The BLTS Archive- Behold How My Lover Loves Me by Trexphile (trxphile@cox.net) --- DISCLAIMER: Don't need it. No names are mentioned. January 1999 --- WE KISS IN A SHADOW --- He comes to me in the shadows. I have come to love the shadows for within them I see him clearest. The darkness has illuminated him and opened him up to me. There is nothing that he can hide. During the day we move through the light, performing our duties for all to see. They see us as they've always seen us, the way we allow them to see us. None of them know of our secret shadows. We have learned very well how to hide while in the light. He comes to me in the shadows and I reach for him. He whispers against my ear and I laugh softly, always softly. The darkness demands our silence, our muted words. No matter - our bodies speak instead, accompanied by a symphony of fingers and lips that flicker silently over skin. When my release comes, I keep it inside, letting it double, triple, until finally it rolls out of me, flooding over him, this bed, these walls. No more than a sigh ever escapes my lips. Afterward, he lays his head on my belly as his fingers dawdle along my thigh. And we speak. We talk in whispers for hours of everything and of nothing. We laugh, we cry, we argue. The shadows envelop us, protecting us from the harsh reality of the light. We lie safe within this gray womb, speaking and touching as lovers. And then he leaves. I don't resent his leaving. It is necessary. After he is gone, I enfold myself in the darkness, pull the shadows over me. I drift off into sleep, and in my dreams we are together and the sun is warm and bright. Some day, when we are both ready, we will enter the light together. I don't know what will happen then, how things will change. Perhaps this is why we remain in the shadows for now. We still have a few doubts, a few fears that the darkness has yet to absorb. We will not emerge until we are cleansed of them all. On that day the sun will cast no shadows. I'll take his hand and kiss him and my voice will ring out, clear and strong. Behold and believe what you see. Behold how my lover loves me. --- I HAVE DREAMED --- I still dream of her. My dreams are usually unpleasant and confusing, filled with muddled images, lacking logic or reason. I am not one of those who lies still upon awakening, grasping at the fading tendrils of a dream, seeking to recall it, to relive it. I gladly let it fade away. But not my dreams of her. When I dream of her, I want to remember. I want to carry her image with me through the day, to hear her soft voice and gentle laugh, to feel her touch. Strange, but when I dream of her, it's not as a spurned lover would dream. It never has been. She does not come to me in a wispy dress with her arms open, inviting me to take her. I have dreamed such things, but it is never her - that woman is always faceless and she elicits no emotion from me except for the rawness of physical passion. Instead, she sits at a table and I come to her and smile down at her. Or she stands beside me and we talk. Sometimes she works alone and does not know that I watch her. Inconsequential, trivial, with no discernible plot or motivation. Yet there is so much more. Always she looks at me and smiles and the connection is there, undeniable and eternal and unspoken, more powerful than any sexual fantasy. In my dreams, she loves me as I love her. For so many years all I had were these dreams. I have never been the imaginative type, never have been one to spend hours in longing, dwelling inside my dreams, embellishing them and wishing they would come true. I forced myself to be content for I knew that to hope for more was foolishness. I may have loved her, but I was not to be her lover. I still dream of her. And I awaken and feel her hair against my neck, her arm across my chest, the sweet solidity of her. It is more than I could have ever dreamed. I walk into the room and see her there, waiting at a table. I approach and she looks up and smiles. I have dreamed. And now, I know. --- The End --- "We Kiss in a Shadow/I Have Dreamed" from The King and I performed by Barbra Streisand on "The Broadway Album" We kiss in a shadow, we hide from the moon Our meetings are few and over too soon. I have dreamed that your arms are lovely. I have dreamed what a joy you'll be. I have dreamed every word you whisper We speak in a whisper.... When you're close ... close to me. Afraid to be heard ... Alone in our secret, together we sigh For one smiling day to be free. How you look in the glow of evening. To kiss in the sunlight ... I have dreamed and enjoyed the view. And say to the sky ... In these dreams I've loved you so That by now I think I know What it's like to be loved by you. Behold and believe ... I will love being loved by you. Behold how my lover loves me.