The BLTS Archive - Reality Invades the Day
by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com)

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Warning - Character Death. Continue on at your own risk!

Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek. What, you didn't
know that? I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters
for fun. While Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are
mine, so please ask permission before using them, and always
keep my name attached to copies of this story.

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Tom entered Sickbay just as the Doctor was finishing a
conversation with the Bridge.

"Understood. Bridge out," came Tuvok's voice.

Rather than bother him, he just grabbed a medical tricorder
and approached the first few patients. Quickly he began to
triage the wounded, sending the worst to the Doctor and
having the others move off to the side and wait. One thing
he did know was that two or more people didn't make it. The
Doctor had placed sheets over two of the beds, covering what
were obviously bodies. Even though he knew there was nothing
he could do, he felt drawn to them. Ignoring the impulse, he
finished triage and began treating the more serious
patients.

That alone would have been enough to keep his mind occupied.
Not only were there concussions and broken bones, but severe
plasma burns and one engineer with a six inch laceration
across his chest. The cases the Doctor had were even more
serious. However, his mind had a couple of other mysteries
to ponder. First was the identities of the two casualties.
Second were the strange looks which all the engineers were
giving him.

Everyone who entered Sickbay after him, treated him
normally. However, everyone who had already been in Sickbay,
all of whom were engineers, were giving him very unnerving
looks. Some would look anywhere but his face, as if they
were scared of him or possibly they were feeling guilty, but
for what he had no clue. Others looked at him as if they
pitied him, something he hated to see. And still others
looked as if the world had collapsed. He assumed that the
two deceased were engineers, thus explaining their
reactions.

There were a lot of injured in Sickbay. The major injuries
took both Tom and the Doctor awhile to fix. Neither of them
said anything to the other except for a quick diagnosis or
requests for equipment. Otherwise they concentrated on
calming and healing their patients. Tom was very impressed
with the Doc's bedside manner. Not a single snide comment
passed his lips. He even seemed to feel their pain and loss.

Almost thirty minutes had passed by the time everyone was
stabilized. While the Doctor, with his never-ending
holographic energy, kept working on minor injuries, Tom took
a minute to recharge himself. Between the tricky flying and
the multitude of wounded, he was worn out. Again he was
drawn to the two sheet covered beds. He wondered who they
were. No one in Sickbay said a word about who had died,
though he had a feeling many of them knew.

Tom looked around Sickbay, making sure everyone was being
taken care of. Seeing that he was not needed at the moment,
he made his way over towards the bodies. So involved was he
with his quest, he did not see the engineers who remained in
Sickbay were watching his every move. Slowly lifting the
sheet on the first bed, it took him a moment to place the
Crewman's name. So bad was Edward Gennaro's face burned that
he could hardly recognize the man who had helped him on
countless helm control reroutes in engineering.

A feeling of dread descended on Tom as he moved to uncover
the second body. He felt as if he was moving in slow motion
as he reached his hand forward to turn back to sheet.

Before he could complete his task, Tom looked up and watched
as Harry entered Sickbay. Immediately he knew something was
wrong. Harry looked like death warmed over. Tom started to
move toward him when he realized that Harry wasn't injured.
He didn't have any blood nor bruises on him. It was his
expression that worried Tom. Finally he realized that Harry
had tears streaming down his face.

Fear began to course through Tom. He forced himself to look
away from Harry. All around the room the recovering
engineers were staring at him. Even the Doctor paused for a
moment to look at Tom with the saddest expression he had
ever had. It was even worse than the expression the Doctor
had worn after the death of his holographic daughter.

Fear gave way to panic as Tom made the connection with the
Doc's expression. Quickly turning back to the second body,
he practically threw back the sheet, knowing and dreading
who he would find underneath. About the only things
recognizable on the body from the waist up were the slight
ridges which Tom had loved to kiss. B'Elanna's death had
been quick and honorable. Whatever conduit or console which
stole her life away had exploded with enough force to ensure
that nothing but a miracle could have saved her.

Of course, the only thing going through Tom's mind was how
physically painful his sadness was. Both the Doctor and
Harry quickly crossed the room to Tom's side. Harry put an
arm around his best friend and began leading him towards the
Doctor's office. The Doctor recovered B'Elanna's body, again
questioning the subroutine which made him wait until all the
patients were treated before letting Tom find out about his
lover's death. As the Doctor returned to his patients, he
noted how much more difficult this loss was. His holographic
family was his own creation. B'Elanna had been flesh and
blood. He finally understood the reality of losing a friend.

Harry had to practically drag Tom the last few feet to the
semi-privacy offered by the Doctor's office. As soon as they
entered the office, Tom's limp body became too much for
Harry to support. As Tom slowly fell to the floor, he let
out a cry so pitiful that Harry was certain he just heard
the man's heart break. Harry dropped to the floor himself
and wrapped his best friend in a supporting hug. Silent sobs
wracked Tom's body as he quietly began to grieve for his
love. Harry soon joined in, letting his own sorrow come to
the surface. Crying on each other's shoulders, the two
grieved for the dynamic woman who would always have a
special place in their hearts.

The Doctor stayed out of his office as long as he could,
giving the two men the privacy to grieve. However, after an
hour there was nothing else he could do without the
workstation in his office. As he entered the office, the
sight before him surprised him. He had expected to find Tom
an absolute mess and Harry comforting him. In fact it was
the other way around, Harry was crying on Tom's shoulder
while Tom appeared perfectly normal. Before the Doctor could
comment, Harry seemed to come back to reality and stood up.
He reached out his hand towards his still sitting friend as
the other began wiping at his tear stained face. Tom ignored
the offered hand and quickly stood up himself.

Both Harry and the Doctor watched Tom's actions, afraid to
guess at their significance. Before anyone could say
anything the outer doors to Sickbay opened and Chakotay came
in. Tom led the way out of the office and toward the first
officer. On the way he picked up a medical tricorder, just
in case Chakotay was injured. For his part, Chakotay had
been looking around Sickbay for Tom. As he saw him
approaching, an unreadable expression came across his own
face as he saw that Tom had raised his own mask. Chakotay
knew that Tom was hiding away his feelings. So different
from Ensign Brooks who was sitting with the Delany sisters
crying about Crewman Gennaro. Here, Tom's best friend needed
the comforting while Tom looked like he had just been told
his second cousin twice removed wasn't feeling well.

Ignoring Tom's busywork, Chakotay tried to unlock the
feelings he knew Tom was hiding. "Tom, I know that it's hard
right now to face that..."

Tom wasn't about to let anyone in. "Commander, your readings
indicate extremely high levels of stress. I believe you are
worried about planning a memorial service. I'm sure Harry,"
a slight pause, almost unnoticeable except for the fact that
everyone in Sickbay was hanging on to his every word. Giving
no sign of noticing their scrutiny, Tom continued, "and I
can plan something for Lieutenant Torres."

Until the Doctor joined them and examined the tricorder
readings, Chakotay was frozen in shock. Tom had just told
him that he should relax and dump the memorial service on
Harry. Certainly, in the back of his mind he always expected
Tom to return to the uncaring jerk he once knew, but not
now. Only the Doctor's confirmation of the diagnosis was
able to recapture his attention.

"Commander. I will notify the Captain that you are going off
duty early. I will prepare a sedative for you and then you
are to return to your quarters and sleep."

Chakotay was only able to nod acceptance of the Doctor's
orders as he watched Tom walk over to the other side of the
room to check on two sleeping patients. That Tom ignored
Harry's attempt to talk to him only confirmed his fears. As
the Doctor injected the sedative, he could only think of one
person who might be able to get through to Tom.

"Doctor. Could you call the Captain and have her come take a
look at the casualty situation down here?"

For a second the Doctor completely missed the subtle
suggestion. But then he followed Chakotay's line of sight to
Tom and realized what he really meant. "Certainly. Now are
you sleeping here or in your quarters?"

Tom continued his intense examination of the sleeping
crewman as Chakotay headed off. Only when he heard the doors
to Sickbay close did he raise his head. Of course Chakotay
was not the only one concerned about him. Harry and the
Doctor stood at the other end of the room, staring at him.
They had such looks of pity on their face. It took all of
Tom's willpower to not dash out of the room, away from their
pity. That was the one thing he hated the most. As it was,
his mask dropped for a moment, allowing his friends to see
what he was feeling.

Answering looks of shock sprang to both their faces in
response to the fleeting emotions they were able to see. It
was not the sadness, despair or loss they expected. Instead,
guilt and fear took over Tom's face for that moment before
he was able to clamp down his control. The expressionless
mask returned and he moved to confront his observers.

Once again he brandished the medical tricorder, cutting off
attempts as conversation as he intently scanned Harry.
"Doctor, I am getting similar readings as I had from
Commander Chakotay. Should I prepare a sedative for Ensign
Kim?"

Before the Doctor could answer, Harry grabbed Tom's right
arm and pushed the tricorder away. "Tom, stop this!
B'Elanna's dead and giving me a sedative is not going to
make that go away."

Tom easily shook off Harry's hand and went to prepare the
sedative. A slight twitch in his mouth was the only sign he
even heard Harry's words. As he returned with the hypospray,
the Doctor laid his hand on Harry's arm to stop him from
trying to push Tom's hand away again. Neither of them could
accomplish anything except drive Tom deeper into his shell.
It was time for their secret weapon.

Attempting to sound casual, and failing pretty badly, the
Doctor laid the cards out on the table. He took the
hypospray from Tom and injected Harry himself, trying to
make casual conversation. "Perhaps I should have the Captain
come down here for an examination. She usually manages to
injure herself during a battle."

With a weak smile at the Doctor's efforts, Harry stumbled
out of Sickbay, trying to make it back to his quarters
before drifting into a nightmare filled sleep. He could only
hope that he would only lose one of his best friends today.
Right now, Tom was on his way to building his own personal
hell. He felt a little guilty for abandoning his friend, but
Tom was doing the same thing. They both lost someone in the
battle, but Tom was totally consumed within himself.

As Harry left, the Doctor looked at Tom again. A little of
the mask fell, as if he had been working hard to hide from
Harry and no longer had the strength to hold it up. Once
again it was a look of guilt which showed through. Or at
least that's what it looked like. Since Tom had no
culpability in either of the deaths, the Doctor attributed
it to another misread of human emotions. He let Tom continue
his busy work. For once he might actually end up doing the
cleaning which he always avoided. His subroutine for smiling
did not see a need to activate despite his normal pleasure
with that sentiment. He returned to his office and requested
to speak to Janeway privately.

The Doctor didn't waste words once she opened a visual
channel from her Ready Room. "Captain, I'm very concerned
about Tom's reaction to recent events. He has not only
ignored all attempts to engage him, but in fact has pushed
everyone away who tried. Even Harry was unable to get him to
talk about B'Elanna's death."

Though Janeway was doing an excellent job of retaining a
blank face, as with Tom, a piece of emotion slipped through
the Captain's mask. Once again the Doctor assumed his
emotional subroutine was malfunctioning and what it
identified as guilt was actually sadness. It was only a
brief flash anyway, before she was again all business.

"Do you believe I should relieve him of duty?"

The Doctor had not even considered that option and quickly
dismissed it in favor of his original plan. "No, Captain. I
believe that would cause more harm than good. Actually, I
would like you to come down to Sickbay and talk to him."

This time there was no mistaking the look of guilt which
crossed Janeway's face. It took her almost a minute to even
respond to the Doctor's suggestion, so shocked was she by
his request. This was definitely not something she wanted to
do.

"Why? If Harry wasn't able to get through to him, what good
could I do?"

"He looks up to you and respects you. I think he would
respond if you asked him to talk." The Doctor seemed
reluctant to give his last words of encouragement, possibly
because they were so pessimistic. "Plus, you are our last
option."

For a moment, Janeway looked like she was still going to
protest. Then, her expression became less combative and
resigned to her task. "I'll be down shortly." With a less
than gentle motion, she slapped the channel closed.

This was not what she needed right now. She was having
enough doubts on her own. She didn't need to see Tom's
accusatory glaze, knowing she had killed his lover, to
emphasize it even more.

Trying to move with assurance, rather than the dread she
felt, she left her Ready Room. As she moved across the
Bridge to the turbolift, she could feel the stare of her
crew following her. Rather than the concern which showed on
their faces, her imagination placed looks of scorn and
accusations radiating out from their eyes. After what seemed
like an eternity, she was away from their eyes, on the
turbolift to Deck Five. Luckily the corridors were empty,
since the repair crews and extra personnel were either in
engineering or shield control.

She stopped a moment just outside the range of the door
sensor outside Sickbay. She tried to gather her thoughts and
feelings. She tried to pull out the Captain from underneath
the feelings Kathryn had coursing through her body. After
over a minute of trying, she gave up and Kathryn walked in
to face up to her actions.

Now she wasn't too obvious about letting her feelings take
control. Only a close examination of her face and body
stance would yield the examiner an idea that Janeway wasn't
fully in control. But it was enough, since she felt like she
rested at the top of the hill on an emotional
roller-coaster. One shrouded in darkness so the rider had no
idea what twist or turn was next. Not exactly the idea
situation for dealing with an emotionally unstable crew
member, especially one who was the object of her own guilt
and love.

Trying to ignore this turmoil, Kathryn looked around
Sickbay, and upon not seeing Tom, headed for the Doctor's
office. He had observed her from the moment the doors to
Sickbay had opened, his holographic eyes missing nothing.
The expression of guilt and the long pauses in their
conversation earlier concerned him. He had been serious
earlier when stating she was their last hope. The emotional
problems she was obviously having were not leaving him very
optimistic.

As Janeway walked into his office, the Doctor shifted those
thoughts to a distant subroutine and focused on his Captain.
"I appreciate your coming down here so quickly. Mr. Paris is
currently reorganizing the medical supplies. I should be
happy that he is finally cleaning up after himself, but this
atypical behavior concerns me."

Only her right hand balled into a fist at her side betrayed
her less than perfect control. With a voice as steady and
unyielding as usual, she tried to ascertain the need for her
presence. "What is it you need me to do? Chakotay has more
experience as a councilor and would do better in this
situation. Why have you not called him?"

"Chakotay is in his quarters getting some much needed rest.
As with Mr. Kim, he was handling B'Elanna's loss by doing
more than his body was able to handle." The Doctor did not
fail to notice the slight twitch of Janeway's mouth at the
mention of B'Elanna. "Before I sedated him, he did attempt
to talk with Mr. Paris, but all his efforts were ignored."

"Why do you think my talking with him will be any
different?"

"Because he respects you and looks up to you. He has, and I
believe will continue to do anything you ask of him."
Somehow the Doctor was not entirely pleased by the look of
disappointment on Janeway's face. It was as if she was
dismissing his words as false. It would not make her task
any easier if she couldn't reach out to Mr. Paris. "If you
don't want to talk to him..."

Once again Janeway's face became a mask. All hints of
emotions disappeared. "I'm the Captain," as if reassuring
herself. "I'll go talk to him."

"I'll give you some privacy. Please reactivate me when you
leave."

For a few minutes after the Doctor disappeared, she remained
in his office. Maintaining her professional facade, even for
a few minutes, had drained her. How would she be able to
face Tom after what happened, after what she did because of
her feelings.

Finally she was able to gather the strength and courage to
go in search of Tom. She didn't have to go far, as he
entered the main part of Sickbay, coming from the medical
storeroom the same time as she left the Doctor's office.
Oblivious to her presence, Tom was intent on his own
business, giving her a moment to observe him.

It was as if she had stepped back five years into the past.
His expression, the casual mask he used to wear was
identical to the one he had as she encountered him at the
penal colony in New Zealand. Then, as now she recognized the
loneliness and despair it held back. The same
vulnerabilities that first caused her to fall in love with
him. Before she could even consider how to deal with this,
he noticed her observation.

It was if the past five years flew by in an instant. The man
before her became the caring, confident officer which life
on Voyager had made him, in the blink of an eye. While the
smile and sarcastic gleam were missing from his face, no
longer did the expressionless mask cloud his features. This
was the man who haunted her dreams.

What shocked her into maintaining the silence was the
absence of accusation in his features. Rather, guilt seemed
to be resting in its place. And as he broke the silence, it
was guilt which colored his voice.

"Captain... I'm sure you will be relieving me of duty now."

"What?!"

"I caused it. I don't deserve to be at the helm."

She crossed the room in an instant and stopped directly in
front of Tom. Despite the turmoil she felt inside, confusion
was the only thing discernible on her features. This was not
what she expected. "Explain, Lieutenant!"

"I was too slow. I didn't move the ship out of the way in
time." She had to strain to hear his last words, even though
she was inches from him. "I killed her... them."

The guilt and grief were tearing him apart. Any pretense of
hiding his feelings away, disappeared. As he leaned against
one of the biobeds, tears began streaming down his face.
Noticing that one of the patients was awake and looking in
their direction, the Captain said, "Tom, let's go someplace
where we can talk."

Talking his nod to be a yes, she put her arm around his
waist and led him out of Sickbay. "Computer, activate
Emergency Medical Hologram."

The Doctor coalesced into solid form just in time to see
them exit Sickbay. For some reason, her hand around his
waist activated his subroutine for concern. Dismissing it as
another glitch, he turned to tend to his patients. As soon
as Sickbay was empty and Engineering had time, he would ask
Lieutenant Carey to come up and do a full diagnostic on his
program.

It was meal time, so going to the Mess Hall was out. The
Captain also considered the aeroponics bay or the holodeck,
but she knew that they would both be occupied at this time
of day. Finally giving in to what her heart had already told
her, she decided to violate a few rules of protocol. Of
course, her hand on his waist was already a violation as she
led them out of Sickbay and to the turbolift. "Deck 4."

"No," Tom said, fear lacing his voice. "I can't go back
there."

"Computer, Deck 3."

If taking him to his own quarters was bad, what would
Starfleet say about bringing the object of her fantasies
back to her own quarters.

They arrived there without incident. Luckily the hallways
were still empty. It took her two attempts to enter her
access code. Hopefully he just thought it was her own
emotional upheaval. Of course, he seemed oblivious to almost
everything as he stumbled forward to her couch. He collapsed
onto the couch, more composed than he had been in Sickbay.
The walk back to her quarters had calmed him down
considerably.

Trying to retain some decorum, she sat down in a chair and
pulled it close to him. Just sitting there, she was able to
watch him retreating back into his shell. The emotions he
had freely expressed in Sickbay were replaced by the mask
she saw him wear before he noticed her.

"Tom, talk to me," she said quietly. "Tom, I can't help you
unless you tell me what you are feeling." She paused,
waiting for him to say something. "You're not the only one
hurting."

"What!" Tom was almost yelling at her. "You think I don't
know that. You think I don't realize I just killed my... the
Chief Engineer!"

"You think your the only one involved-" She couldn't hold
back her own feelings anymore. "- the one who's guilty. You
made the moves, but who ordered you to do it. If you want
guilty..." She stopped, horrified at what she just admitted.

Tom, however, didn't appear to hear a word she just said. "I
killed Gennaro, I killed B'Elanna. How am I supposed to go
on without her?" All the anger slipped from his body as he
began sobbing again. "How can I live with what I've done
again?"

As he continued his cries, Kathryn couldn't stand it any
more. She joined him on the couch and pulled him into her
arms. "It wasn't your fault."

As he sat there weeping on her shoulder, she hugged him
close, offering all the support she could for this gentle
man she loved. As she rubbed his back, offering comfort, she
finally gave in to her own emotional turmoil. Together they
curled up on the couch as they both cried in guilt and
sadness.

---

She was in his arms again. Slowly she moved her hand from
where it had rested on his back to caress his soft hair. As
her hand traced the side of his face, she heard his
breathing quicken. Not bothering to open her eyes, she had
to wait for just a moment before his lips caressed hers.

Gently, the talented lips of Tom Paris worshipped hers. His
hands caressed her body. Finally his tongue traced her lips,
requesting entrance. As she opened her mouth to accommodate
him, he whispered softly to her.

Finally her mind processed what he said, 'B'Elanna.' Her
eyes shot open at the same moment Tom realized this was not
the women he thought it was and pulled away.

"Captain, I..." Tom's face was beat red as he scrambled off
the couch and away from her. "I didn't know... I'm sorry."
Finally he reached the door and took off down the hall.

"Damn."

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The End