The BLTS Archive- The Puzzle They Created by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com) --- OK, this is yet another story, number nine I believe, in my Philosophy of the Minds series. As always, the stories are connected, but none requires the others to be understood. Thanks to Monica for another wonderful job of beta reading, and everyone who has sent me comments for their encouragement! Feedback is always welcome. --- It's amazing the things you find when you go looking. A bunch of little things that come together like puzzle pieces when you complete the puzzle. When you first start and there are five hundred odd shaped pieces of different colors and designs, you have no idea what they will turn out to be. However, as you slowly work to fit them together, a picture is created. Sometimes, it isn't necessarily the one you were expecting. I used to love to do puzzles when I was a little girl. My mother didn't see the point to them, but I persisted. Rather than try to hide the actual puzzles, I used to play with them on my padds. They were especially hard that way because you only saw a tiny piece of the puzzle at a time, not all the parts. I think that's why I like engineering so much, I have to try to piece together the parts of the ship and make them work better. With this puzzle, I saw the different pieces all the time. But, I was doing the wrong puzzle. Someone switched the picture I thought I was making with the one which came out. Instead of the happy couple I expected to find, quite a different pair was depicted. I'm amazed at how different my life is, sharing it with someone I care about. Before I found Tom, and actually letting him through the barriers I had erected over the years, I thought I could be happy. I actually believed that coming home to an empty room, eating alone, sleeping alone were enough. The sex is great, but being with Tom is so much more than just physical pleasure. He is my friend as well as my lover; my special companion and trusted confidant for my hopes and fears. I thought that my other friends, such as Harry and Chakotay, were special to me, but this is so much better. That's what hurt the most when I was depressed, that I couldn't love Tom. As much as I missed my old friends in the Maquis, I had already assumed they died for the cause while we were in the Delta Quadrant. It was the people I couldn't feel for here that broke my will. It wasn't an immediate thing. I did grieve a little for the Maquis at first. Those hours I spent crying while retrieving the messages did help me cope for a little while. But after I ran that program, I couldn't deal with the Maquis anymore. Seeing them lying on the ground, knowing I could never bring them back to life, was just too much. I'm not even sure why I ran it, except that I was so angry that I couldn't get Tom's letter. I wanted to help him so much, so I guess I tried to take my anger out on the one enemy I could fight. I thought I could change history, but instead it robbed me of my feelings. It was months later when my depression invaded my relationship with Tom. I managed to kept it separate for a long time. First, it would only appear during the hour I would spend on the holodeck. Then, only while working did I allow myself to think of what I was missing. Finally, despite all my efforts, even his wonderful kisses could not make me feel. No matter how much Tom appreciated, cared for or loved me, I couldn't feel anything for him anymore. It was just a void where my love had been. I pushed him away. I wouldn't talk to him nor be with him. I realize now that it's a miracle I am still with him. I almost drove him away from our relationship for good and into the arms of another. I've known for a while now that our Captain has been interested in someone on board, and it was no longer Chakotay. Ever since the Pon Farr thing, I've been noticing a difference in the Captain's feelings toward Tom. At first, I thought she was going to do something about it. She would spend hours talking to him in the holodeck after I refused another dinner invitation. But, for some strange reason he chose me. When it became clear that he wasn't interested in her affections, I thought it was over. But, she wasn't done yet. She was attracted, no, is still attracted to Tom and wants him for herself. I think that's why she has taken such an interest in our relationship. That day she reprimanded us for the public displays of affection, it wasn't just because we kissed in Engineering, but because it was Tom and myself kissing. She is in love with Tom. The looks she gives him on the bridge, the way she laughs at his jokes, the pool games she is always challenging him to, and especially the hand she places on his shoulder tells everything about her feelings. That unconscious gesture she makes when she needs to reach out to someone conveys more then she would like. I don't think Tom realizes how much she feels, but I do now. It is only since Tom was demoted to Ensign that I realize how close I came to losing him to her. Those thirty days gave me time to think and analyze the pieces I had seen. A variety of clues painting a picture of love running both ways with only myself in the way. For a moment I saw myself as a piece of the puzzle, straining to keep our relationship separate before I become another piece snapped into place, indistinct in the picture of their relationship, which I fear is the puzzle they are creating. One year ago I was blind enough to see myself as the puzzle, and now I can't even find my piece among the hundreds of others already in place. But, until now I could not make out the picture. One crucial piece was still missing. Only after that first meal together did I finally place the last piece and unveil the completed puzzle. Dinner at zero-seven hundred hours, my quarters. Not exactly the most convenient time, but I had the night shift and he didn't have to be in sickbay till the afternoon, so we had a few hours. Our 'reacquainting' after so long apart was definitely enjoyable. I never realized how much I could miss the feel of his hands on my body. However, the questions he asked afterwards finally completed the puzzle. He didn't seem to care about what the rest of the ship thought about his situation. What concerned him the most was the broken trust with the Captain. That final piece brought together the things which had been festering in the back of my mind for a while now. Back when I first came onboard Voyager, I actually thought that those two were lovers. He was the only one who would treat her like a real person when she would drop by Sandrines or even before that in the casual conversations among the Senior Staff. Of course, when Chakotay started making clear his feelings for the Captain, I realized it was just another manifestation of Tom's pig attitude. But now I realize it really had been more. Tom had always been attracted to the Captain. She's a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman. While he used to flirt with the Delany sisters all the time, as he began to gain respect on the ship, he wanted someone who was his equal. Tom needs someone who can understand what it is like to be strong and independent. He needs someone who yearns for things from their soul. He understands my obsession with engineering because he has the same need to fly as does the Captain with getting us home. When we first started seeing each other, things were fine between Tom and myself. We were in love and nothing and no one would get in our way. First was the dressing down from the Captain when those aliens were experimenting on us. He took it really hard. It was months before he would even give me a kiss anywhere outside our quarters or a private holodeck program. He felt as if he had broken her trust, something he was always yearning for. Janeway's reactions while Tom was in the brig that finally, in my mind, clarified their continued feelings for each other. At first she was angry all the time. He had thrown away her trust. However, as she calmed down, she seemed too sad for her to have lost someone who was not very special to her. She looked as if she had lost her reason for living. And Tom bemoans not only the loss of his mentor but also his perceived inability to regain her trust. To see them on the Bridge these last few weeks has reinforced my fears. She tries to hide her feelings, but her anger comes out to all those who listen. But, there is something else in her tone. The way she addresses him as Tom, not Ensign Paris, tell the story of someone trying to beg for forgiveness. Even when she went forward with the plan to seduce the Devore Inspector, she still was crying out to him. And the thought that worries me is that he will listen. Our dangerous plan, only plan, for protecting the telepaths and she hesitated. It was only days after Tom was released from the brig and I could see the way her eyes were searching him out. I could just envision her thoughts wondering how he would feel about her in the arms of another man. But, in the end it was our only chance so she did it. Yet, every morning she would enter the Bridge and just stare at the back of his head, as if she was trying to beg for understanding. I can see the desperation in her eyes when she looks around the Mess Hall during meals. A desperation that might lead her to do anything. I see the need in his eyes. An obsession for trust and respect, for which he will do anything to earn. I can recognize the unrequited love which festers in her heart, and the desire which remains in his. I guess maybe because it is the same man we both love that I can see it in her eyes. I've completed my portion of the puzzle before she even started, however, there are still pieces remaining waiting to be found. She is the Captain of our ship, but she has lost this battle. My only question is whether I will lose the war... -- The End