
proposition was that we both write the same story, based on the song,
from two different points of view.

The premise of the story was Beverly and Jean-Luc having one
passionate night together while she was still married to Jack.  After
listening to the song -- and picking myself up off the floor -- I
agreed.  And after reading wolfen's amazing "Say Goodbye," I was even
more excited about doing this. This has been a labor of love for me, a
definite challenge, and I can say that I sweated over this one.  I
started at 10:00 in the morning and wrote till 1:00am, breaking only
for necessities (like feeding my family).  This is the result.

TrexPhile

---

Hi all,

There I was, chatting on #BONC in an altered state of mind, when it
hit me. Not the idea to write a story based on the song "Say Goodbye",
that had been rattling around in my noggin fro quite some time. The
idea was to write the story from 2 differing POV's. Not that I am the
first person to think of such a thing.

So, there I was...there TrexPhile was. I rambled my idea out...sent
her an MP3 of the song. She listened. And next thing you know, THERE
we are.

I would like to say it only took me a day to write my part, but it was
more like 4 or 5 weeks. Writing a sex scene in the 1st POV is a little
bit of a booger. Not to mention from a male's POV (I happen to be
female). So, there you have. I hope you enjoy.

Cheers

wolfen

---

Disclaimer: They...you know 'they', own em, but they don't deserve em.

Note: Wow....I have so many people to acknowledge here. First off, I
would like to credit The Dave Matthews Band for writing not only this
song, but a whole lot more. If you want to hear this song, cruise over
to my web site at http://members.tripod.com/~wolf_fen. I would also
like to give a high five to all the people who beta read for me in one
form or another...Josh...Sarah (with a little extra thanking for the
British rating above), TrexPhile, AdmiralTAG, and especially to
Mariel. As a last credit, I would like to thank LaLiz and MissElise.
Although they don't know this story exists, part of my idea about the
POV came from their masterful X-Files series, Animal Crackers.

Last but not least, this story is part of a companion piece. The other
half of which is written by TrexPhile called "Saying Goodbye".

Feedback disclaimer: I am open to all feedback...critical or
otherwise.

---

I welcome the hot water on my face, and watch as it runs down my torso
pulling the sweat, the dirt....her...with it. Grabbing the bar of soap
again, I lather my hands, thinking maybe one more wash will take the
lingering scent of her perfume and her sex away.

As I run soapy hands over my chest and down my stomach, the recent
memory of her hands traveling that same road begin to wash over me.
Abruptly I stop the thought, before the memory can blossom. Leaning my
head against the cool shower wall, I squeeze my eyes shut to keep the
water out, or maybe to keep it in...I don't know.

I know I will never rid myself of her scent. It is not tangible, not
something that can be washed away, but ethereal, something seared into
my mind...into my soul

Jack...just like that, his smiling face appears in my minds eye. I'm
racked with guilt over what I've done. He trusted me to take care of
her, to keep her safe, to be there when he could not. Oh how well I
was the fill- in husband...but such a sorry substitute for the
original.

Damn him! He should've been there. He was supposed to be there. If she
were my wife, nothing would stop me from being with her. Not even Star
Fleet.

I release a ragged breath. Jack is not to blame for my betrayal.
Turning off the water, I key the door control. Stepping out of the
stall, I grab a towel off the counter and run it over my head and
face. Looking into the towel, I scowl as I notice several dark hairs
highlighted against the white fabric. Deserters!

Looking up, I notice a mark, barely visible as it peeks over my
shoulder. Moving, I dip my torso down and twist in to see where it
trails. Clinically I inspect, not one, but several scratches on my
back.

There is a wisp of memory of when they were indented on my flesh, the
pain of their arrival only enhancing the pleasure. In that moment, I
was  proud of myself. Arrogant in my ability to drive her to such
mindlessness that she would mark me. And marked I was...marked I will
forever be.

Opening a cabinet door, I take out a protoplaser I keep for
emergencies. I set the dial to the appropriate level, intent on
removing the trophies I am so proud of. Angling  for the closest red
line, I stop before the beam can take it away. They're mine...every
one of those marks. Memories that can't be forgotten or erased with
the pass of a wand. Flicking my thumb across the switch, I turn off
the instrument and throw it back into the drawer. I reason no one but
I will be able to see them.

No one will know what I have done, save her and I. For a moment, I
wish for the last twenty four hours of my life back. I would do things
differently. I would have said..."No".....

---

Placing the PADD I'm reading down on the desk, I lift my hands to rub
my eyes. After eight months at McKinley for the Stargazers refit, it
was going to be good to get back out into space again. Picking the
PADD back up again, I initial it with my thumb print and set it aside
to be sent with the rest of the reports. That was the last one.

Pushing out from the desk, I stand and stretch. It will be good to get
back to my cabin and  relax for the next two days. Most of the senior
staff have plans on Earth for their last weekend here, but I have
opted for a quiet weekend alone. Their plans involve a significant
other, of which I am lacking, and I don't intend to be the third
wheel...again..

 Jack had tried to convince me to come with him and Beverly.
Apparently, she was able to wrangle a cabin in the American Rockies.
How quaint...how romantic. A log cabin, a fire roaring inside while
the snow falls outside the window. No comm system...no
replicator...nothing we would refer to as modern conveniences. Heaven.

I declined his offer.

Our lives had too suddenly become entwined with hers, and that was
another reason to be glad of leaving here....leaving her.  We had been
here for only a short time before she arrived. Jack, lucky man, spied
her first.

He immediately staked his territory, taking her out every night,
talking of her constantly. He wasn't selfish with her attentions; we
did things together: theater, dinners, trips here and there. Walker
found his own 'interests', and begged off most of the time. I had no
other interest but her...she occupied my thoughts...and my heart...

I'm a masochist. There is no other explanation for what I put myself
through to be near her. It is pure hell to see them together, kissing,
touching, saying murmured words of love in each others ear. Jean Luc
Picard, Captain of the Stargazer, a balding confirmed bachelor pushing
forty... in love with his best friends wife.

I walk over to the replicator and order a cup of tea, "Earl grey,
hot". I wait for it to materialize, then pick it up, cautiously taking
a sip of the hot liquid. I lick my lips contemplating the bitter brew.
It still doesn't taste right.

Jack's wife. Now there was a surprise. Three months! That's how long
it took him to ask her. I was devastated. Deep down I guess I always
hoped there was some chance for me...for us. But married, she was
forever beyond my reach. Outwardly I appeared happy for them, but
inside I was dying.

After their marriage, I tried to distance myself from them, but I was
addicted. I couldn't give up the part of her I had. How pathetic I
was, trailing along with a young married couple, no apparent prospects
of my own. They tried to fix me up a few times, but that never came to
anything. How could it? I was already in love.

The door chime startles me from my thoughts. Placing the unpalatable
tea cup down, I call, "Come."

Smiling, I greet my first officer as he walks in. I know he's anxious
to get out of here. "Jack, getting everything taken care of?"

Looking closely, I notice the lines that crease his forehead, and the
bent angle that has turned the sides of his mouth down. Something is
wrong.

"Jean Luc, there's a problem with the main computers interface with
the sensor arrays," Jack announces as he shifts from foot to foot.

"I thought you said you could work that out with the new program you
wrote?" I ask him.

Running a hand through his dark hair, he sits on the couch and says,
"I thought so too. But, it just isn't working quite the way I thought
it would. I need to tweak it some. Don't worry. We'll be ready to
launch come Monday. It's just..."

Sitting down on the couch next to him I ask, "Just what, Jack?"

He looks up, his blue eyes sad and worried, "It's Beverly, Jean Luc.
She went through a lot of trouble to get the time off, and to rent us
that cabin. I know she would understand if she knew, but there is no
way I can contact her. I was just supposed to meet her there."

"Why don't you just beam down and tell her?" I ask.

Jack rises, and starts to pace as he explains, "Normally, I could, but
you know how the weather grids have been acting up in the mountainous
regions lately. The entire Rocky Mountain area is having a problem
with a magnetic flux in their plates. It's caused a pretty bad
snowstorm, and has made it impossible to transport down." He looks at
me and I can see his worry and frustration when he adds, "I could make
it to the base camp, but it's an hour to the cabin by snow rover after
that, and I just don't have the time if we want the sensors on-line by
Monday."


"I see," I say as I absently rub my chin.

Jack sits down on the couch again, "Jean Luc, I'm worried about her."

"Jack, Beverly's not helpless. She's quite capable of taking care..."

He waves his hand, "I know that. No, she's not helpless. But all the
same, I'd feel a lot better if I knew someone was with her when I
couldn't be. She'll be worried if I don't show up."

He looks me in the eye, and I can see what he wants. This time, it is
my turn to rise and pace. "Jack, it's you she wants there. Why don't I
fix the sensor problem?"

Jack leans his head against the back of the couch and watches as I
pace. I can see he is trying to hide his amusement..

"What?" I ask.

"Captain, you know as well as I do that I have to fix this. It'd take
you all weekend just to acquaint yourself with the new code. Just do
me the favor and go. Tell her I'm sorry, and explain for me."

My mind races. How can I spend a weekend in a cabin with her alone
without the inhibiting influence of Jack's presence? But I know he is
right, there is no way I or anyone else can solve the arrays problem
by Monday. Only Jack can do that.

Looking to meet his eyes, I answer, "Yes."

God help me, yes.

---

Despite being planet bound for the last eight months, I had completely
forgotten about the shortness of a winter day. It was taking me longer
than Jack's estimated one hour to get to the cabin. The snow is coming
so fast at the rovers screen that the wipers barely have time to move
it before more comes to be cleared. It has grown dark, and the white
of the flakes contrasting against the black faintly reminds me of
looking out a port window when the ship is at warp.

I hope Beverly is okay

Smiling to myself, I realize I have fallen into the same trap as Jack.
I gave into the illusion of Beverly as helpless, or at least in need
of help. Logically, I know that is not the case. Beverly How..Crusher
is one of the brightest, strongest women I know, capable of taking
care of herself in any situation. But it's the emotional side of me,
the side that loves her, that needs to see that she is okay.

Shifting my eyes, I briefly look at the navigation panel to determine
distance and heading. I'm surprised when I calculate that the
coordinates of the cabin are 100 meters away. Looking up, I try to see
if I can spy it through the snow swept trees. I squint at something up
ahead, and slightly to the left. Adjusting the lights on the rover
brighter, I can just make out the outline of the cabin in the
distance. Turning the vehicle, I make for a head-on approach.

The heavy snow had required my full attention, but now with my
destination in sight, I feel my pulse start to race. The import of the
situation has raised itself to a conscious level again. I am a Star
Fleet officer, a captain of a ship, and I have faced more dangerous
situations than this. I will behave as I have always behaved when
around her. I pull the 'Captain's Mask' firmly in place for it has
always held in her presence before, and I do not expect it to slip
now.

Bringing the rover to a stop, I shut the systems down and prepare to
open the door. A movement across the orange-lit window catches my eye.
Looking, I see Beverly staring out at me, eyes large and blue with
surprise. Then I see realization of who has arrived set in. Her mouth,
once set in a smile of anticipation, turns down in disappointment..

My spirits fall at that look, and I chastise myself, realizing I had
let them rise with the first glance. The 'Captains Mask' had slipped
momentarily. Opening the door, I head out the last couple meters to
the cabin. I vow not to let it slip again.

---

The door to the cabin opens before I can knock for admittance. Her
slim frame stands silhouetted in the entrance, the red hue of her hair
brightened by the fire blazing in the background. A rush of warm air
rich with her scent demands my attention...I breath deep.

She leans casually against the door, brings a glass to her lips, and
drinks deeply of the crimson liquid it contains. Mesmerized, I watch
her throat muscles move as she swallows.

"Jean Luc..."

So wrapped am I in the experience of her presence,  the sound of her
voice makes the hairs on my neck rise. Focusing on her eyes, I smile
hoping she hasn't noticed my distracted state.

"Beverly..." my voice rumbles, sounding shaky to my ears.

Stepping back to make room for me to pass, Beverly sweeps her arm
indicating I should enter. Wordlessly, I move to walk past her and
into the cabin. Nearing the couch, I turn as she shuts the door. I'm
curious. Why hasn't she asked me, "Where's Jack? Is he okay? Why isn't
he here?"

Beverly glides over next to where I stand and picks up a bottle of
wine from a small table to refill her glass.

"Would you like some?" she asks, holding up the bottle to me, a wisp
of a smile on her lips.

I feel my eyes widen slightly...not the question I was expecting.

"I don't think I had better. The storm is worsening, and we don't have
much time if we want to get back safely." I answer.

Her forehead creases. "Get back...where?"

Flustered at her apparent confusion, I explain, "To the base
camp...the snow is falling pretty heavy, and it will take us several
hours as it is."

Her eyes harden as she crosses one arm in front of her, placing it
below the one that holds the wine glass.

"I'm not going anywhere," she states.

"Beverly, please..." I say, in my most reasonable voice,"...Jack isn't
coming."

"So what else is new? It's not the first time he's stood me up. What
is it this time that only the indispensable Jack Crusher can take care
of?"

The bitterness that laces her voice startles me, and for a moment I'm
speechless.

Mistaking my silence for no answer, Beverly continues, "That's what I
thought. No matter- you've delivered your message."

Reaching out, I grasp her elbow. "He'd be here if he could - you know
that. Please...let's go before the weather gets worse."

Disengaging herself from my hold, she walks over to the door. Placing
a long, slender hand on the knob, she turns and says, "Jean Luc, I
said I'm not leaving. I went to a lot of trouble to get these two days
off, and this cabin booked. I can manage without Jack here, thank you
very much. You can go, but I'm staying."

 I watch her, fascinated, and am reminded once again that, along with
being one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, Beverly Crusher
is also one of the most infuriatingly stubborn.

"Beverly, we're in for one of the worst storms this area has had in
decades. I don't think you should be here by yourself, and I know Jack
would appreciate seeing you, even if it can't be here. Why do you have
to be so difficult?".

"Difficult!" she says, a red blush flowing up her neck infuse her face
with color.

I stand, rooted to the spot, as she walks up to me, her anger flashing
in her eyes. Pointing a finger at my chest, she says, "What do you
know about me being difficult? Has Jack said that, or have you come to
that conclusion all on your own? I'm not being difficult - I'm a big
girl, Jean Luc, I don't need a babysitter."

Fighting with Beverly is not what I intended to do, but  leaving her
here in this storm seems out of the question. "I'm sorry Beverly, and
I realize you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.  I
really didn't come here to argue with you."

She is close enough that I can smell her breath. The wine she has been
drinking making it warm and sweet.

"Then why did you come?" she asks, her voice lower now, and not as
angry.

She moves closer into my space, and it is difficult to think straight
when she is so near that I can feel the heat of her body. Stepping
back slightly, I try to find my own air...that shared with her is too
intoxicating to endure.

"I came because it was impossible to get a message to you, and Jack
didn't want you worried when he didn't show up," I explain.

Beverly arches an eyebrow, as if she's contemplating the truth of my
words. I wonder why she would doubt my explanation.

"I bet," she scowls then continues, " And just what is it that has
kept Jack away?"

Opening my mouth to answer, she waves her hand through the air.

 "No...don't tell me. I really don't want to know. In the end, I
suppose it really doesn't matter..." she says, her words trailing off.

Wondering what she was going to say, I take a fresh look at her. I see
things I hadn't before...lines on her forehead and around her
mouth...and her eyes look, I don't know...tired? Sad? They are not the
bright, blue lenses I am used to.

The realization causes my heart to squeeze in my chest.

"Beverly, what's wrong?" I ask gently.

Her eyes dart up, and for an instant I see a flash of pain in their
azure depths...and my heart squeezes tighter.

"I'm fine, Jean Luc. Are you sure you won't have some wine?" she asks,
trying to distract me.

 I acknowledge the diversionary tactic for what it is, and know that
there is no way I can leave now. In love with her or not, Beverly is
also my friend.

 I shift my eyes to the window and say, "It's worse outside all
ready."

"Yes, it is," she says neutrally.

"And you still refuse to leave, even though you know the storm is
going to worsen?"

 She nods and says firmly, "I'm staying here."

 I sigh. I can't leave her alone. God forgive me, I don't WANT to
leave her alone...

"I suppose it would be foolish to try to leave now..." I say as I turn
to look at her again.

My heart thumps a little louder in my chest as the mischievous smile I
know so well greets me.

 "And we wouldn't want you looking foolish..." she says.

I smile at her dig, and feel better that I could make her eyes
brighten a little

Turning my gaze back to the storm outside, I pause a moment, then
sigh. "Yes, then, a glass of wine would be lovely."

Her smile is like a ray of light, "Great...I knew you'd see things my
way. Have a seat while I pour."

My brows rise. "Your way? I'm only taking the sensible course of
action. It would be treacherous to leave in this weather, and I can
hardly leave you here alone..."

The smile drops from her face, and she says in her best cadet voice,
"Of course, Captain, my mistake."

For a moment, I think I have once again made a mess of things, but
then I see the muscles twitch at the sides of her mouth and I realize
she is trying not to laugh. Her efforts to contain her mirth fail, and
she bursts out with a laugh. I smile warmly as I wait for her to
contain herself. I watch a tear from her laughter edge its way to the
corner of her eye, then spill slowly over the lid. Large and
glistening as the light reflects off its surface, it traces a slow
path down her flushed cheek. Like a moth to a flame, my hand moves
towards it, brushing it away with the gentle stroke of its thumb.

Abruptly her laughter stops and our eyes meet. For a moment, I think I
see something in her eyes...deeply held, its intensity flashes briefly
over the surface then is gone. Instantly, I pull my hand away as if
burned, and look away.

She breaks the awkward silence first, and I'm grateful.

"Well, uh...why don't you take off your jacket, and have a seat on the
couch in front of the fire. I'll be over with the wine in a second,"
she says.

Shrugging out of my coat, I move over to the couch, my mind racing as
I berate myself for my lack of control. In one instant, spurred on by
the sight of a single tear, I reached for her. Never in all my life
has a woman made me lose myself so fast. I see now that this is going
to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. How can I get through
this without giving away my deepest secret?

A glass suddenly appears in front of me. Reaching up, careful not to
touch her hand, I take it.

"Thank you," I say as I take a tentative first sip.

Swirling the liquid around in my mouth, I try to examine the
complexities of the vintage. Instead, I am distracted as the couch
dips down as she sits next to me. Swallowing quickly,  I look to see
her leg, a scant few centimeters from my own. My eyes are drawn to the
long, finely muscled limb as it peeks out of the slit in the side of
her skirt. It is only now that I notice her attire and the erotic
quality of its cut.

Clearing my throat, I tear my eyes away to look elsewhere..anywhere
but there.

"Is the wine okay?" she asks.

I realize she must have misinterpreted my gesture, thinking the wine
unpalatable.

Looking up, I meet her eyes and answer, "No...no. It's fine. Very good
actually."

Smiling she says, "Well, when it comes to knowing about wines, I had a
very good teacher."

Lifting my glass in acknowledgment I toast, "Here's to teaching."


Reaching up, she touches her glass to mine saying, "Here's to the
teacher."

I pause at her comment and watch as she takes a drink, her eyes
catching mine over the rim of her glass. Bringing the wine up to my
lips, my gaze doesn't waver from hers as I too, drink.

Swallowing, I break the look first and let my eyes travel around the
room, taking in its details. It's not a large place, but the vaulted
ceilings give it a spacious feel that I like. There is a small
kitchenette in the corner accompanied by a breakfast nook off to the
right. Scanning back along the wall, I see only one door....presumably
the entrance to the cabin's single bedroom.

This architectural detail reinforces the fact that I shouldn't be
here. It's not safe: not for me, and certainly not for her. I should
leave. I should drink my wine, make my excuses, and leave.

I jump when she lays a hand on my leg.

She laughs at my reaction. "Where were you?" she asks.

"Right here," I answer.

"Now maybe, but you were gone before. I asked you a question," she
says, crossing her leg over the other, the slit in her skirt falling
away to expose more of the tempting skin beneath.

Forcing my eyes away, I focus on a point beyond her shoulder, "I'm
sorry. I was just admiring the cabin. It's simple, but...cozy."

"Yes, it is. Now, back to my question that you didn't hear..."

"You never allow yourself to be distracted, do you?"

She smiles, but her eyes do not reflect it. "Why should I? One can
miss one's chance that way."

I laugh. "And you're not one to miss a chance, are you?"

The smile drops completely now, and again I wonder what it is that is
troubling her so.

Looking down into the depths of her glass, she says, "I've missed
some..."

Her eyes are bright with emotion, but not like before, when she was
laughing. With horror, I realize she is almost in tears.

Sliding closer, I take one of her hands in mine, "Beverly...what is
it? Please..tell me."

Looking up at me,  I can tell she is going to initiate her earlier
refrain.

 "And don't say 'nothing'. It's not nothing. One look at your face
tells me that there is something."

"Do you ever wonder if you could have been somebody different?" she
asks.

The non sequitur confuses me. I'm not sure how to answer. "What do you
mean?"

Removing her hand from mine, she waves it in front of her, trying to
visually represent her meaning.

"Like...what if at some street corner you took a left turn instead of
a right..could you have been somebody different?"

Her line of reasoning escapes me, but I answer, "We could hypothesize
on the 'could have beens' of our lives all night, Beverly. From what I
can see, your life is great. You're beautiful, brilliant and have a
promising career ahead of you, And you have a wonderful marriage with
a man who loves you very much."

Looking away from me, she says something I can't quite hear.

"What?" I ask her.

Looking me in the eye, she repeats what she said, "Not so
wonderful..my marriage is not what you, or anyone else thinks it is."

I am speechless. From all I have seen of them together, and all that
Jack has said, their marriage is..perfect. Hell, I've even accepted it
as a constant in the universe...Beverly and Jack...Jack and
Beverly...always together. I'm not ready for the anarchy this
statement can produce. If accepted, entropy will have no stead, and I
will be sucked in. Captain's mask and control will not be sufficient
armor against it.

"I don't understand," I say.

Sighing, she answers, "What is there to understand? My marriage is not
as wonderful as you think...or more specifically, as Jack would like
you to think. It's about chances, Jean Luc. It's about how I took a
left turn instead of a right one day, and missed my chance."

She stares right at me, her gaze not wavering. I don't want to know
what is in that look. I turn away hoping to keep the truth out. A
sound causes me to look back. She's crying. Her head is lowered, but I
can see tears drop off her face and land on the fabric of her clothes.

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. Leaning over, I take the glass
from her hand, and set both it and mine on the table.  Straightening,
I turn and lean over, enfolding her in my arms. She stiffens in my
embrace, trying to pull back, but I tighten my arms, firmly holding
her against my chest.

Fresh sobs rack her body, and she melts into my hold. Stroking her
back, I whisper little nothings, trying to comfort her. Minutes pass,
and her crying is slowly replaced by an occasional sniffle or hiccup

"I'm sorry," she says, her voice muffled against my chest.

Running my hand over her hair, I say, "There's nothing to be sorry
about."

She leans back in my embrace to look at me, "Yes, there is. I may have
missed my original chance, but that doesn't excuse me from ignoring
subsequent ones. It's about knowing what is around that other corner
after you have bypassed it."

"And what's around that other corner, Beverly?" I ask.

"You."

I feel my artificial heart skip a beat, and am forced to suck in a
breath, struggling for more oxygen. Removing my arms from around her,
I attempt to move away from her. She places a hand on my arm, and her
touch holds me in position.

The sound of blood rushing in my ears partially deafens me and I can
barely hear her as she continues, "I wanted you so much, but you never
looked twice at me. At least, not like I wanted you to. Then there was
Jack, caring and attentive..."

The mention of Jack brings me back to reality. It is time to re-assert
control...put the mask back on. She caught me unaware before, but now
I'm ready.

"And now you're married to Jack..." I say, trying to reinforce her
commitment.

She nods her head slowly, "Yes, I'm married to Jack, but..."

She moves forward, and I'm frozen, unable to move away from her as she
advances. I close my eyes and  feel warmth build as her hands touch,
then move up my chest to thread themselves around the back of my
neck.. I feel her breath as she exhales near my ear.

"...he's not the one," she says in a low voice.

Her statement forces me to act,  I reach up to take her arms from
around my neck. Moving her firmly from me, I say in a strained voice.
"Beverly..."

She brings her eyes up, the desire evident in their blue cores.

"Jean Luc..." she says in a low voice, "the storm's raging outside,
the fire's bright...it's just you and me..."

Opening my mouth to speak, I can't find the words. Frustrated, I
release her from my hold,  bolt off the couch and move towards the
fire...

I feel her come up behind me...her touch on my shoulder inflaming me
more. I grasp at my shattering control, and curse her for doing this
to me. Why now?

Applying pressure, she turns me around to face her. I don't look at
her and carefully avoid her eyes, for in their depths I know I will
see the reflection of what's on my mind.

"Look at me..." she demands.

I turn my head away, but she places her hand on the side of my face,
forcing it forward. Implementing my last defense, I close my eyes.

"Jean Luc..."

The strangled quality of her voice causes me to look. Her face is
right there...her eyes... The pupils dilate even more. She knows.

Closing her eyes, she says, "You feel this too."

A tear squeezes out from behind the closed lids, and my control is
shattered. Grabbing her to me, I bury my face in the side of her neck.
I  hear her gasp, as I trail my mouth up...darting my tongue out I
taste every centimeter of skin until I reach her ear. Grabbing a lobe,
I bite gently.

"Just for tonight...." I say roughly.

"...tonight..yes.." she replies.

No more words...no more hiding...no more secrets. Tonight, she's
mine...and I'll have her. Every inch...every where...The night is not
long enough, and it will have to last a lifetime.

My hands move down her sides, over her hips...I take an extra few
seconds to mold the firm cheeks of her rear. The moan she releases
next to my ear sends a jolt through me, and I clutch
tighter...bringing her against my aching hardness.

She rolls her hips against me...and I shudder. Reaching my right hand
up, I thread it through her hair. Pulling back on it, she opens her
eyes. I stare, mesmerized by her tongue as it darts out to wet her
lips. Moving slowly in, I capture the moisture left on their rosy
surface. She releases a breath into my mouth, and I suck it in...the
sweetness of its moisture intoxicating me further.

Trailing my tongue across her lips, I pressure them for entrance.
Permission is instantly granted as her mouth opens beneath mine. She
tastes like heaven, and I'm eager to consume as much as I can.

Her hands...I feel them...they seem to be everywhere..stroking the
taut muscles of my back, they move downward til they come to my
rear...squeezing hard, she tries to bring me closer against her.

Trying to oblige her need, I put my hand under her right leg. Lifting
it up, I move into the extra space created between her legs. I feel
her lift up higher, pressing in, then lowering down, rubbing herself
on me.

In order to catch my breath, I leave her mouth and rest my head
against the side of her face.

"Jean Luc...God, I..."

Instantly I cover her mouth again, I don't want to hear what she has
to say. If I do, I'll never leave here...I won't let her leave. And
there is only tonight, for there can be no tomorrows..not now...not
ever.

More of her weight is suddenly there, and I realize her knee must be
faltering. Looking down, I notice we are standing on a plush rug laid
out before the fire. In the back of my mind, I think what a cliche it
is, but right now, I'm glad for its presence.

Gripping her tighter, I bend my knees slowly lowering us to the
ground. Beverly lays back, her red hair fanned out in sharp contrast
to the white rug. She looks at me, face flushed with desire. She's so
beautiful I think I may die from wanting her.

"Beautiful...you don't know how much..." I stop myself, gulping down
the lump in my throat along with the forbidden words I kept her from
saying earlier.

Reaching up, she starts to unbutton my shirt. Her hands are swift as
she flawlessly frees me from the cloth. The cool air rushes across my
skin causing it to rise in response. Both her hands slowly come up my
sides, across my ribs, up over my chest where she draws her fingers
through the hair.

Closing my eyes, I savor her touch. I try to catalog every single
sensation she produces in me. I want to feel everything...remember
everything.

Her knee comes up, and rubs the inside of my leg. Opening my eyes, I
see her face with a half smile on it. She's teasing me...I love it.

With a low growl, I maneuver myself down beside her. Threading my
right leg over and between hers, I hike her skirt up as I rub my knee
up and down the juncture of her thighs.

Missing her flavor, I bring my lips to the cream of her neck. Trailing
my right hand up from her hip, over her stomach, I hold her
breast...massaging it. It feels magnificent, and fits perfectly in my
hand.

I smile into the side of her neck as she tries to simultaneously arch
herself onto my hand and knee at the same time.

"Jean Luc!"

The frustration is clear in her voice. Lifting myself up on my left
elbow, I look down at her anxious face. Bringing my right hand up, I
slowly trace her features. My thumb lightly moves over her lips...the
taste of which haunts me even now. Moving to the side, my thumb gives
way to the palm of my hand, as it takes its turn caressing the upward
slope of her cheek

Stroking my thumb across her brow, as my fingers thread through the
hair at her temple, I say, "Patience...let me drink slowly. I won't
spill a drop...I promise."

Rising up on my knees, I lift her leg and position myself between
them. Her mouth opens a little, letting a small sound of surprise
escape. Smiling, I grasp one firm leg, trailing and caressing my way
down to her ankle. I easily slip her shoe off, and place a small kiss
on her instep. Placing that leg down, I proceed to repeat the same
action with the other.

Beverly's movement distracts me as she bends her right leg causing the
fabric to fall away at the split. My eyes follow the line of her limb,
over her knee, up the thicker part of her thigh until my sight reaches
the white lace of her underwear. Her legs jerk a little, widening the
opening that I am observing. Her invitation is clear.

Bending my weight forward, my hand brushes over the route my eyes had
just taken. Instead of going to its final destination, it detours to
the outcropping of her hip. Here, I deftly untie the string that keeps
the skirt on effectively removing it.

I want to take my time...I want to go as slow as possible drawing
every action...every sensation out...but the sight of her spread out
before me makes me eager to taste her offering.  Hooking my thumbs
through the fabric at the hips, I tug the underwear down and off.

Settling down between her legs, I close my eyes and breath deeply of
her scent. It's warm and musky...it's her, and I relish it.

Lightly, I dart my tongue out for a first taste. The action causes
Beverly to jump, and I place a hand on her abdomen holding her to me.
Again, I snake my tongue out, but this time I linger and trace the
curves of her outer folds with lazy strokes.

Moving further and further in, I tease her nub out of the center,
liking and sucking on it. Trying to buck her hips up, I hold her
firmly on my mouth with my hand. I can tell by the sounds she is
making, and the tremor in her muscles that she is close to the edge.

Bringing my hand around from her side, I spread her open wider with my
fingers. I move my mouth away so I can stroke her with my thumb.
Absently, I notice how large my hand looks next to her delicate pink
flesh. Moving lower, I test her entrance with the tip of a finger.
Thrusting her hips down, she is able to put herself onto the first
half of my finger. I'm a little off balance by the action, but her
gyrating hips tell me that she wants more.

Slowly, I begin to push my finger back and forth. The smooth, wet
warmth I find with in her causes me to twitch with anticipation.
Bringing my mouth back down on her, I easily slip a second finger into
her. I hear her make a noise, but am so into what I am doing to
her...for her... to analyze it. Suddenly, her hands are on the back of
my head pushing, and her legs squeeze me. She's coming, and I
intensify my activities holding her against me while I ride the waves
of her pleasure.

As the tremors of her body subside,  I pull away with a last touch to
her with the tip of my tongue. Looking up through the forest of red
curls, I see her head lulled back with her mouth slightly open as her
chest moves up and down to recapture the oxygen it needs.

Moving up on my knees, I take the opportunity to divest myself of the
rest of my clothes. Reaching down to undo the fastener on my pants,
her hand suddenly covers mine.

"Let me..." she says as she moves my hand away.

Entranced, I watch as she unhooks and unseams my pants to the point
where my arousal bulges noticeably. Looking briefly at me, she arches
a mischievous eyebrow whilst darting her tongue quickly across red
lips.

Swallowing hard, I close my eyes as she runs a nail down my chest,
over the outcropping of fabric to where she outlines the shape of me
through my underwear. Shivering, I savor the feel of her touch knowing
that it will have to last me beyond this night where all reason had
left us.

Feeling a soft pressure on my hip and shoulder, I open my eyes to see
that she is trying to maneuver me to a better position. Ceding to her
wish, I lay down on my back bringing her down on top of me as I go.

Her hair falls in a cascade of crimson on either side, locking us into
our own little world of her and me. She reaches up, and lays a gently
hand on my cheek. Closing my eyes, I lean into her caress.

"Oh Beverly..." I begin, but can't finish.

My heart clenches within the confines of this tight chest. I doubt I
can bear it for the pain seems to be endless. Softly, her lips brush
mine bringing me out of some depth that is not mine to inhabit...yet.
That pain is for the morrows I shall dwell in knowing I can't have the
one thing that I want...that I need.

Reaching up, I bring her mouth down hard on mine. In it's depth I
taste all there is to taste in this temporary universe we have
created.

Biting my lower lip briefly, she withdraws and inches down my body.
Looking down my nose, I watch as she rubs her face from side to side
across the hairs on my chest. Each drag of her porcelain cheek sends
shivers across my skin.

She moves all the way to the side where she slowly drags her tongue
across my nipple. This action causes every muscle in my body to
tighten in pleasure. Nibbling at my flesh, she makes her way over to
the other where she repeats her oral torture.

Involuntarily, I clutch at her shoulders trying to indicate that she
is driving me mad with what she is doing. Reaching up, she momentarily
grasps my hand before letting go to move further down. Hooking her
hands in the waistband of my pants, she starts to tug as I lift my
hips to assist her. In a few seconds, the last obstacle of out skin
being in total contact is gone as she tosses my clothes to the side.

With no apparent hesitation, she firmly grasps me in her hand. The
sudden pressure startles me as I let out a small sound. But my
surprise is soon replaced by ecstatic pleasure as she starts to move
her hand slowly up and down the length of me. Closing my eyes, I focus
on the total sensory experience blocking out all other thoughts.

Feeling her shift her position, I crack my eyes open to see her
lowering her head. Realizing what she intends to do, I thread my hand
through her hair. The first warm puff of moist air against me causes
me to lean my head back as I try not to thrust either my hips up, or
press her head down with my hand.

Suddenly, her mouth is on me. A little at first, just the head where
she gently sucks and licks alternately. I tighten my hand in her hair
trying to keep control of myself. She moves more of me into her
mouth...up and down...centimeter by centimeter...I feel a hand stroke
up and down along with the wet trail of her lips and tongue. Faster
here...a little slower there as she tries to go all the way down. I
hear a little gagging sound as she nears the base....it just excites
me more as a thrust up on her retreating throat.

I feel another hand snake its way in between my legs where she gently
cups my testicles. Molding them in between gentle fingers before she
moves further down..running a finger from the base over the perineum
where she applies a steady pressure. The pleasure is so intense I pull
back on the hand I have in her hair bringing her head up.

"Not yet..." I manage to say.

Her eyes are bright as she moves back up my body. Trailing her breasts
across my skin, she maneuvers herself until her entire naked length is
laid upon me. Putting my arms around her, I lay my hands on her bare
bottom and hold her to me tightly. I feel her warm breath against my
ear, but she says nothing.

Quickly, I roll us over so that I am now on top of her. She looks at
me with large blue eyes, the pupils of which are dilated with desire.
Gently, I draw my hand across her cheek and down her neck to her chest
where I trace the outline of her nipple and breast.

"Jean Luc..." she says softly.

I look up.

"Make love to me," she states.

Once again, my heart seizes at her simple request....Make love to me.
Like I could NOT make love to her at this point.

Adjusting my position, I move up between her legs. Taking myself in
hand, I trail the head across her entrance lubricating the tip with
her desire. Moving forward, I enter her just a little before I look
up. I want to see her expression as we meld into one and the same.
Briefly, I consider not continuing with this. I know once I am
through...once I leave her body I will never be whole again. Maybe
it's better to never know completeness, then to have it once never to
have it again.

Looking into her eyes, I know she sees my hesitation. Suddenly, it's
not my thrust, but hers that makes us complete. I gasp at the sudden
warm bliss I am in. Focusing on her face, I see her eyes are open and
looking at me. In their depths, I see the truth of our situation...the
truth of what I can not say to her nor let her say to me. We both
know. But right here...right now..with me in her...and her wrapped
around me body and soul...we are each others.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I start to move. Backing out all the way, then
driving in til I can go no further cause there is no more left of me
to push in. Feeling her inner muscles tighten rhythmically around me,
simulating my thrusting movements, she urges me on to a more frantic
pace.

Threading an arm around each leg, I heft them up so I can thrust even
deeper into her. She is mine, and with each thrust I want to touch her
deeper than any man has. I feel her hands on my back, and a sudden
pain lances through me as she digs her nails into me...marking me.
This extra sensation only enhances the euphoria of what is happening.

Releasing her legs, I lower my body down onto hers. I slip my hands
underneath, cupping her rear up to me in time with my movements. I
feel Beverly's arms move to hold me simultaneously with her legs as
they encircle the lower half of my body entwining with mine.

The intimacy of this closeness...the feel of her all around me..I'm
close..so close, but I hold back..waiting...for her. Please hurry...

Her breath rushes across my ear carrying barely audible words..."love
me"

I crack. The last bit of my control is blasted away by her words, and
I thrust as hard as I can into her as I release all that I am....all
that I will ever be, into her warm embrace.

Through my orgasmic haze, I feel her nails biting into me once again
as her thighs shudder, and her muscles convulse around me.

I see nothing...for my eyes are shut as my head lays on her chest..I
hear nothing..except the wildly pounding heart beneath my ear. I
smell...us. What we have done here...together. I feel..God, I feel...

Finding the strength, I move the few inches over off of her. I drag
her against me while she places her head in the crook of my arm, and
her long leg over my lower half. I say nothing. She says nothing. For
there is only one thing left for us to say, and I have already made it
clear that is not an option.

She looks up at me, and I think she is about to speak. I bring a
finger up to her lips.

"Just for tonight," I tell her.

I try to appear calm, but inside I am terrified. If she says it..if
she decides to break our arrangement...I will be lost.
Please...please....

She closes her eyes in silent agreement then kisses the finger I have
on her lips. Mentally, I sigh, and can't say if I'm relieved or
disappointed. Maybe I was mistaken. Maybe she has no words to say, and
I am deluding myself.

She snuggles further into my embrace. Reaching back, I drag a throw
off the chair and wrap it around us. There is no sound but the
crackling of the fire, and breathing that has returned to normal.

---

We are spooned together, and she has long since fallen asleep. Looking
to the window, I see the gray of the approaching dawn, heralding  the
end of our brief time together. Lovers...just for a night. Is that
all?

Absently, I rub the back of my hand across my eyes, and am surprised
by the moisture there. I have to be strong. If she see this...if I let
her see, she might decide to act.

Propped on an elbow, I look down to see her sleeping face. She's so
beautiful. Reaching out, I barely touch the edges of her red mane
before I withdraw.

"I love you."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I'm horrified,
and yet....

Looking, I see that she has not stirred. I am safe.

Slowly, I extricate myself from her. I know I must leave before she
wakes. If I am forced to view us in the light of day, my recent
unheard verbal confession will surely surface again. Picking my
clothes up, I dress quickly all the while looking to make sure she
remains undisturbed.

Grabbing my coat off the couch, I take one last look at her. She's
mine- if only for the night. I, however, will be hers forever.

Turning, I walk to the door and out. The biting cold of the early
morning assaults me, but I welcome the numbness. Opening the door, I
climb into the rover and start the engines.

Down the mountain I go, never once looking back...for I can not.

--

The End