The BLTS Archive - With These Eyes (Revised) by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Disclaimers: The characters belong to Paramount, the story to me. The song lyrics and title are taken shamelessly from "With These Eyes" by R. Voisine, D. Landon, D. Pacifici and L. DiZazzo. Okay to archive on ASC. Author's Note: This is a revised version of my first story. Upon re-reading it, I decided to try and improve on it. The basic plot is the same, I have only expanded upon the premise. I hope I have succeeded in making it more enjoyable-please let me know! --- "With these eyes You're everything to me" --- Chakotay walked towards the forest, searching for Kathryn. She had been quiet that afternoon, and had disappeared shortly after lunch. He had checked her normal haunts, but hadn't been able to find her in any of them. "Kathryn?" He called, beginning to get a little worried. It wasn't like her not to answer. Frowning, he called her name again. "Over here, Chakotay." She sounded excited, and he followed the sound of her voice to its source. The setting sun cast shadows across the ground, partially hiding her from his sight. She was on her knees, her attention focused on the small primate on a rock about three feet in front of her. Her right hand was extended towards the primate, and she was attempting to coax him into coming closer. "Come on, I won't hurt you." She was beginning to sound a bit exasperated. "Just a little closer." The monkey squealed at her, then jumped into the nearest tree and disappeared into the branches. Chakotay smiled as Kathryn rose to her feet, stretching her sinuous body towards the evening sky. "Maybe you should try food next time. You know the old saying:" the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Turning, she rolled her eyes at him. "Been there, tried that. It doesn't work. I guess he just doesn't trust me yet." "Now, Kathryn. Are you anthropomorphizing again?" Chakotay raised his eyebrow at her, then grinned devilishly. Laughing, she punched him lightly on the arm. "Did Tuvok teach you that?" She began to walk towards the modular shelter, stopping when she realized he wasn't following. "Chakotay? Is there something wrong?" He was staring up at the sky, an odd expression of loss on his face. "No, I was just thinking of Tuvok...and Voyager. Wondering where they are, and how they are doing." Blinking, he faced her then immediately regretted his last statement. Kathryn was glaring at the stars, then the closed expression he knew so well masked her expressive features. "Tuvok probably has gotten them home by now." She laughed humorlessly. "It's been four months already and he's probably a much better Captain than I was." Chakotay shook his head, then grabbed her by the shoulder when she attempted to escape into the shelter. "Wait a minute, Kathryn. It's not your fault we are stranded here, any more than its your fault we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant." He hadn't meant to raise his voice at her, but he knew that she had been depressed and withdrawn the past few days, and he wasn't certain why. Since they had been on New Earth, they had grown closer, though admittedly not as close as he would like. Chakotay had known he loved her for a long time, and he was certain that she had strong feelings for him as well. He had hoped that she would drop her pretense, especially after the night he had told her his 'Angry Warrior' legend, but it hadn't happened yet. Kathryn tilted her head back to look at him. Tears were springing up and she trembled ever so slightly. "I know, it's just that recently, I've felt so...out of control I've always been so disciplined, and had my life mapped out, but now, in this place, I feel so helpless. I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my future." Chakotay pulled her into his arms, and she rested her head on his chest. "I know, Kathryn, and I understand." They stood, wrapped in each other's embrace, giving and receiving comfort for long moments. Suddenly, as if realizing exactly what was happening, Kathryn pulled back, brushing the tears from her cheeks. "Maybe we should go inside and decide what to do about dinner. I'm getting hungry." She fled into the shelter, leaving Chakotay to stare after her in astonishment. One minute he was holding her, the next she was gone. "Yes, ma'am!" He muttered, shaking his head as he followed her inside. --- "With these eyes I've watched you turn away With nothing left to give And nothing more to say" --- The next morning, Kathryn was already gone when Chakotay woke up. She had thoughtfully left out a bowl of berries for his breakfast, but no note as to where she was going or how long she'd be gone. *But where else would she have gone?* He sighed to himself. *She'd much rather spend her day with insects or monkeys than with me.* He ate, then walked outside. The morning was beautiful, with a slight breeze that ruffled his hair. He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes, before walking over to the half-completed boat he had been working on for the past week. He set to work, allowing the task to fully capture his attention. He worked non-stop, not even breaking for lunch, until late afternoon. Straightening up, Chakotay took stock of the sky. It was darker than was normal for the hour, and a shiver of foreboding raced up his spine. He walked inside, and was in the midst of washing up when he heard the unmistakable sounds of a storm starting. "Damn it!" He suddenly realized that Kathryn hadn't returned to the shelter. "She knows better than this, especially after that last storm." He hurried into the outer room and grabbed the flashlight off his desk. He was headed towards the door, when it opened, and Kathryn ran in thoroughly drenched, laughing breathlessly. "Oh, Chakotay! He actually let me touch him, I was..." Her voice trailed off as she saw the look on his face, as stormy as the weather outside. Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief, before his anxiety turned into anger. "Where the hell have you been? You know these storms are unpredictable, you should have come back sooner!" His hand was shaking, and he attempted to calm himself down. "Do you have any idea how worried I was?" Kathryn stiffened, and she glared right back at him. "Now you just wait a minute, _Commander_. I am an adult and quite capable of making my own decisions. I was perfectly safe, and I do not appreciate being yelled at as if I was a child." She punctuated her statement with a finger to his chest, then turned and stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Chakotay stared after her, a stunned expression on his face. He had known the second the words left his mouth that he shouldn't have yelled at her, and that he had offended her. Cursing at himself under his breath, he walked over to the bathroom and rapped softly on the door. "Kathryn. I'm sorry." When there was no answer, he turned and began to walk towards his bed. "Chakotay, wait." The sound of the opening door and her voice stopped him, and he faced her. He had to fight to repress his smile at the image she made, standing in front of him with bare feet, her wet hair and clothing making her look like a bedraggled waif. "I apologize also, for making you worry. I lost track of time and wasn't paying attention to the weather." Kathryn moved over to stand next to him. "I know you were only trying to watch out for me, and I do appreciate it." She grinned saucily and stuck her hand out. "Friends?" Chakotay smiled back, taking her hand in both of his. "Friends." He reached over and flicked a bead of water off then end of her nose. "You had better go dry off and change clothes before you get sick." "Yes, mom." Kathryn retreated into the bathroom, calling over her shoulder. "And what's for dinner? I'm starving!" His response was last to her as she closed the door. Shaking his head, Chakotay smiled and moved over to the replicator. *Friends. Gods, I love her so much. I was so afraid for her. Please let her see how much she means to me.* --- "And though my love for you Runs so deep It doesn't mean that you and I Are sharing the same dream" --- The next few weeks following the storm passed quickly. The Talaxian tomatoes that Kathryn had planted had ripened, and they had gorged themselves on the fresh vegetable. Chakotay had finished the boat, and they had taken a few day trips on the river, exploring and mapping the surrounding area. He was hoping to talk her into taking a longer trip in the near future. On a personal level, Chakotay felt that they had grown much closer. He was hoping that she would admit her feelings, as she seemed to touch him more often. A small hand on his arm in passing; her head on his shoulder as they walked, their hands entwined. And last night, he had even thought that Kathryn was going to kiss him. "Thank you for dinner, Chakotay. It was wonderful." Her blue eyes gleamed at him as he stood and gathered up the dishes. "You are very welcome, Kathryn. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Chakotay deposited his dishes in the replicator, and then hers when she handed them to him. He turned, and bumped into her. "Oh, I'm sorry Kathryn." She was studying him, actually she was staring at his mouth. She moved a fraction of an inch closer to him, and was in the middle of raising her hand when she realized what she was doing. "Oh!" She pulled back and cast about frantically for something to say. "Um, I'm exhausted. I'll see you in the morning." She bolted into the bathroom, as if being pursued. Chakotay had finally remembered to breathe, and had laughed softly to himself. Now, remembering that moment, he smiled again. *Ah, Kathryn. Some day, you won't run away from your feelings, or from you. You can't run forever.* --- "With these eyes I'm feeling out of touch I've waited patiently For you whose love I need so much" --- Six months. Had it really been that long since Voyager had left them. Chakotay glanced around the clearing that had become their home as he walked towards the river. Kathryn's garden overflowing with vegetables. The bathtub he had built for her. Even the standard issue Starfleet shelter had taken on a character of its own. It was home now. Home was no longer Voyager and their friends-B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, Kes, Neelix, Tuvok, even the irascible Doctor; they were only treasured memories now. But New Earth had finally taken over as home, for both of them. He knew it was so for Kathryn too, because she had kissed him. Remembering the moments her soft lips had touched his last night, Chakotay smiled. She had broken it off before it went too far, and then had gently touched his lips with her fingers. She caressed them, then had gone to bed. Chakotay had tossed and turned most of the night, wanting her. Needing her. Reliving the wonder of the kiss over and over. Around dawn, he had finally drifted off into sleep, dreaming of her. From the look on her face when she had gotten up, her night had been just as restless as his. He had fixed lunch, which they had eaten quietly. She wouldn't meet his gaze for most of the meal, and had excused herself as soon as she could. He had waited for her to return, and when she didn't, he decided to take a walk along the river. He ambled along slowly, thinking of Kathryn. How beautiful she was, how wise...and how much he loved her. After 20 minutes, he heard her come up behind him. "Chakotay, can we talk?" Kathryn asked, her face inscrutable. "Of course." He looked at her in askance. "You know that I am always here for you." He walked over to her, and they sat on the ground, facing each other. A lock of hair had escaped from her braid and fallen onto her face. Reaching up, Chakotay gently tucked it behind her ear, his fingers lingering momentarily on the soft curve of her cheek. Kathryn smiled shyly at him. "I know things have been a little uncertain recently, and I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've been giving you mixed signals." Chakotay's eyes narrowed as he sensed he wasn't going to like what she wanted to say. "I don't understand, Kathryn. What mixed signals?" She looked away, visibly struggling with her words. "I know you have feelings for me, and that you think I feel the same about you." She hesitated. "I will admit, you mean more to me than anyone, but I don't want to get involved with you. I don't think it would be for the right reasons." Chakotay stared at her in disbelief. "The right reasons? What could be more right than I love you, and you love me?" Kathryn looked back at him. "I don't know if I love you. What I do know is that we are all alone on strange planet, living with very little privacy. We are going to be here for the rest of our lives. That has to have an effect on our feelings." He sat, looking like he'd been slapped. He didn't say anything for what seemed like hours, but was actually only moments. "You think that the only reason why I'm in love with you...I'm sorry. Why I _think_ I'm in love with you is because there is no one else, because you are the proverbial last woman on the planet?" Chakotay stood, brushing the dirt off his pants angrily. "This is just an attempt for you to hide from me, to hide from your true feelings. Because you are scared. Of me, of my love. But fine, if you want more privacy, to be alone, I'll give it to you." He stomped off, leaving her staring after him, tears coursing down her stricken face. --- "If only I could listen to your words And not my heart You're trying to spare my feelings But you're tearing me apart" --- Two days had passed. Chakotay had rearranged the walls of the shelter, and the furniture. He built a physical barrier between them, as her words had emotionally. At first, his pain had been unbearable. She had refused to see that he was offering her his heart, his soul. His life. Now, he just felt numb. They hadn't eaten together, or walked together, or even spoken. He didn't remember much of the previous 48 hours, only that Kathryn didn't love him and had belittled his own feelings. When she had returned from the river later that afternoon, he had already completed the rearranging, and had hidden in his part of the shelter. He had taken care of the meals, but had left hers sitting on the table while he ate his in his room. Chakotay didn't like closing her out, but he couldn't bear to act like she meant nothing to him. He didn't want to even look at her for fear that he would embarrass himself by weeping and trying to get her to return his love. He was staring blindly at the river, when he felt her hand on his shoulder. "Chakotay, please don't ignore me any longer. I'm so sorry I hurt you...I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be...I..." Her voice broke as he pushed her hand off his shoulder coldly and walked away, never looking back. *See how it feels when it happens to you, Kathryn.* --- "With these eyes I've held you in my arms And love was all I had But you had to end it all" --- Chakotay ran through the trees, not paying any attention to where he was going. His chest hurt, though whether it was from the pain in his heart or from his ragged breathing, he wasn't sure. His last words to Kathryn, though not spoken, continued to run through his mind. He had never believed he could possibly be that callous to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. He didn't notice when darkness fell, or when the rain started. He ran, trying to escape from his hurt, until pain exploded in his head and he fell. --- The sound of the pounding rain and thunder gradually penetrated Kathryn's senses. She had been so caught up in her misery that she hadn't realized when it started storming. She was lying across Chakotay's bed, his medicine bundle clutched to her chest. She had wanted to be close to him, even though he wouldn't let her near him. She had never meant to hurt him, and look at what she had done. He hadn't spoken to her once, and she knew that he must have suffered badly when she spurned him. It wasn't until he had walked away from her, that she realized how very much she loved him. Suddenly comprehending the fact that he still hadn't returned to the shelter, she sat up in a panic. As mad as he was at her, she knew that he would have come back once it started to storm. If he was able to. *Think, Kathryn, think!* She got up and ran over to the storage cupboard on the far wall. Pulling out a med-kit, some towels, a length of rope and a flashlight, she hurriedly placed them in a satchel, then ran out the door. She headed south along the river, in the direction he had headed when he left her earlier. *Oh gods, please take care of him. Don't let him die because of me!* She fumbled the flashlight out, and switched it on. The trees danced in the wind as it howled through them, and the rain pelted her like tiny needles. She ran, shouting his name, straining to hear a return call. She was just about to stop when she heard a noise, faint above the raging storm. Turning, she found the monkey staring at her, as if trying to tell her something. He chittered at her, then scampered off to the right, deeper into the trees. Kathryn followed him, dodging the low-lying branches and wind-tossed debris, trying to keep her eyes on the small simian. Finally, he drew to a halt. Stumbling, Kathryn fell to her knees at the edge of a small ravine. She could barely make out Chakotay's body at the bottom. He wasn't moving. "Chakotay! Can you hear me? Oh gods, please hang on!" She jumped to her feet, trying to assess the situation and how to get down to him. The crevice was only about 10 feet deep, and there was a tree hanging over the edge. *He must have hit his head on a branch and fallen in. Kathryn grabbed onto one of the lower limbs, and finding it sturdy, she attached the rope to it and dropped the rest into the ravine. She used it to climb down, jumping the last few feet to land in the mud, a short distance from Chakotay. She rushed over to him, and ran her hands along his body, checking for fractures or open wounds. Finding nothing, she gingerly turned him over on his back, pillowing his head in her lap. There was a large cut over his right eye that was still bleeding faintly, and was caked with mud. Kathryn grabbed a towel out of the satchel and used it to gently clean off his face, trying to clean out the wound thoroughly. She got an antiseptic spray out of the med-kit and used to cover the wound. She hoped it would be enough until they could get back to the shelter and treat it properly. When she was finished, she gently rubbed the side of his face. "Chakotay? Can you hear me?" She was leaning over him, trying to keep the wound as dry as possible, when his eyes flickered open. "K-Kath? What happened...what are you doing here?" He grimaced and tried to sit up, finally succeeding with her help. His head ached fiercely, and he felt like he had gotten into a fight with a couple of Nausicaans. "Be careful, Chakotay. You must have hit your head pretty hard, and I don't want you to hurt yourself further." Kathryn smiled at him through her tears. "I was worried when you didn't return when it started to rain, so I came looking for you." "You should have stayed put, Kathryn. You could have been hurt too." Chakotay winced as a wind-blown branch hit him in the arm. "I don't care, Chakotay. I love you." She put her hand on his chest. "If you had died out here and I hadn't tried to help, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself." Chakotay's mouth fell open as he realized what she had said. He was about to ask her if she meant it, when she threw herself into his arms, kissing him. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, and returned the kiss. The rain continued to pour down on them, but neither one noticed or even cared. Finally, Chakotay released her regretfully. "Come on, we need to get out of this weather." He stood shakily, and pulled her to her feet. "Let's go home, Kathryn." She smiled tearfully at him. "Our home, Chakotay. Together." --- continued in 'In The Arms of Love'