The BLTS Archive- Roads
#1: The Road Not Taken
by T'Lin (linkys@aol.com)

---

Feedback: of course.

Archiving: KSOF, ASC/EM, BLTS and my page. All others please ask
first.

Note: Part of the Kirk/Spock Online Festival

Warning: contains angst, jealousy, anger, denial, lust and love ...
and  that's just from Spock. Oh, yeah ... this story is about m/m love
... there's  no sex, per say, just a little foreplay ... tentative,
first time kind of stuff. If you are underage, or you find this sort
of thing distasteful, READ NO FURTHER ... this is definitely not for
you.

Disclaimer: You know the drill ... Paramount/Viacom, owns all, etc.,
etc., etc.! This was written purely for the fun of it ... and because
I can not pass up a challenge >:-] ... no copyright infringement
intended.

T'Lin - 0010.13

---
CAPTAIN'S LOG:


Our final orders have just arrived ... we are to meet up with the
LEXINGTON, and transfer over a group of scientists who are on their
way home to Earth. We are then to proceed home. Barring any unforseen
incidents, we will reach Earth's orbit in approximately 30 days, where
the ENTERPRISE will go into dry-dock for a complete refit. Our five
year mission is at an end.

Although there is no news yet about future crew assignments, I have
been told that my requests and recommendations are being considered.
I'm glad to hear that, as this crew has performed admirably, and they
deserve everything I have recommended for them.

END LOG.

---
PERSONAL LOG:


On a more personal note, I am having second thoughts about the request
I made for myself... I'm not sure if it would be a good thing for me
to sit around Starfleet Headquarters while I wait for the ENTERPRISE
refit to be completed. Suddenly, teaching does not seem as interesting
as it did when I made the suggestion to Komack.

Of course, another option would be requesting another command, which
would make me unavailable for the ENTERPRISE when she is done. This I
will not do ... I want the ENTERPRISE back, and that's that! We've
been through too much together over the past five years ... both good
and bad ... to walk away from it now, just so I will not be bored.

Besides ... I *do* need a break. This has been a difficult five years,
no matter how rewarding they have also been. To constantly be
responsible for the lives of all who serve under your command ... the
need to balance duty and obligation with the desire for friendship and
love ... all of these things are draining ... both physically and
emotionally.

So I guess my original request is the best option for me ... but what
about Spock? Will he be willing to do the same in order to be my First
Officer once again? Or will he decide to move on, accepting a command
of his own? He does deserve it ... although I must admit, I will be
lost without him at my side. Of course, if he decides to move on, I
will do nothing to hold him back ... that would be completely unfair
to him. 

Damn ... I'm tired ... here I am, driving myself nuts ... trying to
make a decision about something that hasn't even been offered to me
yet ... and may never be. Besides, I have the strange feeling that the
Brass have something else in mind for me ... and if it's what I think
it is, I will have a much larger problem to deal with than the boredom
of teaching.

END LOG.

---

Kirk and Spock were in the transporter room, awaiting the transfer
from the LEXINGTON. Spock could see that the Captain seemed troubled
... whether it was about their current assignment, or something more,
he did not know. He did, however, know that the two of them needed to
talk ... soon.

Knowing that there were only a few moments before the scientists
beamed up, Spock asked, "Captain ... will you join me for dinner this
evening?"

"Wha...?" replied a slightly distracted Kirk, as if he had been
unaware that Spock was next to him. "Dinner? Of course." As Kirk
focused on the  conversation, his mood visibly brightened, and he went
on, "actually, there are a few things we need to get straightened away
before we dock, and now is as good a time as any. The closer we get to
Earth, the less time we'll have for 'personal time', I fear."

"My thoughts exactly."

Before Spock could say any more, the intercom chirped, "Uhura, to
Captain Kirk."

"Kirk here."  

Uhura -- who was on the bridge, sharing ships logs, and making
arrangements to swap entertainment tapes, as was the custom whenever
two ships of the line met in space -- replied, "Captain, the
scientists are ready to beam aboard. I've transferred their
coordinated to the transporter room."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Just doing my job, Cap'n ... Uhura, out."

Anxious to get underway once more, Kirk told the transporter operator
to  energize. It would take several trips for the whole party to
arrive, and even more time for all their equipment to be transferred
to the cargo bay. The sooner they got started, the sooner they would
be done ... then he could spend the evening in quiet discussion with
his First Officer.

As the first group arrived, however, all thought of spending the
evening with Spock left his mind. For there, at the head of the group,
stood Dr. Carol Marcus ... and next to her, a young boy that had to be
her ... correction, *their* son, David.

As the group stepped off of the platform, Kirk stood there,
dumbstruck. Spock immediately noticed the change in his demeanor, and
turned to speak to him, but noticed the look on his face. Spock had
not seen such a look of astonishment and pure joy on his Captain's
face in a very long time.

Curious as to the cause of Jim's elation, he followed his gaze to the
woman and child who had just stepped off of the platform. The boy --
who was blond and blue-eyed, and approximately ten Earth years old --
looked somewhat bored. The woman, on the other hand, obviously knew
Jim, and by the smile that lit her face as she came toward him, she
knew him well.

Suddenly, Spock looked to the boy again ... // could it be? // he
thought, as he looked to the mother, son, and his friend. // could Jim
have a family that he never told me about? // Spock frowned ever so
slightly as Jim finally regained his composure, and took the woman in
his arms.

After a brief, but fierce hug, he stepped back, taking her by the
shoulders, and said, "long time ... and all that." looking her up and
down, he smiled, and went on, "you look great! Why didn't you contact
me ... let me know you'd be coming aboard?"

 "Same old Jim ... you haven't changed at all." she said, as she, too,
looked him over. "And I didn't contact you because I had no idea what
ship we were transferring to ... had I known, I would have warned you
... although I must admit," she added with a twinkle in her eye, "the
look on your face when I materialized was priceless ..."

At her words, Jim looked away, to the boy at her side. Although he had
never met David, there was no mistaking him ... the family resemblance
was undeniable. Seeing where his gaze fell, Carol stepped away from
him, and called the boy to her side. "David, I'd like to introduce you
to an old friend of mine ... Captain James Kirk. Jim, this is my son,
David."

Spock could not help but notice the slight look Jim gave Dr. Marcus,
and her subtle shake of her head. // fascinating // he thought, as he
took in the scene. Just then, Kirk remembered that Spock was in the
room, and looked over to where his First Officer stood. Noting the
slightly raised eyebrow, he realized that Spock was adding things up,
and knew an explanation was in order ... later. For now, introductions
would have to do.

"Carol, David ... I'd like to introduce you to my First Officer, Mr.
Spock." Giving Spock an embarrassed smile, he continued, "Spock ...
Dr. Carol Marcus, and her son, David."

Raising his hand in the traditional Vulcan greeting, he said, "Live
long and prosper, Dr. Marcus," and he turned to address David with the
same greeting. Introductions completed, the group fell into an uneasy
silence while the rest of the science team materialized behind them,
and quickly made their way out of the transporter room.

In an effort to diffuse the situation, Kirk started to explain to
Spock that he and Dr. Marcus had been friends while he was at the
Academy. At which point Carol spoke up, saying, "well, Jim ... a
little more than 'friends' ... after all, we lived together for over
three years."

Jim smiled, and added, "yes .. along with six other people ... four
cats, and a dog." They both started to laugh as memories of the
over-crowded student housing came back to them. As Jim got his
laughter under control, he added for Spock's benefit, "they were a
very interesting three years."

"Indeed," he replied, with a raised brow, and then added, as he once
again looked from Jim to Carol and the boy, "you must enlighten me
some time."

Jim frowned, and gave Spock a 'later' gesture, then turned to Carol
saying, "let's get you two settled ... then, perhaps, we could get
caught up over dinner?"

"That would be very nice, Jim. We do have a lot of catching-up to do,
don't we?" by now, they had reached the guest quarters that had been
assigned to Carol and her son, and as they entered the room, she
added, "let me get cleaned up and settled in. I'll get dinner for
David, then we'll have the rest of the evening to ourselves."

At her words, Jim looked to Spock, suddenly remembering that he
already had plans for this evening. Silently, he pleaded with Spock to
understand, and with a nod, Spock said, "enjoy your evening, Captain."
He was, however, unable to resist the urge to let Dr. Marcus know that
she had disrupted his plans, and added, "... however, if it would not
be too inconvenient, I would like you to join me for breakfast. After
all, you did say that there were several issues we needed to discuss."

"Yes ... of course, Mr. Spock," he said with relief and gratitude.
"0700  hours ... ?"

"My quarters, I believe, would be best ... the mess hall is too
crowded at that hour of the morning for discussion."

"Very well ... see you in the morning, Spock."

"Captain ... Dr. Marcus." And with a nod, he took his leave of them,
silently wondering  ...

---

Spock had experienced a wide range of emotions over the years, but had
always been able to control them ... and of course, he had also been
able to hide them from all around ... even himself, on occasion. Today
was no exception .. to anyone who saw the First Officer, as he made
his way to his quarters, it was 'business as usual'. Little did they
know that under that calm, controlled exterior was a man on the verge
of emotional collapse.

Spock was on autopilot ... his mind a thousand miles away, as he made
his way to his quarters. As the door closed behind him, he slumped
against the wall, collapsing to the floor as he lost his fight to
control his emotions.

Spock had been in love with Jim for as long as he could remember, but 
STARFLEET protocol made it virtually impossible for him to act on his 
feelings. And of course, he did not know how Jim wold have reacted,
had he known. Fearing rejection, he spent the last few years keeping
his feelings to himself ... it had been enough to just be there for
Jim, in every way that he could be.

Lately, however, he had gotten the impression that his feelings might
be  reciprocated ... and with the upcoming conclusion of their
mission, this  would be the ideal time to broach the subject. If their
feelings were mutual, they could leave STARFLEET, and make a life
together. If they were not, they could go their separate ways ... no
questions asked ... just a change of missions ... careers heading in
different directions ... no strings attached.     But that was not
what Spock wanted. He wanted ... no, *NEEDED* ... Kirk to be part of
his life.  As he slowly regained his composure, he thought about what
he had seen in the transporter room. Obviously, Dr. Carol Marcus was
more than just an 'old friend'. Disregarding the fact that she has a
son who looks so much like Jim, there is the undeniable fact that they
lived in the same house for three years! The Jim Kirk he knows would
never be able to resist that kind of temptation ... but then, why not
say 'old lover'? Where they trying to protect the boy? Does he not
know that Jim Kirk is his father ... something that Spock was  99.685%
sure of?

And if Jim *is* in fact the boy's father, what will it mean to him to
have his son come into his life at this time? They will have 29.35
days to 'get to know one another' ... and Jim and Carol will have the
same amount of time to get 'reacquainted'.

Will Jim regret not having them in his life for all these years? Will
he see a possible future with them that he feels he cannot find
anywhere else? Or would he be willing to give up the chance of a wife
and son, to share his life with a lowly Vulcan who has been too afraid
to tell him how he feels?   

// or am I being a fool? // Spock thinks ... realizing that this is
all  speculation ... pointless and without facts to back it up.

Slowly, he disrobes, and donning his black meditation robe, kneels in
front of his fire pot. Perhaps his answers can be found in the
solitude of meditation.

---

An hour after he had left them in their quarters, Jim returned ...
showered and changed into more casual attire. It was rare for Jim Kirk
to be seen on his ship out of uniform ... so rare that he couldn't
help but notice the stares and double takes he received as he made his
way from crew quarters to guest quarters.

As he entered the rooms that were assigned to Carol and David, he
noticed that the boy was deeply engrossed in a game of some sort, and
barely acknowledged his presence. Carol was nowhere in sight, but
called out from the other room, "I'll just be a minute ... make
yourself comfortable."

"Take your time," he replied, as he sat on the sofa, where he could
see what David was playing. He watched the boy play in silence ...
torn between wanting to talk to him, and not wanting to disturb his
game. // there's plenty of time to talk // he thought, as he realized
they would have nearly a month together before they got home. // I may
not be able to be his father ... but I *can* be his friend //

As Carol came into the room, he shook himself mentally. There was no
point in actually thinking about *being* David's father, for although
he *was*, biologically, Carol had made it perfectly clear right from
the beginning that he had no obligation to her or David. As a matter
of fact, she had no intention of ever telling David that James T. Kirk
*was*, in fact, his father.

"Carol ... you look beautiful," he said, as he stood ... allowing her 
presence to distract him from his son.

"Why, thank you ... and may I add that you look rather dashing this
evening, too."

Kirk bowed his head slightly as he accepted her compliment, then
asked, "are you ready?"

"Yes," she replied, as she went over to David, and kissed him on the
top of the head. "Don't stay up too late ... and remember, if you need
anything, Tammy is right next door."

"I know, mom," he murmured, "... have a good time," and with that, he 
returned his full attention to the game.

Taking Carol by the hand, he led her out of the room, and to the
Arboretum. The journey there conducted in silence, as both appeared to
be lost in thought. 

When they arrived at their destination, Carol stopped short, and
looked all around. The room was full of exotic plants ... some with
brilliant flowers, others of odd-colors for plants ... at least from a
human point of view. In the midst of this profusion of leaves and
blossoms sat a small table, set for two. Beside the table was a bottle
of champagne. 

Seeing her reaction, Jim couldn't help but smile as he took her by the
elbow and directed her to a seat. He deftly opened the champagne
bottle, and filled the two glasses before he sat, himself. Raising his
glass to Carol, he said, "to old friends."

"Old friends," she repeated, and they clicked their glasses and sipped
the bubbly wine. "It *is* good to see you, Jim. It's hard to believe
that it has been nearly 10 years."

"9 years, 7 months, 23 days ... and an odd number of minutes," he
added with a sly smile, "I could always call Spock here to calculate
them for me."

She laughed, saying, "no ... that won't be necessary." As her laughter
died down, an awkward silence fell between them. In all the years
since she decided to have a child, she never once regretted the
decision to raise him by herself ... but now, with Jim sitting right
across the table from her, she wondered if *he* ever regretted not
being part of David's life. // hell ... it's not like I even gave him
the choice // she thought, as she watched him closely. 

It was obvious to Carol that Jim, too, had something on his mind. As
she  watched him, he appeared to be looking back at her ... without
actually  seeing her. After several minutes of silence, he appeared to
shake himself slightly, before focusing on his companion. They both
began to speak at the same time, eliciting more laughter from the
couple.

Eventually, Jim said, "a credit for your thoughts?"

"Oh ... just a lot of silliness. You know, the kind of things one
tends to think about when their past catches up with them." She tried
to shrug off her melancholy, but Jim saw through her ruse. "What about
you?"

"The same, I'm afraid." he sipped his champagne before continuing,
"I've been finding myself asking 'what if ...?' a lot lately. Our
mission is coming to an end, and new choices and decisions must be
made ... I suppose that has a lot to do with it."

Carol sat back and sipped her champagne, once again studying Jim
closely. She quickly came to a conclusion, and asked, "Jim ... are you
happy? Was your journey to the stars all you expected it to be?"

Jim didn't hesitate, "Yes ... I'm happy. To be in space ... the
exploration ... the discoveries ... all of it ... it more than matched
my expectations." He paused, thinking, then added, "of course, there
were also some disappointments ... the inevitable 'red-tape' ...
unavoidable conflicts where people under my command lost their life
... worlds and people we could not help because of the Prime Directive
... but I wouldn't trade any of it."

"I am glad to hear that," she said, almost in a whisper. Once again
she  seemed to compose herself, before continuing, "this one's a bit
tougher ... have you had enough yet?"

He looked at her as if he had been expecting the question ... as if he
knew where she was going with this line of questioning, and was afraid
of the outcome if he answered. To mask his fear, he refilled their
glasses, then set his down, untouched. Leaning his elbows on the
table, and resting his chin on his joined fists, he finally said, "to
be truthful ... I don't know."

She gave a hollow laugh before she replied, "well ... at least you're
honest about it." Seeing that he was going to speak, she raised her
hand to stop him, continuing, "no ... don't say anything. When you and
I made our arrangement 10 years ago, I told you that you had no
obligation to me or my child ... I have no right to ask you to change
that now. But I would like to know ... have you ever thought about
settling down, doing the 'family' thing?"

"Of course I have ... and I have a feeling that every person on the
ship has at one time or another. But you'd have to admit ... we would
hardly have a 'typical' family!" He stood, and paced in the small
space around their table, then turned to look at Carol once again.
"May I ask you something?" at her nod, he continued, "You know me ...
you know my tastes and pleasures ...so tell me, if I were to leave
Starfleet ... be your 'husband' and David's father ... would you be
happy with that kind of marriage?"

It was Carol's turn to hesitate, but only for a heartbeat. When she
looked him in the eyes, she could see the fear there, and answered at
once, "Yes, I could. I have lived alone with my son for almost 10
years ... I could use a little companionship, if you would be
willing." She did not want to scare him off, so she quickly amended,
"there's no need to make the decision tonight ... or even before we
reach Earth. Take your time ... if you agree to this, I want you to be
absolutely sure that this is right for you."

With those words, Jim once again took his seat, and the conversation
moved onto safer subjects. The tension, however, remained in the
background ... to Jim, it reminded him of the night that Carol had
approached him about wanting a child, and what she needed from him ...
no strings attached.

At that time, he had feared she would change her mind, and want more
from him than he was able to give her. To his amazement, she never
did, she was apparently perfectly content with her choice of
single-parenthood. So, when he saw her and her son for the first time
today, he was surprised to realize that he wished that she *would* ask
more of him ... and now that she *had* ... he wasn't so sure any more.

Distracting himself from his musing, he found other topics to discuss.
She told him what she could of her work in terra-forming, and the knew
techniques they were experimenting in ... he talked about some of the
fascinating places he had been.

They ate as they talked, and soon, it was time for Carol to return to
her rooms. Jim escorted her through the ship once more, and left her
at her door, saying, "I will consider your proposal ... but I want you
to think about something, as well."

"And what would that be?" she asked, not sure she wanted to hear the
answer.

He took her by the shoulders, and looked into her eyes, saying
"Consider  letting me know David, as his father, even if I do not
agree to marry you."

She nodded, then said in a small voice, "I will think about it."

"That's all I'm asking," and he kissed her on the forehead, and gave
her a hug.

She returned the hug with a strength that surprised him ... as if she
was desperate not to let him go. Her hug, however, was as brief as it
was fierce ... she stepped back, and activated the door mechanism.
"Good night, Jim."

"Good night, Carol"

---

Jim arrived at precisely 0700 hours. He pressed the buzzer, and after
a  moment, the door opened. When he entered Spock's quarters, he was
surprised to note that he looked tired ... as a matter of fact, his
hair was slightly mussed, and he needed a shave. Jim smiled, as he
realized that he must have woken Spock up. 

"Am I early?"

"No, Jim ... I was meditating," Spock replied, then continued somewhat 
embarrassed, "I lost track of time."

Jim, unable to resist teasing his Vulcan friend, said, "you ... loose
track of time ... amazing!"

He expected to see that little half-smile Spock would give him when he
knew he was being teased, and realized there was something wrong when
he didn't get it. Assuming that Spock was upset about the change of
plans the night before, Kirk quickly said, "Spock ... I'm sorry about
last night." He smiled, and chuckled slightly as he went on, "but you
know how it is ... hell ... I was so shocked to see her after all
these years, I didn't know what I was doing or saying."

"Understandable. There is no need for an apology." Spock led the way
into his small service area, where he had set up his small table for
breakfast. He had already programed banana pancakes for the two of
them, with coffee for Jim, tea for himself. In seconds, their
breakfasts had arrived, and the two sat down to eat in silence.

Jim was the first to break the silence. "Spock ... as you know, there
were some things I wanted to discuss with you."

"Yes, Captain."

"Well ..." he paused, not knowing where to begin. Finally, he decided
a  direct route was the best way. "Spock ... I wanted to discuss the
future with you. I wanted to see what you had planned to do once we
get back to Earth ... whether or not you intended to request a command
of your own, or wait around, so that you could be my First Officer,
when I get the ENTERPRISE back."

Seeing that Spock was about to say something, he held up his hand to
stop him, "no, don't answer me yet ... there's more. I wanted to know
this, so that I could make up my mind about what *I* was going to do.
But now, the situation has been further complicated."

"How so, captain?" Spock asked, although he could already guess. 

Jim finished his coffee, then stood and started to pace. He spoke
softly, but knew that Spock could hear every word, "until yesterday, I
figured I had a couple of options available to me once we get back to
Earth. One ... I could accept another command, head right back out
here without skipping a beat ... but miss out on commanding the
ENTERPRISE when she's ready once again, or two ... request a teaching
position at Starfleet Academy, where I'll be Earthbound for the next
18 months, while the ENTERPRISE is going through her re-fit."

He stopped his pacing, facing Spock as he continued, "now, apparently,
I have another option ... one I never expected to come my way."  He
paused once again, trying to read any reaction on Spock's face ...
"Carol asked me to leave Starfleet ... and marry her ... to be a
father for David."

Spock sat, as if made of stone. He had prepared himself for something
like this ... but it still hurt to hear Jim say it. When he knew that
he could speak without emotion in his voice, he looked into the eyes
of the one he loved, and asked, "is the boy your son?"

"Yes." Spock closed his eyes ever so briefly ... to most, the subtle
change would barely be noticed, but to Jim, it spoke volumes ... loss,
betrayal, anger, grief ... all these emotions, and more, were in that
simple gesture . Kirk turned away, and resumed his pacing ... he could
not look into those eyes that could express so much.

When he spoke, his emotion was evident in his voice, his words sounded
harsh and full of anger ... he did not take notice of it. "Jim, I
cannot presume to tell you how to live your life. You must do as your
heart tells you." He was about to say more when Kirk stopped and faced
him, a look of pure anguish on his face.

"But Spock ... my heart is torn! I want to know my son ... but is that 
knowing worth the price of giving up everything I love?" Tired, worn
out and dejected, Kirk turned and sat on the sofa, elbows on his
knees, and his head in his hands, "I don't know what to do," he
murmured.

Spock, seeing his Captain like this, wanted to reach out to him ...
offer him comfort ... but knew that his advances would be unwanted.
Obviously, his friend was torn between his love of exploration aboard
the ENTERPRISE, and the chance to have a family ... Spock did not see
how his own desires could do anything but further complicate the
situation, so kept them to himself.

Finally, he offered the only words that he trusted himself to say,
"Jim ... I wish I could help you ... tell you what you should do ...
but I cannot. You have to make this decision by yourself."

Composing himself, Kirk stood, saying, "I know that, Spock ... and
luckily, I don't have to make this decision right away." He wanted to
say more ... wanted to tell Spock that it was *him* he would rather
spend the rest of his life with, but knew that Spock would not
understand. Instead, he prepared to leave Spock's quarters, saying,
"It's getting late ... I'll leave so you can get ready for your shift.
See you on the bridge."

"Yes, Captain." And Spock watched him leave ... still wishing he could
have held him ... comforted him ... offered a solution they could both
live with. 

---

Spock spent the morning on the bridge avoiding the Captain's gaze ...
yet could not help but notice that every time he looked in his
direction, Kirk was looking at him. There was something about his gaze
that made Spock wonder what was on his mind ... it was not the look of
dejection he had seen earlier ... more, a look of fascination. Spock
found himself becoming aroused, and quickly looked away.

By mid morning, he had some experiments to work on in the science lab,
and excused himself from the bridge. He would return after lunch.
Usually, he would ask Kirk to join him, but today, he did not ... he
needed the time alone to contemplate his own future, now that there
was no possibility of Kirk being part of the equation.

Finding a table set apart from the others, he ate his lunch in
solitude. That is, until McCoy entered, and seeing him sitting alone,
brought his lunch over to join him. "May I?" he asked, as he set his
tray down on the table and sat across from the Vulcan.

"If you must," Spock replied, without even looking up from his salad.

McCoy, who was nearly as perceptive as the Captain when it came to
Spock's moods, quickly surmised that something was troubling him. He
also knew it was not wise to press the Vulcan ... if he was going to
talk, he would have to do it in his own way. McCoy would offer himself
as a sounding board, but then it would be up to Spock.

Before McCoy was able to say anything, however, he saw Spock look up,
and a scowl cross his face. Turning to see what prompted such a strong
emotional reaction from the Vulcan, McCoy saw Jim enter with Carol and
David Marcus. Realization hit moments later ... Spock was jealous! He
could see it in his eyes, as he followed Jim's movement across the
room.

As Spock started to stand, McCoy grabbed his hand, prompting him to
sit once more, saying, "Spock ... sit down and listen to me for a
minute." He knew he would only have one chance to say what needed to
be said ... he just hoped Spock would listen.

"You have to tell him! Right now!" he said in an urgent whisper.

"I do not know what you are talking about," replied Spock,
half-heartedly attempting to rise once more. McCoy would not release
his wrist, however, and he was reluctant to make a scene. Taking
another tack, he asked, "Doctor ... are you aware that Carol Marcus
has asked Jim to marry her?"

"No ... but I'm not surprised. She tried that once before ... but it
would never work. Jim knows that ... and deep down, she probably does,
too." McCoy's hand moved from Spock's wrist, to cover his hand where
it rested on the table, as he said, "Spock ... I know you have
feelings for him." Spock tried to pull his hand away, but McCoy still
would not let go, but went on, "there's no denying it ... but, god
damn it ... if you don't want to lose him, you'll have to tell him."

McCoy could see that his words were ringing true for the Vulcan, so
pressed his point, while he had the advantage. "He's in a vulnerable
state right now ... the prospect of 'settling down' may look appealing
at this moment, but in a few years, he'll be restless. He'll want to
get back to the stars ... he needs the adventure ... the conflicts ...
the excitement. He's not the sort to sit by, and watch the grass
grow."

Spock considered McCoy's words, and knew they were true. He could not, 
however, reconcile the fact that Jim was David's father ... whether or
not he loved Carol right now was not an issue ... he must have at one
time, if they had had a child together. Or at least, he must have
thought he loved her. How could anything he had to offer compare to
that? He said as much to McCoy, who shook his head, saying, "yes, Jim
is the boy's father ... but it is not quite what you think. Talk to
him ... tell him how you feel ... and ask him about David. Otherwise,
I'm afraid he'll make the biggest mistake of his life ... and so will
you."  

---

Several days passed before Spock had an opportunity to speak to Kirk 
privately. They were both getting off duty at the same time, and found 
themselves in the turbolift, alone. Spock was on his way to his
quarters, Kirk, to visit with McCoy in sickbay. Not wanting to waste
this infrequent opportunity, Spock said, "Captain? Are you free this
evening?"

"I've no definite plans ... what did you have in mind?" He smiled as
he  asked, "dinner and a game of chess, perhaps? I've missed our games
lately. Sorry I haven't been around much, but you know how it is."

"Indeed ... dinner then, at 1900 hours ... my quarters."

As the lift came to a stop, Kirk stepped out, saying, "1900 ... in
your  quarters. See you then."

Spock smiled slightly as he saw the look on Jim's face, as the
turbolift door closed. // perhaps it is not too late // he thought,
knowing that Jim was looking forward to their 'dinner date'.

---

Kirk was not sure why Bones had asked him to come by after shift
today, but he assumed it had something to do with Carol, and her
proposal ...  apparently, rumors had already started about their
relationship ... not to mention the speculation about her son. Spock
wasn't the only one to notice the resemblance.

Of course, McCoy knew all about Carol and how David came about ... so
that was not why he wanted to see him. // maybe he just wants to offer
his advice // Kirk thought, as his shift ended, and he left the
bridge. As he stepped into the turbolift, Spock joined him. He smiled,
as he realized this was the first time in days that they had been
alone together ... he suddenly realized that he missed his friend. 

When Spock asked if he was free that evening, he automatically said
yes ... the tentative plans he had made with Carol could be put off
for the night. He had been spending far too much time with her since
she arrived, and had neglected Spock in the process. He was looking
forward to spending a quiet evening with his Vulcan friend.

As he entered sickbay, his mind was racing ... he suddenly realized
that, if he accepted Carol's proposal, he would most likely never see
Spock again. Surprisingly, that aspect of her conditions  had not
occurred to him before now ... to not only give up Starfleet, but his
best friend ... could he do that, and be at all happy with his life?

McCoy was in his office, finishing up some paperwork, as Kirk slumped
into the only other chair in the room. Looking up and seeing Jim,
McCoy swore, "damn!" He rose, went to the cabinet across the room, and
returned with a bottle and two glasses. Pouring a generous amount into
each, he handed one to Kirk and said, "drink that ... it will make you
feel better."

"Thanks, Bones ..." he said, after he downed the whole shot, "I'm not
sure if it helped, but I appreciate the sentiment." McCoy refilled his
glass, and Jim sipped the Saurian Brandy before he continued, "So
Bones ... what did you want to see me about?"

"Look, Jim ... I don't want to pry ... and god only knows, I'm not the
one to give advice on your love life," with this, he smiled, and
sipped his own brandy, then went on, "but I understand you've got a
major decision to make? And by the look on your face when you came in
here, I could tell it's wearing on you something fierce." Once again,
he paused for a sip, then changed his mind and finished the brandy
before going on, "Damn it, Jim ... I don't want to see you making a
big mistake ..."

His words trailed off, as he contemplated what else to say, without
saying too much. At times, Jim could be as stubborn as his Vulcan
First Officer ... but unless the two of them talk to each other ...
and get their feelings out in the open ... they were both going to
regret the outcome.

"Look ... I just want to let you know that I'm here, if you need
someone to talk to. But better yet, talk to Spock ... tell him about
Carol, and David ... if nothing else, he deserves to know the truth
about them. And you never know, he may be more understanding that you
could ever imagine."

"Actually, I'm having dinner with him tonight ... and you're right, he
does deserve to know the whole story." Jim set down his empty glass,
and stood, saying, "you never know, he may actually be able to come up
with a 'logical' solution to my dilemma ... something that neither you
or I would dream of in a million years."

// Oh, I can almost guarantee it // McCoy thought, but only said, "you
may be right. That Vulcan logic of his has got to be good for
something. Have a nice evening ... and let me know how things turn
out."

"I will, Bones ... and thanks for the Brandy."

McCoy sat back in his chair, and poured himself another shot ... he
smiled to himself, knowing that there could be only one possible
outcome to tonight's dinner ... unless they were both fools.

---

Kirk arrived at precisely 1900 hours. He had decided to bring a bottle
of white wine ... a very light and somewhat fruity vintage that he
knew Spock liked. He was already feeling slightly mellow from the
Brandy he had with McCoy, and wanted to stay that way ... the wine
would help.

He had also decided to make this evening less formal by wearing
civvies ... the brown, wrap- style tunic and loose fitting slacks were
far more  comfortable than his uniform. When Spock's door opened for
him, he was  pleased to note that he, too, had resorted to civilian
dress. The black  silk-like material of his Vulcan attire was
extremely flattering ...  accentuating his alien features and
physique.

Once again, Kirk found himself aroused by his friends presence, and
was happy he had chosen the clothing he had on over his uniform. The
tight slacks of the uniform made it virtually impossible to hide his
attraction to his Vulcan First Officer ... as a result, he spent a
great deal of his time on the bridge with his legs crossed ...or when
possible, with a padd, or clip board in his lap.    Spock had prepared
vegetables, stir fried in a spicy sauce, with rice ... and much to
Jim's surprise, also had a bottle of the fruity white wine. It was a
perfect compliment for the spicy meal. They ate in virtual silence, as
was traditional for Vulcan families ... commenting on the food, or the
quality of the wine, but nothing more until they had finished their
meal.

To Jim, it all seemed suddenly rather romantic ... what with the
subdued  lighting, and slightly warmer temperature that Spock kept his
quarters at. They had eaten dinner like this before in the years they
had known each other, but for some reason, tonight seemed different.

Perhaps it was the way Spock kept looking at him, as he ate ... or the 
knowledge that he was finally going to tell Spock the truth about
himself and his relationship with Carol. Whatever it was, he no longer
felt the fear and apprehension about his future. He could *feel*, deep
down in his soul, that tonight, he and Spock would come up with a
solution that he could live with.

Their dinner done, they cleared the dishes in silence, working
together as if one ... Jim felt a thrill of pleasure every time their
hands would touch, and wondered if Spock felt it too. He still had no
idea how Spock would react to his revelations, but trusted McCoy's
advice ... // maybe by the end of this night, I'll know if my touch
affects him, as his does me // he thought, and smiled at the prospect.

Taking the second bottle of wine with him into the living space of
Spock's quarters, Jim poured another glass for each of them, as he sat
on the sofa. Spock took a seat in the chair, facing Jim. As one, they
started to talk ... both stopping after the first word. Jim chuckled,
as Spock dipped his head, saying, "after you."

"As you know, I've been trying to make a major decision about my
future. And as you may or may not know, the longer I've been wrestling
with this  decision, the more difficult it is becoming. I find myself
torn in many  different ... conflicting directions." he paused to sip
his wine, trying to choose his words carefully. He had been rehearsing
this, in his mind, since he left McCoy's office, but suddenly, the
words were not coming to him.

He shook himself, and continued, "as I said, I'm conflicted ... you
told me to follow my heart ... but first, I must know where it is
leading me. Before I can do that, however, I must tell you a little
something about myself ... and the relationship I had with Carol
Marcus ten years ago."

He paused once again for just a heartbeat, then continued, "when I'm
done with my revelations, I'll need something from you in return."

Spock nodded his consent, then said, ever so quietly, "I am yours to
command. If it is within my ability, I will do it."

"We will see, when the time comes." Jim finished his glass of wine,
then  stood ... he always found it easier to talk if he was pacing ...
a trait that Spock was quite familiar with. "So ... where to begin?"

"At the beginning is always the best." Spock interjected, and received
a  small smile from his friend. He loved to see Jim smile, and was
glad to see some of the tension of the other morning had left his
features.

"Yes ... the beginning. Well, as I told you, Carol and I lived
together while we were students. It was a rather large house, with far
too many of us crammed into it ... but it kept the rent down. I was
attending Starfleet Academy, as were a few others in the house. Carol
was at a nearby University. We found that our class schedules were
similar, and soon found ourselves sharing transportation as well as
living quarters.

"We also discovered that, because neither of us were 'attached', our
friends were always trying to set us up with other people. We both
hated these 'blind dates' ... they always seemed to pick the
absolutely 'wrong' people for us. So, in order to stop the fix-ups, we
decided to always be there for the other ... if there was a formal
occasion that one needed to attend for school or whatever, the other
would be their 'date' for the evening.

"It was a perfect solution ... leaving both of us free to pursue
'other  interests', without the complication of having to explain our
'preferences' to anyone."

"If I may ask a question?" Spock asked, slightly confused by Jim's
choice of words. At his friends nod, he asked, "why would you have to
explain your preference to anyone? I would think that if they were
'setting you up' with the wrong type of person, all you would have to
do is tell them your preference, and the problem would be solved. Am I
mistaken?"

Kirk chuckled, "yes ... you would think that. And had I been a bit
more  sophisticated at the time, I probably would have done just that.
But you see ... I was a country boy. Where I came from, my
'preference' was frowned upon. Carol was in a similar situation. So we
did what was best for us ... pursued our interests in private, and
'openly' dated each other."

"May I assume that your 'preference' was men?" Spock asked, realizing
that he had not been mistaken in his assessment of their relationship,
after all.

"Yes. And Carol prefers the company of women." He looked at Spock,
trying to read his friend, and was somewhat surprised to see a slight
smile on the handsome features. "You look pleased," he said, smiling
back at his friend.

"I am ... but please, continue your story. I must admit, I *am*
curious about David."

"Ah, David ... yes, I'll get to that in a minute." He poured himself
another glass of wine, and offered some to Spock, who accepted it.
Once again seated on the sofa, he continued his tale, "as I said,
Carol and I had an arrangement ... and it kept our friends from
hounding us about 'going out and finding someone'.

"By the time I was preparing for graduation, and looking forward to my
first assignment, things had changed for us. Carol liked the
arrangement we had ... and wanted to make it permanent. You see, all
her friends were getting married and having children. She liked the
idea of a home and family ... and thought our arrangement would be
perfect. We even talked about 'how' we would have a child, and decided
that artificial insemination was the best route for us. We made our
plans ... it wouldn't hurt either of us to be 'settled down' ... being
a 'family man' looked good on a résumé, after all.

"We had set the date for our wedding, it would take place one week
before I graduated. Because she wanted to have a child right away, and
the uncertainty of where I would be assigned once I graduated, we met
with a doctor before the wedding, who collected sperm samples, so that
he could impregnate her during her next fertile cycle, whether or not
I was here.

"Everything was going according to plan, until a week before the
wedding. Suddenly, Carol decided that she wanted me to request an
Earthbound post ... or at the very least, one on another planet or
outpost. The idea of taking off for a five-year mission on a starship
terrified her. She wanted me to be somewhere where we could be
together.

"I was not willing to give up everything I had worked for to remain 
earthbound, and told her as much. As you can imagine, we fought ...
and could not come to an agreement. The wedding was off ... I
graduated, and was assigned to the Farragut." He fell silent then,
composing himself to tell Spock the rest of the story.

"Obviously, this is not the end of the story ... for it does not
explain  David." Spock observed quietly.

"No, it isn't." He stopped to compose himself ... he had forgotten how
much Carol's actions had affected him until now. "I had been on the
Farragut for less than a month when I got a message from Carol. It was
short, and very much to the point. It said; 'I just wanted to inform
you that I have been impregnated, as we had planned. I do not expect
you to take any responsibility for me, or my child. As a matter of
fact, I do not intend to tell my child who its father is ... ever.
Good bye, and have a good life. Carol.'

"Eight months later, I got another message ... all it said was; 'It's
a boy ... his name is David James Marcus.' ... nothing more. The funny
thing is, I did love her, in my own way ... and I know she loved me.
But it would have never worked out between us ... not then ... and not
now.  I didn't realize until just now how much I resented her for what
she did ... never giving me a chance to know my son, even part time."

"So ... you have made a decision?" Spock asked, knowing that his fear
of  losing Kirk to Carol Marcus was no longer an issue.

"About Carol ... yes. I won't be marrying her ... and I hope she will
tell David about me, but I can't force her to do that. Maybe I can at
least convince her to let me get to know him, as a favorite Uncle."

"Perhaps. So now you are back to square one, as McCoy would say."

"Yes ... that's where you come in. I need to know what you plan to do.
Are you willing to stay earthbound with me, until the ENTERPRISE is
ready? Or do you plan to accept a command of your own?"

It was Spock's turn to hesitate. Seeing that the wine was gone, he
stood, and asked, "I am going to make some tea ... would you like
some, or would you prefer coffee?"

"Tea would be fine." was Jim's reply, smiling as he realized that
Spock was stalling.

"Very well ... I will just be a minute," and he left the room to get
the tea. Kirk stood, and went to the window, looking out at the stars
as they streamed past. It was always disconcerting to see the stars
through the unfiltered glass when they were at warp-speed, but it was
one of the many things he was glad to have seen in his life.

Lost in thought, he was unaware of Spock's return until he saw his
reflection in the dark window and felt the warm hand on his shoulder.
The touch, as always, sent a shiver through his body. He leaned into
the touch, and was pleased to feel Spock's body press against his
back. He closed his eyes ... lost in the pleasure he had only
imagined, but never thought to experience.

Spock's words, spoken so close to his ear, brought him back to the
present. "As you have opened your heart and soul to me this night, I
shall do the same. Come ... let us sit, and I will give you my
confession." he guided Jim back to the sofa, and returned to the chair
opposite him. The teapot was on the small table between them, and
Spock poured the aromatic tea into the cups. 

After sipping his tea, he set the cup down, and sat back,
contemplating Jim over his steepled fingers. Quietly, he spoke. "You
ask me what I plan to do with myself after we return to Earth. You say
that you wish to know my decision in order to make your own."

He paused, considering his next words carefully, then proceeded,
"Starfleet protocol has limited my ability to be truthful with you.
Since the moment I first met you, I found myself attracted to you ...
I found myself wanting to be near you. Not knowing how you would react
to my 'affection', and knowing that a closer relationship would be out
of the question if we wished to remain on the same ship, I made myself
be contented with what we could have.

"I had planned to tell you this the other night over dinner ...
depending on your reaction to my confession, I figured we could work
things out ... together. But when Carol and David arrived, and I
realized that he had to be your son, I *knew* I had read the situation
wrong, and you would never share my feelings for you. When you told me
of her proposal, I was certain."

Spock fell silent ... Jim watched him, still in awe that his own
feelings had been reciprocated. Finally, Kirk broke the silence,
saying, "What made you change your mind, and invite me to dinner
tonight?"

Spock looked up, and saw the love in Jim's eyes, surprised to know
that it was directed at him. "McCoy." he said simply, and saw Jim nod.

"I should have known," he said, smiling. Seeing the puzzled look Spock
was giving him, he elaborated, "he told me today that I should tell
you the whole story ... that you would be very understanding of the
situation. You see, he was there, on the Farragut, and helped me deal
with this when it happened. Obviously, because of this, he also knows
about my 'preferences' ... so, a couple of years ago, when he realized
I had feelings for you, I was not surprised." It was now Jim's turn to
be puzzled, however, as something else occurred to him. "Whatever
possessed you to tell McCoy about your feelings for me?"

"I did not ... he is obviously very observant."

"That he is." Jim sat back, feeling completely relaxed for the first
time in months. As he gazed across the room to where Spock was
sitting, he noticed that he, too, looked more relaxed than usual.
Breaking the silence, Jim asked, "so ... what's next? We still have to
decide what the future holds for us."

Spock stood, saying, "We do not need to make that decision tonight."
Crossing the room, he joined Jim on the sofa, sitting sideways, so
that they were facing each other. "There have been enough words this
evening," he said, as he lightly traced a finger along Jim's temple,
brushing a stray lock of hair off of his forehead. He continued to
trace along his cheek ... the contour of his rounded ear ... the
outline of his firm lips. Leaning forward, his own lips followed the
path of his finger, kissing Jim's brow ... the corner of his eyes ...
the tip of his ear ... and ending in a tender kiss on the lips, as his
hands continued their downward exploration.

It only took Jim a moment to join in on the exploration. As Spock's
touch set his soul on fire, he wondered once again if his own did the
same to Spock ... but at the moment, he was too busy to ask. He was
quickly getting lost in the sensations ... his need and desire
overwhelming him. As they made their way into Spock's bedroom, his
last coherent thought was that he would have to thank Bones for
forcing the issue ... in the morning, of course.

---

The End