The BLTS Archive - Wasted Time
by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com)

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Disclaimers: Paramount owns the characters, but you already knew that.
The story is mine.

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I'm sorry, Kathryn.

Sorry doesn't even cut it. Doesn't even begin to address the pain that
I'm feeling at this moment. Gods, how I wish....

I wish it had been me. Not you. I would rather have given my life, my
last breath if it meant that you would be alive right now. Even if I
couldn't have the chance to tell you how much I loved you, I would go
to the spirits knowing that you would live. Instead, I watched your
body being launched into the space you so loved to explore, watched
your coffin until it was but a speck in the distance. Even then,
B'Elanna and Tom had to drag me away from the viewport.

I felt like I was giving up.

Maybe if I had watched longer, there would come a miracle, and you
would still be here with me, with us. The Doctor thinks I'm in denial,
I overheard him talking to Tuvok. I'm not in denial. I know you're
gone, that you died on Ralis, protecting the life of a young girl.

An earthquake. A fucking earthquake. In the 24th century, that could
certainly be considered an ignominious end. A needless death. But
because of you, that girl will have a chance to grow, to live, and to
possibly see some of the things that you saw in your brief life.

Yes, I consider 42 years brief. Hundreds of years ago, that would have
been a good lifespan, but not now. I think of all the things you had
yet to do, that *we* had yet to do, together. And I know eventually,
we would have been together. Maybe it would have been 5 years down the
road, but I would still have you in my life for those 5 years.
Instead, I'm facing the rest of my life alone, for without you, I am
alone.

I want to hit something. I want to smash my fist into a wall over and
over and over again. Maybe the physical pain would mute the pain in my
heart.

No, I don't think anything could top that. Except...

The blinking light on my viewscreen tells me there is a message
waiting for me. I know what it is, that it contains your last message
to me. I can't watch it, I don't want to watch it. Because I know if I
watch it, I will have to accept the inevitable. You won't be coming
back to me.

It's not fair! I rail at the heavens, the hot tears spilling down my
cheeks. Why did it have to be you? You, who were so good, so caring,
so devoted to others, even at the expense of yourself. Why you?

The blinking light is mocking me. I don't want to, but my feet move me
closer and closer to my fate. A quivering hand activates the
viewscreen, and your beautiful face appears. You are (were) beautiful.
I'm sorry I never told you.

You're speaking of the crew, admonishing me to get them home, not to
let them or myself wallow in grief. (You're too late.) Suddenly, your
eyes are filling with tears, and you're telling me how sorry you are
you never told me you loved me. You are promising that where ever you
are, you will watch over me, keeping me safe with your love. I don't
want that. I want to die, to join you in whatever afterlife awaits.

You thought of that. Now, you're telling me I have to go on without
you, that I have so much to do. But why? What does it matter, now that
I no longer have you to share it with? I don't care if I ever see the
Alpha Quadrant again; there's nothing there for me.

You're saying good-bye now, your hand raised, as if to hold my hand
once last time. Only the cool screen meets my fingertips.

I love you, Kathryn.

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"If there were no words, no way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears, no way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refused to shine,
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine"

Lyrics from "Valentine" by Jim Brickman and Jack Kugell.
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The End