The BLTS Archive - Points of View by Sasscat Bu-to-y (fitchett@netaccess.co.nz) --- Disclaimer: Yah, yah, Paramount owns all, I own diddly-squat. (c) Sasscat Bu-to-y 1999 --- _Captain's... Personal Log. Stardate 53373.4_ --- Well, I did it. Chakotay always said I would one day, and we'd laugh, but today I actually took a bag full of work down to shore leave. I found a little coffeehouse in one of the metropolises, and sampled the local beverages while I skimmed through my PADDs. I didn't really think.... They always warn you about that, in Command School. Signs of stress, overcommitment. Working on shore leave - didn't seem like that big a deal. I didn't get away with it, of course. About half an hour after I arrived Tom slid into the seat next to me, said something about 'what a coincidence this was', to let me know it was no such thing. They're always watching me, the crew. I don't know why they even bother with the pretence that I'm in charge anymore. Anyway. It was a lovely day, he said - it was raining - and he took my PADDs away. I put up a fight for appearance' sake, then we drank coffee together. Tom made up the most ridiculous stories about the other patrons. "See him? He was just fired. Having an affair with the boss's husband. It wasn't true, of course.... It was the dog all along." He made me laugh. Only him... Neelix... sometimes Tuvok. God, it felt so good. Afterwards he took me to a stretch of coast on the northern hemisphere, where it really was a lovely day. We went for a walk along the beach. It was strange.... No seagulls. Eventually I tripped on a piece of washed-up kelp, and fell flat on my ass. I think... it's almost as refreshing to be laughed at as to laugh myself. No one's dared laugh at me for a long time. Neelix, sometimes, and Tuvok. Always those three... but not even Neelix so much, anymore. Tom decided that was a sign we should stop for a bit, and sat down beside me while I complained about getting sand on my uniform. He said it would be good for me. He has a lot of ideas about what is and isn't good for me. Just as arrogant as when we first met, but now - as he said - 'using his arrogance for good instead of evil'. I'm not quite sure what that means, but it's a safe bet it's from the twentieth century. I asked Tom if Chakotay or Neelix had made it his official duty to relax the captain. He put on his best cryptic look; "That would be telling." Whether they did or not, it was working. I was sitting in old seaweed, laughing, and I didn't even complain about the stink. Tom asked me how relaxed I wanted to be. He wasn't trying to be insubordinate; I knew... *exactly* what he meant. But I was nervous. I said I'd get sand in a lot more than my uniform - I was trying to be funny, but it just sounded stupid and petulant. He didn't seem to mind. He smiled. I want that smile to be the last thing I see, when I die... his hand brushing hair from my face, the pads of his fingers so incredibly soft... his lips, even softer, warm and silky. We made love on the sun-warmed sand, and I.... It was... beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. He called me Kathryn, all day, with a sideways look every time to see if I'd challenge him on it. Later, when we were about to beam back to the ship, he stopped me just before I hit my commbadge; "Kathryn." He didn't worry about being challenged that time. "Kathryn. This isn't going to happen again, is it?" He already knew the answer. I shook my head anyway. "Okay," he said. Just that, "Okay." I think that was the most relaxing sound I heard all day. Then, before *he* hit *his* commbadge, I said his name. "Tom.... Thank you." He looked surprised for a moment, as if he couldn't imagine doing anything worth being thanked for. Then he gave me that smile again, the one I want to see when I die. And then... we beamed back to the ship, and everything was the same again. Next time we come across an M-class planet - whether we're due for shore leave or not - I'm going to find a secluded stretch of coast. I'm going to sit in the sand, and play with damp seaweed. And I won't care if it smells. --- _End Log_ --- --- _Ensign Paris's Personal Log, Stardate 53373.4_ --- She let me touch her. Captain Janeway, that is, on shore leave. Someone had seen her sneaking off to the transporter room with a pile of PADDs, and I drew the short straw. Tuvok beamed me down in the middle of a rainstorm - I bet he did that on purpose - on some miscellaneous street without so much as a guess which direction to try-- of course, as soon as I saw the coffeehouse I knew where to go. Smelled the coffeehouse, I should say, because I've never been good at picking up alien lettering systems. The smell was unmistakable. Rich, spicy, mouth-wateringly good... just like the captain. Kathryn, I called her - I figured if I was going to be in the line of fire I might as well go for broke - and she let me do that, too. I don't know how long we spent in that coffeehouse after I stole her PADDs. I mean, mission accomplished, I was supposed to take them back to the ship and let her spend her shore leave in peace. But I didn't. I sat by her, and acted as stupid as I ever have in my life to see if I could make her laugh - and I *did*. God. She laughed. I haven't heard her laugh since my Captain Proton program got all those aliens killed. That sounds-- Computer, delete that sentence. I haven't heard her laugh since we banded together to defeat "Doctor Chaotica and his Army of Evil". And even then-- Where am I going? I was talking about today. Computer, delete back to 'she laughed'. *I* made her laugh. *Me*. Not Neelix, not Chakotay or Seven. Me, the screwup, the disappointment. Maybe things aren't that bad. Well, shit, after what happened later I'd certainly *think* they weren't that bad! I took her to a beach on the landmass in the northern hemisphere. I didn't do it on purpose-- I mean, I took her there on purpose, but I didn't mean to... to seduce her. It wasn't like that. It was.... I don't know what it was. It wasn't sex. That's like comparing the Delta Flier to a bi-plane. I mean, the bi-plane is exhilarating and a helluva lot of fun to fly on the holodeck, but the Flier outclasses it by light years. It was like that with... the captain. The culmination of four centuries of knowledge; that is, hero-worship, devotion and respect. Yes, I still respect her. God... I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I couldn't bear that. I like to think it would matter to her, too. Hopefully it would. --*Hopefully* it will never come to that. She's beautiful and I'll respect her forever. I didn't want to say anything afterwards, to ruin... whatever air of protection we'd built around ourselves. I brushed sand from her skin, and she let me kiss her. I liked kissing her. I wish.... Actually, I'm not sure I do wish. Today was so... perfect, that anything more might just be an anti-climax. Anti-climax.... I didn't mean to say that. Computer, delete back to 'not sure I do wish'. Today was perfect. If we tried to pull some kind of relationship out of what happened, it would just be a let-down. Not to mention Chakotay would kick my ass; and a number of other people. Sure, I've made progress; sure, I've made friends. That doesn't mean they wanna see me sleeping with the captain, or that they'd assume the right thing if they did see it. And besides, I couldn't stand to see it end. It would have to, one day - and when we got to that point, I *would* be able to stand seeing it end. I never want to be that person. I never want to be tired of seeing her face, hearing her voice - well, sometimes when it's really early and I'm really tired, then I'm sick of that voice. But only sometimes. Usually I'm much smarter. God... love that voice. /"Janeway to Paris."/ ....Well, that was creepy. Pause log. /"Yah, I'm here."/ /"Were you planning on gracing us with your presence any time soon, Mister Paris?"/ /"What-- Oh. *Oh*. Um... yeah?"/ /"That's good to hear, Mister Paris. Janeway out."/ Resume log. Hell. Late for shift. God, I hate it when this happens. Um... --- _End Log_ --- The End