The BLTS Archive- Dreams vs. Reality
by Riss

---

WARNING - Character death.

Disclaimer - Star Trek Voyager, and all the Characters created on that
show belong to Paramount.  I'm just a humble fanfic writer borrowing
them for fun. I promise to return them unharmed, well, maybe just a
little angst.

Archive to ASC and Jupiter Station  and send to BLTS.

Thanks to my beta readers JMonroe, JanD and Nancy.  They get a lot of
credit for wading though my 'wonderful' grammar.

---

Kathryn entered her quarters and immediately went to sit down on the
couch. She just sat back an closed her eyes, trying to relax after an
excruciating day.  It had been a long day on the bridge as well as
helping out in engineering. Actually, she had expected to be in
engineering all night, but she made it home a little early.

She almost jumped when a pair of long arms slipped around behind her,
moving to massage her shoulders.  Without opening her eyes she turned
a little on the couch to allow them better access.  For a moment the
strong hands worked at her tense muscles, relaxing away the day

"You made it home.  I thought I would be spending another night
alone." The voice was a gentle tenor which seemed to echo through her
heart. "I couldn't stay away from you again."

"I'm glad."  He punctuated the statement with a gentle kiss to the
base of Kathryn's neck.  He followed up by tracing up toward her
sensitive ear with more kisses.  Not wanting to wait any longer, she
turned her head and captured his mouth in her own.

After a long, satisfying kiss, she finally opened her eyes and looked
at the man behind her.  Her breathe caught; the only thing she could
see was his beautiful blue eyes, staring back into her soul.  After a
moment, she pulled back and was finally able to look at the face of
her lover, Tom Paris.

They didn't keep their eyes open too long, preferring to return to
their kissing.  Gently, Tom turned her body around until she was
facing him. Then, he gathered her in his arms and slowly laid her back
on the couch. Her hands started roaming his body.  Needing to feel his
skin, she quickly started to unbutton the blue silk shirt he was
wearing.  His own hands mimicked her actions, starting to remove her
uniform.

---

The blaring of the red alert sirens quickly woke Captain Janeway out
of her sensual dream.  Immediately, Chakotay's voice came over the
conn. "Chakotay to Janeway."

Shaking off the last remnants of her dream, she answered him. "What's
going on?"  At the same time she jumped out of bed and started pulling
on her uniform. Chakotay just gave her the barest facts.  He knew she
was on the way.

"An unknown ship has appeared."

"I'm on my way, Janeway out."

Kathryn was not happy with herself as she pulled on her clothes.  Not
only were the dreams not stopping, but each night they grew more and
more detailed, only the blaring sirens had kept it from going into
erotic details. Not usually one to talk aloud to herself, she made an
exception this time. Maybe she needed to hear it in order to stop
thinking and dreaming about her helmsman. "You will stop with this
crush, Kathryn!  He is quite happy with B'Elanna and doesn't care
about you.  Dreaming about him is bad enough, but you will not look at
the back of his head while on the bridge and think of how much you
want to..."

"STOP!" By now she had the majority of her uniform on.  A quick stop
in the bathroom and her short hair was in order.  She hurried out of
her quarters towards the bridge, pulling her uniform jacket on over
her turtleneck as she headed for the turbolift.

The trip to the bridge was spent banishing the last thought of her
dream of Tom out of her mind and focusing on the coming crisis.  This
was her ship and crew. She needed to focus on all their safety, not
just that of a certain tall, blue eyed... "Damn."

Luckily the door to the bridge waited till after she said that to
open. As she stepped onto the bridge, her Captain's face descended.
Any thoughts not having to do with surviving whatever crisis had hit,
were now banished.

Most of the bridge crew were already at their stations.  Chakotay
quickly relinquished the Captain's chair.  Without even waiting for
her to ask the question, he quickly gave a status report.  "Captain,
an unknown ship dropped out of warp a quarter light year away.  They
immediately raised shields and powered weapons.  All attempts to hail
them have gone unanswered."

Janeway, despite the rude awakening was wide awake now.  "Have the
survey and food gathering teams been recalled from the planet?"

Ensign Kim jumped in with the answer.  "All teams are aboard Voyager.
And if I may have one more minute,"  Harry paused for a moment as he
carefully watched the readings on his console.  "All the supplies are
now aboard as well.  We can raise shields now."

Janeway acknowledged Harry's report with a nod and turned towards
Tuvok. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tom enter the bridge and
head to his station. Kathryn was happy the he was here near her.
However, as she always did during a crisis, the Captain blocked out
all feelings and emotions except the will to survive.  "Shields up.
What are the capabilities of that ship?"

Tuvok had already anticipated the question.  "The ship is
approximately the same size as Voyager.  It has phasers and torpedoes
comparable to Voyager.  I am detecting a slight phase variance in
their weapons systems which might allow them to penetrate our
shields."

Janeway's only reaction to Tuvok's statement was to ask another
question. "Can we outrun them?"

"Their warp drive appears to be capable of only warp nine point five."
Tuvok's voice, as always, was devoid of emotion which might have
colored other's voices at the idea of retreating.

Janeway took only a moment to consider their position before issuing
her orders. "Mr. Paris, prepare to engage in evasive maneuvers and
accelerate to warp nine point six.  Mr. Tuvok, open a channel to that
ship."

"Channel open."

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."
In the few seconds of silence before the other ship could respond, the
thought entered her mind about using her whole name.  At times it
seems as if she actually has two personalities, emotional and
intellectual. Ever since she first fell for Tom, she realized that she
never would be whole on Voyager. However, as quickly as Kathryn's
emotional side broke free, the Captain's intellectual side clamped
down even harder, stifling further thoughts on the matter.

A very angry looking man appeared on the viewscreen.  For a moment,
the bridge crew thought that the Kazon had caught up with them.
However, this alien's hair seemed to be reacting as a feline, standing
in anger, rather than a natural style.  Also, his wild hair was a
uniform dark brown.  And unfortunately, while the Kazon were primitive
compared to Voyager, this ship was an even match. The alien stopped
glowering only long enough to spit out a few harshly spoken words at
Voyager.  "I am Takik of the Antak Alliance.  You have invaded our
territory and stolen our resources.  Return them immediately or be
destroyed."

"We were unaware that there was a claim on this territory.
Perhaps..."

Janeway was cut off by Takik, his voice echoed through the bridge,
"Ignorance is no excuse.  Comply immediately!"

Making one last effort to avoid a conflict, she spoke again.  "Can we
make a trade to avoid a conflict between our people?" Takik's answer
was to gesture off screen.  Abruptly the channel between the ships was
cut off.

It was Tuvok who verbalized Takik's response.  "They are powering
weapons."

"Tom..." Janeway did not get a chance to finish her sentence.  Tom
assumed that she was about to order him into evasive maneuvers.  He
sent the ship into a sharp starboard turn which the inertial dampers
failed to compensate for.  Janeway managed to grab onto the railing
and remain upright.  The remaining bridge crew had already braced
themselves, avoiding the inevitable embarrassment Tom's evasive
maneuvers normally caused.  Tom's maneuver worked, as the phaser fire
from the other ship only grazed their port shields rather then hitting
Voyager full on.

Janeway was not able to keep her dirty look, for tossing her around,
on Tom for long.  "Continue evasive maneuvers Tom, but give us a
little warning!" Even though Tom was concentrating on his controls,
Kathryn knew that a grin had appeared.  Janeway returned to her chair,
so as to avoid further embarrassment.

"Janeway to engineering."

"Torres here.  Whatever just hit us is wreaking havoc down here."

"Can we go to warp?"  Slight lines of tension started to appear on the
Captain's face as their only escape route might have been cut off.

"I can give you warp six."

Janeway was not happy with the reply.  Good thing B'Elanna was down in
engineering.  The look on Janeway's face would have insulted even the
half- Klingon's honor.  "I need nine point six."

B'Elanna heard the tension in Janeway's voice, and even as she
replied, got to work fixing the warp drive.  "I need two minutes at
impulse to reroute some relays."

"As soon as possible.  Janeway out."

She looked around the bridge, then began issuing additional orders.
"Tuvok, return fire.  Tom, continue evasive maneuvers.  Harry, try
modulating our shields to repel their fire." Quickly responding to
Janeway's orders, Tom took Voyager through maneuvers that even tiny
shuttle craft weren't designed to do.  The maneuvers almost worked
perfectly, only one hit actually landed on Voyager.  But one hit was
more than enough.

"Doctor to Bridge."

"Janeway here.  We're pretty busy up here right now."  Janeway really
didn't need the distraction of the Doctor right now.

The Doctor didn't sound very happy himself.  "So am I.  I need Mr.
Paris down here."

"I'll send him when I can.  Right now I need him piloting the ship.
Janeway out."

Tuvok's phaser fire hit the other ship's shields, but didn't appear to
do any substantial damage. Two minutes since the fight began, and
countless uncompensated turns later, a second comm line was opened to
the bridge.

"Vorik to bridge."

"Janeway here.  Have you made progress."

For once a Vulcan was quick and to the point.  "Warp engines are
available."

This time Janeway didn't bother trying to say more than one word,
"Tom." As soon as they went into warp, she stood and went to stand
behind Tom at the conn to see for herself that they were at warp nine
point six. She clasped her hands behind her back, rather than her
normal hand on his shoulder, since it was still crisis time.

As soon as he was sure that they wouldn't drop out of warp due to
engine problems, he turned back toward Janeway with a question written
on his expression.  Janeway didn't make him wait long, "Chakotay take
the helm. Tom, go down and assist the Doctor in sickbay."

As soon as the turbolift doors shut, yet another comm line was opened
to the bridge.  "Doctor to Janeway."

Janeway  answered as she headed towards her seat, ignoring the fact he
had asked only to talk with her not his normal general call to the
bridge.  "Tom's on his way down already."

The Doctor ignored her words and continued with much grimmer ones of
his own. Despite his being a hologram, everyone could hear the pain in
his voice.  "A number of relays overloaded in engineering.  There are
a multitude of injuries. Crewman Gennaro and Lieutenant Torres are
dead."

Everyone on the bridge, except Tuvok were frozen in a state of shock.
The only sound for a full thirty seconds was a gasp of surprise and
pain from Harry. Tuvok answered the Doctor, since Janeway was
incapable of speaking. "Understood, bridge out."

Chakotay's face was a hard mask.  All his concentration was on the
controls, blocking out his emotions until there was time to grieve.
Harry seemed to be seconds away from falling apart.  You could see the
tension on his face, trying to ignore the tears he could not hold
back. Tuvok, though he would never admit to feeling pain at the loss,
was not working as efficiently as he was capable of.

Captain Kathryn Janeway was taking it worse than the other officers on
the bridge.  It was very lucky that she had been just about to sit
down when the Doctor's call came, since her knees gave way as soon as
Tuvok stopped speaking. She fell into her chair and just stared out
into space.  The battle she had waged just a few minutes earlier
between Kathryn and the Captain returned in full force.  The Captain
wanted to grieve for her fallen officer and the fact they would need
to get home without her.  Kathryn was absolutely guilt ridden. She
wanted him so bad, and now his lover is dead.  She had dreamed of this
day and now he was alone, but she was to blame.

The stotic Captain won out, barely.  She remained on the bridge and
marginally aware of the events around her.  She listened to the damage
reports and ended up working on some of the engineering reroutes
herself from the bridge station. Though as soon as an extra engineer
arrived, she returned to the comfort of her chair.  However, the
entire time she kept hearing a guilty voice in her head. "You did it.
You wanted it to happen.  You killed her!"

Now that the ship was out of danger, Chakotay relinquished the helm to
a junior officer.  As he turned around to return to his own chair, he
caught his first glimpse of Janeway's face since the Doctor made his
announcement. The look of pain which resided there almost tore through
his control.

To ease the ache now starting to invade his mind at his friend's
discomfort he looked around the bridge.  Harry, despite the tears that
still streamed down his face, punched dismally at his console.  He
ignored his pain, doing the job he was trained for.  Tuvok also manned
his post, though an un-Vulcan like look rested on his features.  If
Chakotay didn't know the depths of Tuvok's emotional control, he would
have thought it a sad look.  The rest of the bridge crew also teetered
on the brink of control.  The miracle worker of the engine room was
gone and their return home was less certain than ever before.

Another glance at Janeway, staring at Tom's chair, made him wonder for
a second where the helmsman was.  As he realized that Tom was in
Sickbay and that Janeway was in no condition to issue orders, Chakotay
took charge. Distractions were definitely in order.  "Ensign Kim,
report to Sickbay and assist the Doctor in any way possible."  Though
he didn't spell it out, he figured that Harry would get the message to
help Tom. Plus, helping his friend cope would also help him. "Mr.
Tuvok, attempt to increase the scope of long range sensors.  I want
lots of warning if we have company."  Distracting the Vulcan from the
tragedy would give him a chance to strengthen his control over his
emotions.

Now came the hard part.  Chakotay returned to his seat next to
Janeway, never taking his eyes off her haunted face.  Quietly, he
tried to distract her. "Captain."  Not even a twitch from her.
Gently, so as not to frighten her too much, he put his hand on her arm
and tried to capture her attention once again, "Kathryn."

Slowly, she seemed to return to the real world.  A tiny smile appeared
for a moment at the use of her first name.  Then her brain finally
processed that it was Chakotay, not Tom who spoke.  The smile which
almost had been vanished from Kathryn's face, replaced by despair.

For a moment she looked at Chakotay, trying to decide if she should
get mad at him for using her first name on the bridge.  The only
person she really wanted to hear that name from was Tom.

With the reentrance of Tom into her mind, the events of the last hour,
from her dreams to the reality of the moment, returned.  B'Elanna
Torres was dead. She had just lost a friend and the best engineer she
could ever hope for. Tom was going to be devastated.  All she needed
to do was support him through his problems and he would fall in love
with her.

Chakotay watched as first anger, then sadness, and finally hope passed
across Janeway's features.  However, before he could even begin to
contemplate the cause of her hope, she jumped out of her chair, guilt
and embarrassment coloring her features.

She quickly looked around the bridge, noting both Tom and Harry's
absence. Remembering Chakotay's order, she realized that Harry had
gone to comfort Tom. It was probably better that way.  B'Elanna's two
best friends needed to be together.  She would just catch him later.

She took a slow circuit of the bridge, using the time to regain her
composure. After examining every console and looking over everyone's
shoulder, she returned to the command area of the bridge.  Still not
ready to handle looking at the helm, she faced Chakotay and began a
painful, but necessary conversation. "We need to organize a memorial
service for them."

Chakotay had anticipated the question.	"I think we should have two
services. Now that B'Elanna has found some peace with her Klingon
side, I think she would appreciate it if we honored those traditions
as well."

Her Captain's mask didn't even flicker; her emotions were locked away.
"If you could coordinate that service with Lieutenant Paris.  I
believe Ensign Brooks would like to help plan the service for Crewman
Gennaro. In fact, if you could go meet with her now, she probably
needs a friend to talk with."

A look of surprise crossed Chakotay's features.  He would have thought
that she would give command to him and try to sort out her own
feelings. "Are you sure, Captain?  I would prefer to remain on the
bridge."

"We outran the Antak.  I can handle things here." The Captain's look
started to come into Janeway's eyes and Chakotay knew better than to
question her orders.  With one last glance at Janeway, Chakotay
reluctantly left the bridge.  She was deeply hurt by this loss, but
right now she did not want his help.  He just hoped that she wouldn't
take too long.  He knew she needed to share her grief with someone.

As Chakotay left the bridge, Janeway was not watching him.  Instead,
her eyes lay on her oldest friend on Voyager.  The one she was
concerned about knowing her true feelings.  He knew when she had a
crush on Chakotay, and she was pretty sure he knew she was in love
with someone else.  Looking at him now as he monitored controls at
his station, she tried to figure out what he thought.

As if reading her mind, Tuvok looked up and delivered a status report.
"All departments have reported only minor damage.  Medical logs report
no further casualties.  Perhaps you would like to visit the Doctor for
a complete report."

He knew.  Kathryn was overjoyed since his suggestion to go where Tom
was, meant that he didn't disapprove.  However, now was not the time
to celebrate. She was the captain and responsible for the safety of
this crew.  Her place right now was on the bridge.  She needed to
think. Guilt, elation, fear, and loathing threatened to consume her.
No, she would stay here and do her job. "Perhaps after my shift, when
things have calmed down."

Tuvok simply nodded at her.  For a species which buries their feelings
deeply, Tuvok was very perceptive of her own feelings.  Despite his
disinterested manner, he knew she couldn't see Tom right now.  With
the attitude on the bridge approaching normal, Janeway settled back in
her chair. The only battle left to be fought was being waged inside
her mind.  Guilt and hope fought for her soul.

---

Tom entered Sickbay just as the Doctor was finishing a conversation
with the Bridge. "Understood.  Bridge out," came Tuvok's voice. Rather
than bother him, he just grabbed a medical tricorder and approached
the first few patients.  Quickly he began to triage the wounded,
sending the worst to the Doctor and having the others move off to the
side and wait.  One thing he did know was that two or more people
didn't make it.  The Doctor had placed sheets over two of the beds,
covering what was obviously bodies.  Even though he knew there was
nothing he could do, he felt drawn to them.  Ignoring the impulse, he
finished triage and began treating the more serious patients.

That alone would have been enough to keep his mind occupied.  Not only
were there concussions and broken bones, but severe plasma burns and
one engineer with a six inch laceration across his chest.  The cases
the Doctor had were even more serious.  However, his mind had a couple
of other mysteries to ponder. First was the identities of the two
casualties.  Second were the strange looks which all the engineers
were giving him.

Everyone who entered Sickbay after him, treated him normally.
However, everyone who had already been in Sickbay, all of whom were
engineers, were giving him very unnerving looks.  Some would look
anywhere but his face, as if they were scared of him or possibly they
were feeling guilty, but for what he had no clue. Others looked at him
as if they pitied him, something he hated to see.  And still others
looked as if the world had collapsed.  He assumed that the two
deceased were engineers, thus explaining their reactions.

There were a lot of injured in Sickbay.  The major injuries took both
Tom and the Doctor awhile to fix.  Neither of them said anything to
the other except quick diagnosis or requests for equipment.  Otherwise
they concentrated on calming and healing their patients.  Tom was very
impressed with the Doc's bedside manner.  Not a single snide comment
passed his lips.  He even seemed to feel their pain and loss.

Almost thirty minutes had passed by the time everyone was stabilized.
While the Doctor, with his never-ending holographic energy, kept
working on minor injuries, Tom took a minute to recharge himself.
Between the tricky flying and the multitude of wounded, he was worn
out.  Again he was drawn to the two sheet covered beds.  He wondered
who they were.  No one in Sickbay said a word about who had died,
though he had a feeling many of them knew.

Tom looked around Sickbay, making sure everyone was being taken care
of. Seeing that he was not needed at the moment, he made his way over
towards the bodies. So involved with his quest, he did not see the
engineers who remained in Sickbay were watching his every move.
Slowly lifting the sheet on the first bed, it took him a moment to
place the Crewman's name.  So bad was Edward Gennaro's face burned
that he could hardly recognize the man who had helped him on countless
helm control reroutes in engineering.

A feeling of dread descended on Tom as he moved to uncover the second
body. He felt as if he was moving in slow motion as he reached his
hand forward to turn back to sheet.

Before he could complete his task, Tom looked up and watched as Harry
entered Sickbay.  Immediately he knew something was wrong.  Harry
looked like death warmed over.  Tom started to move toward him when he
realized that Harry wasn't injured.  He didn't have any blood nor
bruises on him. It was his expression that worried Tom.  Finally he
realized that Harry had tears streaming down his face.

Fear began to course through Tom.  He forced himself to look away from
Harry. All around the room the recovering engineers were staring at
him. Even the Doctor paused for a moment to look at Tom with the
saddest expression he had ever had.  It was even worse than the
expression the Doctor had worn after the death of his holographic
daughter had died.

Fear gave way to panic as Tom made the connection with the Doc's
expression. Quickly turning back to the second body, he practically
threw back the sheet, knowing and dreading who he would find
underneath. About the only things recognizable on the body from the
waist up were the slight ridges which Tom had loved to kiss.
B'Elanna's death had been quick and honorable.  Whatever conduit or
console which stole her life away had exploded with enough force to
ensure that nothing but a miracle could have saved her.

Of course, the only thing going through Tom's mind was how physically
painful his sadness was.  Both the Doctor and Harry quickly crossed
the room to Tom's side.  Harry put an arm around his best friend and
began leading him towards the Doctor's office.  The Doctor recovered
B'Elanna's body, again questioning the subroutine which made him wait
until all the patients were treated before letting Tom find out about
his lover's death.  As the Doctor returned to his patients, he noted
how much more difficult this loss was.  His holographic family was his
own creation.  B'Elanna had been flesh and blood.  He finally
understood the reality of losing a friend.

Harry had to practically drag Tom the last few feet to the
semi-privacy offered by the Doctor's office.  As soon as they entered
the office, Tom's limp body became too much for Harry to support.  As
Tom slowly fell to the floor, he let out a cry so pitiful that Harry
was certain he just heard the man's heart break. Harry dropped to the
floor himself and wrapped his best friend in a supporting hug.  Silent
sobs wracked Tom's body as he quietly began to grieve for his love.
Harry soon joined in, letting his own sorrow come to the surface.
Crying on each other's shoulders, the two grieved for the dynamic
woman who would always have a special place in their hearts.

The Doctor stayed out of his office as long as he could, giving the
two men the privacy to grieve.  However, after an hour there  was
nothing else he could do without the workstation in his office.   As
he entered the office the sight before him surprised him.  He had
expected to find Tom an absolute mess and Harry comforting him.  In
fact it was the other way around, Harry was crying on Tom's shoulder
while Tom appeared perfectly normal.  Before the Doctor could comment,
Harry seemed to come back to reality and stood up.  He reached out his
hand towards his still sitting friend as the other began wiping at his
tear stained face.  Tom ignored the offered hand and quickly stood up
himself.

Both Harry and the Doctor watched Tom's actions, afraid to guess at
their significance.  Before anyone would say anything the outer doors
to Sickbay opened and Chakotay came in.  Tom led the way out of the
office and toward the first officer.  On the way he picked up a
medical tricorder, just in case Chakotay was injured.  For his part,
Chakotay had been looking around Sickbay for Tom.  As he saw him
approaching, an unreadable expression came across his own face as he
saw that Tom had raised his own mask.  Chakotay knew that Tom was
hiding away his feelings.  So different from Ensign Brooks who was
sitting with the Delany sisters crying about Crewman Gennaro.  Here,
Tom's best friend needed the comforting while Tom looked like he had
just been told his second cousin twice removed wasn't feeling well.

Ignoring Tom's busywork, Chakotay tried to unlock the feelings he knew
Tom was hiding.  "Tom, I know that it's hard right now to face
that..."

Tom wasn't about to let anyone in.  "Commander, your readings indicate
extremely high levels of stress.  I believe you are worried about
planning a memorial service.  I'm sure Harry," a slight pause, almost
unnoticeable except for the fact that everyone in Sickbay was hanging
on to his every word.  Giving no sign of noticing their scrutiny, Tom
continued, "and I can plan something for Lieutenant Torres."

Until the Doctor joined them and examined the tricorder readings,
Chakotay was frozen in shock.  Tom had just told him that he should
relax and dumped the memorial service on Harry.  Certainly, in  the
back of his mind he always expected Tom to return to the uncaring
jerk he once knew, but not now.  Only the Doctor's confirmation  of
the diagnosis was able to recapture his attention. "Commander. I will
notify the Captain that you are going off duty early.  I will  prepare
a sedative for you and then you are to return to your quarters  and
sleep."

Chakotay was only able to nod acceptance of the Doctor's orders as he
watched Tom walk over to the other side of the room to check on two
sleeping patients. That Tom ignored Harry's attempt to talk to him
only confirmed his fears.  As the Doctor injected the sedative, he
could only think of one person who might be able to get through to
Tom.

"Doctor.  Could you call the Captain and have her come take a look at
the casualty situation down here?"

For a second the Doctor completely missed the subtle suggestion.  But
then he followed Chakotay's line of sight to Tom and realized what he
really meant. "Certainly.  Now are you sleeping here or in your
quarters?"

Tom continued his intense examination of the sleeping crewman as
Chakotay headed off.  Only when he heard the doors to Sickbay close
did he raise his head.  Of course Chakotay was not the only one
concerned about him.  Harry and the Doctor stood at the other end of
the room, staring at him.  They had such looks of pity on their face.
It took all of Tom's willpower to not dash out of the room, away from
their pity. That was the one thing he hated the most.  As it was, his
mask dropped for a moment, allowing his friends to see what he was
feeling.

Answering looks of shock sprang to both their faces in response to the
fleeting emotions they were able to see.  It was not the sadness,
despair or loss they expected.  Instead, guilt and fear took over
Tom's face for that moment before he was able to clamp down his
control.  The expressionless mask returned and he moved to confront
his observers.

Once again he brandished the medical tricorder, cutting off attempts
as conversation as he intently scanned Harry.  "Doctor, I am getting
similar readings as I had from Commander Chakotay.  Should I prepare a
sedative for Ensign Kim?"

Before the Doctor could answer, Harry grabbed Tom's right arm and
pushed the tricorder away.  "Tom, stop this!  B'Elanna's dead and
giving me a sedative is not going to make that go away."

Tom easily shook off Harry's hand and went to prepare the sedative.  A
slight twitch in his mouth was the only sign he even heard Harry's
words.  As he returned with the hypospray, the Doctor laid his hand on
Harry's arm to stop him from trying to push Tom's hand away again.
Neither of them could accomplish anything except drive Tom deeper into
his shell.  It was time for their secret weapon.

Attempting to sound casual, and failing pretty badly, the Doctor laid
the cards out on the table.  He took the hypospray from Tom and
injected Harry himself, trying to make casual conversation.  "Perhaps
I should have the Captain come down here for an examination.  She
usually manages to injure herself during a battle."

With a weak smile at the Doctor's efforts, Harry stumbled out of
Sickbay, trying to make it back to his quarters before drifting into a
nightmare filled sleep. He could only hope that he would only lose one
of his best friends today.  Right now, Tom was on his way to building
his own personal hell.  He felt a little guilty for abandoning his
friend, but Tom was doing the same thing.  They both lost someone in
the battle, but Tom was totally consumed within himself.

As Harry left, the Doctor looked at Tom again.	A little of the mask
fell, as if he had been working hard to hide from Harry and no longer
had the strength to hold it up.	Once again it was a look of guilt
which showed through.  Or at least that's what it looked like.  Since
Tom had no culpability in either of the deaths, the Doctor attributed
it to another misread of human emotions. He let Tom continue his busy
work. For once he might actually end up doing the cleaning which he
always avoided.  His subroutine for smiling did not see a need to
activate despite his normal pleasure with that sentiment.  He returned
to his office and requested to speak to Janeway privately.

The Doctor didn't waste words once she opened a visual channel from
her Ready Room.  "Captain, I'm very concerned about Tom's reaction to
recent events. He has not only ignored all attempts to engage him, but
in fact has pushed everyone away who tried.  Even Harry was unable to
get him to even talk about B'Elanna's death."

Though Janeway was doing an excellent job of retaining a blank face,
as with Tom, a piece of emotion slipped through the Captain's mask.
Once again the Doctor assumed his emotional subroutine was
malfunctioning and what it identified as guilt was actually sadness.
It was only a brief flash anyway, before she was again all business.

"Do you believe I should relieve him of duty?"

The Doctor had not even considered that option and quickly dismissed
it in favor of his original plan.  "No Captain.  I believe that would
cause more harm than good.  Actually, I would like you to come down to
Sickbay and talk with him."

This time there was no mistaking the look of guilt which crossed
Janeway's face. It took her almost a minute to even respond to the
Doctor's suggestion, so shocked was she by his request.  This was
definitely not something she wanted to do.

"Why?  If Harry wasn't able to get through to him, what good would I
do?"

"He looks up to you and respects you.  I think he would respond if you
asked him to talk."  The Doctor seemed reluctant to give his last
words of encouragement, possibly because they were so pessimistic.
"Plus, you are our last option."

For a moment, Janeway looked like she was still going to protest.
Then, her expression became less combative and resigned to her task.
"I'll be down shortly."  With a less than gentle motion, she slapped
the channel closed.

This was not what she needed right now.  She was having enough doubts
on her own.  She didn't need to see Tom's accusatory glaze, knowing
she had killed his lover, to emphasize it even more.

Trying to move with assurance, rather than the dread she felt, she
left her Ready Room.  As she moved across the Bridge to the turbolift,
she could feel the stare of her crew following her.  Rather than the
concern which showed on their faces, her imagination placed looks of
scorn and accusations radiating out from their eyes.  After what
seemed like an eternity, she was away from their eyes, on the
turbolift to Deck Five. Luckily the corridors were empty, since the
repair crews and extra personnel were either in engineering or shield
control.

She stopped a moment just outside the range of the door sensor outside
Sickbay. She tried to gather her thoughts and feelings.  She tried to
pull out the Captain from underneath the feelings Kathryn had coursing
through her body. After over a minute of trying, she gave up and
Kathryn walked in to face up to her actions.

Now she wasn't too obvious about letting her feelings take control.
Only a close examination of her face and body stance would yield the
examiner an idea that Janeway wasn't fully in control.  But it was
enough, since she felt like she rested at the top of the hill on an
emotional roller-coaster.  One shrouded in darkness so the rider had
no idea what twist or turn was next. Not exactly the idea situation
for dealing with an emotionally unstable crew member, especially one
who was the object of her own guilt and love.

Trying to ignore this turmoil, Kathryn looked around Sickbay,  and
upon not seeing Tom, headed for the Doctor's office.  He had observed
her from the moment the doors to Sickbay had opened, his holographic
eyes missing nothing. The expression of guilt and the long pauses in
their conversation earlier concerned him.  He had been serious earlier
when stating she was their last hope.  The emotional problems she was
obviously having were not leaving him very optimistic.

As Janeway walked into his office, the Doctor shifted those thoughts
to a distant subroutine and focused on his Captain.  "I appreciate
your coming down here so quickly.  Mr. Paris is currently reorganizing
the medical supplies.  I should be happy that he is finally cleaning
up after himself, but this atypical behavior concerns me."

Only her right hand balled into a fist at her side betrayed her less
than perfect control.  With a voice as steady and unyielding as usual,
she tried to ascertain the need for her presence.  "What is it you
need me to do?  Chakotay has more experience as a councilor and would
do better in this situation.  Why have you not called him?"

"Chakotay is in his quarters getting some much needed rest.  As with
Mr. Kim, he was handling B'Elanna's loss by doing more than his body
was able to handle." The Doctor did not fail to notice the slight
twitch of Janeway's mouth at the mention of B'Elanna.  "Before I
sedated him, he did attempt to talk with Mr. Paris, but all his
efforts were ignored."

"Why do you think my talking with him will be any different?"

"Because he respects you and looks up to you.  He has, and I believe
will continue to do anything you ask of him."  Somehow the Doctor was
not entirely pleased by the look of disappointment on Janeway's face.
It was as if she was dismissing his words as false.  It would not make
her task any easier if she couldn't reach out to Mr. Paris.  "If you
don't want to talk with him..."

Once again Janeway's face became a mask.  All hints of emotions
disappeared. "I'm the Captain," as if reassuring herself.  "I'll go
talk to him."

"I'll give you some privacy.  Please reactivate me when you leave."

For a few minutes after the Doctor disappeared, she remained in his
office. Maintaining her professional facade, even for a few minutes,
had drained her. How would she be able to face Tom after what
happened, after what she did because of her feelings.

Finally she was able to gather the strength and courage to go in
search of Tom. She didn't have to go far, as he entered the main part
of Sickbay, coming from the medical storeroom the same time as she
left the Doctor's office.  Oblivious to her presence, Tom was intent
on his own business, giving her a moment to observe him.

It was as if she had stepped back five years into the past.  His
expression, the causal mask he used to wear was identical to the one
he had as she encountered him at the penal colony in New Zealand.
Then, as now she recognized the loneliness and despair it held back.
The same vulnerabilities that first caused her to fall in love with
him.  Before she could even consider how to deal with this, he noticed
her observation.

It was if the past five years flew by in an instant.  The man before
her became the caring, confident officer which life on Voyager had
made him, in the blink of an eye.  While the smile and sarcastic gleam
were missing from his face, no longer did the expressionless mask
cloud his features.  This was the man who haunted her dreams.

What shocked her into maintaining the silence was the absence of
accusation in his features.  Rather, guilt seemed to be resting in its
place.  And as he broke the silence, it was guilt which colored his
voice.

"Captain... I'm sure you will be relieving me of duty now."

"What?!"

"I caused it.  I don't deserve to be at the helm."

She crossed the room in an instant and stopped directly in front of
Tom. Despite the turmoil she felt inside, confusion was the only thing
discernible on her features.  This was not what she expected.
"Explain Lieutenant!"

"I was too slow.  I didn't move the ship out of the way in time." She
had to strain to hear his last words, even though she was inches from
him.  "I killed her... them."

The guilt and grief were tearing him apart.  Any pretense of hiding
his feelings away, disappeared.  As he leaned against one of the
biobeds, tears began streaming down his face.	Noticing that one of
the patients was awake and looking in their direction, "Tom, let's go
someplace where we can talk."

Talking his nod to be a yes, she put her arm around his waist and led
him out of Sickbay.  "Computer, activate Emergency Medical Hologram."

The Doctor coalesced into solid form just in time to see them exit
Sickbay. For some reason, her hand around his waist activated his
subroutine for concern. Dismissing it as another glitch, he turned to
tend to his patients. As soon as Sickbay was empty and Engineering had
time, he would ask Lieutenant Carey to come up and do a full
diagnostic on his program.

It was meal time, so going to the Mess Hall was out.  The Captain also
considered aeroponics bay or the holodeck, but she knew that they
would both be occupied at this time of day.  Finally giving in to what
her heart had already told her, she decided to violate a few rules of
protocol.  Of course, her hand on his waist was already a violation as
she led them out of Sickbay and to the turbolift.  "Deck 4."

"No," Tom said, fear lacing his voice.  "I can't go back there."

"Computer, Deck 3."

If taking him to his own quarters was bad, what would Starfleet say
about bringing the object of her fantasies back to her own quarters.

They arrived there without incident.  Luckily the hallways were still
empty. It took her two attempts to enter her access code.  Hopefully
he just thought it was her own emotional upheaval.  Of course, he
seemed oblivious to almost everything as he stumbled forward to her
couch.  He collapsed onto the couch, more composed than he had been in
Sickbay. The walk back to her quarters had calmed him down
considerably.

Trying to retain some decorum, she sat down in a chair and pulled it
close to him.  Just sitting there, she was able to watch him
retreating back into his shell.  The emotions he had freely expressed
in Sickbay were replaced by the mask she saw him wear before he
noticed her.

"Tom, talk to me,"  she said quietly.  "Tom, I can't help you unless
you tell me what you are feeling."  She paused, waiting for him to say
something. "You're not the only one hurting."

"What!" Tom was almost yelling at her.  "You think I don't  know
that.You think I don't realize I just killed my... the Chief
Engineer!"

"You think your the only one involved," she couldn't hold back her own
feelings anymore, "the one who's guilty.  You made the moves, but who
ordered you to do it.  If you want guilty..."  She stopped, horrified
at what she just admitted.

Tom, however, didn't appear to hear a word she just said.  "I killed
Gennaro, I killed B'Elanna.  How am I supposed to go on without her?"
All the anger slipped from his body as he began sobbing again.  "How
can I live with what I've done again?"

As he continued his cries, Kathryn couldn't stand it any more.  She
joined him on the couch and pulled him into her arms.  "It wasn't your
fault."

As he sat there weeping on her shoulder, she hugged him close,
offering all the support she could for this gentle man she loved.  As
she rubbed his back, offering comfort, she finally gave in to her own
emotional turmoil.  Together they curled up on the couch as they both
cried in guilt and sadness.

---

She was in his arms again.  Slowly she moved her hand from where it
had rested on his back to caress his soft hair.  As her hand traced
the side of his face, she heard his breathing quicken.  Not bothering
to open her eyes, she had to wait for just a moment before his lips
caressed hers.

Gently, the talented lips of Tom Paris worshipped hers.  His hands
caressed her body.  Finally his tongue traced her lips, requesting
entrance.  As she opened her mouth to accommodate him he whispered
softly to her.

Finally her mind processed what he said, 'B'Elanna.'  Her eyes shot
open at the same moment Tom realized this was not the women he thought
it was and pulled away.

"Captain, I..."  Tom's face was beet red as he scrambled off the
couch and away from her.  "I didn't know... I'm sorry."  Finally he
reached the door and took off down the hall.

"Damn."

---

The End