The BLTS Archive- The Hardest Thing
by Natasha Simonova (astro87@home.com)

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Archive: ASC, sure. If anyone else is crazy enough, drop me a line

Feedback: PLEASE! Any kind!

Disclaimer: Paramount's, not mine. Song by 98 Degrees.

Note: This is a companion/sequel to "You Were Mine", which was from
Beverly POV. I'm not sure if I'm completely happy with it, but... A
warning: definately NOT cheerful.

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I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
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I heft the bag onto my shoulder and get ready to step into the
shuttle, taking one last look around at what I'm leaving behind. The
crewmembers in the bay have been dismissed; the shuttle set on
autopilot. I wanted to be alone. There had been no farewell party, no
teary goodbyes. I didn't want that, and made sure everyone knew it. Of
course I'll be back, I tell them, and I tell myself. I get ready to
leave. The doors open and you practically run into the room. I don't
know why you came; I don't know why some part of me was hoping you
would. You catch your breath and just look at me. I can see I'll have
to break the silence.

"Hello, Doctor"

"JeanLuc." Is there a reason you came, or is this more of that cat and
mouse game we've been playing?

"I was just preparing to leave," I say carefully.

"I know." You sigh, look down, take a deep breath.

"Don't leave."

This is what I've been dreading and hoping. But I can't stay, can't
you see that?

---
As much as I want to,
I can't stay
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"I'm sorry, Doctor, but that's impossible right now."

"Don't Doctor me!" You explode, "I love you, dammit!" And then you
realize you've said it and turn away. I want to tell you I love you
too. I want to hug you and say we can work it out, but I can't.

---
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
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"Goodbye, Beverly" I say gently, preparing to turn away. And then you
start to cry, wiping the tears away impatiently.

"So long, Captain," you say in anger, and start walking away. I know
this is my last chance.

And I don't take it.

---
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
---

I can't let us continue this dance around each other. It's hurting me,
and it's hurting you. I'm moving on, and you have to, too. You'll find
someone else, someone who won't be afraid to love you, like I am. I
might come back, but chances are I won't find you waiting.

---
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
---

We'll see each other again, at a Starfleet function, meeting a mutual
friend. And we'll exchange "Doctors" and "Captains" and be on our way.
It's funny, how we've gone to such lengths to protect our friendship,
only to have it fall apart anyway.

I adjust the strap of my bag and walk into the shuttle, just as the
doors slide shut behind you. And I don't look back. Because I have to
let you go.

If only it weren't so hard.

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It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
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The End