The BLTS Archive- Broken Angel
by T'Thrill (TThrill1216@aol.com)

---

This story contains explicit m/m sexual encounters and non-consensual
sex scenes. If you are under the age of 18, or these subjects to not
interest you, please do not read.

Disclaimer – Copyright 2002 – T'Thrill

This is an original work of fiction based on Star Trek. The story is
my own, and not used for making any profit. It is not intended to
infringe on the intellectual property rights of Paramount, Viacom, or
any other of their assignees or licensees. The characters are the
property of Paramount and I have made fair, transformative use of
them.

The song, “Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground,” is the property of
Columbia Records, and the same disclaimers apply to this corporation.
The author's copyright only extends to the original material in this
work.

Warnings - hurt/comfort, angst and non-consensual sex

Acknowledgement – My sincere appreciation to Marcee, who was my
sounding board and right arm during the writing of this story. And to
Selek, who is always there to beta for me when I need him. And to the
'Fascinating!' group, who offered suggestions to make this story as
crisp as possible.

---
Chapter 1

If you had not have fallen... then I would not have found you...
Angel flying too close to the ground.

And I patched up your broken wing...  and hung around awhile...
trying to keep your spirits up...  And your fever down.

I knew someday that you would fly away...  for ....  Love's the
greatest healer to be found.  So leave me...if you need to...  I will
still remember...

Angel flying too close to the ground.

So fly on...  fly on past the speed of sound...  I'd rather see you
up...  than see you down.

So leave me...if you need to..  I will still remember...

Angel flying too close to the ground.</I>

The song is "Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground" By Willie Nelson
---

Computer, record.

Doctor's Private Log: Stardate 6723.9

Leonard McCoy, USS Enterprise recording.  Security code...voiceprint
ID...Leonard McCoy...end list.

First, for anyone who ever figures out how to play this, let me tell
you that I'm drunk, quite drunk and before this night's over I plan on
getting much drunker.  Not that anyone'll ever hear it 'cause I plan
to bury this chip so deep that it'll take 'em a thousand years to dig
it up.  But the fact is, I've gotta talk to somebody.  So cheers, my
multi-circuited friend, you're elected.  You're the only one left who
I can talk to about what's going on.

Okay, that's outta the way.  I just wanna say I get it…I finally get
it.  I'm usually not quite this slow at catching on but there's just
some things you don't wanna admit, even to yourself.

You see I've spent the last five years onboard this tub watching his
displays of brilliance, insanity, charm, determination, loyalty, fool
heartiness, humor, recklessness, devotion, and any of a thousand other
narratives I could use to describe him.  I've nursed him through
injuries of both the body and spirit that would've killed most men. 
I've repaired his organs, set his broken bones, sealed his
lacerations, and offered him a drink and a shoulder when all the
gadgets in sickbay wouldn't touch his pain.

I've held him when he's cried, argued with him when he's wrong and
made love to him when he's lonely.  I've seen him through the throes
of fever, depression, excitement, confusion, boredom and passion.
I've seen him give those needing it, a hefty clout on the chin, and
give those in need the proverbial shirt off his back.  But, dammit, I
never thought I'd be around to see the day that Jim Kirk gave up.
Today I had to watch him do just that.

Guess I better start by settin' the record straight.  I love Jim Kirk.
I love him as a brother, as a friend, and as a commander; because God
only knows whether or not we'd be pulling into spacedock tomorrow if
he hadn't been the one in the center seat.  And, yes, I love him as
the lover who'd come to me at those times when your soul just calls
out to be with someone who knows everything about you.

Now don't get me wrong, we never considered settin' up house together
or anything like that, but we always knew we were there for each
other.  Being in the hind-end of space does something funny to you.
It makes you feel cut off from everything and everybody who's ever
been important in your life.  There's an aloneness out here that will
eat away at you, if you let it.

Jim was like that right after his brother and sister-in-law died.
Yeah, we saved the boy, but having to let him off at Starbase 18 to be
sent back to Aurelan's family was rough on him.  He knew damned well
that a ship was no place to keep the kid, and he wouldn't have been
allowed to let him stay here even if he'd wanted to.  But when he had
to turn Peter over to the counselor, he felt like the last tie to the
life he had before had been cut.  That was the first night he came to
me.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  Hard to believe that was
almost four years ago.

I'd been dining on ashes, myself.  We got there too late to save Sam
and although I'd done everything I could think of, Aurelan died too.
Then, if things weren't bad enough, I'd about blinded Spock because I
hadn't taken into consideration that those damned creatures could be
killed using only the ultraviolet bandwidth of light.  If it hadn't
been for that crazy second eyelid, it would've been permanent for
sure.

So, there I was in my cabin, feeling pretty sorry for myself when he
showed up.  He said he wanted something for a headache, but I knew he
wanted someone to talk to.  Otherwise he could've just gone to the
medic on duty, gotten her to give him a pill, and that would've been
the end of it.  No, that night Jim needed a friend.  We both did.

Over a couple of drinks, he started telling me things about himself
that I never knew.  That was the night he told me he had a son and
that the kid's mother didn't want Jim anywhere near him.  He talked
about the many failed relationships in his life and the one person he
thought he could see himself spending the rest of his life with, but
it seemed there was no chance of that happenin'.  I didn't ask him
who; it didn't matter, and the truth be known, maybe I didn't wanna
know.

He talked about his life as a youngster on the farm and the death of
his parents.  He told me about his brother and the life they had
growing up together.  He told me how much he was going to miss him.
Sure, they had completely different lives and didn't get to see much
of each other, but Sam represented all of the things that Jim had
missed.  Not that he didn't love the life he had chosen, but when
things really got bad, he could go for a visit and get a taste of the
family he missed out on having.  Now, except for a nephew he would
probably rarely see, his family was gone.

I remember watching him as he gripped the glass so hard that I thought
he was gonna shatter it.  His knuckles turned white as he fought back
the emotions that were building inside of him.  In the last days he'd
been running on pure adrenaline and now the realization of all he'd
lost was crashing in on him.  He started to stand up and I knew where
he was going; back to the privacy of his cabin to do whatever it is he
always did to pull himself together, alone.

Something made me reach out and grab his arm, stopping him from
leaving.  I pulled him back down beside me on the couch, it wasn't
hard since his resistance was shot, and I put my arms around him. He
buried his head in my neck and I felt a hot tear run down my neck.
It's not that he sobbed, or anything like that; I've only seen him do
that once, but I'll get to that later.

When he finally pulled his head up and looked at me, there was still
sadness in those eyes but there was also something else.  There was a
need that I'd never seen from him before.  Somehow, around the lump of
emotion that seemed caught in his throat, he managed to choke out one
word, "Bones..." It was all he needed to say.  I knew.  I leaned my
head toward him and he met my mouth with his own.

Now, if you'da told me we were gonna end up on my couch kissing and
touching with that kind of intensity, I would'a said you were out of
your ever-lovin' mind!  But that's exactly what happened.  I swear, on
that night, we were two madmen.  Any clothing that wouldn't give
easily got ripped out of the way.  Somehow we ended up on my bunk and
for the next several hours we tried to devour each other.  Damned near
succeeded, too!  I gotta tell ya, there are things that happened that
night that I didn't know I was capable of.  Hell, I've never cum so
many times in my life, and that includes the day I stayed home 'sick'
from school when I was fourteen years old!

Sometime around the middle of the night we fell asleep, or passed out,
I was never quite sure which.  But, in either case, it was like we had
both burned out all that was tearing us apart.  The next morning, when
I was finally able to open my eyes, I saw he was already up and
dressed.  Well, in everything but his gold command shirt, it was lying
in pieces somewhere.  He sat down on the edge of the bed and ran his
fingers down the side of my face.  Reaching for my hand, he pulled it
up and, with a gentleness I didn't know he possessed, kissed it.
"Thanks," he whispered,  "I don't know how I could've gotten through
last night without you."

I just nodded and mumbled something about, "Anytime," or something
like that, and he left.  I knew that he'd be back when he needed me,
or I needed him, but it wasn't going to be a permanent thing between
us, and that was okay.  What we had together was more important than
that.  And that's how it was.  Every month or so, when the pressures
got too bad for either of us, the other would just seem to know and
show up for a night of unrestrained passion.  In the mean time, he had
other lovers and so did I.  That worked for us; that is until we
started this downward spiral that has brought us to where we find
ourselves today.

This whole mess started about two months ago.  That's when the two of
them actually got together, so to speak.  Not that Jim would've ever
told me, but there's some evidence that a doctor just can't miss.
Especially a doctor who knows his patient like I know Jim Kirk.

Maybe I'd better start at the beginning.  We'd been caught-up in a
situation between the Romulans and some of the smaller planets on the
outer rim for several months.  They'd keep busting across this
Goddamned imaginary line some idiot drew out here and we had to stay
in the area trying to keep them on the other side of the Neutral Zone.
It was nothin' more than a damned cat and mouse game.  The whole crew
was on edge, and it seemed like we'd never get away from there.  Jim
knew they must have been settin' up a base of operation, but searching
planet after planet had turned up nothin'.

Then one afternoon, Nyota was able to trace a signal to some hot,
godforsaken rock.  Seems the Romulans were building a communication's
station and planning on settlin' in for a nice, long stay.  Well, with
Spock already looking like one of the devils and me havin' altered Jim
to pass for one once before, it wasn't long before the two of them
were headed down, both sportin' pointed ears and the latest Romulan
garb, to see about putting a halt to their activities.  I was kinda
concerned that Jim would be spotted right off.  Because they were in
such an all-fired hurry, I only had time to add small points to Jim's
ears and didn't take time to arch the eyebrows at all.

They were gone for several days; nearly got themselves captured more
than once. While we were in a dogfight with a Romulan ship that kept
sickbay full for days, they were having to hide out in the caves
because their cover had been blown.  You know, why anyone would think
I can patch people up when they are bouncing the ship all over hell
and half a' Georgia, is a mystery to me.  It's a wonder I didn't lose
several of those patients, but I guess I'm gettin' used to havin' to
aim a surgi-laser with one hand and hold on with the other.  I may
never be able to do surgery on steady ground again!

Okay, back to what I was saying.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Well, by
the time they got back to the ship, they were both pretty beat up.
Nothing serious, just mostly contusions.  Jim had some pretty bad
scrapes on his shoulder and back and some bruises on his legs.  Spock
had a pretty good bump on his head and a couple of bruised ribs, but
neither one had any serious underlying damage.  Jim said one of the
caves they were navigating had collapsed, which accounted for most of
their injuries.  Other than that, they weren't saying much, either to
each other or me.  I didn't give it much thought because they were
both beat.

I treated their injuries and reshaped Jim's ears, which didn't take
but a few minutes because I'd done such small modifications before
they left.  After that, I gave them a couple of hours to clean up,
rest a little, grab somethin' to eat, and then told them to report
back to sickbay.  With the Romulans high-tailin' it back across the
Neutral Zone, it was the excuse I needed for both of them to submit to
their quarterly physicals.  Both were overdue and every time I brought
the subject up, they always found some good reason why they couldn't
give me the hour I needed.  I wasn't going to have my reports
incomplete at the end of the mission and it was coming down to the
wire.  Being the CMO, and in charge of declaring them fit for duty,
does have its advantages every now and then.  I told them that unless
we got this outta the way, neither one of them was ever going to see
the bridge again.  Spock showed back up, but Jim was nowhere around
when the time came.

That was okay.  It gave me the chance to take care of Spock first.
The fact is, I wanted some time to talk to Jim alone.  I knew we were
headed back to Earth in the next few weeks and I wanted to see what he
had heard from Starfleet about reassignments.  Hell, let's be honest,
I was wonderin' what was going to happen between us when this mission
ended.

Anyway, Spock breezed through his exam, but he was about as anxious as
I've ever seen him.  The only thing I noted was that his hormone
levels were somewhat elevated.  Now considering what they'd just come
through, and the fact that it had to be pretty damned stressful, and
the fact that there were times when Spock's constant battle against
his human half often played havoc with the readings, I didn't think
much about it.  But he seemed in a mighty big hurry to get outta
there.

Course, it's not unusual for the crew to need time alone after a
difficult mission to sort things out, and our esteemed Vulcan's no
different.  We all know he needs time to meditate every so often, so I
just chalked up his nervousness to his need to fulfill those Vulcan
rituals of his.  After giving him the 'all-clear' to return to his
cabin, he took off outta sickbay like the preverbal bat outta hell.

I paged Jim in his cabin and he tried to give me the run-around about
needing to file reports and such, and that he would get with me in a
few days.  I don't know why I have to go through this with him every
time, but that man just about has to be unconscious to get him on a
bio-bed.  But this seemed different, like he was fighting it even more
than usual.  After I gave him a few well-placed threats, he relented.
By the time he showed up in sickbay, he had a whole new string of
excuses why this wasn't a good time. But I was ready for him. I wasn't
buying any of his lame excuses and I told him that flat out to his
face.

Now like I say, Jim and I were about as close as two people could be,
and I couldn't figure out why he was fighting me so hard over
something as simple as a physical.  Hell, he'd had one every three
months and had always flown through them with the highest rating of
anyone on the ship.  This time didn't seem like it was going to be any
different.  His blood test was within the normal limits; a little high
on iron and zinc, a trace increase in the amount of copper, but
nothing to be concerned about.  His urine test was normal, the cardiac
fitness test was amazing, and the skeletal scan showed nothing but old
injuries.

We were down to the rectal exam and, considering our history over the
last years, this part usually lead to a little hanky-panky.  I made
sure the door lock couldn't be overridden and asked him to strip down.
I couldn't understand his objections.  After all, it'd only been a
couple'a weeks since we'd been together.  It wasn't a territory I was
unfamiliar with.  I guess it was then that I began to get this nagging
feeling in my gut that there was something seriously wrong, something
he was trying very hard to hide.

Oh, damn, who the hell is this?  Computer pause...

---
Chapter 2


Computer resume.

That was the transport tech here to pick up my gear.  I guess they
want us off the ship as quickly as possible tomorrow.  Seems like my
life has been just a series of endings, but I've gotta tell ya, this
is the hardest one I've ever faced.   How are you supposed to just
walk away from something like this?  Of course, let's face it, I took
this job because it was a limited tour of duty.  Swore I wasn't going
to get involved with these people.  I was gonna spend these five years
patching them up and trying to decide what I wanted to do with the
rest of my life.  Little did I know how they would worm their way into
my very soul.

Even Spock found a part of me I didn't know existed.  I still can't
believe that, without so much as a fare-thee-well, he took off for
Vulcan.  Well, that's not exactly true.  I knew he was leaving.  I
even tried to talk him out of it, but I can't really blame him.
That's one man I never thought I'd see lose it, but they say if you
live long enough and you'll see everything.  That brings me back to
what I was telling you.  Let's see, where was I.

Oh yeah, in the exam room.  Okay, I finally talked Jim outta his
britches and got him to lean over.  I slicked up my fingers.  Sure, I
usually use liquid-glove when I do these exams, but like I told you,
this wasn't just your average crewmember.  Anyway, soon as I inserted
a finger I felt him tense up.  When I moved in a little deeper and
heard a hiss of pain escape from him, I knew something was terribly
wrong.  It wasn't like this was some virgin who'd never had this area
invaded before.

I pulled my finger out and grabbed the scanner.  His rectum was
bloodied and swollen and the tissue was torn both internally and
externally.  Most of the tears were small and could be easily enough
treated, but there were a lot of them.  He'd been fucked, and fucked
hard by someone a lot larger than what he was used to.  My first
thought was that they were captured while down on the planet and
someone had raped him.  It was obvious that whoever did this didn't
take time to prepare him.  But there was none of the usual bruising
around the hips, thighs or groin that you'd expect to find on someone
who's been raped.

I even ran a scan on his wrists and ankles to see if there had been
any ligature marks that I hadn't noticed on the regular exam, but
except for some slight bruising on the underside of each wrist, and
the injuries I had noted earlier, nothing else showed up.  I asked him
who the hell had done this to him and he told me, through gritted
teeth, to mind my own damned business and get it over with.  The way
he was gripping the side of the bed made me think of that night in my
cabin, the first night we were together.  It wasn't too many times
that I'd seen Jim Kirk white-knuckled.

Someone had hurt him, badly, and I had every intention of finding out
who the hell it was!  Jim, on the other hand, was equally determined
to hide whatever it was that had happened.  I pressed a syringe of
anesthetic and skin repair inside of him and scanned to make sure I
had covered all of the cuts.  I put my hand on his back and laid the
scanner aside.  It had told me all it could; the rest would have to
come from him.  "Jim," I asked, "what happened?  Were you captured?
Did one of the Romulans do this to you?  Jim, were you...raped?"

He pushed off the bed with his arms and grabbed a towel and wrapped it
around him.  Now, I'd seen this man naked too many times to count.  We
didn't exactly have a relationship where we were modest around each
other.  He shook his head hard.  "No," he told me, quite emphatically.

So, it wasn't a Romulan who had done this to him, there hadn't been
anyone else on the ship lately, and I knew he wasn't messing around
with the crew – well, me being the one exception.  That only left one
person he'd spent time with lately.  Now, let me tell you that I'd
always wondered what kept the two of them from gettin' together.  I
mean, there's not two other people in the galaxy who blend together
like they do.  The way they fall in step with each other when they
walk the corridors.  The way they can finish each other's sentences.
The small touches that are shared between them.  I mean there are
times that you'd swear they were a breath away from falling into each
other's arms.  But I know damned well it's never happened.  I think
most have just assumed that it's because neither one are interested in
men.  Little do they know what Jim and I do every so often.  Or, that
the seven-year thing we found out about Spock keeps him from desiring
anyone, in that way, between the times he has to go to Vulcan.

But could Spock be the one who'd been at him?  He was the only person
Jim had spent the last few days with.  I just couldn't believe that
Spock, one of the gentlest beings I've ever known--though irritating
as hell--could be capable of the kind of damage I saw.  Jim was
looking at me like a deer caught in the headlights and I couldn't even
put into words what I was thinking.  Somehow my lips managed to form
the word and I think I breathed, more than said, the name, "Spock?"

He stumbled backwards a couple of steps.  I swear if he'd been dressed
he would have turned tail and run outta there.  He stared at me, his
arms stiff at his side, his hands clenched into tight fists.  "Leave
it alone, Bones," was all he told me.  As if his legs wouldn't hold
his weight any longer, he took the couple of steps back to the desk
chair and sat, no - more like fell, down into it.  I noticed him wince
and he gripped the edge of the table as if to steady himself.
Obviously the anesthetic hadn't taken full effect yet.  Resting his
elbows on his knees, he balled his fists and pressed his head against
them.

I wasn't lettin' go of this, no matter how tightlipped he wanted to
be.  I walked over to him and knelt down in front of him, maybe
because I wasn't trusting my own balance at that moment.  I just kept
pushing him by asking, "Jim, answer me.  Did Spock do this to you?
Did you...consent...to this?"  I knew it was Spock; sure as I knew my
own name, but I had to know, I had to know if Spock had...had raped
him.  God, even now I can barely say it.

He shook his head from side to side, indicating a "No," but his words
didn't sound so convincing.  "Just leave it alone.  Nothing happened
that I didn't ask for," he snapped.

"Ask for!" I blurted out, not believing what I was hearing.  "Jim,
your ass is torn up!  No one asks for this kind of abuse!"  There was
no way I was going to let him protect a rapist, no matter who it was.

He dropped his fists, raised his head and looked me square in the eyes
and said, "I did.  I did everything but offer myself on a plate to
him."

I couldn't believe the coldness I saw in those eyes.  What the hell
had happened down there?  I stood up and got his trousers and handed
them to him.  Let me tell you, Jim Kirk's not a man who's
self-conscious about his body.  Hell, I've seen him strip down to his
skivvies and change in the turbolift when need be, and not think a
damned thing about who was in there with him.  But to see him turn
away and slip his clothes on, almost shy, like he was trying to hide
from sight, well, it just about broke my heart.

I gave him the privacy he needed and told him I'd be waiting in my
office.  I knew it was a risk.  I knew he could'a just as well marched
outta there and not tell me what happened and there wouldn't be a
thing I could do about it.  But in a couple of minutes, he rounded the
corner.

When offered a seat he took the couch--the padded couch.  I could
understand why.  I poured him some of the stuff Scotty had given me on
my last birthday.  It packed more of a punch than straight bourbon and
that's what he needed just then.  I took the desk chair and for the
next two hours, maybe more, just listened to a story that if I hadn't
seen the evidence for myself, I'd 'uv never believed it.

Seems the first couple of days went better than they could have
expected.  They were able to infiltrate the camp by blending into a
pretty good-sized task force that'd been scouting alternative sites
for some of the equipment the Romulans were installing.  They fell in
with them and, when the time came, just marched right through the
security shield like they were meant to be there.  Between Spock's
rudimentary understanding of the Romulan language and the universal
translator Jim had concealed in his uniform, they managed to stay
outta trouble, for the most part.

Seems they did have one close call when a Romulan security officer
cornered Jim someplace he wasn't suppose'ta be and the words he was
using wasn't anything recognized by the translator.  But Spock was
able to calm the guard and reassure him that they had been ordered
there, right before putting him out for a few hours with that Vulcan
nerve-pinch thing.

Jim said Spock really seemed to overreact to that situation.  Hell,
they'd been in tight spots before, but after Spock had the man
unconscious, Jim had to stop him from breaking the Romulan's neck.
Spock's not a man who kills anyone unless it's absolutely necessary;
not that you wanna cross him, 'cause in the line of duty he'll do
whatever's necessary.  Anyway, after that, they stayed outta sight and
were able to locate the main computer.  Spock fed some kinda massive
virus into it.  That's one computer that'll never again do anything
more than hum to itself, I'll tell you!

By the time they'd accomplished all they were there to do, we were
pretty busy up here dealing with a couple'a enemy ships of our own.
Dropping the shields to beam them up was out of the question.  They
were stranded, right in the middle of about a thousand Romulans.
Seems the security guard had regained consciousness and announced
there were intruders, so the camp was being turned upside down looking
for them.  They knew their only chance was to make it outside and hide
deep inside the caves near where they had landed the day before.  What
provisions they had brought with them had been left in packs in the
mouth of one cave.  They figured they could be in for a long haul and
would need to get back to their supplies.  Spock managed to disarm a
section of the security shield and they fled the camp with the
Romulans right on their heels.  Must have been one hell of a battle,
but somehow they managed to get away.

By that time, we'd had to pull back outta transport range and even the
communications link was gettin' shaky.  Jim told Scotty that keepin'
the ship in one piece was his sole duty and assured his chief engineer
that he and Spock would be fine.  They agreed to attempt contact very
twenty-four hours and then Jim ended all transmissions so they
couldn't be traced.  Now this planet wasn't any vacation spot.  It was
hot and the terrain was made up mostly of steep, rocky, volcanic
cliffs.  By the time they made it back to their provisions, they were
tired and dirty and, even though Jim wouldn't tell me so, I think he
was dehydrated.  He did say he took a couple of the water-tabs and
drank enough to keep him thinking clearly; but Spock refused to drink
any of the water rations.

After catching their breath, they headed back into one of the tunnels
to hide out.  Spock was able to get a vague fix on the underground
layout with the tricorder and they headed toward one of the caverns he
had located.  About two kilometers in, they hit an area where the
sides were comprised of nothing more stable than small, loose stones
and when they brushed against the wall, it all came tumbling down on
top of them.  Jim said Spock was a few steps ahead of him and caught
the worst of it.  The larger rocks were raining down as they dug
themselves out, but they were able to get free before the route closed
completely.  That explained most of the injuries I had seen on their
exams, at least as far as the bump on Spock's head and the contusions
to Jim's shoulder went.

Jim said Spock seemed dazed for a couple of minutes, but swore he was
okay.  After making sure they were still all in one piece, they looked
around for Spock's pack and realized it, along with what was left of
their water supply, was buried under the debris.  Taking stock, they
found they still had one pack with food, the tricorder, one
communicator, the light sticks and Jim's phaser, which still held half
a charge.  With the heat really getting to him, not to mention the
energy and sweat they had expelled digging themselves out, Jim knew if
they didn't find a source of water soon, they weren't going to make
it.

Spock powered up the tricorder but it wasn't reading too well from
deep inside the cave.  He said he had located what may be another
cavern off in a different direction, so they tried again.  It took
them almost three hours to navigate their way to the new site, all the
while having to watch out for unstable tunnels.  On top of that, Spock
had become increasingly quiet and Jim was beginning to worry that he'd
been hurt worse than he was letting on.  That damned Vulcan's like
that!  He'd have to be near dead to admit anything was the matter.

Anyway, they did find the small room.  Jim immediately began to
explore and when he found an offshoot with a small pool of water, he
was ecstatic.  He turned to tell Spock and saw him lying on the
ground.  When he got to him, Spock was shaking and his skin was cool
and clammy to the touch.  Now Jim said he didn't know if it was the
head injury or if Spock had some internal damage or if he was just
suffering from the effects of the planet.  But he was in bad shape and
with no medical scanner he just had to guess at what to do.  He tried
to spread the cape from Spock's uniform under him, and took his own
and spread over him.

When Spock stopped shaking, he took a container from the one pack they
had left and went back to the pool.  Locating the source of the water,
he collected some but couldn't tell if it was going to be drinkable.
He tried using the tricorder on it, but the minerals, high in iron and
zinc, were so skewed by their surroundings that he couldn't tell if it
was toxic or not.  Said he decided there was only one way to find out,
so he took a big swig.

Evidently it was warm and tasted heavy with natural elements, but
didn't seem to have any adverse affects.  By raising Spock's head, Jim
was able to get him to drink quite a bit.  Of course that stubborn
Vulcan hadn't taken any of the water tabs, or drunk any of their water
supply, and even a Vulcan can only go so long without liquid.  Well,
Jim said after a few minutes he seemed to improve, at least the
shaking stopped completely and he appeared more lucid.

Okay, hold right there. That seems to be the end of that bottle.  I
know I've got another one stashed around here somewhere.  Where is it?
Ah...there you are.  Shit, I packed my bottle opener in my bag!
Scotty!  Yeah, I know Scotty has one!

Computer pause.

---
Chapter 3


Computer resume recording.

Scotty wanted me to stay and drink the night away with him.  I guess
he's having as hard a time with this as anybody, but I just couldn't
hang out with him and hear him bemoan the fact that his precious
"bairns" were about to have their guts ripped out.  So I made my
excuses.  Sometimes it's just better to be alone.  Oh, sorry.  Alone
with your computer, I mean.

Okay, let's see…so they're in the cave and Spock is coming around.
Jim said his color was looking better and he had flung off the cloak
that he had put over him, but he still wasn't responding with anything
much more than one-word answers.  Jim said he seemed tired more than
anything else.  But Jim figured Spock was just exhausted.  Apparently
Jim had been able to catch a few winks while they were holed up in the
Romulan camp, although Spock insisted on staying alert.

After a while, Jim mixed up some of the noodles in one of the pouches
and warmed it over a rock he'd heated with the phaser.  He ate some of
it, bad as it was, to try to keep his strength up.  During one of the
periods when Spock was awake, Jim tried to get him to eat, but Spock
wouldn't, sayin' he wasn't hungry.  It wasn't long before the Vulcan
was asleep again.  All this sleeping kinda worried Jim.  Not wanting
to fall asleep in case Spock took a turn for the worse, he propped
himself against a rock and kept an eye on him.  Jim said Spock would
rouse for a few minutes, sit up and drink some of the water, but be
out again in no time.

Guess it was during one of these sleep periods that Jim began to
notice Spock's package.  Now sure, we all get erections when we're
asleep, and Jim damned well knows it, but he said this was pretty hard
to ignore.  I can just imagine.  I saw the way those damned Romulan
pants fit.  Hell, they couldn't have been any tighter if the damned
things had been painted on.  They sure don't leave any doubts about
how well you're hung, if you get my drift.  And, being Spock's
physician, I know for a fact he wasn't exactly hiding behind the door
when they were handing out equipment.

Well, I guess the view was a nice one and Jim began to let his
imagination run away with him.  He started thinking of all sorts of
things he'd never allowed himself to seriously consider before.  Well,
at least not with Spock in the same room.  He admitted to me--right
there, unashamed--that he had developed deep feelings for the Vulcan
from the beginning and had thought about approaching him from time to
time. He told me that Spock had never seemed interested in a sexual
relationship so he never took things to the next step.

Guess that's when I realized just who it was that Jim had spoken of in
my cabin all those years ago.  Not that it came as any big surprise,
I'd always suspected as much.  Anyway, sittin' there watching the
object of his secret affection gettin' aroused, he must'a got himself
pretty worked up.  But, hell, a little sexual fantasy never hurt
anybody, right?  I mean, they had a lot of empty time to kill down
there.  And it's not like he did anything about it.  He just shook off
the urge.  But when he looked back up towards Spock's face, his eyes
were open...looking right at him!

Jim was pretty embarrassed to be caught staring at Spock's goods like
that.  Anyway, he hopped up and started busying himself with the
supplies.  By this time Spock was sitting up and looking like he was
going to be okay.  He asked Spock if he felt like trying any of the
food packs, but he still refused.  Jim said he couldn't much blame
him; starving was almost a better option.

Figuring that Spock didn't need anyone hovering over him, Jim decided
to try out the pool of water to get some of the grime off.  Hell, he
probably needed to get away from Spock for a while, y'know, at least
until he could cool off a bit.  Anyway, he walked to the edge of the
pool and began to strip off his clothes.  Said he'd thrown his tunic
on the ground and was just about to shed his trousers when a thought
occurred to him.

If Spock was aroused while he was wide-awake, just maybe their minds
were running in the same direction.  Now I gotta tell ya, there's very
few men I've ever run across that can turn me on just by stripping off
their clothes, but watching Jim Kirk get undressed is just about as
pleasing a sight as I've ever seen.  Hell, he's almost made me cum
just by getting outta his uniform.  He didn't say so, but I've gotta
feeling he put everything he had into getting out of his pants.  That
man could make a Goddamned bulkhead horny!

When he finally got in the water, he realized the bottom wasn't all
that deep, but it was deep enough to float and bathe in.  At some
point, he dared to look back at Spock and sure enough, he was sitting
up taking in the whole damned show!  Jim said that he knew right then,
that if he had anything to say about it, before the evening was over
he was going to curl up next to one hot Vulcan.

Feeling as clean as possible under the circumstances, he got out of
the pool, shook the water off best he could and gathered up his
clothes.  He saw no need in getting redressed right then, not till
he'd dried out anyway.  Like I was telling you, I can believe this.
Jim has never been what you'd call modest.  So, he walked back to
where Spock was propped up, spread out the clothes and sat down on
them.  Now, I've seen Jim in action more times than I'd care to count
and his powers of seduction are formidable.  Once he has his mind set
on ya, there's just something he can do that can turn even the most
tenacious to oatmeal.  So I can just imagine what he was doing; the
way he can look at ya through those damned eyelashes, and those hips
ought to be declared an illegal weapon!

Anyway, back to the story.  He said he told Spock the water felt good
if he wanted to rinse off.  Spock nodded and rose to go toward the
pool.  Jim noticed that when Spock got up, he seemed every bit as
aroused as he had earlier.  He watched the Vulcan the whole while as
he unceremoniously shed his uniform and stepped into the water.  The
thought occurred to him to join him in there, but decided to just wait
and see what happened when Spock returned.

Said he laid back, closed his eyes, and started considering some of
the possibilities.  Knowing this man as well as I do, I'm pretty sure
he was stroking himself, but I didn't ask.  He said he was wondering
why he hadn't considered approaching Spock about a relationship before
this.  But, then again, Spock had never given any indication that he
was interested in anything more than friendship.  Hell, in reality he
still hadn't!  Being aroused is one thing, taking it to a physical
stage is something else entirely.

Jim hadn't heard Spock leave the water, but when he opened his eyes,
there the Vulcan was, standing at his feet and watching his every
move.  Jim said Spock's condition hadn't changed, and even more than
that, there seemed to be a fire in those eyes that left no doubt about
what was going to transpire between them.  Jim said he moved in a way
to give Spock an open invitation to lay down with him.  Spock knelt
down between his legs and Jim reached to pull him to him, but
evidently the Vulcan had other ideas.

Without so much as a 'hello, don't mind if I do,' Spock grasped his
calves, hoisted them to his shoulders, and centered his cock to Jim's
rectum.  Jim said he tried to protest, but before he could even get
the word, "Wait" out, he was impaled.  God, the pain he musta felt at
that moment is unimaginable.  He said it seared him to his very core,
even to the point that he found it hard to breathe.

Spock released his legs and covered him.  Jim said he tried to scream
out, but Spock clamped his mouth down on top of his in a brutal kiss.
He tried to push Spock off, hit him so hard in the sides that he
thought for sure he had broken the Vulcan's ribs, but even that was no
deterrent.  Before he could land another blow, he found his wrists
being held above his head by one of Spock's hands.  Guess all he could
do was lay there and take it.  He did say that after a couple of
minutes he, mercifully, felt a slickness forming.  He didn't want to
think about it being his own blood that was greasing the path, but he
knew that it was.

When he told me that, I watched the shudder that ran through him.  It
was all I could do to sit in that chair and listen to what happened.
I wanted to get up and run away.  I didn't know how much more I could
stand to hear.  But the story was pouring out in a rush, and I knew he
had to get it outta his system.  God knows there wasn't anyone else on
the ship he could tell this to!  So, I told him it was "okay," and he
continued.

Spock still had his mouth covered so the only air Jim could get into
his lungs was what he could suck in through his nostrils.  He's pretty
sure he passed out 'cause the next thing he knew, Spock wasn't
restraining his hands any longer and he had his fingers on Jim's meld
points.  Jim didn't remember Spock entering his mind, but he knew this
wasn't like any of the melds he'd had with him before.  This time he
was paralyzed.  Said he couldn't have moved even if he had wanted to.

Jim said it was like Spock had taken over his body and all its
functions; breathing, moving, even his heart beating was under Spock's
control.  The only thing that still felt like his own was his mind,
but even his thoughts seemed to echo within Spock.  Even then, through
the meld, he tried to tell Spock to stop, but he was met with only a
wall of his own pain and Spock's need and lust that had to be
quenched.  There was no reaching him on any level.

And, as much as his own thoughts were flowing to Spock, he realized
that if he concentrated, he could hear Spock in his own mind.  It was
more than that; as best as he could explain it, it was as if Spock
existed through him.  He found himself falling into this consciousness
that was inside of him.  He could feel every sensation that Spock was
feeling.  He was surprised to find that Spock was hurtin' too.  That
his groin felt like it was on fire.  But this was only one of a
thousand sensations flowing through the Vulcan.

He said he kept getting this Vulcan word, I can't for the life of me
remember how to pronounce it, but he knew it meant a "blood bond" that
must be created between them.  He also knew that some part of Spock
was elated to have his organ embedded inside of the very person he had
desired and been unable to approach since their first days together.
He felt the ecstasy that comes with sexual gratification when you are
finally with the one person you've wanted with all of your being.  He
also knew, without a doubt, that this was Spock's first time.

Somewhere during this discovery, Jim was able to forget about his own
pain and begin to respond.  Everything seemed like it was gonna be
okay.  Yeah, he was gonna be sore as the dickens, but by focusing on
Spock, the result was going to be enjoyable. 

Well, sir, that's about as long as any thoughts of pleasure lasted.
Next thing he knew, it felt like a Goddamned volcano had erupted
inside of him.  I guess when that hot semen hit those open
lacerations, it must have just about killed him!

Jim said once he was freed, he rolled over on his side, pulled his
knees up, and tried to mentally control the blistering pain that
radiated from inside of him.  He has no idea how long he lay there,
may have been just'a couple a' minutes, but he doesn't know for sure.
Time didn't have any meaning right then.

Spock picked Jim up and carried him to the pool.  Evidently with great
care, he lowered Jim into the water and washed him.  When the water
hit his back, he knew that his back was scraped all to hell from the
rocky ground where he had been taken.  It burned, but nothing like the
fingers that proceeded to bathe him…elsewhere.  But, he had to admit,
once the initial pain from the water had subsided, it did feel
somewhat soothing.

Of course I could've told him why it helped.  It was the high zinc
level.  It was the same reason Jim's blood showed elevated levels
after drinking the water, the same substance that was used in soothing
ointments for centuries.  But, I figured he didn't need a medical
lesson right then, so I stayed quiet and let him talk.

Spock lifted him out of the water and put him down.  It was all he
could do to support himself on his own feet.  He made it back to where
the clothes were and, as much as he was able, he spread them out and
lay down.  He said he fell asleep almost immediately.  I guess his
mind was just trying to clamp down on what had happened.  The brain's
a funny thing, like that.  Has a way of shuttin' off when there are
things goin' on that you don't wanna deal with.

When he woke up, he felt a body against him.  He said he tried to roll
away, but found himself held tight by the Vulcan's arms.  He could
feel Spock against him and thought he was about to be invaded again.
He said he tried to scream, but his throat was dry, so the best he
could do was to grate out somethin' like, "Goddammit, Spock!  Don't
touch me!  I'm ripped to pieces!"

Evidently that did the trick because Spock released him and Jim rolled
away from him, getting as far away as the small cave allowed.  He was
afraid that Spock was going to chase him down, but he made no move
toward him.  Jim said Spock sat up on the mat, crossed his legs, and
lowered his head.  When he began to speak, Jim had to strain to hear
what he was saying.  Spock told him he was sorry.  That he thought Jim
understood that it had to be this way.

Jim asked him what way, what the hell he was talking about.

Spock told him that since Jim had participated in many such
encounters, that had he prepared him, there would have been no blood
exchange, no bonding, between them.

Jim said he asked what Spock he meant by "many such encounters," and
what the hell he meant by a "bonding?"

Well sir, by Jim offering himself up the way he did, he gave Spock the
idea that he was ready to be his bondmate, something Spock had
secretly desired all along. Spock told him that sexual activity was
not something Vulcans engage in until they are ready to be bonded for
the first time.  Seems that to be bonded, not only must there be a
meld, but there must be an exchange of blood; a blood oath, to each
other.

Well, little did we know that when we've had to meld with Spock over
these years, he was picking up on what was goin' on between Jim and
me.  Spock had known all along about mine and Jim's little
arrangement, and knew it wouldn't achieve the desired results if he
had taken it easy on him, like it would have if he was bonding himself
to a male who'd never had anal intercourse before.  I guess it's just
not the same unless you can split your partner wide open!  On top of
that, Spock told Jim that now that they were bonded, his association
with me would have to stop.

Beyond the shock at hearing all this, it pissed me off that Spock was
telling Jim who he could and couldn't be with.  I'd never fooled
myself into thinking Jim was going to be with me forever, but I sure
as hell didn't think it was that damned Vulcan's business what Jim and
I choose to do!

Anyway, I have no doubt that Jim could've handled the next hours
better.  Never have seen a man so determined not to be backed into a
corner.  He let Spock know in no uncertain terms that sex, normal sex,
was one thing, but he wasn't ready to let himself get tied down to any
one person.  Spock pulled back into his most Vulcan self, and kept
telling Jim that what was done, was done.  Said he kept muttering some
Vulcan term, "Kalith or Kaiidth," or something like that, which in
Standard must mean, "Too fucking bad!"

Well, the first twenty-four hour period came and went, but we were
still out of range of even the communicators at that time, so they
were stuck down there for another day.  Spock barely moved from the
makeshift mat, and Jim wasn't sure how to handle the whole mess.  It
sounds like Spock was suffering from some degree of pon farr and was
going through a pretty tough time.  Jim said he spent that first night
just royally pissed.  But, after so long of watching the man who had
been his friend these many years, doing nothing more than holding his
middle and rocking back in forth like he was going through agony, Jim
knew that whatever else had happened, he had to help him.

I'm sure Jim was afraid to approach him.  Sure, under normal
circumstances, Jim can hold his own against Spock on a wrestling mat,
but you mix in those damned ancient Vulcan urges, and you get one
powerful being!  Jim said he knew he couldn't stand for Spock to fuck
him again, but over the next hours they worked it out so he could help
Spock relieve some of what he was going through.  I didn't ask what,
and he didn't expand, but it didn't take much imagination to figure
out why Jim had higher-than-normal trace elements of copper on his
exam, especially considerin' Spock's biological system is copper
based.

Late onto the second day of their seclusion, Spock seemed to pull out
of it.  Jim said he once again became very quiet, and meditated on and
off.  Jim said he just sat and watched him.  He said he still hurt,
but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been, well, except for one time
he had slipped into one of the distant tunnels to answer the call of
nature, and it about tore him apart.  Said he noticed he was bleeding
again, and spent a couple of hours soaking in the pool of water.

It was in these hours of watching Spock that Jim really began to think
about what had transpired between them.  Began to realize he had been
putting off signals to let Spock know he'd be willing for a long time,
maybe since the beginning.  He knew from the meld that these feelings
were nothing new on Spock's part.  Jim said he thought about the small
touches that had always seemed so natural between them, even though he
knew Vulcans didn't like to be touched.  He said he started to realize
just how important Spock was to him, how much he really did care for
him.

But the burning inside, and the buzzing in his head, which he was now
understanding was the bond that had formed, reminded him of the
viciousness of the way he had been taken, claimed, by Spock.  And the
tenderness he would start to feel for Spock would quickly turned to
anger.

And so it went, Jim wrestling with his emotions until the time came to
try to contact the ship.  By that time, we were back in range.  Scotty
told Jim the planet had been evacuated and the Romulans were headed
toward home.  Jim gave Scotty the coordinates for the cave entrance
and told him they would be there in two hours.  They dressed, gathered
their supplies, and made their way out toward the entrance in silence.
During this time, Jim had made a decision.  When they reached the
mouth of the cave, he told Spock that no one would ever know what had
happened between them.  He told Spock that whatever it took they were
going to break this bond and, until that could be accomplished, Spock
was to say nothing.  Of course, he hadn't taken into consideration
that I would order complete physicals for the both of them.

He said Spock nodded his consent.  Jim contacted the ship and they
were beamed aboard with no one being the wiser about what had
transpired down there.

Now personally, I could see this from both sides.  Yeah, Spock
should'a told Jim what he was in for.  But there's no doubt that Jim
used all of that damned sexual energy he carries around to encourage
Spock.  And our Vulcan friend just assumed that Jim knew what he was
committing to.  No, Spock hadn't raped him, not in the strictest sense
of the term.  Hell, I guess if the truth be known, he'd married him!

But I also knew that Jim had gotten himself into something way over
his head.  And he was scared, scared as I've ever seen him.  Scared
that someone he trusted was capable of that kinda violence, scared
about what being bonded to Spock meant.  And, I think, he was scared
that maybe, just maybe, he was feeling things that he'd never prepared
himself to feel toward another person.

I need ice.  Dammit!  They've powered down the replicators!  There's
gotta be ice around here somewhere.

Computer pause.

---
Chapter 4


Computer resume.

Okay, I'm set for the night.  I have enough ice to sink the Goddamned
Titanic.  Well, I might as well tell ya the rest of it.  It's been two
months of hell around here!

After Jim finished, he just sat there, looking like a man who's had
his last emotion drained from him.  Hell, I didn't know what to say to
him.  First time I can remember when I was at a loss for words.

I told him the first order of business was rest.  That I was going to
put the both on them on the inactive list for twenty-four hours and I
didn't want any argument.  And I told him to stay away from Spock
until this mess was straightened out.  I didn't know how this bond was
going to affect Spock, and until I had some answers, I didn't want him
to take any chances on reopening those wounds.

Well, I should'a known that Jim Kirk would do as he damned well
pleased!  I found out later that he stayed in his cabin exactly two
hours before he was beatin' down Spock's door.  While I'm up to my
ears in the computer bank trying to sort out what this bond meant, and
if there was anyway to break it, he's in Spock's cabin demanding
answers.  There was one other thing he'd decided he needed to tell
Spock, too.  That he wanted him to share his life, and his bed.

To Jim's surprise, Spock didn't welcome this change of heart.  He
would only refer to him as "Captain," and stated that Jim had been
right.  That his actions were deplorable.  He stated he wished to
present himself on charges of sodomizing a superior officer.

Jim told Spock he would have a hard time proving anything because he
was the superior officer in question, and would testify that it was a
mutual act.

Now, how'd I find out about this?  Well, I had come across some
reference to the capabilities of these people called Kolinahrus.
Seems they have all sorts of talents, including the dissolution of
Vulcan marriages.  I had to assume that meant the bond that existed
between partners, as well.  But the information was vague and since I
already knew all about what'd happened, I thought it was high time
that I go see Spock. 

When Jim turned around and saw me standing there, he looked just about
like the kid whose hand has been caught in the cookie jar.  He asked
me what the hell I was doing there.  I could'a asked him the same
question.

"I need to talk to Spock, alone," I told him. "I think I ordered you
to your cabin for rest."  Yeah, it pissed me off that he did exactly
what I told him not to do.  I continued, "Now, Captain, sir, if you'll
excuse us, I wanna talk to Spock."

He tried to protest.  "Bones," he said in that way he does when he's
trying to get around me.  But I was having no part of it.  He'd sunk
me right in the middle of this and, dammit, I was going to handle it
the way I saw fit.   Besides, they both needed some time apart, time
to sort out exactly what had happened between them.  Jim may have been
thrown into this, but Spock had some say-so about this too, and it was
up to me to see he got it.  There was more than one man hurting here;
the look in the Vulcan's eyes proved that.

Jim, seeing I meant business, walked toward the door, but before he
left, he turned and said to Spock, "Don't make any decisions before we
talk.  Promise me that, will you?"

I looked toward Spock to see him nod and respond with, "I shall grant
you that request, Captain."  Damn, he was so formal!  He only gets
like that when he's holding on by a thread.  I'd been around him
enough to know that.

Jim left and the door slid closed, leaving us alone.  I didn't even
know where to start.  Luckily, Spock got the conversation started
with, "Doctor, I believe we completed all that was necessary, earlier.
I wish to be left alone."

Well, although he was tryin' to get me to leave, it gave me the
opening I needed.  I decided it was time to dive right in before he
could throw me out.  I held my ground, and said, "Spock, I know what
went on down there.  Now don't blame Jim.  He couldn't disguise the
injuries he's suffered.  The rest, well, he told me because I was
assuming the worst.  Spock, we've gotta talk about this."

Talking about what had gone on was not something Spock was willing to
do.  But who could blame him?  I told him that I was there not only as
a doctor, but as a friend.  I can't remember the exact words I used,
but I told him that I'd overheard most of what Jim had said, and that
it sounded to me like Jim may be warming up to the idea of a
relationship between them.

I was hoping that he would relax a little, but he didn't move a
muscle.  Stood there rigid as a statue.  I didn't understand why he
wasn't glad that Jim wanted him, but it sure didn't seem to bring him
any comfort.  But, he hadn't tossed me into the corridor, yet, so I
just kept pushing on.  I asked him about this thing called a "blood
oath," and why had he felt the need to injure Jim in such a way.  That
got his attention, let me tell you.

The look in his eyes scared the shit outta me!  He told me I was
speaking about something that was never revealed except between bonded
couples, and I should not mention it again.

Now, it really pissed me off to have him stand there and talk about
all this Vulcan hocus-pocus, like I had no business approaching the
subject.  Told him so, too!  I told him that I was involved.  I'd been
the one who'd had to treat Jim after he'd been at him.  That seemed to
take him down a mite.  And while I was on a roll, I added that if he'd
ever opened up the tiniest bit about all this stuff associated with
his heritage, not to mention his biology, that some of this could've
been avoided.  I told him that as CMO, it was my responsibility to see
that this crew ran at top efficiency and that I had serious doubts
about not only the captain, but also the second in command!  I told
him that like it or not, I was involved, right up to my neck!

He nodded, slightly.  "I agree, Doctor," he finally replied.  "Your
argument is a logical, albeit emotional, one.  I will cooperate," he
stated, and I could see his shoulders relax under the uniform.

I followed him as he turned and walked toward the long bench that
occupied the center of the room.  He sat down, perched stiffly on the
edge, and I turned the desk chair around so I could face him.

"Spock," I started, "what happened down there?  Why now?"

He said that not long after landing on the planet, he began to feel
something very much like the effects of pon farr.  At first, he
thought it was brought on by the heat of the planet, very nearly that
of Vulcan.  But he soon realized the reason he was affected was
because the mission, and his time with Jim, was coming to an end.  He
said that when the Romulan guard discovered them, what the guard was
saying to Jim enflamed his ancient Vulcan urges.  Seems that by Jim
having the fair features and muted characteristics, the smaller than
usual ears and no upsweep to his eyebrows, this made him quite
attractive to the Romulan.  These features are considered effeminate
among Romulans, something the guard wished to capitalize on, and the
suggestions he was making were quite inappropriate.  He knew if Jim
had not stopped him, he would have surely killed the guard and that it
would not have been from duty but from a shameful display of jealousy.

He told me that in the next hours he felt the fires raging within him
and fought to keep them at bay.   During the time of their escape, and
the battle that ensued, he thought he had managed to control the
urges.  By the time they arrived back at the cave that held their
supplies, he was sure he was once again under control.  As part of the
cleansing process after such an emotional outburst, he had refused all
drink or food.  It seems that a fast is part of the recuperative
process that Vulcans must endure when the mind is centered on
repressing emotions.

However, the accident in the cave, and the injuries suffered because
of it, left him with little protection against the fever that was
still burning within him.  When Jim lifted his head and gave him
water, he could feel the emotions directed toward him through the
touch.  What he could feel from Jim was beyond the normal caring and
concern for an injured crewmember.  It was those same feelings he had
felt from him before, the same feelings he, himself, had fought
against since Jim had first reported to the ship.  When Jim made it
obvious that he was welcome to make love to him, Spock believed Jim
had decided that he wanted to become his bondmate.

"But, Spock," I asked him, "didn't you realize that to take him in
such a vicious manner would injure him, alienate him?"

I'll never forget the way he looked at me when he replied, "I was not
his first.  And since your intercourse with him is frequent, there was
no other alternative.  I had to take him in a way that would seal our
bond."  God, his expression had turned to steel.  There was somethin'
about the way those dark eyes had turned cold as ice that made me
think he was blaming all this on me!  Like he'd been so brutal 'cause
he was tryin' to burn the memory of me outta Jim's mind!  

Well, this wasn't the time to get into an argument with Spock over
Jim, even if Jim had been my primary lover for the last four years.
Somethin' that I felt wasn't any of his business.  So I decided to
ignore the reference to my relationship to Jim.  After all, this was
not the issue at the time.

And I still wasn't clear on the reason for the brutality or what this
blood-thing was all about  "I don't understand this blood bond.  Can
you explain that to me?” I asked him.  “It sounds to me like Jim was
the only one injured to the point of bleeding."

He became very uncomfortable, I guess you'd say almost fidgety, but
since he'd said he would cooperate, he finally told me everything.
Now, I always thought that spare eyelid thing was a curious oddity.
Well, it's nothin' compared to what I found out next!  He explained
that when a Vulcan male is bonded for the first time that there is an
actual mixing of the blood that must take place.  Seems the Vulcan
male genitalia is quite different from a human male in that there's a
membrane that ruptures, causing the male to bleed when he has
intercourse for the first time.

The first time I had examined him, I had asked him about the thin band
of clear tissue that seemed to surround his shaft, and his answer had
been that he was perfectly normal for a Vulcan male of his age.  I'd
just had to take his word for it since the Vulcans hadn't seen fit to
fill us in on anything but the basic Vulcan anatomy.  It hit me that
this was the membrane he was speaking of.  I'd never questioned him
about it again, but this explained why Jim had felt Spock's pain
through the bond.

"So, Jim was right," I whispered.  "This was your first...encounter."

His eyes softened, and he looked down as he replied, "Indeed.  He is
my first bond, therefore, he is my first sexual contact."  After a few
moments of silence, Spock explained that since Jim and I had seen him
through one near-bonding, he just assumed Jim knew all about this.

"Spock, he didn't know.  Neither of us did.  Hell, I was there at the
bonding ceremony too, but I didn't understand half of what was going
on," I told him.  God, as vulnerable as Jim had been, it was even
worse with Spock.  He looked at me.  Any coldness that had been in
that face was gone, and all the pain I'd ever witnessed before was
radiating from those dark eyes.

He nodded.  "I am aware of this, now.  That which I have done is
unforgivable."

I tried to soothe him by telling him that "unforgivable," was a little
on the strong side.  I told him that it may take time, but that there
just might be a happy ending to this situation.  I advised him to go
to Jim and see what they could work out together.  But he was damned
insistent that the relationship would never succeed.  He said that
neither he, nor Jim, nor the Vulcans would ever be able to accept the
bond, considering the way in which it was formed.

That's when he told me about Re'letli.  Seems it's just about the
worst thing you can do as a Vulcan.  It literally is the forceful
taking of a bondmate.  It means to bond with someone who is unwilling
or has not consented to join their mind to yours.  It was the last act
that carried the death sentence on Vulcan, before they did away with
executions altogether.  Seems that taking someone's body by force is
sometimes necessary to achieve what must happen between bonded
couples, but the taking of one's mind by force is never allowed.  By
doing just this, Spock had committed the greatest offense that is
possible among the Vulcan people.

I tried to tell him he was being too hard on himself.  That this was
just a case of some seriously crossed signals.  What he had done, he
thought he was being invited to do.  Jim just didn't know what he was
lettin' himself in for.  But there was no reasoning with him on this
point.  Since the bond seemed to be the one thing causing all the
problems, I told him that I'd found information about someone called a
Kolinahru, and the capabilities of this person to break a bond.  I
asked him if that would be a possibility.

Damn near shocked him outta his boots with that one.  He was mighty
surprised that I would know anything about one of these Kolinahru.
Said it was a Vulcan ritual only done in complete secrecy and that
there were few who even knew of the existence of such people.  But, he
said that it was a possibility.  Said it could be done in conjunction
with some kinda purging of all emotions.  Hell, I thought all the
rules associated with the Neo-Protestant religion that my grandmother
tried to get me involved with as a child was hard to understand.
Ain't nothin' compared with all the stuff these Vulcans have come up
with!  Anyway, he said something about going to Vulcan being the only
option still open for him.

The man was hurting, and there wasn't a damned thing I could do to
stop this kind of pain.  I told him that he owed it to Jim to talk to
him, but not yet.  Right now they were both running on empty and
needed time to rest.

There wasn't much else that could be done about this right then, so I
stood up to leave.  This whole thing was a mess and wasn't going to be
solved in one afternoon.  With all that had happened, there was only
one thing about this that was obvious.  I turned to him and asked,
"You really do love him, don't you?"

"Yes," he replied.

I nodded and walked to the door.  He stopped me when he said, "Doctor,
you do understand that your relationship with him will have to stop.
That what you have been to him in the past, can no longer be."  It
wasn't a question.

There it was.  Now he was trying to tell me who I could and couldn't
be with, and I wasn't going to take that from nobody.  "I think there
are some things that you need to leave up to Jim and me," I answered,
not exactly politely.  I didn't wait for him to respond, I just left.

I knew we had several weeks before we were due back at Earth Central.
I figured that the best thing to do was just to leave well enough
alone for the time being.  Spock seemed subdued as hell and I didn't
see any reason to be concerned about anything happening between them
that they didn't both consent to.  After all, we have the best
security team in the galaxy right here on the ship and they can be
anywhere at a moment's notice.

Besides, I thought giving them some time, they just may find out that
this thing wasn't so bad and really begin to accept it.  I didn't know
of two other men in this universe who needed someone permanent in
their lives like those two did.  And, as much as I would have loved to
be to Jim what he needed, I knew I wasn't ever going to be that
person.  I just thought that Spock might be the one.  You know, if
there's one thing I can admit about myself, when I'm wrong, I'm damned
wrong!

Is it just me or am I beginning to smell like the inside of a bourbon
bottle?  Think I'll run through the shower.

Computer pause.

---
Chapter 5


Computer resume.

There, that's better.  Nice to get outta that damned uniform and into
my robe, too.  Got the torture machine hanging in the fresher for
tomorrow.  That's what I call these dress uniforms.  They want us to
be all spiffed up for the docking ceremony in the morning.  Well, with
any luck, I'll still be too drunk to notice the damned thing's choking
me!  Let me pour myself just one more littl' one, oh...what the hell,
might as well make it a big one, and I'll get on with this.  Can I
offer you one?  Guess not, huh.

Okay, so I had decided to just leave them to their own devices and see
where it took them.  Didn't take them far.  For the next few weeks,
Spock reported for his duty shifts, but no one saw him other than
that.  Didn't have two words to say to anyone that wasn't in the line
of duty.  Everyone noticed that something was wrong.  Of course no
one, 'cept me, had any idea what was going on.

As for Jim, he walked around like a man sitting atop a razor blade.
He was snapping at people right and left.  Yeah, I know it was his
responsibility to make sure the ship was in top condition when it came
time for inspection, but that didn't account for his piss-poor
attitude over every little thing.  Poor Scotty.  He got jumped so
often, I thought he was going to crawl right outta his skin before we
could get back to spacedock.

I couldn't talk to Jim.  Tried on more than a few occasions and he'd
just shut down completely.  Well, that's how things were, that is
until night before last.  Now I know time-warp is possible, and if I
had anything to say about it, we'd put this damned ship in overdrive
and flash back two days, leaving everything that happened that night
behind.  Course, I guess if any of us had a choice, we'd all just as
soon forget that night.  Damn!  I still can't believe it!

Yeah, I know I'm still recording.  I'm just trying to figure out how
to say this.  Hell, I was there and it still all seems like a blur.

Okay, two nights ago, well after midnight, I was alone in my cabin and
feeling pretty lonely.  All right, I guess if I'm gonna be completely
honest with you, I was horny; horny as hell and needing Jim.  We
hadn't been together in almost three months and my body was aching for
him.

I paged him in his cabin and asked him what he was doing, and if he
felt like having company.  I could tell he knew exactly what kinda
company I was talking about and, after a pause, he told me that he was
in bed and, yeah, he could use some company, to come on up.  I grabbed
a tube of lubricant out of the cabinet and headed up to his deck.  I
knew I wasn't going to stay the night, I never did, and since I wasn't
on duty, I sure didn't see the need to carry my medical kit.  Geoff
M'Benga was on duty and he was certainly capable of handling anything
that came up.

It wasn't five minutes later that I was signaling my presence at Jim's
door.  The door slid open and I stepped inside the nearly dark cabin.
The light was set so low that it took a few seconds for my eyes to
adjust.  Then I heard him call my name from the bed.  I saw him
through the mesh partition; he was propped up on one elbow, a sheet
just barely covering his groin, waiting for me.  Damn, just the sight
of him about did me in!  I walked to the side of the bed and he came
to his knees, the sheet falling away and exposing that beautiful,
aroused body.  He reached for me and slipped his hands under my shirt.
God, how I'd missed feeling those fingers slide across my skin!  Makes
me shiver even now to think of it.

He pulled my shirt off, and I quickly got rid of the rest of my
clothing, tossing the tube I had brought with me on the pillow.  He
stroked the length of my cock, and I did the same to him.  He was so
ready.  His hard cock reacted with each touch.  I grazed my thumb
across his cap and was rewarded with slick beads of anticipation.
God, how I craved the taste of him!  I knelt down and captured the tip
of his cock with my lips, letting those sweet drops fall on my tongue.
It was then that it hit me how much I depended on our times together.
Being with him wasn't just a romp to relieve the stresses that come
with serving on a ship.  This was makin' love to someone I really
cared about.  When I realized that, it started an aching in my chest
that hasn't stopped yet.

Before I could take him over the edge, he pulled me to my feet and
brought his mouth to mine.  Between long, probing, mouth-exploring
kisses, I told him how much I'd missed him.  He laid me down on the
bed and covered me, pressing our erections together.  Somehow, I
managed to find the tube, even with my hands shaking, opened the cap
and spread some on my fingers.  He spread his thighs so he was
straddling my hips.  I reached around him, found his entrance, and
spread the gel around the tight orifice.  With this, I could feel him
tense and move away from my fingers.

"You're not still sore, are you?" I asked him.  It'd been over two
months and if he was still having problems, then there was something
seriously wrong.

"No," he whispered as he drew small circles with his fingertips around
my nipples, making me shudder.  "It's just that the last time I
was..."

I understood.  The memory of the last invasion was still with him.
"We don't have to do this," I told him.  "Or, if you'd rather, you can
fuck me."

"No, I remember how good it felt to have you in me.  I'll be all
right.  Just...go easy, okay?"

God, I wanted him so badly, wanted this to be good for him. "Yes," I
assured him.  "Yes, very easy, but not this way.  I can control my
entry better if you roll over."  He knew exactly what I meant and
rolled off of me to lay on his stomach.  He spread his thighs, pulling
one leg up to give me full access to him.  I ran my fingers within the
crevice, slowly, to get him used to the feeling of being touched here
again.  With every stroke, I gently traced his opening and then dipped
my finger into it.  At first, he lay very still, but when I had worked
one finger in as far as my knuckle, he began to push back against me.
Pushing in deeper, I found that spot that made him open up to me.  I
felt the ring of muscle begin to relax and I told him when I was about
to push the second finger inside.

My second finger had just penetrated him when his hips pushed hard
against my hand.  He was getting very ready for more.  I followed it
with a third finger, and the muscle gave way.  It was then that he
began to moan and told me he was ready for me.  Makin' sure I had him
as relaxed as possible, I withdrew my fingers and centered my cock to
him.  Very slowly, I pressed inside.  I thought to myself that this
must be how it was with someone who had never been invaded before.  I
was so very careful to pay attention to his every move, watchin' out
for any sign of discomfort--physical or otherwise.  It wasn't long
before I was fully encased inside of him.

Oh, God, it felt so good to be inside of him again!  I began to move,
slowly at first, until I knew he was used to the full length of me.  I
reached around his bent leg and wrapped my hand around his erection.
He had softened, slightly, and that was understandable, but he was
soon fully erect with me pumping inside of him, and stroking him with
each thrust.  Just about the time things really got heated up, that's
when all hell broke loose.

I was just feelin' like I couldn't hold out any longer, and wonderin'
if I should cum inside of him or pull out first, when I felt an arm
encircle my neck, and another grab me around the waist.  Now, I swear,
it took a few seconds for me to figure out what was happenin'.  By
that time, I'd been ripped out of him and flung against the side of
the divider, busting the thing in the process.  Next thing I knew,
Spock was on top of me, fire like I've never seen in his eyes, and his
hands were around my throat.  God, look at my hands!  It still makes
me shake to think of it!

You know how some people talk about an 'out of body,' experience? 
Well, I guess now I know what they're talkin' about. I remember this
like I was just floating above watching what was goin' on.  Still
doesn't seem real.  Jim came up off the bunk and tried to pull him off
of me, but with just one hand, Spock flung him aside like he was some
rag doll.  I knew that I'd breathed my last. Spock was gonna kill me
right then and there.  Then Jim stood back up and began ordering Spock
to let me go.  Just like he was up there on the bridge, that same "no
nonsense" voice he uses.

Well, it must have registered on some level with that Vulcan, 'cause
he let me go, but he turned on Jim so quick that neither one of us saw
it coming.  He grabbed Jim and threw him on the bed and covered him
with his own body.  Jim was fighting like a son-of-a-bitch, but it was
no use.  I was still trying to get to my feet when I saw what was he
was doin'.

Spock had Jim on the bed, one of his arms was tucked up under him and
he couldn't get it free. The other, Spock was holding tight.  With his
free hand, Spock was working to get the clasp of his pants undone.  I
knew I had to do something, and fast, or he was gonna rape Jim right
there in front of me.  I tried to grab him by the shoulders, but he
stopped what he was doing and belted me so hard that I went flying
onto the floor, again.  I felt like I was going to pass out, but I
think the situation at hand kept me from it.  Somehow I was able to
drag myself over to the desk and pull myself up.  The first thing I
thought of was a sedative.  I called the lights to full power and
began to look around for my kit.  Then I realized I hadn't brought it
with me.

I looked back toward the bed and saw Spock had pushed his trousers
below his hips and had pulled one of Jim's legs up.  He was centering
himself for the invasion.  And, as Jim had described the events in the
cave, Spock's mouth covered his, allowing only deep, guttural sounds
of desperation to escape.  I reached for the console and keyed the
emergency code for sickbay.  M'Benga answered and I told him to bring
a sedative syringe to the captain's quarters, STAT.  I ran back around
the partition, well, what was left of it, and started screaming at
Spock to stop, but it didn't even slow him up.  I was grabbing and
screaming at him when I saw him plunge into Jim.  I couldn't....

Computer stop!

---
Chapter 6


Computer resume.

Okay, I'm better now.  Every time I remember that moment it affects me
like that.  I guess someday I'll stop gettin' sick to my stomach when
I remember that scene.

Anyway, after what was probably a couple of minutes, but it seemed
like hours, I saw the light from the corridor and M'Benga come
charging through the door.  Now I've never seen anything rattle Geoff
before, but that sight brought him to a complete halt.  I grabbed the
syringe outta his hand and landed a clean blow on Spock's shoulder,
plunging the whole dose into him.  Now there's enough of that stuff in
a full syringe to knock out a horse, but for a second, I didn't think
even that was going to stop him.  Then I saw Spock slump a little and
Geoff, who'd recovered from the shock of seeing such a sight, at least
enough to move, rounded the barrier and together we pulled him off
Jim.

It wasn't until then we realized that two security officers had
entered the cabin, phasers drawn, and was seeing what was going on.
Dammit!  I hadn't even thought about the fact that security team
members go to every emergency call unless directed not to.  I hadn't
put through the all-clear to stop them.

There Jim and I are, buck naked as the day we were born.  I'm looking
like I've just gone ten rounds with the mutha of all Klingons.  Geoff
M'Benga, the only one of us fully dressed mind you, is hanging on to
Spock, who's passed out cold, and still has his pants half down, and
his privates bared for God n' everybody to see!  If I hadn't been
there, if I hadn't been a key player in this Goddamned mess, I
could've almost laughed out loud, almost.

Well, I knew Spock was going to be taken to the brig, there was no
getting around him being arrested, or so I thought.  I turned to Jim,
who by this time had rolled off the bed and was throwing on his robe
and tossing me my trousers.  I don't know if he knew security was
there, hell I don't know if anything was registering with him just
then.

Just as calm as you please, just like all the med chips say can happen
in times of acute stress, I turn to Jim and say, "Jim, security's
here.  Do you want Spock arreste..."

"No," his eyes came up and flashed at me.  He looked toward the
shocked security officers and said, "Nothing has happened here that
requires charges.  You're dismissed."

"Sir?" one of the officers asked, obviously confused, but he didn't
have a damned thing on me!

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  "Jim!" I insisted.

"Nothing, Bones!" he said, then told the officer, "I said, you're
dismissed."

"Ye...yes, sir!" they said as they turned and left, but not before
they had taken one more look at the scene in the room from the door.

He turned and looked at Spock while Geoff was getting his trousers
resituated and fastened, and then back at me.  "You called security?"
he asked, angrily.

I was busy getting my own clothes back on, but couldn't believe he was
angry with me.  "I called for help.  I didn't think about security
responding, but forgive me if I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the
time!  Jim, I don't know what the hell happened down there on that
planet, but I have no doubts about what just went on in here.  He
about killed me, and he sure as hell ra..."

"That's enough, Doctor!" Jim shouted, cutting me off in mid sentence.
He then turned toward the bed.  "That'll be all.  Dr. M'Benga, Dr.
McCoy, you can both leave.  I will handle things from here."

"Jim, we need to get Spock out of here, away from you.  Let us take
him to sickbay and restrain him if you won't let security arrest him."

"No," Jim shook his head, looking at the lifeless form on the bed.
"He didn't mean to do this.  I'm sure of it.  He did warn me."

It was then that the words that Spock had said in his cabin came back
to me.  He had told me that the relationship I had with Jim couldn't
continue.  He had felt us through the bond, that much I was sure of,
but that was still no guarantee that he was going to be any less
violent when he pulled out from under the effects of the drug.
"Jim..." I wanted to tell him I was stayin', but he stopped me.

"Bones," he whispered.  "It's okay.  I'll call if I need you, but,
please, leave us alone."

Against every ounce of better judgment I have in my body, I nodded to
Geoff.  He laid Spock flat on the bed and looked briefly at the
captain as he headed toward the door.

"Doctor," Jim called to him.  Geoff turned.  "Thanks," Jim said.

"Certainly, Captain.  Please, call if you need assistance.  I have
experience with some of the Vulcan mind control techniques."

"I will," Jim nodded, but I had a feeling he was lying.  There wasn't
any more I could do or say, so I followed Geoff from the cabin.

M'Benga and I didn't talk till we got back to sickbay.  I guess it
wasn't until then that I got up the nerve to say anything to him.
Finally, knowing he was the most knowledgeable onboard regarding
Vulcans, he had done his post-graduate work at the Vulcan Science
Academy, I asked him if he would come to my office.  Once there, I
asked him if he could explain what had happened to Spock.

He said his experience was limited, but he was showing all signs of a
Vulcan going through Kalif'tut.  Now, I had heard all about the Koonut
Kal'ifee when we were going through that mess with Spock's bonding
ceremony to T'Pring, so the name seemed familiar.  He said it is a
challenge when a threat is made to a bondmate.  He asked if there was
a possibility that Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk were bonded.  In the
briefest way possible, I explained that they were.

I told him that I certainly wasn't in Jim's room to cause him any
harm, my state of undress when he arrived made it quite obvious just
what I was there to do.  He said it wasn't necessarily a threat of
physical harm to the bondmate, but a threat to the bond itself that
would cause such a reaction and that an act of infidelity was as much,
or more, of a catalyst for such a reaction.

Jim said he knew Spock didn't mean to do this.  Maybe he was right.
Maybe it was the bond that had caused this.  Well, the bond, and me
not being able to keep it in my pants!  If I hadn't gone to Jim that
night, none of this would have happened.  Anyway, I asked Geoff
whether Jim would be safe when Spock awoke.  Basically, he didn't
know.  But, he had never heard of a situation where bondmate turned on
bondmate.  However, rape was rare among bondmates too.

My eye was swelling shut, so he took me into the treatment room to
attend to my injuries.  But my mind was less on me, and more on what
Geoff had said.  So, I wasn't outta my mind.  I wasn't the only one
who saw this as a rape.  Bond or no bond, what I had witnessed was
Spock raping Jim.

It was about that time, right at 6:00 am ships time, that Christine
came tearing into sickbay wanting to know if I was all right, wanted
to know if Captain Kirk was okay, and had Spock really been arrested.
Right then I knew we were in some deep shit.  As near as I can figure,
it took about forty minutes for word to start spreadin' about the
scene in Jim's cabin.

As was procedure for any security call, there was a report filed and
forwarded to the bridge about what had happened.   Now this should'a
been for Scotty's eyes only since he was on command duty, but God only
knows how many people onboard have hacked into that system so they can
see what's going on.  And not having internal ships' messages coded
meant it was there for anyone who'd ever taken a first year computer
class to read.

It took some doing, she really didn't want to tell me all she'd heard,
but I finally got it out of her.  The gist of it was, when Chris had
shown up in the cafeteria to get some coffee, she was inundated by
several crewmembers all wantin' to know if it was true.  Was there
really a fight in the captain's quarters?  Did security really have to
show up and break up the whole mess?  Did Dr. McCoy really go berserk?
Were Dr. McCoy and the captain really having an affair?  Or was it the
first officer and Dr. McCoy who are involved?  Did Mr. Spock really
have to be pulled off the captain and sedated?  Who was cheating on
whom?  Said there were about a hundred variations of these questions
before she could get down the turbo and into sickbay.

I gotta tell ya, my first reaction was to find the nearest airlock and
flush myself right out into space!  But that wasn't gonna help Jim or
Spock.  Yeah, I'll admit it.  Even after what had happened, I was
mighty concerned about how this was going to affect that Vulcan.
Hell, I knew Jim and I would get over it, someday.  Bet they never
heard of this on the pirate circuit at the outer rim, which is
probably where we'd end up.  But I was kinda worried that this kind of
publicity would send Spock right over the edge, not that he wasn't
there already.

By this time, Geoff had finished up with me, well as much as he could
do under a local, and I sure wasn't gonna consent to anything more
extensive, not now.  I sat there watching Christine.  There were so
many questions in her eyes.  Questions that even I didn't know if I
had all the answers to.  She turned and started putting away the
equipment Geoff had used, and I heard her ask, "Leonard, are you and
Spock...are you involved?"

I reached out and touched her sleeve and she turned to me.  Now, there
wasn't a soul on the ship who didn't know of Christine's desire for
something more with Mr. Spock.  Nor was there anyone who couldn't see
it wasn't going to happen, except maybe Chris who kept eternal hope
alive.  Everyone else on the ship had rumor and speculation about this
mess.  That wasn't enough for her.  "No, Chris.  Spock isn't involved
with me.  It's just a situation where we find ourselves interested in
the same person."

"Captain Kirk," she said with certainty.

I think I just nodded.

"And you?" she asked.  "If they are involved, Leonard, what were you
doing there?"

I glanced at Geoff who was still standing off to the side, propped
against the shelf next to the bio-bed, his arms crossed and being as
quiet as usual.  I was pretty sure he had the same question floating
around in his mind; he was just too much of a gentleman to ask.

"Chris," I said looking at her, wantin' to make this as clear as
possible without all of the ugly details.  "Captain Kirk and I have
been...involved...for some time.  Recently, a situation occurred where
Spock and the captain found themselves bonded to each other."  I saw
the hurt in her face.  But then I saw something else too.  Maybe it
was the facade of hope that she'd held onto slipping away.  I
continued, trying to explain the events of this evening.  "It seems
there's a lot Jim and I didn't realize about the power of this bond,
and well...when I went to him, Spock didn't exactly welcome the idea
that we were together.  Chris, from what Dr. M'Benga has explained to
me, it wasn't his fault.  And it's Captain Kirk's choice not to press
charges against him, at this time."

I didn't bother to tell her that I really hoped Jim would change his
mind, at least until we could get all this sorted out.  Did I believe
Spock belonged in the brig?  I guess on some level, after what I'd
witnessed, I did.  I was beginning to realize that he'd been driven to
it, and that there was more than one person to blame for what went on.
But to realize he was capable of that kinda violence, I knew he was a
time bomb just waiting for the next opportunity to explode and I knew
the next time, someone was gonna get killed.

Christine was still trying to make sense of this and I knew I couldn't
just wait around for the next round of questions.  There was someplace
I needed to be.  I stepped off the table and glanced in the mirror.
Where M'Benga had used the regenerator on my face, it looked like I'd
only been in a fight with a small Klingon.

I smoothed my uniform, made my excuses to Chris and Geoff, grabbed
another hypo from the supply shelf and, after taking a deep breath,
stepped out into the corridor.

Oh, God!  My legs are asleep. I've gotta stretch!

Computer pause

---
Chapter 7


Computer resume

Okay, so I got some strange looks, but no one confronted me directly.
That much I was grateful for.  I just tried to ignore the hushed
whispers as I passed by.  There were a couple'a people hanging about
when I keyed the override to Jim's cabin and stepped in.  I was
grateful that the last thing I heard was Scotty's booming voice
saying, "If ye dinna have anything better to do than stand around,
then ye'll find yer'self on scrub-down detail!"  Bless him!

The door slid closed behind me and I saw them on the bunk.  Jim was
cradling Spock as if he were a child.  Spock still seemed to be quite
out of it.  Jim looked up over the dark head.  "Leave, Bones," he
said.

I stepped closer and spoke softly in a voice that I hoped wouldn't
disturb the sleeping Vulcan.  Hell, if the truth be known, a phaser
blast probably wouldn't have awakened him, not with the shot I'd given
him.  Anyway, I said, "Jim, I need to see you.  Please, it's
important."

Jim looked down at Spock and then freed his arm from beneath him.
With that same gentleness I had seen from him once before, he smoothed
the ruffled dark hair and laid a blanket over the sleeping form before
he rounded the leaning partition.  "What is it, Bones?  I want to be
with him when he wakes up."  I could hear the irritation in his voice
even though he was speaking barely above a whisper.

I felt like I was working a puzzle where none of the pieces fit.  This
man had raped Jim, once for sure, probably twice, and here he was
cradling him.  He'd been upset at having the bond forced on him, but
had told Spock that he wanted them to work it out.  Spock had forced
the bond on him, and wouldn't hear of them staying together.  But, let
someone else show some interest, and he turns into some wild lunatic.
And everyone thought I was losing it!  I had nothing on these two!

But right now there were more pressing issues.  "Jim, the word's out.
I assume the whole ship knows what went on here last night."

"I assumed as much.  What else?" he asked.

"What else?" My voice grew louder, but I was still trying to hold it
down to a roar.  "Jim, there's about a thousand 'what else's.'  Where
would you like to start?"

He nodded toward the bed.  "With him, is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah, he'll be just fine.  May have a doozy of a hangover, the stuff
I filled him full of is pretty potent.  But, other than that, he
should be back to his old, cheerful self in no time!"  Yeah, I know,
probably not the time for sarcasm, but there are some things you just
can't help.

He asked me, "Is there any way to bring him around?  I have to talk to
him before it's time to report to duty."

"Report to duty?  Jim, have you just heard anything I've said?"  I
couldn't believe he was just gonna walk on the bridge like nothing had
happened.

"Bones, we dock in two days.  Like it or not, I'm still the captain.
I have a job to do and I intend to carry it through.  Now, answer my
question, is there any way to bring him around?"  The green eyes
flashed at me.  Somewhere deep down, on top of everything else, you
just had to admire a man with this much gumption.  I fingered the hypo
I held at my back, knowing damned well that it would counteract the
sedative.

I brought the mechanism out and handed it to him.  "It's set at the
right setting.  Just get it into the shoulder or neck area and it
should begin to work in a couple'a minutes.  You want me to stay?"

"No, there's no telling what he'll do if he finds you here.  He'll be
all right with just me.  I'm certain of that.  Now Bones, leave us
alone."  The anger behind those eyes had cooled, but the forcefulness
was still there.

I nodded my consent.  "Come see me later, will ya?  There's still a
lot to talk about."

He nodded back at me.  "Tonight, after the shift's end."

I walked out into an empty corridor.  Evidently Scotty had been
successful in dispersing any curious onlookers.  Well, sir, that was
about the longest damned day I've ever lived through.  I checked the
on-duty roster after the start of alpha shift and, sure enough, Jim
was on the bridge.  I didn't wander up to see how things were going,
was trying to keep a pretty low profile, myself!  Spock hadn't
reported in, but he hadn't been assigned, either.  Not that that
usually kept him off duty.

Sure, there was enough in sickbay to keep me busy.  I had to have
everything finished up and catalogued. Although I had most of it
finished, there are always those things you find which are overlooked.
I think Chris thought I was gonna fall apart at any minute.  In
reality, she probably wasn't far from wrong.  But every now and then
she would either reach over and lay her hand on mine, or just ask me
if I was okay, and it would keep me hanging on just a little longer.
I know that Chris and I have had our differences over the years.  But
I have'ta give her credit, yesterday it was her strength and
nonjudgmental attitude that kept me together more than anything I did.
Hell, had I been left to my own devices, I probably would've crawled
into this bottle twenty-four hours ago.

It was just after seventeen hundred hours when Jim walked into my
office.  Sure enough, he had come right after the shift end.  He
looked like the walking dead.  I swear, this man who always looks the
picture of health with his golden hair and his golden skin, looked
positively gray.  I think I told him that he looked like the devil,
and asked him if he wanted a drink, but he shook his head.

He sounded tired and irritated when he asked, "Well, you asked me to
come down.  I'm here, what do you want?"

I told him exactly what I wanted.  "I want to talk to you, like we've
always been able to talk to each other.  Jim, I don't understand all
that's been going on here, I don't think you do, either.  I don't know
about you, but I need a friend.  I need to talk to the person who's
been my best friend over these last five years.  And, something tells
me, you need a friend, too."

"What I need," his voice softened to barely above a whisper, "is him.
I need Spock, and he's leaving."

"Leaving?  To go where?  When?" I asked in a rush.

He held out a chip.  "I found this when I got back to my cabin.  He
sent through a notice that he's resigning his commission and returning
to Vulcan.  As for when, I guess after we've docked and have turned
the ship over."

Now I have to tell ya that this news was not exactly a surprise to me.
Spock had talked about going to Vulcan several weeks before in his
cabin, but until the events of the other night, I just assumed that
they would figure out something to make this work.  Now, I wasn't so
sure this was a bad idea.  "Jim, maybe this is what you both need, to
have some time apart.  Spock certainly isn't in the frame of mind to
think clearly right now, and..."

"It's not just some time apart.  According to this, he's going to
Vulcan permanently.  It says that as a part of purging all emotions,
the bond will be broken, and he will never see me again.  Bones, after
we've docked, I'm going to go to him.  I'm going to tell him that I'll
go with him, whether it be to Vulcan or to hell, I don't care."

I couldn't help myself when I asked him, "Jim, what are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?  Do you remember what happened just hours
ago?"

The eyes that looked back at me weren't those bright, hazel-green
lights of wonderment that I had watched for these many years.  These
were clouded with confusion and anguish, the likes of which no one
should ever have to face.  He emitted a sound that chilled me right
down to my bones.  It was a chuckle, one devoid of all humor or joy.
"Lost my mind?  An interesting way of putting it.  As for what went
on, Bones, you're the one who doesn't understand.  I drove him to it.
Don't you understand?  I love him.  I can't stand to be without him."

I never expected to feel the stab in my gut with that one statement.
But there it was, like a hot knife had just been buried inside of me.
Of all the times I'd wondered what kept them apart, I'd never thought
about how it would feel if they ever really discovered what they felt
about each other.

I couldn't stand to see him standin' there, taking all the blame
himself.  "Jim," I said, "Spock tried to tell me.  I didn't listen.
He told me to stay away from you.  So if you're wantin' to lay the
blame for last night somewhere, here I am.  But I don't care how many
ways you try to twist this, nothing can justify what he did.  I've
known Spock as long as I've known you, and the man that showed up in
your cabin in a rage isn't the man we've served with all these years.
Did you get a chance to talk to him?  What'd he have to say?"

He shook his head.  "Not much.  He had pulled back into that shell and
as soon as he was able, he got up and left.  He did say that I was in
error not to have him arrested."

Now I was just on the verge of tellin' him that that may be the first
thing Spock and I had agreed on in ages, but I didn't have the chance.
The comm beeped and a message for him came through.

It was Chief of Security, DeLasso.  First thing I thought of when I
saw who it was callin', was that Spock was on the rampage again and
headed to my office.  Guess I was a little concerned that just Jim and
I being together would set him off.  But it wasn't anything like that.
Jim keyed the unit and DeLasso informed him that the Vulcan transport
had pulled along side and Mr. Spock was ready for departure.

Jim asked who had authorized this, and the officer answered, "Mr.
Spock, sir."

Jim looked at me, and you wouldn't believe the terror that was
registering in his face.  He took off outta my office toward the
transporter room and I wasn't two steps behind him.  We musta looked
like two madmen tearing off through the ship like we did, but I guess
nothing we could do would surprise the crew at this point.

The doors to the transporter room slid open, only to see Mr. Kyle
standing behind the control panel.  Other than him, the room was
empty.  "Lieutenant, where is Mr. Spock?" Jim asked.

"Sir?" the confused man asked.  "Why, he's just transported over to
the Vulcan ship, sir."

"On whose authority, Lieutenant?" Jim asked.

"Authority, sir?  Why, on his own authority.  He ordered me to
transport him over, and I wasn't going to disobey a superior officer,
sir."

It was true, Spock could do as he damned well pleased.  There
certainly weren't any restrictions that had been placed on him.  I
could see Jim was realizing this too.  "Very well, Lieutenant.  You're
dismissed."  Kyle nodded and left the room.  Jim walked to the control
panel and called the communication station.  "Uhura, put me through to
that ship."

"Yes, sir.  A moment, Captain," she answered.  There was silence
between us as he waited for the connection.  "Sir," her voice came
across the comm, "the Vulcan ship had just warped out.  Our request
for further communication is being denied."

"Understood, Lieutenant.  Kirk out," he replied.  Jezus!  The look in
his eyes!  I swear, if we hadn't been standing in the transporter
room, likely to be walked in on at any second, he would'a lost it
right then and there.  Never seen a man look so hit in the gut before.

He walked right past me, like I wasn't even there, and into the
corridor.  Stood there for a second like he was trying to decide which
way to the turbolift.  I didn't say a word, didn't dare.  Not just
yet.  He'd already suffered enough humiliation with the crew.  He
didn't need to fall apart in public.  I followed him to the lift and
got on with him.  He had to command his deck twice; the first time the
computer didn't understand what he'd said.  I still don't think he
knew I was there with him.  It wasn't until we were in his cabin that
he turned and looked at me, almost surprised to see me, I think.

I looked around, the results of the previous night's activities still
blatantly apparent with the mesh screen still leaning over like it was
gonna fall at any moment.

I can't even tell ya what I was thinking right then.  Hell, there was
so much running through my mind, I felt like my brain was on warp
speed.  Confusion, anger, sadness; yeah, they were all there.  And, I
hate to admit it, but some relief that he was gone was floating around
in my skull, too.  Some part of me thought that maybe, just maybe,
with him gone, we could begin to put this mess behind us and move on.
And, I thought to myself, Jim wasn't losing the one person who really
loved him.  I was still here, and I wasn't going anywhere!

I guess that's the moment it really hit me.  All this damned skirting
the issue was over.  I was in love with Jim Kirk, madly, hopelessly,
follow him to the ends of the fucking universe, in love with him.  And
it'd only taken me five fucking years to figure that out.  But now
that Spock was outta the picture, I wasn't gonna let anything stop me
from makin' sure we'd stay together.  Again, when I'm wrong, I'm
wrong.

"Jim..." I said when I looked back at him.  He started to shake, all
over.  I walked to him and put my arms around him.  I was gonna do
whatever it took to hold him together.  I couldn't lose him, not now.
We'd get through whatever this was he was goin' through, together.  I
was gonna see to that.  "It's okay," I whispered.

His arms wrapped around me in what could only be called a death grip.
"I've lost him," was all he could get out before the first racking sob
hit him.  With that, all the energy drained from him and as he shook,
his body heaving against mine, he nearly collapsed.  It took all my
strength to hold us both up long enough to get us over to the couch
where we toppled down.  No longer havin' to support us both, I could
hold him as he let it all out.

Now I've had to deal with a lot of losses out here in the last five
years.  Hell, we all have.  Not to mention I've had to sever some
serious relationships over this time--losses that still hurt to this
day, if the truth be told.  But I've never seen anyone with the broken
heart that Jim was dealing with right then.  But it was perplexing as
hell.  Had they been partners for a long time--and had I not witnessed
what had happened just hours before--I could'a understood it.  But
I'll be damned if I could understand why he was so bloody upset over
losing someone who had just brutally attacked and raped him, not once,
but twice.

I've seen Jim lose people that he loved, or thought he loved, in the
past, more'n I care to think about, but he'd never reacted like this.
But I knew instinctively that this wasn't the time to try figurin' all
that out.  This was the time to just hold him and help him get through
it.  And that's what I did, for a long time.  I held him until his
body just couldn't take anymore and he began to fall asleep.  Even
then, the occasional deep sob would rouse him as it raced through his
body.

When it seemed he was through the worst of it, I laid him out on the
couch and covered him with a blanket, still sitting on the edge beside
him.  It felt good to be able to move my shoulder again.  It had
fallen asleep sometime before.  I slipped out of my tunic, leaving my
T-shirt on, and realized that one arm was nearly wringing wet from the
tears he had shed.  Right then, I think if I could've gotten my hands
on that damned Vulcan's throat, I would have been tempted to choke the
life outta him.  I still didn't understand all that had gone on, but I
knew he had hurt this man, the man I loved, in a way that no one else
on God's green earth had ever been able to.  And no matter the
reasons, that was unforgivable.

I caressed the golden hair of the sleeping man.  Spock had once taken
Jim's pain away when he was hurting, and Jim was furious at him when
he found out.  But right then, I wished I'd had that ability.  I
would've loved to go into that tortured mind and scrape out every last
ounce of pain from him.  But I was doing all I could.  I was there
with him, and would stay forever, if he'd let me.  I leaned over and
kissed the side of the head.  I tasted the salt of the perspiration
and tears that were still fresh on the skin.  "I love you," I
whispered quietly so's not to disturb him.

Oh, jeeze!  I have to stop this.  Talking about this is going to tear
me apart.

Computer pause

---
Chapter 8


Computer resume

I'm gonna get through this, dammit!  Call it my own personal
catharsis, call it a drunken old fool, call it any damned thing you
want, but dammit, I've got to finish this!

All right, just about the time I though he'd quieted down for the
night and could find some rest, he came up off the couch like a
madman.  He emitted such a shriek that it scared the hell outta me.
"Jim!  What's wrong?" I screamed.

"Oh, God, Bones!  I'm being ripped apart!" he moaned as he fell to his
knees.  He crumpled onto the floor in a heap.  With his forehead
pressed against the rug, he wrapped his arms around his head and
squeezed, writhing in agony.

"Jim, my God!  What the hell's happening?" I shouted.  I went to the
floor beside him and reached for his pulse.  Now, the first thing I
thought of was that he had a ruptured aneurysm.  But the pulse from
his carotid was strong and pounding against my fingers and he wasn't
becoming unconscious like he would've been if that were the case. I
tried to turn his face to me.  "Jim!" I shouted, again, "what is it?"

"It's being ripped from me!" he moaned.

"Ripped from you?  What, Jim?  What's being ripped from you?" I
hollered.

"The bond!  Oh, God, Bones!  He's severing the bond!" he wailed as he
writhed against the floor.  "Spock!  NO!" he screamed.  His body
rolled and undulated across the floor, tipping over the lightweight
coffee table, spilling the data chips and glass of water that had been
on it, until he was pressed against the precariously perched screen.
I was able to get to my feet and grab it just before it collapsed on
top of him.  I flung it in the opposite direction where it landed with
a loud, metallic clang against the foot of the bunk.

When I was sure he was out of physical danger, I turned back to him.
He had stopped moving and was almost catatonically still.  I think I
was more scared right then than at anytime throughout this whole
situation.  I flew over to where he was and threw myself down beside
him.  "JIM!" I bellowed.  Even with the pure panic reflected in them,
I was never so relieved to see his eyes roll up and look at me.

I reached across for the blanket he had thrown to the floor and tucked
it tightly around him.  I wrapped my arms around him as if I could
stop the pain from reaching him.  I was afraid I was about to lose
him, if not physically, then certainly his sanity was being stripped
from him.  And there was nothing, not a Goddamned thing I could do
about it.  It was in the hands of someone light-years away.  And then,
as quickly as it started, I felt him relax within the makeshift cocoon
I had him encased in.

His panting breaths became more normal and I relaxed my hold on him.
He released his arms from his head and I could see the red marks where
he had pressed so tightly against the sides of his face.  I watched as
the look of fear and panic cooled, mutating into something less
traumatic.  I reached to brush back the damp hair clinging to his
forehead, but he jerked his head away from my hand.  "Jim, you okay?"
I asked in a much softer tone than I'd used in these last minutes.  I
just wanted to hear a response from him.  I knew damned well he was
far from okay.

He nodded slightly and stated to sit up.  I reached for his arm to
help him, but he pulled it away.  Okay, it's nothing personal, I
thought.  He just needs to prove to himself that he can get up on his
own.  I'll be right beside him if he starts to stumble.  I'll always
be right beside him if he starts to stumble.

It wasn't easy, but he got to his feet.  He looked around at the mess
and he walked toward the turned-over table.  He bent down and started
to collect the objects that had been strewn about when he had kicked
it over.

"Jim," I said, "leave it.  I'll get that stuff cleaned up.  Just sit
down and rest for a few minutes."

"No," he shook his head.  "I have to get this in order.  I'm fine,
Doctor.  You can leave.  I'll be all right, now."

I couldn't believe my ears.  DOCTOR?  LEAVE?  What the hell was this?
But, I calmed down and decided he was just trying to overcompensate
for what he'd been through this evening.  Maybe he was even a little
embarrassed that I had seem him fall apart that way.  He just needed
to understand that I was in this for the long-haul.  "Jim," I smiled
and shook my head, "I'm not going anywhere.  It's me, Bones, and I'm
here for you.  There's no need for you to feel bad about what's gone
on here tonight."

He looked at me and his face softened, some.  He sat the table upright
and placed the items in his hand on it.  Standing up, he said, "Bones,
it's not that I don't appreciate your bedside manner, but I have to
deal with what's happened on my own."

This was certainly not what I was expecting. "On your own?  Don't you
know that I want to stay here with you?  Don't you know how I feel?
That I lov..."

"Stop it, Bones.  I think I know where you would like to see this go,
but you have to understand, it can't be.  The bond Spock made with me
is broken.  For the first time in months, I'm free.  I'll never give
up a part of myself to anyone again, not like that." I tried to
interrupt him, but he wasn't going to let me get a word in.  He
continued, "I've felt what it was like to love someone with everything
I have in me to give.  The pain is worse than any phaser blast I've
ever felt.  And it's never going to happen again, not with you, not
with anybody."

"Jim," I managed around the hard knot that had formed in my chest.  "I
know this thing with Spock has hurt you.  But you can't allow yourself
to become closed off to everyone.  I still can't understand how you
could have these feelings toward someone who's treated you the way he
did.  But we can put this behind us."

He shook his head again.  "You don't understand.  I've already put it
behind me.  It's over.  It's time to move on.  It's time for all of us
to move on."

I knew I was treading on dangerous ground here.  In hindsight, I knew
I was pushing things too fast, too hard.  But do I ever listen?
Never.  So I pressed on, getting into Jim's face. "Goddammit, Jim, I
know you've been hurt.  And you're right, it seems that what went on
between you and Spock is over, at least that bond that he foisted on
you.  You didn't ask for any of this.  Hell, none of us did.  But I'm
the one who wants to be with you.  Right now you're just puttin' up
all the defenses you have to get over what happened on that planet,
the bond, the humiliation of the scene last night, his leaving, and
the...attack."  I didn't call it a rape, even though that's exactly
what it was.  He tried to stop me, but he'd had his say, now it was my
turn.  "And when you come out on the other side, which you will, I
want to be the one there waiting for you.  What we've had together..."

And again, he interrupted me.  I was gettin' kinda tired of this.
This time there was no softness in his voice as he said, "What we've
had together was nice.  I'll agree.  But it's over.  Do you understand
me?  Over."

I knew there wasn't gonna be any gettin' through to him, not in this
frame of mind.  And if I stayed around against his wishes, we were
gonna end up in one hell of an argument.  Maybe it would be best to
let him alone for a while.  Once he calmed down and thought about it a
bit, he'd come to realize what we could be to each other.

I reached over on the chair and grabbed my tunic I had tossed there
earlier.  I didn't say a word.  There was no sense arguing with him,
not now.  And he sure wasn't gonna get me to admit defeat.  I threw my
shirt on; the crew had seen me quite disheveled enough lately, thank
you, and, with one more exasperated sigh, headed for the door.

Back in my cabin, I found myself playing out every scenario in my
head.  If he walked through that door, I would run to him.... no, I
would treat him very coolly... no, I would act like nothing had
happened and just hear him out... no, I would slap him silly for
puttin' us through this... no…I knew exactly what I would do.  I would
wrap my arms around him and never let him go.

But the minutes, then the hours, ticked by and the door never opened.

I would go from lying on the bunk; the images of the night before kept
bringing the acid taste of bile to my throat, and I would end up in
the head, heaving.  I'd sit down at the computer console; nope, no
messages.  I would wander over to the liquor cabinet; no, not the way
to handle this, have to keep my wits about me.  I'd go to the closet
where I was throwing all my personal items in the shipping containers
supplied; what was that that broke?  Screw it!  And, eventually I'd go
back to the bed, where it would start all over again.

That brings us up to this afternoon.  The door signal about startled
me right outta my skin.  I'd been waiting so long for that sound, that
when it came, it almost didn't register.  "Come," I announced.

The door slid open, and there he was.  It felt like every molecule in
my body was about to explode.  Of all the ways I'd imagined this
moment in the last hours, I never suspected that I'd be frozen stiff.
I couldn't move; I couldn't swallow; I couldn't breathe; hell, I
couldn't even blink.  But I could feel the tremor that began in the
middle of my gut and consume my whole body.  I was trying to read his
expression, but couldn't.

"May I come in?" he asked, jarring me outta the stupor I was in.

"Yeah," I managed, still standing stone motionless.

He waited until the door closed behind him before he began with,
"Bones." He paused and I already knew this wasn't good news.  "I hope
you understand about what I said in my cabin.  You've been my friend
for these years, and I don't want to hurt you."

"But?" I asked.  Guess I wasn't capable of more than one word
sentences at the time.

"But, I can't be anything more to you than that."  God, he was trying
to make amends, but this wasn't what I was wanting to hear.  "You were
right, you know?"

"About?" There I was, again.  Guess I'll never be considered a
renowned spokesman.

"About everything that's happened.  You were right.  It's over.  And
I'll find a way of getting through this."

This was sounding way too final for me.  Collecting myself, I took a
deep breath and a step forward; yes, it seemed movement was once again
possible.  With that, I said, "Jim, right now, with the ending of the
mission, and Spock's leaving, you feel like you've had the wind
knocked outta your sails.  As soon as you've been assigned to another
mission, and back out in space, you'll get your feet under you again.
Hell, this crew would follow you to hell and back, already have, I
think.  Once they understand what went on here, they'll forget all
about this.  And you know I'll be there to sign on whenever you're
ready." I tried to make my voice light as I said, "Hell, I wouldn't
know how to operate on solid ground anymore.  Guess I'm destined to
remain space-bound."

I saw him purse his lips then bite the lower one ever so slightly
before he said, "Bones, there won't be anymore missions, not for me.
See, I've been told that there's a place at Starfleet Command.
Admiral, Chief of Operations.  I think that's where I need to go.
This chasing through the galaxy isn't for me anymore.

"Jim, NO!  Don't do this!" I blurted out.  "Don't throw away
everything you've worked for to become one of those damned pencil
pushers!"

"It's done, Bones.  I've already accepted.  I report at oh-eight
hundred, day after tomorrow to Starfleet Command."

I stood there and watched him.  He'd changed.  In the years I'd known
him, we would've talked this over a glass of our favorite beverage
before he'd made a decision like this.  Now, he didn't need anyone to
talk things over with.  But that wasn't all that'd changed.  There was
no more light in his eyes.  Yeah, he was gonna make a fine Admiral.
He already had the dull look, no spark, just like the rest of the
fat-assed brass.  He was giving up, and giving in, to the pressures of
Starfleet.  I never though I'd live to see the day.  Have I said that
already?  Whatever, it deserves repeating.  "Well," I finally said, "I
guess there's nothing else to say.  Your decision is made."

He nodded.  "I won't have time to meet with you after we dock.  I just
wanted to come by and tell you I wish you well, in whatever you decide
to move on to."

"Thanks!" I answered sarcastically.  If he was waiting for me to wish
him the same, he could stand there till the cows came home!  No way in
hell was I going to wish him happiness buried up to his brass in
Starfleet!

He opened his lips quickly, making that slight popping sound that no
one but me could possibly notice, and said, "Well, there are things to
do.  Docking will proceed at oh-six hundred.  Have you called
transport to have your shipment scheduled?"

"No," I answered, not bothering to hide the anger in my voice.

Ignoring that, he said, "I'll have them contact you."  With that, he
turned and left.

Guess it was about ten seconds later that I opened this bottle of
bourbon.  No, it was the last bottle I opened.  Or, was there one
before that?  Can't remember.  Doesn't matter. 

Before I got really drunk, I forwarded my resignation to Starfleet.
I'll do horse surgery on the outer rim before I let them get their
hooks in me again.  They can take their promotions and their
commendations and shove 'em where the sun don't shine, for all I care.

Well, my friend, that brings you up-to-date.  You know, I've been
thinking, why would Starfleet offer the best damned Starfleet captain
in the service a desk job?  Now that I think about it, seems to me
that this offer to be promoted to Admiral came awful quick.  S'my
personal opinion that Starfleet got wind of what's been happening
around here, and decided to reel him in a mite.

Hell, they sure weren't gonna discipline him, not after the successes
he's afforded the fleet in these last years.  But I can see that they
would want him where they could keep an eye on him for a while.  So,
maybe I jumped the gun.  Maybe this wasn't all his decision.  

Well, it's morning and I seem to be more sober than I anticipated.
The ice is melted and this last bottle I opened is still pretty full.
Guess I won't be needing anymore of this anytime soon.  It's a shame
having to pour all of that down the drain. 

Computer pause

---
Computer resume


Well, in the last hour I've been doing some serious thinking.  Maybe
this is what's for the best, for all of us, Jim included.  Maybe we
all need to step away from this...arggg... damned dress collars...and
recoup what's left of our lives.

I sent along a message to Jim a little while ago, telling him I'd
tendered my resignation since I feel like Starfleet isn't where I
belong.  I told him I wished him happiness, or contentment at the very
least.  I owe him that much.  I hope someday he'll understand why I
can't stay.  I guess time will tell.

Yeah, I guess you can say that I finally get it.  I know what I feel
for Jim and I know that if we tried to stay together, we'd end up
destroying anything that's left of what we had.  Guess in the long
run, I'd been right all along, but now that I understand how I feel
about him, I can't say it doesn't hurt like the dickens. 

And as for what Jim felt for Spock?  Well, I have to believe it wasn't
only the bond that caused it.  Guess I'd have to admit that if he did
belong with anyone, it would be that Goddamned Vulcan.  But, from what
Geoff M'Benga has said, and the message Spock left just before he
left, that's no longer a possibility. 

Guess we've all seen the last of him.  Seems he'll be holed up on
Vulcan from now on, some kinda monastery that he's joining.  Whatever
this Kali'near thing is, it's a life-long commitment.  Well, Spock, I
can honestly say that I hope you find peace there.  You didn't ask for
what happened to you anymore than the rest of us did. 

So, Jim, if ya have to do this, then you'll get no more argument from
me.  I can't believe I'm saying this; maybe I am still a little drunk. 
But go do whatever it is you've got to, to put that light back in your
eyes.  Maybe, someday, we'll meet again.  I hope so.  And I hope that
I'll see some of that man I've come to know over these years. 

They just called and said the transport is here.  Time to go. 

Computer, stop recording and eject chip.

---

The End