The BLTS Archive- Back of My Mind
by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com)

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Notes - This is a follow up to 'The Back of His Head' and 'The Hand on
my Shoulder.'  Reading those other stories is not required.

Disclaimers - Paramount is god.  Well, at least it thinks so and has
the lawyers to prove it.  Don't sue me for this little story, since I
am only a humble, poor graduate student.  It's their characters and my
story.

Comments adored and welcomed.

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Every day I sit beside her.  Every day I look at his head.  They think
I don't know.  They think that they can hide their feelings from me.
I don't think they have done anything about it.  No, they're too smart
for that. Despite her feelings, she still follows Starfleet protocols.
Though I wonder if one day she will throw them out the window, as she
never did with me.

You'd think a couple months alone with me on a planet would have
started something.  Sure, we had some good times, and that bathtub was
a wonderful idea. But the minute we stepped back on the ship, it was
the Captain and the Commander.

I tried to keep up our close relationship, even if we had to remain
friends. Our meeting with the Borg destroyed all that.  We still talk,
but I know she holds back.  I think the day I finally knew it was over
was when the she told me about the letter from Mark.  I could tell
she was sad, but she didn't want my comfort.  She didn't realize it,
but I caught her looking at the helmsman throughout Neelix's party
that night.  Longing and sadness, both directed at him.

How could I have been so blind to miss the truth!  I loved her for so
long. I still do.  Despite my flings, I know my heart will forever
belong to her. What bothers me the most now is how she looks at me
funny when I call her Kathryn.  At first I thought it was because she
enjoyed hearing it.  Now, I know the truth.  She would only like to
hear it from him.

I feel sad to lose her, but I'm angry at him.  How can he toy with
B'Elanna's feelings that way.  In his own way he probably loves her,
but he would drop her in a second if the Captain asked.

That bastard!  He has done everything in his power to destroy his own
life as well as those around him and he still gets the girl, make that
both girls. How can the two most beautiful and intelligent women on
the ship both be in love with him.  Truth be told, I bet Seven
would fall in love with him if he tried.

God, how I want to hate them.  I've spent hours with my Spirit Guide
trying to work out my feelings.  I even yelled at B'Elanna,
questioning how she could be falling for that rogue.  The worst part
is that he really has changed since I first met him in the Maquis,
even since he joined Voyager. As much as I wouldn't like to admit it,
he has done nothing to win Kathryn's heart.  As far as I know, he
has been entirely faithful to B'Elanna.  My friend doesn't have to
worry that he will leave her of his own volition.  A reckless
accident, maybe, but he is not the man he used to be.

I think that is what really hurts the most as I think about the two of
them. She knows she can never have him, and doesn't care.  He knows
that he will stay with B'Elanna but still harbors his other love.  I
have lost my chance to a fantasy, a dream secretly shared by two.

Maybe it is time to speak to my Spirit Guide again.  Clear out the
thoughts which constantly rest in the back of my mind.  One day I will
not need to scowl at the back of his head.  One day I will not
jump as she places her hand on his shoulder.  One day I will let go of
my anger and love.

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The End