The BLTS Archive - Bleeding Hearts Are Still Red
tenth in the Festive Occasions series
by Sasscat Bu-to-y (fitchett@netaccess.co.nz)

---

Disclaimer:  Paramount own the characters, I just write the stories.

Author's Note:  Tenth Festive Occasion.  Double-digits.  Woah...
Set nearly a week after "It Takes Two to WaiTango".

(c) Sasscat Bu-to-y 1999

---

The staff meeting was almost over.  Just a couple more items to get
through, then Kathryn could go and lie down in a darkened room.  She
rubbed her temples for a moment then looked at her copy of the PADDs
Chakotay was passing round.

It was the revised shore leave schedule, and she noted with some
irritation that he'd put her on the first rotation, the same time as
Tom had his free day before beginning the Alskan pilot's license
training.  Was that supposed to be subtle?

Chakotay finished passing out the PADDs, and waited behind his chair
for comments.  He looked like he expected her to try and find some way
to get out of taking shore leave, but recalling the report the Doctor
had sent him on her head injury, she doubted he had any intention of
backing down.  However, Neelix was the first to speak.

"This looks just about perfect, Commander.  I don't imagine that
anyone will have any problems with this--"

She was tired, and her head still ached from the fall she'd taken last
week.  Kathryn wasn't in the mood for politeness.  "I'm not going,"
she announced, tossing her PADD onto the table.

Everyone turned to look at her.  "I've got a lot of work to do," she
explained, not meeting Chakotay's eyes.

He was ready for her.  "The Doctor said--"

"I feel fine," she interrupted, resisting the urge to rub her temples
again.  It wasn't as if she'd been *really* hurt, after all.

"You're going," Chakotay insisted.

Kathryn turned sharply to glare at him.  Not in front of the crew,
dammit...

"Oh, drop it, Chakotay," Tom advised tiredly.  "She can work herself
to death if she wants."

Kathryn bristled at his tone of voice.  "Thank you for your defence,
Mister Paris," she said coolly, "but Chakotay's right.  I really
should let myself recover from my *fall*," she added, knowing that he
blamed himself.  She noted with sadistic pleasure the way he flinched
away from her words.

"If that's all..." she added, quickly drawing attention away from his
reaction, "you're dismissed."  She nodded briskly and left before
Chakotay could corner her.

---

She managed to hide in the dim light of Leonardo's studio for almost
the entirety of the two days' travel to Kiel, the planet where they
were taking shore leave.  It occurred to her that an advantage of
Tom's inexplicable anger towards her was that he hadn't come to pester
her about a Valentine's Day party.

She shut that depressing thought out of her head as she strode onto
the bridge, and sat down to watch the viewscreen as they came in range
of the planet.

"Home," Ecel whispered wistfully.  Kathryn smiled slightly at the
woman - Ecel was, after all, the least irritating of the Alskan pilots
who'd brought Voyager here.

"Kiel is hailing us, Captain," Harry announced from his station.

Kathryn turned to face the viewscreen, hoping her weariness wasn't too
visible.  "Put it onscreen.  Minister Lariet, how good to see you."

With her fluted ears and ridged nose, the Alskan Minister of Tourism
looked like a strange mixture of Ocampan and Bajoran.  Her soft,
green-brown hair even cascaded around her ears and shoulders in the
same manner that Kes' had.  "Captain Janeway," Lariet returned the
greeting.  "Welcome to Kiel.  I hope your journey through our space
wasn't too tiresome?"

"Not at all," Kathryn hastened to reassure her.  "But I must admit,
we are looking forward to shore leave."

Lariet glanced to the side of her screen and nodded.  "You've been
cleared.  Reservations have been made for your crew at the Suncollapse
Hotel - I'm transmitting the coordinates now."  She pressed a few keys
while Kathryn smiled tiredly at what she assumed was a bad translation
of the hotel's name.

"Receiving the coordinates," Harry reported within moments.

"I trust you'll enjoy your stay," Lariet said with a warm smile.  She
really did remind Kathryn of Kes, the unusually coloured hair just
making her look even more like some kind of wood sprite.

"I'm sure we will," Kathryn said, trying to muster up some actual
enthusiasm.  If only she wasn't so damn tired...  "Thank you,
Minister."

"You're quite welcome.  Kiel out."

Kathryn turned to nod at Harry.  "Pass those coordinates on to the
transporter room.  Let's--"  She interrupted herself with a deep yawn,
swaying on her feet.  Chakotay chuckled.

"Looks like you might need to be transported straight from the
bridge."

She failed to muster up enough energy to glare at him and yawned
again.  "I don't think that'll be necessary, Commander," she said.
"But I think I'll go straight down - you've got command."  She nodded
dizzily and walked into the turbolift.

---

Kathryn materialised in what she guessed was the Alskan equivalent of
a hotel lobby.  She walked towards a man facing a computer terminal
set in the wall.  "Excuse me--"

"Captain Janeway?" he asked, without turning round.  "Welcome to the
Suncollapse Hotel.  Your rooms are on level three; turn left from the
lift and it's the first gold door on your right.  Press your hand
against the blue panel here to register your palmprint for the door."
As she complied, he continued, "The comm-unit in your suite has
buttons
for the caterers, the tailors and the prostitutes--"

"The--  I beg your pardon?"  Kathryn stared at the back of the man's
head.

"The caterers, the tailors and the prostitutes," he repeated
patiently,
swivelling around in his chair.  "Charged to your personal account."

"I, uh, don't think that will be necessary," she stammered, feeling
her face get hot.

"Should I charge them to Voyager's general account, then?" he asked.

"No--  Never mind," she sighed.  Sometimes these cultural messes just
weren't worth the trouble.  "Thank you.  I'll go straight to my room."

He nodded and turned back to his work, already forgetting her.  She
stifled another yawn and headed for the lifts.

It was getting harder to stay awake.  She rubbed her temples as the
rings of soft golden light swept her up to level three.  She stumbled
slightly as she stepped off the platform, and cursed.

"Turn left...  Gold door on the right," she muttered to herself.
There.  She hit the panel beside the door with her palm, and stumbled
inside as the door obediently opened.

She went straight into the bedroom - if 'straight' was the right word
for her wavering course - and collapsed onto the low bed with a thump
and another curse.  She lay quietly for a moment on the dark duvet -
thank God it wasn't pink.  She'd had a niggling dread that Tom might
have contacted the Alskans behind her back and asked for pinks and
reds 'in honour of Valentine's Day', but the decor was all in tasteful
gold and midnight blue.

Tom.  Hell.  Kathryn sighed.  She really had to speak to him, find out
what the hell had been going on with him... apologise for what she'd
said in the staff meeting, she remembered with a groan.  Well, she
couldn't put it off forever.

But instead of dragging herself off the bed she let her eyes drift
closed, head still throbbing as her thoughts slipped away.

---

When she woke, her head was blessedly clear, almost painful in its
freedom of pain.  She opened her eyes halfway, squinting against the
bright light.  She had a strong feeling of deja vu.

"Kathryn?"  It was Alina's voice, and Kathryn felt a hypospray press
against her neck.  Immediately her head felt... she hadn't realised it
had still been hurting, but now it was even freer of pain.

"Alina," she murmured.  Of course, she must be in Sickbay...  Well,
that explained the deja vu.  She groaned and started to sit up.

Alina grabbed her as white pain lanced through her skull, pushing her
back onto the biobed.  "Be careful, sweetie.  Don't sprain yourself,
or the Doctor will have me reading Gray's Anatomy for homework again."

"Aren't you supposed to be on shore leave?" Kathryn asked.

Alina was silent for a moment, long enough to make Kathryn look at
her.  "Yeah.  I came to see if you wanted to go mall-bashing, but I
couldn't wake you up.  So I came back to the ship with you."

"Oh... sorry," Kathryn said, rolling her head back to stare at the
ceiling.  "How long...?"

"About three days," Alina said honestly.  "If you didn't want to go on
shore leave, you could have just *said* so, you know."

"I did," Kathryn said, laughing slightly.  "Oh, I missed Valentine's
Day."

"What?" Alina asked.

"Valentine's Day."  At the ensign's blank look, Kathryn lifted her
head.  "You've never heard of Valentine's Day?"

Alina shook her head.  "What is it, some newbie Earthfest?"

"*New*?" Kathryn repeated incredulously.  "It's ancient... six, seven
centuries at least.  I don't believe you've never heard of it...  I
must have been spending too much time with Tom," she said, shaking her
head.  She groaned as pain stabbed at her.  "I thought the Doctor
fixed this."

"It was worse than he realised," Alina explained.  "We, um...  We had
to do some pretty drastic surgery."

Kathryn felt a cold feeling wash through her.  "Drastic?  How so?"

"Well, you were having some pretty severe cranial haemorrhages...  I'm
afraid we had to remove your brain."

Kathryn actually blinked at her for a moment before clueing in.  "Oh,
shut *up*," she said in disgust.

"Sorry," Alina said with a yawn.  "I always verge on bad taste when
I'm tired.  That boonie blood, you know.  How're you feeling?"

"Like my dog's litterbox," Kathryn groaned.

"Like--  Ooh, that's a good one."  The door opened and Alina glanced
up.  Her face hardened suddenly; it didn't suit her.  "Pretend you're
asleep," she told Kathryn.  "I told you, Paris, she's not up to
visitors."  Kathryn's eyes flew open again at the name.  Alina said
sarcastically, "Aren't you supposed to be learning how to fly?"

"Don't you have anywhere else to go?" Tom groused, clearly frustrated.
Kathryn turned her head towards him, slowly.  He didn't notice her,
glaring at Alina.  "I just want to see if she's all right.  I'm not
going to whack her over the head again."

"What do you mean 'again'?" Alina demanded suspiciously.

"Oh, for crying out loud--  Kathryn, you're awake!"  He started to
hurry to her, only to be blocked by Alina.  "Dammit, Ensign, I need to
talk to the captain.  I have to be back on Kiel in a few minutes.
Don't make me pull rank!" he exclaimed when she refused to let him by.

"What rank, *Ensign*?" Alina scoffed.

"I have seniority," Tom ground out.  "I'm bridge staff."

"Not until you pass your training course.  Now get out; the captain
needs to rest."

Kathryn was bewildered.  "Alina--"  She started to lift her head then
quickly lowered it again, wincing.

"Later," Alina said tersely.  "Paris, get out or I call the Doctor."

Tom glared at her for several seconds, then looked at Kathryn.  His
eyes were apologetic as he told her, "I'll be back tomorrow.  We have
to talk."  He cast Alina one last irritated look, then left.

"Wha' was that about?" Kathryn mumbled.  Her head ached from trying to
lift it.

"Old story," Alina said evasively.  "It's not really important...  I
should get some sleep; I've been looking after you for pretty much the
three days you've been in here."

"Not until you tell me what that was about," Kathryn insisted.  What
was Alina hiding?

Alina sighed and wandered around the biobed, adjusting the readouts in
an effort to avoid Kathryn's gaze.  "Dirtside, when I was looking for
you, I passed his room...  I didn't know it was his, of course; I was
just wandering the corridor.  I'd reached the far corner when he-- the
door opened, and she--"  Alina shook her head and looked as far away
from Kathryn as she could.  "She was a street-linnie, Kathryn.  I'm
sorry."

Kathryn's stomach clenched tightly, a black fist of pain.  "One of the
hotel prostitutes," she whispered.  "Are you sure?  Maybe--"

"I saw him *pay her*," Alina interrupted, looking back at her with
burning eyes.  "He's a lin, Kathryn.  Forget him."

Kathryn closed her eyes and rolled over so she didn't have to look at
Alina anymore.  "You should get some sleep," she whispered, opening
her eyes again to stare bleakly at the air.

"Sweetie--"

"I'm tired...  Leave me alone."  She curled up as much as the narrow
biobed would allow, and kept staring at the air until she heard Alina
leave.

---

She dozed through most of the next day, occasionally picking at the
food the Doctor placed in front of her, and only in the evening
thought to ask where Alina was.

"In her quarters, taking some well-needed rest," the Doctor said.
"She's been depriving herself of sleep for the last four days."

"That's right," Kathryn mumbled to herself; "she told me.  I forgot."
She was sitting up, finally, at the head of the biobed, with a plate
of something bland and brown on her lap.

The Doctor frowned as she pushed the food around the plate.  "Do you
intend to eat that, Captain, or just study locomotion?"

"'M not hungry," she muttered, dropping her fork.  "I feel sick."

"That's perfectly normal," he insisted.  "Captain, you must eat.  I
didn't perform cranial surgery on you to have you starve to death in
my own Sickbay."

She sighed slightly and didn't answer, then looked up as the doors
opened.

"Where's Morrison?" Tom asked as he crossed Sickbay towards them,
looking relieved and curious to see Kathryn unguarded.

"Ensign Morrison is in her quarters," the Doctor said for the second
time.  "I suppose you want to distract the captain from her meal."

"Yeah," Tom agreed easily.  "Can we have some privacy?"

Kathryn finally figured out how to react, picking up her fork again
and clenching it tightly.  "I'm eating," she said, making no move to
actually put any food on the fork.

Tom looked taken aback.  "This is really important," he said finally.

"I don't care," Kathryn snapped.  "I'm off-duty.  It can wait."

"It's not strictly ship's business," Tom said meaningfully.  "I--"

"Then it can wait longer," she retorted.  "I believe you're supposed
to be training."

He glanced at the Doctor, then looked back at her in frustration.
"*Captain*--"

"Not *now*!"  Kathryn grabbed her plate to stop it falling off her
lap, and saw the Doctor face Tom.

"Mister Paris, you're disturbing my patient.  I must insist you
leave."

"Dammit," Tom started in exasperation, then stopped.  "Fine, forget
it.  I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea anyway.  I
won't bother you any more, Captain."  He strode out without another
glance.

Kathryn ate the meal without further protest.  As soon as the Doctor
took her plate away, she rolled onto her side and cried herself to
sleep.

---

She spent three more days in Sickbay, then was released to her
quarters on the same day as the pilots returned from their training.
Kathryn avoided the mess hall and decided, since she wasn't allowed
back to work yet, she could tidy up her quarters.

It was messier than she remembered it.  Trying to work out where all
her trinkets were supposed to go helped keep her mind off other
things.  Before she knew it, most of the day had passed and her
quarters were spotless.

Kathryn looked around, trying to figure out what to do now.  She
remembered an old twenty-second century novel she'd been reading, but
she hadn't seen the PADD while she was tidying up.  She checked the
edges of the room, moving furniture and keeping her mind busy thinking
about snatches of the novel.

All the half-remembered subplots flew from her mind as she pulled her
sofa away from the wall and say a glimmer in the light.  She reached
out and picked up the necklace, hearing the chains slither against
each other.

It was the one Tom had given her for Christmas, the one she'd thrown
against the wall in January and never seen since then.  Had it been
behind the couch this whole time?  It must have been.  She held the
small black pearl between her fingers, feeling sick again.

Everything had been going so well until this year...  She remembered
Mixin with a weak smile, felt tears sting her eyes as her thoughts
moved onto that Christian festival they'd celebrated with B'Elanna.
And then Tom had dumped her.  She'd gone too fast, and he'd decided
never speaking to her again would be better than telling her to slow
down.

Kathryn clenched the necklace tightly in her hand, closing her eyes so
she wouldn't cry again.  If he gave up so easily... turned to the -
what was Alina's word? street-linnies - on Kiel...  It probably
wouldn't have been worth pursuing anyway.

"It wouldn't," she repeated aloud.  She pushed the sofa back into
place and put the necklace on the table by her bed.  She replicated a
nutritious dinner because the Doctor was undoubtedly monitoring her
account, then left it on her desk and went to bed.

In the morning she put the necklace on under her uniform jacket.
Light duties for a week, the Doctor had said.  She snorted softly at
the thought.  There were no light duties when you were a captain.  So
she went up to her ready room with a pile of PADDs, and buried herself
in work.

---

A long time later - judging by the pile of PADDs she'd worked through
- Chakotay arrived with the results of the pilots' training exams.
Kathryn took the PADD eagerly, skimming down the list of (distinction)
passes until she hit a discrepancy and her mouth opened in shock.

"He *failed*?!"  Kathryn stared at the PADD in her hand.  "Dammit, we
need him at the Conn.  What the hell does he think he's playing at?"

"I don't think he did it on purpose," Chakotay said dryly.

"Get him in here," she snarled.

"Captain, maybe--"

"*Now*!"

Chakotay gave her a measured look then slowly reached for his
commbadge.  "Chakotay to Paris."

The tired, sarcastic voice was almost immediate.  "Let me guess, the
captain wants to see me."

"That's right," Chakotay said neutrally.  Kathryn turned away and
moved to glare out the window, arms folded.

A brief sigh.  "On my way.  Paris out."

The door chimed just moments later - he must have been on the bridge
for some reason, where everyone could hear his insolence.  Kathryn
felt her anger deepening, and turned back around.

"Come in," she ground out.  "Commander, you're dismissed."

He shot her a startled look as Tom walked in.  "What--?"

"I said dismissed," she snapped.

Tom smirked harshly.  "Well, if you insist--"

"Sit down, Paris," Chakotay said.  He glanced at Kathryn again, then
left her with him.

"We got the test results back," she said, throwing the PADD onto her
desk.  It skidded over the edge and he caught it, watching her warily.
"One person failed.  One of my pilots put himself out of commission
for the next *two hundred* light years!  Now, can you guess who that
might have been?"

Tom flushed miserably and put the PADD back on the desk.  "I'm sorry.
I've been a little distracted lately," he added pointedly.

"Oh yes, I've heard Kiel is full of distractions," she snapped back.
His head shot up.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

She bit her tongue to prevent a sharp retort and shook her head.
After a moment she said harshly, "Without a license you can't fly in
Alskan territory.  I have no choice but to transfer you to Sickbay.
Indefinitely."

"Indefinitely?!"  He stared at her in horror and anger.  "You can't do
that!"

Her voice was pitiless.  "I most certainly can, Ensign.  I can't
afford to have you at the helm if you fail when it really matters.
Report to the Doctor."

He stared at her for several long moments, and slowly stood.  Kathryn
tensed, doing her best to maintain a cold expression.  Her stomach
clenched involuntarily as his hand moved.

All he did was take off his pip and drop it onto the PADD displaying
the test results.  "Then I resign my commission.  Captain."

Her stomach clenched again and she inhaled sharply.  "You'd rather
resign than work in Sickbay?"

"I'd rather stay in the *brig* than work for *you*," he corrected.
"Or put me off the ship if you want.  Frankly, I don't think I care
anymore."

She folded her arms, heart pounding.  "And just where do you intend to
go?" she said coolly.

He shrugged slightly.  "Maybe Kiel; they were very impressed with me
up until the final exam."

"Oh, I'm sure certain people would be very glad to see you return,"
she sneered.  "Doing your bit for the Alskan economy, right?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded.  Kathryn felt a
flash of anger course through her.

"What do you think I'm talking about, Paris?  Your little whore from
the hotel.  You didn't think I knew about that, did you?"  His
stricken expression only made her angrier; body tense, fury vibrating
from her clenched fists, and all she could think about was yelling
until she felt better.

"How--"

"Discretion was never one of your better qualities," she snapped.
"How could you *do* that?  You promised you'd wait for me!  You
*promised*--  But the minute, the very minute I started going too fast
you dropped me quicker than unstable antimatter!"  She was practically
screaming at him, tears streaming down her face, and shaking with
pent-up rage.  "How the hell could you do that to me?!"

"I didn't do anything!" he yelled back.  "Five *years*, Kathryn!  I
trusted you, I practically worshipped the ground you walked on--"

"Oh, *bull*--"

"I *did*!  And then you decided I was only worth talking to if I'd
sleep with you!  Every day you were hanging over my shoulder making my
life a misery, and then we got to Kiel and I called her up, and I
*couldn't do it*."  He closed his eyes, choking up briefly, and
Kathryn slammed a hand down on the desk.

"Do you *really* expect me to believe that you didn't sleep with her?"

"No," he shook his head.  "No, I wouldn't expect *you* to believe
that.  Romulans see treachery everywhere."

It was her turn to demand, "What's that supposed to mean?", flushing
angrily.

"Oh, come *on*.  You can't pretend you were interested in me for
anything other than sex."  His voice was filled with loathing, and she
gave him an incredulous look.

"Who was supposed to be waiting for who?  I wanted to take it
*slow*--"

"Who started it?" he demanded.  "Who kissed me on Thanksgiving?  And
let's not even *talk* about Christmas and Mixin!" he scoffed.

"Mixin was *your* idea!"

"What about two weeks ago?  In the Jefferies Tubes?"

"When *you* kissed *me*?"  She stared at him, breathing heavily,
flushed with anger.  "You can't keep doing this to me!  You can't
just... just hate me then kiss me then hate me again--  God, you
pushed me down a JT shaft!"

"That was an accident and you know it!"  He looked hurt, nevertheless,
and she knew she'd scored a direct hit.  Served the bastard right.

Tom looked down and caught sight of his pip again.  His eyes narrowed
briefly and he straightened.  "Well, Captain, if you'll excuse me I'll
pack--"  He stopped suddenly, eyes glued to somewhere below her face.
Kathryn resisted the urge to step backwards as he moved around the
desk.  "What the hell is *this*?" he demanded in a low voice, jerking
the necklace out from under her jacket.

She pulled it from his hand, trying to ignore her reaction to the
brief contact.  "Don't you recognise it?" she said sarcastically, but
her words lacked the venom of a moment ago.

"Of course I recognise it; what do you--"  He stopped and took a
breath.  "You really didn't--  I mean, you did... care for me, didn't
you?"

Kathryn nodded wordlessly.  Tom drew in a breath and dropped his head,
then nodded as well.  He lifted his head again to look into her eyes.
"I didn't sleep with her," he said quietly.

She wanted so much to believe him, and that alone made her ask in a
small voice, "Really?"

She regretted it as a shuttered look passed across his face.
"Really," he said flatly.  "I was so angry... I wanted to hurt you,"
he admitted.  "But then all I could do was wish her hair was a little
redder, or her voice was a little more gravelly, or-- or *something*
that would let me have you again.  But she wasn't you."

She touched his cheek tentatively then rested her whole hand on it,
brushing away an errant tear with her thumb.  "I never meant to hurt
you," she whispered, fresh tears springing to her own eyes at the
words.  "Not like this."

"It was never meant to be like this," Tom agreed softly.  Kathryn
rubbed her thumb over his cheek.  Her skin tingled.  She slid her hand
around to the back of his head and pulled him down for a gentle kiss.

After a moment he drew back, shaking his head.  She felt her heart
sink, and said quietly, "You still think all I want is..."

"No... no."  He held her hand for a moment then put it by her side.
"I... just need some time.  That's all."  He backed away regretfully,
then turned and left.

Kathryn watched him go, the memory of his kiss fresh on her lips.  The
fighting, the hate-filled silences...  Could it really all be over?
Her heart skipped at the prospect.  And then she glanced at her desk,
and her smile faded into a frown.  Tom had left his pip there.

The door chimed, and she put the PADD and pip aside.  That would have
to wait.  She took a moment to wipe her face, and sat down behind her
desk.  "Come in."

Samantha, Makiko and Rien walked in.  Kathryn thought with amusement
that Alina must still be sleeping.  "How can I help you?" she asked.

"It's about Torres," Makiko said bluntly.

"She's Christian," Kathryn anticipated, smile gone.  Not these three
as well...

"Yes," Sam said, looking indignant.

"She's also Chief Engineer," Kathryn said before they could continue.
"She's been Chief Engineer for six years, and she's saved my life more
times than I can count.  I hope you don't expect me to change that
arrangement."

They stared at her for a moment before Rien burst out, "But Captain,
she--"

Kathryn quelled her with a look.  "She believes in a higher power?  I
wouldn't expect *you* to be protesting, Ensign."

Rien folded her arms.  "The Prophets have been proven to exist.  This
invisible god of B'Elanna's--"  She shook her head.

Kathryn thinned her lips, studying them.  "Is there something you want
me to do?  And before you answer, do bear in mind that I can bust you
down to waste extraction for the rest of the year if I don't like what
you say."  She waited a moment, then raised her eyebrow.  "Well?"

Makiko looked at Sam, while Rien looked murderous.  Finally Makiko
said, "No, Captain.  We won't ask you to do anything on our behalf."

Something about her tone made Kathryn a little uneasy, and she made a
mental note to warn B'Elanna.  For now, she simply said, "Dismissed,"
and watched the trio leave with a dark gaze.

---

End -- Festive Occasions series