The BLTS Archive- Rescued
by Trexphile (trxphile@cox.net)

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DISCLAIMER:  Paramount created these characters.  I've provided
the angst.

August 1998

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I sit at my desk, numb and defeated.  Once more, I have been tossed
broken and  bleeding on the shore after daring to venture out into the
waves.  When will I  ever learn that the water is too deep?

Since Jack's death, I've been so careful, staying safely on the smooth
sand as I  watched others around me cast themselves into the waves,
seeing them rise  laughing from the water and secretly envying them.

Perhaps it's because I haven't learned how to stay afloat, that I stay
under too  long, that I love the blissful freedom of losing myself in
sensation, forgetting  to come up for breath when I should.  Fate
knows that I'm too reckless in my  abandon and so she interferes,
rescuing me and dumping me on the shore,  bedraggled and sodden... and
alone.

I didn't ask to be rescued this time.

It's been a long day and it's not over yet.  There are reports to
file, duty  rosters to prepare.  All this activity is tedious and
tiring and necessary.  It  keeps me from my lonely room that much
longer.

I hear a voice say my name and she is there, slipping casually around
the door.

Kareel has been transformed by the procedure.  No longer
expressionless or  emotionless, her eyes now shine with a life that
wasn't there before.

Odan's life.  She is now Odan.

She leans against the doorframe, looking (oh God) seductive.

"Could we talk for a moment?"

No, please.

I manage to nod.

She moves closer and places her hands on the back of a chair, leaning
forward,  her eyes -- his eyes -- never leaving mine.  Those eyes...
It goes against all  common sense but those eyes have changed, just as
Will's changed while he hosted  Odan.  I could see *him* there even
when framed by Will's face, just as I can  see him now looking down at
me, silently asking me something that I don't want  to answer, that I
don't want to face.  I have to say something, I have to break  this
tension.

"You should be sleeping.  You need your rest."

Her answer is low and seductive... just like his.

"I've never felt better -- except once or twice..."

I look down.  Come back, Beverly.  It's too dangerous and this time
you may  drown.  The PADD in my hand trembles slightly as I look at it
blindly.  I feel  her move around the chair and sit.

"My poor Beverly," she says.  "This has been so hard for you."

Her tone is so patronizing that I look up again, annoyed at her words,
grateful  for a new emotion to grasp.  She continues.

"I want to thank you for your caring, for standing by me."

Finally, I am once again in control as I clutch my anger tightly, wrap
my cloak  of indifference around me.

""I congratulate you," I say, "You averted a war that would have cost
many  lives."  I am proud of myself now.  I am safely ensconced on the
shore.

My words have shocked her.  What was she expecting?  Flowery phrases
of my  undying love?  No, Kareel, I cannot give you that.

"Yes," she says slowly.  "It seems that everything has turned out for
the best."   When she says it, it sounds like a question.

We sit, silent, and those eyes probe me again.  I have to look away
again but it  doesn't help, doesn't break his pull that stretches me
taut and thin.

"And I am still Odan and I still love you.  I cannot imagine that ever
changing."

Her words pluck at me and an anguished chord rises within me,
shuddering and  discordant.

But I am still Beverly Crusher and I will not abandon my control.  I
refuse to.   I manage to look up and smile as I speak.

"I'm glad that you're all right."

I have hurt her, I can see it plainly on her face.  Brava, Beverly.
You haven't  lost your touch.

The silence thickens between us.  When she speaks again, her voice is
draped  with sorrow.

"Is there to be nothing more?"

What more could we have?  I feel dizzy and disoriented but my shields
are still  in place and I smile again.

"Perhaps it is a human failing but we're not accustomed to these kinds
of  changes."  My confidence builds along with the lie.  "I can't keep
up.  How long  will you have this host?  What will the next one be?  I
can't live with that  kind of uncertainty."

I know that what I'm doing is wrong, shifting the responsibility, the
blame, to  her.  I have sunk so low.  I pause, watching Kareel,
watching Odan, as the eyes  dim and sadden.

Generalizations now.  I must keep this distance intact.  "Perhaps
someday our  ability to love won't be so limited."

For the first time, Kareel looks away and that simple action hurts me
the most.   She looks back at me and speaks softly.

"I understand."

She stands to leave and somewhere within me, a last shred of decency
prods me to  speak.

"Odan."

She turns and tilts her head and I'm taken aback by her sensuality.

"I do still love you.  Please remember that."

They are the first really honest words I've spoken to Kareel.  Now she
can  leave.

And then she grabs my hand and before I can pull away, her lips are
pressed  against my wrist.

The shock is so intense that I forget to breathe.

She holds my clenched fist in hers and the intensity rolls from her,
threatening  to sweep me away.

"I will never forget you."

She leaves and I am once again lying on the shore as the water laps at
my body.

And then I rise and follow her into the waves.

---

I lie in my bed, the room dark and heavy around me, pressing me into
the  mattress.  I don't know what time it is and don't care.  The
weight is crushing  my chest, compressing my heart and lungs.  Perhaps
I will simply stop breathing  and will slip away into blessed
nothingness.  It would be far better than this.

Finally I turn my heavy head and see the rumpled bedclothes beside me,
the  pillow that is still misshapen from a head that lay upon it.  If
I turn up the  lights, if I search, I'm sure that I will find a long
blonde hair.

I keep the lights off.  I don't want to find it.

What have I done?  Who did I do it for?  Odan?  Myself?   What does it
matter?   He's gone and won't be coming back.

Perhaps I needed closure.  I didn't get that with Jack, didn't get to
tell him  goodbye.  And I wanted, needed to feel Odan again, find that
connection that I'd  never felt before, not even with Jack.

So I stopped Kareel in the corridor as she left.  I took her hand and
she looked  at me and he was there.  Right there and I was drawn in
once again.

I have always appreciated beauty in its physical form, whether male or
female,  human or non-human.  And I have never questioned my sexuality
-- the sight of a  beautiful male body has never failed to make me
weak-kneed and quivery.  The  thought of being intimate with a woman
has never repulsed me -- it's just  something I have never considered.

But seeing Kareel lying naked before me and feeling that connection
with Odan  still so strongly... I closed my eyes and gave myself to
her.  To him.

It was wonderful and frightening and beautiful and strange.  Feeling
smooth skin  beneath my fingers, breathing in that decidedly female
scent, hearing the soft  murmurs of a woman's voice in my ear, being
so caught up in the passion and  knowing that it was Odan, that
throughout it all it all we were once again  sharing our love with
each other.  With my eyes closed, I could see *him* before  me and, of
course, he knew what I wanted, how to please me.  I let him make love
to me, let those hands and mouth coax me into the passion that I had
denied  myself for so long before I'd met him.

I have always been rather selfish in lovemaking.  And, with the image
of Odan in  my head, I gave myself over.  I let Kareel love me.

And it was wrong.

Not because we were two women.  I've never been prejudiced that way.
It was  wrong because I was lying to Kareel, even while crying out in
orgasm.  I was an  adulteress, fantasizing about my secret lover while
in the arms of another.

We lay together for a long time afterward, not speaking.  Finally she
looked at  me and I saw that she knew.  She smiled and kissed me, got
dressed and left.

If I could simply lose myself in the physicality, I could make this
relationship  work.  Kareel is just as adept as Odan had been.  But I
know it's not possible.   I need more than that.

I loved Odan for more than just his body.  When I was with him, I was
a  different person -- I wasn't a CMO or a Starfleet officer or Jack's
widow.  I  was someone entirely new with him.  It was possible to have
that with Odan, but  with Kareel?...

What happens when the passion ebbs, when the novelty fades?  It will
happen.  It  happens in every relationship.  What then?  I can't deny
who and what I really  am.  I can't deny that I will still crave a
man's touch.  What do I do then?   Ask Kareel's indulgence while I
satisfy my "needs" elsewhere?  Could it be  possible for me love
someone passionately, yet not express that passion  intimately?  Can I
love the person and not the body?

This situation is so unfair -- to me, but especially to Kareel.  She
deserves  more.

I want to love and be loved.  But I need to feel it freely, want to
lose myself  in it without having to rationalize and make excuses.
Above all, I need to love  with honesty.

I cannot have that with Kareel.

I turn over and stare at the ceiling again.   Once again, my
rationality has  solved everything.  There is no place for passion in
my life.

The sand is dry and the sea is far away.

I am safe again.

I have only the salt of my tears to bathe in.

---

The End