The BLTS Archive- The Frog King by T'Reija (Sandra.James@surf24.de) --- Post/Archive: ASC, ASCEM(L), BLTS, R'Rain's, all others please ask first. Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, including Paris and Kim, and if they wanna sue me, nothing to fetch here, sorry . The song is by a German Punkrock band called the "Toten Hosen". Note: This story was inspired by the song "Der Froschkönig", it's German, but I included it at the end anyway, for those who understand it. The lines are pretty much worked into the text anyway. Warning, if you don't like stories were men are, shall we say, vulnerable (evil tongues say "wimpy"), you won't enjoy this one. It's about as soapy as they get. Maybe there will be a third part to make it a little more happy, I'm still thinking. Btw, have I mentioned that feedback makes me smile? April 1999 --- As I watch the tiny bubbles rise up in my half full glass of beer I absently notice a tall man taking place next to me. He's quite good-looking, by human standards, a Trill. Brown hair, blue eyes. And a winning smile, obviously he's flirting with me. Not that it'd work. Not anymore. Once, it might have, but that was a long time ago, and so much had changed since then. Captain Janeway, Voyager, my friends there, like B'Elanna and even Chakotay. And, of course, Harry. To say the truth, that's what's stopping right now. Harry. Gods, how I loved... love that man. He's just so... so very different from me. Everything I needed my whole life to find and perhaps don't have even now, it just came to him. A loving family, a promising career, a feeling of acceptance wherever he goes. His innocence. Oh, he's lost some of his naivety over the years, and I must admit I was a part of what took it from him, but he still is so... he seems so young, and sweet. So loveable. And I can't believe I let him go. Sure, it was for the best. I mean, it was so long ago, back in the Delta Quadrant, now it seems almost an eternity, and we weren't really ready for the step. Both of us. It was almost as if we'd been drunk, drunk of the intensity of our feelings, drunk of the sexual attraction that sparkled whenever we were alone, the love we both felt. I know I never was the man he needed, he deserved. I couldn't be, even though I tried, whatever entity may hear me knows that I've tried like mad. But I never succeeded, probably because I wasn't the right one. All of this I realize, and yet I wonder if maybe sometimes he still thinks about me. We've commed each other a few times, and he seems to have gotten over it quite well. Not much suffering on *that* end. So I guess I'm right, and there's just no place for me in his heart anymore. I'm not even sure there ever was. I know he didn't use me, he'd never use anyone, but I guess I wasn't the man he needed, never. I wanted to do everything for him, be all he longed for. I tried to fulfill his dreams, raced for them. I never reached them. When we made love, I wanted him to feel like I felt, wanted to give him love, security, closeness. Everything. But he never seemed to be really there. He told me he loved me. Every time he did, he closed his eyes, not looking at me. I'm not saying he lied. Just that he wasn't sure, that he wanted me, maybe even loved me, but not in a way that could ever make him happy. Don't get me wrong, we did have our moments. They were rare, true, but they existed. Moments of passion, of love, or complete fulfillment. We were in paradise, and we never wanted to leave. But something always brought us back to reality, much too soon. Harry, I miss you so much. So much that it hurts to think of you. What are you doing right now? What are you thinking? I love you. I want you. I... I need you. I've never been good at admitting that I was dependend on someone. Now, finally, after three long years, I'm ready to do so. Taken by a sudden urge, I stand up, pay the drink I only took one sip from and leave, not looking back at the Trill, the bar or anything, leaving it all behind me. Once outside I call a cab, and as if I had said it a thousand times before I give the driver instructions. Now I'm standing in front of the building, waiting. I rang the doorbell two times already. My own fault, really. I should have called. I shouldn't even be here. Why can't I just let this where it belongs, in the past? It's been so long. I've never loved that way before, and I know I never will again. "Hello? Who's there?" *His* voice, coming from the speaker above the doorbell. "It's... it's me. Tom." Again it seems to me like ages before he answers. "Tom. Hi." The door buzzes and opens with only little pressure. My hands feel cold any my pulse must be at what, 180? Shit. Just stay cool, Paris. He won't eat you. In spite of myself, I have to grin. Double shit. Ascending the stairs, step by step, I finally wonder what the fuck I'm doing here. Then I see him, standing in the doorway. My first thought... god, he's *thin*. I never noticed that when we met in public, and of course I didn't when we talked over comm. But suddenly I do. And the look on his face... I should *never* have come. Not after three years. "Tom," he repeats, never catching my eyes. "Please, come in." It's a mistake, I know it. But I just have to, and if it's only to say goodbye properly. I can only hope that I won't hurt him again. --- The End --- "Der Froschkönig" von den Toten Hosen Ich frag mich wie's dir gerade geht und was du jetzt wohl machst du denkst bestimmt schon lang nicht mehr an mich und das, was damals war wir stolperten in unser Leben vor einer halben Ewigkeit wir waren beide nicht mehr nüchtern besoffen vor Verliebtheit Ich wollte immer jemand für dich sein der ich ganz bestimmt nie war auch wenn ich's noch so doll versucht hab ich hab es leider nie geschafft Ich wollte dich in deiner Welt besuchen doch ich flog immer dran vorbei deinen Träumen bin ich hinterhergejagt ich hab sie nie erreicht ich versuchte, dir ganz nah zu sein jede Nacht in unserm Bett doch während ich deine Hand hielt war dein Herz meilenweit weg Ich wollte immer jemand für dich sein der ich ganz bestimmt nie war das ständige "In-die-Augen-schaun" hat uns blind gemacht ich war nie der, den du suchtest auch wenn ich "Hier!" geschrieen hab als du nach jemandem gerufen hast weil du alleine warst In unsern besten Momenten waren wir zusammen im Paradies doch irgendetwas holte uns immer viel zu schnell zurück viel zu schnell zurück viel zu schnell zurück viel zu schnell zurück immer viel zu schnell zurück Ich wollte immer jemand für dich sein der ich ganz bestimmt nie war als du nach mir gerufen hast weil du alleine warst trotzdem würd ich denselben Weg noch einmal mit dir gehen auch mit all den Fehlern den ich bereue nichts Ich bereue nichts Bereue nichts Bereue nichts