The BLTS Archive- What Have I Done? by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com) --- This is another part of my Philosophy of the Mind series. Each is independent of the other, but I'd love for you to read them all. This is slightly different than the other installments because it includes quotes from the episode. "" are Janeway's words and ** symbolize someone else's. Special thanks to Monica for wading through all my mistakes. You did a great job of beta reading on such short notice! I meant to post this about 7 hours ago, but 3 different computer's crashing and someone taking up my phone line for an hour and a half call to Japan spoiled my plans. Sorry. Disclaimers: Paramount owns all. Voyager is their property. I’m just taking them out for a little air. Love it or hate it? Let me know what you think. --- "Care to join us Lieutenant." He can be so enthusiastic. He really is the heart of our ship. Unlike the hardened scientist he finds wonder in the unexplored. He'll crack a joke at anything. And his enthusiasm's contagious. I'm actually considering taking Voyager under water. One week of refitting, just to satisfy that man's curiosity. But it's worth it to have those blue eyes smile at me. "Bon Voyage." He is so beautiful. As he sat in my Ready Room drinking tea, all I wanted to do was reach out and touch the man! The smile on his face lit up my heart. I can just imagine that little kid playing with sailing ships. Building models, designing them just like he did with the Delta Flier. The blond kid in the pictures on Admiral Paris' desk, who awed Admirals with his flying ability at age five, dreaming about the naval patrol. I guess that's why he's such a good pilot. He feels the currents of subspace and just rides along with them. He was so excited about taking the Delta Flier down through the water. Doesn't he know that he only needed to ask. The second he suggested that we help them, I couldn't resist. How could I resist the man I love. I would do almost anything for that man... "Would you please excuse us Lieutenant." He certainly has come a long way. At first when he came on Voyager, I had thought he was an unredeemable man. Here was this convict who I had sprung from prison walking around my ship like he owned the place. Standing there on the Bridge like he expected me to give him responsibility. But then I saw the look in his eyes as he asked to join the away team looking for Harry. He actually cared. That was the moment I realized this man had a heart of gold. This man would do anything he could to make things right. "Is that clear?" Today, I saw that heart again. As he looked at me, begging for the chance to help them, his eyes lit up. Helping the Monaens was so important to him. I ached when I said there was nothing we could do. Sending B'Elanna out of the room and dressing Tom Paris down was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Three days with these people and yet he is willing to risk his life for them. If I didn't know how much he wants the respect of the crew, I think he would risk anything for them. No, he wouldn't do that... He wouldn't risk trying to help them. Tom knows his place on this ship. He's worked to hard to earn the right to the conn and the respect of every member of this crew. Tom's hurt that I let him down, but he knows the rules more than anyone else on the ship. He knows what the Prime Directive says. He'll be a hero another day. He will forgive me. *Captain, there has just been an unauthorized launch from Shuttle Bay 1* What! How could Tom do this? I told him we were leaving the situation alone. I don't care how blue his eyes are or what puppy-dog face he throws at me this time. I want him back on this ship now!" "Disobeying a direct order." He just closed the channel on me. I can't believe this. My protege, the man I rescued from prison, the man I gave a position on this ship has just turned his back on me! "As far as I'm concerned he forfeited his status as a protected member of this crew..." Damn that man! He just made a mockery of me. I will take this out of his hide. "This is your final warning." Tom, please turn back. Don't do this. I just gave you a direct order! I'm sorry I got us into this whole mess. I should have just let you stay in the holodeck. I just wanted to see you in that leather jacket. I really didn't need you on the bridge. But I need you here right now. You can't do this to my crew, my ship, me. Please come back... "Arm the torpedo" You looked me in the eye and said you understood. You are endangering hundreds of Monaen lives. You might cause a war between our peoples. You lied to me... "Stand down or I will open fire." What am I doing? He will come back! He must come back. Please Tom! I'll forgive you if you come back now. I need you to come back now... "FIRE" I love you. *The Delta Flyer has been disabled* He's safe. He's going to kill me. I'm going to kill him! What have I done? What has he done? He has insulted the uniform he wears and flaunted the laws of this ship. He made a joke of my authority as captain of this ship. How dare he... "Take Ensign Paris to the brig." I had to do it. I had no choice. He broke every rule he could. He broke the Prime Directive, attempted to incite a war, stole Starfleet property, and disobeyed a direct order. I had to strip him of his lieutenant's pip. I had to put him in the brig. This is my ship! I have to maintain order! I can't let my personal feelings cloud my command. Oh, what have I done to us... --- Day 2 --- I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him in the brig. Sometimes here, sometimes on the Bradbury. I saw him in Auckland and after Caldik Prime. How could I do this to such a wonderful man. A man who just cared too much. A man who did what I wanted to do, what I wished I could do. --- Day 7 --- Neelix asked if he could bring Tom a pad. I wish he could have so much more. I'd go see him if I thought it would help. It would only help me. I've tried to figure out a way to stop crying myself to sleep at night, but nothing works. On the bridge I look at the helm and am reminded of how I took the heart of the man I love and threw it away. No! I did more than that. I tried to kill him! I told Tuvok to fire the missile at him. I decided his life wasn't worth saving because of some rule! I don't know what's worse, that he broke my trust, or that I broke his. --- Day 10 --- We were in combat today. I miss him so much. But he did it to himself! He disobeyed my orders and he needs to pay! I'm actually thought about replacing him at the helm. Ensign Culhane performed so well in battle, I commented that I should consider making him Chief Conn Officer. Everyone stared at me. Oh god, what am I doing. How will we survive the next twenty days. I've destroyed Tom, and in the process I'm destroying myself. --- Day 14 --- Almost halfway through. Security reports all is normal with him, our convict. Only a few nightmares, which is pretty good considering the horrors he's been through and what I've done to him. He's dictating a letter to his father. Maybe some good can come of this. Of course he's probably realized his father isn't that bad after what I've done to him. --- Day 16 --- I let Harry go see him today. From the reports of Tom waking up screaming two nights in a row, I thought it was necessary. I wish I could go and hold him, tell him everything's OK. That's what I need right now. Someone to hold me as the darkness creeps into my soul. I need Tom to hold me and tell me I haven't destroyed him, I haven't destroyed myself. --- Day 23 --- One more week. I haven't slept, I can't eat. All I do is think of what I've done. We are on the voyage of the damned, with one crazy, mixed-up captain at the head. I've thrown away every chance we've had. I destroyed the Caretaker's Array. I lead this ship into battle week after week. I've had to preside over far too many memorial services because of my decisions as Captain. I built a man up only to shatter him when he tries to do the right thing. --- Day 30 --- The big day. Thirty days of solitary confinement are over. Why do I feel worse than I have in the previous twenty nine days. Maybe because today he is free to look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't respect me anymore. He will look me in the eye and destroy all my illusions that one day he could love me. He will look me in the eye and break what is left of my heart. Oh god, what have I done? I've driven him away from me. He will never forgive me. I've stolen everything from him, except his ability to love her. I stole his job, his freedom, and the rank he has proven himself worthy of for the last four years. I've ruined any slim chance I ever had. She stood by him, I didn't! If he ever did more than respect me, that is gone. He can't even respect me anymore, not after what I have done. I can't take this anymore. I need to forget him. I have to do something... I need to know I'm alive. I need to know that there is a living heart that beats in my chest. I need to know that my soul isn't just a burned out carcass. I need to feel, even if I don't deserve to. I need to try. I stripped him of his rank, and every member of this crew respects him for what he attempted to do. In taking away that part of him, I've become what he overcame the minute he accepted my respect. I'm now the one trying to forget what I have done. What will I do to fill this need? Turn to drink and sex... I don't even care how, who, or what I need to do to get rid of this hole filled with guilt and broken dreams within me... --- The End