The BLTS Archive - Aftermath: The Box
by Riss (usc_mam@yahoo.com)

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Warning - This story include frank discussion of suicide.  There is no
character death, but since even the idea of suicide offends some
people, I am warning you. If you have any problems with the content of
the story, I welcome intelligent, adult discussion of the subject with
me over private e-mail.  I love feedback! However, please do not bring
discussions of the issues raised on this topic to the newsgroup, since
it might be considered inflammatory to other readers. As always,
flames are not appreciated.

Disclaimer - Star Trek Voyager, and all the Characters created on that
show belong to Paramount.  I'm just a humble fanfic writer borrowing
them for fun.  I promise to return them unharmed, well, maybe just a
little angst.

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The last three days had been the longest of B'Elanna's life.  Despite
Tom spending every minute he wasn't on duty with her, she still felt
alone. Especially when he would crawl out of bed in the morning to go
to his shifts on the bridge. The entire room would feel dark and
empty.  Even turning the lights on full didn't help.

The first night, when she collapsed into Tom's arms after her tantrum,
they didn't move.  He held her all night, reminding her that he was
there.  At some point, she fell asleep and began to dream.  All she
could see was memories of her mother screaming at her or of her dad
leaving.  Time and incidents were blurred, just the anger and sadness
continued from image to image.  When she finally woke up, those strong
arms were still supporting her.

Tom was actually twenty minutes late to his shift that morning.  It
took a warning call from Harry to tear his arms away from holding her.
Not since the whole undercover to catch the spy incident, had he been
late to a bridge shift. But that morning, he almost didn't go.

As he changed into the spare uniform he kept in B'Elanna's quarters,
she crawled across the floor to the couch. From some yet to be
exhausted reserve of strength, she somehow picked herself up and
curled up on the couch. Grabbing a pillow, she soon was in the exact
same position as when Tom came over during last year's Day of Honor.
Amazingly, she managed to look even more despondent now than she had
on that horrible day.

That sight alone almost broke Tom's resolve.  But a timely call from
Janeway solidified his resolve to do his duty.

"Janeway to Paris."

"Paris here."

"Are you planning to come to your shift today?  If you would like to
skip your time at the conn, I can have Tuvok come down and escort you
to the brig for dereliction of duty."

"I am on my way," though Tom's voice didn't sound happy with his
choice."

If he did not have as much respect and loyalty to Captain Janeway, he
might never have left.  Only the idea that he knew B'Elanna would
still be in her quarters when he got back, finally allowed him to
actually walk out the door for his shift.

B'Elanna will never tell him how close he came to being wrong.
Unknown to anyone on the ship, that first day of being relieved of
duty was an anniversary for her.  And definitely not one she wanted to
remember.  Not only was it seven years to the day that she and
Starfleet parted ways, but it was twenty one years since her father
left.  If she had the strength, she would have stood up and walked
into her bedroom.  In the bottom drawer of the dresser was a small
suitcase which someone had been kind enough to grab when they had the
emergency beam out from the Maquis ship to Voyager.

Inside the case, wrapped in an old baby blanket, was something she had
kept hidden for twenty one years.  It was a ceremonial Klingon knife.
Her father had given it to her mother on their engagement day, along
with her betrothal necklace.  The day he left, her mother threw out
every gift she had ever been given by her former husband.  B'Elanna
had always thought the knife was so beautiful, so she rescued it out
of the trash and hid it away. Little did she know that it would be
the only thing left she had of her father.

That morning, after Tom left, she almost plunged that knife into her
heart. Not only had her father abandoned her, her ridges ostracized
her, her career halted before finishing school, her life tossed 70,000
light years away, and her friends murdered by the Dominion, but she
had ruined the one chance she had left.  Relieved of duty.  At least
she had chosen to leave the academy. Now she had cost herself her job.
Her mouth, her temper, and her thoughts all ruined her life because
she was too weak to have control.

The only thing which saved her from her depression was the continued
absence of her Klingon strength.  She still could not move.  The
weakness caused by her emotional outburst and long hours working took
over her body, confining her to the exact position she crawled into
that morning.  Not hunger nor the call of nature could drag her from
the silent statue she created.

Later, perhaps, she would thank the stars that her Klingon strength
had deserted her.  Maybe, one day she would appreciate what she had
and realize she did have something to live for.  But that day, during
the eight and a half hours Tom was not in her quarters, she could not
even imagine that time.  For the first time in her life, B'Elanna not
only thought about dying, but gave up her desire to live.

Complicating the day and keeping Tom from checking in with her were
the quirks of the galaxy.  The one day he would have given anything to
fly in a straight line, he spent eight and a half hours fighting for
the safety of the ship.  With the ship ringed by systems containing
radiation that disrupted the warp field, they were forced to fly
through an extremely large asteroid belt on impulse power. Since
the only other option was to fly through even higher concentrations of
radiation within the nebula surrounding the asteroid belt, Tom was
stuck at the helm.  The entire day, he had only one five minute lull
where Janeway actually let Chakotay cover the helm.  Only long enough
for a quick trip to the head and to grab a ration bar before it was
too much for the first officer to handle.

The inertial dampers kept B'Elanna from feeling most of the jolts.
However, she was aware of time passing.	Even though Tom had held her
last night, she was certain that his long disappearance was because he
had left her too.  In her depression, she ignored the rolling of the
ship and the likelihood that Tom was the one causing it.  Until Tom
walked into her quarters exactly eight hours, thirty-two minutes and
fifteen seconds after he left, B'Elanna was certain she had driven him
away too.

The second Janeway released him from the helm, Tom ran to the
turbolift.  Upon reaching B'Elanna's deck, he practically knocked over
Crewman Genarro in his haste to get to her quarters.  With barely a
nod in apology, Tom continued his tear to her quarters and through the
door.

Not a moment too soon, since B'Elanna had finally convinced herself
that Tom did not love her.  With that thought, she had found the
strength to uncurl one of her legs and place it on the floor.  A burst
of anger at letting herself believe that Tom had loved her was doing
wonders at powering the muscles to move her other leg.	While Tom
would never guess where she was headed, B'Elanna knew that the bedroom
dresser, not the bathroom nor the replicator was her only stop.

Just in the nick of time, Tom came in and saw her in practically the
same position he left her in and knew she hadn't moved all day.
Continuing the fast pace he had set on the way to her quarters, Tom
was at the couch with his arms around her in seconds.  For a moment,
he thought she would push him

away.  She stiffened up and gripped the pillow even tighter.  But
after a moment, it was passed and she collapsed into his arms.	
However, she didn't stay that way for long as she realized exactly how
long it had been since her last trip to the bathroom.

"Got to go," B'Elanna said quickly as she slipped out of Tom's arms,
off the couch and ran for the bathroom.  For a moment, Tom was worried
she was running away from him until he realized where she was going.
After a quick walk toward the bathroom to make sure she was all right
in there, he started to straighten out her quarters.

The bedroom was neat, since they never made it in there last night.
The living room, however, was a disaster.  The dinner he had
replicated last night sat untouched on the table.  Furniture, along
with padds and small objects, was scattered across the room from
B'Elanna's tantrum last night. Tom had only just replicated something
for them to eat for dinner when B'Elanna reentered the room.

"How are you doing?"  When B'Elanna didn't answer him, Tom assumed it
was his fault. "I'm so sorry I didn't check in with you.  There was
this asteroid field and I couldn't get away for more than five minutes
all day."

B'Elanna really didn't care.  All she knew was that she had taken a
long look at the dresser as she headed towards the living room  The
thing which saved her was that she heard Tom ordering something from
the replicator.  No matter how bad her life was going, he was still
there, trying to take care of her. She might sometimes feel smothered
by it, but it did show her how much she meant to him. She couldn't go
for that suitcase and hurt him like that.

Summoning her remaining strength, B'Elanna moved in front of Tom.
"Just hold me."

They stood there, next to the table for a half an hour, just holding
each other. They would have stayed longer, but at the exact same
moment their stomachs growled for attention.  Tom steered B'Elanna
into one of the chairs, quietly laughing at the intrusion.  As she sat
down, Tom could have sworn he saw a little of the depression that
gripped her features lift, but he might have been mistaken.

Slowly at first, and then with increasing strength B'Elanna ate the
replicated dinner of slightly cold stuffed shells and garlic bread.
Tom knew of her weakness for Italian food and counted on it to make
her eat dinner. In silence the two of them licked their plates clean.
Not eating for a full day tends to make someone a little hungry.

After they were done, the silence continued.  Finally Tom got up and
placed their dishes into the replicator.  Taking B'Elanna's hand, he
led her from the table back to the couch.  However, he didn't give her
a chance to curl up as she had before.  He sat down beside her and
gently pulled her into his arms.

Breaking the spell of silence which permeated the room, he quietly
asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

For a minute he was sure she wasn't going to answer.  She gave no sign
of hearing the question.  But then she lifted her head from where it
rested on his chest and looked into his eyes with hints of desperation
clouding her deep brown eyes.  As she looked, he gently began stroking
the side of her face, a lover's gentle touch.  With each caress, a
little bit of the hurt began to leave her eyes.

"I love you."  B'Elanna spoke slowly, with a rusty voice which spoke
of her yelling the night before and her day of silence.  She tried to
put order to her disjointed thoughts.  "I think that's what saved me,
knowing that you were coming back.  I can't believe I was thinking
of..."

As she dissolved into tears, Tom pulled her even closer.  She finally
let out the emotions she had bottled up inside her for the last day.
As she wept, Tom tried to make sense of what she had said.  How did he
save her, and from what? As the possibilities rolled through his mind,
he grew more and more fearful.  In the last twenty-four hours her life
had been turned upside down.  Even though he didn't think that she was
permanently out of her job, its temporary loss was traumatic enough.

After a few minutes, B'Elanna began to regain her equilibrium.	While
she still felt depressed, the suicidal thoughts were gone.	For a
moment she wondered why she had felt that low, after all, she was safe
in her lover's arms.  Before she could remember the reasons, she just
stopped trying and settled back into Tom's arms.

Soon, however, his gentle caresses began to wake up other intense
feelings within her.  But this time she didn't hide them, ignore them,
or even attempt to suppress them.  Instead she shifted in Tom's arms
till she could bring his mouth down to hers and kissed it.  For a
moment Tom resisted.  After all, hadn't it just been minutes ago that
she had been crying in his arms.  Then he came to his senses and
realized that just holding her wasn't enough.  She needed to have him
show her how much he loved her.  Never a hard task, he proceeded to
carry her into the bedroom and show her exactly how he felt about her,
in excruciating detail, time and time again.

The next two nights were the same.  Tom would provide the arms to
crawl into and the shoulder to cry on.  B'Elanna would take the
comfort she needed and proceed to ask for even more.  Those nights
were the most passionate they had ever had. Both took the time to give
the other as much love and pleasure as they possibly could.  Rather
than rushing towards the ultimate goal, they took hours to enjoy the
sights, sounds, and tastes along the way.  They truly discovered the
meaning of making love during those long hours they spent discovering
new pleasures.

The next two days were actually a little better than the first.  Tom
was not consumed with piloting through asteroid belts and radiation.
Every half hour or so, he would send her messages through the
computer.  He also returned to her quarters to share replicated
lunches of her favorite dishes.  He even borrowed some replicator
rations from Harry so he had enough for a pair of hot fudge sundaes
for dessert one evening.

B'Elanna did manage to get up and shower, but not much beyond that
during her second day off work.  Before he left, Tom had downloaded
some of his favorite stories, mostly old twentieth century stuff,
cheesy sci-fi or mystery novels, to keep her occupied.  Some of them
were so bad that she almost cracked a smile at their absurd
situations.  Even though she was doing something, she stayed in her
bed curled up under the covers.  Though she wasn't thinking too much
about it, her eyes would stray over toward her dresser as the minutes
passed between Tom's messages.

The third day was a little better.  she actually did a little cleaning
around her quarters, straightening drawers and stacking padds.  While
she did spend most of the day reading again, she moved around the
room, to the couch and chairs, taking care to avoid her bed.  For a
few minutes she was able to concentrate on the novels and forget about
her own situation, at least until a different message came about an
hour before Tom's shift was up.

Rather than the note she was expecting form Tom, it was from the
Captain. "Report to my Ready Room at 0800 hours tomorrow."  No clue of
what she was thinking.  It could be her return to work or her removal
from the ship.

So this morning she had gotten out of bed the same time Tom did.  She
ventured out of her quarters for the first time since she stormed in
four nights ago. Breakfast in the Mess Hall was very weird.  Her
temper, or at least the reputation of it had preceded her, so everyone
kept their distance.  A few of her engineers did stop by to say they
missed her down in engineering, but none were able to offer any idea
of what Janeway had planned.

All this lead to the position she was now in.  Tom had accompanied her
on the turbolift to the bridge, even though he had a shift in Sickbay
this morning. But she was left on her own to cross the back of the
Bridge to the Ready Room door.  She just stood there a moment, feeling
everyone staring at her. It must have taken her a full minute
to raise her hand and press the panel to announce her presence to the
Captain.

"Come."

---

When she returned to her quarters that night after a long day of
trying to make up for lost time, she saw that she still had a few
minutes alone. Tom was busy in Sickbay, since four people decided
that the safeties were not necessary when on the holodeck.  B'Elanna
went to her drawer and removed the suitcase.  Walking over to the
replicator, she placed the knife in and pressed the button for
deconstruction into the matter stores.  Remembering her father was one
thing, but life was a whole lot more important.

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The End