The BLTS Archive - Withhold No Sacrifice I Choices and Regrets by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Warning: ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! (Don't you just love that word?) Disclaimers: Paramount owns the majority of the characters and the settings; the rest is mine. Feedback accepted, and permission granted to archive on ASC. This story is going to be changing POV and tense occasionally. I hope it's not too confusing! --- I guess it wasn't meant to be. It's been four years now, and each passing day dims my hopes of ever winning Kathryn's heart. I don't consider myself a quitter, in fact, it's usually the opposite. But I can't keep up the charade any longer. I'm tired. So very tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve, for a woman who can never be mine. That's not quite the truth, she could be mine, but she won't be mine. In Kathryn's defense, I know how hard it is for her to place her wants and desires secondary to those of 147 others, and how bound she is by the unwritten Starfleet rules and code of conduct between commanding officers. *Thou shalt not desire thy Captain* I laughed when I saw the list of supposed commandments that Tom had drawn up, though my heart was breaking into a million pieces inside. The pilot knew enough about his Captain to know she wouldn't allow us to find happiness together. He also got drunk enough at Ensign Bartlett's bachelor party to dream up the list. *Thou shalt not jump thy Captain's bones* That one got the most laughs out of the bunch. They forgot I was in the room, albeit nursing my one lone drink at a booth set back from the festivities. Even drunk, Tom would never have instigated the whole brainstorm session if he had remembered I was there. *Above all, no matter how much it is desired by either, thou shalt not live happily ever after* That one wasn't as well accepted as some of the others, but sadly enough, that one was the most truthful. Life is not a fairy tale, we are not destined to live 'happily ever after, forever and ever'. Life is a journey, a series of breathtaking highs and devastating lows. Compromises have to be made, and in this case, they dictate that while I can live the next 60 years by Kathryn's side, I cannot have more than the occasional dinner, a smile, a touch in passing. I can never know her intimately, to hear her voice break when she climaxes, calling my name to the heavens. To feel her stomach swelling with my child, to share the pitfalls of parenthood. Sure, we will grow old together during this journey, but it will only be as friends, as fellow officers, as the Captain and the Commander. Nothing more, but I hope nothing less. I look over at her in her command chair, her eyes watching the motions of the bridge crew. She gets this small smile at times, when she's the most proud of these, our crew. We have been through a lot together, and the spirits only know what else we will see during our journey. Then I see her look at me, and the smile fades. She knows I have made up my mind, to accept the limitations that our life in the Delta Quadrant has inflicted on us. And it's in that instant when I see how much she regrets the loss of what could have been. And what will never be. --- "Commander, you have the bridge." "Yes, Captain." She stands, and walks to her ready room, disappearing from my view as the doors shut behind her. I turn my attention back to the PADD I haven't been reading. B'Elanna's report on the problematic phase coil inducers just doesn't hold any interest for me this morning. If this is what it feels like to come to an epiphany, I don't like it. Sometime last night, when I was tossing and turning in my solitary bed, I came to the decision that I had to move on. It was time to forget about a relationship with Kathryn, and to accept a lifetime with the Captain. A cold, harsh existence, but a necessary one. *We* can never be. I feel like a hand has taken hold of my heart, and is squeezing the very life out of me. I want so desperately to forget about protocol, about the crew and to run into that room sweep her up in my arms and make love to her in my bed. Sighing, I shift in my chair. That'll never happen. Tom hears my sigh and looks over his shoulder, his eyes sad. He knows. Spirits, I don't know how he could know, after all I only came to the decision 3 hours ago. But he does. He can pretend to be a heartless bastard all he wants, but there is a side to him that emerges from its hiding place every so often when you least expect it. He does love B'Elanna, and as much as I hate to admit it, he's been good to and for her. And because he is still so fascinated with her and with their love, I don't think he can understand how feelings so powerful can be sublimated. In time maybe, he'll know. But then, I wouldn't wish this existence on him. I nod at him, and he turns back around slowly. Without turning, I know that Tuvok is watching me, I can feel the Vulcan's eyes piercing into my back. He also knows, but I imagine that unlike Tom, he is not disappointed. Rather, as much as he can admit to the emotion, I would be willing to bet he is pleased with the turn of events. He probably can list 147.58 reasons why a relationship between commanding officers would be in violation of the Starfleet precepts, and should never be allowed. But if I had turned around, I would have seen a shadow of sadness pass over his features for just an instant, before returning to their usual emotionless mask. --- I woke up this morning, with a feeling of impending doom. Actually, I didn't wake up with it, since I never really slept last night. Thoughts of a certain First Officer were haunting me. I ignored the feeling though, chalking it up to the restless night. Then I reported to the bridge for duty. Chakotay...wasn't there. Commander Chakotay was present and accounted for, but something in him was gone. The spark of life that made him so much more is missing. I couldn't put my finger on the problem at the time, but I think I know now. He's given up hope. For the first time, I am seeing him without his love for me showing. Even though I say it, I still can't believe it, yet I know it must be so. The overpowering sadness that permeates the air around him, the lack of interest in me. I am so egotistical. Do I really think that I'm such a magnet for Chakotay's attention? It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what I see, or don't see anymore. He didn't look at me when I said good morning to him. He answered quietly, looking at the floor before returning his stare to the PADD in his left hand. I leaned over once to whisper something to him, ostensibly asking about something on the display, but he didn't return the gesture. In fact, he ignored me. I sat back slowly, trying to hide the shock I felt. Then I put on my best Captain's face and feigned nonchalance. I wasn't hiding anything though. Anyone who had seen me, knew that something was wrong. I stayed for as long as I could, before escaping to the privacy of my ready room. I sit here on the couch, sipping absently at a rapidly cooling cup of coffee. Staring at the stars, wondering what had happened to so change Chakotay overnight. He seemed fine last night in Sandrine's, quiet but otherwise he was as usual. I had noticed that he left rather early, but I didn't expect anything like this to happen. Should I call him in here? I could pretend to have official business, but I don't think that would be a good idea now. He'd see through the pretense immediately, and that would only upset him more. Sighing, I realize that I need more time. More time to think about him, and myself and what could have been. But as usual for the Delta Quadrant, I didn't get that chance. --- "Sir?" Kim's voice rang out through the entire bridge. "Yes, Ensign?" Chakotay turned to look at the young Operations officer. Kim's attention was focused on the display in front of him. "I'm picking up a shadow on the long range scanners. I can't tell yet whether it is a ship or not." Chakotay sat for a moment, debating. "Keep an eye on it, Harry and let me know immediately if anything changes." Reaching up to the combadge on his chest, he tapped it lightly. "Chakotay to Captain Janeway." Her voice answered, sounding strained. "Yes, Commander?" "Harry has picked up something on the scans of the solar system we're nearing. It's too early to tell what it is though." He stopped then finished his sentence. "I just...I thought you'd like to be apprised of the situation, Captain." Even to him, it sounded lame. "Understood, Commander. Keep me updated. Janeway out." Chakotay took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. She knew. He could tell from the sound of her voice, her formality. She knew all right. But there was nothing he could do about it now, so he reluctantly studied the information Harry had sent to his PADD. They had no warning. One moment, Voyager was at warp 6. The next, the ship dropped out of warp as the collision klaxons screamed. Only the inertial dampeners cushioned the sudden drop in velocity. They still weren't enough. Janeway picked herself up off the floor of her ready room, her hands shaking. "What the hell?" She ran to the door, and as it opened she could hear the klaxons clearly, and the cries of the wounded and startled crew. "Report!" Tuvok answered, his right hand flying over his displays as his left held a cloth to the large gash on his forehead. "An unknown object approximately half the size of Voyager appeared in our flight path. The system overrides cut the power to the warp engines in an attempt to avoid striking the object." Janeway's eyes were raking the bridge as Tuvok spoke, searching for signs of any serious injuries, when she saw Chakotay crumpled on the floor, directly behind Tom's seat, the pilot leaning over him. "Chakotay!" Tom's panicked eyes met hers. "His neck is broken, Captain. He's not breathing." He started performing CPR as Janeway stared at them in anguish for a brief second. Then her training kicked in, and she hailed the EMH. "Janeway to sickbay. Initiate emergency medical transport for Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Paris immediately." She heard the Doctor's acknowledgement as the forms of the two men disappeared in a mist of light. *Damn it! Why now?* She forced her attention back to the bridge crew. "Damage report." "Minor damage to the right warp nacelle, Captain." Harry finished collecting the data being transmitted from the various decks. "The warp coils are offline, but overall there appears to be no real damage to the ship." "What about injuries, Commander?" Janeway sat in her seat, then leaned over and started retrieving what information they had on the mysterious object. "13 crewman have serious injuries, ranging from concussions to compound fractures. 123 report minor injuries, mostly contusions or lacerations." The calm Vulcan voice hesitated for a fraction of a second, only noticeable to one who knew him well. "No fatalities, and only 1 critical case." There was no need for him to identify that crewmember. "Understood. I want engineering teams working on the nacelle and the warp engines immediately. Authorize B'Elanna to use whatever help is needed to this end." Janeway looked over to Kim. "I want you to determine what exactly that UFO was, Harry." She turned back to the viewscreen as he acknowledged her order. "EMH to Captain Janeway. Please report to sickbay immediately." Standing, she hit her combadge. "I'm on my way, Doctor. Commander, you have the bridge." She barely made it into the turbolift before her shaking knees betrayed her, and she grasped the railing for support. "Chakotay..." Her voice cracked, and she swallowed, trying to tamp her feelings back under control. When the doors opened on deck 5, she strode down the hallway, dodging the injured crewmembers that were waiting their turn to be treated. The doors whooshed open, and she stepped into the middle of chaos. Tom was running around, triaging and treating as many as he could with only a tricorder and hypospray. Janeway glanced around, until she found the EMH standing next to a biobed, calling out orders to Samantha Wildman as he ran instruments over her unconscious First Officer. "Doctor, what is Ch..the Commander's condition?" "He has suffered a severe concussion, and a compression fracture between the 4th and 5th vertebrae in the neck, Captain. The spinal cord was partially severed, which caused a collapse of his autonomic nervous system." The hologram looked up at her, his face grave. "He is on life support right now until I can repair the damage." Janeway closed her eyes, fighting off the anguish which threatened to overwhelm her. "What is his prognosis, Doctor?" "Guarded, Captain. I am confident I can regenerate his spinal cord, and he will regain full mobility. The brain damage however, is another story." He stepped closer to her, his voice lowering. "It's too early for me to say exactly what areas of his brain were the most affected, and I don't know the extent. Until the swelling goes down, the readings are too erratic for me to even guess at." "Is there anything I can do, Doctor?" She bit her lip, willing him with her eyes to give her some type of hope. "At this point, Captain, no." The EMH returned to Chakotay's side before casting one more glance over his shoulder. "Except maybe to pray." A lone tear coursed its way down her cheek, but she ignored it as she stepped over to the biobed. Reaching out her hand, she laid it gently on Chakotay's chest, then gently caressed his arm, ending up holding his hand. Leaning over, she whispered quietly. "Come back to me, Chakotay." Then she stood, and walked out of sickbay, her posture proud, masking her grief from her shaken crew. --- "Captain's Log, Stardate ------. The damage to Voyager's nacelle has been repaired, and we are once again underway towards the Alpha Quadrant. Ensign Kim still has no explanation of the object which caused the ship to suddenly decelerate, but from all readings appeared to be a biological entity. Harry has christened it a Ufty, or a UFT (Unidentified Flying Thing). This little bit of humor has given a little brightness to the dark days that have followed our encounter with Ufty. Commander Chakotay remains in sickbay, sedated into a coma-like state. The Doctor feels that this forced rest will allow the neural pathways in Chakotay's brain a chance to heal and regain their former connections, plus allow the edema to subside. He was able to heal the other injuries completely, and Chakotay will physically be none the worse for wear. We can only wait to see about the rest of him." --- "Captain?" B'Elanna carefully stepped through the doors to Janeway's quarters, worried that her repeated hails had not been answered. It was dark in the other woman's quarters, and it took several seconds for her eyes to adjust and find her Captain sitting on the floor. Her attention was riveted on a single Talaxian tomato plant, that Chakotay had given her for Christmas. "Kathryn?" Her head jerked up, and she looked startled to see her Chief Engineer staring at her. "Yes, B'Elanna?" She pressed a shaky hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry, I must not have heard the chime." Nodding, B'Elanna moved to sit next to her. "Are you okay, Kathryn?" The dim starlight accentuated the lines that had so recently become a part of the Captain's face. The sad eyes looked at her for a moment, before returning to the plant. "I'm fine." Gently, she fingered the tender leaves of the plant, trying desperately to lose herself in her memories of another time, another place. "I'm fine." B'Elanna fumbled for words, trying to think of something to say. "I went by sickbay to see Chakotay. The Doctor says he's ready to bring Chakotay out of sedation." She reached over and took Kathryn's hand. "He wants you and I to both be there." The older woman inhaled, shuddering. "Why?" Her tone was listless. "I shouldn't be there, B'Elanna. You didn't see him that morning, but something was wrong with him. He wouldn't look at me, or talk to me." Frustrated, she tried to keep from crying. "I don't belong there with him. I lost him. I pushed him away one too many times." She was quiet for a moment, then when she spoke again, the heartbreak in her voice was readily apparent. "I lost him, before I even found him." "No, Kathryn, no. Chakotay loves you, he would never..." B'Elanna stopped, the torment in her Captain's eyes taking her breath away. "Ask Tom. He saw it too." Kathryn's voice broke as her tears began in earnest. "I lost him, B'Elanna." The half-Klingon enfolded her in her arms, and rocked her gently, her own tears falling unnoticed. --- A bright light caused him to wince. The pain in his head was horrific, and he flung his hand in front of his eyes, trying to ward the brightness off. "Chakotay?" A man's voice, called to him gently. Whose voice? His large hands lifted slowly as the light became more tolerable, and he found 3 people standing near him. One, the man who had spoken, was staring at him in concern. The other two were women, the younger one with strange ridges on her forehead. Her companion was older, and he found himself drawn to her. Her blue eyes were riveted on him, and he could have sworn she looked frightened, ready to bolt from the room at any second. The other two were dismissed from his immediate thoughts as he focused all his attention on her. Sounds. He fought desperately, trying to remember. Ka? No, that wasn't right. Absently he rubbed at his chin. Disjointed thoughts tried to reconcile themselves. Trees. A house. He closed his eyes, willing himself to concentrate. He could dimly hear the man's voice again, but chose not to respond. *Come back to me, Chakotay.* Where did that come from? Frustrated, he opened his eyes again. The first thing he saw was the devastation on the woman's face. It jolted him, and he remembered having seen that look before. There was another woman, a blonde with funny ears. That's it. He opened his dry mouth, rasping out the syllables of her name. "Kellin?" --- Stunned, I can only stare at him, then my shoulders slump. He doesn't remember me. I don't know who this Kellin person is, but he thinks I'm her. Sadly, I turn to leave. I'm not needed here. --- Wait! I see the devastated woman walking away from me, and I want to cry out for her to stay. To remain by my side where she belongs. By my side.... Kathryn. Her name is Kathryn. I hear the younger woman calling her name, but she doesn't answer before the doors slide shut behind her. Kathryn. I love you, Kathryn, my heart cries. One tear slides down my cheek. I love you. *Come back to me, Chakotay.* A plea spoken by a heart in mourning, to a soul unable of answering. --- Captain's Personal Log, Stardate -------. It's been 9 days since the incident that ripped Chakotay's memories away. In the time since, he has been released from Sickbay, and is attempting to regain his strength and energy in order to return to duty. I have only seen him once since that moment in Sickbay when he called me by another woman's name. I ran into him and B'Elanna in the corridor as she escorted him back to his quarters. He was pale and shaking slightly from vertigo; the EMH says that could continue for a few more days due to the severity of his cranial injuries. I managed to converse with them quite normally for a few seconds, before hurriedly excusing myself. I turned back when I reached the turbolift, only to find Chakotay giving me a tortured glance over his shoulder. In that instant, I realized the depth of what I had lost. --- "First Officer on the bridge." Harry's voice betrayed his excitement, and the crew immediately leapt to their feet to welcome back the Commander on his return to duty. Chakotay nodded and gave them a small smile, acknowledging their good wishes. "Thank you, Ensign." He made his way to his seat next to the Captain's empty chair. "Status report." "All systems nominal. No abnormalities noted on long-range sensors. We are currently proceeding at warp 5 with a heading of 325 mark 6." Tuvok recited the requested data. "Acknowledged." Chakotay sat, then activated the display at his elbow. Quickly he read through the assorted reports from the various departments that operated during Gamma shift. Finding nothing of importance, he deactivated the display, at the same time casting a glance towards the still-empty chair next to him. "She's in Astrometrics with Seven." Paris' voice broke through the background murmurings of the other crewmembers on the bridge. Chakotay looked up startled, to find the pilot's eyes on him. The younger man's eyes held a hint of sadness before he turned back to his station. "Thank you, Tom." Chakotay replied. He glanced down at his hands, resting on his thighs. He had been thinking of her a lot, and wondering what had happened between them to make her so fearful of facing him. Endless possibilities had come to mind, including the thought that perhaps they had been lovers, and he no longer remembered that fact. Whatever the truth behind their relationship, he knew that there had been something between them. Dreams had been disturbing his rest periods, visions of her broken body on a planet, of her face streaked with tears in the soft light of a standard Starfleet shelter. But were they just dreams, or were they visions of his forgotten past? Only one person knew the answer to that question, and he knew he had to ask her. --- *Chirp* The sound of the hail broke into her thoughts, and Janeway slowly lifted her tired eyes to the door, inwardly debating with herself as to whether to answer. Her conscience won out, and she quietly called out, "Enter." For a brief second she regretted her choice as the doors opened to reveal the solemn figure of her First Officer. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Captain." Chakotay entered, and stood uncertainly just inside the door. "If I'm bothering you, I can come back another time." "No, that's okay, Commander. Please, have a seat." Nervously she stood, and walked over to the replicator. "Coffee, black." Janeway turned to look him. "Can I get you anything?" Chakotay shook his head. "No, thank you." He ran his hands along his pant legs, trying to remove the moisture that was forming as she returned to her seat on the couch. Sipping her coffee, Janeway regarded him over the rim. "How was your first day back on duty, Chak, um, Commander?" She didn't know what to call him anymore. Her unease showed to the man sitting across from her. "Chakotay please, Captain." He would never presume to call her by her first name; at least he didn't think so. "And it was fine, though I was getting tired by the end of the day." He admitted this reluctantly, not wanting to give her a chance to stick him on light duty. Frowning, Janeway sat forward. "Chakotay, if you're still not up to it, maybe you should take a few more days off." Her eyes picked up the dark circles around his eyes, and the pale cast to his complexion. "In fact, I think that would be a good idea." "No, I'll be fine." Chakotay shook his head. "I'm more tired of sitting around doing nothing than sitting on the bridge." Janeway paused before nodding. "All right, Chakotay. I'll let you remain on duty, but only if you promise to take it easy, and if you take a rest at some point during the day." She smiled. "I don't want to lose my First Officer because he was stubborn." Chakotay laughed softly. "Yes, ma'am." He sobered quickly, his thoughts returning to the real reason he had sought her out in her quarters. "Captain, may I ask you a question, off the record?" "Of course." "Ever since the accident, since I woke up, I've had the feeling you're avoiding me." Chakotay met her eyes, his confused. "And I've been having dreams, about me and you...." He stopped when he saw the expression on her face. She looked shell-shocked, and there was a faint sheen of moisture in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Captain. Perhaps I should go." "No, please stay, Chakotay." She stood, and walked over to the window. The stars trailed past, as she tried to decide what to tell him. As she saw it, she had 2 choices. To admit that there had been something between them, or to lie and tell him there had been nothing. Truth, or falsehood? Caught in her indecision, she failed to see the growing anxiety on his face as she remained silent. "Kathryn?" His use of her first name was instinctive. "Are you all right?" "I'm fine, Chakotay." Janeway turned back to face him, her slight frame defined by the starlight behind her. "I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard." "I shouldn't have asked, please just forget it." He stood, and moved towards the doorway. He had almost reached his destination when her voice stopped him. "Friends, Chakotay. Just friends." A slight rustle as she turned back to the viewport. "Nothing more." Chakotay didn't understand why he felt as if he was being torn asunder. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it and quietly walked out of the room. The closing of the doors masked the quiet sobs of the woman behind him, as she slid down and curled into a ball on the floor, the force of her grief wracking her body. --- She lied to me. Absently, I thumb my code into the door lock, and let myself back into my quarters. I don't know how I know, but I know that something is wrong with the situation. I order the lights to 50% illumination, then make my way over to my desk. Maybe there will be something in my personal logs that will help clear my confusion. --- I was in love with her. And she felt something for me, even if she couldn't admit it to herself, much less me. Why then, did she lie? What purpose would it serve? I can still see the happiness in my eyes as I related her reaction to my 'Angry Warrior' speech. Even if I don't remember the emotions myself, and I have to depend on a flat recording for the experience. What does this change though? The fact remains that she concealed the truth, which only leads me to one conclusion: the accident has changed me, and she no longer wishes a relationship with me. It's as simple as that. I'm not the man I was, and the man I have become is not a man she could love. --- "Captain's Log, Stardate------. We are a day's journey away from Padranor V, a society with a level of technology that is only a few decades behind our own. We have been in contact with their government, and they have consented to allow us to visit, and restock our supplies. This will also allow a chance for the crew to get some much-needed downtime. I myself am looking forward to the opportunity to stretch my legs." --- "Captain's Personal Log, Stardate -----. In the 2 days since our talk, Chakotay has been nothing but cordial, and has acted like we never spoke. We even shared dinner in the Mess Hall last night after a meeting ran over with B'Elanna. I'm hoping that our friendship will survive the crisis, and that eventually I will be able to set my feelings of sadness and loss behind me, and move on. I can hope." --- "Captain, we will enter orbit around Padranor in 5 minutes." Tom's voice broke the silence that pervaded the command crew. Janeway nodded and stood. "Acknowledged, Lieutenant." Turning to look over her shoulder at Harry, she raised her voice. "Mr. Kim, please open a channel to Liege Tarle." Harry nodded, and a moment later the viewscreen flickered, and displayed a tall humanoid, unremarkable for the most part except for the long slits in place of a nose. "Greetings, Captain. Welcome to Padranor." Tarle sketched a short bow, then raised his head to look at her again. "On behalf of my people, I welcome you to our planet." Janeway returned his greeting. "Thank you, Liege Tarle. I want to thank you for your gracious offer of hospitality for my crew." Tarle's eyes flicked quickly over the other crewmembers visible, then returned his attention to Janeway. "I would like to invite you, and as many of your crew as possible to a feast tonight at our Great Hall. We would be honored by your presence." "It would be an honor for us as well, Liege." Smiling, Janeway nodded her acceptance. "It's settled then. We will be expecting you at sundown. I will have my aide transmit the location to you momentarily." Tarle bowed once again, then the signal was ended. "Commander, please draw up a suitable duty schedule that will allow as many of the crew as possible to make it to the feast." Janeway turned to face Chakotay. "You and I will beam down together to meet our hosts, so we will beam down at 1800 hours." "Yes, Captain." Chakotay assented, then turned his attention to the display at his elbow, missing the hint of sadness that crossed her face before she turned her attention to plans for the evening. --- I'm not really looking forward to this evening, not like I thought I would be. The thought of spending another evening with Chakotay, of having to hide my feelings is distressing, but I can't risk offending our hosts. Perhaps this celebration is just what we need to break the uneasiness that still permeates our exchanges. --- Two days later --- "Leave me, Chakotay." With those last words, I forever lost any chance at happiness. But there was no choice, I had to remain behind so that my crew might live. As Captain, I know that there was no possible alternative except for the decision I have made. The survival of my ship and crew are paramount. Turning, I walk towards Tarle. He is smirking at me as his officers slap chains on my wrists and lead me towards the prison that will become my new home. Away from all I have known the past few years, from the crew that have become my friends, my family. And away from the man I love. --- continued in Withhold No Sacrifice II 'Redemption of the Soul'