The BLTS Archive- The Pull of Two
by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com)

---

This is another in my Philosophy of the Minds series.  None require
the other stories, but you might want to check out or reread The Hand
on My Shoulder, which also looks into Tom's mind before reading this.

Thank you very much to my two beta readers Monica and Jan K for
putting in so much work to try to tweak this into shape.

Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek.  I'm just borrowing, darn.

Feedback is always welcome.

---

Jealousy.  How can I feel jealous when I have a beautiful girlfriend
to return home to every night, when I have everything I ever dreamed
was possible in life here on Voyager?

OK, so the last few weeks haven't exactly proceeded as planned. That
first week in the brig I was ready to kill her, and I wasn't sure
which HER I meant.  Sure, the Captain was one of only two on the list,
but it was the idea of the multi-person list which unnerved me. I
could see in her eyes how much she wanted to help the Moneans, but she
didn't.  She wanted to do what I had done, but instead she ripped the
rank pip off my collar and sentenced me to thirty days of solitary
confinement.

But I was also mad at B'Elanna, which is pretty stupid.  All she did
was ask "What about Tom Paris?"  I was the one who ran into the
transporter room and talked to Riga.  I was the one who stole the
Delta Flyer and attempted to destroy an alien culture's property.  I
was the one who defied multiple orders from the Captain and came
within meters of getting killed by a torpedo from Voyager.  But, she
said those words and I wouldn't have done it without them.

But, damn it, that matters to me.  All I could think about for thirty
nights was how much I wanted to be in her arms, and I couldn't because
I wanted to be her hero.  B'Elanna asked me to do the right thing, so
I forgot about the consequences and just went for it.

I'm out of jail now, so that is over.  Well, as over as it can be as I
look into the mirror and put my uniform on every morning.  Things
could be a lot worse.  If this had happened at the start of our
journey towards the Alpha Quadrant I wouldn't be quite so accepting.
Actually, I think it's more that everyone else wouldn't quite be so
accepting.

The hope that I'd earned a place on this ship proved to be true as I
walked into the Mess Hall for lunch that first day.  Rather than the
accusation and disgust I expected to find, the entire crew stood up
and applauded.  They respected me for trying.  Even the Starfleet crew
didn't seem to mind that I had broken protocol.  That's one less worry
right now.

My fears about them scorning me because of my new rank were just that,
silly fears.  While the Doctor seems to enjoy using it, no one else
calls me anything but Sir or Mr. Paris while on duty.  Even other
Ensigns call me Sir, though they aren't required to.  I think it was
Joe Carey who told me that the entire crew had decided that the
punishment was too harsh and this was their protest against the
Captain.  The Captain who disciplined me for my unlawful actions; the
one who stole, no, removed my lieutenant's pip from my collar and
ordered Ensign Paris to the brig.

They respect me for the actions which took away all the respect she
had for me.  Sure, she said she respected my views.  That didn't stop
her from busting me back to ensign and leaving me to rot in the brig
for thirty days.  Where was the leniency that four years of respect
and service should have earned?  I guess the idea that my father would
have been disappointed in me carried more weight than any bond the two
of us had developed.

But, that isn't my problem right now.  I've been out for a few weeks
so the image isn't quite so jarring.  I guess I'm learning to be an
ensign again.  I certainly got plenty of practice from hanging out
with Harry so much.

What has turned out to be the hardest thing is to enter the Bridge
when I begin my shift.  I try to march in there proudly, not caring
what anyone thinks, but their opinions still matter.  Her
disappointment in me still matters.  The idea that I have lost her
respect still hurts.  I may have taken a step towards resolving the
history with my father while in the brig, but another seems to have
taken his place.  I know that it wasn't personal, or at least I hope
so, but I am still afraid to look into her face.

There are only two things I truly regret about this whole fiasco;
broken trust and lost respect.  I have worked so hard for four years
trying to earn my place on this ship and one mistake later, everything
is gone.  The respect I had placed so much value on is gone, probably
forever.  Tuvok and B'Elanna can give away the entire Federation
library and the Captain gave them more responsibilities and respect. I
try to follow my conscience and lose everything.  My relations with
everyone else on board can be repaired, but not our relationship. 
That was the hardest thing I did on that flight, ignoring her pleas to
me. I think I finally realized why that was so important when I got
over the anger while in the brig.  It took me a long time to admit it,
even just within my mind, but there is no denying it.  I love her.

Once I admitted that, I came to realize that this wasn't the same kind
of love I had for my sisters or my mother.  No, while it's different
from the bond I have with B'Elanna, it's still a love laced with both
mental and physical attraction.  This was different from the first few
months in which I felt lust for this older woman who rescued me.  This
was so much more.

Me, who has never really been in love before.  OK, I've had puppy love
with Susie Crabtree but not real true love.  And now I'm in love with
two people.  I've been in love with B'Elanna since that Pon Farr
thing, when I realized I didn't just want to have sex with her.  I
respected her and wanted so much more.  What we have now is special. 
We complement each other perfectly.  It's not just about sex, though
that's spectacular, but something, a connection between us which is so
much more.  I think I've been in love with the Captain since she first
said, "Take the conn Mister Paris."

As I sat in that cell, alone, staring at the walls, as I grew tired of
dictating that letter to my dad, I realized something else.  The
reason I was so upset, angry and hurt over the punishment I had
received was that it had come from the Captain.  Not only had I lost
her respect, but I had hurt someone I loved.  Someone who will never
respect me enough to return my feelings and that, I've decided, is the
worst thing.

Even now, as I watch B'Elanna sleeping beside me, I feel it.  I don't
want to lose what I have yet I feel jealous of the Captain's actions
over the last few days.  Even knowing that the seduction was part of
the plan didn't make it any easier.  I can just picture their kiss as
she saw him off to his shuttle, as he took her in her arms and slowly
touched her lips to his.

I wanted to be that stupid inspector so badly, to taste her sweet lips
and show her how I feel.  Yet, I don't want to lose what I have.  I
can't turn away from what I enjoy with the woman in my bed right now. 
I love B'Elanna, yet...

I can't get enough of her hair, her face, or her lips.  I could kiss
that beautiful mouth forever.  I could gaze at her as she slowly wakes
up with that delectable come hither smile on her face until the end of
time.

"Morning Tom"

---

The End