The BLTS Archive - Release
by Quadrantje (quadrantje@hotmail.com)

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Published: 09-22-04

Updated: 09-22-04

This took me a pretty long time to write, seeing that it's only about
two thousand words. I had a blast writing this and am actually quite
proud of it, which hasn't happened with any of my other Voyager fics.
I hope you like it as much as I do, or more, and please leave a
review. Oh, and I don't know how far in her pregnancy B'Elanna was on
the show, but lets just say she's still working regular hours.

Disclaimer: the rights to 'Star Trek: Voyager' do not belong to me, no
money is being made of this and no infringement of copyright is
intended. This story itself, though, does belong to me and if anyone
wants to archive it (fat change, but still), please tell me where it
so I can find it and keep my name attached.

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She had been in the mess hall, eating her breakfast, coffee on tray
and PADD in hand, going over the latest engine reports before going to
the bridge for Alpha shift. The mess hall was quite crowded, as always
at this hour, and she hadn't really noticed the two crewmembers
sitting in the next booth – she couldn't even remember who they'd been
now – gossiping away about something. She picked up a few words now
and then, but her attention was too much on the report for them to
register in her mind. Kathryn put her PADD down for a moment to take a
few sips of her coffee when one of the crewmen lowered his voice to a
hiss that was nonetheless quite audible to her.

"I hear they went picnicking in the cargo bay." She was just about to
return to her report when the next sentence caught her attention.

"It just feels so strange to me. I always thought he and the captain
would get together." She arched her eyebrow and waited for the other's
comment.

"Me too, but it's really true; Commander Chakotay is dating Seven of
Nine." She almost spat out her coffee and her eyes flew open in shock,
but no one noticed. After regaining her composure, she quickly
recycled what was left of her breakfast and quickly made her way out
of the mess hall. She went to the bridge and tried to act as usual,
but found her 'captain's mask', normally so firm in place, beginning
to slip every time he moved into her line of view.

Saying she had some more reports to go over, she practically fled the
bridge and spend the rest of her shift in the ready room. She knew she
shouldn't be hurt - she'd wanted him to move on - but the ache in her
heart wouldn't go away.

That was over a week ago now and it still hurt. She tried to hide it
and act like everything was normal - the consummate Starfleet captain
- but inside her heart was slowly falling to pieces, and everyone
around her noticed the change. He had tried to talk to her of course,
being the good First Officer and friend he was, but after hearing her
say she was 'fine' enough times, he gave up and let her deal with
whatever was bothering her, though his heart too was breaking for her
sorrow.

By now, the rumor had spread throughout the ship and for the last two
days, everyone knew Chakotay was dating Seven, although most didn't
understand it. One of those was B'Elanna. She'd been a good friend of
his for years and had seen his deep love for the captain. Oh, she
understood why he wanted to move on, but saw just as clearly that that
would never happen; he would never be able to truly let her go. But,
realizing his need to at least try to move on, she hadn't attempted to
stop him. He'd see how wrong it was after some time and end his
relationship with Seven. She didn't know how that time would make life
hell for Kathryn.

That day, more than a week after the captain's behavior had changed,
she was going through some reports in her office. Tom was on a late
shift and she'd decided to get some more work done while it was quiet
in Engineering. It was around 20.00 hours and she'd already finished a
few reports when she picked up the one from the captain. Something
about Seven's latest idea to improve the output from the warp core –
only it wasn't.

Afterwards, B'Elanna realized that the fact that it was a recorded
message should have tipped her off. Instead, she just shrugged and
started the file – audio only. Since it was a recorded message, she
put it down to get something to drink. She was halfway across the
room, standing by the replicator, when it started playing.

"Kathryn Janeway's personal log. Star date 55132,7." B'Elanna turned
away from the replicator, ready to walk back and deactivate the PADD,
but the captain's tone of voice stopped her. The raw hurt in it made
her cold to the bone. She froze and stared at the PADD, knowing she
shouldn't listen to this, but unable to turn it off. She had never
seen the captain really vulnerable and yet her voice showed she
must've been numb with sorrow when she recorded this yesterday. She
forgot all about her drink when Kathryn continued.

"I guess I should be happy; he finally moved on. I always encouraged
him to. I just never expected it to hurt so much. It's my own fault
for never telling him how I feel, how much I love him – for keeping
him at arms length.

I thought that if he was happy, I would be happy too, but all I feel
when I think about them being happy together is pain. I guess I never
really expected him to move on. Of course I knew about his flings with
Riley and Kellin and some others and those hurt, but I always knew
those wouldn't work out and he'd be mine again. This, I don't even
know how I'm going to be able to keep on living. How can I guide the
crew home when I feel so lost myself?

Always pushing him away, afraid of what the crew would say and how it
would influence my command. I never realized it's already affecting
it. Oh gods! How will I be able to go on? How can I keep going, keep
being the captain, when I don't have him to stand with me? His love is
what got me through these last years. He's my strength. I don't even
think he knows that. What will I do now that I've lost that? How can I
be the captain my crew needs?"

Kathryn's voice cracked and died away, the pained whisper finally
stopping, and a few moments later, the recording ended. B'Elanna stood
rooted to the ground for long moments, shocked at the obvious grief in
her captain's voice and the tears she could hear in it. They hadn't
really started on good terms, but she'd become pretty good friends
with Kathryn and held a great respect for her. She hated hearing her
in this kind of anguish. Sympathy for her distressed friend slowly
made way for anger, though. Without bothering to close the PADD, she
picked it up, marched out of her office and made her way to deck 3,
the senior officer's quarters.

Chakotay answered his door chime, wondering who it could be. The door
opened to allow a raging half-Klingon to storm inside. He was sitting
by the table, another PADD which he'd been reading before she came by
lying in front of him. She walked right up to him, her eyes ablaze,
and suddenly smacked him hard in the face.

"B'Elanna? What was that for?" He stared at her in surprise and
touched his cheek with his hand. She didn't answer for a moment, but
just stared at him, apparently willing herself to calm down. It worked
only partially and when she answered him, her voice was still filled
with anger.

"That, Commander, was for hurting the captain." A myriad of emotions
flashed in Chakotay's eyes when she mentioned Kathryn, but eventually
they settled on sorrow.

"What did I do to hurt Kathryn?"

"Dating Seven." Chakotay stared at her, surprise written on his face
again.

"How...? What...? Why would me dating Seven hurt her?" B'Elanna
studied him, seeing that he was telling the truth and really hadn't
thought it would upset Kathryn. Her voice held a lot more compassion
when she talked again.

"Just listen to this." She put the PADD down on the table and walked
out of his quarters without another word.

An hour later, Chakotay was still sitting in his quarters, with a PADD
lying on the table in front of him. The only thing that had changed
was his expression. Tearstains were visible on his bronze skin and his
mind was in turmoil.

In one way, he was happy to know Kathryn did return his feelings, but
he wished he'd discovered it some other way; her pain was tearing him
apart.

Like B'Elanna, he'd wanted to stop the recording once he heard it was
her personal log, but couldn't will his body to move. In fact, he
hadn't moved at all since the message started, but had been staring at
nothing, hearing her words resounding in his mind time and time again.
"His love is what got me through these last years." She was right; he
hadn't known.

Suddenly he jumped up; he couldn't allow this to go on. Now was the
time for him to lay his cards on the table and put an end to all the
wondering and pain.


An hour and thirty-five minutes later, he was standing in front of the
captain's quarters. He took a deep breath, willing himself to calm
down, and rang the chime. This was it; crunch time.

Kathryn sat on her couch, cradling a cup of coffee in her hands that
had long since gone cold. She had tried reading reports, but found her
mind unable to focus. She'd taken a bath to relax, but that hadn't
helped either. At last, she had fallen back into what had become her
habit in the past week – sitting on the couch or lying in bed, unable
to sleep and just reliving the past six and a half years. She was
pulled out of her reverie when the chime sounded. She looked at the
chronometer and saw it was past 22:00 hours. She pulled her robe
tighter around her and tried to school her features to hide her
feelings. She gave up after a few minutes and answered the chime.

"Come."

Chakotay was just about to enter his override when the door opened. He
stepped inside to find an almost darkened room.

"Computer, lights at 50 percent." She ordered. Now he could see her,
curled up on the couch. Her hair was disheveled and her skin pale. But
what got to him most was her expression; it was utterly disillusioned
and he knew that look would haunt him in his nightmares for a long
time.

"What is it, Chakotay?" Her voice was flat and sent a cold shiver down
his spine. He didn't say anything, just gave her the PADD. She looked
at it for a moment, then turned her eyes back to his, opened wide in
fear.

"Where did you get this?" Her voice now held a light tremble.

"B'Elanna gave it to me."

"B'Elanna? But how...?"

"I don't know." He paused for a minute to gather his nerve. "Is it
true?"

It took a long time for her to answer and when she did, it was barely
more than a whisper. "Yes." He took a deep intake of breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I, Chakotay? I am the captain. My first responsibility is
to this crew."

"And protocol?"

"That too. But those were just excuses." She paused and looked at her
lap. Then she looked back at him, her eyes filling with tears. "The
real reason is that I was afraid. Afraid of losing you, of losing my
control. I knew that if I ever... if I let myself love you... I would
never be able to let go." He finally moved away from the door, towards
her.

"I wouldn't want you to," he said as he sat down next to her,
tenderly stroking her cheek.

"I know." She whispered, finally giving in to her tears. Chakotay
gently pulled her into his arms and almost missed her soft murmur.
"And now I'm too late."

"No you're not." He broke away to look her in the eye. "I broke up
with Seven, Kathryn. It was never serious anyway. Even Seven knew I
could never stop loving you." They continued gazing at each other
until Kathryn suddenly gave a small smile.

"I love you too." He smiled back at her, feeling happier than he'd
been in a long time. She suddenly gasped, seeing all his love for her
reflected in his eyes. Their eyes locked and their smiles slowly
faded. They moved closer together, all the feelings they had
suppressed for close to seven years were released when their lips met,
marking the beginning of a deeper relationship they had both wanted
for a long time. All fantasies paled in comparison...

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Inspiration: 'Hello' by Evanescence.

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The End