The BLTS Archive- Love Trifles One
Can You Forgive Me?
by T'Reija (Theganan@gmx.de)


---

Disclaimer: Hey you guys at Paramount, you don't wanna have anything
to do with this anyway. Feel free to use anything you want to (yeah,
right, in my dreams... and wet dream they are indeed <g>)

Note: Love it? Hate it? Please, tell me, but try to be constructive
when saying the latter (i.e. not only "I hated it", but "I hated this
'n this"). Flames will be used to grill the one who writes them
(Roast troll, anyone?) Oh, and this is absolutely non-canon, because
we all know they'll never do something like this (but you can't blame
a gal for hoping, can you?) and because I don't watch Voyager all
that often (though I've seen all the older eps, I don't watch them
again and again, like TOS... <g>)

First in a series called "Love Trifles". Yeah, I *know* it's not very
creative, but you should see the other titles I came up with, and
you'll be glad I've chosen this one ;))).

January 1999

---

I had that dream, again. It's the same, every night since we met
once more. I thought he could face him, but truth is, time hasn't
changed a thing. There still is this attraction, I can't help but
notice his muscular body, the way his dark eyes glow when they look
at me, though the look has changed from lust to hate. What is there
about this man that makes him so hard to resist?

I had almost blown up. Alone seeing him again, standing in front
of him, smelling his masculine scent, made me feel lost. The way he
looked at me, the hate in his voice. It cut deep, deeper than I like
to acknowledge. Not that I didn't deserve it, I did. But that doesn't
make it any easier.

And now I'm lying on my bed with an erection, a hardness as
painful as our relationship is. Memories mix with the scenes I just
saw while I was asleep.

My hands wander over the brown naked skin on his chest, move
behind his neck and pull him closer. Our lips press on each other
roughly, as his hands lower to my ass, squeezing the cheeks hard. The
touch of his skin against mine, the feeling of his wet hot tongue
claim my mouth, and gods, he tastes so *good*! ... I rub my erection
against his, and...

...and then I scream. Not in orgasm, in frustration. What have I
done? Have I lost this forever? Probably. And it hurts so much, to
think about what I could have had.

If I hadn't got caught on my very first mission in the Maquis.
If I hadn't betrayed him by helping the captain find the CrazyHorse.
Maybe if I could have stayed I could have earned his trust. He
thought of me as a mercenary, someone who would work for anyone as
long as he was paid. Fuck, as a whore, that's the word. True, I
didn't fight for my homeworld or other such reasons, and although I
didn't like them, I never really hated the Cardassians, but it wasn't
the money that held me there in the Maquis. At first, it had been
that way, it had been the only thing I'd hoped for. Until I met him.
We fought, from the beginning on, right to the end. Our days were
filled with hatred, but our nights... how I cherished those nights,
nights filled with passion, filled with the agreement we never
reached during the days. Everyday I would wonder why I put up with
him, why I stayed, why we couldn't just resolve our problems this
way. But when evening came, I'd go to his room again. We never talked
much then.

When I turned back to save his life on the Ocampa homeworld the
only thing I thought about was how much he meant to me. I'd like to
say I would've done that for everyone. Maybe I would have. I don't
know. But I'd turn back for him again, that's one thing I know for
sure.

I can't continue like this. I must get over it, even if it's
hard. But can I forget what was? Can I live with the thought of what
could be? He hates me. What would it hurt to talk to him? I've
reached a decision, and I get up to dress. This cannot wait until
tomorrow, for then I'll probably have lost the courage to do it.

So I walk over to his quarters, and I'm scared like shit. Of
course, on the bridge he had held himself back, but what if we are
alone, in his quarters, no one watching? Will he kiss me, his body
crushing against mine as it often has before, or will he beat me up?
Or, and that's what I fear the most, will he just send me away? Why
is he doing this to me? There are so many women on this ship,
beautiful women. Megan Delaney, she'd agree to a date anytime. Why is
it that the mere thought of touching him again sends vibrations
through my whole body, centering in my groin, and thinking of Megan
gives me nothing at all?

Arriving at the door, I hesitate for a minute, just stand there
trying to regulate my breathing. Fuck, this is difficult. But I use
the chime, and as his deep voice tells me to enter, I do just that.

"Paris! What do *you* want?" This isn't starting very well, I
fear as I hear the sound of his voice. I don't know what to say as he
eyes me, hands firmly pressed against his hip, radiating a
self-confidence I'll probably never have. And then there are these
black silk pajamas he's wearing... they smoothly cover his body,
shining a little in the light...

"Oh, just checking. After all, your life belongs to me now,
doesn't it?" I grin, although I feel like crying. I hide my hands
behind my back, for the palms are wet with sweat and I don't want him
to know about this power he has over me. But it's so hard, when he
moves closer, and I sense his fragrance. It reminds me of a time
long, long ago, of those rare occasions when my dad took some time
for his family and we went to the forrest. There was a warm breeze
spreading the smell of conifer as we drank cinnamon tea and ate
gingerbread biscuits, and at these moments, I felt completely happy.
Until we went home again and my father left for some 'extremely
important work' and didn't return home for more than eating and
sleeping for weeks. So I learned to fear the expeditions as much as I
looked forward to them, as I fear this closeness which I love so
much.

I can feel his hands grab my shoulders, and almost reluctantly I
open my eyes, looking right into his, only inches between our lips.
How I long for him!

Please, step back, Chakotay, I don't know if I can take this.
I'll lose myself if you come any closer.

Stammering, I continue. "I... Did I wake you? I'll leave if you
want me to."

He's considering it, sending me away, I can see from his look.
But still his hands rest on my shoulders.

"No and no. It's possible that we'll spend all our lives out
here. We need to talk." He shoves me over to the couch and pushes me
onto it, then sits down across of me, still angry. "You didn't answer
me, on the bridge. Why did you betray us... me?"

What can I say? He will accept no less than the truth, but am I
ready to give it to him? If I don't, I'll lose him, forever, if I
do, will it change anything at all? I'm a coward, always have been.
Troubles ahead, Tom Paris runs away.

"I... I can't. Tell you, that is. Chakotay, I'm sorry, believe
me, I am, but I can't give you a reason." His face is hard as stone,
as it has always been, except for those precious moments we shared in
unison. I leave, and he doesn't stop me, doesn't even get up or look
at me. I can't really say I blame him.

---

For a moment, I really thought he was going to open up to me.
How foolish! He's just the same as he was back in the Maquis. Oh, he
most certainly has his qualities - I'm the last one to say he doesn't
- but I believe he'll never come out of that shell of his. I wish he
could, but I'm not going to help him doing it. Either he manages by
himself, or he doesn't. After all, whatever his reasons, he *did*
betray us. He would have sent us all to prison for being freed
himself.

---

The next few days, I spoke with Chakotay only on ship's
business. He seemed to avoid me, or I him. Both, probably.

Today, maybe three weeks after we'd stranded in the Delta
Quadrant, I am sitting in the messhall with Harry, and he walks in.
Our eyes meet for one brief moment, I feel like my heart could stop
any second. But he break contact as he joins the captain at another
table.

"Tom?" Harry now asks, pointedly. I turn my head and only then
realize again that he is sitting right next to me.

"Huh," I reply, very intelligently.

"I've just been talking with a wall," my new-found friend sighs.
"Tom, what's really going on between you and the Commander? I mean,
everybody's telling me something different. Some of the Maquis say
you hated each other, some say you were lovers. You certainly don't
get along well now. So, which of both is it?"

Now it's my turn to sigh. As if it were that easy. "Uh, Harry,
actually both are true. But please, let's not talk about it, 'kay?"

And so we drop the subject, much to my relief.

The nights are really weird. I'm having the strangest dreams,
dreams I can't remember afterwards. Sometimes I do recall them, but
that isn't too pleasant either. When I wake up, I'm always rock-hard,
something that hasn't happened in a very long time. After waking up,
I mean. What *would* Chakotay think if he knew that I jerk myself off
every morning, thinking about him?

So, I just try to bear it all and have as little as possible to
do with him.

---

I don't think he'll do anything about us after all. Although I'm
quite sure it meant more to him than a little sex. Okay, so, really
*great* sex. Damn! Of course, with him you never know. Maybe that's
all there ever was. And I admit, I give him a pretty hard time
sometimes.

If it were any other situation, I'd do the first move. But he
gave us away, and so it's up to him. On the other hand, if it were
any other man, I doubt I'd care about it so much. Sure, I had my
share of relationships over the years, and most of them were men, but
Tom Paris was... different. In an annoying way, sometimes, but
still...

In deep thought, I step into the shower, and turn the hot water
on. This definitely is a time for real water. I hardly ever use the
sonic shower anyway. I prefer water, and lots of soap.

When I finally step out of the bathroom, my hair still damp, the
red alert signal sounds. Damn. As fast as I can, I put on my uniform
and head for the turbolift. Just as the 'liftdoors are about to
close, I hear a voice - Tom's.

"Wait!"

Almost automatically, my hand moves between the closing doors,
which slide open again, and Tom joins me in the lift. Apparently,
he's been in as much of a hurry as I have, that leaving no time to
properly brush his hair or smooth out his uniform.

"Thanks, Commander." Well, he sounds cheerfully as always, and
gives the 'Commander' just as much irony as he can without being
accused of disrespect. We don't talk after that, until something
unexpected happens, that is. Several shudders go through the whole
ship, then the lift suddenly stops dead, lights going low.

"Chakotay to Bridge." I try my commbadge, but no one answered.
Tom tries his too, but with the same effect. Just great. The ship is
on red alert because of who-knows-what, and the first officer is
trapped in a lift with the Helmsman, who happens to be a former lover
with whom he should be angry, but whom, at the moment, he wants to
fuck more than anything.

At first, I didn't notice how nervous he was, or at the very
most thought it was because of me being here. Fool that I was, I
didn't recognise the symptoms of claustrophobia when they were right
under my nose. Only when he sat down, knees up to the chin, hiding
his face in his hands, I got worried and kneeled down beside him.
Tiny pearls of sweat had formed on his forehead, and his skin looked
strangely white.

"Paris!" I snap in alarm and shook his shoulders. "Par... Tom,
look at me!" His hands drop down, I can see how hard it is for him to
control, to return my look as calm as possible.

"Cha..." He'd never called me that before, not even during our
time together. It was Chakotay, or more recently Commander and sir.

"Hey," I reply. I don't really know what to do, or what he
expects me to do. I can't just snap my fingers and get us out of
here. "I'm here. Don't worry, it'll be okay." Hesitantly, I put first
one hand on his shoulder, then another, pulling him closer.

I don't know what made me do it, but somehow we end up standing,
clinging to each other. With clinging, I mean he grasps me and holds
on as if it were for his life, so hard I have problems breathing. And
I just let it be, even welcome it, him.

It isn't the sexual pleasure I've always felt when we were in
the Maquis, it is... more. I'm concerned about him, and try to offer
comfort as good as I can. At this moment, I don't care what had
happened, about anything. Except him.

"Tom," I murmur, and it sounds good to hear myself say his name
aloud, my hand stroking through his blond hair.

His mouth is now very, very close to me left ear. "I... I missed
you, Cha. In prison..." he stops in the middle of the sentence. What
the hell had happened to him there?

At that moment, the lift starts moving again, and he slips out
of my grasp, not meeting my eyes.

"Sorry, Commander." He's apologising! I can't believe he
apologises. It makes it all so much harder. Now at last I know he
still cares, but that he'll only admit it when he's scared or
something. He'll never do the first move, and if I want him, I have
to.

But right now, we have to go to the bridge and leave discussions
for later. It turns out we'd been attacked, but the fight's almost
over now that we've finally arrived.

During our following shift, I notice that Tom seems
uncomfortable and distracted. After a few hours, when beta shift
takes over, he hurriedly leaves the bridge, not giving me any time to
follow him.

---

I spent two and a half long, lonely hours in my quarters, until
Harry picked me up to go to Sandrine's. I didn't really feel like it,
but then, I didn't feel like staying alone in my quarters, and
certainly not like sleeping.

We went, and to my great relief, Chakotay was nowhere around.
Gods, I should have had more control this morning! And I shouldn't
even think about the fact that he let it be. After all, he probably
just did it because I was now part of his crew, and he would have
helped anyone. So, why does this incident give me new hopes, then?

Harry and I played pool together, and he won. Four times.
B'Elanna teased me about being too much in my thoughts, and oh, how
right she was! From the look on her face, I think she knows. Not
everything, but enough. And she *was* in Chakotay's Maquis crew.

Well, after that we sat down and drank and talked for a while,
until I excused myself to go back to my quarters. I wasn't very good
company anyway.

After I gave in my code, and the doors to my quarters opened, I
was quite surprised to find Chakotay inside, sitting on a couch,
waiting. Waiting for me.

"Tom. We need to talk." The second time he says that to me in
the last few weeks, and still I can't, not even if it's my only
chance to get him back. He gestures me to sit beside him, and I do.

"Okay," he continues, "I want you to listen to me, without
interruption, all of it. You betrayed me when you told Captain
Janeway where to find our ship. No Maquis under my command, even
someone as new to it as you were, has ever done that. It made me
angry, because I need to trust my crew, and because I need to trust
my lover. Well, in the last few weeks, I noticed you've changed. I
think you can be trusted, and if I'm not mistaken, you'd like to
continue our relationship as much as I do. You won't talk about
prison, and I can't demand it of you. So I'm willing to accept it as
something I just don't know, and I hope one day you can tell me. For
now, I want to know if my assumptions are right and how you feel
about me."

At some point, he had taken my right hand into his, and I notice
it is now shaking. Damn, I don't want to be weak, not now, not again.
But I always am when looking into his beautiful dark brown eyes,
which now watch me expectantly.

"I... I..." Why can't I just give him a straight answer, without
stammering? So, unable to express myself with words, I lean closer
towards him, and our lips meet for a kiss so soft and tender as they
have never been in the past, while my hands move up to his shoulders.

Trembling, I pull back slowly. "Cha... I love you." I almost
whisper the words. He gently pushes me down on my back lying on top
of me, careful not to use his full weight. Not that I'd mind if he
did. And we kiss, again and again, I eagerly taste his flavour as our
tongues touch, ever so slightly. Is this the same guy I had sex with
during my time in the Maquis? Yes, he is, he's my Chakotay, the man I
love. But at the same time, he isn't. We'd had sex back then,
passionate sex, but now it's love, and oh, that's a difference.

"Tom. You don't know how lonely things have been after you were
gone," he murmurs between kisses, stroking my hair. "I didn't even
realize how much you meant to me until I'd lost you."

Involuntarily, I sigh. It's just too much, too much joy, too
much love, too much relief. "Let's make love, Cha, please..."

We both get up and move to the bedroom, for the one reason that
the couch in my room is quite small. Standing in front of the bed, I
slowly start to undress him, pulling his shirt over his head,
savouring the look of his muscular body, his bronze skin gleaming in
the dim lights of my quarters. Then I slide out of my own shirt, my
only regret being to part from his lips to do so.

In the meantime, he's unbuttoned his trousers, lets them slip
down to the floor and then casually steps out. And guess what! He
isn't wearing anything underneath!! For some seconds, I just stand
there, admiring his perfection, every detail from head to toes just
seems so right, and I'm amazed at what a being so perfect as he could
find in *me*, me of all people, and I thank whatever deity there is
for bringing us together again.

Chakotay smiles, then we lie down on the bed, both on our sides
facing each other, and I can't help but feel a little... overdressed,
still wearing my jeans, with him naked. What shall I say? He quickly
takes care of that particular problem...

Suddenly, all thoughts not related to him and me vanish, there
is no yesterday and no tomorrow, no Maquis and no Starfleet, no first
officer and pilot, only Chakotay and Tom. We kiss again, more intense
this time, but still with so much love I can't believe I could live
without this for so long. Oh, I could lie here forever, kissing
Chakotay, holding him in my arms and being held by him, feeling our
bodies against each other, my erection pressing into his,
thrusting... we come almost at the same time, juices mixing as we out
our arms around each other, savouring in our afterglow.

We share some more lazy kisses, then we just lie there, holding,
touching, and a deep feeling of love seems to be surrounding us.
Could I ever love another man like I love Chakotay? I don't think I
could, and I'm so glad I won't have to. Maybe there will be problems.
Surely there will. But we will master them... together.

"Good night, Tom" he whispers in my ear, tickling me with his
warm breath.

"Night Cha..." is the last thing I manage, for now I can feel
myself drifting off to sleep...

---

The End