The BLTS Archive- The Hand on my Shoulder
by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com)

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Sorry to disappoint but there is no J/P/T, though that is an
interesting idea. This is a companion to my story, The Back of His
Head.  There will be another story set after these two in which J/P
comes closer to reality.  I should be posting it in September.

Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek.  What, you didn't know that?
I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters for fun.  While
Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are mine, so please ask
permission before using them, and always keep my name attached to
copies of this story.

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Life is good.  For the first time in a long time, I can actually say
that and mean it.  I know there are people who have worse lives than
me, growing up without parents, without anything.  However, the last
ten or fifteen years have been pretty bad.

It started out when my father's standards kept growing and I was tired
of keeping up.  Even in the years since I last saw him I still cower
at the thought of him telling me that I wasn't good enough. He still
has the power over me in the Delta Quadrant.  The letter that B'Elanna
was never able to recover represents my hopes and fears about him.

But that isn't my problem right now.  I don't have to worry about
impressing him, only the Captain.  I can't believe how things have
changed since I first met her.  I remember seeing her with my father.
She was always trying to impress him.  I didn't get to know her then,
but I remember respecting the way she was able to stand up to my
father, wishing I could do the same.

The next time I saw her was in prison.  How I wanted to impress her
that day.  I wanted out so badly that I was willing to do anything.
If she hadn't gotten me out, I don't know what I would have become.
One thing's for sure, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

She gave me my life back.  She gave me respect, even before I proved
my place on the ship.  I think I realized how much that respect meant,
and still means to me when I 'died' after the warp 10 experiment.  I
actually felt that someone would remember me, and be hurt if I was
gone.  Harry looks up to me because I saved him and because I have
more experience.  B'Elanna and Chakotay were tolerating me at that
point.  But the Captain respected me.  Even after that salamander
thing.  I thought she was going to kill me for that one, until she
made the comment that we don't know who started it. If I didn't know
that she liked Chakotay, I would have thought she was flirting with
me.

I would give my life in a second on her order.  I almost have a couple
of times.  All she had to do was ask and I threw away most of the
respect that the crew had shown me to flush out the trader.  If
Chakotay had asked, I'm not sure what I would have said.

Speaking of them, there are days when I wonder exactly what is going
on between them.  I am pretty sure that he's no longer pursuing her,
but she still seems to have that lost look on her face, almost like
she's in love.  I hear most of their whispered conversations, even
though I pretend to ignore them.  At first, I used to get angry
because they were flirting on the bridge.  Right behind me, while on
duty.  OK, maybe I was a little jealous of the attention he was
getting from her.  I certainly had a crush on her. Then I realized
that the Captain did it to break the tension as much as I make all my
dumb jokes and tease Harry.

Once in a while I wonder about the hand that she rests on my shoulder.
Sometimes she doesn't even notice it's there, but I do. At first I
thought she was flirting with me, but I'm sure it was just my
imagination.  The Captain respects me, but she would never see me as
any more than a colleague.  For whatever reason she does it, her hand
is a calming presence, reminding me of where I am.  I've earned her
trust.

It stopped for a while after Sakari VI and again when I first started
dating B'Elanna.  I thought that the Captain didn't want us to be
together, especially after she yelled at us during those alien
experiments.  But, her hand soon came back, supporting as ever.  I
want to do everything I can to keep her hand there.  She is the
stability in my life.

Why am I sitting here thinking of the Captain.  Of the beautiful woman
that Kathryn is.  NO, I am dating B'Elanna.  I am in love with
B'Elanna.

Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I had not been the
one trapped in the caves when the Vidiians tore B'Elanna into two
halves.  That was when I first realized that she was important to me,
first as a friend then more.  Now, I'm dating the woman of my dreams.
OK, maybe with a little more Klingon in her than I would have thought,
but I love her for that as well.

But, if I'd never realized that there was something beyond the brisk,
beautiful, foreboding exterior, my life would be very different right
now.  I think I would still be a lot closer to the Captain, and a lot
more jealous of Seven.

One of the rumors on this gossip mill of a ship is that the Captain
spurned Chakotay's offers to take up Seven on her offer to 'assimilate
her.'  I do believe that Seven is filling a void, but not totally for
Chakotay, and definitely not a sexual one.  The Captain would be a lot
happier than she is now, with all the techniques that Seven would have
assimilated.

The Captain was the one to break things off.  Never in words, which is
why Chakotay pined after her for so long, but something happened.  I
could feel the tension between them as they sat behind me on the
bridge.  The time she spent by me at the conn, seeming to draw comfort
from being apart from her chair, increased.  Also she lost Kes, a
friendly female confidant.  I think the emotional strain was too much
and she threw herself into another project helping Seven.

For a time, I thought she might try to seek me out.  I'm not a
councilor, but I certainly understand what it is like to be alone and
on the spot.   And like her I have two sides.  She doesn't show that
to many people, but I can see the emotional creature, Kathryn hiding
behind the Captain's facade.  Kind of like me, hiding my feelings
behind my behavior until I fell in love with B'Elanna.  Actually, I
think after I was together with B'Elanna was when I realized that I
was hurting the Captain too.  I was shutting her out of my life as
well, when I drew closer to B'Elanna.

She's more controlled now.  Handling the emotional strain better. The
tension is gone from the bridge and her hand has returned. Once in a
while I get a thought that the Captain, no that Kathryn likes...  Nah,
I shouldn't even think like that.  I respect her and she respects me,
and right now, that's all I want or need.

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The End