The BLTS Archive- You Were Mine
by Natasha Simonova (astro87@home.com)

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Archive: ASC, sure. If anyone else is crazy enough, drop me a line

Feedback: PLEASE!

Disclaimer: Paramount's, not mine. The Dixie Chicks own the song.

Note: I wrote this a short while ago in response to a challenge, got
some nice feedback (Thanks!) Now I wrote a short, just as angsty
companion piece from JLP's POV, so I corrected the tenses in this
one, added the nice headers (which are threatening to become longer
than the story itself!), and am reposting it.

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I can't find a reason
To let go
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The chime sounds and you come in for breakfast. Our breakfasts have
become few and far apart, yet I set two places every day in hopes
that you'd come. I can hardly admit to myself how much I miss our
morning meetings.

You sit down, looking uncomfortable, as you often do around me now.
Yet today it is even more pronounced than usual. We eat in silence.
We don't have much to talk about. I remember how we'd laugh and talk
about the day ahead. It hasn't been this way for a while, but it got
worse after…

You speak, "Beverly…I wanted to tell you that I would be leaving for
the Ba'ku planet. For shore leave." Your voice is gentle but
underneath is still that discomfort around me.

I nod, using the excuse of eating a croissant to compose my thoughts,
"Really? That's wonderful, Jean Luc," I see you stiffen slightly at
my use of your first name and realize that for so long you were only
"Captain". When has it all changed? "How long will you be staying?" I
ask, fearing the answer.

"Several months to a year. I have a lot of leave saved up," you smile
weakly.

I nod again. I know whom you will be visiting. Yet I ask, not knowing
why, just to have my worst fears confirmed, "You want to see…Anij,
was that her name?" my tone is flippant, dismissing the terrible
woman as if she means nothing.

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Even though you've found a new love
And she's what your dreams are made of
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But she's far from nothing. She took you away from me. And yet, a
small part of me knows, it is my fault. I pushed you away, after Kes
Pritt we drifted farther and farther apart. I decided that we
shouldn't move on in our relationship and you, noble as always,
respected my decision. How I regretted that night! If only you knew
how many times I wish I could turn back time. How many times I wanted
to tell you how much I love you. Now, I've lost my chance.

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Sometimes I wake up crying at night
And sometimes I scream out your name
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Perhaps I had lost it long ago. You'll be happy with her. You need
the serenity, the peace, to get away from the mad ways of Starfleet
life. She can offer you that. And what can I? I can give you nothing.
I deserve every restless night, every nightmare, for the pain I have
brought you. Sometimes I have dreams of how things would have been if
I had not turned you away. And then I wake up and grim reality
intervenes.

You move restlessly, as if to get up, and I see you haven't eaten
anything, "I have to go now. My shuttle is leaving soon."

I stand up and walk with you to my door. You move as if to hug me,
then curtly nod your head and walk away. I look at the hard metal of
the door for a minute and then collapse against it. I feel I should
cry, but no tears come. I kneel there, silently, and curse Anij, and
all she can give you. But most of all I curse myself, and all I
cannot.

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What right does she have to take your heart away
When for so long you were mine
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The End