The BLTS Archive -Alone with Reality 
by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com)

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Warning - Character Death. Continue on at your own risk!

Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek. What, you didn't
know that? I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters
for fun. While Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are
mine, so please ask permission before using them, and always
keep my name attached to copies of this story.

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He walked into the Mess Hall and looked around. Surprise
clouded his features as he realized it was empty. Twelve
thirty in the afternoon and no one had shown up yet for
lunch? Not even Neelix was hanging around.

The lights were on and some of the chairs were pulled out
from the tables. Many of the tables even had food on them,
but it was as if the occupants had all disappeared in
mid-meal.

Suddenly, the loneliness that surrounded him began to invade
his mind. The people, whom he remembered, began to fade. As
he looked at Harry's usual seat, he couldn't remember which
way the Ensign parted his hair, or even that exasperated
tone of voice Harry used when he had pushed the Ensign a
little too far.

The entire crew was drifting from his mind. Details were
missing such as the design of Chakotay's tatoo, over which
eye Seven had the metal implant, and even the exasperated
quirk Tuvok would get in his eyebrows at his programming
choices for holo-adventures. The memory of many hours with
the Doc's fabulous bedside manner were gone as was his
recollections of Neelix's enthusiasm. The way Janeway used
to place her hand on his shoulder. Or B'Elanna...

---

As a hand tapped Tom on the back, he awoke with a scream.
"NO!!"

"Tom, calm down," Neelix said soothingly. "It was just a
dream."

"Oh my god! She was gone!"

"Who?"

"B'Elanna."

"Considering how you found out about her death, I'm not
surprised that you're having nightmares. Especially since
the Mess Hall doesn't offer the most comfortable sleeping
accommodations."

"No," was Tom's only response as he broke into tears.

"I have plenty of time before I need to start breakfast if
you would like to talk."

Neelix poured himself a cup of coffee-substitute and sat
down across from the dejected lieutenant. He knew that
talking or trying to give too much comfort to the man would
only drive him back into the shell that both Harry and
Chakotay had complained about in their brief dinner visits
last night. Neelix had made his offer of comfort, and now he
would just be there for his friend if he accepted it.

He could imagine how devastated Tom must feel. When he had
lost his own family, especially since he had ran away from
his responsibilities before their demise, he had actually
felt guilty for their deaths. Even though he hadn't been
there, he felt he should have been, to suffer the same fate
as they had. Even here, on Voyager, he'd experienced more
tragedy. Losing Kes, first as a lover and then forever, had
been hard. His own near death experience and subsequent
suicide attempt had caused him to re-evaluate his
priorities.

But he had had time to deal with these issues and he had had
friends to help him share the grief. Tom had been hit with
the news only hours ago, and had declined all offers of
help. There was a rumor Neelix had heard, on the way to the
Mess Hall, that the Captain had offered her assistance.
Considering how Tom had flown from her quarters late last
night, Neelix didn't give the rumor much validity.

His depressed friend must have been wandering the ship for
hours when he finally came to rest in Neelix's domain. He
had stayed there late into the night, reflecting on his
conversations with B'Elanna in that room. As he remembered
one of them, he rose and went to the replicator.

"Two plates of banana pancakes."

Returning to Tom's table, he placed the two plates down. He
put a comforting hand on his friend's arm and returned to
his seat patiently waiting for Tom's awareness to focus.
Before long, Tom seemed to return from his own little world
and focused on the man across the table.

"I thought you could use a little comfort food" he prompted.
"Peanut butter sandwiches and pizza don't seem appropriate
for breakfast."

"I can't believe she's gone," said Tom quietly. "It was how
she wanted to go. Gloriously, in battle. But why now?"

"I don't know. These things happen when we least expect
them," Neelix offered comfortingly.

"She was finally enjoying life again!" Tom paused and
glanced down at the plate in front of him. Slowly he picked
up his fork and took a small bite of the pancakes.

"At first, she had to have these pancakes every morning. It
was as if she needed to remind herself that she could smile
at simple pleasures or cry for things lost."

"I remember when I ordered them for her one night," Neelix
recalled. "I was scared for her, and for you. But she
eventually recovered, as will you."

"Right now, I can't see life without her."

"It takes a long time. Trust me, I've had to go through it
too many times."

"After the crash, I thought I knew what it was like to lose
friends. After all, it was my best friend who was copilot at
Caldik Prime. But it was nothing compared to this. I feel so
empty."

Again Tom lapsed into silence, closing his eyes as if to
shut the bad memories out. Neelix reached across the table
and rubbed his friend's shoulder. As the second contact was
made, Tom's eyes flew open. "Oh no! What have I done?"

"What do you mean?"

"How could I... What was I thinking?" As Tom spoke, the
sadness disappeared from his voice.

While Neelix thought there was a little bit of guilt, it was
the return of the mask Tom wore in the early days of the
journey which caught his attention. It was if the man who
was crying just minutes ago was gone and another had taken
his place.

Before Neelix could even utter a word of restraint, Tom rose
and headed toward the door. "Oh B'Elanna, what have I done?
I'm so sorry..."

As the door closed behind Tom, Neelix retreated into his own
thoughts. Confused over Tom's reaction, he puzzled over his
apology. What did Tom have to feel guilty or sorry about?
Later, while serving breakfast to some of the crew with an
early day shift, he once again heard the comments about Tom
leaving the Captain's quarters late last night. What if that
was the reason? After all, Neelix thought, who else would
trigger a memory in Tom's mind by a simple hand on the
shoulder...?

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The End